Mary and Lucy are on a plane to Buffalo. Lucy is frantically pressing the flight attendant call button. Her big emergency? She wants more peanuts. Why? Airplane peanuts suck. The flight attendant comes over and explains that since the plane is in its final descent to Buffalo, the galley is closed. It's pretty obvious that this isn't the first time Lucy has lavished her special brand of CamRudeness on the flight attendant, who sarcastically tells her, "I know I speak for all of us serving you today when I say...we are really going to miss you." When Lucy perkily insists, "I don't want a steak; I just want some nuts," even Mary, formerly the rudest Camden, rolls her eyes. The flight attendant has evidently decided that her wisest course of action would be simply to ignore Lucy and walk away, and that's what she does. This leaves Lucy free to exposition that Mary has paid for their tickets to Buffalo so that she can pack up the stuff she left behind at the Colonel's. I have to wonder where, exactly, Mary found the cash for that. Didn't she used to work part-time at a homeless shelter while she was living in Buffalo? It's doubtful she was raking in the big bucks there. And hasn't she made absolutely zero effort to find a job back in Glenoak? Well, except for that time she stalked the Glenoak Fire Chief and tried to bully him into giving her a job. Mary inanely explains that this trip is a "fresh start" for her. Somehow, Lucy translates that to mean that Mary is returning because of Ben, that hunky firefighter dude. I'm not sure what that has to do with a "fresh start" but since lately every single action of these girls has something to do with a guy, I'm not surprised. Since Ben has already ditched her categorically, Mary plans to blindside him with her return. Hey, who ever said surprises have to be pleasant? Besides, Mary has a "plan." Well, then -- obviously she's doomed.
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is so dull that it's almost a parody of itself. Lucy and Mary are in the baggage claim area watching a single bag moving around on the carousel, and that bag ain't Lucy's. It seems the airline has lost Lucy's bag, so rather than go to the lost baggage office, she's choosing to stand here and stare at somebody else's luggage instead. Bright girl, that Lucy. She complains some more about the airline and then tries to blame her bad luck on the universe, which she thinks is punishing her because it doesn't like Mary's plan to win back Ben. Mary refuses even to consider Lucy's suggestion that they turn around and go home, since Mary has "things to do." Lucy more accurately sums it up as, "And people to stalk?" You gotta love the shout-out. Mary argues that what she and Ben have is "love," which is pretty much what all the stalkers say -- at least in the made-for-TV movies I've seen. Lucy self-righteously points out that stalking is a felony, conveniently forgetting about all the times she's stalked people herself. She asks Mary to guard her remaining carryon bag while she takes a trip to the lost luggage office to irritate the hell out of the employees there. Mary stands around vacuously for a few minutes and then departs, leaving Lucy's bag behind.
Back at the CamPound, Simon and Robbie try to lure Dopey out with the enticing prospect of taking the twins to the movies. Ugh. Personally, I'd rather clean the grunge out from underneath our fridge. In fact, I'd rather do almost anything else -- except maybe go for premarital counseling with RevCam, which is what Dopey's got in store today. Robbie questions why Dopey is so calm about the prospect of getting married. I don't know, maybe it's because he already is married? But I guess Robbie and Simon don't know that. Robbie makes some offensive comment about how most of the married guys he knows would rather go into the Witness Relocation Program than be married. Maybe he's just projecting, though, since he has secret doubts about the prospect of spending the rest of his life with International Pop Sensation Joy Enriquez. Who wouldn't? But that's what you get when you make the mistake of deciding to base a lifelong relationship on how someone looks in shiny, tight, pink pants.
Down in the CamKitchen, we get the obligatory three-second shot of Annie spending quality time with the twins before she gets up to answer the phone. It's RevCam, calling because he's nervous about the upcoming premarital counseling session with Dopey and Plot Contrivance. Annie uses this opportunity to rake him over the coals for not being supportive enough toward Dopey's marriage plans. You can see that this lecture is having very little effect on him -- until Annie's final, chilling words: "If you don't go easy on them, I'm going to go hard on you." As she hangs up on his ass (without even saying goodbye, of course), Eric looks scared.
Ruthie comes into the CamKitchen to announce that she is "bored." Well, then -- obviously she's been watching the same show that I have. SuperMom's suggestions aren't exactly the ticket to banish boredom. Ruthie vetoes the proposition of attending a movie with the twins, and she's not overly thrilled by the idea of joining SuperMom and Plot Contrivance on a field trip to see the proposed reception hall for the wedding. Ruthie is surprised that anyone's looking at reception halls, though, since she'd thought Dopey and PC were planning on a small reception in the Glasses' backyard. Hey, do you think this could be some foreshadowing of how Dopey and his bride will have a bunch of misunderstandings later in this episode? Finally, a storyline we can all care about passionately.
