The show opens with Eric and Annie sharing what just may be the least sexy kiss in the history of television. Writers, please! Don't you know you're supposed to lead off the show with something that will make viewers want to keep watching? I'd have thought that would be pretty basic. The CamRents come up for air, then close their mouths again and mash their lip areas together some more. Annie says she has a special Valentine's Day surprise for RevCam. He asks if the surprise is better than her kisses. Annie says it is, which really leaves the field wide open. I mean, surely reading junk mail is more exciting than Annie's kisses.
Mary's getting in her daily quota of eavesdropping by standing outside Robbie's door and listening to him ask directions to some hotel over the phone. Then he calls Joy and tells her he's taking her somewhere "very special." This makes Mary so angry that she starts talking to herself, right there outside Robbie's door. She says, "A hotel? I knew it. Some things never change." You'd think Robbie would hear her and come out to tell her to get lost and mind her own business, but he doesn't. Mary looks dreadfully upset that someone may be contemplating engaging in an activity as icky as sex.
I'm a little disappointed to see that in the Opening Credits Timewaster, Joy is listed only by her name. There's no mention of her status as an "international pop sensation." I'm more than a little disappointed to see that many other familiar names show up in the credits, including that of the actor who plays Chickenhead. What's even more frightening, however, is what's happening onscreen. RevCam is in his church office reading and taking notes. Sounds innocuous enough, until you catch the titles of some of the books: 214 Ways to Say I Love You, Passionate Marriage, and Kosher Sex. That last one has an extra-large number of Post-It notes stuck to it. RevCam leans back to read in earnest. He looks bewildered and shocked. I can't know what's in any of these books, but from his facial expressions, it looks like RevCam is learning that there can be more to sex than just doing it missionary-style, in bed, on Saturday night, with the lights turned out. Sad that it took him seven kids and twenty-some-odd years to figure that one out. Hey, how come he's not reading any of Stephen Collins's erotic thrillers?
In the girls' room, Lucy is trying to make Ruthie get up and go to school, but Ruthie claims she's sick. Mary interrupts and orders Ruthie to leave the room so that she can talk to Lucy alone. Ruthie departs sullenly, and Lucy points out how rude Mary is. Mary either doesn't care or doesn't understand what "rude" means. She further proves her lack of manners by ignoring Lucy's comment and freaking out because she thinks she knows what Robbie's VD "surprise" is for Joy. I can't say Lucy looks particularly interested. Join the club, girl.
Simon is at his school locker, being checked out by some blonde girl. She introduces herself as Maria Davis, and Simon expresses his surprise that a popular senior like her would be speaking to him. Oddly enough, that's not a total turn-off for Maria. She asks him if he's going to the VD dance, and he has to tell her he's "grounded for life." That still doesn't turn her off, and she asks if she can hang out with him while he babysits the twins. She's handily already written out her phone number on a piece of paper, which she hands to Simon, telling him to call her. You know, I just noticed that Simon's hair is looking a little closer in hue to his eyebrows. Or maybe he's been experimenting with Dopey's hair-greasification products again.
Back at the CamPound, Mary confronts Robbie about what she overheard him discussing on the phone. I guess a few weeks away have given Robbie a new perspective on stalking, because he expresses disgust that she's been eavesdropping on his phone conversations. So does that mean it's possible to deprogram a Camden in just two weeks? Well, maybe not a real Camden. Sometimes I forget that Robbie didn't grow up in the CamPound. Mary is a biological Camden, though, and she brushes off his comments in favor of meddling in his business some more. The shock and dismay she expresses over the idea of Robbie taking Joy to a hotel room seems totally out of proportion with the fact that Joy and Robbie are both over the age of eighteen and thus can legally have just as much sex as they damn well please. Mary just doesn't get it. She tries to shame Robbie by saying, "You cannot go through with what you're planning for tonight. It's wrong and you know it!" Robbie doesn't look too ashamed, though. He accuses Mary of being jealous, which she denies. He twists the knife some more by telling her, "Joy's my future; you're my past." Then he gets into his old, fugly car and drives away while Jessica Biel struggles valiantly to make Mary look upset. The results come off as sort of her usual vacuous stare, though.
