It's nighttime at the CamPound. After the establishing shot, I miss the little bit of the show while someone in a control room here in Canada botches the switchover from the WB to the Canadian feed. If you're Canadian, you probably already know all about (and detest) simulcasting. If you're not, just be grateful you don't have to live with it. Anyway, the thing I know, Lucy is in the middle of a phone conversation with Mary, who's telling her that she is in Glenoak. Actually, she's right outside the CamPound, and she's brought the Hunky Buffalo Brothers with her. I really couldn't care less about that, but Lucy's reaction more than makes up for my lack of enthusiasm. Naturally, much energetic making out occurs between Lucy and her pea-brained moron of a beau. Mary watches happily, which is rather creepy. She comments to Ben that Kevin is in love with her sister. Of course he is! Now that they've gotten that crucial first date out of the way, I'm expecting to hear wedding bells any day now. Ben's comment that it's a little soon for love between Kevin and Lucy is ignored -- probably because Mary has no idea what he's talking about. She just wants to know if Ben is in love with her. He wisely chooses not to answer that one, putting Mary off with a kiss instead.
RevCam creeps down the stairs to the CamKitchen, armed with a baseball bat. Instead of the intruder he's obviously expecting, he encounters something much more frightening: his dumb-ass daughters making out with their boyfriends. He's none too pleased, but nobody's paying attention anyway, once Annie comes downstairs and starts cooing over the boyfriends while making sandwiches for them. She obviously wants to make sure that these guys don't get away. After all, her daughters are getting on in years, and she doesn't want to see them end up as old maids when they hit the ripe old age of twenty-one. RevCam tries to guilt Mary about the fact that she hasn't contacted him to discuss her new career, but nobody's paying any more attention to him than they were a few minutes ago, so he leaves.
Upstairs, he starts talking to the other children. They're not paying any attention to him either, but that's probably because they're still asleep. The way RevCam walks around clutching his baseball bat and talking about how Ben and Kevin have entered the CamVerse reminds me a bit of Jack Nicholson in The Shining -- you know, after he loses it. That Jack Torrance character in the The Shining, he was a real family-values kind of guy, wasn't he? Hey, probably more than any of the Camdens. RevCam walks over to Dopey's bed and pulls back the covers to see that the bed is empty. Having been led to believe that he might go on to sniff the sheets, I am immensely relieved to see that he does not. Instead, he just stands there looking angry. Yes, it's just shocking that his twenty-two-year-old son may be spending the night with his fiancée. Shocking, I tell you!
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster comes to you from the fertile creative mind of Brenda Hampton, which probably explains why it sucks so bad. Actually, the rest of the episode comes to you from Brenda also, but it's a little early to weigh in on its suckage yet. Hey, let's give it a chance! Maybe Brenda will come up with something really stellar this time. Heh. I'm just joshing. Annie is sleeping, while RevCam does all sorts of things to try to wake her up subtly. He opens the blinds and rearranges her covers until I'm so bored that I'm tempted to nod off myself. Why doesn't he just wake her up already? Finally he does, to try to talk to her about Dopey staying out all night. I really can't blame Annie for telling him she would rather sleep.
Out in the hallway, Eric accosts Ruthie to badger her about Dopey's whereabouts. She distracts her father by telling him that Lucy and Mary spent the night sleeping in the living room with their boyfriends. She tells him, "It's like their own Temptation Island." That can't be true, because Temptation Island is terribly hilarious, and this show is just, well, terrible. As RevCam races down the stairs to the living room, I'm left with the unsettling feeling that this scene is supposed to be funny somehow, though I'm really not seeing the humor myself. Eric looks in on the kids and sees his daughters sleeping on the couch, the boyfriends on the floor. Looking a little disappointed to have missed the big orgy, he turns around to leave.
