As faithful readers of the 7th Heaven recaps know, we are cursed. The latest proof is the fact that my VCR broke right after I taped the show for my last summary. (Well, yes, my son did put a toy into the tape slot. However, I'm convinced that he wouldn't have done so had the show not cursed us beforehand.) My spouse bought a new VCR and ended up installing it right when this episode was starting. So I missed the first few minutes. I will not be deterred, though. I'm going to hang some garlic over my bed tonight and finish recapping this show.
Cate told me what I missed. Thank you, Cate! I'm gonna buy you some corn husks or something to show my gratitude! Mary and Lucy sit in a church pew discussing the fact that Simon upset Mary in some way during their basketball game. Then RevCam starts his sermon by introducing his new parishioners, Bill and Sheila Carver and their kid Bobby. He embarrasses Bobby by making the family stand up. Everyone applauds and they sit down. Then RevCam awkwardly segues into some point about Genesis, and Bobby starts loudly repeating what he says, over and over again. No one knows what to make of it, so the credits start.
After the service, Sheila Carver tells Annie and Rev that her son has Attention Deficit Disorder. She peels out and RevCam immediately becomes a suspicious busybody.
Mary and Simon are snippy to one another.
Annie helps Matt do his laundry and asks how things are going with him and Chickenhead. ["How many outfits does this guy go through in a day? I mean, really, the guy is doing laundry every damn day." -- Sars] Matt says things are fine, but Annie can tell he's down.
(There. My spouse has fixed the VCR. I scream at him to get out of the way. I see that the VCR is recording and I run to the other room to watch Freaks and Geeks. My tape starts with this bit.)
Annie asks Matt if it was she or Nietzsche who said, "Liar, liar, pants on fire." Um, whatever. Matt and his mom need to quit going to SuperCuts. The phone rings. Annie answers. It's Shana. Matt furiously shakes his head and mimes that he's not there. Annie refuses to lie for her son, so Matt grabs his laundry and runs away. Annie tells Shana she just missed him. Shana furrows her face in concern. Her hair is almost Hamill-esque, the way she has the sides swept back. She's wearing approximately one pound of taupe eye shadow on each lid.
In Ruthie's room, Lucy's asking Ruthie if she's sure the teacher actually called her stupid. Ruthie's sure. Happy is sad. Lucy tries to placate them by saying that maybe Ms. Riddle won't ever call Ruthie stupid again. I believe she calls her Ms. Riddle. Ruthie says that Ms. Bitch/Riddle says it every time she answers a question wrong. Lucy wants her to tell their mom. Ruthie refuses because she doesn't want Ms. Bitch to become angry and take it out on Ruthie. She makes Lucy promise not to tell. Then she tells her, "Teach me how not to let words hurt me." Aw, man. That actually touches my cold, dead heart. I'm interested to see how this turns out. Will Annie assume the form of a gargoyle late at night and fly to the teacher's house? That's what I imagine I'd do.
Simon walks into his dad's home office. RevCam asks him about Bobby Carver, the boy who was shouting stuff in church. Simon informs his dad that he's new at school and unpopular. The jocks make fun of him, calling him "the spazz man" because of his outbursts. RevCam reminds Simon that when a good man does nothing, evil's triumph is facilitated. Simon gets the message and takes off.
Lucy walks into her bedroom and finds Mary bending over and trying to scope out her own ass in the mirror. Lucy laughs, causing Mary to accuse her of spying. Lucy asks what she was doing. Mary was assessing her own butt because Simon called her "big butt" the night before. Lucy tells her to blow it off, but Mary's freaking. She wonders if The Amazing Robbie hasn't called because of her huge hindquarters. ["Robbie probably hasn't called because he saw your rebellious ass -- and I do mean 'saw,' and all of it -- in Gear this month. Just a thought." -- Sars] Lucy mercifully changes the subject, telling Mary about Ruthie's bitchy teacher. Mary tells Lucy that she must tell Mom. Lucy counters, telling Mary she should tattle on Simon for his big-butt comment. Mary suddenly becomes rational and tells her sister that Ms. Riddle calling Ruthie stupid is way more important than what Simon said.
