This episode begins with everyone all up in Robbie's business. The CamBrats overhear his phone conversation and learn that he has a date for Valentine's Day evening. Robbie resists their attempts to find out who his mystery date is. He runs off in a mild huff, and the whole Camden family makes a cult-ritual pact to find out the details of his personal life.
Robbie runs into the garage to escape from the prying eyes of the Camdens. He hides in the back of the electric van. Matt is hot on his heels, though. "I was looking for you," he says. "Oh, you were? What's up?" asks Robbie. The young men confess to each other their reluctance to be alone on Valentine's Day. Matt suggests that Robbie's date fix up Matt with a friend of hers so that they can all double date. Robbie chuckles uncomfortably at Matt's false friendship.
On the phone, Simon asks Deena if he can double date with her, since she's temporarily in town and all. Deena agrees. Ruthie runs into the kitchen in one of those ugly crocheted head scarves. She rudely takes the phone from Simon, who insults her and leaves. She calls Burt, the little boy she humiliated earlier this season. He asks who she is and she says, "Duh! The love of your life!" Burt is too young and naïve to hang up on her, and he accepts her offer to pick him up for Valentine's Day. She says they'll attend the twins' birthday party and then have the rest of the evening to themselves. Burt is inexplicably enthusiastic about this.
RevCam and Annie put the twins into their cribs, then share curiosity about Robbie's romantic life. Annie apparently plans to invite Robbie and his date to the twins' party. RevCam doubts they'll want to show up. The phone rings and RevCam answers. "Hang up!" Lucy yells at him from the other extension. Like Rodney Dangerfield, RevCam gets no respect.
On the phone is Jeremy, Lucy's newest flame. He's telling her that he doesn't want to double date with Robbie, since it's their first date. He lets us all know that he's taking Lucy to a restaurant that requires coat and tie, and that he has a surprise for her. Gee, it's nice that Lucy's taking some time to be alone for a while after her long string of failed relationships. Oh, except that she's not. Oh, well. Work it while you're young, Lucy. The phone rings again. It's Mary, calling for Robbie. Lucy starts to carry the phone to him, but Matt walks into the hall and starts bragging about his clever plan to double date with Robbie. Simon's in the hall, too, now. He says he was planning to double date with Robbie. Oh, but no…Ruthie and Burt are going to double date with Robbie. StuporMom overhears this and joins the fray. She's excited about the prospect of finding out whom Robbie's dating. They go on and on about it, and then Annie changes the subject to the twins' party. No one cares. Finally, Robbie comes into the hall and doesn't give any information at all. He and the Camden boys leave. "Is someone on that phone?" Annie asks Lucy. "D'oh!" thinks Lucy as she puts the phone back to her ear in time to hear Mary bellow, "Robbie is going out with someone?!?" Lucy groans us comically into the commercial break. Gotta love those madcap Camdens!
Up in her room, Lucy bitches to Ruthie that every last dress she owns is hideous. She doesn't have anything special to wear for her big date with Jeremy! Sob! Trying to be precocious, Ruthie says that all she needs to feel special is a clean pair of underwear. StuporMom, meanwhile, sneaks into the room with a surprise dress for Lucy. It's a red satin number that looks a lot like the one Lucy wore to the dance with Mike a few weeks ago. StuporMom makes a big production of how she went over the budget and cleared the dress purchase with the RevCam, like the good Stepford Wife she is. "It's so perfect!" Lucy gasps with glee. Ruthie says something uncute about underwear again, and leaves. Lucy is pleased because when it comes to Jeremy, she "like[s] him like [she] [hasn't] liked any other guy that [she's] ever gone out with." "I know. Hence the new dress," says Annie. The hell? Didn't Lucy just meet this guy? What does she do -- just sniff their pheromones and then run out to brand their initials on her hindquarters?
Robbie walks into the room he has on loan from Ruthie and tells Matt that he couldn't set up a date for him. Then he makes good excuses not to double date with any of the CamBrats. Then he leaves. Matt pissily mutters about being dateless for Valentine's, and picks up the phone. When John answers on the other end, Matt barks, "What are you doin' tonight?" "Hello, Matt," John lilts sarcastically. Matt again asks rudely about John's plans. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" John pouts. "Someday, Matt Camden, I'm gonna decide that I've had just about enough of your attitude. You're not gonna be able to push this girl around any more! I'm gonna show you the hand, Mister Man. You think I'm not, but…" Actually, John tells Matt that he plans to spend the evening with Priscilla. Priscilla, overhearing this, says that Matt can come over. John is surprised. Priscilla calls Valentine's a "lame holiday invented by the card companies." So true. I'm not just saying that because no one sent me flowers, either. Priscilla goes on and on about the commerciality and the pressure. John grudgingly tells Matt to come on over.