He sees Dopey walking into the CamKitchen. Hey, that must mean it's time for a lecture! Heroically managing to keep a straight face, RevCam berates Dopey for staying over at his fiancée's house. He assumes the kids slept together, and Dopey doesn't bother to protest. Just as Eric's really warming to his "no sex before marriage" topic, the Hunky Buffalo Brothers walk in. They must be a little freaked out to see this side of Eric, but they hide it well behind their bland, pretty facial expressions, as Ben awkwardly tries to explain that he and his brother haven't been banging RevCam's daughters. I'm just grateful that RevCam decides to leave before this scene could get any more annoying.
Unfortunately, RevCam changes his mind and comes back in the door, saying, "Eureka, I've still got it! Thank you, God." I'm not sure what Eric thinks he has, but I'll bet it's an idea for a new stalking technique. If so, I sincerely doubt he received any divine intervention to come up with it.
Actually, RevCam's fantastic idea seems to have more to do with meddling than stalking, although the two fields are pretty closely related. So what's his great idea? He plans to badger Ruthie some more about any secrets she may know about Matt. Ruthie's pretty good at diverting him, though, as she claims that she knows lots of secrets about all her family members -- well, except for the twins, who are too lame to do anything more than spout bad half-lines of dialogue. Ruthie even knows Eric's big secret, which is that he sneaks cookies at night when he thinks nobody is watching. Wow, that's fascinating. With material like that, she could write a killer tell-all book one day. RevCam asks her how she knows about the cookie-sneaking, and Ruthie informs him that she likes to hang out in the kitchen after everyone's asleep. That sounds kind of creepy to me, actually, but this is Ruthie we're talking about. RevCam starts questioning her about any phone calls she makes from the kitchen late at night. He seems to think this will yield some big secret about Dopey. Man, what a freak. The phone rings before he can get any info, though, and the caller is someone he's supposed to meet for a family counseling session. You mean he's actually been sitting here this whole time, pointlessly hassling Ruthie, when he should have been working? That's responsible. I'm so glad he has his priorities straight. He leaves, and Dopey comes into the room to glare menacingly at Ruthie, who just shrugs at him.
SuperMom is folding laundry downstairs when RevCam comes in. He launches into a long, unnecessary explanation of how he went down to the church for his counseling session but the couple was not there. Let's have a show of hands from everyone who gives a shit about that. Anyone? Anyone? That's what I thought. He proceeds to hassle Annie about letting Dopey sleep over at the Glass house and how that means that she's obviously condoning premarital sex. At least he manages to say the word "sex" without having to resort to crappy euphemisms like "adult relations." Annie is a little taken aback by such blunt, shocking language, though, and she asks him to tone it down. Ugh, that's so absurd. RevCam expounds on his theory that Dopey and Plot Contrivance are already married. He's right, but that doesn't mean anyone wants to hear him harp on that subject again. Annie sure doesn't, and she tells him so. There's no stopping him, though, as he explains why he would like his son to be already married. He has two reasons, really, and they're both pretty selfish and stupid. First, he wants to have his faith in Matt and "the world" restored by the fact that Dopey hasn't been having premarital sex. So, it seems that he would rather his son did something as ridiculous as getting married after knowing someone for less than forty-eight hours. Is he completely delusional? His second reason is that then there wouldn't have to be a wedding that was in a temple instead of in his church. Annie sits him down and gently explains that it's past time for him to start letting his kids go so they can lead their own lives and make their own decisions. Despite SuperMom's best efforts, Eric is not ready to accept tonight's theme mallet wisdom yet. That's probably because we're only twenty-one minutes into the show.
That means it's about time for an unwelcome appearance from the twins. Sure enough, there they are now, babbling about how they need new beds since they can get out of their cribs. Hey, Brenda, thanks for the shout-out to the posters who were discussing this in the forum! Simon comes in and explains that he's ready to put the twins' beds together, but he has to get some special wrench from the hardware store. This is all a plot contrivance, though, so that RevCam can find out that Lucy's new beau is twenty-five and could therefore supervise while Simon and his learner's permit drive to the hardware store. That would make Pea-Brained Moron Kevin six years older than Lucy, which really is not such a huge age difference, but Eric is shocked anyway. He stands there with his mouth hanging open while the twins babble some more about their damn beds.
