Drunk

By Cate

In honor of this episode's theme, I toyed with the idea of writing the recap while drunk. I've heard it can help. Unfortunately, it was only ten in the morning when I started, and even I don't feel like drinking at ten. In this case, though, that was probably a grave mistake. The show begins, annoyingly enough, with Simon walking through a high school hallway with his friend Morris, the guy who used to tease people lamely until Simon made him stop. Everyone who walks by Morris wants to touch him or give him a funny handshake. It's very strange. Simon obviously thinks it's sexy, though, and he asks Morris for his popularity secret. Morris politely suggests that lots of people know who Simon is too. Of course, that doesn't exactly equal popularity. Lots of people knew who Stalin was also. And Simon has an inkling of what people really think of him: "People know me as some school do-gooder: Saint Simon, son of a minister." Not happy with that rep, he says he wants people to like him because he's "wild, crazy, fun." Well, uh, good luck with that, Simon.

Two of Morris's cool friends come up to give him their own funny handshakes. One of them mentions that his parents will be out of town this weekend, which means "party, everybody party. Oh, yeah!" He geekily half-sings this last part, lending serious doubts to his alleged coolness. Morris adds to this impression by excitedly hooting, "I'm so in, I'm already there, woo!" Honestly, these can't be the cool kids. In my high school, they would have had their heads submerged in a toilet at least daily. I'm not saying that's a good thing to do to anyone, but in this case, I sort of wish someone at the Glenoak high school would revive the practice. Simon optimistically says he will be at the party also. This revelation is met with blank stares from Morris's friends. Morris introduces them as Tom and Mike, adding, to them, "And you know Simon." They sure do. Tom says, "You're that minister's kid." Simon looks crestfallen. Hey, at least Tom didn't say something like, "You're the son of that creepy guy who gives bad advice and stalks everyone." Now, that would be hard to live down. Mike suggests that Simon won't feel comfortable at his party since "it's not gonna be a religious affair." Tom laughs as though this were a good joke, or even a halfway decent one. After some coaxing, Mike does say that Simon can attend his party. Simon's excitement at this prospect is too pathetic to behold. I'm assuming that's why Tom and Mike have to vacate the hallway.

After saying goodbye to Simon, Morris rushes after his friends and worriedly tells them, "Simon Camden is not ready for one of your parties." Tom says, "Yeah, that's why it would be fun to have him." He and Mike laugh cretinously and walk away. Morris stares anxiously after them and sighs deeply, as if he's facing incalculable doom.

After saying goodbye to Simon, Morris rushes after his friends and worriedly tells them, "Simon Camden is not ready for one of your parties." Tom says, "Yeah, that's why it would be fun to have him." He and Mike laugh cretinously and walk away. Morris stares anxiously after them and sighs deeply, as if he's facing incalculable doom.

I see that Adam LaVorgna's not listed in the opening song. I guess Robbie's still, ahem, "visiting his mother in Florida." What's even weirder is that Stephen Collins and Catherine Hicks aren't listed in the credits either; nor is Barry Watson. I can only assume that this show is chock-full of so much spectacularly diverting entertainment that the producers had to shorten the opening song to accommodate it all.

That didn't stop them from letting the Opening Credits Timewaster drag on forever, though. Evidently, nobody put much effort into this one either, since it consists entirely of Dopey going through the mail and taking out a few envelopes to bring upstairs. Wow, can you feel the excitement?

Over in the CamKitchen, Annie is telling Simon that he can't attend the party of the millennium. She doesn't sympathize with his desperate need to fit in, not even when he claims, "High school is all about getting people to like you and finding a group and fitting in." Way to influence impressionable young viewers, Brenda.