I can't believe the plots are progressing so quickly. Maybe it's because I just drank a large cup of cocoa. From his apartment, Matt calls Shana and hangs up before she answers. She call-returns him and he lets the machine pick up. She says all this junk about him avoiding her. He still doesn't pick up. Fine, says she. She can't guarantee that when he's ready to talk, she'll be ready to listen. Well, that's okay, because if and when y'all are simultaneously ready, I still won't give a damn.
Annie's smiling at one of the cribs. Lucy walks into the nursery and starts to tell her mom about Ruthie's problem. Because there are too many people crammed into the house, Ruthie walks up, overhears Lucy, figures it all out, and runs to her room. She slams the door, too. Instead of postponing the revelation for several scenes like I was sure they would, Annie and Lucy cut to the chase. Annie is all, "She called her -- what??" I swear, the CamRents can't hear anything bad about their kids without saying "What?" or "Excuse me?" Get your fingers out of your noses and listen, people.
A parishioner named Louis shows up at the CamDoor to ask RevCam if "that boy in church is okay." Louise assumes that Bobby Carver has Tourette's. He'd bet his life on it because HE has Tourette's and he recognized Bobby's vocal tics as symptomatic. I've got to love the busybodiness of these people. RevCam tells him that Bobby's mother says that Bobby only has ADD. Do y'all smell an intervention coming up? Aren't you glad RevCam's around to do what the doctors can't?
I like the commercial in which Barry White's singing to the laptop. I don't know what kind of laptop it is, but I like the commercial.
Ruthie meets Lucy in the hall and asks her to come to the elementary school for show-and-tell. Ruthie then proceeds to set up a lot of background about studying the Revolutionary War and Benedict Arnold, all so that she can make the point that she considers Lucy a traitor. Oh, ha, ha, so funny. I have to say that, as a sister, Lucy puts up with a lot of flack.
RevCam, Annie, and the twins are in the kitchen. Rev tells his woman that he's meeting with Bobby Carver's parents to get into their business. Annie feeds him the lines he needs to go off on a PSA about Tourette's being often misdiagnosed as ADD. Annie has set up a meeting with Ruthie's teacher for that afternoon. Mrs. Poole will watch the twins. Gee, I wonder what ever happened to good old Mrs. Poole. Oh, wait -- they just told me. She's watching the twins. RevCam can't believe a teacher would call a student stupid. Annie's sure it's a misunderstanding.
At the high school lockers, Mary is standing around watching Laurel & Co. rank on various fellow students. Laurel points to someone and says, "Okay, that ensemble doesn't work on any level." Uh, yeah, Laurel. And your shiny orange mini is so super-fabulous. She and her friends are practically wheezing with laughter at her Blackwellian wit. Some chick walks by in a blue blazer. Laurel quips, "I don't know what's bigger: her head or her . . ." Her friends giggle. I don't know about them, but on the planet where I live, most humans' pelvises are larger than their skulls. Maybe that's why I'm not on a WB show, though. Mary stares into space. Laurel asks her what's wrong. "Nuthin'," says Mary. Some chick with long, wavy, red hair and a flannel shirt is bending over to access her bottom-row locker. Laurel points to her and says, "She's probably just wearing that big, ugly farmer shirt to cover up all the weight she didn't lose last summer!" Giggle-giggle, giggle-giggle! ". . . or the summer before that, or the summer before that!" Oh, haw, haw. If Laurel's going to be a catty bitch, she should at least strive to be an amusing catty bitch. That's the moral of this scene, I believe. The Ghirlandata-haired girl glares at the junior bitches and stalks on by while Laurel calls, "Run away, farmer girl! Run away!" The bell rings and the hall crowd disperses. Mary is still dumbfounded in her printed knit top from Wal-Mart.
At the junior high, some squinty-eyed bully is screwing with Bobby C and calling him Spazz Man and everything. Simon sees this and hilariously hears the voice of Obi Wan Camden saying, "All that's necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing." Oh, man, it cracks me up. Simon walks up and stands between Squinty and Bobby. Squinty tells Simon that this ain't any of his business. Simon corrects his grammar and informs the bully that he's making it his business. The onlookers laugh. The principal shows up and tells everyone to get to class. Squinty gives Simon the look of I Will Kick Your Ass Later and gets to class. Bobby, with his modified mullet, thanks Simon for standing up for him. Simon's just sorry he didn't do it sooner.