Annie is in the CamKitchen with Ruthie and the twins, trying to find out why Ruthie didn't want to go to school. Ruthie opens her mouth to issue what will surely be an utterly fascinating reply when the phone rings. Annie answers to hear RevCam trying to sound sexy while asking, "What are you wearing?" Good golly, does he honestly think she's cavorting through the CamKitchen in a push-up bra and crotchless panties while decorating the twins' birthday cake? It looks like he's picked up this nauseating conversational gambit from a book called The Art of Fantasy. This one only has a few Post-It notes in it, thank God. Obviously Annie's never read this fine tome, since she hasn't the foggiest notion what's going on. Even Ruthie seems to understand, since she starts rolling her eyes when Annie makes statements like, "I'm wearing my clothes," but Annie still doesn't have a clue. She says she doesn't want to take off her sweater because she's cold, and then asks RevCam if he's okay because he sounds "strange." He says he's sick -- make that "lovesick" -- for her. Ugh, that's the worst yet. If these really are ideas he picked up from a book, I can't say I'll be rushing out to buy The Art of Fantasy any time soon. Ruthie sighs in revulsion and leaves, but RevCam's finally given up with his totally lame attempt at phone sex. Now he just wants to know what Annie's big VD surprise is, but she blithely tells him, "You'll have to wait," before hanging up on him. She calls up to Ruthie, asking, "Don't you want to talk?" Ruthie gets in one of her better lines when she disgustedly shouts down, "Not anymore." I think the only thing that could have made this scene funnier would have been if Annie were wearing her stupid sailor top, and had flirtatiously told RevCam so.
RevCam hangs up the phone, looking inordinately pleased with himself -- at least until he sees Dopey grinning at him from the doorway. Now, that's just gross. I keep expecting Matt to say, "Way to go, Dad! So you're gonna nail Mom tonight, huh?" For some reason, Dopey doesn't seem to find the situation as weird as I do, or maybe he's just really selfish, since he briefly laughs at Eric and then starts talking about his own stupid problems. He does, however, request that RevCam not answer his questions in his "sexy voice." Heh. Dopey wants to know why he's broken up with all his ex-girlfriends. Why he's asking RevCam this is something of a mystery, but at least Eric is polite enough not to tell Dopey that his relationships probably never work because he's a boring, uptight loser. RevCam offers a justification, albeit a lame one, for the upcoming guest appearances of all Dopey's exes when he suggests that Dopey start contacting them. Stellar advice, Eric. I'm sure your son's not going to look totally pathetic spending his Valentine's Day calling up all his ex-girlfriends.
Speaking of exes -- and totally contrived plotlines -- Lucy is surprised to find Jeremy at her school. He explains that since he had a few days off, he came to visit a friend in the music department. Lucy repeats that back to him incredulously, as though even she has trouble believing that the writers would come up with something that stupid. I seem to remember him asking for his crappy engagement ring back because he was short on cash, yet now he can afford to fly across the country for a few days? He busts out the ring in question, saying something about "unfinished business." This really freaks Lucy out, and she starts rambling about how she wishes he wouldn't do this to her on Valentine's Day -- you know, the most sacred of church holidays in the CamWorld -- especially since she doesn't even have a date. Quel horreur! However, it turns out that Jeremy is not even proposing; he's just showing her the ring and then staring at her while she natters on about not wanting to get back together with him. Cutting her off mid-natter would have been the kind thing to do, but he seems to be enjoying her discomfiture, only finally telling her that he's returning the ring to the jeweler he bought it from. Like he couldn't have found anyone to buy the ring in New York. Lucy seems embarrassed now, even though the way he was showing her the ring did make it look a little like a proposal, albeit a lame one. I can't say that stringing Lucy along like that makes Jeremy a very nice person, but it does make me like him a little more. Lucy evidently has no problem with the way he just humiliated her, or maybe the prospect of being dateless on Valentine's Day is just too horrific to imagine, since she asks Jeremy out. It's time for Humiliation: The Sequel as Jeremy turns her down, saying that he's meeting a friend at the pool hall, and he doesn't think she'll "be comfortable with this particular friend." Oddly enough, he winks as he says this, though since that makes no sense whatsoever, maybe it's just a facial tic. With a glib "See ya around," he leaves.