When Lucy returns to the baggage claim area, Mary explains that they will not be staying with the Colonel; instead, they will be staying in Wilson's old apartment. Lucy's comment mirrors my thoughts exactly when she says, "Fine, whatever." She goes to look for her carryon bag that Mary was supposed to be guarding, but it's gone. Mary does little to endear herself to anyone when she whines that she had to make a phone call and that's why she didn't watch her sister's bag.
Lucy goes over to a security guard and asks, "Excuse me, have you seen a small black bag?" You'd better treasure her politeness there, because that's the last time you're gonna see it in this episode. The security guard informs her that her bag was taken by the police because it was left unattended. Lucy belligerently demands her bag back, and when the security guard won't give it to her, she says, "Doomed, doomed, doomed. This whole trip is doomed." Though Lucy's hardly a scintillating conversationalist, this statement grabs the guard's attention. He suspiciously asks her what is doomed, and she answers, "The flight I was on, this airport, this baggage carousel, me, [Mary], you." She neglects to mention that this scene is doomed too, but that's becoming rapidly evident anyway. The guard calls over two other security guards. All three guards have that yardstick-up-the-ass look that makes me wonder if they're supposed to be the bad guys here and that we're meant to feel sympathetic toward Lucy. Since that's too loathsome a possibility for me to contemplate, let's just pretend I never mentioned it. Lucy self-righteously whines, "As an American, law-abiding citizen, I'm refusing to be searched." You wouldn't think it would be possible for anyone to act much stupider than that, but Lucy perseveres and pulls it off. Her statement makes me long to smack her across the face: "Right, I'm a terrorist -- me, Lucy Camden, leader of the Al Qaeda, Glenoak division." Oh, Brenda, how do you offend me? Let me count the ways. Actually, let's not. You'd think it would have been blatantly obvious to anyone at the WB who saw this scene that it's incredibly distasteful, yet it appears in the show anyway. Perhaps the most offensive thing of all is that it's not even remotely funny, even though that was obviously its intention. Mary's admonition to Lucy to "shut up" comes far too late for my taste.
Dopey and his bride are walking to their bullshit premarital counseling session when PC stops outside RevCam's door and says that there's something she needs to tell Matt. He guesses that she's pregnant. Ew, that would mean that they've actually had sex! Well, maybe not, since after PC denies that she's pregnant, Dopey's question is, "Am I pregnant?" I guess that's supposed to be a joke, but I sure wouldn't be surprised if Dopey's still a little hazy on the mechanics of sex and reproduction. PC tries to downplay the importance of her announcement, which is that even though she and her man agreed to have a small wedding, she now wants a large one. Dopey says doesn't care how many people she invites, as long as her father is paying for it. It all seems settled, until PC lets it slip that she and her mother have been planning this wedding for weeks. Dopey is peeved that she went ahead with that without discussing it with him first. That's understandable, and it should be easy enough to fix, but PC goes on the defensive instead, accusing Matt of not consulting her about his decision to not buy her an engagement ring. RevCam is hanging around his office door by now, eavesdropping and trying to lure the couple into his office for their counseling session. He expresses great surprise over the fact that Dopey's not planning to get his fiancée a ring. Okay, and just how would you expect Matt to pay for a ring? Isn't Dopey always talking about how he only has a few hundred dollars in savings? Everyone conveniently forgets that fact as the argument drags on and on and on. PC finally storms off, finally putting us viewers out of our misery.
Back east, at the airport security office, Mary is bitching at Lucy for antagonizing the guards and saying that she was a terrorist. Lucy asks when her sister became so knowledgeable about airport security procedures. Golly, I'd have thought that even the average preteen would know you don't mouth off to airport security people, but apparently it's news to Lucy, who goes on to diss the police officer who confiscated her bag, saying, "I'd like to meet the pea-brained moron with a badge who decided my hairdryer and makeup were a threat to anyone." Right on cue, the officer walks up. He's very pretty -- and obviously easygoing, since instead of displaying any disgust or annoyance at Lucy's rudeness, he just smiles winsomely at her and invites her to call him Kevin. Of course, it's possible that he wasn't offended at Lucy's words since he really is a "pea-brained moron." His words help to further that impression: "Sorry for the inconvenience, but these days we have to take every threat seriously -- even threats from beautiful girls." Lucy doesn't find that at all creepy, as she continues to leer at him. My suspicions about Officer Kevin's stupidity are confirmed when he asks the girls out to dinner as a way to apologize. Apologize for what? Doing his job? What a tool. Mary declines for both of them, since she is obviously eager to get started stalking hunky firefighter Ben. Lucy pulls her aside and, in a voice loud enough to be easily overheard by Kevin, starts talking about how "gorgeous" he is. Mary still refuses to accompany her, even though everyone knows that if someone is "gorgeous," it's stupid not to accept a date with him. Lucy threatens to call the CamRents and reveal that Mary has a "plan" that involves Ben. The fact that this finally wins Mary's cooperation is utterly pathetic, but pretty much what I'd expect from this show.
