Man, could this episode start off more annoyingly? To be fair, I'm trying to quit smoking this week, so there are a lot -- a lot -- of things that irritate holy hell out of me right now. Still, even if I were sipping my second or third margarita and chain-smoking an entire carton of Marly Lights, there's just no way SuperMom could fail to annoy me as she tries make up for countless episodes of ignoring the twins by getting them to cheer about their upcoming birthday celebration. The closed captioner doing this episode optimistically captions one of the twins as saying, "Yay," but I think it's a stretch. Of course they're finding it hard to talk; they're a year old! One more shouted "yay" out of you, Annie, and I'll poke you till you fall off your chair. All I can say is that if I make it through this recap without buying a pack of smokes, I probably don't have to worry about being able to stay away from cigarettes for good.
While I'll admit that the women in my family are not noted for an excess of maternal spirit, my mom and sister are both good mothers, and I'd like to think I could be a good mom one day too. I'd also like to think I'd do some of the things Annie's done for her children, like defend them against nasty teachers or unfair principals. I'll tell you what I won't do, though -- I won't try to guilt people into buying gifts for my kids, even if the people I'm guilting are family members. That's in bad taste no matter what the circumstances. I've been to enough first-birthday parties to know that, generally, the best part of the gift for the recipient is the box, especially if it's colourfully wrapped and has some glittery ribbons on it that the child can play with (while supervised). I also know that the odds of the guest of honour having his feelings hurt because someone has failed to mark the occasion of his first birthday with a present are extremely slim. So if Annie's gonna openly hassle the family members about providing gifts for the twins, she might as well tell them the real reason she wants the gifts: so that she will get to open them and feel appreciated.
Ruthie is pissed because the twins' birthday falls on Valentine's Day, and she doesn't want the birthday interfering with the sanctity of VD. Whatever. Annie claims the birth of the twins was a sacred event. I think it was more of a weird, going-along-with-the-crowd decision, since apparently no television show can be considered complete these days unless there's a baby on it. Whatever to that, too. Annie chastises Ruthie for not appreciating the twins more, and Ruthie behaves insolently. Then, as Ruthie runs up the stairs, Annie calls out that she better be getting the twins a gift. Ugh -- once more, with feeling: Whatever!
Lucy asks Ruthie why she's so sad, to which Ruthie replies, "The same reason I'm always sad: the babies have ruined my life." Ruthie glumly bitches about Valentine's Day some more and then leaves. Lucy smiles as if this little tirade had been cute.
SuperMom answers the phone to hear Robbie on the other end. She can't wait to hand over the phone to Mary, but Robbie wants to talk to Annie instead. He tells some convoluted story about wanting to take Mary to the Tick Tock Diner where his parents first met so they can all have Valentine's dinner together. I won't argue with Robbie over the part where he says this ritual is "crazy." SuperMom agrees to talk to Eric about it, and also to keep it a secret from Mary so that it will be a surprise. Lucy runs through the kitchen on her way to do some work in the garage. She apologizes for working on the Sabbath, but claims it's for a good cause. Annie asks her if it's something for the twins. Annie, I really hope that when listening to you solicit gifts ad nauseam makes me take up smoking again, you'll be pleased. I really do. Simon and his little girlfriend Deena charge in through the kitchen door and go off somewhere, holding hands and looking as though they're about to have sex. RevCam comes in the door, and Annie asks him what's up with Simon. RevCam doesn't know but thinks it has something to do with Valentine's Day. He starts nattering on about Valentine's Day bringing up issues. I don't understand him, and neither does SuperMom. All I can really make out is that he has "issues" regarding the twins. Lovely.
