I want to start off by saying that there is not a single character on this show that I would not slap joyfully across the face. Thank you. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. And now on with the recap.
John and Matt are outside, having some convoluted discussion about Heather. Dopey's in a tizzy because Heather has left him a note saying she wishes to speak to him. Being the presumptuous, moronic twit that we all know he is, Matt automatically assumes that Heather wants to get back together with him. Yeah, that's it, Dopey, she can't get enough of your grimy hair and sparkling conversation. John is harassing Matt, who wants to stay home and wait for Heather to come back but doesn't want anyone to know that's what he's doing. John convinces Dopey to get behind the wheel of some sort of vintage convertible while John gets in the back seat. The convertible belongs to John's uncle, so why Dopey would be driving it is a mystery. I missed the first few seconds of the show, so maybe they explained it then. Somehow I doubt it, though. Before Matt starts driving, we get an endless close-up of him loading up a CD. Hey, it's just like watching The Truman Show! Except when I was watching The Truman Show, I didn't feel like crying tears of despair over the dialogue and plot. Anyway, since someone went to such effort to product-place the CD, I'll help out by mentioning that it's Riding With the King by B.B. King and Eric Clapton. Now I'll just try to forget that, though, since I really like both musicians and would rather not associate them mentally with this show in any way. Oh, wait a second. I just figured out why Dopey's driving. Gwen pointed out that on cover of the Riding With the King CD, Eric's driving while B.B. lounges in the back seat. Wow, isn't that clever how they copied it on the show? It's a good thing the cover just had a black guy and a white guy on it. If there'd been, say, an Asian guy too, the producers would have had to scramble to find an Asian character. Or maybe they would have been even more offensive and just brought back that older Japanese woman from the interment camp episode last season. So anyway, Dopey drives along while John air-drums in the back seat. That's cool, as far as I'm concerned. Less dialogue. I hope the choice of title track from Riding With the King isn't supposed to refer to Dopey in any way. Because I don't think there's any such title as King of the Losers, is there?
Dopey's not concentrating so hard on his driving that he can't keep an eye out for situations in which he can meddle. Why, there's one now! Okay, I can't legitimately claim I know much about teen fashion or current music or even slang more recent than 1990. Really, I can't. But even I know that the sight of Simon wearing baggy, baggy pants and a big chain necklace, while hanging around a street corner with a bunch of other clean-cut-looking kids who are shuffling their feet and listening to music that kind of sounds like Eminem, is not cause for fear or shock. No, it is cause for profuse and sustained guffawing. Ow, my stomach hurts now. You know, maybe my disbelief has something to do with the fact that I live in Canada, and while there's a group of teens who dress like Simon's little buddies and listen to Eminem and hang around my apartment building, they're always holding the door open for me and offering to press the elevator button for my floor when my hands are full of bags. Ooh, scary, huh? Naw, it's probably more that Simon's friends look totally harmless and unscary. So Dopey stops the car and gets out to drag Grandmaster S away from his homies. After Dopey and Simon ask each other what's wrong, Dopey says, "When did you start hanging out with guys like that?" He points to Simon's little gang. I suspect the director told the guys to look "tough." The look they come up with, though, is more of a "perplexed." Maybe the director actually asked them to figure out the atomic weight of chromium. It doesn't help that the ringleader kid is sporting goofy, badly spiked hair and a big bandanna headband that makes it look like he got lost en route to a Flashdance audition. Simon says he's just listening to some rap with his friends. Of course, he looks over at the token black cast member, John, who refuses to back him up. John adds that the music Simon is listening to is a "perversion of rap." Dopey tries to get Grandmaster S into the car, but Simon just tells him to mind his own business and walks away.
Opening credits. Yup, there's RevCam dancing with the tin cans in front of his eyes. Is someone deliberately trying to piss me off? Oh no, I can't worry about that now. I have to rewind the tape because...because...it's vomity Robbie, and he's not just a guest star -- he's in the opening credits! Oh, I knew I might get punished for some of the cheaper shots I've taken at this show, but I never dreamed the punishment would be this awful!