Mary is still on her Stop Sex! crusade. She meets Joy at the pizza place and starts leading up to divulging Robbie's big VD surprise by saying, "I probably shouldn't tell what I'm going to tell you, but I was in the same position you were in just two years ago, and it would have been really nice if someone had told me what I'm going to tell you." Instead of waiting for her to continue, Joy rudely replies, "Sorry, you're making absolutely no sense, which I have to say Robbie says you do a lot." Man, what a bitch! If I were Mary (God forbid), I'd just walk on out of there right now, but an apparent side effect of Mary's great rudeness is that she is impervious to other people's impoliteness as well, so she melodramatically continues, "Robbie's planning to take you to a hotel. He's going to try to sleep with you!" Oh, no! Holy shit! For the love of God, somebody please stop him before he schtups again! Because Joy's acting abilities leave so much to be desired, it's hard to tell whether she finds the hotel prospect enticing or scary. Maybe if Robbie throws in a little phone sex from one of RevCam's books, it'll tip the balance for her.
Back at the CamPound, everyone's just going through the motions at the twins' obligatory birthday party. What's especially weird is that after the kids blow out the candles on their cake, Annie doesn't even serve the cake. She just tells everyone to leave because she has a date. She makes it clear who her date is by treating RevCam to another "passionate" kiss right in front of everybody. It's pretty funny that everyone else looks about as revolted as I do by this. Mary expresses surprise that Joy is still going out with Robbie. I guess her Stop Sex! campaign is about as effective as any other abstinence program. Robbie triumphantly tells her that her antics have brought him and Joy even closer together. Mary looks distraught, but she doesn't have the opportunity to meddle any more, since Lucy grabs her arm and says they're going out.
After everyone else has made their escape, Simon begs his parents to allow Maria to come over and help him babysit, even though he's grounded. Anxious to get to their date, the CamRents agree, although they warn him to keep things "parentally guided" with her. Does that mean he's supposed to mash his closed mouth clumsily against Maria's? No, actually, it means "no making out," which is a little confusing, considering all the snogging the CamRents have been doing today.
Simon leaves happily with the twins, and Dopey comes in to let his parents know he's going out. Annie joyfully inquires if he has a date. Hey, what would Valentine's Day be without a date, right? Dopey claims to have "a date with destiny." How lucky for destiny. After Dopey leaves, the CamRents speculate on his love life (or lack thereof). RevCam is still wearing his dorky party hat. Maybe Annie told him to keep it on because she's aroused by the idea of bedding a clown. Hey, as RevCam says, "It's Valentine's Day. Anything's possible." Before Annie can leave to change for their date, RevCam tells her to meet him in the backyard. Why? Because he's got "a little surprise" for her, too. As he says this, he pulls his party hat up and lets it slam back down on his head in a way that seems vaguely sexual, though I couldn't tell you how exactly, since I'd rather eat broken glass than contemplate it further. Annie looks up at him flirtatiously, which furthers my suspicion that she finds his party hat attractive. To each her own, I suppose.
As Dopey walks out the back door, Ruthie accosts him, wanting to "talk." Selfish Dopey doesn't have time for her; he has to find Cheryl. Hey, that's what family values are all about, you know? RevCam is willing to talk to Ruthie, though he asks her to help him set up for his date with Annie while they're doing it. This makes Ruthie freak out and go on a diatribe about Valentine's Day and how much she hates it. She storms off, telling RevCam, "Don't follow me." Anxious to get to his date, RevCam takes her at her word.