Deena is bitching at Simon for giving her a hickey. She's especially mad because she only owns two turtlenecks. Simon asks to see her neck and then looks all horndog proud of the territorial mark he's left there. Deena shoots him a dirty look, and he stops laughing. She says, "I'm going to do the same to you, because that's the only fair thing to do." Huh? Simple Simon and his little girlfriend are plenty weird, but this is odd even for them. I remember the episode where they talked about scheduling their "make-out sessions." If they were ten years older than they are now, I could picture them scheduling sex -- once a week, on Friday nights, in bed with the lights out, always saving things like love bites for "Special Occasions." ["I was going to make a snide comment about the missionary position here, but then I had to go throw up for three hours." -- Sars]
Dopey's energetically mopping the hospital cafeteria floor when Heather comes up to him and says, "Is that a mop, or are you just happy to see me?" There's no way Barry Watson can make laughing at that joke believable, and I don't blame him one iota. He just stands around looking uncomfortable as hell that he's on a show where jokes like that get told. The actress who plays Heather doesn't look much happier at having to say that line, either. At least it's finally time for the opening credits and some commercials.
Dopey's long-suffering roommate, John, keeps unplugging the phone when it rings. That's kinda rude, if you ask me, although I assume it's Chickenhead he keeps hanging up on, so I guess it's okay. Dopey and Heather walk in. Dopey wants to know if Shana's called. John looks irritated as he says, "Yes, she did, more than once." He adds that Chickenhead is going out but that she'll call Dopey when she gets back. Okay, then I'm confused: Who was John hanging up on before? Heather says she likes the bunk beds, which I've never seen before. "Really?" says Dopey. "Shana hates them." We're saved from having to hear what else Shana likes and dislikes when Heather informs us that she's transferred to Crawford. I am amazed at how much new information we've received in the past few episodes: the names of the twins, the name of the school Dopey and John attend, the fact that they actually have beds of some sort in their swingin' bachelor pad. Anyway, John is surprised that Dopey never told him Heather transferred to their school. Dopey looks around shiftily. I can see why Dopey would want to keep Chickenhead in the dark concerning Heather; I have no idea why John's not supposed to know. What can I say? The stupid are different from you and me.
SuperMom and RevCam are picking up about a thousand toys scattered around the living room couch. I think that makes it even weirder that Annie is pimping for the twins. RevCam leeringly asks if he and Annie have time for a Sunday afternoon nap. I thought Sweeps Month was when the networks tried to lure viewers in, not turn them off with allusions to the CamRents' no-doubt-icky sex life. Speaking of icky, Mary comes in to ask if she's correct in assuming that no one's allowed out of the house on Valentine's Day. SuperMom confirms that Mary's assumption is correct. The phone rings, and Lucy shouts that it's Robbie calling. Mary runs off blissfully. SuperMom tells Eric about Robbie's plan to bring Mary to meet his parents. She gives about ten reasons justifying why it should be okay with RevCam, but he's still hesitant about trusting Robbie. I hate to see RevCam be right about anything, but in this case his judgment's pretty good.
Robbie and Mary are talking on the phone, and he's trying to convince her that he's thrilled about attending the twins' family birthday party, "corny" though it may be. She tries to get him to come over that night, but he says he can't because he has to work. He says he'll see her tomorrow and hangs up. Mary tells Lucy that every time she talks to Robbie, she feels like she's "just jumped off a cliff and [she's] helplessly falling and falling and falling." Lucy laughs at her and leaves. I'd laugh too, but I'm too busy wallowing in self-pity because not only am I listening to some of the stupidest dialogue in the history of television, but I'm listening to it without a cigarette in my hand.
Lucy's heading back to the garage to work on her secret project some more when SuperMom stops her for a chat. She's wondering who Lucy wants to invite to the twins' birthday party. Does anyone else think it's a little weird that SuperMom is pressuring her teenage daughter to bring a date to a family function? Okay, I'm glad to know it's not just me. Lucy pretends to be happy to be spending Valentine's Day with her family, although I suspect she just doesn't want to expose any of the boys she knows to Annie's weird gift solicitations on behalf of the twins. SuperMom grills Lucy on all three of the boys she's dated recently. Lucy says that she and Andrew have chemistry but that she needs more than that to have a "real relationship with a guy." SuperMom looks thrilled by that after Lucy leaves. I remember Andrew as the rude guy who invited Lucy on a date and then expected her to pay for everything and let a door slam in her face at the theatre. I think it's safe to say he's no prize.
