Annie, with new layers in her hair, folds laundry while Eric works on his laptop. RevCam can afford a laptop? Annie suggests that Eric go to the church to write his sermon. Eric wonders why she wants him to leave. She makes a big production of out of telling him to go so that she can "clean the house." This insistence is accompanied by several alternately mean and goofy faces. RevCam finally agrees to leave, but first he must call Mary. He calls his parents' house. Mary isn't there because she flew to Glenoak. George informs Eric of this, looking like he's stoned out of his mind. I figure out that this George guy must be the kid that The Colonel and Grandma Camden adopted a few seasons back. So I guess it's not TOO gross that he and Mary kissed a few episodes back...oh, wait. It still is, actually. "Mary's run away," RevCam tells StuporMom. "From home?" asks Annie. "To home," RevCam solemnly declares. Shut up, RevCam and Oboe. Over in Buffalo, we see Grandma Camden tell George that he should have kept his mouth shut.
After the theme song, RevCam calls his parents' house several times. Grandma Camden and George just ignore the ringing phone. GramCam says she doesn't want to be the one to tell him why Mary left Buffalo. At the CamPound, RevCam is paranoid, assuming that Mary's coming back to Glenoak so she can hook up with Robbie. Annie tries to talk sense into him. "Where is that teenage Lothario?" grits RevCam. Whoa...calm down, big guy. RevCam tries and fails to get info from Ruthie. Upstairs, Annie informs the kids of RevCam's suspicions and then tells them to complete their assignments, anyway. Hmm. The kids have assignments. I wonder what in the world Annie and the kids can be up to. I won't sleep until I know. RevCam was supposed to take a Mrs. Bink somewhere that day. Annie asks Matt and Simon to do it instead. Matt has a new 'do. His hair is short, but with long layers on top. It's sort of a pixie cut, but with sideburns. I hate to admit this, but he actually looks much better. It could just be my three-month dry spell talking, though. All the kids take off except Ruthie. Annie asks lazy Ruthie to "pick up the living room." I hate it when people say "pick up" instead of "clean up." I bet Annie says "garage" instead of "car hole," too. (Yes, that was a Simpsons reference.)
Mike the Formerly Suicidal Boy calls for Lucy. RevCam does the wacky paranoid act with him and then lets Lucy on the phone. Then Robbie walks in the back door and RevCam totally freaks on him. He asks where Robbie's been. Robbie says that he went to meet a friend, but the friend didn't show. RevCam accuses him of plotting to be with Mary instead. "You can drop the innocent act. It clashes with your lying, cheating personality," says Eric to his boytoy. Ouch. Robbie turns his other cheek and walks away. Annie soothes RevCam and ushers him out of the house. All I can say is, if Annie knows why Mary's coming back, she should tell her husband before he acts like an asshole to anyone else.
At the hospital, Mrs. Bink is a cranky old lady. She wants Matt and Simon to leave because she can't believe that they'd want to hang out with her voluntarily. They want to take her to the mall or something, though. Then Mrs. Bink says that she has a date and the boys are "killing [her] action." Matt doesn't believe her, so he decides that they'll spy.
Eric phone-stalks his parents' house some more. "Pass the mustard," says George as he ignores the phone. Lucy walks into the CamKitchen and informs her dad that she's going to watch over Mike's mom for a while. She's nervous about hanging out with someone catatonic. RevCam advises her to treat Mrs. Mike's Mom like she would anyone else. He says that she can hear Lucy, even if she doesn't answer her.
Ruthie watches TV instead of cleaning the living room like her mom asked her to. StuporMom yells down the stairs at her several times, but doesn't come down or punish Ruthie or anything. Ruthie hears a baby noise at the door. She opens the door and finds a baby. How shocking. Happy barks. "Cool!" says Goofy. The baby is wearing clothes that aren't cheap. I wonder what wacky hijinks brought her about.