Dopey and John pull up in front of their Swingin' Bachelor Pad. Matt hurries out of the car and starts walking toward the building. Then he comes back and opens the door to let John out of the car. See, it's a two-door car, and even though it's a convertible, John couldn't just crawl over the door. I don't know, I didn't understand that either. John and Dopey talk about how Simon is trying to find his niche and be cool. Dopey opines that Simon will never find a woman who will like him if he's "blasting music that talks about beating women." That's weird -- for once, I agree with Dopey. John informs us of his plans for the rest of the day. Dopey spaces out and completely ignores him. John reclaims the Dopester's attention by asking him a question about himself -- something to do with whether Matt is going to hang around waiting for Heather. I decide to completely ignore them until John leaves. Dopey starts folding some laundry. There is a knock at the door. For some unexplained reason, this sends Dopey into a rage. Instead of answering the door, which is about three feet away, he calls out, with great exasperation, "Who is it?"
It is Eric, who replies, in falsetto, "Pants." Dopey says, "Pants who?" Oh, great, it's like a knock-knock joke. I haven't heard a good one of those in, well, ever. Maybe this one will break the pattern. Are you ready for the punchline? I hope you're sitting down and not drinking anything at the moment, because this might be really, really funny. Ready? Okay, then RevCam says, "Pants Daddy." Wait a second, that's the spot where the punchline belongs. Why are they saying stupid shit like "Pants Daddy"? That doesn't even make sense! Not only do they attempt to serve us the half-witted skeleton in the closet of the joke world, the knock-knock joke, but they can't even get that right? My disgust knows no limits. Ugh. I'm glad I've got all that disgust handy, because I'll be needing it when I see that Eric has brought over some dress pants that he calls "big-boy pants." Hey, that would make a passable name for a porno movie, wouldn't it? SuperMom has been shopping for pants, nothing but pants, for the entire family. Isn't there some neurological disorder that makes you want to do that? I thought I read about it in one of Oliver Sacks's books. So Annie thinks Dopey needs some dress pants to wear out on dates. I am so glad my mother has never taken such an active interest in my love life. Dopey appears to have some neurological disorder of his own, one which makes him fantasize that Heather actually wants him and then go on and on about that to RevCam. When he's done with that theme, Dopey warns Eric about Simon's new dangerous friends and bad taste in music. A totally disjointed conversation results. I suspect the longed-for effect is "funny." If you've been watching this show for any length of time, you won't be surprised that it falls far short of that mark. Either this scene has been edited to shit by a highly unskilled editor, or some writer snorted an entire gram of coke about one minute before hammering out the dialogue. Once the sad supply of "jokes" has been exhausted, Dopey hustles his dad out the door rudely. RevCam leaves right after saying, "I'll see you in church." It almost seems like there's a note of sarcasm in Stephen Collins's voice. Maybe it's his way of paying back whoever made him say his line, the incredibly stupid one where he asks Dopey if he's waiting around for Heather to come by. Just shut up already with that fucked-up excuse for a plot! I don't know how much more of that I can take. If we're all lucky, maybe Heather's been hit by a bus and she won't even be coming over.
Ruthie and Lucy are in line at a record shop when Simon's bandanna-ed Flashdance friend steps up to Lucy. He says to Lucy, "Mm, look at you. You look like you need a man." There's a pause in there that the closed captioning mistakenly says is bleeped out. Unless you're watching the captioning, you'd never know, because Flashdance's head is turned, so you can't even see that he's saying anything other than what you're hearing. This makes it a little confusing when Ruthie says, "I think he called you a bad word, a really, really bad word." Lucy just looks stunned and uncomprehending, giving Flashdance the opportunity to say, "The little one knows what I called her sister, but the sister don't [sic] know. Or maybe she know [sic] it [sic] true." His dirtbag friends are highly impressed by this not-so-witty repartee. Lucy actually has a good comeback when she disgustedly says, "'She know [sic] it [sic] true'? Look, you ignorant little -- what are you, a pimp? Get away from me!" Flashdance complies, but slaps Lucy's ass as he walks back to his friends. They congratulate him heartily, now that Lucy isn't threatening him.
