Great, my very first 7th Heaven ever, and it has to start with Ruthie. She's checking the mail. At first I think that all of Mr. Stupidhead's exhortations for Ruthie to shut up have somehow robbed her of her natural speaking voice, because she's meowing. Oh, wait, my mistake. The meowing is coming from a cat, a very brave cat who's not afraid to be picked up by Ruthie. She cuddles the poor kitty, who doesn't know what he's in for, and thanks someone -- God, I presume.
Lucy walks into the kitchen, and Annie asks her how she's enjoying being "Glenoak's newest licensed driver." Lucy finds it exhilarating to drive with the wind in her hair, though Simon points out that "you can't feel the wind when you're only going five miles an hour." Lucy claims she was driving so slowly because Mary was sticking her feet out the window. Mary says, "Hey, I gotta give my dogs some air!" I pray that they'll leave that topic alone, but to no avail. Annie tells Mary to keep her "dogs" inside from now on, and Simon says the "dogs" are more like "horses." Viewers everywhere unite to get a court injunction prohibiting the writers from EVER using the word "dogs" again unless expressly referring to canines.
Annie must be the only person who cares where Ruthie is, because she asks. When Lucy says Ruthie's checking the mail, Annie says, "Oh, no, I already got it," like it's some major issue that she had already picked up the mail. She hands Lucy an envelope from the DMV, and it's cute that Lucy's naive enough to be excited about the prospect of seeing her new driver's license photo. She'll learn. The photo is bad, but not nearly as bad as mine, which has been known to make surly club bouncers break out giggling. Mary and Simon start laughing, and even Annie has to leave the room. Lucy retaliates by telling Mary, "You have big feet!" Hmm, maybe this show has potential after all.
Annie finds Ruthie and apologizes for getting the mail, since this is apparently Ruthie's job. Whatever. Ruthie says she doesn't mind about the mail, which leads Annie to comment, somewhat suspiciously, that Ruthie's in a good mood. In order to throw her mom off the trail, Ruthie launches into some of her patented Adorable Demon Urchin shtick, claiming that she loves school and that she's hurrying upstairs to do her homework because she "loves homework almost as much as [she] loves school." Spare me. Is it even remotely a surprise to anyone that Ruthie is carrying the cat in her knapsack to hide it from the family? No, I didn't think so. ["Even the fact that the cat looks just like my own beloved feline couldn't redeem this subplot." -- Sars]
Back in the kitchen, Eric "RevCam" Camden jogs in and shoves a bouquet of flowers right into his wife's face, telling her to stop and smell them, which she does. It turns out RevCam's medical check-up went well, so he and Annie share a kiss to celebrate. RevCam says he has learned to manage his stress and use it to face life's challenges. Annie praises him for getting back on track health-wise, especially considering all the family has been through lately. Is that just pointless exposition, or is it crappy foreshadowing? And besides if I were Annie and all my major life problems were neatly wrapped up over the course of an hour each week, I don't know how much energy I'd put into kvetching. The doorbell rings. RevCam answers it, but not before taking some deep breaths and intoning his Challenge Mantra a couple of times: "I am calm. I am strong. I am capable of handling any challenge." And goshdarnit, people like me! Well, I guess that was some crappy foreshadowing before, because there on the doorstep is Eric's sister, Julie, who says she's leaving her husband. RevCam repeats his Challenge Mantra one more time for good measure. When he gets to the part about "being capable of handling any challenge," Julie asks him if he's capable of carrying her suitcase, which she drops on his feet. Go Julie! Annie makes fluttery little "Take The Stress Down A Notch" hand gestures while RevCam clutches his chest.
Dang, are we only up to the opening credits?
After an all-too-brief commercial respite, we're in the Camden living room. Julie sits impassively in an armchair while Annie and Eric make goofy faces at each other right in front of her. I think they're each trying to get the other to initiate a conversation. If I were Julie, I'd be a little annoyed that my brother and sister-in-law were making goofy faces at each other instead of asking me about my problems. Heck, I'm not Julie and I'm still annoyed. After three or four decades of really bad miming, RevCam finally gets around to asking Julie what happened. Julie says there's no way she's going to have a baby with Hank and that her marriage is over. Then she tries to blame her marriage on RevCam. Those wacky pregnant women, heh heh! Julie claims she's so contrary that if RevCam hadn't disliked Hank, she never would have married him! Annie shifts into super-hyperdrive mode and anxiously orders RevCam to go make some tea. He wanders off, muttering his stupid Challenge Mantra again. Annie gets up and takes the seat RevCam has just vacated because, you know, she's also taking over what she perceives as his job. Gotta love that tacky symbolism. All Annie can come up with is to ask Julie, "So the only reason that you married Hank is because Eric didn't like him?" (Note to self: be sure to seek out Annie's "help" the time you have a major problem. Not.) Julie replies, "No, I dated him because Eric didn't like him. But you see what dating led to -- this!" She's gesturing toward her womb. Apparently, Annie doesn't need to have RevCam in the room with her in order to make some goofy faces. The face she's making right now approximates what someone might look like if he or she had just sat on a tack. The director must have nodded off from boredom and forgotten to yell, "Cut," because Annie's face-making goes on for much longer than is strictly necessary.
