Right before I started writing this recap, I had the weirdest dream. My parents were living with us in our apartment, and someone had given us a list of all the Muslims in our building, so my mom was putting together gift baskets for them for Ramadan. My husband had made cards to go along with the baskets. The cards were quite pretty, though they did contain images of Santa in his sleigh. We all thought this was a fabulous idea at the time. When I woke up, I was scared that Brenda Hampton had gotten into my head somehow and started scripting my dreams, a situation which would call for an immediate exorcism. Then I realized that at least the people in my dream could actually act. But that's about the only thing that differentiates the dream from this episode on the absurdity scale. I want to give credit to Brenda for attempting to deal with a difficult topic, but this episode is so bad that I can't quite bring myself to give her that credit. At least my stupid dream was entertaining, unlike this episode, or the dream I had last week, in which I had to baby-sit Simon and Ruthie and Simon kept wetting his pants every five minutes. But that's another story. Well, if you guessed that I'm procrastinating because I can't stomach the idea of watching this episode again, you're right. I suppose I can't avoid it forever, though.
The show begins with the type of scene you'd expect to find as an Opening Credits Timewaster. Unfortunately, we're not that far into the show yet. Ruthie is skulking around the backyard of the CamPound. She dashes to the back door and then checks to see if there's anyone in the CamKitchen. When she sees that the coast is clear, she turns around and beckons to someone to follow her. Oh, the suspense!
Upstairs, RevCam has just finished changing the twins' clothes. In a colossal waste of film stock, he explains to the kids that food doesn't belong on their clothes or on the floor. No, it belongs in their mouths. Thanks for the PSA, RevCam. I'm sure we're all grateful.
Eric hustles the kids down to the kitchen, where Ruthie motions to her little friend that they should hide behind the kitchen island. When Eric opens the refrigerator, the girls run into the front hallway. Happy starts barking, so Ruthie says, "We'll have to make a break for the garage." RevCam checks out the front hallway, then starts doing some unfunny shtick where he keeps turning around suddenly to see if someone's sneaking up on him. Annie walks into the CamKitchen with some groceries and asks RevCam why he's so jumpy. He does that turning-around-quickly thing once more, while SuperMom rolls her eyes and looks annoyed.
Up in the Treehouse, Ruthie bolts the door and tells her friend, "We'll be safe here." The friend looks around the garage apartment and then nods politely, even though she's probably hoping she won't fall through the floor of the poorly constructed Treehouse.
In the real Opening Credits Timewaster, Lucy walks into her bedroom to see that it's even filthier than usual. It looks like it's been tossed by a thief who was looking for nice clothing, but when all she saw was what the girls wear, she trashed the room out of spite. Lucy throws a few things randomly into drawers, shouting for Mary all the while. When the stupid skank arrives, Lucy starts accusing her of "plundering and pilfering" her stuff. When Mary maintains that she didn't "plunder or pilfer" anything, Lucy says, "Oh, really? Define either one of them." Mary doesn't have a clue, which is pretty damn funny. Lucy points out that Mary is currently wearing one of her shirts, a totally fugly number in pale yellow, with puffy light-blue stripes at the shoulders. Really, Lucy should be thanking her for taking it. Mary whines that all her make-up is missing but that she didn't accuse Lucy of taking it. Obviously not all of it is gone, since what Mary's wearing on her face right now would easily take care of my make-up needs for a year or two.
The big mystery is what happened to Dopey's Hello Kitty sheets. In another delightful display of family values, he accuses Simon of stealing them. Simon comes up with the boneheaded suggestion that Robbie brought the sheets with him to Florida, where he's supposedly visiting his mother. I'm inclined to believe the rumors that Adam LaVorgna was in rehab while this episode was being taped. After all, having to play Robbie Palmer opposite Jessica Biel every week would surely be enough to drive someone to abuse a substance or two. So if the rumors are true, at least he's getting help. Good for him. I wish him well. Simon tells Dopey to calm down and grab another set of sheets from the linen closet. Dopey haughtily tells him he's "grown accustomed to the Kitty sheets." Instead of snickering madly at his brother, Simon takes the polite route and merely changes the subject, mentioning that he's missing his pillow and his Gameboy.