Dopey is having lunch with his father on the Pete's Pizza restaurant set, where he is accusing RevCam of not being supportive enough about the impending nuptials. RevCam says he is being supportive; Dopey disagrees. After a few more rounds of that, Dopey finally says, "Okay, then lend me four-thousand dollars." He wants the money so he can buy Plot Contrivance "the kind of ring she deserves." Well, considering she just finished berating him for not getting her a ring -- even though she knows he has no money -- I'm not sure she deserves much of anything. When RevCam says, "So you want her to have a ring, she wants to have a ring, but you can't afford a ring." Dopey snidely says, "Thanks for the recap." Aw, you're welcome, Matt. And thank you for the shout-out. Despite the fact that Dopey is so rude, RevCam is really excited because he's thought of a way to help out his son.
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie is having a heart-to-heart with Plot Contrivance. She's trying to convince Mrs. Dopey not to care about the ring, since she already has Matt, and he's much more important than a ring. I have my doubts about that, but since Dopey can't afford to buy a ring, the point is moot. I think it's time to move on, since I don't know how much more of Ruthie's wisdom I can take right now.
Over in "New York," Wilson's old landlady, Mrs. Corning, is showing Lucy and Mary Wilson's old apartment. She tells them that she's set up the utilities and the phone service and that she's even brought in some furniture from the garage. That hardly sounds tempting, but Lucy is thrilled that she's gone to all that trouble, especially since the girls are only planning to stay there for a couple of days. Mrs. Corning looks over at Mary quizzically, but before the woman can say anything, Mary suggests that Lucy go have her shower first. When Lucy disappears, Mary explains to Mrs. Corning that she is still planning to honor their agreement to have Mary rent the apartment permanently. Mary just hasn't told anyone in her family about this yet. Mrs. Corning asks, "This doesn't have anything to do with Ben, does it?" She adds, "You should never base your life decisions on whether a relationship is going to work out." Why do I find it so disconcerting whenever anyone says something that makes sense on this show? Because I do, you know. Mary says, "I plan to make this my home away from home whether Ben wants me back or not." I don't believe her, but Mrs. Corning does, and she hands over the apartment keys.
RevCam walks into the CamPound to find Annie and PC setting the table. He tells PC that Matt is waiting for her in the living room.
Dopey is indeed in the living room, and he's sporting a shiny brown shirt so ugly that it distracts me from the rest of the scene. It's not a very interesting scene anyway, as Dopey and PC apologize to each other and then Dopey gives her an engagement ring. It's all pretty ho-hum, until we learn the ring is fake. Oops, I mean it's gemette -- "a perfectly simulated diamond-like substance." PC storms out of the house. Is this what happens when you marry someone you've only known for forty-eight hours?
Lucy and Mary show up at a bar which looks suspiciously like the same one Lucy considered having half a beer atback in Glenoak. Officer Pea-Brained Moron walks over to the girls and compliments Lucy on her appearance. Lucy just smiles vacuously. PBM explains that his brother will be arriving shortly to be Mary's dinner date. And there's the brother now. I probably don't need to tell you that the brother in question also happens to be Ben, the hunky firefighter. Gee, what are the odds? Buffalo has a population of over 300,000, yet Mary has to rent out Wilson's old apartment, and now Ben is her blind date? I know it's also statistically unlikely for lightning to strike and kill all four of these losers right now, but that won't stop me from wishing that would happen anyway.
Ben pulls Mary aside to ask her why she's in Buffalo. He arrogantly assumes it's to try to win him back. He tells Mary she's "not mature enough" for a relationship and that she's still hung up on Wilson and Robbie. Mary replies that that's not true, conveniently forgetting that last weekshe was annoyingly still trying to win Robbie back. Mary tries to convince Ben that she's moving back to Buffalo for some reason other than his presence there, and he tries to scare her off by telling her that he has a girlfriend. Okay, but does his girlfriend know he's out on a blind date right now?