Robbie's trying to make a phone call in his room when Annie pokes her head in the door. She asks if Robbie's okay and assures him that RevCam will calm down eventually. After she goes, Robbie makes his phone call. He's checking the status of a flight from Buffalo. He knows it was delayed because he JUST CAME FROM THE AIRPORT. Da, da, DA!!! How ominous. Robbie said he was meeting a friend for coffee, not going to the airport to meet a plane from Buffalo. Oh, my stars...oh, my word...will someone please tell me what's going on? I don't want to disbelieve Robbie, because he prays so nicely. Then again, I realize that you can't really trust boys who are swarthy like him. Oh, dear. I hope there's some wacky hijinks behind all this that will make everything all right at the end of the episode. I'm going to pray for the Camdens that there is.
RevCam calls his parent's house again. Stupid George answers the phone. "Hola," he says. "George no está aquí, Mary no está aquí, el gato y el mono están debajo de la mesa." RevCam is able to translate this into "George isn't here, Mary isn't here, the cat and the monkey are under the table," even though George pronounced "monkey" like "hand." GramCam titters at George, making the mistake of encouraging his unfunny behavior.
Mike's nervous about leaving his mom alone with a new person. Lucy reassures him. He leaves, and she starts trying to charm his mother with an unfunny spiel about the rotisserie infomercial that's playing. Mrs. Mike's Mom ignores her, just like I would.
Ruthie holds a chair against her bedroom door so that Annie can't get in. She makes up an excuse about being naked. "I was cleaning in the nude and I got cold, so I came upstairs to put some clothes on," she says. I imagine the bulk of 7th Heaven's demographic hearing that and chuckling, "'Cleaning in the nude...' Heh, heh! I wonder what that cute little girl will come up with ?" Then I imagine myself saying "cleaning in the nude" on television, and the same viewers writing long letters to the local paper to complain. Annie yells through Ruthie's door a little and then leaves. "That was close," Ruthie says to the baby as the cutesy music plays. Yeah, it's always heartwarming when a kid hides a baby that's been left on a doorstep.
Matt and Simon can't find Mrs. Bink. I see that Matt has a little beaded braid hanging off the back of his head. Forget what I said about his hair looking better. "Mrs. Bink is like the CIA. If she doesn't want to be found, she's not gonna be found," declares Simon. Quit sniffing the nitrous-oxide masks, Simon. John appears and tells the boys that he saw Mrs. Bink going into Radiology. I think they should follow her and butt into her business, then.
Sgt. Michaels is on the phone, telling RevCam that he can't do anything about Mary. "I told you -- your monthly bribe check is in the mail!" says RevCam. Oh, wait -- he actually says, "Can't you stake out the airport?" Sgt. Michaels tells him, "This is Glenoak PD. We don't stake out anything." Ha. Way to get out from under RevCam's thumb, Sgt. Michaels.
In the kitchen, Ruthie prepares baby cereal with bananas. Annie tells her to just spill the beans, because she doesn't have time for this crap. we see Annie upstairs, telling Ruthie that she can't keep the baby. Ruthie says something about how she didn't get to keep the kitten or the monkey, either. Again with the cats and the monkeys...Annie wonders to whom the baby could belong. Robbie walks in and says, "What's that pizza lady's baby doing here?" Annie asks if he's sure that it's Frankie's baby. "No offense, because I know all babies are beautiful, but I'd recognize that head anywhere," says Robbie. Ha! Take off your shirt before speaking again, though, Robbie. He says he has to tell Annie "something about Mary." I can still see his shirt. Hello...
Lucy brings in a tray with a variety of sandwiches for Mike's mom to choose from. Mike's mom chooses turkey. Hey, she can move! I don't see how she's going to eat when she has to look at Lucy's ugly sleeveless Fair Isle sweater, though. "I want Mike to put me in a hospital," Mike's mom busts out, out of the blue. "What?" says Lucy. Mike's mother clears her throat and says that she wants Mike to sell their house, get an apartment, and put her in the hospital. Lucy is shocked. She says that she'd imagined that if Mike's mom had talked to her that day, it would be about the weather. "Is it cold out?" asks the no-longer-catatonic one. "Not really," replies Lucy. "I want Mike to put me in a hospital," Mike's mother says, smoothly overlooking her own non sequitur and hitting her point home.
