“ 'So, how's the surf?' Frigid, Billy. Your genitals may well implode. ”
According to the MPAA, Summer Catch is rated PG for "Sexual Content, Language and Some Drinking." What it doesn't mention is that the language and drinking are all coming from me. Let me lay it out for you. I was born and raised on Cape Cod, Massachusetts, in a little town called Dennis. All last year, there were posters all over the place for Summer Catch, since the movie is about the Cape Cod Baseball League. There were big promotions, and a special premiere, and nobody seems to have noticed that this movie was filmed in Southport, North Carolina. What, was there no room in Wilmington that month? So basically, what with having it stuffed down my throat for months, this movie is already my enemy.
All right, let's get to it. Pop, pop, pop music as the camera swoops over a seaside town. It's Summer Catch, from the people who brought you Varsity Blues, Ready to Rumble, and Hardball. I believe their film is an irreverent look at jai alai. Freddie Prinze Jr., as Ryan, makes with the narrating. "When you think of Cape Cod, you probably think of beaches, lobster, little fishing villages..." Boys with huge foreheads who obsess over their "soulmates"... "Well, I grew up here, and I mostly think of baseball." I can't really hear an accent, and I'm trying to decide if that's a bad thing. Ryan tells us all about the Cape Cod Amateur League, which is where a lot of college ballplayers get noticed by scouts and graduate to the big leagues. I believe this is how Pedro Martinez was noticed, but I'm not sure. I don't follow baseball, because when I was thirteen years old, a very bad man named Bill Buckner robbed me of any joy I might have had in the pastime. Anyway. Here's Ryan, riding a John Deere over the baseball diamond. He's been mowing this same field since he was a wee slip of a youth, but this year, it feels different.
Narrator switch! It's Matthew Lillard -- yes, it's another friggin' movie with Prinze and Lillard, the Leopold and Loeb of the film world. He picks up where Ryan left off, explaining that in "little towns like Yarmouth and Dennis and Chatham" -- which is a total shout-out to me -- families open their homes to ballplayers. A minivan from the New England Cab Co. pulls up outside a suburban house, and out hop Lillard and Marc Blucas, a.k.a. Riley Finn. Yeah, it took me a moment to recognize him too. Seems like a million years since he was on that show, doesn't it? Lillard introduces himself as "Billy Brubaker," and Riley as "Miles Dalrymple." "So, how's the surf?" Frigid, Billy. Your genitals may well implode. Cape Cod water only comes in three temperatures: cold, freon, and ice-nine.
Summer Catch
Another scene, another narrator. A kid carrying an Arizona Baseball bag walks into his room. "Some of us are farther away from home than we've ever been, staying with people who have strange ideas about being a houseparent." His room's got a huge window with a telescope. As he checks it out, his house mom asks him if he's hungry. The kid turns around -- hey, it's Fez from That 70's Show! -- and shakes his head, embarrassed. "Come here," House Mom purrs. "I have something for you." Mrs. Forman, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?
Back to Ryan. He pulls a shirt out of the back of his pickup truck and pulls off his dirty one. I believe I have solved the riddle of why Sarah Michelle Gellar goes out with this guy. Holy SHIT, is he cut. The man has Tyler Durden's abs. Ryan goes over a list of all the big leaguers he's seen play: "Bagwell, Belle, Biggio, Nomar, Mo Vaughn, The Big Hurt..." I recognize Mo and Nomar (that's Garciaparra, kids), but who's The Big Hurt? Isn't that Al Snow's tag-team partner? ["Close. It's Frank Thomas." -- Sars] Ryan takes the mound of Veterans Field (Home of the Chatham A's). "I've seen so many dreams come true...and die...on the ball fields of the Cape." Oh, no, I forgot all about this; baseball movies always use phrases like that to drive home the point that Baseball Is America's Game. Give me a good hockey movie, where they don't use phrases at all, and even words are in short supply. Ryan keeps pontificating; now it's my turn, I'm the guy the scouts will be watching, gonna fly now, flyin' high now. Ryan unrolls a sleeping bag and settles in to sleep on the field, so that he'll be on time to his first practice and "nothing will get in the way of the most important summer of [his] life." Uh-oh...wacky-sense tingling!