Dopey is with his parents in the CamKitchen, explaining that PC won't talk to him but that she won't go home either, since if she goes home upset, Rabbi Richard will ask her why she's upset and will find out that Dopey gave her a fake, cheap ring. Are you following all this? Don't worry -- you're not missing out on anything. RevCam tries to explain that he'd thought the feelings behind the ring were more important than the ring itself. Dopey replies that PC thinks the fakeness of the ring implies that Matt's feelings are false also. Wow, she's only been a Camden for a few weeks, and already her IQ seems to have diminished by a good fifty points. After Dopey leaves, the CamRents figure out how best to meddle in his problems. Annie says she knows "just the right ring" for PC. Ooh, the suspense. It's killing me.
Up in Ruthie's room, PC is staring down with distaste at her gemette. Ruthie comes in, which must mean it's time for some more of her special counseling. How nice for all of us. She explains to PC that Dopey is merely a bad gift-giver, just like RevCam, who once gave Annie a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. Hey, what's so bad about that? When we first started dating, my husband gave me a cool retro toaster as a gift. According to the authors of The Rules, that's exactly the gift that shows a man's not interested seriously interested in you. I beg to differ. In any case, I'd rather receive a vacuum cleaner than some ugly gimcrack that I'd feel compelled to wear even if I hated it. Of course, when we decided to get married, I asked my husband for an engagement computer rather than an engagement ring, so what do I know? Ruthie natters on some more, finally convincing PC to accept her gemette. She finishes off the lecture by asking, "Have you got it this time? Because I'm a little tired of telling you the same thing over and over again." Believe me, Ruthie, you're not the only one who's tired of this subplot.
Dopey's down in the living room, bonding with Robbie, Simon, and the twins, who, for a change, have not been banished behind the couch. Robbie and Simon are looking awfully cozy sitting to each on the floor with their shoulders touching. Robbie keeps trying to give Dopey advice, while Simon parrots everything he says. This succeeds in driving Dopey from the room, which was most likely their intention all along.
Over in Buffalo, Lucy is asking Pea-Brained Moron if he's ever wanted to shoot anyone. He says no, but that's probably only because he hasn't known Lucy and Mary for very long, and he hasn't even met Annie. Besides, I'll bet he's still thinking he'll be able to get down Lucy's pants soon. Ben sarcastically talks about how Mary has switched careers so often, and Mary tells him to mind his business. Pea-Brained Moron tries to defuse the tension by changing the subject. He tells Mary that Ben talks about her all the time and that he really doesn't have a girlfriend. This encourages Mary to start pleading her case with Ben, telling him she knows he has feelings for her because of the way he looked at her in her parents' living room. Yeah, Mary, but that was before he dumped your ass. Mary goes on to give a pedestrian, annoying speech about learning to love again, while Lucy and PBM look on in interest. Nothing like some light dinner conversation to make the evening a success. Ben still doesn't say anything, even when Mary practically begs him to take her back. As she gets up to leave, she doesn't look too worried about the failure of her plea. I'm sure that's because she's planning on stalking Ben until he gives in. After all, she has that "plan" she was talking about earlier. When Mary's gone, Pea-Brained Moron lives up to his name by encouraging his brother to follow her and not let such a fine woman get away. Ben takes his advice and goes. PBM and Lucy start making out in the restaurant. I'm sure a mass exodus by all the other grossed-out patrons of the restaurant will be .
Ben catches up with Mary, which isn't very hard to do, since she's just standing in front of the restaurant, as if waiting for him to follow her. He apologizes to Mary and starts making out with her. Now, this would have been the perfect time for them to be struck and killed by lightning, but obviously nobody on this show cares about what I want. Sniff!
Annie is sitting on that ugly porch swing that nobody ever sits on. Dopey joins her and is subjected to all her trite musings on what makes a marriage a success. Yeah, listen up, Dopey. Don't you want to have a fabulous marriage like your parents do? Annie gives him a box that contains her grandmother's engagement ring, which she wants him to have so that he can give it to Sarah. Dopey has the good grace not to enquire if the diamond is real. Actually, it's a nice scene all around, even if Dopey mars it somewhat by shaking his head while claiming he loves Sarah "with all [his] heart." Does anyone really think there's a chance that Dopey and PC will have a great marriage?
