RevCam waltzes into the CamKitchen through the back door. Because he is a walking cliché, he's bringing Annie a bouquet of roses and a heart-shaped box of candy. But first he has to torture us for a while by dancing around with the roses, and singing tunelessly into the bouquet. Finally Annie stumbles into the kitchen, sporting a majorly frumpy look and a big-time attitude. For some reason, RevCam gets down on one knee to hand her the roses and chocolates. She looked annoyed with him before, but I'll bet this was the final straw. Annie says she doesn't feel like going out for their "big date." When RevCam tries to persuade her to change her mind, she tosses his flowers into the sink and rudely wanders off with the chocolates. Honestly, it's hard to feel for either of these unpleasant characters.
Oh, no! Ed Begley Jr. is going to be on this episode! I'm pleased to report, though, that at least Brenda Hampton didn't write the script. Some far-too-cheerful crappy tune plays in the background during the rest of the credits, as RevCam tries to work up the guts to go into the CamBoudoir and deal with Annie. I'm trying even harder to work up the nerve to deal with the unfortunate reappearance of Uncle Hank. Maybe the special theme of this week's show should have been "Courage." Or they could just call it like it is and name this episode "Boring Heap of Trash," since so far, all we've seen is an endless retread of the Camdens fighting because Annie is menopausal. RevCam is still trying to get her to have dinner and "conversation" with him. He's cancelled their dinner reservations and offered to make a nice meal for two, but Annie's still not receptive to his overtures. Looking extremely irritated with Eric, she puts down her chocolate box and storms into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Never one to take a hint, RevCam calls out, "Dinner for two coming up."
, he pesters Ruthie and Happy for a bit. Ruthie's supposed to be writing a school essay about what she wants to do when she grows up. Ah, there's our first mention of tonight's "work" theme. RevCam suggests she think of things "[she's] talented at and make a list." Ruthie's assertion that "that's gonna be a long list" pretty much proves that math is not among her talents. It's safe to say that giving advice is another skill she doesn't possess, since she insists that RevCam should apologize to SuperMom, even though Eric says he has not wronged Annie in any way.
Back in the hallway, RevCam overhears Simon saying, "May I take your order, please?" He walks into Simon's room to pry into his business. I'd be more inclined to feel bad for Simon that RevCam just walked into his room without knocking, but since Simon's so damn rude to everyone these days, I can't be bothered. I howl with delight when Simon says, "Not that it's any of your business, but I'm practicing my people skills for work." Why, what could possibly make Simon think his people skills are not up to par? Of course, standing in front of a mirror while saying things like, "May I take your order, please?" is probably not going to help any, but if it amuses the viewers, some good comes out of it. RevCam goes off on a boring little speech about how his summer job as a camp counselor showed him how good he was at helping people, and how that eventually led him to the church. Simon just shrugs at Eric, his facial expression clearly saying, "Why the hell are you telling me this?" What is RevCam's point, anyway? Just this: "If the job isn't the right fit for you, maybe you need to find another job." Um, thanks, I think. Simon complains that his parents don't pay for enough stuff for him -- like, you know, the car that his fifteen-year-old ass so richly deserves. Right, my heart sure bleeds for you, Simon. After bitching about having to pay for things like bus fare, Simon stalks off. Eric just rolls his eyes and leaves to find someone else to beleaguer.
Lucy and Robbie suit his purpose nicely. They're laughing chummily, and getting ready to meet some of Robbie's friends at the movies. RevCam tries to lecture them on spending too much time together, but no one's taking his advice very seriously. I'm sure this is all leading up to a future story arc where Lucy and Robbie get it on (well, as much as anyone actually "gets it on" in Glenoak) and Mary freaks out over it. Yawn. You know, it's not too late to back out of that one, writers. I really think you should reconsider it. Maybe you could do more stories about Happy instead, or write an episode revolving around the backyard bird feeder. You could show each of the Camdens adding more birdseed to the feeder, but then just show the birds eating for the rest of the hour. And then all the birds could attack Uncle Hank at the end of the show, while a giant owl swoops down and carries off the neighbour's poodle. My husband's co-worker swears this happened to her neighbour's poodle, and really, it's no less believable than a man's co-workers stealing his prosthetic arm as a joke. Better yet, if it's a sweeps period, the owl could carry off Ruthie. Oh, but where was I? Lucy and Robbie leaving on their date. Right.
