As is so often the case, the show opens with something that I really don't need to see. In this case, it's a close-up of Barry Watson's bare feet as he slow-dances around a hotel room with his new bride. And make no mistake: This is his new bride. There is much flashing of wedding rings, just so we'll all figure it out. In case you missed the big display because were already starting to fall asleep, Dopey calls Plot Contrivance "Mrs. Camden." I'm still not sure how the lovely couple procured a wedding license -- let alone an official to perform the ceremony -- on a Sunday night, but let's not worry about that now. Personally, I think the fact that Brenda Hampton has these people telling each other "I love you" is an insult to anyone who's ever said those words and meant them. It's hard to tell whether they've had adult relations yet, but since Plot Contrivance is still speaking to Dopey -- instead of lying speechless on the floor, totally incapacitated by laughter -- I'm guessing they haven't got down to it quite yet. The phone rings, and the kids decide that it is Dopey's patriarchal duty to answer it. They procrastinate a bit, though, saying gushy things to each other and flashing their stupid wedding rings some more. As Dopey walks over to the phone, we see a couple of champagne glasses on the bedside table. And guess what: They're half full.
Dopey dorkily answers the phone as both "Mr. and Mrs. Camden." The caller is Ruthie, who says, "I don't believe it. You really are stupider than Mary!" Is he actually stupider than Mary? That's a tough call. Bratty Ruthie asks what Dopey will give her if she keeps his marriage a secret. He says he and Plot Contrivance will name their firstborn child after her. This will be especially funny if the child is a boy. We'll never get to see that, though, since PC points out that Jewish custom forbids naming children after living relatives. Less than five minutes of research tells me that not all Jews follow that custom, but the prospect of disposing of Ruthie holds enough appeal for me that I won't quibble over details. Dopey tries a little emotional blackmail by telling Ruthie he knows she won't tell anyone about his wedding, because she "knows how important this is to [him]." Ruthie melodramatically tilts her head way over to one side, as if she is contemplating something of great enormity, while PC adopts a facial expression that suggests she finds this all very touching. Ruthie hangs up on her brother without even saying goodbye, although she does congratulate him on his dumb-ass marriage. As Dopey turns back to PC after hanging up the phone, we see that he is still wearing his girly medallion. That settles it: There's no way he and Plot Contrivance could have had sex yet. It would take any sane woman way more than half a glass of sparkling wine to sleep with someone who's sporting jewelry that ugly. Maybe PC's not so sane, though, since she obviously finds Dopey sexy enough to push him down onto the bed and climb on top of him. Ugh, there goes lunch -- mine, that is. Dopey demonstrates the strength of the incredible bond he and PC have built over the past twenty-four hours by promising that he will always be there for her. You know, Matt, "always" means pretty much the same thing as "forever," and that's a really, really long time. Haven't you ever listened to that Meat Loaf song?
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster differentiates itself from all the past ones by being genuinely hilarious. As the CamRents sit at the breakfast table with the twins, they adopt expressions that are probably supposed to imply that they are worrying about Dopey; that is, RevCam looks kind of pained while Annie just looks constipated. One of the twins offers Annie a distinctly unappealing burnt pancake from his plate. At least she is polite enough to say, "Oh, thank you, sweetie, no." When the other twin waves one of his pancakes in his father's face, RevCam just brushes him away with a look of annoyed dismissal that is so perfect, it makes me wonder whether Stephen Collins possesses hitherto undemonstrated comedic talents. After ostentatiously checking their watches, the CamRents move out of earshot of the twins and start reminiscing about another time Dopey stayed out all night -- something to do with stalking Heather across the country by bus. I'm not exactly heartbroken that I missed that episode. Annie is being the calm, sensible one here, pointing out that Dopey is over twenty-one and probably doesn't feel that he needs to call home. This does nothing to assuage RevCam's sense of doom. Annie goes back to the table to pour something into a drinking glass. It looks like maple syrup.