Dopey is trying to sneak out of the house with his overnight bag, but he is stopped by Ruthie near the front door. She begs him to take her with him, but he refuses, obviously not wanting her to wreck his big night o' passionate adult relations. As he's lecturing Ruthie about keeping his secret, RevCam walks downstairs and starts interrogating him about whether he's married yet. Before this goes very far, the phone rings again, and it's that couple Eric is supposed to be counseling. Dopey and Ruthie make their escape as RevCam gives the caller instructions on how to get to his church. You see, they were at the wrong church before, and that's why -- oh, who cares. I think the big mystery here is why anyone would clog up sweeps-month airtime with stuff like this. Is there a single viewer out there who actually wants to listen to Eric discuss every minute detail of his day? What's ? Extended footage of Annie cleaning the bathroom? Detailed shots of Robbie brushing and flossing his teeth?
RevCam starts to rush off again, but he still can't make it out the door. He's had another crappy idea, you see. He wants to find the phone bill so he can see who Ruthie called the night Dopey got married. He's so excited about this latest plan that I don't even want to spoil his mood by telling him that phone bills don't show your local calls. Now, nobody knows for sure whether the hotel where Dopey and his new bride were staying was actually in Glenoak, but how else would Ruthie have found it? As RevCam frantically searches the kitchen for the latest phone bill, the phone rings. Boy, I really hope it's that mystery counseling couple, since I can't wait to hear the latest on that storyline. Will RevCam give them detailed instructions on finding parking and where his office is located? If so, I really hope he shares those details with us viewers! Alas, the female half of the couple is merely calling to find out what the hell is up with RevCam, since he isn't at the church to meet them. That's right -- your minister has some super-important stalking and meddling to do, and it's more urgent than your piddly concerns about your runaway son, so just cool your jets, lady. Simon, who takes the call, tells RevCam that the woman sounds "annoyed." At this point, who isn't?
RevCam leaves, and the phone rings again. Simon answers it. The caller is someone named Patty Mary who is looking for Kevin. I know I'm by no means the first person to comment on this, but it certainly bears mentioning again and again. What the hell kind of a name is Patty Mary? Simon displays his usual charming Camden phone manners by interrogating Patty Mary and refusing to call Kevin to the phone.
What could Kevin possibly be doing that's more important than talking to Patty Mary? Why, he and his brother are busy looking at Lucy's and Mary's high school yearbooks. That (along with the playing of Celine Dion or Whitney Houston songs) is the sort of thing you do at the end of the night when you have party guests who won't take the hint and leave, so I'm a little surprised that Lucy and Mary are subjecting guys they like to that torture. Ruthie dances around the subject of Mary's aborted basketball career, which forces Mary to tell the story of getting arrested -- you know, around the time when she first started her downward spiral. Then Ruthie informs them that Jimmy Plywood, Lucy's ex, was arrested for possession of marijuana. This makes Mary and Lucy angry, very angry indeed. They call Ruthie into the closet -- yes, the closet -- for a little sisterly meeting.
I was half-expecting them to find Simon in the closet, but they don't. The older girls launch right into their confrontation of Ruthie, but this is interrupted when Simon walks into the closet (tee hee) with the phone. After interrogating Patty Mary for a while, he has finally decided to let her speak to Kevin, I guess. Lucy is thrilled to find out that Patty Mary is Kevin's sister, though I think she's jumping the gun a little with the happiness thing, considering that she has yet to meet the girl and find out just how impolite and surly she is. We hapless viewers are not so lucky, as Patty Mary rudely orders her brothers to go home. And get this -- she has actually flown from San Francisco to Glenoak to ensure that the guys go back to Buffalo.
