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Hi! Welcome to the recap of what just may be the most stupid and offensive episode of 7th Heaven ever! The story opens with Dopey in his frilly bedroom, avidly poring through an issue of Brides magazine. Oddly enough, he looks pretty natural doing it. Robbie comes in and laughs uproariously at him, wanting to know if he's looking for a bride. Dopey finally admits that he is, which has to be one of the weirder things I've ever heard. After all, the year is not 1860. Still, Matt declares his intention of marrying the woman he dates. In that case, I can only hope that his date is a psychotic mime who likes to spend thousands a month on psychic hotlines. And high-grade heroin, of course. Hey, he made a promise! Right? Robbie isn't exactly awestruck by Matt's ridiculous plan, and he says, "It just seems odd to me that this is the thing you've chosen to worry about." So true. You'd hope Dopey would be worrying more about how awful his hair is, or about the fact that he's turned into such a creepy patriarchal stalker. Instead, he's obsessed with getting married. It's kind of scary that Robbie is the voice of reason in this scene, as he very sensibly explains that Dopey is already taking on a lot by going to med school. I giggle, as I always do when anyone mentions the notion of Matt and medical school. Dopey treats Robbie to a story about how one of the women in his Brides magazine got her husband to propose to her. Robbie's about as underwhelmed by that as I am. He foreshadows the rest of the episode succinctly when he asks Dopey, "You're not going to go out and do anything stupid, are you?"
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster shows Dopey getting dressed, presumably for a date with the woman he will marry -- you know, since he made that vow and all. He experiences some technical difficulties buttoning up his shiny, shiny shirt, so he has to unbutton it and start again, thus giving us a good look at the girly gold medallion he's got nestled in that sexy mat of chest hair. Once I'm done retching for three hours, I turn the VCR back on and see Matt putting on a jacket. This is exciting stuff, Brenda! He goes to the dresser and takes out a hairbrush that looks like it's never been used. Big surprise there. Dopey picks up a mirror, looks at his reflection, and smiles as if he looks super-studly. He puts the hairbrush back down, unused. On behalf of everyone who's ever posted anything about Matt and his hair on our boards, I'd like to thank Brenda for the shout-out.
Out in the hallway, Annie wants to know if Dopey is heading out on a date. He says that he is, so Annie starts badgering him for info about this new girl. Then she tries to coerce him into bringing his date over to the CamPound so that she can grill her about her views on contraception, or examine her teeth, or whatever it is Annie's got in mind. I can't even remember how long I was dating Peeter before we ever arranged any parental meetings. Two years? Three?
In the kitchen, Dopey goes to the fridge and gets a bottle of water. The Camdens are always crying poor, yet they buy expensive bottled water? Why can't they just get a Brita filter like the rest of us poor folks? Dopey drinks his water while Mary and Lucy stare at him. Finally, he uncomfortably says, "What?" Mary asks, "Could we borrow your Brides magazine?" She and Lucy break out into the fakest laughter I've ever heard. Dopey stares them down before saying, "You could, but why would you need to?" He leaves, fake-laughing himself, but when he does it, it's actually funny. The girls look crestfallen, which fills me with disgust. They start speculating on whether Dopey will be married before he gets out of medical school, and Mary demonstrates her stupidity once again by saying, "It's not likely." Mary, that's absurd. Why, he'll be in his late twenties by then! Come to think of it, you better hurry up and get a husband yourself. After all, you're twenty already, and what self-respecting woman isn't married by the age of twenty? Come on! You're just not trying hard enough.
Dopey's in the backyard, taking out a loan from the Bank of Simon. He's a little chagrined because Simon has evidently just dispensed fifty one-dollar bills. Matt must think he'll look like a loser when he goes to pay for his date, as if the hair and the outfit and the personality -- and let's not forget the gold medallion -- wouldn't already have given that away. He complains that he doesn't have time to stop by the ATM, yet he has time to sit around and shoot the breeze with Simon? All right, whatever. After some prodding, Simon comes up with a couple of twenties. When Dopey walks off with all the money, Simon shouts after him, "You plan to spend ninety bucks on some chick you've never even gone out with before?" Relax, Simon. He's probably just planning to take her to a movie and buy her a small popcorn and some Milk Duds. That might be a close call with only ninety dollars, though. He might have to check in at the ATM after all. Oh, but Simon? I'm allowed to call woman "chicks." I'm not sure how I feel about you doing it. Simon adds, "You better marry her!" Har dee har har. Yes, he's been gossiping with other family members about Dopey and his Brides magazine, but since that's par for the course on this show, it hardly seems worth mentioning. We learn that Dopey picked up the magazine from the waiting room of the clinic instead of actually buying it. Does that make me respect him any more? What do you think?