Lucy heads on over to the garage, pulling out a set of keys to unlock the garage door. Someone is already inside, though -- it's Simon and Deena, who have probably been indulging in one of their hot scheduled make-out sessions. There's some argument over who's allowed in the garage, and Simon asks Lucy not to say anything to the CamRents about him and Deena being there. Lucy locks the door when they leave, as if anyone cares about her stupid secret project. Well, actually, Ruthie does, and she attempts to spy through a window on the door to the garage. Oddly enough, this makes me less interested than ever in Lucy's project.
SuperMom's still excited when RevCam walks into the kitchen. The source of her glee: "Our daughter actually said that she was looking for more than chemistry in a relationship!" He's hoping against hope that the daughter in question is Mary. He goes on to say that he really wants to trust Robbie, but he just can't yet. I should just program a macro that will write a paragraph describing this conversation every time it's held, because it's always the same. The big (and only) difference this time is that Mary is eavesdropping from the stairs. The CamRents also compliment Mary and call her "a good kid." Dopey and Heather walk in. Dopey, referring to Heather, says, "Look who's back in town!" The CamRents do not respond very enthusiastically. Poor Heather, she's gonna develop a complex soon about how everyone always seems so disappointed to see her.
After the commercial break, Heather and SuperMom are chatting it up while RevCam meddles in Dopey's life, trying to blame the appearance of Heather for Dopey's problems with Chickenhead. When Dopey says that he has no new problems with Chickenhead, RevCam says that's only because Chickenhead doesn't know about Heather's return yet. Was there a point to any of this? Dopey and Heather leave to get a cappuccino. I think I'm mildly allergic to caffeine, but I'm considering picking it up again to help me get through this show awake.
Simon comes into the kitchen. He's wearing a turtleneck and profusely complimenting Annie on the dinner she cooked. The salmon was wonderful, the vegetables "steamed to perfection." RevCam trips him up by asking about dessert, which Simon says was "the best!" It turns out they didn't have dessert. I'd laugh along with the all-around hilarity here, but I'm too busy crying in self-pity again. What kind of freak writer thought this scene was good in any way? But wait, it gets worse. Simon says he's finished his homework so he's going to watch TV. Ruthie reacts to her cue and comes in just in time to tell Simon that she will join him but that they should change into their pajamas first. Simon nixes this idea and nervously says he's going to his room to read. Ruthie wonders aloud why Simon is wearing Lucy's turtleneck. By the way, this is what TV writers like to call "comic relief," in case you weren't picking up on the "comic" part.
The phone rings. Mary answers it to hear Chickenhead clucking about Matt. Mary tells her that Dopey has left the building, which leads Chicken to start complaining about not being able to reach him anywhere. She says she shouldn't ask this of Mary, but she needs to know if Dopey is seeing someone else. As soon as the question is out of her mouth, she retracts it. It's too late, though, because Mary answers it anyway, saying that Dopey is just hanging out with Heather, so Chicken shouldn't worry, since Dopey and Heather are just friends. Chickenhead looks pissed, though she puts on a brave front for Mary, even when Mary offers to have both Matt and Heather call her if they come by. Chickenhead puts a bit of spin on the word "them" when she says, "Yes, have them call me," but Mary is too dumb and self-involved to notice. As soon as she hangs up on Chickenhead, she dials a local number and waits while the phone rings, but no one picks it up. Lucy walks in and asks who Mary's calling, which is pretty damn rude, actually, but I think it's done just so the stupider viewers will know for sure that Mary's been calling Robbie, even though he's supposed to be at work. Lucy tells Mary not to torture herself since she'll be seeing Robbie tomorrow, on Valentine's Day, when he'll be giving her a present. Lucy asks, "Isn't that enough?" Mary wishes that she and the CamRents could trust Robbie. Lucy points out that their parents don't trust any guys they go out with. You'd think Mary would remember that, considering that RevCam is always stalking his daughters whenever they're out on dates.
