"Can the Camdens protect Robbie from the father who abandoned him and now wants him back?" the announcer asks in the last-minute promo. My question is, "Can the audience care less?"
On the phone in her room, Lucy wraps up her storyline with Jeremy. He had to move "East" because his father got a job with the Philharmonic. We see that Lucy is telling this to her friend Ashley's mom, Serena. Ashley tells Serena to quit hogging Lucy. Serena bids "Luce" goodbye and passes the phone to her daughter. Then she suggests that the three of them go play pool that evening. Lucy enthusiastically agrees, telling Ashley, "Your mom is so un-mom-like!" Why do I just know that Serena is the bad guy in this episode? Because Serena was the name of Samantha Stephens's evil twin, that's why. Way to connote, Mr. Spelling.
RevCam walks in on Simon and Simon's Friend O' the Week air-guitaring to some loud rock instrumental. I'm seeing Simon's new hairstyle for the first time, and it's frightening me badly. His friend looks exactly like Shawn from Boy Meets World. I wonder if they're related, but the opening credits don't tell me the actor's name. RevCam tells Simon to get his history paper done. Simon says he will, and then goes back to screwing off when his dad leaves.
RevCam goes downstairs, where Ruthie and her beribboned, newly straightened hair ask for a make-up kit. RevCam says no, and Ruthie pouts like a brat.
In the kitchen, StuporMom grosses me out by grunting contentedly when RevCam kisses her. Her hair took a turn under the straightening iron, too, and it's not an improvement. Alan Thicke knocks at the back door. He introduces himself as Ed Palmer in a drunk-sounding voice. He's Robbie's father, he informs the CamRents. Whoop dee doo for him.
Ruthie runs down to the kitchen to be nosy about Robbie's father. Then she hints around about the make-up. Annie tells her no. Ruthie stomps out. RevCam comes in, and he and Annie agree on their dislike of Ed Palmer. They go into the living room with a tray of coffee. "Did you have to go to Colombia for that coffee?" Ed asks. Then he starts handing out a lot of bullshit about leaving Robbie to help his sick parents, and working for the Peace Corps in France in the seventies. Annie calls him on that last bit, and he asks her to go make him a sandwich. On the one hand, Alan Thicke's doing a good job of acting like a punk. On the other hand, his punkocity is over the top. Why would anyone -- even the Camdens -- put up with behavior like that? Annie gets up to make the sandwich, like the spineless loser she is. She's wearing a big black jacket or sweater that makes me wonder if Catherine Hicks is pregnant in real life. Ed makes chauvinistic comments about Annie, and RevCam just sits there and takes it. I guess that's What Jesus Would Do (WJWD.)
Annie's angrily making the sandwich when Simon walks into the kitchen and whines that his friend Keith's parents never bug Keith about homework, and that they gave Keith a car. Annie tells Simon to get over it. He sighs and leaves, flashing his big bling-bling earrings as he goes. (I said "bling-bling." I'm so damned cool.) Wasn't there a very special episode about Simon not being allowed to wear earrings a while back? Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe I'm starting to hallucinate, like Ally McBeal. Maybe the constant family values are starting to get to me. There's a knock at the back door. It's Serena and Serena's cleavage. Lucy runs up and squeals, "That's my shirt!" at Serena. StuporMom already looks pissed. Serena borrowed Lucy's shirt from Ashley, and she's sporting one of those asymmetrical parts that are all the rage. She says something about Jeremy moving away, and Annie's annoyed because she didn't know about it. Ashley and RevCam show up. Annie does the introductions, and RevCam acts surprised that Serena is Ashley's mom. "People always think we're sisters," Serena says. "No, mom, that's what you always tell them," her daughter says cold-bloodedly. Serena smirks and leads the youngsters away while RevCam pops wood and Annie grimaces.
Ruthie calls Mary late that night, waking her up to ask her for advice on the make-up kit. She has the money to buy it, but no one will drive her to the store. She cites Mary as the authority on disobeying the CamRents. Mary refuses to help her, and they hang up. Then Matt walks in, and Ruthie sees her dupe. Wacky scheme coming up; no punishment for Ruthie foreseen.
Lame blues music plays at the pool hall as Serena hits on a young guy and Lucy looks on admiringly. "Okay, who wants to go to Adam's party with me tomorrow night?" Serena slinks. Ashley is reluctant, but Lucy's ready to roll. New friend Adam walks up, looking like he just spent three hours smoking weed in a coal mine. He leads Serena away, and Lucy gushes to Ashley, "I love your mom!" We're supposed to think that Serena is evil, but I say, "Lady, if your boobs are still that perky, get it while you can."
