Here it is -- the episode we've all been waiting forthe Camden Christian Christmas Family Values Smorgasbord Special! Nothing says Christmas like Robbie left homeless on the Promenade. Are those matches he's using to warm his hands? Is that Santa Claus stalking up beside him? Oh, noit's only RevCam.
At the pizza parlor, Little Orphan Robbie dumps sugar into his coffee and tells Daddy RevCam all his woes. He was kicked out of his girlfriend's house and now has no place to live. His mother lost her house and took off to Florida. He can't follow her because he wants to continue his college courses. His car was towed and he can't afford to reclaim it. All the shelters are full because it's so close to Christmas. RevCam seems a tiny bit sympathetic until Robbie reveals that he and Mary were secretly dating over the summer. RevCam dumps sugar into his own coffee in an effort to be funny and put-upon.
RevCam pokes his head into his own bedroom to apologize to Annie for being late. He has a surprise for her. She lies in bed with the quilt pulled up to her neck and says that she has a surprise for him, too. RevCam runs to get his surprise. Annie throws off the covers, showing us her opaque black negligee with its rather modest lacy neckline. She's wearing a robe over it, too, so it's not like she's half nude or sexy or anything. She sits up and poses ridiculously with one hand on the back of her head. RevCam and Robbie walk in. Annie screams. RevCam screams. Robbie screams. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so harsh. Annie didn't look bad. I mean, she wasn't attractive at all, but it wasn't anything to scream about. Plus, her own husband screamed first. I hope this show isn't going the way of those "hilarious" old comic strips of the seventies, like "The Lockhorns" and "For Better or Worse." I know there are people who think that husbands and wives hating each other is comic genius, but I'm not one of them and 7th Heaven doesn't need any more help being offensive. Annie tells Robbie to go downstairs and help himself to the contents of the refrigerator. RevCam explains that Robbie will be spending the night, but that now he'll want to stay forever. Then Eric insultingly asks Annie if there was some special occasion that he forgot. She says it's Friday as she slumps forward to show us the valley within her bosom. He says, "TGIF?" She throws a pillow at him. I guess Eric's off the Nookie List tonight. Oh, but he has Robbie now. I forgot about that.
Lucy walks into the kitchen in what looks like boxer shorts and a spaghetti-strap sports bra. It's a matching ensemble, actually. Robbie sees this and tells her that he always pictured her family in robes -- big robes. Lucy says that she always pictured Robbie in his own house instead of in her kitchen at 10 PM. They discuss Mary's anger at the world. Robbie assures Lucy that he's only spending one night at the CamPound. Lucy rolls her eyes at Robbie's duffel bag full of dirty laundry and then runs up the stairs. Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you enjoyed Lucy's bare midriff and legs. All we need now is Mary in a tight sweater and the celebration of Christ's birth will be complete.
Mike the Formerly Suicidal Boy comes to the CamPound to see Lucy. RevCam introduces him to Robbie. Mike spews all the gossip he knows about Robbie by way of introductory pleasantries. Lucy comes down in her ugly robe and hauls Mike to the living room. RevCam suggests that he and Robbie have a sandwich and a chat. "Sure, what can I make you?" asks Robbie. Eric is surprised but pleased. "Robbie will be a better wife to me than Annie ever was!" we see him thinking.
Mike tells Lucy that he got early acceptance to college. "Yes!" she yells. She asks why he didn't come over to tell her earlier, then assumes he was on a date, then forgives him for being on a date since they aren't exclusive, then gives him a slight guilt trip about not telling her first, anyway. I think we're supposed to infer from this behavior that Lucy's jealous. Mike just looks at her like she's rude, echoing my actual thoughts.
RevCam compliments Robbie's sandwich-making skills. Robbie proffers this tip for gourmands: he mixed the ketchup with a little mayo. "Sort of a Russian dressing," he explains. Matt walks in on his well-worn mooching trail. He's inordinately annoyed by Robbie's presence. Lucy stalks in and says, "Mike had a date!" No one cares. Matt pissily questions his father. Watch out, Matt. You're about to be replaced by a man who creates Russian dressing from common household condiments.
Mary, in her absolute tons of make-up, calls the CamPound, only to be hung up on by Ruthie. She calls again and says, "Ruthie, it's Mary!" "Yeah, I know," says Ruthie before hanging up again. Mary calls back and yells for Ruthie to put Annie on the phone. "Whatever you say," says her little sister. Then she hangs up. It would have been funny if I didn't hate this show. Ruthie runs upstairs.
Robbie combs his hair shirtlessly in the CamBath. The phone rings. Strangely, he pulls two phones out of the hamper and answers one. Mary, confused, tells him that she has the wrong number. Then she calls back. Robbie walks into the hall with the two phones, confused and clad only in a blue towel. Ruthie takes the ringing phone from him and hangs up on Mary again. She asks Robbie if Mary knows about him staying at the CamPound. "I don't know," says Robbie, "but look at my muscular torso." Annie walks up. Simon comes out of his room and asks if the phone was for him. Annie meanly asks if he was expecting a call. Ruthie says that she never, ever, ever wants to talk to the big, bad Mary again. She and Simon disappear. Annie glares at Robbie and takes a call from Mary. RevCam shows up and feasts his eyes while Robbie apologizes for breaking the nakedness rule. Robbie goes back into the bathroom, and Rev yells through the door at him. He says that Robbie can stay at their house until he finds a shelter in which to live. "Matt went home!" Annie bellows. RevCam asks if Mary wanted to talk to him. Robbie leaves the bathroom, and Annie gives him a filthy look. RevCam says that Robbie has a 4.0 GPA and is on the dean's list, even though he's homeless. If RevCam hadn't known Robbie for the past year, he'd want to adopt him. "You should get the divorce, first," Annie seethes. Damn, Annie. Mellow out. I mean, I know you're mad that Robbie interrupted your night of sex, and you're sad that the night of sex was only going to be with Eric, anywaybut try to cope, woman. Anyway, I liked this scene. It was a colorful pastiche of nothingness.