Dopey comes downstairs to ask about his parents' "big date." He offers up the entirely inappropriate observation that the CamRents' relationship is not going well these days. However, Eric doesn't take offence. In fact, RevCam continues in the TMI vein by telling Matt that Annie is acting "really, really mean." I can't blame Dopey for wanting to escape this conversation, but then maybe he shouldn't have started it in the first place? We learn that Dopey has cancelled a date to work an extra shift -- a fact which surprises RevCam. I don't think it surprises anyone else, though, since it's been at least three minutes since anyone mentioned the "work" theme, so it's obviously overdue. When Dopey says, "My work at the clinic is very important to me," RevCam pretends that he's about to cry. I don't have to pretend, since we're not even a quarter of the way through the show yet, and this episode already feels like it's been going on for hours.
is an utterly pointless scene in which the leader of Mary's firefighter training course talks about relay races and teamwork. Mary glares at her co-workers a lot and sighs rudely throughout.
Outside the movie theatre, Lucy is interrogating Robbie about his friends. Robbie admits that he only invited one friend, Hugh. Since I have no idea what Hugh's last name is, I'm just going to assume it's Jass. Lucy is upset that Robbie is trying to set her up, and says that she's not over Jeremy yet. Robbie says, "What you and Jeremy had was special, and it may be a long time before you are truly attracted to another man." Ah, yes, Lucy's relationship with two-guest-star-appearance Jeremy was truly, monumentally special, but it doesn't look like Lucy's going to have any problem moving on once she sees Hugh and deems him "cute, really cute." I would have said "pretty," actually, but nobody asked me. I am mildly curious about the size of his ass, though.
Dopey arrives at the clinic to see the waiting room totally packed with patients. A nurse behind the front desk orders him to get to work cleaning out and restocking exam rooms. Instead, Dopey walks over to a patient and says, "We have to stop meeting like this." I don't recall ever seeing her before, but I think it's safe to say that continuity has never been a priority on this show. Dopey demonstrates his exemplary orderly skills by questioning the patient about her medical problems. My parents were visiting me on the weekend, and while my dad just rolled his eyes thirty seconds into the show and left to play Solitaire on my computer, my mom gamely sat with me and tried to watch. At this point, though, she asked, "What the heck? Why is the orderly diagnosing the patients?" I had to explain that Glenoak is a very special place -- a place where sympathy is a bad thing, and where nobody feels the need to suffer under the constrictions of logic. It's a place where stalking is commendable, and people are praised for taking action, even if these people are utterly unqualified to be taking any action in the situation. My mother said, "I don't think I can watch this anymore," and left to peel vegetables for dinner. I sighed rudely and went back to glaring at the TV.
Back in the clinic, the patient explains to Dopey that she didn't want to come back to the clinic, since she always gets treated by the same doctor, and she's sure that he's misdiagnosing her problem as heartburn. Dopey's supervisor calls out, "Camden!" and gives him a "what the fuck?" look. He tells the patient that he has to get to work, but that he will keep an eye on her. Is that supposed to be reassuring? Will he clean the exam table extra-well for her? Or does he mean he's planning on stalking her after work? The patient falls for his line, though, saying "Sometimes I think you're the only one who cares around here." Okay, that's great, but maybe Dopey should also care about the scores of other women who would probably like to get on with their exams but can't, since Dopey is busy playing doctor instead of doing his job and prepping the exam rooms.
Simon arrives late to work. And where is he working? At Pete's Pizza, of course. I think he may be too young to serve drinks at the pool hall, and Glenoak only has two restaurants. Simon tries to tell Pete that he has "a good excuse" for being late -- the fact that he had to take two buses to work. What a dolt. Pete manages to stay calm, though, as he tells Simon to clock in and get to work. Pete must have the patience of a saint.
