It's quiet and dark. RevCam's sitting in his lair, writing in his journal. We get to see the entry he's just written, which says, "Tuesday 4 AM. I cannot get this revelation out of my mind, or the possible consequences when it's revealed." At first I thought he'd had an actual revelation. I thought maybe one of the kids had spilled something on the stairs and he'd comically fallen down and conked his head. Then he could have had a vision that his doctor would have excused as something medically caused, but RevCam would have milked it for every pseudo-religious drop. Still, I found it remarkable that RevCam would experience a revelation, at all. And to whom was he going to reveal it? The media? I thought of all these things for about three quarters of a second, and then I noticed that RevCam's journal entry was visible on my screen. I paused the VCR and read this: "Why do I worry so much? When you look at it plainly, things almost always work out. Had a great talk with Mary who seems to be doing better and better. I miss her so much. Patience." At first glance, the reader is forced to ask, "Trite much?" However, the emphasis on the reverend's intense craving for his daughter's company leaves an ominous aftertaste that I wish I could ignore. Run, Mary! RUN!
RevCam meets John's dad, the Reverend H, at his church. Rev H is bitching because he hasn't had lunch and would have preferred meeting over a meal. RevCam ignores this in favor of beginning a long, long flashback sequence. We see some of the Camdens around the breakfast table. Annie is flying off the handle because "something's going on" with her dad and his girlfriend Ginger. She has no real evidence for this, but what does that matter? Ruthie asks her parents to sign a petition. One of her teachers, Mrs. Miller, is allegedly being fired. Annie reacts emotionally. Big strong patriarch RevCam says that he'll have to get some more information before he makes a decision. Annie sees that her teenage CamSpawn have already signed, so she adds her name to theirs. "Students who don't believe Mrs. Miller should be fired," she reads aloud. Ruthie runs off, and Robbie walks in. He tells us that he doesn't sign petitions or even vote. RevCam says, "That's criminal," and then, "Register to vote, today!" Then he was about to say, "Come over here, young man, and lie across my lap so that I can heartily spank your taut yet supple buttocks," but he couldn't, because Robbie brought up Grandpa and Ginger. Nice to know that Robbie's assimilating the CamGramps now. He leaves, and Annie speculates about her dad breaking up with Ginger and moving into the CamPound. RevCam reveals that Mary has been dating Wilson. Annie worries because he was a teen dad. RevCam the Voice of Masculine Reason tries to teach his wife's pretty little head to be reasonable. She runs out the door to the university, where they're probably trying to teach her to be independent, logical, and non-submissive. Luckily, she won't have to study too hard, because she has her dear hubby to do all the thinking for her when anything important happens.
Rev H wonders why the hell he's sitting there listening to RevCam's crap instead of eating lunch somewhere. RevCam pretends that he's going to get to the point soon. We flash back to him sitting in his church office, talking to Ruthie's principal on the phone. She says that Mrs. Miller wasn't fired, but that she's also not coming back the year. Annie's dad walks in. Ms. MacKoul says she's planning to meet with Ruthie the day, and RevCam is invited to join them. RevCam hangs up the phone and then asks Grandpa a bunch of intrusive questions about the whereabouts and knowledge of Ginger, patronizing and irritating him. Matt walks in and colloquially asks his grandfather what he's doing there. "If I wanted you to know, I would have driven by the hospital and told you," says the suddenly lovable old man. Matt has come all the way to his father's office to inform him that Mary is definitely dating Wilson. That's pretty freaking sad, if you ask me. Grandpa interjects, "I thought she was back together with that kid that's living at your house." RevCam supplies Robbie's name. Grandpa defensively explains that it's not Alzheimer's making him forget the name. "I mean, you have seven of your own, plus that extra one. I just couldn't remember, because I couldn't remember." Matt hangs around after his extra-credit snoopery, and Grandpa asks why he didn't just call with the information. Matt says it's because Robbie and Mary are tying up the phone lines with screaming arguments. Then he says he should probably get to work. "Goodbye," Grandpa tells him dismissively. Ha. Grandpa rules. He tells Matt not to tell Annie he's there.
Rev H is rather cranky. The story's going too slow, and he's hungry. I know exactly how he feels. RevCam does that comic not-caring-about-other-people's-feelings thing that's so popular on this show. At long, long last, we get to the point. RevCam says he told Grandpa that Annie wasn't crazy about Wilson being a teen dad. We flash back to Grandpa freaking out over this. "Oh, yeah...it's always the guy's fault!" he says. "Isn't it enough that Wilson suffered through the loss of his wife? Isn't it enough that he took responsibility for the child? Isn't it enough that he's a single father, going through college? I mean, how good do you want the guy to be before he can go out with your daughter?" Go, Grandpa! "Young people fall in love. They have sex. They father children. They grow up and they become responsible parents who work hard and do the best they can, and sometimes they never emotionally recover from the heartache of what other people call their mistake." RevCam says, "Why do I get the feeling we're not talking about Wilson?" I like that he picked up on the subtlety of Grandpa's transference. "Because we're talking about me. Annie has a sister," Grandpa says with the piano swelling under him. Surprised as hell, RevCam sits down slowly. And it's not a moment too soon, either, because I was getting sick of looking at the pukey stained-glass window behind him. Out of the flashback scene, Rev H says, "Wow." I bet he still wishes he had gone to lunch instead, though.