Down in the CamKitchen, Annie is freaking out because she thinks someone has stolen the CamFood. Mary sulkily says that she didn't do it. Annie gives her a little pep talk, trying to convince her that nobody's accusing her of anything. She even explains the difference between someone asking and accusing, as if Mary were a five-year-old -- which, in many ways, she is. I think it's hilarious that the writers are finally trying to riff on her stupidity. It certainly took them long enough to capitalize on what the viewers have been laughing at all along. When Dopey and Simon walk in, SuperMom starts complaining about the missing cheese and luncheon meat, holding up the remaining mangy bologna slice for everyone's inspection. Ugh, she's also holding up an individually wrapped processed cheese slice. Isn't that the stuff that's called "cheese food"? I guess they have to explain that it's edible, since you'd never guess that from its smell or texture. No wonder the CamKids are so stupid if they're never receiving any nutrients from their food. SuperMom melodramatically threatens that whoever has eaten the vile "food" will have to go to the store and replace it. As she asks, "Now, who ate it?" she curls up her lips in a way that makes her resemble Popeye. Despite that, RevCam still calls her "a creature of strength and beauty." What that has to do with anything, I'm not sure. In any case, no one is admitting to stealing the "cheese food." When Lucy comes in and starts complaining about someone going through her drawers (tee hee), RevCam attempts to solve the mystery by asking, "Who is missing?" SuperMom actually has to count her children, which is pretty pathetic. She and RevCam smile at each other when they realize Ruthie is the missing one.
Ruthie is still in the Treehouse with this week's Tertiary Character In Need. She has indeed taken all the missing items and stashed them there. How she got all that crap out of the house without being caught is mind-boggling. And doesn't "cheese food" need to be refrigerated? Ruthie tries to entice her friend to play with Simon's Gameboy or Mary's makeup. Shaking her head the entire time, Ruthie's friend gives a little speech about this being their "secret place, where everything is nice and nothing bad happens." Considering this is the place where the con man carpenter fell and threatened to sue the Camdens, the place where Cruella banished the kids when they defied her, and the place where the kids played that nasty, stupid game of Survivor, I'd say plenty of bad things have happened here already. Ruthie's friend's wooden "acting" is just the icing on the cake. I feel a little bad saying that, since the girl is cute and soft-spoken and seems like a very gentle person, but I think it's safe to say we have finally seen the worst acting on this show. Ever. What the hell was Brenda thinking? Who cares whether the part of the Muslim girl is played by a real Muslim?
This cozy scene is interrupted by the arrival of the rest of the CamFam. Ruthie introduces her friend as Yasmine, and says she was hoping the girl could live here "because she's in danger." Annie asks her what kind of danger she's in, but Yasmine would rather not talk about it. One would assume she doesn't want Ruthie talking about it either, but that doesn't stop Ruthie, who explains that Yasmine was being harassed by bullies on the street because she's Muslim. It's nice to see the Camdens be supportive and to hear RevCam tell Yasmine that she is important. It's not so nice to think that after Yasmine has been through so much already, Ruthie tried to offer her the dirty Hello Kitty sheets from Dopey's bed to sleep on. Shudder. When Ruthie asks why she doesn't just change the route she walks home from school to avoid the bullies, Yasmine monotones, "I refuse to change my life. I refuse to be a victim." Good for her. Annie goes over and hugs her, which I'd like to do myself -- and not just to shut her up, either. Annie sends away the rest of the family so she can talk to Yasmine. The girl asks Annie not to tell her mother about the harassment, since she doesn't want her to worry. She says she can handle the situation and that everything's "okay." Annie kindly says, "It's not okay. You shouldn't ever have to take any of this." What a great scene. It's too bad the show goes mostly downhill from here.
The slide starts with Lucy forlornly comparing herself to the boys who bullied Yasmine. She apologizes for being so mean and "intolerant" to Mary. Mary is angry, but not at Lucy. She's mad at the bullies, and she even has a pretty good theory about why they acted the way they did: "Not only did those boys pick on Yasmine because of her ethnicity and religious background, but because she was a girl who was younger and smaller than they were." How could someone so dumb come up with such a good thought? And how could she not know what "plunder" or "pilfer" mean, yet she can effortlessly toss around words like "ethnicity"? I'm sure this was just a brief, shining moment of intelligence, though and that we're about to be subjected to the stupider side of Mary again, since she says she has "a plan." Yikes.