Simon stomps off, leaving Annie to apply her stellar parenting skills to breaking up an argument between Lucy and Mary. Lucy is peeved that Mary has signed up for all the same classes she has. Wait a second. What kind of a school lets freshmen start classes in February? Well, if it's a school that would accept Mary as a student, it's either the Learning Annex or Crawford Clown College. Lucy accuses Mary of digging through her stuff and copying her class schedule. Mary just shrugs vacuously, too dumb even to attempt to lie her way out of this one. StuporMom tries to defuse the situation by pointing out that freshmen often take the same classes. Lucy finds it hard to believe that Mary would choose a class called "The Sacred Quest," and quite frankly, I agree with her, especially when Lucy describes the course as "an exploration into the spiritual roots of each student's life in the context of various religious traditions." All is explained when Mary notes, "The professor is a total babe." What a role model that Mary is! Annie too. Her idea of parenting is to suggest that the girls "should work this out." Thanks for nothing, SuperMoron. Lucy informs Mary that she can't go out with her and her new best friends, Jill and Barb, this evening. Mary claims that the friends invited her, but Lucy says that Mary invited herself. Hey, who do you believe? Mary sure knows how to manipulate her gullible mother. She turns to Annie and insincerely whines, "I don't wanna get mixed up with the wrong crowd again." StuporMom looks alarmed at that possibility, and basically orders Lucy to bring Mary out with her. When Lucy grunts in frustration and leaves, Annie smiles as if her excellent parenting has somehow saved the day.

Ruthie walks into her old Hello Kitty room, looking to retrieve a few pieces of HK merchandise. Dopey looks distracted. He must be really out of it if he's not even fighting Ruthie to keep his beloved Hello Kitty stuff. With an admirably straight face, Barry Watson explains that Dopey has just received letters from the admissions offices of Columbia University and NYU, but he's afraid to read them. He says that if he doesn't get into one of those schools, he's not sure he wants to be a doctor. Well, that's pretty elitist and stupid. I guess his commitment to healing people is about as strong as Mary's desire to be a firefighter -- which is to say, about as strong as my interest in watching the rest of this scene. Ruthie encourages him to read the letters. Since he won't, she offers to read them for him. When she's done, she tells him she's not sure he's "ready" to hear the news. She runs off with the letters, and another inane excuse for a subplot is born.

After Annie refused to let Simon go to the big party, he pulled that time-honored trick of finagling permission from RevCam behind her back. Annie orders Revvie to go upstairs and tell Simon that he's not allowed to attend the party. Eric hesitates. Annie asks him why he's not rushing to do her bidding. The way she flashes her eyes at him hints that Cruella is just waiting for an excuse to surface and kick his ass. Despite the warning signs, RevCam plows ahead and argues that they should allow Simon to attend the party. Annie accuses him of wishing he'd partied more in the past and wanting to relive his youth through Simon, while RevCam counters that Annie is being too restrictive because she partied too much. Amazingly, Annie caves in, though not without an attempt to lay a major guilt trip on Eric.

Simon is on the phone with Morris, who is trying to talk him out of attending the party, claiming Simon's not "ready" for it. After all, his friends are "pretty wild." Oh yeah? What do they do, exactly? Well, "they drink, they smoke, they --" What, Morris, what? Do they perform ritual human sacrifices? Throw "Brenda's Cookies" at oncoming cars from atop a bridge? Think that Sweet November is a good film? Whatever the crimes, they're too heinous to reveal on a G-rated show. Simon's assertion that Morris's friends are "really cool" makes me giggle. Finally, Morris agrees to give Simon Mike's address. Simon says his parents will only let him go if Morris brings him. Morris makes me like him more when he smirks and asks, "When did we start dating?" Nevertheless, he agrees to bring Simon to the party. Simon enthuses, "You get me into this party, I'll owe you for life." Be that as it may, Simon obviously doesn't feel indebted enough to actually say goodbye before he hangs up on Morris.

While Morris rushes off to buy a corsage, Simon stands up, looking pleased with himself. After all, he's got a date with hunky, popular Morris! We see that Dopey's been eavesdropping from the door. No surprise there. The Dopester tries to dissuade Simon from going to the party, arguing that he'll never be able to avoid giving in to peer pressure to drink or smoke. He agrees not to tell the CamRents about what he overheard, though. Simon thanks him by slamming the door in his face.