Eric still hasn't left for his counseling session. He finally finds the household ledger that's supposed to hold the phone bill, but all that's in it is a stamped envelope with a check to the phone company. RevCam rips it open, wasting the stamp and tearing the check in the process. He's absolutely crazed, but who wouldn't be if they were trying to figure out "the answer to the mystery of the Matt universe," as RevCam is? Of course, I think the more compelling question here is why anyone would have any interest in mystery of the Matt universe in the first place, but that's just me. The phone rings again, and Annie calls down, "Eric!" in a really irritated tone of voice. So the RevLoser is still playing hooky from his job in order to stalk his children. That is so sad.
Eric finally arrives at the church and apologizes to the couple who have been waiting for him forever. He says he has something "going on at the house." Obviously, the guy who's here for counseling has ESP and can sense that what RevCam's got going on must be very boring, since this man is already falling asleep less than a minute after he's met Eric. His wife wakes him up, and we learn that this couple's problem is that their son ran away from home -- their forty-five-year-old, non-disabled son. So there really is a family more dysfunctional than the Camdens. Frankly, I'm a little surprised. Mrs. Control Freak explains that their son, Jeremiah, has moved in with "a certain Jezebel," even though he doesn't have enough money saved up for that. RevCam suggests that they call Jeremiah to his office so they can all talk, but I suspect his real reason for asking is because he wants to see what kind of freak son these losers raised. I know I'm curious.
Lucy and Mary and their boyfriends are sitting silently in the living room. When the doorbell rings, the girls scramble all over each other to answer the door. Ah, they've been waiting for the famous Patty Mary to arrive, and here she is now. She's even ruder than she was on the phone, as she tells her brothers, "Okay, I've met them. Can we go?" She explains that their mother is widowed and alone and "frightened," and that's why the Hunky Buffalo Brothers have to leave right away. Patty Mary can't go to Buffalo herself. That's because she's in school in San Francisco, in case you care. We learn that neither Ben nor Kevin told their mother they were coming to Glenoak. Lucy and Mary get all pissy over that and starting interrogating their hunky beaus. Kevin hasn't even told his mother that he has a girlfriend -- if you can consider someone you've been on one date with a girlfriend, that is -- and Ben didn't mention the trip because his mother has heard gossip about Mary being arrested in high school. That's right -- there's gossip about Mary's arrest in Glenoak making the rounds of the social scene in Buffalo. I find that plausible, don't you? Mary points out that since she was arrested as a minor, her court records were supposed to be sealed, but we all know how the legal system works in Glenoak, don't we? Ben and Kevin give their girlfriends only cursory answers anyway, since they've learned that the reason Patty Mary wants them to go home is to check up on their mother because she's dating. The Hunky Buffalo Brothers find this news disturbing, and agree to go home. Hmm…maybe this is the most dysfunctional family that's ever appeared on the show.
Patty Mary goes upstairs to use the bathroom. On the way, she runs into Simon. Since it's impossible for people on this show to have any contact with members of the opposite sex that does not in some way involve dating, or a discussion of dating, Patty Mary asks Simon how old he is. When he says he's sixteen, she says she's too old for him. I wonder if I should be taking notes on these conversational techniques so that I can apply them in my own social dealings. I'm sure the man I meet will find it intriguing if I immediately decline to date him. Whether or not he's actually asked me on a date is irrelevant. Yep, I'll soon be the most popular girl in town.
Annie is engaging in some boring bonding with the twins when Patty Mary walks by the door. You can tell she's anxious to get away without being seen, but it's too late, and she has to talk to Annie. She explains to the woman that she and her hunky brothers don't want their mother to date, and that's why the guys have to leave for Buffalo so soon. I can't say it makes any more sense to me now than it did the first time I heard it.