Dopey and Heather are at a restaurant, discussing why Dopey has not told Chickenhead yet about Heather's return. He claims that he has to time everything perfectly now that he is in a long-distance relationship. He gets distracted when he looks across the room to see Robbie standing with his skanky-looking girlfriend -- the skank who's not Mary, I mean. Robbie sees Dopey staring at him, so he comes over to say hi. He and Dopey briefly insult each other about being out with women who are not their girlfriends. Then Robbie tries to pretend that his non-Mary girlfriend is actually his brother's girlfriend, while Dopey pretends that Heather and Shana are great friends. The scene creaks along in this fashion for a while, until Dopey promises Heather that he will tell Chickenhead she's back in town.
Simon's lying on his bed, reading. Ruthie comes in to ask him, "What's with the 'turtle shirt'?" Nothing perks up a dull show quicker than a little Family Circus-style humour! Ruthie leaves, but not before threatening that things will get "interesting" tomorrow. Please, Ruthie, don't torture me with your empty promises. Simon replies with a reminder for Ruthie to come up with some gifts for the twins. Then he talks to Happy for a bit, saying, "I bit a person, and then I let a person bite me. What was I thinking?" Happy barks once, trying futilely to get Simon to shut up with the TMI.
Back at Dopey's swingin' bachelor pad, the Dopester and John argue about Chickenhead -- again. Dopey says that until he can honestly say whether or not he still has feelings for Heather, he doesn't want to talk to Chickenhead. He tries to weasel out of the whole conversation by saying he has to call Mary and warn her about Robbie. He tries, but the line is busy.
That's because Mary's talking to the amazingly sleazy Robbie. He's wisely decided to head Dopey off at the pass by telling Mary he was out with another woman. Except he's making up some convoluted story about this other woman being his brother's girlfriend, and he met her when she was out shopping for a beeper for her boyfriend, blah blah. It's all very weird, but Mary buys it, even though to me it sounds like this girl would have had to be shopping for a beeper on a Sunday night. It's been about a year since I've shopped in the States on a Sunday night, but I remember the only open stores being grocery stores and those super-big-ass Wal-Marts. Although Mary hasn't asked him, Robbie starts asserting that he is not seeing anyone else. This would be a red flag to most women, but Mary is evidently really stupid. I guess we established that a long time ago, though. Robbie starts telling her about his feelings for her, but she cuts him off to say that they should share their feelings as a gift to each other for Valentine's Day. Blechh! Robbie pretends this is charming, though you can tell he's just congratulating himself for getting away with all these lies.
Mary hangs up the phone and starts bouncing up and down on her bed, saying, "He loves me, he loves me, he loves me!" Lucy asks her about her trust issues, but Mary just scoffingly says, "He loves me; of course I can trust him!" Ouch. That attitude pretty much guarantees that heartbreak is right around the corner.
Meanwhile, Robbie has told his non-Mary girlfriend that he was on the phone with his mother. It must be really hard to keep all those lies straight. He accepts an ice-cream cone from his non-Mary girlfriend, and they walk away with their arms around each other.
Dopey finally reaches Mary on the phone, but she cuts off his big Robbie revelation to say that Robbie already explained to her about being out with "his brother's girlfriend." Dopey asks, "And you believe him?" Poor delusional Mary replies with, "Yes, and you know why? Because he loves me." I'd laugh if that weren't so sad. I do laugh, though, when Mary says that she'd told Chickenhead about Dopey being out with Heather. Dopey just drops the phone. He's (heh heh) dumbfounded.