Robbie makes it home from his grocery-store job. He is surprised to see his dad at the CamPound. I'm surprised Robbie recognized his dad. When's the last time they saw each other? Maybe Robbie keeps an old photo in his wallet. Ed tells a big, phony lie about how he wrote to Robbie every day, but the letters got lost at the post office. He says he's only in town for one night and is between jobs. After all this hinting, he eventually wangles an invitation to spend the night at the CamPound. Robbie leads his dad up to his room. The CamRents and the guitar are worried.
there's an unfunny scene about Ruthie lying to her mother. She's tricked Matt into driving her to the store so that she can buy make-up. Matt thinks Ruthie's buying a present for StuporMom, though. Annie, as usual, doesn't have time to stand around and figure out Ruthie's shenanigans. It's the twins' day to get fed, maybe.
It's the day, I guess. Downstairs, Simon tells his mom that he's going out with Keith that night. Hey…Simon's wearing make-up, so why can't Ruthie? Annie tells him he has to finish his paper before he goes anywhere. He leaves in a huff. RevCam walks in and sees the big mess Ed made in the living room. He promises Annie that Robbie will be hauling Ed's ass to the bus station that evening.
At some cappuccino place, Robbie confronts Ed about leaving his family for another woman. Ed claims that he left to take care of his sick parents, and that Robbie's mom didn't believe that. She got a court order to keep Ed from seeing Robbie and Robbie's brothers, he claims. Robbie believes him, because he remembers the day that Ed took him to the zoo, like a good, normal father would. Ed says that he wants to stay in Glenoak for a while. He needs Robbie's help to do this, though. Sounds like Robbie just checked into the Heartbreak Hotel.
Lucy brags to Annie that Ashley's mom took them out for ice cream with "really cute guys." Annie rolls her eyes. Lucy asks permission to go to the party with Ashley and Serena that night. She says that Serena's "cool -- she's not like…" Annie asks if Serena's not like her. Lucy says that StuporMom just doesn't like Serena because she doesn't bake pies and hang out at the church. Annie turns on the stony face. She tells Lucy to make her own decision regarding the party. Lucy decides to go. The clarinet moans.
Ruthie smiles over a make-up kit that looks like it came from Hobby Lobby. She calls Mary to crow about her own duplicity. She explains that she faked out Annie by buying her a cheap-shit gift. Mary lectures Ruthie, who hangs up on her.
Lucy leaves for the party in a pale green sweater with an ugly pointed cowl neck. Simon comes downstairs , and Annie asks where he's going. "You said I could go out," Simon Jedi-mind-tricks his mom. "No, I didn't," says wily Annie, who wasn't fooled. There's a knock at the door and Simon lets in five of his friends, none of whom I've ever seen before. Annie is forced to tell them all that Simon won't be going out with them that night. Ouch. The friends leave. Simon is pissed. "I hope you're happy, because you just completely humiliated me in front of my friends!" he pouts. Annie asks to read his paper. "I'M NOT FINISHED!" he yells at her. Then he comes out with, "You know, I don't like you very much right now." I am shocked by his nerve. Annie tells him that the feeling is mutual, and that he'd better go upstairs and do his freaking paper or he won't be leaving the house until graduation. Simon runs upstairs, and Annie calmly goes back to folding her laundry. I have to say that I was impressed with StuporMom in this scene. I was expecting her to call in RevCam for help or something.
Sally Palmer, Robbie's mother, calls RevCam on the phone. She's wearing a goofy Hawaiian shirt, I guess to symbolize the fact that she now lives in Florida. She warns RevCam about Ed's wily ways. Considering that she just took off and left Robbie for another state, I can't see why she cares. Where do Robbie's brothers live, anyway? I know Robbie lived with Cheryl until she threw him out, and then he was homeless. Are his brothers homeless now, or are they living with Glenoak's rabbi and priest?
Ed and Robbie get back to the CamPound. Annie asks if Ed won't miss his bus. He has Robbie inform her that the two of them just put down a deposit on an apartment together. The clarinet plays sadly, though, because it knows that Robbie was probably the one who paid for the deposit, with the minimum wages he makes at the grocery store. Working at the grocery store is very sad for clarinets to imagine.
RevCam comes home late from work, as if he has a real job. Annie informs him of the bad news about Lucy, Simon, and Robbie. The two of them fret, and RevCam promises to give Robbie a talking-to. "When did Robbie become one of our children?" Annie asks. "I'm not sure, but he is," RevCam answers. No…no, actually, he's not. No wonder these people don't grasp the concept of birth control. They don't even understand basic biology.