RevCam accosts Simon in the hall and asks about his date with Deena. Simon bitches about the fact that Matt's driving instead of Robbie. RevCam gently scolds Simon for not respecting Robbie's privacy. Robbie comes out of the bathroom, and the three guys awkwardly say "hi" to each other. Then Robbie runs off and Simon gets on RevCam for not questioning Robbie about his date. Simon doesn't think they should let Robbie date anyone when Mary still has feelings for him. Whatever. Why do they care about Mary's feelings after they exiled her to Buffalo?
RevCam goes to the nursery to dress the twins for their party. In her big ol' dominatrix boots, Ruthie asks her dad if Mary's dating anyone. RevCam doesn't know. Ruthie takes that as a yes and runs out the door.
Annie answers the phone. It's Mary. How many freaking phone scenes is Jessica Biel going to do? Annie tells Matt to take the phone to Robbie. Matt runs upstairs with Simon and Ruthie right behind him. They catch Robbie greasing back his hair for the big night. Ruthie compliments Robbie as Matt stands there with the phone, and you realize they're going to do the forgotten-phone gag again. It actually worked the first time, and it was almost funny. That's why they have to beat it into the ground now. In response to numerous nosy questions, Robbie explains that he's going to a semi-expensive restaurant at which his date made reservations. Ruthie tells him that Mary's dating someone. Robbie uptightly tells the CamSpawn that he's going downstairs to help Annie with the party. Ruthie expounds on her theory about Mary's date. "Hello! Hello! I'm still here and I wanna know who Robbie's going out with! Put him on the phone!" Mary whines. Matt hangs up on her.
The three CamBrats and Annie run into the nursery and ask RevCam whom Mary's dating. He says that The Colonel thinks Mary may be interested in some guy volunteering at some homeless shelter. Annie goes off on him for not telling her sooner. Then she catches sight of the twins and asks, "What are they wearing?" "Clean clothes," RevCam answers. One of the twins sports orange suspenders. "They would have looked better in their birthday suits," says Ruthie. "Well, I don't see any of YOU bothering to help me!" RevCam spits, arms crossed in front of his chest. "I work my taut, tan ASS off for you people and what does it get me? That's right -- ab-so-LUTE-ly NOTHING!" Matt ushers his siblings out of the room. RevCam calls after them, "Ruthie, bring Daddy his Stoli!" Except that none of that actually happens. The kids leave, and RevCam offers to call Mary and ask who she's dating. In her black leather bustier and spiked wristbands, Annie tells him to go downstairs and find out about who Robbie's dating instead. Robbie walks in and tells the CamRents that he doesn't want to talk about his date, and that Mary's interested in a guy but not actually dating him yet. He humbly stomps off, and the CamRents say, "D'oh!"
On a dark street corner, Ruthie runs to the car and tells her older brothers that Burt's pretending to be sick. She doesn't care, however, because she only asked him out in order to find out about Robbie's woman. we see Simon introducing Deena and her date Peter to his siblings. "Simon, where's your date? I thought we were double dating!" says Dense Deena. Simon tries to play it off like his alleged date stood him up, but Deena realizes what's going on and calls the whole thing off apologetically. My drunken apartment neighbors scream like banshees and laugh like hyenas. I open my door and shout, "Get thee heavenwards, family-valueless heathens!" I throw a brick wrapped in a Barry Watson poster through their window, then come back inside in time to hear Deena lisp "Happy Valentine's Day" to heartbroken Simon. He acts like he doesn't care for the sakes of Matt and Ruthie. "Face it, we're losers," says Ruthie. It's about time someone on this show admitted the truth.
The Camdens wear fake smiles as Annie forces them to applaud the twins' ruining of their cake. Then Annie shrewishly tells her teenaged offspring to "go forth and have [their] holiday fun." Everyone looks at Robbie expectantly through several pregnant pauses. He merely tells them that he won't stay out too late. Then he's gone, and Lucy's taking off her bathrobe to reveal her cheap red dress. Her siblings give her the thumbs-up, and she goes to meet Jeremy with her parents at the door. Ruthie declares that Lucy isn't a loser like the rest of them. She's wrong, though.
At the door, suave-ass Jeremy kisses Lucy's cheek. He gives flowers to Annie and candy to RevCam. Then he gives them assurances and his cell-phone number. They are, of course, impressed as hell. Annie can't get Robbie out of her mind, though. She and RevCam let on that they share the same suspicion about Robbie's date. They don't say her name, but I figure that they're talking about the bad, bad girl with whom Robbie was living. I can't remember her name, though. I only remember the faux leopard skin. Poor Robbie.