That reminds me of this time I was walking around one of the universities here and saw a group of four guys verbally harassing two women as they walked by them. The women looked intimidated and weren't saying anything. I didn't say anything either, but as I walked by the guys, I gave them a look of disgusted disbelief. They waited about ten seconds, until I had passed them, before they started calling me names. What kind of troll harasses women like that anyway? But if you're going to call women names, how much more pathetic do you have to be to wait until they've walked past before you have the guts to do it? Lucy starts lecturing the store clerk because he hasn't thrown the guys out. He's blase about it. Lucy moves over to another cashier. As he rings up her sale, Ruthie asks, "What's a pimp?" Lucy replies, "It's a man who hates women." Okay, true, but that's not of much use as a real definition, is it? I mean, don't even bring the word onto a Family Hour show if you can't explain what it means. The second cashier congratulates Lucy, and she goes off on a diatribe about what just happened to her. I'm not sure if the writers are trying to say that Lucy is angry, and rightfully so, or that she's a hysterical female busting on any available man. I tend to expect the worst from this show, but I'm trying to be more positive, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. The cashier just replies that since she is the one-hundredth customer of the day, she has won three tickets to something called a "39" concert. I guess it's a pop group comprised of three scantily clad women. I think they're fictional, but Ruthie claims to love them, so whether they're real or not, you just know they suck. Ruthie thanks the clerk and starts to leave with Lucy. They stop when they see Simon standing with Flashdance and another loser outside the store. Ruthie asks if it's Simon standing with the "woman-hater." By the way, the store is called Tunes, just like the title of this episode. Isn't that exciting? Yeah, okay, I realize it's not, but you can't blame me for trying to inject a little excitement into what's turning out to be a pretty dull episode.
Grandmaster S tries to make his escape when he sees his sisters, but they flag him down and ask him about his buddy Flashdance, whose name turns out to be Norton. Jeez, no wonder the poor kid's so violent. If this were some other show, I'd entertain the possibility that naming this geek Norton was a sly reference to The Onion's Herbert "H-Dog" Kornfeld, "Tha Lowdown Funky-Fresh Gangsta Bad Ass of the Accountz Reeceevable Department of Midstate Office Supply." But dude, come on, it's 7th Heaven. Lucy asks Simon about his clothes. He seems inordinately proud of the "few adjustments" he made to his clothes to get such a fresh and not-at-all-clichéd look. Lucy informs him, "Your friend called me a name and slapped me on the butt in the record store." Aw, man, I can't believe they used the word "butt" on a G-rated show. We should start some kind of letter-writing campaign. Maybe Pat Buchanan can help us out. I doubt he has much else to do these days. Simon tries to argue that Tha N-Dog was just joking around. Ugh, whatever. Lucy does a good job of standing up for herself and explaining to Simon why she should not be treated with disrespect. I think that's cool, but I'm not entirely sure why she's asking Simon to "do something." I hope it's just because those are his friends and not because she thinks she can't take care of herself, because she did a pretty job of that back in the record store.
We never get to hear Simon's reaction because SuperMom strolls up just then. Grandmaster S introduces Annie and Lucy to Tha N-Dog, who strolls around Annie, gazing at her as lasciviously as an actor of his caliber can manage. He says, "So this is your mother. I see the resemblance, and I like it." Huh? First of all, Norton would have to have an IQ of 34 to talk to his friend's mother that way. And secondly, whose looks, exactly, does he like, Annie's or Simon's? I'm not real clear on that. Another cretin walks up and says, "What you say, mama?" Annie replies, "I say you're all pathetic." Word, Annie, though you might want to include some of your children and their lame sub-plots in that assessment. Tha N-Dog tries to tell Annie she has no business on the street because she respects "no man." He offers to teach her about respect. She says, "You want a piece of this? I brought seven kids into this world. I can take one out." So it's a little dorky, but I can respect her here. I just wish she hadn't been thumping her chest and making goofy faces. Okay, I'm slightly ashamed to admit this, but the visual made me laugh really hard. Still, I have to give the writers credit for trying. And they've got the reactions of the little gang down well. When confronted, Tha N-Dog and his posse are definitely cowards, and they prove it by retreating.