RevCam is pacing in the kitchen, kettle in hand, when Simon comes in. They have a pointless discussion about dinner in order to establish that RevCam is going to go down to the hospital and talk to Julie's husband, Hank. Simon very reasonably points out that RevCam should ask Julie first. RevCam rudely wanders off without even responding. Then the writers whack us over the head with their Giant Overkill Hammer by having Simon say, "I'm only thirteen, and even I know he should ask Aunt Julie first." Hell, even Happy knows, as she barks to concur. I really wish they'd give her more screen time, but with better lines.
Ew, it's Ruthie in the upstairs hallway. Simon sees her and says, "Hey." Ruthie runs off to her room and slams the door. The playful music lets us know we are watching Wacky Hijinx.
Lucy and Mary are discussing the fact that Aunt Julie's problems may be keeping the "adults" busy enough that dinner will never get made and the kids will get to go out to eat. Awright. Thanks for being such a screw-up, Aunt Julie! Mary lets a crestfallen Lucy know that Lucy won't be driving since it would be "faster to put a saddle on Happy and ride her to dinner." That's a lovely image. The phone rings, and it's Andrew Nayloss inviting Lucy on a date to the movies, except he wants her to drive since he doesn't have his license yet. Lucy and Mary argue over which car Lucy will get to take, which is actually a fun, realistic scene -- except for the part about Annie's van being "cool" because it's electric. Yeah, I'm so sure.
Back in the living room, Julie is complaining that after she cleans the kitchen and washes the dishes, Hank will come in and re-clean the kitchen: "He cleans a clean kitchen!" Annie plays devil's advocate (tee hee) by pointing out that Hank is a doctor: "They're very...clean!" Annie is starting to work my nerves big time, so I'm really happy to see Lucy and Mary rush in and interrupt. Lucy gets in the first word and asks to borrow Annie's car for her date. Annie agrees, as long as Lucy promises to get her date home by his curfew. Mary makes a last-ditch effort to get the "cool" car, but Annie won't let her go out just driving around because Mary doesn't have "a plan." Julie brings the conversation back to herself by saying, "Yeah, you don't want to end up like me." Because an unexpected pregnancy is exactly like joy-riding. Mary suggests that being married to a doctor is not such a bad thing. Julie and I roll our eyes. Mary offers to take the other kids out to dinner. Despite the fact that Mary now has a plan, Annie still won't let her take the "cool" van. The girls leave, and Julie asks what happened to Eric and the tea he was supposed to be making. Annie doesn't know where he went. Julie says, "That's just like a man. Can't depend on them to do anything." Well, at least some of the time the bigotry on this show is an equal-opportunity sort of bigotry. Annie asks her if she wants some tea, and Julie looks completely annoyed when she says, "No!" See, it's those wacky pregnancy hormones again, making Julie act all difficult. Annie sinks down into the couch and gets this look on her face like she's trying to impersonate a big melting candle.
Mary tells Simon she's taking him and the Demon Urchin out for dinner. She also tells him that Lucy's taking a boy out on a date, and Simon says that's very progressive. Yeah, for 1965, maybe. Lucy points out that Andrew asked her out. Mary's still smarting from losing the "cool" electric van argument, so she snottily asks, "But you have to drive?" Lucy basks in her victory by reinforcing the fact that she will be driving him "in Mom's new car." Simon must still be in his Little Man of the House phase as he tries to smooth things over by saying, "But still, it's very emancipated of you to take a guy out." Mary concedes defeat by saying, "It is, isn't it?" I guess for this show it would be. But I would like to point out that the show ain't over yet.