Out in the hall, Lucy and Mary walk by, still arguing over whether Mary can go out with Lucy's friends, while Dopey confronts Ruthie about his admissions letters. He asks if her refusal means that he got rejected by the schools. Ruthie replies, "No." His query, "So you're saying I did get in?" elicits a similar response. In frustration, Dopey asks, "So what are you saying?" Ruthie just talks some more about him not being "ready" to hear the news, but I suspect what she's really saying is that Matt hasn't had a decent plot in ages and that the writers are too lazy and unimaginative to come up with a real one, so they're going to drag this fakey one out over the course of the episode. The big problem with that, though, is that all the viewers already know Barry Watson's leaving after this season. That kind of brings the suspense level for this storyline down to zero. And really, is any viewer gullible enough to believe that Dopey would ever get into a school like Columbia or NYU? Actually, I was half-expecting the writers to have Matt try to get in somewhere that doesn't even have its own med school. Hey, why let facts interfere with the story?

Ruthie leaves, and Dopey confronts Simon again, upset that he's still planning to attend the party. Simon tries to reassure him by saying, "Remember, I was raised by Eric and Annie Camden, the uber-parents of Glenoak." Wait a second. Uber-parents? I'm going to take that as a shout-out to the man who designed the fine web site you're perusing right now. Thanks, Brenda! Dopey tries to get Simon to heed the lessons to be learned from the legendary story of Mary "Half-Pint" Camden, who was also raised by the CamRents. Simon just rolls his eyes and walks away. Dopey, presumably, goes off to harass someone else.

Simon knows that to whip his date into an anticipatory frenzy, he has to keep him waiting. Morris is down in the CamKitchen, looking uncomfortable while the CamRents drink tea and smile at him. Maybe he's feeling awkward because he forgot Simon's corsage in the car, or because the CamRents never offered him any tea or invited him to sit down. In any case, the conversation is not exactly flowing. Simon comes down and tries to make a hasty exit with Morris, but Annie stops them by asking Morris about his intentions. Morris looks a little taken aback, perhaps wondering if Annie really thinks he and Simon are dating. Annie clarifies by asking him if he intends to drink or smoke. I can see why she'd have an interest in his fitness to drive her son in a car, but whether he intends to smoke is really none of her business. She proceeds to lay on a guilt trip and asks for Morris's promise that he will watch out for Simon at the party. Poor Simon looks embarrassed as hell by all this, while Morris looks a little creeped out. Perhaps he's realizing just how dangerously unstable Annie really is. Simon starts to leave, staring incredulously at his parents. He stops and says, "Oh, and don't put the whole family in the van and follow me to this party, okay?" Annie and Eric smile at him, obviously reliving the joyful memories of some of their finest stalking ever. With the happy couple gone, RevCam tries to reassure Annie that Simon will be okay. She replies, "Well, if he isn't, I'm going to hold you personally responsible." That's really great of her to give her permission yet reserve the right to blame her husband if anything should go wrong. That's some fine parenting there.

Over at the big bash, Morris offers to get his date a soda. Simon gratefully accepts, then stands around smiling self-consciously. Tom and Mike come over and ask him if he's having a good time. Simon excitedly replies, "Oh, I'm having a great time. I really like hanging out with you!" Mike comments that the real party is "out back." Huh? What could possibly be "out back"? It looks like the beer is already in the house, so what's left? Considering it's two guys who want to lead Simon outside, it's possible they want to show him a girl who's going to jump out of a cake. However, it's far more likely that they're inviting him out for a circle jerk.