Simon and Dopey are angry too. Down in the CamKitchen, they're tossing a football back and forth while they talk about how Yasmine's tormentors are "evil, ignorant little cowards." Simon gets in a good line when he says, "So, aside from calling them cowards behind their backs, what are we gonna do about it?" It turns out that Matt has a wacky plan too: he's going to "kick their butts." Ooh! When Simon tries to talk him out of it, Dopey just says, "Come on, Simon, we have to take a stand and be men!" That's about all it takes to convince Simon. Or maybe he's just undergoing some chemical reaction right now. I've heard that tossing a football releases testosterone into the system, though that doesn't sound medically accurate to me. Why don't we ask Dopey? Oh, I guess we can't. He's too busy shouting in unison with Simon: "We're gonna go out and kick some butt!" RevCam walks in and witnesses this icky display. Tough guy Simon makes his escape, leaving Dopey to hear a mini-lecture from RevCam about how it's up to him to set a moral standard for his siblings. Dopey humors his father, but when Eric leaves, Matt says, "But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do," as he slams down the football in what is probably meant to be a very manly fashion. A commercial break gives me a chance to get all the laughter out of my system.
The CamRents are chatting with Yasmine's mother, Nasreen, over coffee in the living room. Nasreen is upset about the harassment of her daughter, and she's telling the Camdens about it. Damn, someone should have warned her about what a bad idea that can be. Run, Nasreen, run! Instead, she gives a speech about how she's lived in Glenoak all her life and was never subjected to suspicion until now. Ah yes, suspicion -- this week's theme mallet. RevCam comes up with a wacky plan of his own: to get Yasmine accepted into Ruthie's private school. Okaaay. And how, exactly, is that going to stop the bullies from harassing her on the street? I guess nobody really thought that one through. Nasreen accepts Eric's offer of help, and gets up to leave. Yasmine asks if Ruthie can come over tomorrow, and Annie answers for her, saying she can. Hey, what if Ruthie doesn't want to go over to Yasmine's tomorrow? Back off, Annie, you control freak. After Yasmine and Nasreen leave, RevCam goes to his office, giving Ruthie a chance to ask simplistic questions about why Yasmine is being hassled. Come on -- Ruthie's eleven, and she's never witnessed bigotry before? Glenoak can't be that perfect.
Simon updates Dopey on Operation Ass-Kick. He says he got a "detailed description" of the boys who were bothering Yasmine. It doesn't sound that detailed to me, but Simon has narrowed it down to two loudmouthed jerks from his school. He doesn't know their names, but he says he will find out. He tells Dopey to meet him in front of the clinic after school. I'm assuming the proposed ass-kicking will commence shortly thereafter.
Over breakfast the morning, RevCam laments that he misses Robbie. Heh. Annie tries to take his mind off it by giving a lengthy, boring litany of what all the kids are doing today. Amazingly, Eric is still awake at the end of it, and he tells her that he's spoken to Mrs. Mackoul about getting a scholarship for Yasmine. The principal has agreed to help.
You probably figured that Mary's plan would suck, and it sure does. She's decided to get signatures on a petition "in support of [their] neighbours." Hmm, obviously Mary's lack of vocabulary extends to the word "petition" as well. Just who is she planning on giving this petition to? And what is the petition actually asking? We never get to find out, since this oafish dude freaks out when he hears that there are Muslims living in his neighborhood. He shifts his eyes around furtively, as if checking to make sure there are no pesky Muslims lurking in his hedges.