In Prinze-o-vision, we see Dede (played by Brittany Murphy -- oh, Britt, I'm glad to see you, but why?) standing over Ryan with a beer bottle between her legs, spilling the beer onto Ryan. Disturbing. Behind them, two of Ryan's teammates are making out with a pair of ladies. "No offense, Dede, but I can't do this tonight. I'm dressed for practice tomorrow. I can't be late, yo!" Oh, God. He is trying an accent. Guess how he's doing. One of Ryan's buddies is a gawky blonde kid; the other guy's tight stocking cap, mustache, and beard make him look like The Edge. Their names are Auggie and Pete, and I'm considering filing suit because I used to hang out with a skinny stoner guy named Auggie. Auggie Doggie complains that they wanted to celebrate with Ryan: "Local boy playin' for the Chatham A's with all those college kids." Yeah, because you know them townies -- they don't hold with the edumacation! This is some karmic payback for all the farm jokes in Cash Crop, isn't it? Ryan protests that he's sworn off women and beer for the summer, and chases his buds off the field. As they pack up, Dede offers Ryan one last chance for sweet lovin'. "I'm gonna be workin' on the Vineyard all summer long, so I just want you to take a good, hard look" -- and here she dips down, the better to flash her cleavage, my dear -- "at what you're passin' up on. So as you spend the rest of your life ridin' that mower up and down the great grass of the Cape" -- she's straddling him now -- "I want you to have that one burning image in your mind of the one that got away." Ryan must have self-esteem issues, because he succumbs. "One beer. That's it." His friends pull away as Dede places the bottle back between her knees.
“ Ryan grabs Dede's panties, an orange thong, as a substitute. There follows a scene of such horror that just thinking about it could drive you completely insane. He puts on the thong. He talks about the thong, and as the sprinklers go off, he runs in the thong. Excuse me. I have to go light myself on fire. ”
Fez's room. Fez's character is named Domo, as we can see by this autographed picture of a Red Sox player. I think it's Nomar again. Fez places a statue of the Virgin Mary to the picture. "Oh, Domo, honey...are you awake?" Fez scrambles into bed and snaps off the light just as Horny Mom opens the door. "Domo, I know you're not sleeping..." Domo remains perfectly motionless until Horny Mom leaves, which I believe is also the same way to escape a bear attack.
Veterans Field. The post-coital amenities are in full swing as Dede swipes Ryan's boxers. "Why do girls always take my underwear?" Because you have a rich fantasy life. Ryan grabs Dede's panties, an orange thong, as a substitute. There follows a scene of such horror that just thinking about it could drive you completely insane. He puts on the thong. He talks about the thong, and as the sprinklers go off, he runs in the thong. Excuse me. I have to go light myself on fire. Ryan's buddies high-five him at the other end of the field, and where the hell did they come from? What, did they just go over there and watch? Christ, I thought Dawson's Creek gave this place a bad name.
Morning. Ryan and Dede are awakened by the sprinklers. Dede pulls on her clothes and tries to wake Ryan, but no dice. My waking-up-at-4:30-AM ass has no sympathy for anyone who can sleep outside on a bright summer morning in direct sunlight while a sprinkler shoots water on him. In the A's locker room, the Coach -- Brian Dennehy -- is chastising a guy with bleached blond hair about his tardiness. Then he starts an inspirational speech. "It's an honor just to be asked to play in the Cape League. I hope you all take pride in that." Outside, Ryan finally achieves something resembling consciousness. In shock, he scrambles for his clothes, which Dede has made off with, and starts pulling on his shoes. Inside, Coach is still giving his speech, which is interrupted when Ryan busts in, holding Dede's clothes around his middle. We get a truly nightmarish close-up of Prinze's hindquarters with a thong jammed into them. Coach is holding a baseball bat and looks like he'd already like to use it. He gives the players their orders and marches over to Ryan. "Strike two. See, I know what happened at that junior college in Framingham, I thought I'd give you a chance..." Well, at least they're getting their geographical references right. "I know you've had a bad loss in your personal life..." Damn, man, you're getting that exposition all over me! "...but I don't have any room on this roster for some hardheaded local wise-ass who thinks the rules don't apply to him. So like I said...strike two." Dun dun DUN!
