Continuing its fine tradition of bringing us the very worst of pop culture with Kid Rock, a look into the lives of the members of a manufactured boy band, and Carson Daly, MTV now gives us a behind-the-scenes look at 7th Heaven.
We start with a whole smattering of images showing us what to expect on the upcoming show, such as the revelation of "Camden family secrets," one of which appears to be that Catherine Hicks is a little bit behind the cool times when she flashes the camera an early-'90s peace sign.
And suddenly my eyes are assaulted with a montage of cast photos that rapidly zoom into the screen. One of the pictures is of someone's arm. Whatever. And here's Aaron Spelling sitting to some woman. He introduces her as Brenda Hampton. Can I just say that this is the moment I've been waiting for for a good long time? We finally get to see Brenda, of "Brenda's Cookies" fame! I was expecting some kind of senile SNL Church Lady look-alike in her late seventies with absolutely no grasp of reality, but instead we get…an Annie Camden look-alike, blonde hair and all. I was initially disappointed, but then I realized how very telling it is that Brenda most likely modeled Annie on herself. Aaron Spelling lets us know what Brenda's jobs are on the 7H set and how great she is at all of them. Brenda responds in kind by calling him "legendary." The ego stroking continues as Spelling lets us know that 7H is the show he's "the most proud of. In my life." If that's true, it's one of the most pathetic statements I've ever heard, but since we all know that Spelling is most proud of Charlie's Angels, I am relieved of the burden of sympathy.
Brenda tells us the fascinating origins of the title of 7H. As it does for all geniuses, the title just "came to [her]." Congratulations, Brenda! You and whoever thought of the title for Full House both deserve your own stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for your creative thinking in regards to family show titles. Brenda lies that 7H is about a "functional family," and each episode is a "morality play." She says that 7H is like the shows Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver, and I think she's right; those two shows and 7H all share the special distinction of presenting their audiences with a completely unrealistic portrayal of families that often causes psychological damage to the young people who watch them.
The hyper montage of cast photos and some guy's arm comes back again, this time accompanied by rockin' electric guitar power chords. No Sad Clarinets on MTV, folks! Catherine Hicks describes her awful character to us as an "at-home mom who's just…good at it," and then proceeds to tell us all about how damn happy every single person in the Camden house is. This is accompanied by the following shots from the show: Annie rolling over in bed, rejecting her husband's advances; RevCam putting the twins at the table while Annie sits around; and some of her kids sitting on the stairs in order to spy on the other kids. If only my family were this happy.
Stephen Collins is up, and he tells us that Eric is a minister at a "non-denominational Christian church." So I guess the answer to the big question on the forums about the denomination of the Camdens' church is that it isn't any denomination. Nice cop-out there, Brenda. Then Collins does a little sarcastic-sounding laugh thing that makes me think that, in real life, he thinks Eric sucks. Apparently Brenda would have none of this, because there's a sudden cut where she probably made them stop the tape so she could give Collins twenty bucks to let us all know the virtues of the Camden family. It's the best family ever, and Eric and Annie have a great marriage.
Barry Watson struggles to find something good to say about Matt, and the best he can do is tell us that Matt is "the nicest guy in the world." Then he laughs dorkily.
Oh, yuck, it's Jessica Biel. Her description of Mary has been cut, while she was in mid-sentence, about four or five times. She does not say anything about how she could kick Mary's ass in a fight like she said in Gear, sadly.
Beverley Mitchell talks about Lucy, making her sound as lame as she actually is.
David Gallagher is , and he apparently has a short-term memory problem, as he describes Simon as someone who doesn't drink, even though we all saw Simon drinking like two weeks ago.
Mackenzie Rosman struggles valiantly to describe Ruthie as something other than a sociopath.
Adam LaVorgna tells us about Robbie…and is that a shot of Robbie walking into the Camden house with Britney Spears? No, it's not Britney, it's International Pop Sensation Joy Enriquez -- but what an easy mistake to make! LaVorgna says nothing new or interesting about Robbie.
The Montage Of Obnoxiousness starts up again. We are introduced to a Burt Brickerhoff, who actually admits that he's a director and a producer on the show. If I were him, I would demand that they put one of those witness-protection smudges on my face and alter my speaking voice. He gives us a short summary of the show they're taping, entitled "I Really Do." Then Gallagher does the same thing. Then Collins does it too. And then Biel also tells us what the show is about. That was so annoying. Burt comes back and tells us -- Spoiler alert! -- about the religious differences between Matt and his new girlfriend, saying, "They start to wonder whether that would be a problem for them to be together for the rest of their lives." So maybe I do need three more people to tell me what he just said after all, because old Burt doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense.