Let's switch over to SpyCam2, shall we? Her name is Annie. She just happens to be driving by Reverend Hampton's church, and her eagle eye notices RevCam's vehicle parked in front. RevCam is telling Rev H, "Besides, what if this woman just comes to Annie and tells her?" when Annie walks in and eavesdrops. Rev H tells Eric to tell Annie this afternoon. RevCam realizes that he has to meet Ruthie's principal right then. Annie hides as he runs off. Then she confronts Rev H, asking, "Is Eric having an affair?" Rev H says no, but won't tell her what he was talking about. Annie gives him an icy look and runs out the door. I don't think Catherine Hicks should be running. I suspect she's pregnant because she has her hands in these two pockets on the front of her coat, and she's holding them out in front of her unnaturally. Catherine Hicks, if you're reading this and you're pregnant, tell the rest of the staff that you aren't running any more on the set. On the other hand, if you're not pregnant, then quit walking with your hands in your pockets like that.
RevCam sees Annie's car as he's getting into his own. Annie's car has California plates. Mm HMM. So now we know. He peels out, pretending not to see Annie coming out of the church after him. "ERIC!" she yells, and then she stomps her feet and shakes her fists just like Rumpelstiltskin.
Lucy and Simon are in detention with a bunch of other brats. Michael "Lieutenant Worf" Dorn walks in and shows the kids a copy of the petition that Ruthie was passing around. Lucy makes a scared face, probably because she left her Vulcan war bird uncloaked. Michael Dorn passes around a bunch of other petitions and asks the kids to decide whether or not they'd sign those.
Robbie and Matt discuss the fact that Ruthie's petition made the news. There's speculation that Ms. MacKoul is a racist. We see Mrs. Miller on the TV screen. Looking surprised and upset, Matt says that he knows her. "Well, I hope so. You signed the petition," says Robbie-Come-Obviously.
Ruthie bitches out Ms. MacKoul as RevCam enters the principal's office. Ruthie goes on and on about how wrong it is to fire a good female teacher because she's black. Ms. MacKoul does the respectful, fair adult thing, instead of telling Ruthie to shut her smart mouth. She does the "I'm surprised -- I thought you were a leader, not a follower" line and then, strangely, leaves for the day, leaving Ruthie and RevCam in her office. RevCam wants to go home and regroup. Ruthie says something vicious about teaming up against Ms. MacKoul and, as usual, gets a verbal slap on the wrist from her parent. It's not even as bad as a slap on the wrist, actually. It's more like an accidental brush across the knuckles, actually.
Lucy tells Lt. Worf that she doesn't understand any of the issues on the petitions handed out. When Worf reveals that the kids are experiencing a little lesson and not a real detention, all the kids except the CamBrats leave. Dang, they're suck-ups. Worf informs us that Mrs. Miller is his sister, and the oboe sings, "You're so busted! But I'm so sad!" as he leaves. I think about how Worf used to be my favorite character on Star Trek: The Generation (STTNG). I used to think he was sort of sexy. I remember that in one episode, he told Ryker that he didn't like making love to human women, because he had to restrain himself too much. Then, after that, he hooked up with Deanna Troi. I remember wondering if he had to restrain himself with her, or if she didn't count as human, or if she just liked it rough, or what. I also remember working as a substitute teacher a few months after the whole series was in syndication only. I spent a class period talking to a girl in the Advanced Math and Science program. She told me that Worf was her favorite STTNG character. I wondered what she made of the rough sex/Deanna Troi dilemma. I thought it would be inappropriate to ask, though, so I just kept my own counsel on that one. You can email me if you have any ideas, though.
What? The video's still running? Oh. Okay. Annie tells Ruthie something, and she runs upstairs. RevCam walks in, and Annie asks why he peeled out from the church when he undoubtedly saw her hopping up and down in his rearview mirror. Lucy and Simon burst in and act like people care about their problems. Matt walks in and announces that all the Camden petition-signers made a mistake. Then Grandpa walks in, surprising everyone. Annie hugs him. RevCam says, "I haven't had a chance to talk to Annie," as if she's not standing right there and as if it were somehow his duty to tell her her own father's business. "The news is coming on!" one of the CamBrats yells. Goofy stares abound, on into the commercials.