Ruthie calls Plot Contrivance on her cell phone to beg her to get Dopey to stay at the CamPound tonight. It has something to do with Ruthie being afraid she can't keep their secret much longer. The whole conversation is stupid, but mercifully it's not dragged out very long, since Robbie interrupts to speak to Ruthie. Naturally, Ruthie hangs up on PC without even saying goodbye. What does Robbie need to talk to Ruthie about, anyway? Well, he just wants to let her know that he's already thrown out the phone bill, so there's no incriminating record of any calls she's made. This whole subplot is so ridiculous that I refuse to dwell on it. Robbie tries to get Ruthie to confide her secret to him, but she won't. Then he asks her why she was trying to annoy Lucy and Mary earlier by revealing their secrets to the Hunky Buffalo Brothers. Ruthie explains that she was mad at Lucy for not waking her up when the Buffalo Brothers arrived, and that she's angry with Mary for not discussing her new career choice with her. Robbie whacks her with the theme mallet, trying to get her to realize that her siblings have lives of their own. He does a good job in this scene, even if he does call Ruthie "Snookie," which makes me long to whack him with something even heavier than the theme mallet -- if such a thing exists.
RevCam is still talking to the Control Freaks in his office. Mrs. Control Freak lets him know that Annie recommended him as a counselor. She'd overheard the Control Freaks talking about their problem in the supermarket and had volunteered Eric's help. Oddly enough, Mrs. Control Freak seems to view that as a good thing, rather than the rude and pushy action that it really was.
This lovely conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Jeremiah and his Jezebel, whose real name turns out to be Kathleen. Kathleen's even brought her daughter Katie along. Everyone sits down, and Jeremiah offers to explain his situation. He starts out by praising his parents for all the things they've done for him -- including making his bed and cutting up his steak for him. These two comments cause Katie to snicker rudely. She's a prize, obviously. Back to Jeremiah, though. It's his turn to man the theme mallet as he explains that he had leave and have his own life, and that he is planning to marry Kathleen. When the Control Freaks insist that he's not ready to be a father, that irritating Katie pipes up with, "Oh, but he is ready to be a father, and a husband too." How she could have any reasonable assessment of his fitness as a husband is a mystery to me. Whether we want to know or not, Kathleen tells us how she came to adopt Katie, who was a foster child. Katie pipes up, "My mom has problems and my grandma died, so there wasn't anybody to take care of me." Hey, guess what, little troll? Nobody gives a crap. Undaunted by my lack of interest, Katie continues: "I've never had a dad. Will you marry us? Please? Please?" Is she asking RevCam to perform Jeremiah and Kathleen's wedding service? Or is she suggesting that the Control Freaks marry her and Kathleen and Jeremiah? It's all a little unclear, but far too uninteresting to speculate on. Jeremiah gets in one more whack with the theme mallet as he asks his parents to let go of him. They say they'll think it over. As they're leaving, Mrs. Control Freak yells back from the hallway, "Pot roast for dinner if anybody's interested." RevCam tells Jeremiah, "Run." When Jerry and his women are out of the office, RevCam stage-whispers, "No, I meant the other way," which may be the only time I've laughed out loud at an intentional joke this season. I do think it's pretty funny that RevCam did absolutely nothing to help these people but provide an office in which they could solve their own problems. Yeah, he's some miracle worker, that RevCam. Alone in his office, he stares thoughtfully at a picture of Dopey for a while. I think we can all see where this is going.
RevCam has already learned something about letting go, since he is now promising to allow Simon to drive more. My, that's heartwarming. Simon tells him that Patty Mary gave him her phone number so that he could call her if he ever wanted to break up his sisters' romances with her brothers. He honestly thinks that was just an excuse for her to give him her number, which shows you just how naive he really is.
In the CamKitchen, Ben is racking up the phone bill talking to his mother in Buffalo. She asks to speak to Mary. I can't say I'd advise that course of action for anyone, but as usual, no one asked me. While Mary irritates the hell out of Mrs. Kinkirk, Ben thanks RevCam for encouraging him to talk to his mother. RevCam tells Ben how happy he is that the Hunky Buffalo Brothers are dating his daughters. Ouch. This is so sappy that my fillings are starting to hurt. It only gets worse, though, as Mary gets off the phone and convinces Ben to have dinner with his mother and her new beau during the week. Golly, what a touching scene.