Later -- or another day -- or years down the line, I don't know, it's not like this movie is interested in telling me -- Ryan drives his truck, trailing the lawnmower behind him. I admit, they found bits of North Carolina that really look like the Cape. Ryan is mowing a house's lawn with a do-rag on his head. As he does, he sees Jessica Biel getting out of her pool in slow-motion. He watches, fascinated. I guess I would be too if I saw somebody moving at half the speed I was. Jessica hos it up as she walks. As he watches, Ryan runs over a flowerbed and slams the mower into a birdfeeder. Jessica finally notices him and grins, thrilled with her own naughtiness. She dives back into the pool, allowing Ryan to resume mowing.
Summer Catch
“ Sheesh. Titanic had a less obvious ending than this. ”
Outside the house, Rand Parrish (Bruce Davison) pulls up as Ryan and his dad (Fred Ward) are reloading the truck. Mr. Dunne tries to introduce Ryan before Rand interrupts: "Fellas, can you do me a favor and not park your trucks on the main driveway here? Just use the service drive from now on. Thanks." Wow. I wonder how much research Davison had to do to play such a rude, elitist -- oh, right, his whole career. Daddy Dunne shrugs it off and asks Ryan about practice, and Coach. Ryan's pissed off because somebody told the coach about his Mom dying. He doesn't want any help from his dad. "I can screw this up on my own." Oh, nobody doubts that.
Night, and Ryan is tooling around in the pickup truck. He goes around a rotary, and I have to believe that they did a little second-unit footage here on the Cape, because as far as I know, every other state in the union has gotten rid of their rotaries. Something about them being "unbelievably dangerous" and "deathtraps."
The Oasis, a local bar. "Bohemian Like You" is on the soundtrack. Ryan, Bru, and Miles file in. I must have missed the part where these three bonded. Ryan orders three Sams from the bartender (Jason Gedrick). He gives Ryan a Look Of Death as he starts pouring out the brew. "I heard my little brother showed up late to practice wearing a skirt." He puts a cocktail umbrella in Ryan's longneck. "Coach Schiffner didn't strike me as the type to find that funny." Damn you, Big Brother Bartender! Damn you, Landscaping Dad! Damn you, Evil Bruce Davison! WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN HIM? WHY? WHY?! Ryan warns BBB about talking to the coach. "Can I tell Dad about the skirt? He'd be so proud." Gedrick's got a pretty good accent goin' here. Of course, it seems to be a New Jersey accent, but... "Gee, I dunno, Mike, I don't wanna dishappoint [sic] him. He set such high standards for us." Ryan takes the longnecks and runs into Auggie and Pete, who's carrying a pitcher. (Of beer. Not the other kind. Gotta watch that when you're recapping a baseball movie.) They invite him to play pool, but he blows them off for his teammates. "Oh, yeah, go Chatham A's." Okay. So later in this film, there will be a scene where Auggie and Pete get all pissed off at Ryan for forgetting where he comes from and daring to dream. Sheesh. Titanic had a less obvious ending than this.