In the CamKitchen, RevCam is preparing his special dinner for two when Annie comes in to tell him she's going out. Unlike me, RevCam actually wants to know where she's going. She won't tell him, though. He's desperate enough to follow Ruthie's advice and apologize to his wife. Annie asks, "For what?" RevCam's answer is, "For whatever I did that made you so angry." How much more unlikable could either of these people get? Wait -- I'm sorry I mentioned anything. Please, writers, don't take that as a dare.
Dopey goes up to the nurse at the front desk and asks, "Where's that doctor who hates me?" The nurse points out that all the doctors hate Dopey. Haw! She tells him that Dr. Kent is the only doctor on duty. Inexplicably, Dopey feels the need to go up to Dr. Kent and attempt to discuss Gina Miller, the patient Matt had been talking to earlier. At least someone in Glenoak has some sense of propriety, for Dr. Kent tells him, "I don't discuss patients with the janitors." When Dopey stupidly brags that he's an orderly and is in the pre-med program, Dr. Kent replies, "So when you graduate med school, you can come back here and we'll talk about Tina all you like." What happened? Did someone forget to lock the 7th Heaven production offices one night and an actual good writer slipped in and wrote a scene? I have the unsettling feeling we're supposed to feel mad at the doctor for getting Gina's name wrong, but I'm just glad someone finally put the loathsome Dopey in his place.
At least I thought someone had put him in his place, but it seems the Dopester is unstoppable. He wastes some more of the clinic's time by going over to Gina and apologizing that his meddling in her business was so unsuccessful. When Gina thanks him and says that she will just wait her turn, Dopey says, "No, you won't. I'm gonna get you a doctor." Okaaay -- so are we supposed to admire that Dopey is somehow going to bump this patient ahead of all the others who have been waiting even longer than she has? Because then somebody from the show is going to have to explain to me why that would be a deed to admire. Really, I don't get it.
In the CamKitchen, RevCam is sharing his romantic dinner for two with Ruthie, the twins, and Happy. Hey, bad as that may be, it's probably a better time than he would have had with SuperMom. Ruthie tries to cheer him up by dissing his cooking. RevCam retaliates by pressuring her to consider becoming a minister.
Serena is delivering what may be the single most trite piece of advice I have ever heard on this show. She says, "That's the key: finding what makes you happy and doing it." You know, words like that truly belong on an inspirational fridge magnet. In fact, that's probably where she picked them up. Serena revises history by claiming that she's got a great relationship with her daughter, then goes on to joke about all the men she's seeing, including the odious James from last season. She rounds off the conversation with another platitude that is sure to change Annie's life: "You do so much for so many people; maybe you need to do just something for yourself." Thanks, Serena. The time I need someone to state the obvious, I'll give you a call.
Mary receives a call from Rick, her supervisor at the firehouse. As he's telling her that he's been going over her file and that there may be a problem with her training, Mary's call waiting beeps. Like a dumb-ass, she actually answers it. Of course, it's slack-jawed Billy Campbell-wannabe Wilson, phoning to ream her out for not running his errands. Mary tells him she's talking to her supervisor and that she'll call Wilson back. After she hangs up on him, he stares dumbly at the phone. For some reason, Mary finds it necessary to tell her supervisor that it was her boyfriend on the other line, as if that somehow makes it all right that she'd cut Rick off to answer call waiting. When Rick starts to repeat that he's been going over her file, Mary cuts him off to say that she knows she hasn't been doing as well as her classmates, but she's been working very hard. How professional of her -- especially when she chooses to answer her call waiting again. Is she aware that just because someone else calls her, she's not required to pick up the phone? It's not like the phone will explode if you don't answer call waiting. Besides, how the hell could the person who's calling her be more important than her boss? Nevertheless, Mary interrupts Rick's call again. Of course, it's Wilson. Just what part of "I'll call you back later" did he not understand? Okay, okay, I realize that it's Wilson I'm talking about, and that he is a total tool. Mary cuts him off again to get back to a really annoyed-looking Rick, who tells her that if her skills don't improve within two weeks, he's going to drop her from the training program. Mary's answer is to sigh. There's an awful lot of that happening in this episode. Is it possible that the writers are already feeling burnt out and can't be bothered to write dialogue?