Robbie comes into the kitchen to ask if Dopey is home yet. When he sees the look on RevCam's face, he apologizes and asks if Eric wants him to go find Dopey. RevCam says no, but then shoots him a glare that seems to say, "Yes, of course I do! But let's wait until Annie's left the room to talk about it." Right on cue, SuperMom says she's going to get the twins cleaned up so she can "get ready to have a calm, wonderful day." The amount of fake cheer she manages to pack into that one sentence is astonishing. When RevCam doesn't scurry right up the stairs with her, she turns around and spits out, "Come on!" RevCam starts to go up the stairs, but when his shrew of a wife is out of sight, he turns back to Robbie and asks, "Got any idea about where to look for him?" Robbie offers to drive by the local hotels, which causes RevCam to flip out, saying, "He better not have been at a hotel, or I really will forbid him from going out with this Sarah again." This makes Robbie laugh right in his face. Robbie tries to explain to him, rather gently, that RevCam will have a hard time controlling his son's life when Dopey goes off to medical school. Dopey, med school! Ha-ha! Sorry. RevCam warns Robbie, "I'm not in a good mood about Matt staying out, so you just watch it. Tell the others to watch it too." His attempt to be a tough guy reminds me of how my rabbit, Mr. Bundle Buggy, used to try to intimidate my Swiffer by growling at it when I swiffed around his cage. He wasn't fooling anybody, and neither is Eric. I think Bundle Buggy eventually realized that growling at the Swiffer wasn't accomplishing anything, and now he always looks vaguely embarrassed when he sees it, as if he's hoping no one remembers his growling days. To be fair, Stephen Collins looks like he's playing RevCam's bad-assity for laughs here, and Robbie plays along, snickering when Eric turns his back.
Mary and Lucy come in, and Robbie warns them while pointing to RevCam, "Watch it -- not in a good mood." Mary and Lucy are far too uncool to see that this is funny. Stephen Collins smirks at Robbie and then leaves. The girls just want to gossip frantically about whether Dopey is married, but Robbie's just not that interested. Simon joins them in the CamKitchen, complaining because all the gossiping woke him up. Lucy demands to know how he can sleep "with everything going on." Simon's answer is a ridiculous, "I'm fifteen; I sleep." Is there actually a fifteen-year-old in the universe who would be caught dead saying something that stupid? I'm betting that Simon just wanted to sleep because it's an activity that's so much more enjoyable than speculating on Dopey's marital status. Come on -- what would you rather do? I rest my case. Simon suggests that the girls find Ruthie and bother the hell out of her until she tells them everything she knows.
Alas, that is not meant to be, since Ruthie is sneaking down the front stairs and out the door. She looks heavenward and speaks to God, wasting His time by telling Him, "[Dopey] better get here before I get home from school. You can only expect so much from me." You know, I don't think God is all that worried about whether or not Ruthie can keep Matt's secrets. After all, He's known as the Supreme Being, not the Half-Witted, Needs A Hobby, Loser Being. There's a reason for that.
Over at Plot Contrivance's parents' house, Dopey is getting ready to carry her across the threshold. That's romantic, I suppose, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, unless the happy couple is planning on living with her parents. I can't be absolutely certain, since I taped over last week's episode already, but it seems like PC is wearing a different dress than she had on during her date last night. Did she pack along an extra outfit, just in case she had to rush off and get married? I know I always used to do that when I went out on a first date. Just as Dopey is about to bring his bride inside, Rabbi Richard Lewis opens the door and orders Dopey to put his daughter down. Plot Contrivance, in turn, orders Matt to put her down inside the house. He obeys. PC giggles and goes over to kiss her unhappy father. Rabbi Richard gives a short speech about how he hopes that Dopey and his daughter were just rehearsing the whole threshold bit, since he will not allow her to marry a non-Jew. Like I said, it's a pretty short speech, but it takes him about three or four decades to get it all out. That's probably because he's using his annoying trademarked stand-up comedian delivery, even though there's nothing about the speech that is even remotely funny.
Here comes Laraine Newman, playing the Jewish mother stereotype much, much better than any of my friends' mothers ever have. Laraine is worried because PC stayed out all night, and now she's forcing her to eat breakfast. Rabbi Richard leaves to pray; Laraine redeems herself in my eyes slightly when she asks Dopey, "How can you see my daughter's beautiful smile with your hair in your face like that?" I hope that's not the only good line they're gonna give her. As Laraine leaves, PC tells Dopey that she thinks her mother "suspects" that they are married, but that she will accept Matt eventually. She thinks her father never will. After the great flashing of the wedding rings last night, I have to wonder why Dopey is no longer wearing his. My husband lost his ring in the ocean about eight months after we were married (making me real glad we were too cheap to spring for platinum), but this is not even a day after the wedding, and Dopey's already misplaced his ring?