Simon's waiting at the bus stop when a classmate walks up to him. The guy's just trying to make pleasant chitchat, but Simon is not paying attention. He's fixated on two guys walking toward them -- two guys who are about to have their asses kicked! The alleged bullies cross the street, and one of them thumps the hood of a car and grunts. I think he's supposed to look menacing, but not even Mr. Bundle Buggy, my skittish rabbit who's scared of greeting cards and his own shadow, would feel threatened by that. Simon seems scared, though. His friend agrees that the horrible hood-thumping was "pretty low, but it's not surprising, coming from them." Why? Do the guys also do other terribly evil things, like ringing people's doorbells and then running? Punks, I tell you! Their names are George and Jerry Jenkins, but they are known as the Jenkins Jerks. And did I mention that they're about to get their asses kicked? Okay, soon, but maybe not just yet, since Simon turns away in fear when they walk by him.
Lucy and Mary are arguing about who gets to deliver their dumb-ass spiel at the house. Since Mary's been doing all the talking so far, and they don't have a single signature on their "petition," Lucy decides to take over. When she tells the neighbor that she and Mary are collecting signatures, the woman says, "How nice of you two girls, spending your extra time to do volunteer work." Extra time? Hey, these chicks haven't even made a token effort to find jobs yet. Any time they have is extra time. The neighbor doesn't let Lucy finish her plea either and nervously shuts the door. Mary grabs the stupid "petition" back.
Simon calls Dopey down at the clinic to tell him he knows who's been hassling Yasmine. Dopey remembers that there's a guy named Jenkins in the waiting room of the clinic now. He switches extensions so he can give a description of the Jenkins man to Simon. Based on the fact that this guy "is tall, thin and has brown hair," the CamDorks decide that he must be the Jenkins Jerks' father. After Dopey hangs up the phone, he talks to the clinic nurse about the Jenkins Jerks, and about how he suspects this is their father. All right, that's all very nice, but what does it have to do with anything? Dopey explains that kids have to learn bigotry from their parents, as if it couldn't be learned from millions of other sources. I'm still not sure why it's earth-shattering that this Jenkins guy is in the clinic -- except for the fact that I seem to remember this being a women's clinic. I wonder what female problems Mr. Jenkins is having, exactly. Whatever they are, he's got bigger worries ahead, since I suspect he's about to get his ass kicked!
RevCam's got worries too, as Mrs. Mackoul drops by to tell him she has "bad news." An intervening commercial break gives me a chance to yawn profusely before Mrs. Mackoul can continue her explanation. Apparently, the board of directors received calls from concerned parents, and they are afraid that if they let Yasmine into the school, other students may leave. Charming. Mrs. Mackoul has scheduled a meeting of the board and parents for this evening, and she wants Ruthie to speak at it. RevCam sums up my thoughts exactly when he asks, "Why Ruthie?" Mrs. Mackoul spews some gibberish about "a child's point of view" being "more effective." RevCam attempts a translation: "If the parents see that a child is not afraid, then maybe it might diminish their own fears?" That sounds like bullshit to me, but since Ruthie hasn't had a plotline in ages, I suppose the producers are just looking for something to do with her. RevCam asks how the parents found out about Yasmine so quickly. Mrs. Mackoul tells him "there was some sort of petition that set them off." Surely they can't mean Mary's "petition." That has nothing to do with getting Yasmine into private school, does it? Well, since the whole petition deal is so incredibly vague, maybe it does. I think you might just have to suspend your disbelief to buy this plotline.
The Petition Losers are feeling frustrated, since they haven't managed to get a single signature yet. Lucy's brilliant idea is to double back and bother the same people they just finished bothering. Or they could, you know, just admit it was a totally pointless idea in the first place and abandon it? Just a suggestion. Lucy tries a pep talk: "What would have happened if Rosa Parks gave up her seat on the bus? Or if Cesar Chavez had given up on the farm workers? Or if Susan B. Anthony had given up on the suffrage movement?" Well, yes, Lucy, but listen to me carefully now. All those people had valid, important ways of dealing with the causes they were fighting for. I'm sure none of them wasted their time getting up a petition that doesn't even ask anyone for something and has no logical recipient. When the brain trust behind the petition fiasco comments that she thinks she's forgotten everything she learned in high school, Lucy says, "That's what PBS is for." Not surprisingly, Mary has no idea what, or who, PBS is. Ha! Now, that was funny.