Pete has called Simon over for a talk. Simon thinks he's about to be fired, which he pre-empts by quitting. At least he thanks Pete for giving him a chance, though. I'm a little shocked that a character actually said something polite on this show, but I guess that sort of thing will slip through occasionally, despite the writers' best efforts to prevent it.
Oh, yuck -- it's Uncle Hank. Dopey has taken it upon himself to call him down to the clinic to examine Gina. You see, Matt doesn't agree with Dr. Kent's diagnosis, so I guess he's calling in his own specialists now. After a whole lot of sighing, Uncle Hank agrees to see Gina. Because Dopey's not actually, you know, a doctor or anything, he has set up Gina in a chair in the hallway. I'm surprised he only has her sitting there, and not lying down, spread-eagled, all ready for a gynecological exam. Uncle Hank asks her some questions, then says he will be right back. Even though Dopey's not actually, you know, a doctor or anything, he feels the need to discuss Gina's case with Hank. Hank cuts him off to ask the clinic nurse for an exam room, an ultrasound machine, and Gina's medical chart. It turns out that Hank really does have privileges at the clinic -- not that a lack of privileges would have stopped him, I imagine. Hank walks off, and Dopey sighs. The nurse tells him, "When Dr. Kent finds out what you did, you're going to be in some serious trouble." Personally, I hope Dr. Kent tortures him cruelly.
RevCam's cleaning up the kitchen when Annie comes back home. He feigns delight to see her, but she doesn't seem to care. She makes the announcement that she has decided to quit college. Okay, let's see a show of hands from anyone who cares. No, for real. Anyone?
RevCam follows his wife up to the CamBoudoir, where Annie is making a phone call. That won't stop RevCam from trying to have a conversation with her, though. Do all the people involved in the creation of this show come from a part of the country where phones are unheard of? I'm just trying to come up with some sort of explanation, no matter how farfetched, for why every single character seems to struggle with even the most rudimentary aspects of how to operate a telephone. Like a hyperactive child, RevCam insists that he wants to talk to Annie now. When Annie again explains that she's on the phone, RevCam asks her if she wants him to leave. That would be nice.
As he's leaving the CamBoudoir, Eric feigns screaming. Ruthie catches him at it, and she's just about as amused as I am. At least I'm not wearing an ugly white sweatshirt with pictures of horses' heads on it, though. I wonder if the back of the sweatshirt has horses' asses on it.
Speaking of which, Lucy is playing a flirty game of pool with her new friend, Hugh Jass. Robbie's watching them morosely from the bar. When the bartender asks who Lucy's new boyfriend is, Robbie goes off into a long speech about how it was time for Lucy to start dating again, and that it wasn't right for Lucy to be spending all her time with Robbie. He says it's time for her to move on. The bartender says, "I guess it's just not time for you to move on, huh?" No, and we all saw this storyline coming decades ago, so let's not waste any more time on this grand revelation, please.
Back East, in "New York," Mary is talking to her new best friend and confidante, George. He's trying to cheer her up about how poorly she's doing in her firefighter training course. He waxes inspirational with, "You were willing to sacrifice anything so you could become a firefighter. Face it -- you love it. It's the perfect job for you." Excuse me? Has George been watching the same series the rest of us have? Mary casually decided to become a firefighter when she found out she was too young to be a police officer, so I'm not sure just how the "sacrifice" part got in there. George thinks he knows it all, though. He continues by insulting Mary's boyfriend: "Wilson thinks the perfect job for you is taking care of him and Billy." I'm sure that was appreciated. And just in case he hasn't made enough of an ass of himself yet, George tells Mary that she's not being fair to Billy by being just Wilson's girlfriend and not his wife. George seems to think that single parents shouldn't date. Why is that? Because his mother used to date, and whenever she brought home a new boyfriend, George would think this was going to be his new father. He continues, "And when [the boyfriends] left, which they all did, I got my heart broken over and over again." That is one of the most fucking brainless things I have ever heard. I'm sorry George was stupid enough to believe that about each new boyfriend of his mother's, and it sounds like his mother didn't handle these situations as well as she could have, but to listen to George spew his twisted views on life, you'd think every single parent should just leech onto the first available spousal candidate and hold on for life. George throws out some more twaddle about a woman's place in society: "You want to be a firefighter, not a stay-at-home mom. It's not fair to Billy to let him think you're going to be something in his life that you're not going to be." Who said anything about Mary being a stay-at-home mom? Isn't George the one who's assuming that? When Mary asks why she can't be both a firefighter and a mom, George says, "You have to decide what's more important to you: being a firefighter or taking care of Wilson and Billy." I sincerely hope George is planning to drive over to Wilson's place and let him know that he'll have to choose between being a father and having a job. No, I really, really do. Because if George doesn't do that, I'm going to get in my car, drive down to Buffalo, and implant my boot in his ass. You know, I may just have to do that anyway, because George annoys me that much.