Did I mention that Stephen Collins is directing this episode? No? Well, he is, and he's using the opportunity to showcase his "wacky" side. RevCam is shouting at Dopey for being "irresponsible" and a "hormonal freak." Okay, that's kind of funny, except that Dopey's not anywhere in the scene. RevCam's just shouting at his own image in the mirror while shaving. At least, I think he's shaving. It's entirely possible that he's foaming at the mouth and the foam just spread across his face. Annie knocks on the door and tries to get him to calm down. It's kind of sad that Catherine Hicks always looks like she's about three seconds away from going postal, even when she's doing her best to be the voice of reason.
Lucy and Mary are panicking profusely as they search for Ruthie in the garage. It's not a pretty picture, and it makes me wonder just how much Brenda Hampton actually hates women. I suppose Stephen Collins has to bear some of the blame, too, for making these girls look like the most annoying fuckwits ever to grace the planet. By the way, the wardrobe department has really outdone itself with Mary's sweater. It's the ugliest piece of clothing I have ever seen, and considering that I was alive during the seventies, that's really saying something. When Lucy points out that Ruthie's bike is missing, Mary suggests that she and Lucy hop on bikes themselves and go searching for their sister. Great plan! Oh, no, one of the bikes has a flat! Quick, Mary, help Lucy find the tire patching stuff! I love that this entire scene is played out as if there were some incredible emergency unfolding and only Lucy and Mary can save the day by riding for help. Everyone seems to be forgetting that the only thing at stake here is that two gossipy losers want to pry into their brother's love life. That's it in total. When Mary remembers that she has a car and realizes that she and Lucy can utilize that car to stalk Ruthie, it's probably supposed to be humorous. However, I'm cringing too hard at the way these flighty women are portrayed to even consider laughing. Of course, in order for this scene to make me laugh, there would probably have to be something funny happening onscreen, and that's obviously not the case here.
Remember how I was saying that Simon seemed a little cooler than the rest of the family because he isn't in a tizzy over Dopey's marital status? Well, I was wrong. He's just as lame as everyone else, and he proves it in the CamKitchen by asking his mother if he can stay home from school, "just in case things get interesting around here." Since I can't remember anything truly interesting happening to the Camdens since, well, ever, Simon might have to drop out of school permanently and devote the rest of his life to waiting. To her credit, Annie nixes his stupid idea of staying home. Robbie comes down to the CamKitchen and tries to reassure Annie by saying, "Don't worry. Regular guys stay out all night all the time. It doesn't mean anything." Never having been a "regular guy," I can't really comment on the veracity of that statement, but Robbie's implication that Dopey is not normal amuses me greatly. Robbie cracks me up by saying, "He probably wasn't even having…you know." He then endears himself to me further by condescendingly adding, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that in front of the children." Simon whacks him in the shoulder for that.
Upstairs, RevCam is engaged in some delightful bonding with the twins when the phone rings. Eric picks it up on the first ring; so does Annie. The caller, Dopey, seems a little confused by this, but he recovers and hurriedly tells his parents that he's at Plot Contrivance's house right now, but he will be bringing her by the CamPound shortly. He's agitated enough to forget his usual phone manners, and actually says goodbye before hanging up. Annie has no such problems. When RevCam says into the phone, "This is not good," Annie just hangs right up on his ass, not even bothering to reply.
Dopey heaves a big sigh, happy to have got that phone call out of the way. He shouldn't be relaxing just yet, though, since Rabbi Richard is standing right behind him, staring at him in a manner most creepy. When Dopey turns around and sees his father-in-law, he has the presence of mind not to shriek in terror as I would have undoubtedly done in that situation. Rabbi Richard monotones, "You wanted to tell me something." Dopey really doesn't look like he has anything to say, but I've got a few thoughts I wouldn't mind sharing. Richard, I'm sorry if you invested your Robin Hood: Men in Tights money badly and have found that you need to get a job now. But did you really think that appearing on 7th Heaven was the most dignified thing you could do? Have you thought of checking out your local Burger King? I'm pretty sure they're hiring.
Speaking of a complete and utter lack of dignity, Lucy and Mary have been circling the block for ages, trying to find Ruthie. You'd think one time around the block would have convinced them to look elsewhere, but no. They're still here, urgently discussing how important it is that they find Ruthie so they can learn about Dopey's activities before anyone else in the family does. It's sort of funny that even though they're moving along at a pretty good clip in Mary's convertible, their hair is barely being ruffled by the wind. Mary suggests that they concentrate their efforts on finding the man himself. Her rationale? "He's not as smart as Ruthie. We can get the information from him easier than we can get it from her." When Lucy asks where they can find Matt, Mary has no idea. Well, she does have one, actually. She suggests, "We should eat first. That'll help us think." Let's just say I don't have a whole lot of faith in that idea.