Matt barges into RevCam's office and yaks about Shana for a while. He's not happy with the long-distance thing. Then he runs out. Who cares?
Annie shows up at Ruthie's classroom. The kids are at recess and Ms. Riddle is alone. Annie tells the version of the story that she heard: Ms. Riddle asked who the first US president was, Ruthie said Jefferson, and Mean Bitch called her stupid. "That's not what I said," says the teacher, laughing. Annie is relieved. "I told Ruthie that her answer was stupid," continues Mean Bitch. D'oh! She says there's a difference. Annie says that for an eight-year-old child, it's hard to tell the difference. Ms. Riddle gets ready to shove her foot farther into her mouth. "I think I know where this is coming from. Everyone wants to believe their [sic] child is perfect. But the truth is, the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree." Annie asks if the teacher just called her stupid. She asks it in a surprised, pitiful way, though. On the one hand, I want to tell y'all what I would have said in her place. I would have said, "Did you just call me stupid?" See, it's the same thing Annie said, but I'd raise my eyebrow and use my bitch-don't-be-trippin' voice. On the other hand, I can't say for sure that I would react that way, because if my kid's teacher had the nerve to speak to me that way, it's possible that I'd be shocked into silence. Ms. R starts to demur but Annie interrupts, telling her that nothing justifies calling a child stupid. Ms. Riddle says that they each have their own opinion. Annie says, "Yes, but yours is wrong!" Ms. R gets up and thinks she's gonna have to ask Annie to leave now. Annie gets up in her turn and says she's not going anywhere. Bitchy Teacher threatens to call the principal. Annie tells her to go ahead and make her day. Whatever. Cut the catch phrases and kick her ass, Annie! The teacher pouts and the scene ends. Gee, thanks for that resolution, guys.
Meanwhile, back at the church, Bill and Sheila Carver join RevCam in his office. Bill is all, "Look . . ." and says that they won't bring Bobby to church week if his outbursts are a problem. He's played by some guy who's been on a bunch of other shows. I bet either he has been or will be a "Hey, It's That Guy!" on Fametracker. RevCam says he brought them there to discuss Bobby's ADD. Bill's hackles rise and he wants to know who said Bobby had ADD. RevCam fingers Sheila for that one. Bill gives Sheila (hey, it's that chick!) the old reproachful look, and she makes that face than Samantha used to make when she said, "Well . . ." to that jerk Darren. RevCam jabbers about Louis thinking Bobby has Tourette's. Bill doesn't even want to hear it. He gets up to leave. He means no disrespect, but if the doctors haven't been able to help his son in the past nine years, he doesn't think RevCam's gonna be able to do jack, either. He peels out. Sheila follows, stopping long enough to give Rev the "I'll sneak to your house and beg for advice later, okay?" look that all the female parishioners eventually give him because they're too sad-sack and sorry to handle their own lives. At this point I try, for the third or fourth time, to fix my television set so that I see the "RevCaptions" Cate was telling me about last week. I still can't see them! RevCam hasn't said anything at all to me, even though I put some aluminum foil on the cable box. I'm a bit frustrated.
Simon and Bobby are getting ready to bike home from school. Bobby warns Simple that he'll be picked on also if the two of them continue to hang. Simon is fly-ass S-Dog because he doesn't care what people say. Also, his bike has lowrider handlebars. Uh-oh. Here come Squinty and Friends. "Hey Camden -- you didn't think I was gonna let you off THAT easy, DID you?" They notice the fresh principal walking by with her trench draped over her shoulders. I kind of love the principal. Don't ask me why. Squint promises to beat the crap out of Simon the morning when there aren't any teachers around. Bobby experiences facial tics. Squint includes him in the threat and then takes off.