I Really Do
“ I was freaked out enough when, right after seeing The Blair Witch Project, our car was stolen from the underground car park and there was nothing left but a pile of twigs that had never been there before. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do if I walked up to my car and saw Ruthie sitting in there in the dark. ”
Dopey continues to run the gauntlet of snoopy family members as he encounters Ruthie sitting in the driver's seat of the DopeMobile. Hey, I was freaked out enough when, right after seeing The Blair Witch Project, our car was stolen from the underground car park and there was nothing left but a pile of twigs that had never been there before. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do if I walked up to my car and saw Ruthie sitting in there in the dark. Yet, amazingly, Dopey does not scream bloody murder. He just submits to her nosy questioning about his date and whether or not the woman is marriage material (he's undecided). Ruthie reassures him that she hasn't told the CamRents about the Brides magazine, but that she did tell the twins. He shouldn't worry about that, though, since as Ruthie points out, the twins "can't communicate." Yeah, but that doesn't stop the writers from giving them lots of terrible lines just the same. Ruthie takes a turn at being the voice of reason when she warns Dopey, "Don't get married just to be getting married." Dopey spews some platitudes about not marrying a woman unless he's in love with her. But isn't that totally at odds with his brilliant plan to marry the woman he dates? Oh, even trying to contemplate the logistics of all this is giving me a colossal headache. Ruthie tells Dopey, "You worry me." Oddly enough, Matt feels the same way about her. Certainly, most people around here find Ruthie a little scary too, even though it's probably not because of what she refers to as her "brain and [her] good looks." Ruthie adds a warning for Matt not to do anything stupid, but I think we can be pretty sure that will fall on deaf ears. Before she lets him go, she tells him that his boss called and wants him to come in to work that evening. Dopey replies, with a straight face, "But I can't go in. I have a date!" I realize dating is a sacred activity to the CamDorks, but I'm not so sure his boss is going to see it the same way.
Oh, great, it's another super scene with RevCam and the twins! One could argue that they communicate better than Ruthie gives them credit for, because one of them says, "Matt marry." At least that's what the closed captioning indicates. RevCam seems to take it this way too, since he replies, "Matt marry? I don't think so." I'm not sure why RevCam would put this construction on it, instead of taking it as the more logical babbling of the twin's siblings' names: "Matt, Mary." Perhaps RevCam is extremely telepathic, though, since when the twin manages to say "bride book," Eric immediately supplies "Brides book," even though he has yet to see the magazine. The other twin helpfully hands the publication over to his father, who assumes it belongs to Lucy and Mary, since they "want to be brides." Twin One insists that it's Matt who wants to be the bride. He laughs, because he knows the image of Dopey in a bridal gown is a funny one.
When RevCam sees Ruthie walk by, he quickly abandons the boring twins, not even bothering to say goodnight to them. He starts quizzing Ruthie about the Brides magazine. Ruthie doesn't tell him anything, but Robbie walks up and wants to borrow the magazine himself. He explains that Dopey is looking for a bride, which RevCam seems to find worrisome, rather than just ludicrous. The three waste their time speculating on Dopey and his date instead of, you know, going out and finding lives, which is what they really should be doing.
“ Eric hesitates, until Ruthie informs him that the lovebirds are in Dopey's car. This galvanizes RevCam into action, and he rushes out the door. The DopeMobile is just pulling out into the street, so RevCam runs after it. I keep expecting him to speed up to a bionic man pace and catch the DopeMobile, but it doesn't happen. ”
Outside the CamPound, Plot Contrivance is upset because Dopey hasn't told his parents that she's Jewish. She decides it's because he doesn't think their relationship is going anywhere. Hey, if someone I were taking out started whining like that before the second date even gets off the ground, there would be no second date. Dopey puts a temporary stop to all the terrible dialogue when he starts making out with her, right there in front of the CamPound. He warns her that his entire family is probably spying on them from the CamPound.
Sure enough, he's right. There they all are at the window, not even bothering to be subtle about it. Annie wants RevCam to go, like, stalk them, before they "do something they may regret for the rest of their lives." Eric hesitates, until Ruthie informs him that the lovebirds are in Dopey's car. This galvanizes RevCam into action, and he rushes out the door. The DopeMobile is just pulling out into the street, so RevCam runs after it. I keep expecting him to speed up to a bionic man pace and catch the DopeMobile, but it doesn't happen. You'd think Dopey or Plot Contrivance might have noticed this crazy man trying to catch up with them, but "ability to see the obvious" must not be one of their idiot savant talents.
Great -- we're going to have to listen in on their date again. Now they're discussing politics, which tends to put me to sleep even when the speakers are intelligent and well-spoken. We learn that Dopey is a Republican. I don't have anything against Republicans, per se. In fact, I come from a family of Republicans, and even I am something of a fiscal conservative, albeit with hardcore liberal views on social issues. I'm guessing the main reason Dopey's Republican isn't because he likes -- or even understands -- their stand on economic issues, but because he loves how they back things like the Defense of Marriage Act. Plot Contrivance says she's a Democrat -- one who really would love to vote for Rumsfeld. Actually, she loves George Bush too. I'm beginning to think she's just about as knowledgeable about politics as she is about religion.
Some time has elapsed, and now the lovebirds are eating their burgers. Plot Contrivance is eating hers without a bun, so we can see it's a plain burger. Frankly, I was expecting Brenda to have her eating a cheeseburger. No, make that a bacon cheeseburger. The topic of discussion is baseball. Plot Contrivance lives for it; Dopey is ignorant -- about baseball, just about baseball, of course. He suggests that PC can teach him. In return, he will teach her about ironing. And stalking, of course. PC wants to get serious, so Dopey asks her if she could ever marry anyone who was not Jewish. She'd never considered it before, but since Dopey is so "considerate" and -- get this -- "passionate," she is now considering it. The main problem with the scenario appears to be that she's not sure she could "live with a Christmas tree." Right, and a Christmas tree has so much to do with Christianity. In fact, isn't it the most sacred of Christian symbols? Well, after Santa Claus, that is. Or maybe PC's just getting in a dig at Barry Watson's acting skills. Hey, he's not that bad! I think it's the guy who plays Jimmy Plywood that you're thinking of. Dopey tells a pointless story about how his family decorates their Christmas trees. Then he tells her he doesn't even need a tree, because he and Plot Contrivance have the ability to "share the gifts of love and life" with each other. PC pretends this is both original and beautiful enough to make her want to cry. Or maybe she just feels incredibly sad that she's wasting her time eating burgers with him when she could have been at home pushing back her cuticles.