Pete asks Simon about some piece of paper that he found which has Simon's handwriting on it. Of course, he felt compelled to read it without permission. It's a proposal that Simon wrote up about how Pete could streamline his supply purchasing. Trust me, it's really very dull, even though Pete looks impressed by it.
Annie goes into Ruthie's room to ask her about her essay. Ruthie has finally decided what she wants to be when she grows up. She tells Annie: "I want to be you." She lists off some of the skills Annie uses as a homemaker, such as plumbing, electrical work, fixing cars and managing money. It's actually a nice tribute to homemakers, though it in no way makes up for George's cloddish musings from a few minutes ago. Annie kind of brushes it off to ask Ruthie if she'd mind Annie being at her school a few days a week. Ruthie doesn't mind, nor does she think to question why Annie would be at her school.
RevCam asks her, though, as soon as she leaves Ruthie's room. When SuperMom accuses him of spying on her, he replies, in frustration, "Yes, that's what I've been reduced to: spying." I don't know how Stephen Collins got that comment on the lameness of his role past the producers. Annie walks off, shaking her head in disgust. RevCam looks heavenward and demands that God make Annie talk to him.
At the clinic, Dopey is still avoiding doing any work while he hangs out with Hank, pretending that his opinions are of use to his uncle. Dr. Kent storms in and fires Dopey, telling him that "around here, orderlies don't second-guess doctors." Hank suggests that they should. Right, Hank -- great idea. Even though, in this case, it was actually the patient herself who realized Dr. Kent's diagnosis was misinformed, let's give the Dopester all the credit. After all, he's an orderly. After explaining that Gina is suffering from an ectopic pregnancy, Hank gets to give a pompous speech entitled "What Medicine Means To Me." Then he tries to fire Dr. Kent. I'll bet someone pointed out to the writer that Hank probably couldn't legally fire anyone from the clinic, which must be why the writer added something about Hank being on the clinic's board of directors. That still doesn't sound totally legal to me, but I guess it's good enough for Glenoak. After Dr. Kent leaves, the nurse comes over to point out that since Dr. Kent was the only doctor on duty at the clinic, there is no one to look after the rest of the patients. Hank says that he will attend to them. Dopey nobly offers to do whatever he can to help. It sounds like he means he'd like to treat some of the patients himself, but I think that would be too irresponsible even for this show. Dopey offers to put in his own time to assist his uncle. I'd commend him for that, if it weren't for the fact that he is in no way qualified to practice medicine! Hank smiles proudly at him just the same. Dopey sighs in what he probably thinks is a very doctorly manner. I just hope the clinic has its malpractice insurance up to date.
At the pool hall, Lucy is nowhere to be seen. Robbie is trying to get Hugh Jass to leave, saying that Lucy asked him to do so. I highly doubt that's true, but I'm sort of glad to see the old weaselly Robbie back in action. He's a lot more entertaining than pious Robbie Camden. At first, Hugh Jass finds it hard to believe that Lucy doesn't want to see him, but eventually he leaves. When Lucy returns, Robbie tells her that Hugh left because "he wasn't having a very good time." Lucy looks crestfallen. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help myself.