At the lockers, Mary approaches the Ghirlandata. "Hi," says coy Mary. "I think we have Biology together." Ghirla gives Mary this x-ray-through-the-crap look and says, "What are you doing?" The make-up people have styled her hair unflatteringly and put purplish lipstick on her. If it wasn't for that, she could probably get a job at Mode. She's all cynical, asking if Mary's trying to distract her so she and her friends can pull some prank. Mary protests. "You hang around with Laurel and those velociraptors she calls friends, don't you?" asks Mode Chick. Mary admits she does sometimes, but . . . Mode Chick jumps on her case, talking about how her feelings are hurt when Laurel & Co. make their comments. Mary says she never joins in the fun-making. Redhead Chick says that Mary just stands around and watches, and that that's worse. Thanks for embodying the Rev's spirit, Redhead Chick. Mary puffs out her cheeks a little as Red walks away.
Bobby and Simon chat about Spyro (I think that's the name of the game they're advertising) on their way home. Bobby starts having vocal tics. Simon's trying to be cool about it. Finally Bobby gains control and explains that the episodes end more quickly if no one stares at him. He invites Simon to be nosy about his condition, then tells him he has "attention deficit something." He says his dad doesn't like to talk about it. Then he asks, in a frank way, why Simon's being so nice to him. "I'm not being that nice," says Simple Simon. "Trust me," says Bobby. "You're the nicest person I ever met." Dang. I like Bobby. He's like a very young John Schneider. (What? What, you pervs? Sheesh!) Anyway, I have to say that Simon seems like a decent enough friend when he's not narcing on people.
RevCam's in the kitchen feeding Happy. Annie walks in, and he asks how the meeting went. She answers with a spooky face. Then she tells him that Ruthie's teacher did call her stupid. Guess what RevCam says to that. That's right. He says, "What?" Annie tells him that Ms. Riddle called her stupid, too. They hug. She asks about his day and he says that no one called him stupid. Hello? What happened when the principal showed up? Or did Ms. Riddle just kick Annie out of the room? I guess we'll never know. I hate it when they do that. The doorbell rings and of course it's Sheila Carver on the step, unbeknownst to her husband, begging for RevCam's help. "Please help me," she says. "Help me, Rev Kenobi. You're my only hope!" She wants help helping her son and her family; she can't stand seeing Bobby suffer anymore. Annie smiles with fierce encouragement. I try again to get the alternate captions, because RevCam looks a little aroused to me. I wonder if he's thinking, "Yeah, I'm the man they all run to behind their husbands' backs!" But I can't find the special captions. I consider calling Cate and asking her what they say, but then I don't because I don't want her to know he likes her better than me. Thanks a LOT, RevCam. You don't want to show your true feelings to me. Fine. If you think, however, that I'm gonna spend my time competing with Cate for your affections, then you're WRONG. You are so totally wrong, Mister.
(Um . . . did you get my three latest emails, Eric? I'm just wondering since I didn't see anything from you the last twelve times I checked. Just wondering. No biggie.)
My hamsters are fighting. They always fight when 7th Heaven is on. I think they need exorcisms.
Sheila sits in the Camden living room and gives the CamRents Bobby's medical history. RevCam shows off the research he's done on Tourette's since meeting Bobby. Sheila says that once, at a party, she overheard some acquaintances speculating that she must have done drugs while pregnant with Bobby. Man. Way harsh. She said her parents are only worried about laying the genetic blame on the in-laws. All Bill does is swim in denial. Annie wants to know how the SuperCams can help. Sheila's made an appointment with a pediatric neurologist for Bobby the day. She wants Bill to show up, but she needs RevCam to convince him to do so. I actually feel for this woman, even though it's pathetic that she'd need her virtual-stranger-of-a-minister to boss her husband around. Lady, you need to learn to do that for yourself!
Shana's leaving a message on Matt's phone again. Matt walks in and picks it up. I'm not going to get all into it, because just looking at these two and their greasy hair makes my head itch. Matt tells Shana they need a break from each other.