Oh, no, it's far more evil than that. Mike leads them to a keg and pours Simon a full glass of beer! Since I find it hard to believe that anyone could actually find a keg of non-alcoholic beer to use as a prop, maybe this is a real keg that the writers used to help get them through this episode. Tom says, "But Mike, maybe he doesn't drink." Grateful for this out, Simon agrees that he doesn't drink. Mike mulls this over and then offers him some punch. Simon ladles out a big glass of punch and starts drinking, as Mike and Tom exchange amused looks. I'm glad someone's having fun.

Lucy has allowed Mary to accompany her and her newfound friends for the evening -- on the condition that Mary not embarrass her. Well, it sure didn't take Mary long to violate that promise, as she starts freaking out because they're meeting Jill and Barb in a bar! Lucy sensibly points out that one doesn't have to drink alcohol while in a bar. I may not get out all that often these days, but I've been to my share of bars over the years. And you know what? Lucy's right! Never once has anyone held a gun to my head and forced me to consume alcoholic beverages. Half-Pint insists that the fact that Lucy's friends invited her to a bar must mean they're "drunks," which is one of the more ridiculous things I've ever heard on this show.

Hey, here come the drunks now! I will say one thing for Mary: she is tenacious. Not many ideas actually pass through the vast wasteland that is her brain, but when one does, she holds tight to it. She reiterates, for Jill's and Barb's benefit, that this is a bar and that they are too young to drink. Actually, I'll venture to guess that Jill and Barb have not been too young to drink for many a year. In any case, Barb knows the bartender, and Jill insists that as long as she and Barb order the drinks, the bartender won't care if Lucy and Mary drink them. In this age of rampant litigation, I find that highly unlikely, but whatever. Lucy offers to buy the first pitcher, and Jill goes off to fetch it. Half-Pint pulls Lucy aside and asks her what she's doing. I wonder if Mary has any clue just how tedious a conversationalist she is. Lucy replies that she's hanging out with her "older, mature friends who like to drink." Mary is having a little problem with the whole cause/effect thing here, since she assumes that this automatically means that Lucy drinks also. Looking exceedingly dorky, Lucy says she doesn't, but that maybe tonight she will. Mary's face remains blank as she struggles valiantly to absorb all this new information.

Ruthie tortures Dopey some more about his admissions letters. As you've probably already guessed, this scene is more dull than Mary's intellect.

Back in the scary bar, Lucy is grinning nervously because she is in such close proximity to actual beer. Mary is expressing her disapproval by sitting at another table entirely. Or maybe Jill and Barb have banished her there because she's such a poopnoddy. That's right, I said "poopnoddy." It's my new favorite word. The Oxford English Dictionary gives the definition of the word as "a dupe or simpleton." Is it too much to ask that a future episode of 7th Heaven be called "Poopnoddy"? ["I think the entire show should be renamed 'Poopnoddy.'" -- Sars] Jill points out Lucy hasn't touched her beer, and guesses that Lucy is upset because Mary won't leave. Lucy uses this opportunity to go talk to Half-Pint.

Mary says, "You win. I'll go." You'd think Lucy would be happy about that. Heaven knows I am. But Lucy seems to think that if Mary leaves, Barb and Jill will expect her to drink, and she won't be able to say no. Why not? Because she wants to be a minister. Okay, but I still don't see the connection. Lucy searches frantically for an explanation that makes sense, but fails miserably: "If I want to help the people, I have to be one of the people." Way to blame your wussiness on God, Lucy. Half-Pint laughs and says, "That is so crazy, it sounds like something I would say." I know it's been going on for a while now, but it still pleases me when the writers put down Mary by making her look like the world's biggest moron -- though in this scene, Lucy certainly is giving Mary a run for her money, as she begs Mary to stay. Half-Pint insists on leaving with Lucy, though. She stands up, walks over to Jill and Barb, and says, "Lucy's leaving right now, because if she doesn't, I'm gonna tell my parents she was drinking, and she'll get in big trouble." As Lucy leaves, Jill and Barb burst out laughing.