Even though Lucy never mentioned the Camden code word for stalking -- "ice cream" -- stalking is obviously what she has in mind, since she drags Mary down to the pool hall to spy on Jeremy. Great plan, Lucy. When Mary points out that Jeremy may see her spying on him, Lucy replies, "I'm stealth. I'm a cat. He won't even see me." Sure enough, Jeremy walks over and asks what's she's doing at the pool hall. Anyone stupid enough to concoct such an insane spying plan in the first place is certainly stupid enough to compound its failure by telling Jeremy that she and Mary are waiting for their dates, and that's just what Lucy does. She pushes Mary off to go find their nonexistent dates and then accepts Jeremy's invitation to join him at his table.
The parade of loathsome exes continues as Lucy sees that Jeremy's companion is vile Mike, that sexist, manipulative jerk that Lucy used to date. It would have been great if Jeremy and Mike were dating each other, but they're just waiting for Mike's girlfriend and her friend, whom Mike set up with Jeremy. Are you following all this? Do you even care?
The dates arrive (Mike and Jeremy's real dates, that is), and Mike makes the introductions. The girls are both about three feet taller than Lucy, and I think they're made up to look glamorous and sophisticated -- or at least what passes for glamour on this show. Personally, I think they look a little skanky and mall-ratty. Mike's date displays her alleged sophistication by acting bitchy and dismissive toward Lucy, which almost endears her to me.
Simon's date arrives and immediately starts making out with him wildly. The idea that Simon could inspire this much ardor in anyone made me and my husband laugh so hard that I didn't hear any of their dialogue. Not that it looks like there was much dialogue. I'm so glad to see that Maria has continued the tradition of wearing red to celebrate Valentine's Day. And here I was thinking that tradition had died out around junior high.
So what, exactly, was RevCam's big VD surprise for Annie? Well, in the backyard, he's brought out a bottle of wine, a couple of wineglasses, some candles, and a really ugly floral display comprised of some roses in a watering can. He leads Annie out to it blindfolded, just so he can build up her hopes more and then increase the disappointment when she actually sees it. Alas, there are no party hats to brighten the mood either. At first, Annie tries to be polite and praise him for it, but since she also calls it "pathetic," her compliments don't exactly sound sincere.
So what's Annie's big VD surprise for RevCam? Well, she's started hormone replacement therapy. RevCam makes the mistake of thinking that she did this for him. Hey, it's a little insensitive, but considering that Annie has been referring to this as a big Valentine's surprise all day, I think it's sort of understandable. In any case, he attempts a fairly decent save, but it's not good enough for Cruella, who twists up her face and glares at Eric mutinously. Finally, she pours a glass of wine over his head and gets up to leave. Hey, Annie, can I have the number for your physician? Obviously, this doctor is a miracle worker. Maybe her doctor should have picked up the January 22nd issue of Woman's World like I did. (Hey, quit looking at me like that! I don't regularly buy it. I just wanted to know how to germ-proof myself!) Anyway, according to studies at the University of Pittsburgh, drinking three to six beers a week boosts estrogen levels by as much as twenty per cent -- about the same as hormone therapy. I'd find that a little scary if I were a guy, but I think the 7th Heaven writers should make use of this. If you do the math, you'll realize that six beers per week works out to…that's right, about half a beer per day! Spooky, huh?
RevCam chases Annie into the house. He's about to follow her up the stairs when he's distracted by Simon and Maria, who are making out on the living room couch while the twins look on with interest. Eric doesn't break up the happy couple, even though it looks like they're mere seconds away from having sex. He just covers the twins' eyes and leads them out of the room. You can bet that if this were one of his over-eighteen daughters, he'd have put a stop to it.
Dopey shows up on Cheryl's doorstep, to a not-so-warm reception. It's obvious Cheryl has a date over -- presumably one who is willing to have sex with her. She's also decked out in red for Valentine's Day. Aw, that's so cute. Obviously feeling sorry for Matt, she deigns to talk to him for a few minutes as he pathetically asks her why they're not together anymore. She's smooth enough not to be drawn into a pointless discussion, especially when he asks her who the right girl is for him. What a bizarre thing to ask your ex-girlfriend! She gives him a pity kiss on the cheek and returns to her surely-much-more-exciting new boyfriend.