Dopey is sitting with his new in-laws in their kitchen. Nobody's looking very comfortable. Rabbi Richard starts to say something, but Laraine stops him, reminding him that they'd promised to wait until their daughter was with them before they said anything. Richard complains, "What's taking so long? Does she dress up now to have a conversation?" The fact that Laraine smiles at this leads me to the unsettling conclusion that it was meant to be funny. Oh, this is almost too sad to watch. I've always thought Richard Lewis seemed like an intelligent, funny guy, even though most of his comedy is not my cup of tea. To hear him spouting dialogue like this is just painful. At least he's got one thing right, though, when he says that Dopey "really know[s] nothing" about Plot Contrivance. Ah, here comes the little enigma now, and she's anxious to lead Dopey outside to talk to him alone. After the young lovebirds leave, Rabbi Richard and Laraine engage in some dialogue that is so mind-numbingly dull that I have to read a couple pages of the phone book to wake up enough that I can continue the recap.
Plot Contrivance tries to convince Dopey that they should put off announcing their marriage to her parents. To his credit, Dopey actually wants to take the mature route and own up to it. PC tries a different approach, saying that she thinks she should just tell parents herself, without Dopey present. She explains her craptacular technique for breaking bad news to her parents: "I'll tell them some really, really horrible news first, and when they're moaning and groaning about that, then I'll say, 'Just kidding. But the good news is Matt and I just got married.'" Even Dopey realizes that this is incredibly stupid. It's pretty funny that PC doesn't want to be around when Dopey breaks the news to the CamRents. I guess she's already had enough of them after their first meeting, so I can't say I blame her. Still, if she were mature enough to get married -- and I'm not saying she is -- she should be mature enough to at least admit it to people. I wonder how Dopey feels about all these new things he's learning about his bride -- like the fact that she's a liar and a wimp. But since he dove into this marriage after a mere twenty-four hours, he really shouldn't be surprised if his wife turns out to be a freak.
The Roving Dumb-Asses are still in Mary's car, driving around aimlessly. Mary finally clues in that it's Monday, so Ruthie must be in school. Lucy realizes that she and Mary should also be in school. Honestly, what difference would it make whether they're there or not? Two people with this little common sense couldn't possibly derive any benefit from education, could they?
Back in the CamKitchen, Annie is trying to convince RevCam that they should "just go about [their] business, act as normal as possible, and then when Matt comes home, act as if nothing has happened." When RevCam questions the wisdom of this, Annie asserts that it's better than any plan he could have. Sadly, that is probably true, especially since RevCam's idea involves telling Dopey that if he got married, he will have to get the marriage annulled. Annie tries her hand at being the voice of reason again, though what she comes up with is unintentionally hilarious: "We don't know what he was doing out all night, but we should trust that whatever it was, it reflects everything that we have taught him." Oh, you mean stalking, right? Annie tosses RevCam out of the CamKitchen. Her voice is very calm, but her facial expression is downright psycho.
Down at Ruthie's school, the ever-chipper Mrs. Mackoul walks by and says hello to the brat. She obviously wants to get away from Ruthie as quickly as she can, but Ruthie starts talking about how she has a secret about Matt staying out all night, and not being able to divulge this secret is weighing very heavily on her. Still smiling incessantly, Mrs. Mackoul keeps trying to get away while explaining that she doesn't want to know the secret, but Ruthie keeps coming after her. I can certainly understand anyone wanting to escape from Ruthie, but as a teacher, doesn't Mrs. Mackoul have an obligation to listen to her students when they so obviously need someone to talk to? How does she know that Ruthie's secret is so lame that no one should give a shit about it? Maybe the reason that Dopey didn't come home is because Cruella cut his body up into little pieces and buried them in the backyard. And maybe Ruthie witnessed this and now she's afraid that Annie will kill her . Or to be more serious, Ruthie could be upset about some sort of physical or sexual abuse that's going on in her household, and she's finally got up the courage to confide in her beloved teacher, who won't do a thing to help her. That sure would do a number on a kid's self-esteem -- not to mention that the child with the secret could be living in an extremely dangerous family situation. But Mrs. Mackoul is obviously not the sort of helpful person a child should trust. She does her damnedest to convince Ruthie to keep her secrets to herself. Never once does the smile leave her face while she's doing this. She's scary.