Mary tells Lucy, "To say that you owe me would be the biggest understatement of your short life." You see, Half-Pint believes that she was doing Lucy a favor by giving her a graceful excuse to leave, and Lucy seems to harbor the same delusion. The fact that these two are so incredibly naive makes me almost too sad for words.

Simon wants to know why Morris is cutting their date short by driving him home so early. Morris tells him that he was "drunk" and "out of control." Damn! I'm so disappointed we never got to see Simon cavorting with a lampshade on his head or dancing the flamenco on the coffee table. When Simon doesn't understand how he could be drunk, Morris has to explain to him that the punch was made with grain alcohol. Okay, just what kind of poopnoddy is Simon that he couldn't have figured that out for himself? I don't care what anyone says, that stuff has a taste, and it's rank. Morris isn't even going to walk him to the door, since he's afraid that Annie "might hurt [him]." Heh -- he's got her number, all right. Morris tenderly helps Simon unhook his seatbelt -- and then watches as he falls out of the car. Heh. Unfortunately, Simon's not injured.

In the CamKitchen, Dopey is getting ready to go stalk Simon. RevCam quizzes him on where he's going. Dopey has to think for a bit before he comes up with the excuse that he's going out for ice cream. As Hans has correctly surmised on the forums, in the Camden household, "ice cream" is obviously a euphemism for stalking, and RevCam picks up on Dopey's code immediately. He says he's worried about Simon, and asks Matt to "pick [him] up some peace of mind." Dopey smiles knowingly and says, "No problem."

Lucy and Mary are walking up the driveway just as Matt is getting ready to leave. Evidently, Lucy knows the code word for stalking too, and she calls Dopey on it, saying, "You should leave Simon alone." Speaking of the little lush, here he comes, staggering up the driveway. He smiles at everyone and slurs, "Hiiii!" Dopey says, "No, I think you're drunk," which is pretty funny and far more daring than I would have expected from this show. Everyone panics when they see RevCam coming outside. Dopey shoves Simon into his car, and he and the girls smile up at RevCam. Eric is suspicious, but he doesn't push the issue, just asking Dopey to pick up some lame-o Rocky Road ice cream for the twins. He goes back inside, and we hear Simon puking repeatedly inside the DopeMobile. It's truly a golden moment in television history.

So where can they hide Simon? It has to be someplace no one ever goes. Ah, yes, the never-to-be-finished garage Treehouse. Dopey is, of course, playing a game of "I told you so" with Simon, who swears he didn't know there was any alcohol in the punch. When Simon asks what his siblings are going to do about the situation, Lucy says, "We're thinking, we're thinking." I think it's safe to assume she's not including Mary in this statement. Dopey suggests they bring Simon inside and tell the CamRents the whole story, but Lucy argues that they should cover for him. Dopey calls for a vote, but before he can get that underway, Ruthie shows up. Simon explains that he drank too much alcohol at a party, but that he didn't know it was alcohol. Ruthie says what I've been wondering all along: "How could you not know?" Mary is the only one who votes to turn Simon in, piously telling him, "You'll thank me for this one day." Simon says, "No, I won't," and laughs in her face. He and Lucy and Ruthie all vote for the cover-up. Dopey says, "I don't think we should you let you get away with this, but I also don't think we should turn you in, so I'm not voting." Very good, Dopey; that's exactly how you go about taking a stand! Not that it matters, since you're already outvoted anyway. Lucy suggests that they sneak Simon into the house, sober him up, sneak him back out of the house, and then have him come in again right before his curfew. Wow, sounds wacky. Okay, but here's a much better idea. Why don't you just bring the guy a bucket and some water and dispense with all that sneaking around bullshit? I guess people who don't have lives like to invent drama, though, so Dopey comes up with a convoluted plan that involves distracting the CamRents and synchronizing their watches.