Lucy leaves, and Simon tells Mary that Eric took the minivan to go to the hospital to talk to Hank. Mary says, "Big mistake." Simon says, "No one ever listens to the kids." Aw, isn't it cute that the kids are smarter than their parents? Well, it isn't, but some writer probably thought it was. Mary leaves to break the news to Annie and Julie. Simon looks at Happy, who's lying down sadly in front of the closed door to Ruthie's room. I'll bet Happy's wishing she was on a good show.
Mary apprises Annie and Julie of RevCam's latest busybody antics, and all three of them look disgusted. I can relate.
Down at the hospital cafeteria, Eric is holding a tray while Matt points out the various offerings, all of which he refers to as "slop." He says he's heard that "the orange slop is a little spicy." RevCam opts for Jell-O. He mocks Matt's hair net. He also explains that he's waiting to talk to Hank, since he feels Hank isn't treating Julie very well. Matt's wise words belie his dorky manner when he says, "And you just felt compelled to run to the hospital and tell him?" RevCam's justification for sticking his nose where it really doesn't belong is that he cares about Julie. Matt says, "So Hank's wrong and you're right? And this has nothing to do with Hank one-upping you when he saved your life?" RevCam looks annoyed and pettily demands his Jell-O. At the rate the kids are dispensing wisdom, I can't wait for Ruthie's take on the whole Julie/Hank situation. Well, actually, I can.
Back at the Camden Compound Julie is still ranting about Hank, claiming that he's probably out having dinner with his patient who's a supermodel: "No, being a model wasn't good enough for her. She had to go and be a supermodel." I'm trying to imagine a universe where a supermodel would date Ed Begley, and I'm drawing a blank. But Julie's just loopy that way; after all, her out-of-control hormones are just raging! She tells Mary to take her car, then throws her the car keys and leaves the room sobbing. Annie asks if she was that bad. I assume she means during her pregnancies. Mary avoids the question and leaves. Yup, let's hammer that message home, writers! There might be one viewer out there who isn't entirely convinced that every single pregnant woman is utterly insane.
Mary and Simon try to get the Demon Urchin to come with them to dinner, but Ruthie says she'd rather stay home and look after the twins. This line is followed by one of her giant tilty-headed, closed-mouth smiles, the sight of which makes me want rip my eyeballs right out of my skull. I would settle for beating her acting coach with a very large stick, though. Mary and Simon obviously don't much care whether Ruthie comes with them, and they leave. Ruthie runs over to her bed and picks up the cat, who yowls in protest. Good God, then she starts talking to the cat. Shouldn't someone be calling the Glenoak ASPCA about now? Ruthie says, "It's just you and me now," and I swear the poor kitty looks terrified. Happy whines outside the bedroom door, inexplicably wanting to get in. I comfort myself by thinking it's possible Happy just wants to get into the bedroom so she can bite Ruthie. I imagine myself opening the door to let her in.
The commercial break arrives not a moment too soon, and I get to sing along to the Swiffer Sweeper song. I'm inspired to take a quick break to Swiff my apartment, but when I get back to my VCR, the Camdens and their stupid problems are still there.
Lucy pulls up to Andrew's house in the "cool" electric van, and we're subjected to a mildly amusing scene where Mr. Nayloss gives Lucy the third degree, asking her how long she's had her license and whether she's ever been arrested. Oh, I get it, Lucy's driving, so we've got some role-reversal humour thing going on. Okay. After threatening to call the police if Lucy doesn't get Andrew home by his ten o'clock curfew, Mr. Nayloss lets the kids leave for their date. Like a good Rules gal, Lucy is waiting for Andrew to come around and open her car door, but -- okay, here's where the zaniness truly kicks in, are you with me? -- Andrew's waiting for her to open the passenger-side door for him! Personally, I think the driver should open the passenger's door regardless of anyone's gender, but I guess in the 7th Heaven universe we're learning a Valuable Lesson about what happens when a female tries to usurp the traditional male role of driving on a date. I'm just glad I got that Costco membership last week, because they sell industrial-sized bottles of Pepto-Bismol. Believe me, I'll be stocking up before my kick at the 7th Heaven bucket.