At the supposedly swanky restaurant, Jeremy offers to order for Lucy. I don't think they're supposed to be at the Gypsy Whatever Italian place. It sort of looks like the pizza parlor, but with different tablecloths. Jeremy looks at the menu, gulps, and asks Lucy if a bowl of soup would be enough. Lucy replies graciously and Jeremy says, "I'm joking. I think I can do a little better than that." The waiter walks up and Jeremy asks him what he recommends for teenagers on a limited budget. What the? How tacky is Jeremy? Isn't that a question he should have asked on the phone before taking Lucy to the restaurant? Geez. The waiter suggests two salads and one Chicken Marsala to split, then writes down an estimate and shows it to Jeremy. Lucy goes along with all this crap. "My dad's philosophy is order cheap and tip big. That way you can come back as often as you'd like," says Cheap-N-Proud Jeremy. He adds that his dad used to be a waiter, but is now a musician. I sense a PSA episode on poverty coming up some Monday in the near future. Lucy recognizes two guys across the restaurant. Before she can explain anything to Jeremy, the guys strut on over and introduce themselves. Why, it's Jimmy Moon and Rod! They seat themselves and friendlily announce their former-boyfriend status. Lucy hints for them to hit the road and, after smarmily congratulating Jeremy on his good fortune, they take that hint. Lucy apologizes, but Jeremy says that he wouldn't let anyone spoil their special night. Aw! How overdramatic for a first date! That's so cute!
Robbie taps his toes apprehensively at a park bench on the Promenade. The oboe feels sorry for him. Suddenly I'm craving French onion soup.
At their Non-Swingin', Japan-Patronizin' Engagement Pad, Priscilla starts to tell John some deep, dark secret. Matt knocks on the door before she can cut to the chase, though. John closes the door in his face, Priscilla opens it again, and Matt gives them both some birthday cake. Priscilla does the good hostess routine while John simmers. He's probably afraid that Matt will scratch Priscilla's eyes out.
Robbie makes a call at the Promenade pay phone. No one answers. Poor robotic Robbie!
Lucy thanks Jeremy for dinner as they walk down the sidewalk. I notice that she's wearing his jacket over her dress. How eighties prom! She apologizes about her exes again and he demurs. Jeremy's about to swoop in for a kiss when Lucy spots her ex, Jordan, eating a banana a few feet away. Seeing Lucy, Jordan runs up and gives her a hug. He congratulates Jeremy and slobbers about what a great girl Lucy is. Then he leaves and Lucy apologizes again. The date's not over, though. Jeremy has a surprise, remember? The "beautiful restaurant" was "just an opener."
John peevishly hints for Matt to leave, then ends up leaving himself. Priscilla tells Matt that she's still working up the courage to tell John a big secret. Matt pretends to be concerned, but he's actually hoping that John will dump Priscilla in time to play Navy Seals with his old roomie before Valentine's is over.
Ruthie and Simon play cards. Are those Lonely Hearts Clubs they're dealing? "Maybe we can get Mom to drive us around so we can spy on Robbie," Ruthie says. That's one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard, but I admire Ruthie's candor. RevCam walks in and asks about Burt's illness. Ruthie says he was faking and that she doesn't care. RevCam turns his knife to Simon's heart, asking, "And Deena?" Simon says something about miscommunication. Ruthie asks if she's the only one who can deal with rejection. Mary calls and asks her dad for Robbie. RevCam tries to make small talk but Mary says, "Just tell Robbie to call me." Now I'm craving birthday cake.
Robbie waits on the Promenade some more. We see a pair of whorish strappy pumps trip up. The camera pans to show us Cheryl's face above the shoes. She and Robbie greet each other. "Have you really missed me or are you just lonely?" Robbie's ex asks bluntly. He sidesteps that and informs her that the restaurant's still holding their table, if they want it. Cheryl says she isn't hungry, and the oboe plays in a concerned way. We're supposed to worry throughout the commercial break that Robbie and Cheryl are going to her place to have sex. Instead, I try to decide on an entrée to have between my soup and my cake. Can I afford the Chicken Marsala?
Robbie and Cheryl sit on patio chairs on some lawn and discuss what went wrong between them. I won't get into the details, because I really don't care about this relationship at all. Suffice it to say that Cheryl forces Robbie to admit that he still loves Mary. At least she's not psychotically angry about it, though. She says that she deserves a man who loves her as much as Robbie loves Mary. Whatever. Before taking off, she gives Robbie the phone number of one of her friends for Matt to date. She tells him that she put a lot of thought into the selection. Uh…whatever again.