Ruthie goes off to distract RevCam, while Dopey takes on SuperMom and the twins. He has a hard time answering her snoopy questions about where he's been, which makes her suspect something right off the bat. Still, he bravely soldiers on, trying to keep Annie from bringing the twins up for their bath by making up some story about excessive bathing being bad for toddlers. You'd think Annie would listen to him -- he is an orderly, after all -- but she's a little skeptical. She asks him if he wants to talk about the admissions letters he received. He's surprised that she already knows about them, but as Annie says, she knows "everything." Matt looks spooked for a moment, perhaps wondering how SuperMom found out that he has bizarre sexual fantasies about Hello Kitty and hair-care products. No time for that right now, though, since he has to talk Annie into letting him put the twins to bed, making her promise that she will wait for him in the CamKitchen.

Mary and Lucy sneak Simon in through the front door, just in time to see Dopey bringing the twins into the front hall. Everyone hurries upstairs. There's no time to reach the bathroom, though, since RevCam has been spotted, so Dopey rushes everyone into the twins' room. Are you enjoying the comedy of their zany antics yet? Ruthie is just in time to distract RevCam, saying that she has to talk to him about sex. Eric looks taken aback. Ruthie adds, "Yes, I said sex." Hallelujah -- someone finally said it. Part of me longs for the simpler days when it was called "adult relations," but I'm really moral and uptight like that. Ruthie leads RevCam up to her room, giving Mary a chance to get Simon to the bathroom, while Dopey and Lucy take care of the twins.

Ruthie kills a lot of time getting around to her sex question. The best part is when she stalls by trying to get him to guess her question. RevCam asks, "Are you embarrassed?" Ruthie dryly replies, "Yeah, that's it. I'm embarrassed." Then she adds matter-of-factly, "Start guessing." RevCam looks worried. Maybe he's afraid she'll ask about contraception and he will have to admit that he's completely ignorant on the subject.

Dopey leaves Lucy to take care of the twins, but not before they have a jaw-droppingly dull debate about whether Simon should be punished.

Mary's indulging in similarly annoying behavior with Simon in the bathroom, insisting that if he's not punished, he will just go do something like this again. Or maybe he'll even kill someone. You know, this really pisses me off. I grew up in New York State, where the drinking age was eighteen the whole time I was in high school. Six months before my eighteenth birthday, they raised it to nineteen. Then six months before my nineteenth birthday, they raised it to twenty-one. And trust me, there's not a whole hell of a lot to do in bloody Schenectady if you can't go to a bar once in a while. I'm not saying you have to drink while you're there -- I certainly didn't always drink when I snuck into them -- but it's at least nice to be able to do something different occasionally, other than just hanging out at the mall. Okay, so here's the big secret to not killing people. Are you ready? Don't drink and drive. Ever. And teach your children not to drink and drive either. It's pretty simple, isn't it? Millions of people have gotten the hang of it, but obviously Mary's too dense to see that. Part of the justification the government used for raising the drinking age in my state was to cut down on teenage drunk driving. Yet I remember that my friend's mother's friend, Claire, who was in her forties, used to get picked up for DWI all the time. In fact, the last time she got caught, she was blacked out and couldn't even remember what happened. But I know she never did jail time for any of this, and she still had her license. How fucked up is that? I know the laws and the enforcement are tougher now, but back then I was never able to understand why the government didn't just come down hard, and I mean really hard, on drunk drivers. That would have been a real solution. I guess Mary (and Brenda Hampton) are a little unclear on the fact that A) it's possible to go into a bar and have one alcoholic drink, or even none at all; and B) not everyone who has a drink is going to get behind the wheel of a car. Who knows? Maybe Brenda assumes that the core audience who can't see past the misogyny and the stalking and the child abuse and insist that the show is chock-full of family values-y goodness would find those concepts too confusing to grasp. After all, it's easier just to say wholeheartedly that something's bad, right? In any case, as always, it's a little hard to take Mary seriously.

Dopey's floundering a little in the CamKitchen too, not sure how to distract SuperMom, when Lucy rescues him by pretending she wants to talk to Annie. The best she can come up with on the spur of the moment, though, is to tell her mom she might get back together with Robbie. Her lying skills need a major overhaul.