Back at the pool hall, Mary is ordering a soda at the bar when she sees her friend Cory walk down the stairs. Mary tells her how great it is to see her. Cory guiltily says, "When you find out who I'm here with, you might not be so happy to see me." Oh, whoever could it be? Try to think of the least original thing the writers could do here, and I'm sure you'll figure out the answer. Why, it's Wilson, of course! Mary says, "What the --" but has to stop herself, because this is a G-rated show. Wilson puts an arm around Cory and monotones, "Hi, Mary."
Robbie shows up at Joy's with a big bouquet of roses. He says he had to go to three different florist shops to find them. What a productive use of time and money, especially since Joy just tosses them on the couch and pulls Robbie down for some making out. At least she didn't pull him down onto that dreadful yellow floral chair that looks like a closeout special from the worst furniture store in the universe. Like everyone else, Joy has a big VD surprise for her guy: They're all alone in the house for the night. This makes Robbie very nervous. Joy explains that she's not sure she wants to be with Robbie "like that." Because she screws up her face in distaste, I'm assuming she's talking about the ickiness that is sex. She confusingly adds that she is ready to be "more serious" with him, whatever the hell that means. And I'm really not sure why they need to have the house empty either, if they're not going to be having evil sex. She completes the confusion by adding that since they have the house to themselves, they should just "see what happens." Good idea. And here's another one. Maybe they could put on party hats and pretend they're clowns. Hey, it works for the CamRents. By the way, it looks like Joy's blouse may have been quite attractive before it got all torn up in the wash.
Back at the pool hall, slack-jawed Wilson is explaining to Mary that he got laid off from his annual report-compiling job. Unable to afford any cubic-zirconium-encrusted ties, he moved back to Glenoak to work for his father. Cory gets my vote for Dumb-Ass Of The Year when she keeps enthusing about how well little Billy gets along with her daughter. I remember now: Cory is that friend Mary stuck up for a couple years ago when people were dissing her for being a single mother. Mary asks how the two single parents ended up together. I could see them meeting up at a PTA meeting or something, but since this show's core audience is gullible enough to accept, well, just about anything the writers come up with, no matter how moronic, it's almost like Brenda's mocking them by having Cory say that she and Wilson met on a flight to Glenoak. I'm sure that means a flight from "New York" to Glenoak. What else could it be? See, Cory's still in school "back east," and she's just here because…oh, does anyone really care why she's here? No, I didn't think so. She and Wilson get all sappy, right in front of Mary, who gets up and walks away.
On the other side of the pool hall, everyone's ganging up on Lucy, guessing that she doesn't really have a date. Isn't that the ultimate insult in Glenoak -- accusing someone of not having a date on Valentine's Day? Lucy tells the girls to go back to discussing their "blowjob techniques," except that she may have said "blow-dry techniques" instead. It erupts into a full-blown argument between Jeremy and Lucy, notable only for the fact that he calls her "psychotic." After Lucy storms off, Jeremy's date comments, "She really is psychotic." Even Mike raises his eyebrows in seeming agreement.
Mary is admiring herself in the bathroom mirror. You know, the last time I saw her posing in front of mirrors in a restroom, it was in the pages of Gear magazine. I was checking it out in the Chapters bookstore near my dentist's office, and my entire face was totally Novocained. I just kept hoping I wouldn't start drooling. That would have been far more embarrassing than anything that's happened to Lucy and Mary so far. Lucy tells her sister that Mike's and Jeremy's dates are "supermodels." Riiight. I'm sure Glenoak is just teeming with supermodels. Mary suggests leaving, but Lucy won't go until Jeremy and Mike do, since then Jeremy will know she doesn't have a date. Uh, Lucy, I thought we'd established that he already knows that. He'd have to have the intelligence of, say, Mary not to have figured it out by now.