The day, Ruthie comes home from school to find SuperMom engaged in party preparations. Ruthie tries to get out of the party by saying she ate too much candy and doesn't feel very well. SuperMom uses this opportunity to harangue Ruthie about getting a gift for the twins. Ugh, shameless. Mary and Lucy come in. Mary is as self-centred as always, deigning to talk only long enough to confirm the time of the dinner so she can make sure Robbie will be there. Ruthie starts hassling Lucy about the "surprise gift" she's building in the garage. Ruthie complains that no one ever built her a birthday present. SuperMom tries to prove she hasn't been playing favourites by listing off things she's made for Ruthie, but she only comes up with two items, and Ruthie's upstairs by then anyway. Lucy leaves too, but Simon takes her place. SuperMom informs him that she asked his little girlfriend Deena to the fantabulous birthday/VD party. Simon is less than thrilled. He talks about exchanging hickeys with Deena as a way of showing how much they care about each other, although he manages to do this without actually mentioning or showing his love bite. As Simon leaves, SuperMom tells him the party's at six, but he declines to acknowledge this in any way. Ruthie comes down again and pretends to be upset because she doesn't see the twins. When she finds out the boys are just out with RevCam, she doesn't even try to hide her disappointment that the twins aren't really missing. Nothing can bring down SuperMom, though, in her anticipation of opening all those gifts she's harassed her family into buying for the twins.
Robbie and Matt run into each other at the front door of the CamPound. They get into another pissing match over their alleged infidelities, but we're fortunate enough to have their elementary-school-playground-style dialogue interrupted by Simon's little girlfriend Deena. After Dopey lets everyone into the house and Mary drags Robbie away without a word of greeting to anyone, Simon and Deena are left alone. Her parents knows about the hickey, and they are angry. Part of Deena's punishment is that she must attend this party. Oh, without a turtleneck, I mean. I sure wouldn't want you to think I was trying to imply that attending this party was some sort of punishment! Deena whines that her parents won't like Simon anymore. Well, as I recall, they already didn't like him, so I don't see what the big problem is.
Mary is thanking Robbie for spending so much time with her family. She concludes that he must really like her. He puts off declarations of love until later and tells Mary about his plan to have her meet his parents at the Tick Tock Diner. She is just overwhelmed that the CamRents trust them in a car together, "on Valentine's" no less! What is with this pukey obsession with Valentine's Day? Like the CamRents are supposed to trust Mary and Robbie more on some other day because teenage sex is less likely to happen?
Oh, goody, here comes everyone else for the big birthday party. And they're all wearing party hats! Damn, that's annoying. Even Happy is wearing a party hat. Dopey is not, though. Maybe it slipped off his greasy locks. SuperMom thanks Ruthie for being the official photographer and tells her to take lots of pictures. Ruthie's not enthused. RevCam and Dopey put the twins down in front of their birthday cake. Everyone applauds when one of the boys sticks his hand in the frosting and then licks his finger. I'd probably think that was cute if a kid I liked were doing it, but the twins do nothing for me, so all I'm thinking right now is that I'm glad I'm not at that party, where I would have to pretend to enjoy a piece of the bacteria cake. SuperMom tries to get Ruthie to take a picture, but she says, "Nah, we don't wanna remember that." You know, this is probably the first time Ruthie's ever made me laugh. Okay, "laugh" is probably too strong a word, but I did smile. Lucy and Mary give the boys cowboy hats, but it turns out that the hats actually belong to Dopey and Simon. Lucy says, "We'll come up with something else." RevCam makes her repeat herself. He's been acting weird anyway, giving a commentary on the party action to no one in particular. Is he wired for sound or something? It makes no sense. Simon offers to baby-sit but is unsure if the offer will be accepted. He and Deena show off their hickeys, and Ruthie finally finds something she deems worthy of photography. SuperMom takes the camera away, and Mary and Dopey laugh. RevCam shoots Dopey a dirty look, and he apologizes, saying, "When you're depressed, it's the small things that make you laugh." He deflects attention from his laughter by offering his gift: the twins' hospital ID bracelets from the day they were born. Dopey's had the bracelets laminated. I can see where that might be appreciated by parents, but it's still kind of a weird gift. Not as weird as Ruthie's, though -- she's given them each a "fresh California egg." I hate to say it, but for a few minutes, I've actually kind of liked Ruthie. I know that will pass soon, so I'm not too worried. RevCam's making an audio recording of the party as his gift for the twins. Okay, who gave the lamest gift? Many worthy candidates, but I'd have to say RevCam. Ruthie's gift seems to have pushed SuperMom over the edge. She tells everyone they can leave but that they better go fast, before she changes her mind. Simon and Eric are not allowed to leave; they are to meet SuperMom in the kitchen. But first she asks Lucy what happened to the big surprise gift in the garage. Lucy says it's a Valentine's gift for Ruthie. SuperMom tries to get her to not give Ruthie the gift, but Lucy insists.