Well, that sure was a short-lived respect I had for the show, because the scene stars Dopey and his new pants. He's talking to himself in the mirror. That's all.
In his office, RevCam is surprised by the arrival of The Amazing Robbie and his long-suffering girlfriend Cheryl. Whoa, it's RevCam's lucky day. He's been selected to officiate at the upcoming nuptials of the revoltingly icky couple. He receives this news by putting on his "confused" look to lead us into the commercial break.
We never get to see the rest of that scene, because now Eric is in the CamKitchen listening to Grandmaster S begin his sorry tale of lameness. SuperMom comes in and interrupts, sending Ruthie and Lucy out of the room. She tells Eric what Norton and his friends did to her and Lucy. RevCam asks what word Norton called Lucy. Annie calls it "the B-word." I sigh. Annie, you can say that word on TV now. In fact, you can also say the G-word, the A-word, and even the F-word, at least on Canadian television. Just about the only word you can't say is the really offensive C-word. Anyway, RevCam goes ballistic and starts sputtering comically. Although the more I think about it, they probably weren't aiming for comedy. They did a nice job nonetheless. Bravo! Annie leaves the room, threatening to talk to Norton's mother.
RevCam notices Simon's pants and informs him that the whole baggy pants look got started in prison. He asks, "You know where you're going if you keep wearing your pants like that? Prison." Okay, that time I think they meant for it to be funny, although I still think they do unintentional comedy better. Grandmaster S says he "probably" doesn't want to be friends with Tha N-Dog anymore. RevCam latches onto the "probably" and works that theme into the ground before saying, "Can we make too big a deal out of someone calling your sister that word?" Um, I think you just did. I definitely am not condoning men dismissively calling women bitches, but it's also not the worst thing we can be called. And much like the word "fag," which has been reclaimed by some homosexuals, a lot of women call each other "bitch" with no bad connotations. So while I agree with RevCam, I'll bet his point would be better made if he could concede that there's validity to Simon's point that the word "bitch" has lost some of its sting from overuse. Simon begs RevCam not to let Annie contact Norton's mother. He leaves the room, and Annie comes back in. She is in shock from seeing Robbie and Cheryl in RevCam's office. Okay, if they were waiting for Eric in his office, what is he doing hanging around the kitchen in the first place? Never mind, I don't care enough to find out. SuperMom is more than a trifle upset about Robbie and Cheryl and she wants to make sure RevCam won't perform their wedding ceremony, since Robbie treats women like dirt. RevCam points out that at least the Amazingly Vomity Robbie is not marrying Mary. Annie tackily speculates on whether Cheryl is pregnant, then asks RevCam, "You wouldn't marry the guy off just to keep him away from our daughter, would you?" Eric goes back on what he said thirty seconds ago and answers with a faux-shocked, "Of course not!" He leaves.