Dopey finds Sarah and proposes to her again. What is this, the third time? It really is pretty silly, especially when you consider that they're already married. I'm sure that won't stop hundreds of little girls, though, from wanting to swoon as they imagine being proposed to themselves by the greasy-headed "hunk." PC pretends that she really wants to keep the gemette as her engagement ring, but she lets Dopey talk her out of that gesture pretty quickly. As Dopey sits down in a chair and pulls PC onto his lap, I see that she's not wearing a shirt. It looks like before she came over, she put on a lacy, long-line bra and then just covered it with a bolero. Nice. The two settle down for some energetic kissing.
Over on the front stairs, Ruthie, Simon, and Robbie are spying on the happy couple. Big surprise there. Simon wonders if he will ever get married. I'm not sure what the laws are in California, but unfortunately, I doubt they allow the kind of marriage Simon would be getting into. Ruthie doubts his marriage prospects also, asserting that he will "die alone." Damn, that's cold, but funny too. What does she see for Robbie? He "will marry many times." But surely there could only be one International Pop Sensation as sensational as Joy!
As weird as it was that those three were spying on Dopey and bride, it's even weirder that the CamRents are too. You're not likely to catch me all over my husband on my parents' living room couch, but if I were making out with him there, I'd be thoroughly creeped out if I looked up and saw my parents smiling down at us. Let's just move on, shall we?
Over in Buffalo, Mary and Ben are having a shallow, boring discussion about their future as a couple. Mary breaks it up by sidling over to Ben and slipping her arm around his shoulders. He asks if she's trying to seduce him. Don't be silly, Ben! In the CamVerse there is no such thing as seduction, just lots and lots of kissing. See, it's a microcosm of the real world, right? Sure enough, kissing is exactly what Mary wants, and that makes me happy enough if it means I'll get a brief respite from all that crappy dialogue. Once the kissing is out of the way, Mary wonders what Lucy and PBM are up to. She explains that Lucy can get "a tad intense" about guys she likes. I wonder if Lucy and Kevin are engaged already. So, what do you think Mary will find when she opens the front door to let Ben out? Yep, it's Lucy and PBM making out in the hallway. They're oblivious to everything else, and Mary eventually has to pull Lucy away from Kevin and into the apartment. Damn, that's annoying. Once the guys have left, Lucy enthuses about how Buffalo is such a "fun town." I'm something of a Buffalo apologist myself, but let's not go overboard, okay?
It's morning in Buffalo, which we can tell from the same old, tired establishing shot of Wilson's apartment building. Even though the buds are just starting on the trees here in Toronto, Buffalo has a surprising amount of foliage already -- including some interesting tropical-looking plants. Honestly, I had no idea Buffalo was so verdant this time of year. Lucy thanks Mary for bringing her to Buffalo and tells her that she and Pea-Brained Moron will be keeping in touch and that he will be visiting her in Glenoak whenever he can. But of course! All the characters on this show jump on planes at a moment's notice, whether or not they have the funds to pay for it or not. At least PBM has a job. So, it turns out, does Mary. She's been hired by JetBlue airlines as a flight attendant, and she's going to be based in Buffalo. Lucy asks if she's just doing this to be close to Ben, a question which is understandable when you consider the lengths people go to on this show to maintain romantic relationships that are only a few weeks, or days, old. Mary pretends that she's really excited about her new career. Mary's been excited about so many different careers already that it's hard to believe that she'll be any more successful at this one than any of the others. She strains our credulity by insisting that she'll be jetting back to Glenoak every week to attend classes with Lucy at Crawford Clown College, and then once again demonstrates her lack of maturity by deputizing Lucy to tell the CamRents that she's not coming back to Glenoak.
Back at the Glenoak Airport, Lucy is walking down a hallway toward the CamRents. Just as she's about to reach them, an extra almost walks into her but swerves at the last minute, smiling sheepishly. Honestly, how much could it possibly cost to re-shoot that tiny snippet of a scene? Obviously more than the WB's top-rated show can afford.
After a flurry of effusive greetings, Lucy has to break the news to her parents that Mary is staying in Buffalo to become a flight attendant. Once Mary's done with her training, she'll be flying the super-prestigious Buffalo-Glenoak corridor. At first I laughed when I heard that, but then I realized that since everyone on this show only travels between Buffalo and Glenoak, the premise is really not so far-fetched. Heh, yeah, right. Lucy tries to lighten the mood by telling her parents that she's met a "really cute guy," but understandably, nobody's interested. Lucy saunters off to the baggage claim area, "feeling lucky," while Eric clutches his heart. I think that, just like me, he's merely hoping to make it to the end of the season unscathed.