The whole fam damily (tm Mr. Stupidhead) sits around the TV and makes stupid remarks while waiting for Ms. MacKoul's appearance on the news. Mrs. Miller's there, too. She wanted the kids to think she was fired rather than to know the truth. Hmm. I wonder what it could be? Is she a child molester? Did she kill someone? Does she have AIDS? Has she been declared insane? Was she caught embezzling? Has she been stalking Ms. MacKoul? No...no...she has breast cancer. No..."advanced" breast cancer. Okay. Yeah -- that's a reason to be secretive as hell. Ruthie's all pseudo-penitent. Matt spills all the personal business he learned about Mrs. Miller at his work. RevCam gives Robbie a dirty look, because if Robbie had registered to vote, none of this would have ever happened. Annie tells the kids to go upstairs and think about what they've done, even though Robbie didn't even sign the petition.
With RevCam's holy guidance and interference, Grandpa tells Annie about his secret love child. He tried to find the child but couldn't, but now she's back, blah blah blah. "No! I'm his only daughter! I'm your only daughter!" Annie yells before running out of the room. Oh, shut up, Annie. God. How childish. RevCam follows her upstairs just so that Grandpa can sneak out of the house while he's gone. RevCam calls his best buddy for this episode, Rev H. Rev H pretends he cares, and RevCam makes a face like he just got hit by a bus.
Robbie and Annie give the twins their daily dose of attention. The lights flicker on and off, and they say inane things about that. Annie comes downstairs, and RevCam explains why none of the kids are there. The two of them yak about the petition for a moment, and then Annie admits that she was a big, immature freaking baby about her dad's news. Except that she didn't say it in that way. RevCam tells Annie everything that her dad's thinking, because she can't deal with anything on her own because she's just a woman. She's just a girl. She's just a girl in the world. She should fall on her knees and thank God that He sent her a man to run her life. We learn that Annie's new sister is on the way to the CamPound. Hmm. I wonder if this new character was ever on The Love Boat or Models, Inc.
Lucy, Simon, and Matt tell Worf that they're sorry about his sister and the petition and everything. Rev H walks up and introduces himself as the minister of the First African Methodist Episcopal Church. Worf says, all quick-like, "Uh, I quit going to church a long time ago...so did my sister..." and Rev H tells him, "I'm not soliciting memberships." Ha. I wonder how often he has to say that. Rev H offers the services of his congregation and RevCam's, and of the students and staff at Ruthie's school. Some of the posters on our forum wondered if there were some insidious significance to the fact that Rev H is the one offering help to the black tertiary character in this episode. I don't think so, though. I think Rev H is allowed to offer churchly help to anyone as long as it doesn't involve interpreting the will of God. See, if the doctors had told Mrs. Miller that she only had a certain percent chance to live, then RevCam would have stepped in to ask if they had cleared it with God first. That's his job. He tells people they forgot to check with God. I wonder how much God pays him for that. We learn that Ruthie and the other brats at her school set up some committee or something on Mrs. Miller's behalf. Yeah, whatever. Worf says some stuff about his sister realizing that a bunch of meddling kids love her. I bet he's really thinking about how disappointed he was when the STTNG movie franchise didn't take off.
Ruthie calls Ms. MacKoul and pretends to be sorry about her earlier rudeness. Then she tells the principal her family's business. Then someone yells out her name and she has to hang up. Filler scene much?
The whole CamClan is in the living room again. RevCam tells them Grandpa's business while Annie stands there like a stupider-than-usual scarecrow. Then she tells the kids that she needs them there for her meeting with the New Sister. She babbles on and on about her sadness and jealousy. The CamRents go around the whole living room and tell each kid how groovy he or she is and how he or she can be expected to help Annie through this drama. Then each kid says something smarmy in return, and they all finish just in time for the knock on the door.
Grandpa and Lilly the New Sister are there. Lilly in introduced to the whole freaking gang. We learn that she's from Chicago. She's played by some woman who was on Melrose Place, I think. ["It's 'Mama' Michelle Phillips, who has turned into a total WB guest-star whore." -- Sars] I lost interest when I found out that Ruthie's principal was in The Craft, which is one of the few videos that I own. She played Neve Campbell's doctor. Oh, and I think she was the braless heiress on Seinfeld, too ["yep, and Charlie's girlfriend on Po5 for a while" -- Sars], but I only care about melodramatic teen flicks and nothing else. The kids ask Lilly a bunch of nosy questions. Lilly's parents died and she was compelled to search for her birth parents and blah blah blah. I don't even care, because I doubt we'll see this woman for more than one episode after this. Lilly is touched that the Camdens are meeting with her. Annie and her dad run off to the kitchen. Ruthie tells Lilly, "You want us to tell you about the one who got sent off to Buffalo?"
In the kitchen, Annie admits that this is the first time she's seen her dad as a person and not just a father. Okay -- doesn't everyone else in the universe go through that phase in their late teens or early twenties? Annie says something about not having regrets and then hugs her dad and then, thank God, the episode's over.
See? This show made me give thanks to God. The brainwashing works, after all.
week: We learn that skanky-ass Mary did something shocking with Lucy's long-distance boyfriend Jeremy. Dang -- aren't bus stations too dirty for that sort of thing?