Ruthie's in the nursery bothering the twins. She's promising them that she'll never spill their beans the way Lucy did hers. Annie stands at the door and eavesdrops for a sec before bluntly asking if Ruthie's done her homework. "What's the use? Haven't you heard? I'm stupid," says Bratty. Annie is wearing a gacky pink/lavender ombre plaid flannel shirt. She has Ruthie sit on her lap. She gives a corny speech about Ms. Riddle making Ruthie hate school and school being enjoyable and safe and blah blah. Ruthie is glad Annie yelled at her teacher. Annie thinks Ruthie should make up with Lucy. Ruthie says something about the other kids' moms getting involved. Apparently, Ruthie's not the only one the teacher calls stupid.
Mary runs down into the living room and asks Lucy if she knows Denise, the girl who wears all the flannel. Lucy doesn't, really. Simon walks in and asks Mary to tell him what he did to piss her off. She runs away. Simon turns to Lucy, but she won't squeal. She gives him a hint, telling him it was something he said during the basketball game. Simon still can't remember and offers to pay for the information. I'm so sure. Who would do such a thing, especially where a sibling's concerned? Lucy runs upstairs.
Matt's taking every jar out of the refrigerator. Annie walks in and tells him that Shana called her and told her they were breaking up. "No offense," says Matt, "But why is that any of your business?" Okay, first of all: it really isn't Annie's business, but Shana brought her into it by calling her. What kind of lame girlfriend complains about her man to her man's MOM? Second: if you live in your own apartment but you still go to your mother's house and eat her food, you should be a little more gracious about her concern for you. Third: shut up, Matt. So Annie thinks Matt's being a baby. She says he should break up with Shana only if he doesn't love her, not just because long-distance relationships are hard. Well, I disagree, but then again, in my world, Matt and Shana would have had sex by now. So it could be that I simply don't possess the family values required to comprehend this storyline. Matt whines that he just wanted a sandwich. Annie tells him that every sandwich from her kitchen comes with a free side order of advice. I almost laughed at that, but then I got over it.
At the church, a whole bunch of people are sitting around. Bill enters the room with Sheila and asks RevCam what's going on. Nosy Louis gets up and introduces himself to Bill. He says they're having a support-group meeting for parents of kids with Tourette's. Despite Sheila's and Louis's encouragement, Bill gets mad and peels out. RevCam follows him out as Louis rudely grabs Sheila's arm.
On the lawn, Bill tells RevCam that he just doesn't understand. RevCam tells him that he wants to understand, that Bill needs to open up and release his pain and anger. Okay. Here it comes. When Bill was growing up, he had a cousin who had Tourette's. Guess what. Bill bullied him. He teased and tortured him. Aw, man. Reverend CamDumb says, "I'm not sure I follow." Bill says he can't stand imagining other kids making fun of Bobby the way he did to his own cousin. He doesn't want to be reminded of his own horrible behavior. He's done the research and found out the syndrome is hereditary, so basically it's his fault that Bobby has it. ADD he can deal with, but this -- he just doesn't think he can bear it. Of course everything he's saying is irrational, but this Bill guy is doing a good job of making me feel bad for him. That unreasonable guilt can mess you up. I'm getting a little choked up. I want to hug Bill. I wonder if RevCam will do it for me. RevCam puts his hand on Bill's shoulder and tells him he needs to forgive himself for the past so he can help his son and his wife. "Heal yourself!" whispers RevCam. "I just don't think I can," says Bill. Aw. Bill's almost crying. He keeps grabbing his nose to keep stuff from coming out. He almost sobs and then does a little dismissive wave at Rev and then runs off into the night again. That was the best scene I ever saw on this show, and it's not even That Special Time for me, either.
The commercials for this break are too lame. I have nothing witty to say about them.
Simon walks into Mary's room and tells her he's sorry for what he did. She ascertains that he doesn't know what exactly he did. She reminds him that he called her "big butt." He says he was kidding. She says that he's not a kid anymore so she takes his comments more seriously. "I'm not a kid?" he pants, getting all happy. Then he apologizes. It's bad enough that this segment is not entertaining. It crosses the line into irritation, however, when Simon looks at Mary's butt and snickers as he leaves the room. Is he amused because her butt is not at all big? Even that explanation unnerves me.
In the kitchen, Ruthie forgives Lucy and then tells her that Annie's been calling other parents all morning long.