Back at the hospital cafeteria, RevCam's snarfling his Jell-O when Hank walks in. Poor Ed Begley, he seems so cranky. Maybe he's remembering that he used to be in movies like This Is Spinal Tap. He makes a snarky speech to RevCam about being in the middle of a difficult delivery and being called down to the cafeteria to watch RevCam eat Jell-O. It's pretty funny. He turns to leave but comes back when Eric tells him that Julie is leaving him. He asks if it is because of the supermodel. Shyeah, right! I'm so sure the "supermodel" is not just Hank's fantasy or anything. Dorky Matt overhears and starts badgering Hank about the alleged supermodel patient. He wants to know if the supermodel is scheduled for a cesarean, you know, in case Matt is working that day, heh heh. Hank whacks Matt on the head. No, really, he does! RevCam wants to know what Hank's going to do about Julie, and Hank points out that Julie knew about his occupation before she married him, and that as an ob/gyn, he's "only gonna have female patients." He says he has to get back to the delivery room and stalks out of the cafeteria. From there on in, he must be travelling at a snail's pace, though, because RevCam catches up to him, no problem, even after taking time out to whack dopey Matt on the head himself.
Eric berates Hank some more, and Hank puts in his own share of pregnant-woman bashing: "Do you have any idea what it's like living with someone who's completely irrational and insane twenty-four hours a day?" Maybe not, but I'll bet RevCam has some idea of what it's like to live with a really neurotic woman who spends entirely too much time making goofy faces. I have to commend RevCam, though, for telling Hank he has to stick by his wife right now. At least I think that's what he's saying. Some of the dialogue on this show is so poorly written that it's hard to tell. Hank stomps off and Matt asks RevCam if he's going home now. RevCam says, "I'm not going anywhere. I just found Hank's Achilles heel." Matt asks, "It's not the supermodel, is it?" Hyuk, hyuk, barf.
Back in the Camden living room, Julie thinks she's figured out the problem: she and Hank aren't ready to be parents because they "haven't even worked out the husband and wife part yet." Annie tries to reassure her, but Julie's still riddled with self-doubt, blah blah. When Julie complains of back pain, Annie sees a golden opportunity to make her escape, ostensibly to get a hot water bottle.
And how's Lucy's date progressing? Well, she and Andrew are both standing in front of the ticket booth at the cinema, but nobody's offering to buy any tickets. They both just keep looking expectantly at each other, each of them waiting for the other to spring for the tickets. The ticket seller pipes up with a snarky, "The suspense is killing me." Lucy cracks and buys the tickets. As he's walking through the door to the theatre, Andrew says he'll get the popcorn, right as he lets the door slam shut in Lucy's face. I suspect the writers are still trying to treat us to a brainwashing on the traditional gender-role concept, but to me it just looks like Rude Andrew needs to be beat over the head with one of Miss Manners's many fine books, preferably a hardcover edition.
Mary and Simon are at some restaurant, and Mary wants to know why Simon doesn't have a date with Deena. Turns out Deena's dad caught them making out and now says they can only have one date a week. Simon explains that he and Deena had discussed "make-out strategies" beforehand and concluded that if they were caught, Deena's dad would probably be more liberal than RevCam. That whole strategizing idea is kind of creepy, if you ask me, and Mary agrees, because she asks, "Who are you?" Simon replies, "Camden, Simon Camden," which is a really, really dumb joke but, against all logic, sounds kind of sweet when Simon says it. Mary smiles at him and then stares off into the distance. There's a shot of two teenage girls across the restaurant, and the way this scene is edited, it looks like Mary is staring longingly at the blonde girl. Somehow I doubt this was the intention.
Okay, I hope you have your Maalox handy, because the scene degenerates rapidly. The attractive blonde girl comes over and sucks up to Mary, telling her she's seen her play basketball. She introduces herself as Diane Hardt and points to Simon, saying, "Please tell me this isn't your date." At first I'm not sure what Diane is getting at, or maybe my brain just refuses to assimilate the information it's receiving, but this cute teenage girl is -- suspend your disbelief, please -- interested in Simon! Ewwww!!!! Simon invites her to join them, and Diane plants herself in a chair about two inches from him. Mary asks Diane how old she is, and she replies, "Fifteen, but a young fifteen." I keep waiting for Diane to break into the rest of her stand-up routine, because surely this is all a joke. ["Especially the 'fifteen' part, since that actress probably turned fifteen sometime in the late eighties." -- Sars]
Oh, criminy, we're back to Hank and RevCam in the cafeteria. Does anyone actually care about this scene? Okay, on the off chance someone does, I'll try to muddle through it quickly. Hank points to RevCam belligerently and says, "So what you're saying is..." RevCam finishes off the thought: "That no matter how many pregnant women you've been around, you still don't know how to cope with your own pregnant wife?" Hank sputters a bit and then admits that RevCam is right. He complains a little more about Julie, natch. Then RevCam says, "Get cleaned up and I'll take you out to dinner," which is especially weird because Hank's lab coat, or whatever you'd call it, is spotless, despite the difficult delivery he's just been through. Matt wrangles an invitation to join them. Yeah, with all his life experience, he'll be a great help.