Back in the Contrivance kitchen, everyone's sitting silently around the table. Finally, Rabbi Richard speaks up. He says that there must be something in his ear, since he couldn't hear what his daughter just told him. I guess the "joke" is that Plot Contrivance never said anything. Or maybe Richard really is hallucinating, since his rambling, nonsensical speech makes him sound like he dropped a whole lot of acid, and then smoked a couple grams of hash for good measure. PC finally summons the courage to try out her stupid bad-news-breaking technique by telling her parents she is pregnant. Laraine is savvy enough to remark that since PC just met Dopey, she can't know that she's pregnant with his child. Hence, the father must be someone named Kenny. Dopey asks who Kenny is, to which Richard replies with the first funny line I've heard him say on this show: "Until today, he's the man I least liked in the universe." He glares at Dopey while saying this. Plot Contrivance decides it's time to implement the step of her plan, so she tells her parents she was just kidding about being pregnant. Rabbi Richard may be stoned to the gills, but he does clue in to what his daughter is doing, and he calls her on it. Then he asks what the real news is. PC starts to tell him, but chickens out at the last minute, claiming that she and Dopey got engaged. Rabbi Richard is pissed off, but Laraine tries to put a good face on it, sort of, by saying that at least it's good that they're not married. But, see, the audience knows that Dopey and PC are actually married, so that makes it extra funny for us. Right? …Right?
Dopey and his bride are having another little chat outside her house. Actually, Dopey is yelling at her for lying to her parents, and he's not exactly thrilled that she wants him to lie to his parents too. In fact, he says one of the few intelligent things I've ever heard him say: "I don't think lying about being married is a good way to start off a marriage." He also brings up the fact that Ruthie knows about the marriage and will never be able to keep their secret. Plot Contrivance tells him to leave the worrying to her, since she comes "from a long line of worriers." That's some sort of stereotype too, isn't it?
Ruthie walks into the CamKitchen to receive a grilling from RevCam. He's obviously trying to find out if she knows anything about Dopey staying out all night. Or perhaps he just regularly micromanages her life by asking her searching questions about how she enjoyed her lunch. Lucy and Mary walk in, and are just about to start grilling Ruthie themselves when they see RevCam. He wants to know why they have been so anxious to find Ruthie. Normally, I'd suggest that Mary leave the lying to Lucy, but since Lucy's IQ seems to have dropped about fifty points over the past year, it probably doesn't matter who comes up with their excuse. The best Mary can do is, "We just wanted to give her a ride home, that's all." Ruthie's a little more slick, so she tells her father, "I don't know what they're up to, but they're up to something," then hightails it out of the kitchen. Lucy admits that she and Mary are dying to know why their brother stayed out all night. Simon and Robbie walk in. Simon asks about Dopey, while Robbie just laughs at RevCam. He apologizes, sort of: "I'm sorry, but what are you gonna do? He stayed out all night. Is it the end of the world?" Probably not to a non-freak, but this is RevCam we're talking about here.
The wacky CamJinks continue as Ruthie stands up on someone's bed in the attic bedroom so she can look out the window and wait for the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Dopey. Fortunately for her, they're just getting out of the DopeMobile now. Ruthie knocks frantically on the window, trying to get their attention, but they're too busy making out to notice her. I'm not sure what she would have done if they'd looked up at her anyway -- smiled and waved, maybe? Lucy and Mary walk into the room to see Ruthie knocking on the window. That doesn't even tip them off to the arrival of Dopey, though, and it's not until Ruthie jumps down off the bed and runs out of the room that the older girls think to climb up on the bed themselves and look out the window. It's hard to tell, but I think they're wearing street shoes as they trample the pillows of whoever's bed this is. How charming. Hygienic, too. When they see that Dopey has arrived, they run downstairs, waving their arms in a zany manner not seen since the heyday of Three's Company. They run past Annie and the twins in the upstairs hallway. SuperMom realizes that Dopey must be home, so she starts running toward the stairs herself. She's so excited that she almost leaves a twin behind. Considering the kind of parenting she and Eric give the boys, I'm a little surprised that StuporMom even goes back to retrieve the forgotten twin.