Back at Joy's house, she knocks on the door to the bathroom, wondering what's taking Robbie so long. Maybe he's been looking for Vaseline to put on a condom? No, he's just playing with the taps on the sink. My three-year-old nephew likes to do that too. When Robbie finally emerges, he tries to explain to Joy that he wasn't planning on having sex with her. Okay, fine, she wasn't planning on having sex with him either, so where's the problem? Her suggestion is that they spend the evening in her room, making out. At least Robbie displays a degree of wisdom here when he says that if they make out, he doesn't trust himself to stop at just that. Thank you, writers, for finally addressing why it's so unlikely for the CamKids to engage in all sorts of petting and yet still be virgins! Is it physically possible to have a negative IQ? If so, Joy has one, because she starts berating Robbie for loving his ex-girlfriends more than he loves her. Why? Because he tried to get down their, er, hot pants and he won't sleep with her. Joy storms into the bathroom -- to play with the taps, I assume -- while Robbie waits forlornly outside the door.
In the CamKitchen, RevCam and Simon give each other updates on their Valentine's adventures. RevCam? Annie has locked him out of the bedroom. And Simon? Well, as he points out, Maria is "an animal." While it's true that we are all mammals (with the possible exception of Ed Begley, Jr.), I have a feeling that the term isn't exactly being used in the most flattering way by Simon. Not that RevCam sees fit to tell him to respect women or anything. No, he has to get back to groveling before Cruella.
As RevCam leaves, Ruthie comes into the kitchen and starts regaling Simon with her problems. It all amounts to her friend Kim playing a joke on her by daring her to ask some boy named Frank to Kim's VD party. The boy said yes, but then later told Ruthie he was going to the party with Kim. And this is funny…how? Ruthie is too embarrassed to go to the party alone, and yet she's not embarrassed to be wearing a striped t-shirt with a plaid shirt on top of it? She's afraid Kim is going to figure out that she wasn't really sick. I don't know, but if that whole "joke" that Kim concocted with Frank is anything to go by, I'm not sure Kim is bright enough to tie her own shoes, let alone figure out that Ruthie was faking her illness. Ruthie leaves, and Maria comes in. Simon tells her Ruthie's sad, sad story, and Maria saves the day by pimping out her little brother Jake as a party date for Ruthie. Wow, that must be the quickest resolution of a plotline ever! And one of the most absurd.
Dopey is parked on the street in his bitchin' Camaro when an older woman knocks on his window. She's a little masculine-looking, which makes me wonder if Matt is trolling for transvestite hookers. Oops! It's Heather's mom, and she wants to know why Dopey is parked outside her house. It turns out he's done this sort of thing before. Well, color me surprised! What's even funnier is that the last time we saw Heather, she wasn't even living in her mom's house anymore; she was in an apartment. The mom tries telling Dopey firmly to move on with his life, but Dopey just whines some more. The mom has to remind him that Heather moved to New York in December, but even that doesn't put him off as he begs for her number.
Back at Joy's house, Robbie is trying to get romantic through the bathroom door. He's telling Joy all sorts of stuff about how he doesn't want to bang her until they're married. Trust me, it's dull -- so dull, in fact, that I'm surprised the butler, who's been eavesdropping, hasn't fallen asleep by now. He announces his presence, and then orders Joy to come out of the bathroom. She complies, which probably tells you everything you need to know about her status in this household.
Kim's prepared for her party by decorating the living room with as much VD crap as she can possibly fit on the walls. She herself is resplendent in a fugly white t-shirt with a giant lipstick kiss on it and a dorky little red ribbon tied around her neck. When Ruthie and Simon walk in, Kim and Frank go right over to taunt Ruthie for showing up with her brother. I'm not sure how Kim could hope to embarrass anyone else, dressed as she is. Just then, Maria and Jake walk in. Jake looks a bit like a cross between a kid's idea of Prince Charming and a young Shaun Cassidy, complete with feathered hair. He doesn't look thrilled to admit he's with Ruthie, but then he does ask her to dance. I wonder how much his sister is paying him for this. Plenty, I'd imagine. Kim tries to stop Jake and Ruthie from dancing, but Jake won't be swayed. He leads Ruthie out onto the dance floor, while Kim keeps shouting after them that this "is not a dance!" Maria demonstrates that she's rude enough to be a Camden when she tells Kim, "Like we care what you think," before leading Simon out onto the dance floor. Okay, Maria, I understand that Kim needs to be put in her place, but you are in her house, enjoying her party decorations and whatever else she's got going on at her party, so maybe you could either refrain from insulting your hostess, or just leave. Because I've given up expecting to see even a hint of reality anywhere in tonight's show, I'm barely surprised when the rest of the partygoers laugh at Kim and then all get up and start dancing too. Yes, folks, all these eleven-year-old kids really wanted to do was dance with each other, but they were too afraid to until a high school senior had the balls to tell off the eleven-year-old hostess who was keeping them off the dance floor. It's so saccharine, yet somehow distasteful at the same time.