Ruthie's doing a little better.. She says she wants to talk to her dad about "reproduction." That's a good topic -- nice and broad. It will take RevCam a while to narrow it down. Of course, when I was a kid, we'd already learned all the biological stuff about reproduction in school by grade five, but maybe RevCam doesn't know what they were teaching Ruthie at the dreadful Eleanor Roosevelt School. Ruthie's question is pretty entertaining: "Why can't cats mate with dogs?" Fortunately for Ruthie, it has RevCam stumped. I'm not surprised.

Back at Hurl Central, Dopey rushes in with a change of clothes for Simon. Lucy follows on his heels to let everyone know that SuperMom is on her way up. When Annie knocks on the door, both Dopey and Mary ask, "Yes?" SuperMom wants to know why Dopey is in the bathroom with Mary. At first he says, "I don't know," which really is not a very good answer. Mary tries to assist him by adding, "He needed some help," which just brings up an entire cavalcade of thoroughly unpleasant mental images for me. Dopey gives us all a major shout-out when he says, "I hate my hair." He adds, somewhat unbelievably, "Mary's great with hair." Lucy pipes up in agreement, letting Annie in on the fact that she's in the bathroom too. Annie says she wants to talk to them when they're done with their hair.

RevCam's still struggling with Ruthie's question. All he can come up with is that cats and dogs don't like each other. I'll bet even Ruthie knows more about biology than he does, but to draw him out, she asks, "What if a cat was really attracted to a dog? What then?" Hey, maybe that's not such a far-out question. After all, my friend's rabbit used to hump her cat all the time, and according to my friend, both parties seemed quite happy with this arrangement. Still, it was probably more of a dominance thing. I'm sure the fact that there were no bunny-kitty babies wasn't entirely due to the fact that both animals were male. But what do I know? Let's hear what RevCam has to say about it. Ah, but we never get to hear his answer, since Annie interrupts nosily. Ruthie has one more question: "Can Happy still have puppies?" Unfortunately, she can, which tells us that the CamDorks never had her spayed -- not even after she's already had at least one litter of puppies already. Lovely. I guess birth control for pets is too hot a topic for 7H to address. Or else the Camdens really just are complete and utter poopnoddies. After Ruthie makes her escape, Annie opines to Eric, "Something's going on." Excellent detective abilities there, StuporMom.

Down in the CamKitchen, The CamLosers are trying to sneak Simon out the back door when someone knocks at the front door. Eric shouts, "We got it," which is a little weird, because you wouldn't think it would take more than one person to answer the door. Half-Pint orders a "breath check" -- a precaution she must have picked up while she was having half a beer that time. Simon exhales, and if Dopey can still smell alcohol from at least three feet away, I think Simon's going to have a hard time getting away with this. After he goes out the back door, his siblings wrack themselves with guilt about the cover-up. Dorks.

In the front hall, Morris is apologizing for his part in leading Simon astray. He says, "I came back because I gave Mrs. Camden my word." I sincerely doubt that. Morris probably came back because he figures Annie will find out what happened and he'll wake up in the middle of the night to see her holding an ax over his head. Nevertheless, Morris continues apologizing for a while. He also explains that he thinks his friends "were messing with [Simon]."

Simon chooses this inopportune moment to walk in the front door. He tries to continue the deception, but the jig is up. Simon finally realizes this when he sees Morris. The look of terror on Simon's face is priceless. If Mary could be exiled to Buffalo for half a beer, just imagine what's going to happen to Simon after drinking an entire glass of punch.

RevCam's looking pretty peeved when he confronts the kids for trying to cover up Simon's drunkenness. Annie is calmer, but it's that kind of psycho calm that makes you suspect that Cruella is bubbling very close to the surface now. After dismissing the rest of the kids, RevCam lectures Simon for a while and then grounds him "until further notice."