No, don't put the cap back on the Maalox bottle yet. It's Ruthie time. She's waltzing the poor, hapless kitty around the room and talking about how soft and fun cats are. Except this time she's tormenting the twins with her stupid babbling. Shouldn't someone be calling the Glenoak Children's Aid Society about now to put a stop to that? Annie is in the hallway outside Ruthie's room and sees Happy scratching at the door. She knocks on the door and Ruthie shoves the kitty into her knapsack before answering the door. Happy takes the opportunity to slip into the room but, regrettably, does not bite Ruthie. There is an extremely unfunny exchange between Annie and Ruthie which I won't even bother getting into, and then Annie says she'll be back soon to get the twins ready for bed. Mr. Cate wants to know why neither of the parents have displayed any interest in the care of their infant children so far. It's a good question, but I don't have much interest in the twins either, so I can live without the answer. Ruthie offers to give the twins their bottles, and Annie thanks her but says, "I still think you're up to something." She says she'll be back. Ruthie closes the door, which causes Annie to turn around and make her 722nd goofy face of this episode. I believe this one is meant to register surprise. She holds that position while Ruthie opens the door briefly to put Happy outside. Annie would probably still be standing there with her "surprised" face on, except Julie calls for help.
It looks like Julie's in labour, though she's trying to deny it. Finally she realizes that, duh, she's going to have a baby. Annie comforts her, and the viewers are treated to another brief commercial respite.
Outside the hospital, RevCam, Hank, and Dopey Matt are engaging in witty banter about which restaurant to go to. Except the part that's supposed to be witty could be more accurately described as "puerile." Dopey is very rudely trying to force them to make a decision but, amazingly, no one whacks him on the head again. They all settle on a health-food restaurant, and Hank wonders if he should phone Julie. RevCam basically tells him he can't do that because there's another twenty minutes of show left to fill. Also, Julie's a wacky pregnant woman who has to be calmed down by Annie.
There's a shot of a generic hospital corridor where Hank and RevCam are being paged. It's mainly a set-up for a dumb joke that comes later, so feel free to ignore it.
Back at the Camden Compound, Annie is yelling at someone on the phone to keep paging Hank and RevCam. You know, because maybe they didn't hear the first twenty pages but will magically respond to the twenty-first. There's more hilarity hijinx (tm gwen) as Annie informs Julie that Eric has forgotten his pager and that there is no car at the house with which to drive Julie to the hospital. Julie says she's not worried about the labour, but she is worried about what people will think when they find out she doesn't know where Hank is. Annie unhelpfully offers up her opinion that "a little embarrassment might be okay, you know, considering the circumstances, hmm?" Like far too much of the dialogue in the show, this makes no sense to me. Does Annie mean that Julie should be embarrassed for getting pregnant out of wedlock? Would I understand the dialogue better if I matched the 7th Heaven target demographic more? Why wasn't this show cancelled eons ago? Do I have enough change to do a load of laundry? Oops, sorry, my attention was wandering to more interesting topics again, and I almost missed Julie saying that she's feeling better and that it was all a false alarm. She's trying to get Annie to go to the movies with her when she's hit with another contraction that makes her double over in pain and start invoking Hank's mythical supermodel again. Annie tells her that when Mary and Simon come back with the car, Annie will take her to the hospital.
Back at the restaurant, Simon is saying, "And I don't like to brag, but it was really my quick thinking that saved the day." "Wow," says Diane. Mary adds a sarcastic, "Yeah, wow!" which might have been funnier if I wasn't so grossed out by the fact that she's chewing food while she says it. Diane leaves but promises to return (can't wait!). Mary expresses her annoyance that she feels like she's "chaperoning a date." Simon argues that Diane is not interested in him, and Mary asks him, "Are you blind as well as boring?" Okay, that was a pretty funny line. Diane returns to engage Simon in a game of pool. At the pool table, she does a very convincing impression of a stupid girl, asking, "Simon, am I holding this stick-thingy right?" No one could accuse this show of subtlety. Simon, studly dude that he is, sidles up to her and helps her out. He's leaning over her and helping her hold the pool cue when in walk Deena and her father. Simon is flustered enough to introduce Diane as his girlfriend. This stuff is comic gold! Simon corrects his mistake, and Diane says she didn't know he had a girlfriend. She pets Simon's chin and says she'll leave her number with Mary, in case he wants to call. Okay, now that's not odd or creepy or anything. I suppose it fits in with the rest of Diane's characterization as a sexually predatory female who's brassy enough to show interest in a boy instead of waiting for him to act first. I daresay she'll get her comeuppance one day!