"Hickeys?" asks RevCam. "Or love bites," answers Simon. "But 'hickey' is fine. They still call them that." Screw semantics; SuperMom just wants to know why. Simon says, "We were just trying to show each other how much we cared." This statement is met with violent heaving (on my part) and expectant silence from the CamRents. Eventually, Simon continues with the admission that he and Deena were just trying to show other people how they felt about each other. That's a pretty sophisticated observation from a thirteen-year-old. Annoying, whiny Deena comes into the kitchen to ask if she should leave. The CamRents want her to stay and talk instead. Simon asks to speak to Deena alone. He apologizes and says he should have followed his first instinct, which was to tell Deena he loves her. And he hopes he and Deena will love each other for the rest of their lives. Right now these two irritate me so badly that I want to hope the same thing for them. They share a chaste little kiss, and then Deena whines that she loves him. Annie and RevCam have been continuing the proud Camden tradition of eavesdropping from the other side of the kitchen door. SuperMom says she could cry. RevCam just wants to know if they're still punishing Simon. "Oh, yeah," says Annie, "he'll think twice before he bites someone else again." RevCam laughs about Ruthie's gift to the twins, which makes Annie all sad, because she wanted the twins' first birthday to be "so perfect." I do feel a little bad for her, despite her tacky gift-soliciting shenanigans. But then RevCam distracts me by kissing Annie and saying, "This is much better." Huh? What's better? What does this conversation have to do with the twins' birthday party anyway? Damn it, I just don't understand what these Camdens are talking about half the time! That's okay -- I'm just glad they haven't driven me to smoke yet.
Lucy and Ruthie are out in the garage, where Lucy has unveiled her gift. Aww! It's a separate little house for Ruthie. Lucy promises to get Dopey and RevCam to move it into the backyard so that Ruthie won't have to live with the rest of the Camdens anymore. Lucy claims she built the house to show Ruthie how much she loves her, and she doesn't actually tell her she has to live separately from the rest of the family, but we all know that's what she means. She asks Ruthie why she gave the twins eggs for their birthday. If the writers were smart, they would have Ruthie tell the story of how eggs used to be a traditional gift in China upon the birth of a new baby. Nope, the writers would rather use the chance to make a puerile joke -- in this case, it's something about there being two eggs in the fridge and only one pickle. Lucy and Ruthie hug, and I think it's a pretty sweet moment. It would be sweeter still if I didn't suspect they were just huddling together in terror over the possibility of the writers coming up with any more jokes like that pickle one. Just kidding.
Robbie and Mary pull up in front of a seedy motel. Robbie is gentlemanly enough to go around to Mary's side of the car and open the door for her. She gets out and looks around, finally asking, "Where's the Tick Tock? The coffee shop?" Anything having to do with Robbie's weird story about the "Tick Tock" coffee shop is funny enough to me, except this time it's even better, because as Mary's asking this, there's a glitch in my cable feed which causes Mary's head to pouf out in weird formations. Robbie explains that he made up the whole charming story about his parents meeting at the "Tick Tock Diner." What? Dear heavens, Robbie, no! Don't tell me you lied about the Tick Tock! It seems his parents actually spent their first Valentine's Day at this seedy motel, since they were both married to different people at the time. He thinks it would be romantic to spend his first Valentine's Day with Mary at the same motel. I'd be laughing a lot harder if I didn't keep getting this creepy mental image of Robbie's parents telling the kids this not-at-all-touching story of their courtship. Ick, no wonder Robbie's so screwed up. Mary's having a little trouble getting used to this idea. She asks Robbie if he brought her here to -- she trails off, not wanting to say the word "sex," I guess. Robbie, replies, "Yeah, because I love you. And I hope you love me." Mary slaps him so hard that he falls on his back. I try not to hurt my own back as I fall off my chair laughing at the Aaron Spelling-ness of it all.