Summer Catch
“ Miles is invited along, as there is bound to be another fat chick at the ice cream shop. Again, HA! Because fat chicks EAT A LOT! I don't know if you got that, but it's true! Fat women eat constantly! Every second of every day! It's funny because it's true! Ha ha ha...fatties. ”
All the A's are sitting around a table, drinking. Bleach Boy is saying that the Dodgers offered him "two mil -- chump change." He's gonna up his price by playing in the Cape League. Sitting to his left is Christian Kane, a.k.a. Lindsey McDonald his own bad self. So is this movie where Buffy and Angel actors go when they've served their purpose and are of no further use? If there's a sequel, will Giles be in it? No, seriously, I can see it now. Summer Catch 2, starring Anthony Stewart Head as a cricket coach who ends up bringing some civility and sportsmanship to the game of baseball. Julie Benz can be his love interest. (What do you want, 7th Heaven jokes? Like I watch that show.) Ryan rolls his eyes, which rouses Bleach Boy's ire. "Oh, Ryan! I didn't recognize you without your bare ass hanging out." Bleach Boy minces through an imitation of Ryan, which I call bold talk for a guy with that hairstyle. Ryan stands up to start something, but Bru pulls him aside. "Meet these ladies, be my wingman and you can get out of here." Bru introduces him as "Ryan Dune" to his friends, Lauren Hodges and Tenley Parrish. Gasp! It's Hot Bikini Girl! How utterly fortuitous! The hell kinda name is "Tenley" anyway? What, weren't there any more pretentious names? Ryan takes a seat to Tenley. She tries to figure out where she's seen him before when Dede comes over with a pitcher of beer. "Look who it is! My favorite lawn-boy! Didn't get that job on the Vineyard, but I still want my underwears back." Ryan glowers as Dede pours on the aggravation. "Where on Earth could my orange thong be? You seem to be disarmingly uncomfortable right now, so why don't you just give me my underwears back?" Ryan can't. He's still wearing them. As Bru snarfs on Lauren, Ryan storms out, Tenley in pursuit.
Outside. "Wait a minute! You're a ballplayer and you wear women's underwear." Come on, that's not so unusual. For instance, Roger Clemens -- is a ballplayer who probably employs powerful attorneys, so I'll stop right now. "What else should I know about you?" Well, he's a Virgo who enjoys good books, walks in the woods, and throwing things at people who hold sticks. "I've been cutting the grass at your summer house for the last six years. We also check the pipes in the winter to keep them from freezing." Tenley says, "We?!" with an expression of snotty disbelief that is both wholly obnoxious and completely inappropriate. "Me and my dad." Ryan gets into his truck, Tenley still smiling at him, and drives off. I hate this movie. I think I'm going to end every paragraph like that. And I don't just mean in this recap; I mean in my everyday life. "Dear Dana, How are things going? I am fine. We just received that package you sent. I hate this movie."
On Veterans Field, the team is practicing. I like baseball scenes. They have very little dialogue. Bleach Boy takes the mound with Bru as the catcher. Bleach Boy's got a special mitt, painted with flames. "Here we go, folks," Coach announces, "the circus act has arrived." Bleach Boy hurls a couple of heaters, then tosses the ball to Ryan, giving it some spin so he drops it. Ryan takes the mound and throws some heat. The Coach proclaims it good, and the practice ends. There's not a whole helluva lot of baseball in this baseball movie, is there? As practice breaks up, Bru and Miles bum a ride with Ryan and talk about the girl Miles met last night. "She was so big, I thought she was twins! She was fat, and that ain't with a 'ph'!" Miles finally admits that perhaps he had been wearing his beer goggles the night before. Because, ha ha, that's the only way somebody would even talk to a bloated cow like that, right? Chuckle chuckle. I want to work this movie over with a baseball bat. (Which would be fairly appropriate, come to think of it.) Bru says that Tenley was asking about Ryan after he left last night, and they've arranged to meet for ice cream tonight. Miles is invited along, as there is bound to be another fat chick at the ice cream shop. Again, HA! Because fat chicks EAT A LOT! I don't know if you got that, but it's true! Fat women eat constantly! Every second of every day! It's funny because it's true! Ha ha ha...fatties.