Ruthie is on the front porch with Mr. and Mrs. Dopey. Lucy and Mary are trying to open the front door, but Matt is holding it closed from the outside while he insists that he has something to tell Ruthie before he talks to the others. It's pretty funny when Dopey lets go of the doorknob and Lucy and Mary go sailing backwards. I'm hoping to see them fall on their asses, but Robbie catches Mary in his arms. He almost gets to cop a feel at the same time -- though Adam LaVorgna probably doesn't care about that these days. We get a close-up of the twins, and it looks like they're about to speak, but fortunately, they don't. Dopey suggests that everyone repair to the living room. Plot Contrivance stands there and looks a little overwhelmed by the fact that the whole damn CamFam is standing in the foyer, staring at her and Dopey. What the hell kind of freak family did she marry into anyway?
Everyone meanders aimlessly around the living room for what feels like about half a day. Before they sit down, the CamRents deposit the twins behind the couch. That's right -- behind the couch. What the fuck? It's one of the strangest things I've ever seen, but what's even weirder is that the camera actually focuses in on them while they're doing it. Is this a shout-out to all the people who are appalled at how the twins are treated? I'd like to think so. Dopey finally gets around to performing the introductions, which takes up the rest of the day. Then Plot Contrivance starts telling Ruthie that she's heard about how much the girl likes horses. Ruthie's very adamant about the fact that she likes horses a lot. There's a cheap joke in there somewhere, but I'm too lazy to look for it. After this pleasant intro, PC gets right down to business, telling Ruthie, "Maybe you and I could talk about my horse -- a horse I can't take care of when I go away to Columbia year." Ever since Adam LaVorgna allegedly did his stint in rehab, Robbie's been such a great character. Not only has his IQ risen considerably, but now it's like he exists solely to mock all the characters, and I love him for it. He says to PC, "If I knew you better, I wouldn't think that sounds like a bribe of some sort." While that sentence makes very little sense as an actual sentence, I think I get the gist of what he's trying to say here, and it's pretty funny. Everyone else has been watching this exchange with some bewilderment, so PC changes the topic, announcing that she and the Dopester are engaged. She's really upbeat as she says it, but the response is still rather underwhelming. When nobody says anything, Dopey launches into a long speech about how it might seem crazy to get engaged so quickly, but he and Sarah are in love. His delivery suggests that he's been dipping into Rabbi Richard's secret stash, and the dialogue is so achingly dull that I have to read a couple chapters of my college accounting textbook just to wake up enough to continue the recap. At one point, he slips up and calls PC his "wife," which is something Lucy and Mary jump all over, but Dopey performs a half-decent save by calling PC his "wife-to-be." The CamRents welcome PC into the family, albeit grudgingly. Lucy asks, "So, when's the big day?" Dopey suggests "May-June," which is not a month I've ever heard of. Maybe he meant to say "May-television sweeps month"? PC addresses the room in general as she asks, "Ever been to a Jewish wedding?" Everyone falls dead silent. When Dopey explains that PC's father is a rabbi, both CamRents start in with the funny face-making. It's not pretty.
Mr. and Mrs. Dopey are making out in his bitchin' DopeMobile. When they pull back from each other, we see Ruthie sitting in the back seat, with her face about eight inches from theirs. Ew -- that is certainly one of the weirder things I've ever seen. ["That sort of reminded me of when Greg had to bring Bobby on his date on The Brady Bunch, and Bobby wound up punching a hole in the roof of Greg's convertible with an umbrella. The writing was a lot better in that instance, though." -- Sars] Plot Contrivance reminds Ruthie about the horse bribe, and then Dopey tells the girl that after he walks PC to the door, he and Ruthie are going to have a long talk. Ruthie sarcastically says, "Looking forward to it." The Dopeys start making out again, ignoring Ruthie when she not-so-subtly reminds them, "I've got school tomorrow."
Laraine and Rabbi Richard are back in the kitchen, moping over the fact that their daughter is engaged to Dopey. Laraine bursts into tears and says, "I'm not so sure they're not married." Oh, come on, people. Just deal with it.