Speaking of Spelling trademarks, when we cut back from commercial, another plot is being rehashed for about the thousandth time. Chickenhead and Dopey are talking about their relationship again. It all boils down to Chicken not believing that Dopey isn't interested in Heather. She wants to set him free so she can find out if he really loves her. There's more, but I'm having a hard time hearing it over the snoring of my rabbits, who ask me to play tapes of this show when they have difficulty falling asleep. Dopey sulkingly wishes Chickenhead a happy Valentine's Day, and she just says goodbye to him. It looks like they're broken up. Okay, great. Moving right along, Chicken's roommate, Brett, starts massaging her shoulders and saying he will take her out for a late dinner. Then they can come home and watch "a bad movie on TV." Chickenhead comments that this sounds like a date. He jokingly asks, "Too soon?" When she turns around to whack him with a pillow, he leans in and kisses her. My first instinct is to say that he's being kind of presumptuous and insensitive, but then, anyone's better than Dopey, and the sooner Shana realizes this, the better. Hmm, it looks like she's already realized it.
Dopey stares at the phone he's just hung up. We hear a knock at the door. Dopey and John argue over who should answer it. Dude, how about you both chill out and nobody answers it. That works for Mr. Cate and me. Besides, it's probably Heather, and she's hearing-impaired, so you could blare some Zeppelin if you wanted, and she still wouldn't hear you to know you were home. But I don't think I'd want to avoid Heather anyway -- she's turning into the best character on the show. I probably shouldn't get too attached to her, though, since it looks like she'll be outta there after this ep. She's telling Matt not to let Chickenhead know she's in town. When Dopey asks why not, Heather says, "Because I shouldn't have told you I'm back." She doesn't want to be responsible for creating problems between Dopey and Chicken, and when she hears that they have broken up, she encourages Matt to "make it work." They hug, and Heather leaves. Dopey must be extra-stupid to choose Chickenhead over Heather. He dials Shana's number, but lo and behold, she's not there. I assume she's out with Brett.
The CamRents are making out in the kitchen when Mary walks in, wiping her eyes. She says that tonight she "got to know the real Robbie Palmer," and that she can't believe he would make up "that stupid story" about the Tick Tock Diner just to get her to have sex. I agree, Robbie is pretty scuzzy, and I thought that from the start, but I really do love the utter weirdness and extreme stupidity of the diner story. Mary feels dumb for having trusted Robbie, and she admits her parents were right not to trust him. Annie apologizes for being right about Robbie, and somebody says something about trusting Mary more now, but I can't hear it over the snoring of the -door neighbours, who must have nodded off from listening to this episode at subliminal level from my apartment. My only question is: How did Mary get home?
Everyone heads upstairs, where Lucy and Ruthie are about to give Ruthie's gift to the twins. When they all get to the boys' room, Ruthie launches in on a tale about her baby blanket, which she called "Blinkie." Blinkie got carried around a lot and washed a lot, and when it really started to fall apart, the CamRents stored it in a box in the attic, claiming that that way Ruthie could keep it forever. She says, "But sooner or later you'll learn that the only thing that lasts forever is love." So in the meantime, she's cut Blinkie in half and given each of the twins a piece. She wishes the twins a happy birthday. And for the rest of us? "Happy Valentine's Day, one and all." Uh, thanks, I guess. I could describe the rest of the happy hugging and kissing, but I'm too busy crying at the injustice of it all, because smoking cigarettes is bad for you, while drivel like this doesn't even carry a health warning.
Gwen, I wish I could give you some warning about what you'll have to face in week's episode, but I just can't make myself watch any more. Sorry.