Ruthie and Lucy have been listening in from the stairs. They go into the kitchen so that Ruthie can ask permission to go to the "39" concert. At first Annie refuses because she thinks Lucy is too young for a concert. Lucy goes into super-keener mode and tells Annie that she has listened to the "39" CD, "and there is nothing harmful about the lyrics, other than they say the same thing over and over and over again." Huh. That sure is a meta-statement about the show itself. Ruthie makes the mistake of claiming that the songs are about "love." Lucy clarifies that the big "39" hit song is about puppy love, and it's called "Puppy Me, Puppy You." She insists it really is about a golden retriever. Lucy, yeah, I'm not sure the bestiality angle will be a big selling point for your mom. Maybe you should just go back to pushing the "love" theme. Annie agrees to let the girls go to the concert, but only if they agree to leave immediately should the crowd get "rough." Tee hee! You know, come to think of it, Norton and his stupid headband probably would not look out of place at the "39" concert. Ruthie goes upstairs to get ready. Annie stares sadly at Lucy for a bit and then asks if she thinks Mary is still in touch with Robbie. Lucy doesn't know what's going on with Mary because Mary still won't speak to her. That makes Lucy one lucky bitch, in my opinion.
See, I had to provide the segue there, because the writers didn't. They just had Annie ask, totally out of the blue, "How do you get past being called that name and forget about it and go on?" Lucy says she has grown immune to that name. I have to confess, when this episode first aired, I missed the beginning and started watching right about now. I thought from the way they were talking that Lucy had been called a "whore" or a "slut," and I was thinking, Wow, I can't believe this is almost a good plot. I still think it would have been a much more powerful episode if they'd done it that way. And the bonus is that you wouldn't have to say coy shit like "the B-word" to keep the G rating. Annie tells Lucy not to become immune to being called names "because it's wrong, just wrong!" I'm on the fence on that one, but I tell you, having Annie deliver the line as over-dramatically as she did ain't exactly helping me to take the message seriously.
Over at the hospital, John is talking to someone named Dr. Walker, who is asking John if he's "stacking the CDs for the ORs." He wants John to add some CD to the mix. Thankfully, it's been a long time since I've had any surgery, but I certainly don't remember any music being played and I can't see that it would be a very good idea. Imagine how depressing it would be to hear songs about, say, death while your life was hanging in the balance. John doesn't want to add the doctor's CD to the mix, but he says it's because he finds the music offensive. The doctor threatens him in a half-assed way, but John stands his ground, claiming he's sure the hospital would never fire him for refusing to play music he found offensive. The doc tries to work the angle that John should like this music because he's black, but John calls him on it. All well and good, until we get to the part where John claims that every person who listens to that CD must hate women. Way to simplify an issue and make it pointless! Because it's 7th Heaven, though, the doctor changes his mind and apologizes.
The doctor leaves. A hot-looking African-American woman taps John on the shoulder and admits that she overheard his conversation with Dr. Walker. She offers to buy him a cup of coffee. He tells her she "may not," but that he will buy her that cup of coffee. Wow, stupid sexism like that pretty much cancels out any good messages that may have sneaked through into the viewers' brains so far. Instead of rolling her eyes and departing, Priscilla introduces herself and says she's been asking around about John. Hey, a female stalker for a change! Is that supposed to make it all right?
John turns around to see Heather watching him. She asks if Priscilla is his girlfriend. But enough about John -- it's Dopey we need to talk about, of course. Heather's been trying to find him. She says she will drop by the Swingin' Bachelor Pad at seven. The world awaits her news with bated breath.
But where is Dopey? He's at the CamPound to pick up Grandmaster S for a very special meeting with Tha N-Dog over at the Bachelor Pad. Annie doesn't want Simon leaving the house, and she doesn't believe he's being very sincere about being sorry for his own and Norton's behaviour. She says she will not be happy until she receives a real apology from Norton. Simon looks a little worried. That issue dispensed with, Annie chooses to concentrate on Dopey's new pants instead. At this point, I'm surprised the trousers weren't listed amongst the guest stars. While John is the Numero Uno Stupid Plot Enabler, Annie does a passable job here of establishing herself as the runner-up by obliquely asking about Dopey's love life. That gives him the cue to stupidly ask if Annie knows about Heather leaving a note for him. Gwen came up with the excellent theory about why Dopey always gets these offensively moronic sub-plots. At his age, he really should be having sex already, but since the show is rated G, they can't deal with any sex plotlines. So instead they have to substitute the drivel that currently makes it to air. I think Gwen's right, and that makes me feel pretty sorry for Barry Watson. But not that sorry. After all, he must get paid quite well to act like an imbecile. SuperMom informs Matt about The Amazing Robbie's impending nuptials.