Montage Of Obnoxiousness. LaVorgna gets the distinct privilege of showing us around the Camden house. There's a shot of him opening the door that gets repeated like six times. Those MTV editors, always trying to use as many tools as they possibly can, even if it's stupid and unnecessary. LaVorgna has a bad-ass tattoo on his arm, and he's holding some kind of futuristic tennis racket. He shows us around the living room, and points out a weird picture of RevCam and Annie. It looks like the prop department just took a picture of Collins's and Hicks's heads and put them on a wedding couple's bodies. LaVorgna describes the dining room as a place where "many a tear [is] shed." Maybe so, but not in Robbie's scenes, where tears are supposed to be shed, but due to a certain tattoo-sporting actor's acting inability, are not. LaVorgna gets all excited in the kitchen, asking us if we're "ready for" the refrigerator. I predict that it will have something hilarious and decidedly un-Camden inside it, but all it has in it is…a lot of food. Wooo. Not exciting. LaVorgna then shows us the twins' room and spends way too much time talking about all the Vaseline contained therein. And we get to see Robbie and Matt's Hello Kitty bedroom suite. He jokes about how masculinely it's been decorated, and then someone off-camera throws a pillow at him. He says the room's decorating is a "running theme…and it's funny, I guess." It's the funniest thing on your crappy show, LaVorgna. He then tells us that maybe season they'll get some Limp Bizkit posters in there or something. I hope not, because Hello Kitty is seriously a lot cooler than Limp Bizkit. Also, I don't want to consider the fact that season's audience will continue to be subjected to the acting stylings of Adam LaVorgna.
Beverley shows us around the unremarkable room her character shares with Ruthie and Mary. They have a lot of family pictures all over the place. She spends an inordinate amount of time in the closet ragging on the clothes contained therein. Whatever, Beverley -- even that sweatshirt is better than anything your character wears. Beverley tells us about the "chaos" that goes on the room, and then I have an acid flashback as her arms develop trails. Oh no, wait, that's just those sneaky MTV editors trying to trick me again by using "special" effects for no discernible reason.
MoO. Camera stuff is getting set up as Biel lets us know what we're about to see. Surprise, surprise: it's a scene in which the entire family shamelessly watches their son/brother/roommate make out with a girl. Biel glances around to make sure The Overlord Of Morality, Brenda, is nowhere nearby, and then says, "Bitchy." So bad-ass. Catherine Hicks very professionally ignores her director's request that the cast get ready to rehearse, and flashes us a peace sign. The cast sets up and looks out the window, except for Hicks, who just can't get over the fact that the MTV people are here and starts waving at the camera until she gets yelled at. Then she says something about MTV that makes the cast crack up right before they're about to shoot. Catherine Hicks kind of sucks to work with. Apparently, Brenda comes on the set to put an end to Hicks's reign of distraction, because they actually get to shoot the scene. RevCam decides get closer to the Matt make-out action, for RevCam is a creepy and horrible father. And then the rest of the family eagerly asks to go with him. They finish the shot with RevCam taking one last long look out the window at his adult son getting some action.
MoO. Now we get to check out the wardrobe department. Beverley, obviously paid off by Brenda, raves about how great her clothes are. She says that Lucy has the best wardrobe on the show, and I really can't disagree, seeing as how everyone wears some really terrible stuff. Beverley leads us through the Juniors section of JC Penney and -- oh, my bad, we're still looking at Lucy's wardrobe. Then there's a little scene where Beverley expresses her disgust for Mary's "boyish" clothes. Biel then shows us her outfit for the day, which doesn't look that boyish to me but certainly is unattractive. Hey, at least it isn't a sailor top, okay? Count your blessings.
MoO. They're just coming quicker and quicker, folks. Soon I won't have enough time to recover from the last flash of disjointed images before the one comes, and I will have a seizure. Which will be more fun, and definitely more entertaining, than this show. Now we get an intimate look inside Biel and Beverley's trailers, which I have to say is my favorite part of the show, because it makes Biel look really lazy and uninteresting. We start off with Biel's trailer, which is marked by a crudely-drawn sign that says "Mary." Beverley, meanwhile, has a nice professional-looking sign for her trailer. Biel's trailer has nothing in it but Halloween candy; Beverley has wallpaper, couches, bottled water, and a note on her wall in which she is addressed as "Bev." Yeah, I guess there really is no way to make a name like "Beverley" sound better. Nice try, though. Biel seems ashamed at her inability to put anything personal in her trailer, as well she should be. She knew the cameras were coming; she could have at least hung a picture. Then Biel and Bev both talk about how their bathrooms are too small and they never use the shower. I wonder how they stay clean, then. Bev shows us her calendar, but I don't really care about that.