Ben leaves, and RevCam talks to Mary about her new job. Because he's learned to let go, he can now be supportive about her career choice, though he does want to know if she took the job just to be near Ben. Mary says she really didn't, but she's nodding the whole time she's saying it. Eric also asks what Mary's planning to do about school. She tells him that she'll be taking all her courses over the internet. I think that's a little optimistic of her, since I don't find it believable that she could even figure out how to boot up a computer, but if Crawford Clown College wants to let her take courses, who am I to tell them they can't? Any school that would accept Dopey, Lucy, and Mary as students would probably give you a degree if you can spell your name properly on an exam, so I'm probably worrying over nothing.
In the living room, Lucy and Pea-Brained Moron Kevin are engaging in some of the least erotic kissing I've ever seen. Ben comes in and echoes my own thoughts when he says, "Will you give it a rest?" Lucy and Kevin look up at him briefly and then go right back to their stupid making out, even though Ben is sitting right there in the room. I sincerely hope Brenda doesn't think this sort of behavior is normal. When Mary and RevCam come in, Lucy and Kevin finally do give it a rest. Eric asks if the Hunky Buffalo Brothers will be attending the CamChurch in the morning. Kevin lies and says that he's looking forward to seeing what a Protestant service is like. Ben tries to shush him, but it's too late. RevCam already knows that these guys are Catholic, and since he's had so much practice letting go this episode, he doesn't even mind. After he leaves, the young couples go back to discussing global warming and the works of Tolstoy. Oh, and there may have been some more grody making out too.
Upstairs, Ruthie sees RevCam coming and tries to escape, but she's not quick enough. Everything's okay, though, and RevCam tells her he doesn't want to know her secret anymore. Why is that? All together now: RevCam is learning to let go.
Robbie comes along and asks Ruthie, "What's up, Snook?" I hope he's not seriously thinking of staging a comeback of that odious nickname. Ruthie comments, "I think Dad's taking Mom's hormone pills." Hey, that's a wonderful idea for a future episode, in which Eric has to come to terms with his fabulous new breasts. Robbie tells Ruthie that Dopey and PC are looking at old family photos, but he doesn't want to join them, because he's already seen Dopey's baby pictures, and "he wasn't that cute." So is Brenda already starting to pile the insults on Matt, now that Barry Watson is leaving the flock? I know she's been punishing Mary/Jessica Biel ever since she came back to the show. I suspect Barry Watson knows better than to return, though.
Just in case you nodded off and missed the first fifty times the theme mallet was wielded in this episode, Brenda's gonna give you one more chance to learn the importance of letting go. The CamRents are watching the twins frolicking on their new beds. RevCam asks how Annie got involved with the Control Freaks. She has no shame about admitting that she eavesdropped on their conversation and then inserted herself into it. RevCam thanks her for doing that, thus teaching him the importance of, yes, letting go. Everyone says, "I love you," including the twins. Trust me -- it's a lot less charming than it sounds.
Dopey and his bride are indeed looking at old photos. They're alone in Dopey's room, but I think it's okay, because they have the bedroom door open and are each keeping one foot on the floor at all times. Plot Contrivance invites RevCam to join them in reminiscing, but Eric declines, saying, "I think I'd rather make some new memories." Dopey helpfully translates that to mean that the CamRents will be having some adult relations this evening. Okay, Eric -- uh, thanks for sharing, I guess. Before he goes off for his shagfest, RevCam takes the time to welcome Plot Contrivance to the family and wish the young couple well. When Dopey sarcastically tells his father that his sentiments are "so sweet," Eric says, "Yeah, mock me." Hey, believe me, RevCam, nobody here at TWoP needs an invitation. Dopey shares a manly hug with his father, and then he and Plot Contrivance watch as Eric walks to his bedroom. I wonder if they're thinking of all the sex that will be going on in the CamBoudoir tonight. Unfortunately, Brenda made me think about it, and now I have to go wash my brain out with soap.