Dopey pays a visit to Ruthie, who's reading in her room. He asks her if he got into the schools. What? Oh, yeah, this was a subplot too. Okay. I have to rewind the tape a bit, because after Ruthie said he was accepted by both schools, I was laughing too hard to hear what came after that. What she says is even funnier, if possible: that Dopey got a partial scholarship from Columbia and a full scholarship from NYU. Dang, that's pretty good for a guy who went to Crawford Clown College -- a school that would accept Mary as a student. Ruthie explains her reasons for keeping this news from Dopey for so long. I think it's something about him needing to get used to the idea of leaving Glenoak, but I'm still too busy laughing to pay much attention. Okay, we know -- he's leaving. I kind of wish he'd stop talking about it and just do it already.

Now that he's getting ready to leave, though, Ruthie seems to have assumed the mantle of bossy, lecturing sibling. She goes into Simon's room to lecture him, ironically enough, on not being a good enough role model to her and the twins. Um, hello? Doesn't Ruthie have two older female siblings too? Nope, no mention of Lucy and Mary. Ruthie even invokes Robbie's name, for crying out loud. I know Lucy and Mary aren't exactly great role models, but it's still pretty revolting to hear Ruthie imply that only big brothers can be looked up to. It's also pretty gross when she tells Simon to "start trying to fit in harder around here." Okay, Simon, you heard her. It's time to lace up your stalking boots. But wait, there's even more. Ruthie says, "Start becoming a man, the kind of man I can look up to." So are we straight, then? Is Simon supposed to aspire to becoming the kind of sexist jerk who is at least partially responsible for Ruthie thinking that she has to look up to men? I guess so. Let's all jot that down in our family values notebooks, shall we?

Mary worriedly asks if Lucy thinks the CamRents are going to punish them for helping Simon. Hey, news flash! Y'all are over eighteen now, okay? While you're still living off your parents, you certainly have some responsibility to please them, but if the CamRents are seriously going to punish their adult children for something like this, then the show is even more messed up than I thought. Lucy thanks Mary -- presumably for making her look like a dork in front of Jill and Barb. A heartwarming moment is shared by all as the sisters admit that they envy each other. Lucy tries to cheer up Half-Pint by telling her about some mistakes she's made. All these mistakes are men. Oh, well, it's not like Lucy does much with her life these days except chase guys. And you know the part where I said this scene was heartwarming? I lied.

The CamRents are discussing their parenting skills downstairs when Simon walks in to apologize some more. He also begs his parents not to send him to Buffalo. Hey, Buffalo's not that bad. There's a pretty spectacular art gallery there. And a Target. And at least it's not Glenoak. Simon admits that he had his suspicions about the punch, but he kept drinking it anyway. Why? "While I was drinking, everyone accepted me and liked me." Uh, Simon? Yeah, you do know that alcohol impairs your judgment, right? Evidently inspired by Ruthie's speech earlier, Simon takes responsibility for the entire drinking episode and asks his parents not to punish his siblings, or to think badly of Morris. Well, what do you know! I guess Simon's on his way to becoming a role model for all the silly females of the world to look up to. Because there's nothing more us women want, or need, than a man to look up to.

RevCam apologizes to Annie for letting Simon go to the party, admitting, "I just said yes to Simon because my dad always said no to me." Annie admits that she may have been too hard on Simon because she was "a lot wild" in high school and college. Okay, just please don't tell us you smoked half a joint once and half a cigarette another time, because I don't think I could bear it right now. The CamRents discuss the possibility of punishing their adult children, and Eric comes up with this idea: "I think we should not punish them but not tell them until tomorrow. That way they'll think they're being punished, which will be almost like being punished." Annie greets this asinine idea with the assertion that she and Eric are "parents of the year." Please, people! I've got a major hangover-type headache, and I haven't even been drinking. I can only suspect it's some sort of weird episode hangover. That would also explain the bad taste in my mouth and the sudden feeling that I'm going to puke. Could someone please direct me to Matt's car?