The CamRents are even more annoying, as they indulge in a full-blown weep-fest. Hey, I think it's perfectly okay for men to cry, but I have to be catty and say that RevCam looks completely dorky when he's doing it. It's even worse when Eric starts whining about how sorry he feels for himself. Annie feels sorry for him too. I don't think it's because he looks like an idiot when he cries; it has more to do with the fact that his son is planning to have a Jewish wedding. I'm not sure how I'd feel about that if I were a minister, but doesn't RevCam have another six children, plus Robbie, for whom he could conceivably perform wedding ceremonies? In the grand scheme of things, I'm finding it a little hard to dredge up much sympathy for RevCam, especially when he says that he kind of hopes Matt and PC are already married. Huh? Is he that opposed to a Jewish ceremony? What a dolt. I'm not sure I'm understanding this scene, but I'll just have to put that down to Brenda's craptastic writing.
Up in Simon's room, Lucy is bringing him his dinner on a tray. I know I'm not the only one who noticed the weird flirty vibe going on between these two. They're almost like a married couple themselves as they get down to doing their own speculating about whether or not Dopey and Plot Contrivance are married. Simon decides that they are. Lucy asks if he thinks the Dopeys will still be planning a wedding. Why? Does she really want to wear a puffy pink bridesmaid's dress that badly? Simon thinks there will be a wedding; he also thinks that Dopey and PC will really get into looking at china patterns. Personally, I can picture Dopey decorating his home with nothing but Hello Kitty merchandise. That ought to be a fairly unpleasant surprise for his married-in-haste wife. Lucy uses this opportunity to reminisce about how she and Jeremy used to sit around and plan their own wedding. I know there are plenty of people who marry young and have wonderful lives, but I can't help but feel that eighteen is too young for someone to be spending all her time looking at china patterns. When I was eighteen, I was still decorating with spray-paint and milk crates. Not that you can't do perfectly splendid things with spray-paint. I had the nicest spray-painted gold rotary phone my freshman year in college. In fact, Bell Canada was so impressed with it, they didn't even charge me any damages when I returned the rental phone at the end of the year. Of course, since I had my phone number registered under the name "Flannery O'Connor" that year, there's probably not a whole lot they could have done about finding me. Oh, but where was I? Simon comes over and gives Lucy a hug that's mostly brotherly. There's a weird shot of Happy sniffing at the sandwich Lucy just brought up for Simon's dinner. Maybe that's to cut the incestuous undertones of this whole scene. Simon tries to comfort Lucy by telling her that she's bound to find the perfect guy. He says, "One night when you least expect it, you'll walk into a room, and there he'll be." I think he means one night when she walks into his bedroom with a sandwich on a tray. Simon does nothing to diminish my suspicions when he moves in for another hug.
Mary's sitting in the CamKitchen when Robbie comes in to get a snack from the fridge. She starts soliciting his opinion on the Dopey/Plot Contrivance situation, but Robbie could not be any less interested. She does not fare much better with her conversational gambit: "I still think about marrying you, you know?" Robbie comes awfully close to laughing in her face, though he just manages to restrain himself. When Mary mentions Joy, Robbie says, "I love her, Mary. And you, you guys are like brothers and sisters to me now." Hey, that's not stopping Simon and Lucy. Mary humiliates herself further by saying that since she'd been shipped off to Buffalo while Robbie was becoming part of the family, she sometimes feels like he's her husband. I know -- that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. Mary deepens her shame even more by saying, "Sometimes I fantasize that we're married and we're living with my folks and working our way through college and planning to get jobs and leave and start a family of our own one day." Robbie is still largely unmoved by Mary's repeated attempts to degrade herself. Actually, Mary's almost likeable in this scene, and I'm thisclose to feeling sorry for her, but years of experience have taught me that she's liable to annoy the living shit out of me in the very scene she's in, so I don't think I'll waste my time.
Dopey and Ruthie have a heart-to-heart in the back seat of his car. I'm happy to say that at least this scene has no icky undertones of incest. Ruthie wants to know if Plot Contrivance really has a horse. She points out that Dopey doesn't really know PC any better than she does. Dopey claims that his bride is "an honest person." I think he's conveniently forgetting about the fact that not only did PC tell her own parents a pretty monumental lie, but she even coerced him into lying to his parents. Maybe Brenda has a different definition of the word "honest." After all, she redefined "family values" in a way that oh so many people, including myself, find revolting. Dopey goes on to use a little emotional blackmail on Ruthie to ensure that she will keep his big secret. Despite that, it's nice to see how these two relate. The whole scene is kind of smarmy, but with Ruthie's assertion that she loves her brother and is willing to keep his secret -- whether she gets to keep Mrs. Dopey's horse or not -- Brenda almost manages to pull off a pretty touching scene. Almost.