And speaking of the happy couple, here they are now, enjoying the exciting conversational stylings of RevCam. Robbie looks a little dubious about the whole wedding deal, but Cheryl's gamely trying to stay upbeat, even when talking about how she's lived in her own apartment since the age of sixteen. Robbie isn't living with his mother anymore either; she abandoned him and moved to Florida. Except Robbie must be eighteen by now, so I'm not wasting too much sympathy on him. Cheryl is obviously not a churchgoer and claims she doesn't know any other ministers, so why she should feel so strongly about having a church wedding is beyond me. Eric claims he's not trying to judge them, but you just know he's going to tell SuperMom all about this conversation later, and then they'll both dis Robbie and Cheryl. In fact, to validate their earlier speculation regarding Cheryl's womb, it turns out that Cheryl is indeed pregnant. Does anyone care about her character? No, I didn't think so. ["Does 'thinking she has crap-ass taste in guys' count as 'caring'?" -- Sars] RevCam pretends to, but I think that's only because we're overdue for a commercial break, and apparently it makes for good TV to have a close-up of some character looking shocked or pensive while Kenny G plays us to commercial.
For once, there's a commercial even more offensive than the show. It's the one for "no nonsense" pantyhose where the guy introduces his young, attractive assistant to his wife, and the wife starts thinking all these bitchy thoughts about how thin the assistant is. Yes, advertising people, that's all us stupid bitches ever think about, is whether we're as thin as other women. You've got us pegged so well.
Ruthie comes downstairs to show off her concert outfit. It's a skanky little leopard-print number that looks like something Lucy might wear for a date. Except, all throughout this episode, Lucy has been wearing outfits that cover her up. We have a local tabloid called The Toronto Sun. It always has a half-page photo of a bikini-clad woman on page three. They call her the "Sunshine Girl." The picture of the "Sunshine Boy" is back around page 60 and is only a quarter page. The only time I know of that they have deviated from this formula was right after the Montreal Massacre, in 1989, when a rejected male applicant to Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal went on a rampage and killed 14 female students. The Sun hypocritically and nonsensically started putting the "Sunshine Girl" further back in the paper. Of course, that only happened for a few days, and pretty soon she was right back on page three again. I'm pretty sure that by week "Sunshine Lucy" will be back in her dominatrix boots and cleavage-popping dresses. The CamRents come in and start lecturing Ruthie about her outfit. SuperMom says that this episode is making her head hurt. She says "day" instead of "episode," but we all know what she really means. Lucy says she will make Ruthie change, and Ruthie throws her some attitude. Hold on, let me just get control of myself here -- it's so hard to type when you're laughing as hard as I am right now. Okay. Annie does that same chest-thumping thing she did to Norton earlier, and Ruthie actually runs away in fear. This may be the most unbelievable 7th Heaven scene ever.
Speaking of unbelievable, Norton and his little friends are on their way to Dopey's Swingin' Bachelor Pad. Tha N-Dog says he will make Simon realize that his mother has to treat his friends with respect, and then he will get Lucy's phone number. Okay, Norton. Yeah, I'm sure we all acknowledge your supreme coolness and all. But let me offer you a little help in the figuring-it-out department. Do you think it's possible that Lucy's phone number may be the same as Simon's? Just a thought.
Matt and Simon have a debate about the relationship between music and violence. Most of it makes sense, although I'm a little sick of the sermonizing by now. In fact, I'm so sick of this entire episode that I'm even going to let it slide that Matt is a fan of Tipper Gore and that Simon doesn't have the foggiest notion what the First Amendment is about.
A quick shot of Norton and the boys swaggering toward the Swingin' Bachelor Pad like deranged elves perks me up again.