"Come on, my little Spanish friend," says RevCam into the phone. Who is he calling? Antonio Banderas? No, it's only George, who doesn't answer. RevCam hangs up, and then Robbie calls to tell him that Mary's flight is arriving in two hours. He apologizes for having lied and asks RevCam to pick Mary up. RevCam is rude to Robbie, who's babysitting the twins. The Teen Lothario tells RevCam that if, after seeing Mary, RevCam wants Robbie to move out, Robbie will. RevCam hangs up on him and high-tails it to the airport. Then we see Robbie tell Ruthie and the twins that it's time to get the CamPound spic-and-span. How utterly mysterious and unfathomable. However, I notice that this show certainly has a lot of rude hanging-up. That's not very Christian, is it?
Matt barges in on Mrs. Bink in a radiology room. He's wearing a sloppily large shirt with some sort of pea-coat affair over it. Mrs. Bink is there for her mastectomy results, and the doctor has asked her to wait. She's worried, but still comically old enough to be cantankerous about Matt's uncomforting reaction. Yes, breast cancer is cute.
Annie strolls Mercy into Pete's Pizza and learns from Pete that Frankie allegedly has the flu. StuporMom tells him that Mercy was left on her doorstep. Pete yells to all his customers that the parlor is closed due to a family emergency. He knew it wasn't the flu. He knows Frankie is gone. The restaurant patrons actually get up and leave without yelling curse words or anything. They have great respect for familial dysfunction, I see.
Matt and Mrs. Bink play cards while they wait. The doctor strides in, glances at a couple of x-rays, and says, "Everything looks fine. You can go now." Matt gets up and reads him the riot act for such a lack of sensitivity. "My hero," says Mrs. Bink. My ulcer.
"... and that's what a mammography is," a nurse tells Simon. He looks grossed out. We're supposed to realize that he's learned to respect women's issues more than before, and that some day he will be as sensitive and caring as his big brother Matt. Isn't that heartwarming?
Annie has called Robbie from the pizza parlor. Robbie tells her that he's done all her secret special-event chores. He even ironed Annie's dress. Annie says, "Wow," even though she's insecure about her position as Head Wife. Robbie turns to find that Ruthie and the twins messed up some fluorescent three-tiered cake. "Now that's a cake and a half," he says. I think he's dropping acid.
RevCam rudely accosts an airline clerk and finds out that Mary's plane isn't due for another hour. I think he should go to the airport bar and have a drink so he can be even more obnoxious to Robbie and his family when he finally gets home.
George and GramCam say something about Mary flying to Glenoak. I stopped caring about them so long ago that I can't even be bothered to rewind my VCR for those few seconds of filler and find out what exactly they said.
Lucy paces as she waits for Mike to get home. She's near tears as she relays his mother's message to Mike. She theorizes that Mike's mom blames herself for Mike's suicide attempt, as well as for Mike's dad's suicide. She tells some long story about a friend of hers who died in a car accident. I don't really listen because I'm too busy envying Lucy her youth. I'm sitting here recapping this with wrinkles and dark circles under my eyes. It's too late for me to start a career in television, isn't it?
The twins make a mess with Play-Doh while Ruthie gets into Robbie's business. She asks him about his relationship with Mary. He says that they're just friends, and then declines further comment. I'd rather listen to the twins' babbling, or at least see Robbie wearing nothing but a wet towel while RevCam scolds him.
Johnny shows up at Pete's Pizza, looking almost as haggard as I do. Annie immediately jumps up and starts yelling at him. She's tired of his lack of respect and responsibility. She demands to know what Johnny did to Frankie. Johnny doesn't get a word in edgewise. Annie does let his uncle yell at him a bit, though. Finally it's Johnny's turn to talk. "What's the use? You're never gonna believe me anyway!" he bawls before running out the door. Pete informs us that Johnny's parents haven't been involved in Mercy's life. There's a lesson to be learned there, but at this point I just want to make it to the end of the show.