At the pool hall, the music is a little better, but the scene is just as cutesy, as we get to see everyone dancing with their dates. This includes little Billy and Cory's daughter. I know -- gack. Mary and Lucy walk out to the edge of the dance floor. I don't know if they're with their imaginary dates or not, since I think imaginary dates are probably invisible. Mary says one of the only intentionally funny things I've ever heard her say when she tells Lucy, "If you ask me to dance, I'm gonna kill you." Watching all the exes dancing, Lucy states the obvious when she remarks, "I really think leaving us is the best thing that ever happened to these guys. Look how happy they are!" Mary says, "And look how miserable we are." I assume she means because they're dateless for VD, although I think she's missing the bigger picture by ignoring how sad it is that they are still spying on their exes while standing, totally obviously, about ten feet away from them. Before the girls leave, we get final glimpses of Wilson and Jeremy. I'd like to think that these really are the final glimpses we'll catch of these guys, but I'm sure they'll be back again in a few weeks.
At Joy's house, Robbie is shaking hands with the butler, who tells Joy, "Mr. Palmer and I have come to an agreement. He will keep his hands off you, and I will not have him killed." Dang, that's too bad. The butler even agrees to let Robbie take Joy out for the big VD surprise, provided she doesn't, you know, give him her flower or anything. Robbie says he'll have her back in a couple of hours. I'm sure that after all that incessant making out, if he were really planning on having sex with her now, he could probably have her home in five minutes.
Dopey is in the Hello Kitty room, calling someone. That someone turns out to be Chickenhead. Dopey seems surprised that it's her, and she asks him why he keeps calling and hanging up on her. He looks embarrassed, and not just because he's sitting under a giant poster of Tweety Bird. He asks Chickenhead his stock question: "Why did we break up?" She tells him it's because she fell in love with Brett. It should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with the CamVerse that she's now engaged to Brett. Yeah, whatever. Dopey admits that he was trying to call Heather, and Shana informs him that Heather lives with her and Brett now. Don't you Glenoak people ever get out and meet anyone new? Heather can't come to the phone since she's out on a date, so it's up to Chickenhead to do her best to encourage Dopey to let go of the past. She tells him, "The great love of your life is out there, somewhere, just waiting for you to find her." Oh, hello, Foreshadowing. Welcome to the party. Hope your Valentine's Day didn't suck as much as the plotlines on this show. After hanging up the phone, Dopey's still pretty dejected -- until he looks over at a plush Hello Kitty toy. He picks her up and says, "As Kitty is my witness, I will never have another Valentine's Day like this again." You mean one where you end the night hugging a Hello Kitty doll on your bed? I know the show is G-rated so they can't show anything explicit, but I think the writers have implied what's going to happen when the camera moves away.
RevCam's moping at the kitchen table when Annie comes downstairs. Has she come down to castrate him? Actually, I think it's pretty obvious by this point that he doesn't have any balls anymore. Imagine my surprise when Annie starts to apologize to him for having treated him so badly since she hit menopause. She says she was really angry at herself, not him, though that doesn't exactly explain why she dumped wine on his head earlier. They decide to make a new start, sealing the pact with some more super-romantic lip-mashing.
And finally, Robbie's stupendous VD surprise can be revealed. He's taking Joy to a hotel to visit his mother, who's staying there. Expect future annoying plotlines involving Robbie's mom's health, since she's in town for the night to pick up some medical records. But let's not worry about that now. Let's just revel in Joy's and Robbie's beautiful declarations of love for each other, delivered in monotones so stilted, they could give Jimmy Plywood a run for his money.