That's good, because it's time for another lecture. Since Lucy's whole strategy is to tell Ruthie that she's too young to dress like a ho, Annie takes over. She says, "I don't think you're too young to dress like this; I think you're too smart to dress like this." Ha, burn on you, Lucy! The conversation takes a downturn, however, when SuperMom trots out the old "ideal world" argument -- the one about how women are supposed to wear anything they want, no matter how revealing, but only in a ideal world. I hate that argument for a couple of reasons. The first one is that rape can happen to any woman, no matter how old or attractive or provocatively dressed she is. That's because rape is about power, not sex. The second reason is that, while I don't think revealing clothing will necessarily make it more likely a woman will be raped, it probably will make it less likely that a woman's rapist would be prosecuted. The justice system can be really fucked up like that. Anyway, you're not here to read a PSA, so I'll leave it at that. While I give the writers credit for tackling a complicated issue, I just wish they had done a better job with it and not sent out so many mixed messages. The rest of Annie's speech is pretty good, though. The gist of it is that the problem of some men treating women like objects goes back to the dawn of time, and that women are not to blame for this. Then she segues abruptly into telling Ruthie not to sacrifice her individuality by dressing like her peers. Did someone lop off the middle of this scene or something?
Dopey is still lecturing Simon, but we're spared from listening to it when John interrupts. He's all excited about finding "Ms. Right." Dopey could not care less, as he offers up a dumb comment about that model he made out with. John doesn't fall for this subject switching and tries to talk about himself some more, enthusing about how he's got a date to take Priscilla to church. Nope, not even a glimmer of interest or encouragement from Dopey. Now, I know in the past I've suggested that John needs his own life instead of being so fixated on Matt's. I won't take that back, but I would like to amend it to say that while John does deserve to have his own life, I'm not so sure I want to hear about it. We learn that both Norton and Heather are schedule to arrive at the Swingin' Bachelor Pad at seven. All three guys rush out of the apartment. I'm not sure why.
Outside, Norton and his putrid little friends are having a break-dancing competition. Naw, I'm just kidding -- though I wouldn't have been surprised if they had. In the real world, has anyone even done any break-dancing in the past ten years? Norton and company are all ganging up on Heather. Dopey rushes over to save the day, but Heather's already got the situation under control. All right, Heather! I'm sorry I was hoping you'd get run over by a bus earlier! She disses the junior homies to Dopey while Simon tackles Norton and gives him hell for hassling women. Just when it looks like we might be subjected to some more big-time sermonizing, the cops pull up. We take a small detour into the 7th Heaven fantasy of how the legal system works. Norton claims that he's being attacked, but the cop says, "Nice try, sonny. One of the neighbours called it in. She has it all on video." She doesn't ask anyone any questions or read Norton his rights; she just puts him in the cruiser and drives off. I know, I know, I shouldn't expect even an approximation of reality from the same people who tried to make us believe that RevCam could repossess his adult daughter's car without her permission. But sometimes it all just brings me down, man, you know?
Back at the CamPound, Eric opens the door to find Cheryl. She tells Eric that she just found out she's not really pregnant. She's afraid to tell Robbie because then he might not marry her. Honestly, in this day and age, is any woman even cretinous enough to attempt this particular stunt? No, really, I want to know. Especially if the man in question is someone as laughably loserish as Robbie. It confounds logic. Oh, and writers? Nice job including this plotline in an episode that's supposed to be breaking down old sexist stereotypes. Is there some kind of moral equilibrium that needs to be maintained? I mean, if one story arc aims too high and actually makes some good, common-sense points, must you then include something as puerile as this man-trapping plot to bring the show back down to its usual depths? Cheryl apparently thinks RevCam won't help her convince Robbie to marry her, because she says, "Remember, if you don't marry us, [Robbie will] end up with Mary." It's hard to tell if her threat works, but Eric does give her a hug. Whether that's for her benefit or his, we'll never know.