Mr. Jenkins is getting impatient and moody over having to wait so long. Maybe he's in to get treatment for his PMS? Dopey sidles up and asks him if his sons are named George and Jerry. They are, "but what does that have to do with anything?" Good question, a very good question indeed. He complains that he has "more important things to do than sitting around here with a bunch of women." Well, then, Mr. Jenkins, maybe you shouldn't be down at the women's clinic, for heaven's sake. When the nurse gives him a snarky answer, he erupts with, "See, now, that's exactly why women shouldn't be working. They get a bee in their bonnet, and instead of doing their jobs, they get irritable and sarcastic." But Mr. Jenkins, if I weren't so irritable and sarcastic, I wouldn't have this job, and I'd miss out on the pleasure of making fun of you! After a few more insults, Dopey says, "You better sit down now, Mr. Muslim-hater." That does not go over well with Mr. Jenkins.
I can't believe Mary and Lucy are still working on their petition. They accost one of the neighbors who's already refused to sign, a woman of Japanese descent. She apologizes for not helping them before and gives us a PSA about the U.S. internment camps after World War II, while Mary stares at her vacantly. This territory was already mined a few years ago, but I guess the writers will do anything to avoid having to come up with crappy new dialogue. Hey, I'd do the same thing myself, in their shoes. This woman talks about the fact that, "in times of war, it is not illegal for the government to take away human rights." She adds, "That's why I'm so hesitant to put my name on anything that might haunt me later." This might just be her being polite, instead of telling them she doesn't want any part of something as stupid as their "petition."
I'll tell you what I don't need to see: an extreme close-up of Matt's open mouth as he shoves a slice of bread covered in peanut butter into it. Another thing I don't need to see? Him chugging from a big communal carton of CamMilk to dislodge the peanut butter from the roof of his mouth when the phone rings. Gross. It's Detective Michaels on the phone, calling to say that he's apprehended the boys who were hassling Ruthie and Yasmine. He says he caught them harassing another girl, "only this time they had mistaken a Sikh for a Muslim." Okay, I read somewhere that this part of the show was based on a real incident. I'm not surprised, but I resent it being put in the show so casually. What's the point? It almost makes it sound like Detective Michaels thinks hassling a Sikh is somehow worse than hassling a Muslim. Then again, the writers could have spelled the whole issue out in simplistic, annoying detail, and they didn't, so I suppose that's something to be grateful for. Dopey starts nattering on about the Jenkins brothers, but Michaels stops him to point out that these boys are not the Jenkins brothers. He's sure of it, since Yasmine identified their photos, but Dopey just can't seem to get his head around the fact that two different boys could possibly be wearing the same type of ski cap. He's probably feeling glad now that he never kicked anyone's ass.
Down at the school meeting, Mrs. Mackoul gives an introductory speech condemning the board's decision not to allow Yasmine into the school, and then she opens up the floor to comments and questions. The first guy to speak up looks mean, so you already know he's going to be a redneck. Unfortunately, many other parents nod in agreement as he summarizes his point at the end of this speech thusly: "If we've never had Muslims at this school, why on earth would we make it a point to include a Muslim now, when it could put the lives of children of other races and religions in jeopardy?" I'm not sure I follow his "logic." Does he think all Muslims are terrorists and that Muslim children come to school packing heat? After another dumb-ass speaks up, Mrs. Mackoul introduces Ruthie, who starts off by extolling the school's virtues. She moves on to how she learned about the function of the spine in one of her classes, turning this into something confusing about not being able to hold her head up if the board won't admit Yasmine into the Eleanor Roosevelt school. She tops that off with talking about what a strong spine Eleanor Roosevelt "has [sic]." Um, Ruthie? I'm sure Eleanor was a terrific lady and all, but she's been dead since 1962, so I'm really not sure how strong her spine is anymore or, quite frankly, what use she would have for a strong spine now. In closing, Ruthie threatens to leave the school if the board does not reverse their decision. The silence is deafening. Finally, Annie and RevCam stand up and applaud. They are joined by Mrs. Mackoul and Ms. Riddle, but not a single other person applauds. Not a single person, out of an entire auditorium filled with people. This doesn't exactly reaffirm my faith in mankind.