Mike turns off the infomercial his mother's watching and kneels in front of her. As Lucy watches, he tells his mom that he'll never put her in the hospital because he loves her so freaking much. Lucy's eyes water. Mike glances at her before going on with his intensely personal monologue. He tells his mother that her husband's suicide wasn't her fault. Neither was his near-suicide. He talks about how selfish suicide is, and cries. "I took the pills. I drank the vodka. I locked the door and waited to die. I gave up on life -- me, not you." Et cetera, et cetera. "I want to see you embrace life and stop feeling badly [sic]." After several more days of this, Mike's mother pipes up, saying, "So...you...forgive me?" There are happy words and hugging. Fake tears stream down Lucy's face.
In the hospital waiting room, Simon reflects on the fact that his dad helps people like Mrs. Bink every day. He says that RevCam isn't paid enough. "I don't think he does it for the money," says Matt. Matt's just saying that because he represses the guilt he feels over eating all of RevCam's hard-earned groceries.
Annie has followed Johnny out to the pizza parlor patio, or, as I like to think of it, the Beer-Stealing Atrium. Annie's purse is ugly and out of style as Johnny explains that Frankie ran off to Vegas with her pot dealer. Annie sits down and listens to Johnny fret that he was afraid he'd hurt Mercy in his anger. He left the baby on the CamDoorstep because his own parents don't know anything about his anger-management issues. Annie tells him to swallow his pride and ask his parents for help. Johnny says they'd never understand. Annie says that she already told them the whole story on the phone. Well, that was...um...helpful of her.
Mary gets off her plane and hugs RevCam. He accuses her of expecting Robbie, and she doesn't deny it. He says something about the trouble she's in. After a long, agonizingly boring conversation full of misunderstandings, Mary says, "Happy birthday, Dad." See, it's RevCam's birthday, and that's why Mary's in town. And...wait...that must be why Robbie made a cake! Oh, and...could that be the reason that Annie was so anxious to get Eric out of the house? Could it be that they were planning the whole thing all along? Well, I'll be gosh-darned. I never would have guessed. I never would have seen all this stuff coming from a mile away. Mary tells her dad that she has to catch her return flight soon because of all the delays. Bye, Mary. Don't let the hatch hit you in the ass on your way out. Mary tells her father that she loves him. Fake tears run down his face. He's even wearing pink eyeliner on his lower lids to show us how touched he is. He and Mary hug, and then we fade to the same commercial endcap they've been showing all this time -- the one with the slo-mo of RevCam and his family at a party. So they really are having a party, huh? Imagine that. I'll be a monkey's aunt. Or a cat's.
RevCam shows up at the CamPound, and his family yells, "Surprise!" He apologizes to Robbie, who accepts his apology. Annie asks where Mary is. RevCam says that she promises to come home again when she has another contractual obligation -- oops, I mean, "more time." Everyone except RevCam and Lucy goes to the other room. Lucy, wearing a whorishly sequined spaghetti-strap top, says she has something special for her dad. She pulls out the college acceptance letter she's been hauling around all month and lets us all know that she's going to study theology. Aw! How horrifying! RevCam is happy. He asks what made Lucy decide to be a minister. She tells him to close his eyes and give her his hand. He does. She leads him into the living room, where billions of Tertiary Characters Past are waiting and smirking. Then we see the lamers with whom Eric used to have a band. They play "Happy Birthday" in that rockin' style of theirs. RevCam shakes the hands of all these people that he's allegedly helped while his band buddies sing the theme song of the show. Hank and Julie clap arhythmically. The rest of the family smiles smarmily. The band plays on. What a happy ending to a tenuously suspenseful episode. Not.
week: RevCam and Annie are rivals for their kids' attention. Lucy kisses Mike, and Mike says it's like kissing his sister. Woo hoo.