At the dangerous, evil party that Lucy foolhardily decided to attend, people are playing darts, drinking bottled drinks, and listening to crappy music. Serena shows her décolletage to Adam while the girls try to avoid being hit on by creepy older guys. I say that until someone's OD'ing on the floor, it's not really a party.
Annie goes up to Simon's room and tells him they need to talk. He doesn't speak to her. She makes him give her the part of his paper that he's done so far. Then she goes into the hall and sees Ruthie looking sad. She has a big smear of orange blush on her face. "I can't take it off! I tried soap and water but I can't take it off!" she cries. What is it -- permanent marker? Annie tells her that she's in more trouble than she's ever been in. Considering how much crap Ruthie gets away with, that's not saying much.
Robbie goes into RevCam's office and happily announces his "good" news. RevCam tries to warn him, but Robbie won't hear of it. He thinks his mom is lying about his dad. We learn that the cops are after Ed for writing hot checks. Robbie yells at RevCam that he's going to move out with his father and be just fine. Then he stomps away as Ed watches from afar and smirks. Obi Wan RevCamobi has his work cut out for him.
In the party bathroom, Ashley apologizes for her mom's immature behavior. Ashley is wearing too much purple eyeshadow, and Lucy's hair is asymmetrically parted just like Serena's was. Lucy realizes that having a "hip and cool mom" isn't all it's cracked up to be. Serena isn't really hip and cool, though. Just because Lucy thought so, that doesn't mean it's true. Serena would be hip and cool if she had a career that allowed her to work from home and make tons of money, and if she listened to Pavement, and if she wore really kick-ass boots. Until Lucy meets such a woman, she should just stay quiet.
Annie tells Matt that Ruthie tricked him. He is upset, and his hair looks silly.
RevCam steps out into the back yard to talk to Ed. Oh, no! Ed is smoking! Now we know he's evil for sure! They haggle back and forth for a while. Then Ed tells RevCam, "You're not his father." "Neither are you," RevCam says. Ooh, burn. RevCam must have new writers backing him up this episode. He looks ready to cry as he tells Ed that Robbie belongs at the CamPound. He ends up threatening to inform the cops of Ed's whereabouts if Ed doesn't leave town. RevCam urges Ed to do the right thing and put Robbie's needs before his own. I like the way RevCam backed up his family values with blackmail. That was nice.
Matt accosts Ruthie in her room. "The devil made me do it," she tells him. Shut up, Ruthie. Matt demands an apology. Ruthie doesn't think she did anything wrong. Matt lectures her about lying for a bit and then leaves. Mary calls to check on Ruthie. "I wanted to make sure you learned your lesson because I don't want you to end up in Buffalo like me," she says. That's so pathetic, I won't even bother to comment on it.
Annie tells Simon that his paper isn't his best work. She lectures him about working up to his potential. The phone rings. It's Lucy, begging for a ride home. Annie quickly tells Simon to start rewriting his paper. Then she puts on her superhero cape and flies off.
Robbie calls his mom and asks her who used to take him to the zoo. It was his uncle, not his dad. Robbie is chagrined. I sigh with relief because I took my kids to the zoo last month.
Lucy and Ashley leave the party with Annie. Serena chases after them. Ashley angrily gives her a big, fake speech. "I want a mother that yells at me when I'm late -- tells me to eat my vegetables -- go to bed!" She should have just said, "As a teenager, I need boundaries set in a loving yet firm way by my parent." That would have been just as realistic. ["And just as ripped off of Rayanne from My So-Called Life." -- Sars] Serena walks up to Annie and says, "You know, uh, just because you bake cookies and make lunches and drive a carpool does not make you better than me." Annie puts on her ugliest face ever and yells at Serena to grow up and be a real mother to Ashley. "How is your daughter supposed to learn how to be a mother, if you won't be a mother to her?" she asks. Well, I guess Serena could buy Ashley baby dolls and spank her when she doesn't act like a lady, right? Serena and Ashley trade "I love yous" and then go home to talk. Gee, it's a good thing Ashley didn't totally lose respect for her own mother after watching her get told off by Annie.
RevCam walks into the kitchen, and Robbie asks if his dad got to the bus stop okay. Yes, RevCam got rid of Ed. We learn that Robbie's brothers have been in Florida with their mom. Ed went to Florida and stole money from their mother and then used the brothers to pick up women at a bar. I had to laugh at the thought of such a scheme. Robbie babbles about wanting to believe that his father is a good person. Then he waxes poetic about what a forgiving, groovy guy RevCam is. RevCam hands him his deposit check. Robbie asks, "What exactly did I do to deserve you and your family?" More sap oozes from the scene. RevCam and Robbie give each other their "first hug." Yeah, right. If that's their first hug, I guess RevCam's not into afterplay cuddling.