MoO. We get to see a taping of another scene, in which Mary and Lucy make fun of Matt. Then Biel informs us that she doesn't actually know what's going on in the scene, because she hasn't read the script. And they wanted to bring her back on the show…why? How can she possibly do the scene convincingly if she hasn't read the script? Even more confusing, how can she say her lines if she doesn't know what they are? The wonders of television! Barry Watson, obviously annoyed at his co-star's complete lack of professionalism, gives her a borderline abusive whack on the ass. Biel looks less than thrilled. Barry further endears himself to the television audience by stating that Biel and Bev still have crushes on him. Bev responds by pretending to moon over him, which was pretty funny, and Biel responds with a smart-ass remark that is more "ass" than "smart." There is further discussion of whether or not Bev and Biel have crushes on Barry, but I am unable to pay attention to any of it because I just realized that MTV is playing cheesy porno music in the background. Don't they have, like, a catalogue of millions of songs to choose from? This is the best they can do? Biel and Bev wrap up their scene for the week and leave, but choose to further irritate me with a reading of a poem they wrote for MTV. It is as follows:
The MTV Poem
by B. Mitchell and J. Biel
Thank you MTV,
For coming to our set,
And all the stuff we forgot to say,
We really do regret.
We think you're super funky,
And super super sweet,
And super super super super,
Super duper neat.
Biel insists that she won't quit her day job, which I don't think is such a good idea, since her poem was better than her acting. We go to commercial, with a teaser telling us to stay tuned so we can see Richard Lewis. I think a better selling point would be if they promised us we will not see Richard Lewis if we stay tuned.
MoO. We get to see some film equipment, and then Gallagher introduces the scene we are about to see. Sadly, this moment of appropriate professionalism is ruined by Barry Watson, who tries to be cool by swearing, but instead draws a confused look from Gallagher. The laughs you hear, Barry? At you, not with you. They tape the scene, and then Barry gives us a few contradicting statements about how he'll miss people when he leaves, but how he also really wants to leave, but how it will be hard to leave, but how he also needs to leave. Barry then exits the scene and swears at the camera and laughs at his funny joke. Again. Barry and Gallagher leave for the day, and exchange a rather awkward handshake.
MoO announces that we are going to see "the Love Interest." And then Barry introduces us to his "partner in crime," Ron Zimmerman. Ah, so the long-awaited coming-out episode of 7H is here at last? No, Matt will just be asking Ron's character for advice about how to get married, and to whom. Are they trying to make Matt into the comic-strip character "Cathy" or something? What is with his obsession with getting married? I know tons of guys his age and none of them are like this. In fact, they are very much the opposite. And now we are introduced to Sarah Madison, who will be playing "the Love Interest." And it would seem that Brenda, who was so intent upon having a Muslim actor play a Muslim character, does not care so much if Jewish actors play Jewish characters. Unless "Madison" is a Jewish name I've never heard before. Three cheers for Brenda Hampton and her remarkable consistency! That cheesy porno music is still going on as the scene begins, and Ron Zimmerman "acts." Barry tells us that he is nothing like Matt. I don't know about that; the way Barry was going on about how all the ladies on the 7H set have crushes on him sounded pretty Matt-like to me. I guess the real qualification for true Mattitude is whether or not Barry stalks women. Barry then basically admits that he sucks at acting and can't relate to the character he has been portraying for the past six years now. This is getting depressing. The Love Interest walks in and has a scene with Barry. She's as good as any other 7H guest star, which is to say, she's pretty terrible. If someone ever gives me a television show to run, I'll be sure not to hire whoever does the casting for this show. I wouldn't even hire anyone who's had so much as a conversation with 7H's casting director, for fear that extremely bad casting decisions might prove contagious.
MoO. MTV has certainly saved the best for last here, as we get to see Richard Lewis in all his glory. Quite the casting coup there, 7H. You guys must have patted yourselves on the back even harder than when you got Tracey Nelson to be on the show! Richard Lewis does his unfunny shtick, and no one in America laughs. Some lady who looks like Sissy Spacek says she's playing Sarah's mom. Perhaps the casting director thought that someone who looked like a good actress would automatically also be a good actress. I will bet you twenty dollars that they're wrong. Anyway, they tape the scene, and it's all creepy because it's supposed to be Matt and Sarah's first date but her parents are going on and on about how they don't want them to get married. I wonder if my Jewish mother's parents acted like this when she married a Roman Catholic guy from England. I will place another twenty-dollar bet that says they did not. The scene, and I guess the show, wraps, and everyone cheers. I'm just so sure that they do that when the MTV cameras aren't around. Yep. Barry thanks us for stopping by, and then says to catch the episode "whenever the hell it airs." Quite the ringing endorsement from Mr. Watson. Enjoy your future non-career in movies, and we'll be seeing you back on the show in about two seasons.