Upstairs at Dopey's, Heather and Matt are discussing how cool it was that she vanquished Tha N-Dog and company. Dopey says he never knew about her self-defense skills, and she points out that there's a lot he doesn't know about her. I guess it's a good thing they never got married, although I'd rather see her as a member of the CamFam than (shudder!) Robbie. She compliments Dopey's incredible pants; he tries to be modest. Then Heather drops the bombshell that she's dating a professor at Crawford. Dopey evidently does not care much. Heather says she hopes he's not wearing new pants just for her. What an odd thing to say -- but since everyone else seems so obsessed with Dopey's pants this week, I guess she's just following the crowd. Dopey injects a note of reason when he says, "They're just new pants." Amen! Can we all please stop talking about them now?
Okay, kids, just a few more educational lectures to get through and then we're home free. And just in the nick of time, too, because really, they've pretty much run out of ways to illustrate this week's point. John has a talk with Simon about how things are worse for women now, in terms of the hatred they receive from men. Personally, I don't think that's true, but maybe some women disagree. I'll bet that it's always been fashionable to be alarmist about the current moral state of the world when compared to past times. Oh, and then there's the fact that I don't put much stock in what the writers of 7th Heaven say, because they're so often wrong and misguided. John's speech is good, it just covers territory that's already been covered in this episode.
SuperMom drives up and Simon gets into the car. Annie asks him what he's going to do now about the Norton situation, and Simon replies that he's more worried about what Annie must think of him than he is of what Norton thinks. Or, to put it the way Simon does to Annie, "My biggest worry is that you may never respect me as a man." I would like to nominate this line as the single funniest one I have ever heard on this show. Simon continues to apologize. He adds, "I never want to be a part of anything that humiliates you or Lucy or Ruthie." I snicker because Mary is conspicuously absent from the list. Mother/son hug, treacly background music, end of scene.
Eric is in his back yard, conversing with The Amazing Robbie. Vomity Robbie is a trifle upset with Cheryl, but not so much because she tried to trick him into marriage -- no, he's upset because she tricked him into sex. He claims she fed him some line about needing to have sex to clear up "some kind of female problem." I know y'all probably are tired of me saying stuff like this, but really, how stupid would Robbie have to be to believe a line like that? Or alternatively, how stupid would he have to be to think RevCam would buy this as a valid excuse from him? Come on, just how stupid is Robbie anyway? Well, plenty! When RevCam asks him to absorb some of the lessons he's learned today, Robbie affects an even blanker than usual look and asks, "Like?" Hee! If more comedy like this is in store, then bring on the Robbie. I think I can handle it. Actually, RevCam and Robbie have way more chemistry than Robbie and Mary ever did. They're a regular Laurel and Hardy, as Eric tries to explain to Robbie what respect for women is all about. RevCam suggests that Robbie take notes. I guess the show budget doesn't allow for a trip to Business Depot for a pad of paper and pencil, though, because I don't see any note-taking happening.
Lucy and Ruthie arrive. Robbie, a.k.a. Mr. Charming, suavely says, "Good evening, ladies," and then looks over at Eric, as if to say, "Look! Pretty damn respectful, huh?" Ruthie elected to skip the concert so that she could spend the evening talking to Lucy at a hamburger joint. Yeah, that might happen. Lucy and Ruthie depart. RevCam asks Robbie if he will be speaking to Mary again. Robbie thinks he should just let Mary think he got married so that she can find a new boyfriend in Buffalo. Right, because a woman is nothing without a boyfriend, of course. RevCam says, "If I'm to be respectful of my daughter, I have to tell her the truth." Eric, you know, it's way too late to be respectful of your daughter. You breached her confidentiality all over town and illegally took possession of her car. Just because the Glenoak busybodies helped you out with all that still doesn't make it right. Robbie leaves, but not before thanking Eric for "saving" his "life." The sad music plays while Stephen Collins tries not to laugh at the stupidity of this episode. Fortunately, I don't have to be as polite.