John returns from his walk and Matt hurriedly takes off. Priscilla's big news: she was married once before. It was the summer after graduation, and it was annulled. Priscilla's worried that John will hate her for this. John is all smiles as he informs her that his own mother was married for a year once to a man who wasn't his dad. There's a big comic argument in which Priscilla gets mad at John for not telling her about his mother sooner. Robbie knocks on the door and says he's looking for Matt. Priscilla shuts the door in his face and tells John that she loves him. They kiss, and Robbie takes off. Yes -- marriages are always cute, as long as they're annulled and not ended in sinful divorce.
The three losers -- Matt, Simon, and Ruthie -- sit in the kitchen, picking at the last of the cake. Suddenly, a black horse opens the top of the kitchen door with its nose, just like Mr. Ed used to do. "Cool!" says Ruthie. Burt walks in wearing a suit and carrying a riding helmet. It turns out that he just pretended to be sick in order to buy time to set up this special surprise for Ruthie. The horse is from his uncle's stable and blah blah blah. Ruthie doesn't even thank Burt -- she just wants to ride the horse. Poor Burt. He deserves someone who will love him as much as I love the lead singer of Pavement. He and Ruthie leave, and then Deena comes in. She missed being friends with Simon. He takes her out back to talk, leaving Matt alone. Robbie comes in and says, "You know that Ruthie and some kid in a suit are riding a horse down the street?" "Shut up and kiss me," says Matt in reply. Just kidding. Matt asks whom Robbie went out with, and then guesses that it was Cheryl. Robbie confesses that he's hopelessly in love with Mary. "Good," says Matt, as if he's not totally jealous. Robbie gives Matt Cheryl's friend's number. Matt dials the phone like a desperate dog. He starts to leave Cheryl's friend a message, but then she picks up the phone. Matt is smug.
RevCam leads a blindfolded Annie into the living room. Ew. Leave that stuff upstairs, people. The twins are on the couch. Eric's big surprise is some old home movies of Annie's dead mother babysitting the twins. Annie is touched. I'm still hungry. Is the show almost over?
Matt leaves to meet Cheryl's friend. Robbie calls Mary. She answers in pajamas and a blanket with a cup of soup on her knee. "Just listen," Robbie tells her. "I went out with Cheryl tonight because I was upset you might be interested in somebody else. But I don't love Cheryl. I love you. I'm gonna commit my life to being a man worthy of being loved by you. Happy Valentine's Day." He hangs up on her, and Mary smiles. I guess it's a good thing she didn't want to express an opinion or anything.
On the sidewalk, Lucy tells Jeremy that she can't walk another step. It's probably because her new platforms from Frederick's aren't yet broken in. She doesn't have to walk any farther, however, because they've reached Flicks. The marquee says, "VALENTINE'S/STARRING LUCY CAMDEN." Jeremy's surprise is that his dad the musician is rehearsing at Flicks, and he said Lucy could use the stage. "To do what?" Lucy asks. "To sing," Jeremy says. Lucy smiles and says, "No way!" How bizarre. That would be a perfect gift for me, because any guy dating me would know that I like to sing. Does Lucy ever sing, though? I wonder if Beverley Mitchell has a CD deal in the works.
Robbie walks in on the CamRents and the twins at their sappy-video viewing. He tells them about his date and his phone call and says that the best things in life are worth waiting for. I don't get it. Who's he talking about? I thought he was on the phone with Mary…he runs upstairs. Annie cries as we're forced to see, on the TV prop, the actress playing her mother sing, "When I fall in love, it will be forever," to the twins.
Then we see Lucy singing the same song to Jeremy in front of a jazz band on the stage in Flicks. Her voice isn't bad for a teenager's, but it's nothing to rent Flicks for, either. As she sings, we see the CamRents kiss up in their bedroom. Then we see John and Priscilla kiss before retiring to separate futons. Then Simon and Deena hug. Then Matt is smiling and looking into the distance on a park bench. The camera pulls back and we see what looks like a forty-year-old drag queen sitting to him. The two of them look uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Robbie lies on the Hello Kitty pillows in the dark with his cheekbones gleaming. Ruthie shakes Burt's hand and then kisses his horse on the nose. Lucy sings to the empty theater, or maybe to me, while Jeremy sits by his father at the keyboard behind Lucy and whispers, "She's the one." Dude -- that's a pretty creepy way to end Valentine's Day.