Mary and Lucy praise Ruthie for her actions, but Ruthie's still feeling glum, since it looks like she's going to have to change schools now. So she won't have equestrian classes anymore, but honestly, who would want to attend a school where every single one of the students' parents is an asshole? Mary comments that it can be hard "to do the right thing." She adds, "It's not easy when you do stupid things and have to make up for them." She's obviously speaking from experience. Ruthie suggests, "It's not easy when you do smart things either," and Mary just smiles and nods vacantly as if she has even the slightest clue of what it would be like to do a smart thing.
Annie's in the CamKitchen, calling people and thanking them for agreeing to participate in something. A gang bang? A Tupperware party? I don't know, and I don't care!
Dopey confronts Simon, saying, "You almost got me fired today!" I guess he's trying to blame Simon for giving him the names of the wrong boys, even though Simon had absolutely nothing to do with Matt's dimwitted decision to insult Mr. Jenkins. Inexplicably, Dopey keeps insulting Simon, until Simon almost hits him. Yeah, Simon, kick his ass! But he doesn't. I guess the whole purpose of this trumped-up fight was so that we, the viewers, can see that violence is bad. Very, very bad. Thanks for that news flash, doofuses. Or should that be "doofi"?
RevCam informs Annie that Detective Michaels had caught the bullies who were hassling Yasmine. Annie hopes "their parents have the ability to steer them onto the right course." Never fear, Annie. Of course RevCam's planning to pay them a little visit tomorrow to set them straight. Annie may not be a mean bitch anymore, but she's obviously still delusional, as she says, "When I feel like the world is getting a little crazy, I think of our kids and what nice and kind people they've turned out to be. It makes me happy knowing how they're making the world a better place." Oh, please! Your older sons spent this entire episode insulting each other and talking about kicking someone's ass, for God's sake, and your older daughters bothered all your neighbors to sign some ridiculous petition that wasn't even a petition. These people are not making the world a better place, and neither is Brenda Hampton.
The morning, RevCam meets up with the imam of Nasreen's mosque to talk about someone name Mr. Halawi. He sounds like a great guy. And here he comes now, coughing up a storm. I take it he's Nasreen's husband, since RevCam makes some reference to him not being well. He offers him a coffee, which Mr. Halawi accepts, saying, "I am overwhelmed by this act of kindness." Dude, it's just a coffee! But he seems even more grateful for the coffee than when RevCam and the imam offer to work for him for the day -- at least I think that's what they're offering. Since Mr. Halawi owns his own business, he hasn't been able to take time off to recuperate. The imam announces, "Today you are open for business." I don't know what kind of business Mr. Halawi owns, but I hope it's something that RevCam would be good at, like stalking. I hope he doesn't manufacture semiconductors or something. Still, it's nice to see RevCam doing something useful for someone, for a change, and overall, this is a good scene.
I can't say the same for the scene, though, as Annie and Ruthie open the door to see Ms. Riddle and Mrs. Mackoul on their doorstep. Ruthie says, "Don't you know I'm not going to Eleanor Roosevelt School anymore?" Ever the perky one, Mrs. Mackoul replies, "Neither am I, and neither is Ms. Riddle. We're all going to the same place, Ruthie." Would that place be hell, by any chance? Well, close to it: Ruthie's old school. Imagine! What are the odds? I know that last week Ms. Riddle was saying she had to leave that school since she was engaged to the principal, but I imagine that's all conveniently forgotten now. Yasmine arrives with her mother, and Nasreen thanks Annie profusely for all the help the Camdens have given her family. Annie asks, "Shall we start walking?" Simon offers to walk with them. It turns out Annie has asked a whole bunch of neighbors to join her while she walks to school with Ruthie and Yasmine. You know, that's going to get a little time-consuming for people if they're planning on doing this every day. Mary and Lucy decide to join the group. Lucy says, "We want to be a part of this too," while Mary nods and smiles vacantly. Lucy rudely points at the Japanese woman who's coming over to them and waving so hard it looks as though her hand may fall off. Yasmine gives us one final, painful speech: "Thank you, Mrs. Camden. Thank you for this. It's not just about going to school, for me. It's about walking on higher ground." That's great, but for me, it's all about trying to forget this episode ever happened.