grade episode My Early Life

Recapped by Jacob Clifton · Aired 2012-08-26 · S05E12

Jane Bodehouse: "Hey, remember that time you fucked me doggy-style in Maryann's yard with my head in a coconut custard pie?"
Andy: "No, I do not."
Jane Bodehouse: "No, you did! Later on I cut off my finger for no reason in Adele Stackhouse's kitchen sink. I remember, because Coroner Mike Spencer was masturbating on her floor to the idea of being a corpse, and he grabbed Sookie's foot, because of her toes."
Andy: "This show is pretty rad."

Holly: "Bitch, tell me you did not have sex with Jane Bodehouse."
Andy: "No! She's just incredibly drunk."
Jane Bodehouse: "That part is also true!"

Holly: "Anyway, gross me out. I would hate it if you ever slept with anybody else while you were dating me."
Andy: "Funny you should say that. I have a most amusing coincidence to report..."
Holly: "Oh, man. I knew you were too good to be true."
Jane Bodehouse: "I know, isn't that weird? Andy Bellefleur got super hot!"
Everybody Ever: "We've been saying it all season, you old drunk."

Andy: "Holly, I've brought you over here to the pool table where Sam did it with Daphne that one time to tell you that I have knocked up a crazy person. We did it during the last season finale, and another time this show keeps saying we did it but they are lying. I guess it was when we went to the Faerielande! Caberet, which means I did cheat on you that second time."
Holly: "Well, ain't that a pisser."
Andy: "She says her 'kind' don't 'whelp' in hospitals..."

Maurella starts screaming with fairy light shooting out of her vagina and my friend Erik goes, "Oh my God, did her light just break?"

Maurella: "My light broke!"
Erik: "Boom."

AUTHORITY

Bill and Salome do it. It is still super interesting to watch them doing it. Not even they seem particularly into it, but I guess that is because they are secretly also thinking about killing each other the whole time so they can be Vamper Jesus on each other. That might be putting a crimp in their always-scintillating love times. Suddenly, he twists her head all the way around! Just kidding, they do it regular.

STACKHOUSES

Sookie: "Bill's not evil, he's too boring to be evil. And of all the people who know the cost of a Civil War..."
Ghost Momma: "Your sister is real dumb."
Ghost Daddy: "You should have a really boring talk about relationships where it seems like you're talking about her five thousand boyfriends, but really you're just talking to yourself about Jessica and saying the same shit as every time this happens."
Jason: (Does.)

By Jacob Clifton

Maurella's glowing vagina shoots out sparks, while Arlene and Jane Bodehouse and Lafayette slurp their margaritas and cat-call -- presumably as the Three Wise Men, given certain clues later, but also as a kind of gender-forward Mother/Crone/Maiden triad again, like with Maryann -- awesomely verbatim:

Arlene: "Who knew watching an alien give birth could be so comforting?"
Lafayette: "Are you kidding me? It's always the weird stuff that's the best!"
(Maurella: "Oh, my chakras!")
Jane Bodehouse: "This is great! I have no idea what is happening!"
(Maurella: "Oh, my billion weird fairy orgasms!")

Lafayette literally clutches literal pearls, Maurella sings so loud she shatters a bottle on the bar, and out pops a little girl -- with no umbilical cord, note -- and Holly gives her this speech about how it's hard to be a woman in today's world... And then a million more babies come shooting out of the magic vagina.

LUNA'S ESCAPE

I love the actor, you know I do, but I think it says something about the way this season's gone that it took me a minute to realize "Steve Newlin" was actually a skinwalked Luna, and not just Steve Newlin acting like a raging Paul Lynde faggot cartoon, like he has been all season. He scoops up Emma, whispers not to shift, and heads for the door in the main lobby.

Chelsea: "Reverend Newlin, I aced my Statistics exam!"
Lewlin: "Yay, whoever you are!"

They have a really untidily written conversation about this and that, sketched only to fill time so Luna can get more and more nervous about being stuck down there with her daughter, covering all kinds of dumb things like how come he doesn't have a Southern accent today, it's silly stuff, and just when he's realizing they're on lockdown and he can't get out without the real Newlin's blood, Chancellor Barb appears, screaming all manner of homophobic nonsense about the fratboys and generally being unpleasant as hell. Not sure if this is because she's going to die in a second or because old gay dudes seem to think this stuff is funny, but either way it's tiresome and goes on way too long. She goads him into the elevator for his damage-control press conference, pays lip service to the idea that Eric was supposed to be pacifying the government after killing General Cavanaugh, and they head up for a quick Nan Flanagan-type appearance.

MERLOTTE'S

In the end there are four fairy babies, but what to do with them? It's so sad that Holly's boyfriend is suddenly a Quadfather, but then...