Wilson calls Mary to bitch at her about not taking good enough care of him and Billy. And the dickhead is surprised when Mary hangs up on him? Wilson calls her back to snottily say, "I think we got disconnected." He's probably hoping to make her feel guilty for hanging up on him, but to her credit, Mary just repeats the experience for him. Wilson stares at the phone in shock. Since Wilson is so utterly mentally deficient, it falls to little Billy to be the voice of reason in this scene. He points out that his father has been asking Mary to do too many things for them lately. The Billys agree that this is not fair. Here's Wilson's reasoning: "It's not like we're married. It's not like she's your mom or my wife." You can see Wilson struggling to form a thought. I'm afraid that thought will turn into a marriage proposal eventually. You see, if they're married, Wilson thinks, he can totally ask her to do whatever he wants. Bonus!
RevCam's folding laundry in the CamKitchen when Annie comes in. She says she's finally ready to talk to him. He looks nervous. Annie tells him that Ruthie's school principal is planning to add a "morals" class to the school curriculum, and that she'd asked Annie to teach the course. Ugh -- on both counts. Annie says turning down that offer is what's made her so unhappy lately. Wait -- but I thought it was menopause. In any case, Annie decided to call Ruthie's principal back and accept the job offer, so now she's magically happy and normal again -- well, as normal or happy as she's ever been, I guess. Does this mean we're finally done with the menopause story arc? I hope so. I don't care if it's unrealistic for her to get over menopause so quickly; I just want that storyline to end. Annie explains that she likes to be around children, and that's why she's going to be teaching this class. She hasn't forgotten about the twins, has she? I think it's great for her to combine motherhood with a career; I'm just not sure I understand her reasoning for taking this particular job. Then again, if this is the excuse they're going to use to wrap up the whole menopause thing, I'll quit complaining. And how do they explain away all the fighting between the CamRents? It seems Annie has needed to talk to women more, or…something. I'm not sure. It doesn't really explain why she's been treating Eric so badly, but I supposed a half-assed explanation is better than nothing. Actually, it's probably more insulting than nothing, but I'm just trying to stay upbeat, since we're so close to the end of the episode.
Annie and RevCam are holding court in the CamBoudoir as each of the kids comes in to share stories about his or her day. Ruthie tells them about her essay. Simon says he's been promoted by Pete, though he doesn't have a job title -- or even a job description -- but it all has something to do with how Simon likes to work with numbers. Dopey drops a bombshell when he informs the CamRents that he wants to be a gynecologist. To his credit, at least Barry Watson seems to be playing this for laughs. Thank God! The idea of visiting a gynecologist who is afraid of condoms and can barely say the word "pregnant" is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. After Dopey leaves, Annie points out that they're "missing two kids." She and Eric talk about Lucy's and Robbie's alleged budding romance for long enough that you just know the scene has to involve the alleged budding romance in question.
Sure enough, Robbie confesses his feelings to Lucy. He says, "Tonight, when I saw you with another guy, I went crazy!" He has to clarify that a little further for Lucy to understand it, though. Eventually he gets around to trying to kiss her, and the look of horror on her face as she moves out of the way is pretty funny.
Down at the firehouse, Mary is picking up a very big hose. Wilson comes by to talk, but Mary brushes him off, apparently finding the large hose to be better company than Wilson. Wilson's apology -- "I've been foolish and selfish; I've been an idiot" -- could have been written by me, except I would have gone on for a while longer about all his other repulsive qualities. Wilson does say that he's been taking her for granted, but he offers to make it up to her by asking her to be his wife and Billy's mother. Then it will be okay if he yells at her for not picking up his dry cleaning, or for not reminding him to pay his electric bill. Then she has to buy bananas for Billy. He offers her a diamond ring. I don't get a real good look at it, but I'm sure a guy who's classy enough to wear diamond-y things on his ties sure would know a lot about picking out an engagement ring. Still, Mary does not exactly look thrilled by his proposal. Hey, who would be?
week, I assume we can look forward to Mary's answer, plus a lot more sighing from everyone.