Winner of the award for Most Pathetic Scene in the Whole Episode: Shana calls Matt and tells him she was planning to fly, drive, or take the train back to Glenoak to apologize to Matt in person. She took him and their relationship for granted. She's been too busy to see that he's stuck in Glenoak, missing her. Okay, great. Matt accepts her apology. There's a knock at his door. Matt has to go. Shana tells him she loves him, but he's already pulling his licy head away from the phone and saying he'll talk to her later. He hangs up, leaving her pouty. He watches the door open with a big goofy smile on his face. It's some chick. She asks if that was Shana on the phone and if Matt thanked Shana for letting her hang with Matt. I don't know who this chick is. Matt tells her in English and in sign language that he'll tell Shana time. They "get going."
The school day hasn't yet begun at the junior high. Squinty and Pals meet Simon and Bobby at the bike rack, ready to fight. Simon and Squinty remove their jackets and put up their fists. Simon is all suave like James Bond as he suddenly puts his fists down. "What -- are you chickenin' out?" Squinty wants to know. No, Simon was thinking there was a better way to settle this. Squinty wins the award for Best Line in the Show when he says, "What's better than fighting?" What, indeed? Simon suggests a video-game duel between Bobby and Bully. If Bobby wins, What's-His-Name has to leave him alone and quit calling him Spazz. Of course Bobby starts kicking booty on the Game Boy because all he ever does is stay home and play video games. He's not like those satanic-influence-free Camden kids, who spend their days learning to avoid violence through saucy words. I think we can all see the lesson here, can't we? Practice, practice, practice! Practice those video games! time I get into it with a bully, you know I'm whippin' out Diablo and kickin' it Rogue-style.
Ms. Riddle is passing out some papers. Annie bursts in with a bunch of extras. "Mrs. Camden -- what's going on?" asks Ms. Riddle all innocent-like. "I found a few other people who agree with me and aren't wild about having their sons and daughters called stupid." Ms. Riddle grimaces. Then she says, "You foiled me this time, Annie Camden, but I'll be back to DESTROY your stupid daughter's love of school and time YOU WON'T STOP ME! HA, HA, HA!!!" A cloud of green smoke appears. When it dissipates, The Riddle is gone. Annie smiles. Ruthie whispers to her friend, "That's my mom!" Annie winks at her, just like Clark Kent.
Mary's chasing Warm Flannelette down the hall, yelling, "Denise!" in her jockish voice. Mary apologizes for her lack of interference in Laurel's cruelty. Then she invites Denise to "the Millers' party" which is supposed to be "a huge blowout." Denise is a bit incredulous. Mary explains that she was supposed to go with her boyfriend, but he hasn't called, so she's asking Denise instead. Denise points out that she wasn't invited. Mary just invited her. How does Denise know this isn't a trick? Because Mary isn't Laurel. No, she isn't, agrees Denise. They bask in each other's smiles. Here come Laurel and the Pussycats. Denise is downcast, walking away. Mary manhandles her, telling Laurel that Denise doesn't have to leave. "Are you sure about that?" brilliantly retorts Laurel. Mary's sure. "Fine. If you want to hang out with farmers, go ahead," meows Laurel, whose boots match those of her friends. "You know, Denise isn't a farmer, and you are --" says Mary hotly. Laurel gives her the sweet smile of bitchiness. Mary chills and finishes, "And you know what you are." She grips Denise again and they walk down the hall a bit. Then Mary turns around and tells the Pussycats, "Oh, and what makes you think that she doesn't badmouth you when you're not around?" At first I thought she meant Denise, but then Blonde Cat turns to Laurel and asks, "What's Mary talking about?" Then Brunette Cat goes, "Do you say stuff behind our backs?" Laurel makes an "Oh, Ri-i-icky!" face and they walk off in a huff.
At the doctor's office, Bill joins Sheila and Bobby in the waiting room. Sheila can't believe he showed up. Later he'll tell her why he hasn't been there for her in the past. She wants today to be a fresh start. Aw. Good for them. Sadly, Sheila has to ask Bill how he got to the hospital without the car. Bill says a friend gave him a lift. They all turn and see nosy RevCam stalking at the doorway. They smile and hug each other, and it's just like when Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble get help from The Great Gazoo.