We get to see the hospital corridor again and listen to some more paging of Hank and RevCam. That joke had better be good!
Then it's on to the health-food restaurant, where Hank says he's forgotten both his beeper and his wallet. RevCam says he'll pay for dinner. In return for dinner, though, Hank and Dopey have to listen to RevCam's trite advice, ending in, "...with pregnancy, you're truly in the grip of something greater than yourself, and the best you can do is just love your wife and buy a lot of ice cream." Dopey nods sagely, even though this has nothing to do with him. Hank asks RevCam, "You're loving this, aren't you?" RevCam says, "Just a little." Well, that makes one of us. Dopey gets all carried away with the male bonding and starts talking about looking forward to having a baby with Shana. Hank expresses surprise that Dopey and Shana are that serious about each other. Dopey backpedals and says he's not having a baby with Shana, he just wants to. Then he leaves, for which I am profoundly grateful. Hank and RevCam look questioningly at each for a bit, RevCam shakes his head and says "no" a couple of times, and I'm not entirely sure what this scene is supposed to mean. But then, I've stopped caring anyway.
They're still setting up their big joke with the paging at the hospital, but it's finally time for the pay-off. Ready? Someone offers the nurse twenty bucks if she'll stop with the paging. Ba-dum-boom, chih!
Julie's resting on the living room couch when Ruthie comes in and pokes her, hard. Jeez Louise, have some sympathy, you little troll! Ruthie heard yelling before and wants to know if Julie's gonna have her baby. Julie says, "Maybe." Ruthie thinks that's "excellent," and she drags the poor kitty out of her knapsack to show Julie. She explains that she doesn't want anyone to know she's got the cat, so she says, "When you scream, if you yell 'meowch' instead of 'ouch' whenever my kitten meows, then everyone will think it's you. Let's practice." The actress who plays Julie does an excellent job of pretending this dialogue is charming rather than thoroughly, utterly, completely puke-inducing, and I think there should be a special new Emmy category invented for actors who are able to make it through a scene like this without hurling all over Ruthie. As for me, I find it necessary to lie quietly in a dark room for about fifty hours with a cold compress on my forehead before I am able to continue with the recap.
I almost suffer a relapse during this scene with Simon and Deena. They're still in the restaurant, and Simon's trying to convince Deena that he wasn't doing anything wrong by draping himself all over Diane at the pool table. Deena, who's decked out in an orange T-shirt with a fugly heart cutout on the chest, says, "If being caught making out wasn't bad enough, now because of that girl, my father thinks you're some sort of middle-school Romeo." I don't even bother trying to suspend my disbelief because I am way too busy laughing.
Mary is chatting it up with Deena's dad at another table. He's asking her if she has a boyfriend, and when he finds out she doesn't, he praises her for being smart enough to know she's too young to date. Mary says, "I'm only single right now because my last serious boyfriend moved away with his son to go to college out of state." Whatever that's about, I don't even want to know. We're saved from hearing her blab on any more about it when some restaurant guy pages Hank and RevCam for a telephone call, which Mary takes instead. It's Annie, who tells her to hurry home since Julie's in labour. Mary suggests that the hospital might be a good place for Julie to be right about now. Annie asks how she's supposed to get Julie there without a car. I don't know, Annie, while you were busy calling every restaurant in town, did you consider phoning for a little something I like to call a "taxicab?" They're a great invention, you know. If Glenoak has restaurants (and its very own supermodel), I'd find it very hard to believe they didn't have a single cab company. But I guess that's just the kind of writing that makes 7th Heaven the top-rated show it is.
Lucy and Andrew pull up to Andrew's house in the "cool" electric van. Andrew just sits there looking dorky until Lucy rolls her eyes and gets out of the car to open his door for him. Then he asks her to walk him to the door. She says, "Why not? This date couldn't get any worse," which I think she's supposed to be saying to herself, except she says it loud enough that there's no way Andrew could not have heard, considering he's only about four feet away when she says it. On the front porch he says he had a great time. I have to give Lucy credit for just saying, "I know," and not lying about what kind of time she had. She turns to leave, but he grabs her and starts kissing her. It looks like they're both enjoying it enough that they don't notice Andrew's parents come outside. What's with all the creepy, overprotective parents on this show? Is it supposed to be Pleasantville or something? It's a strange world when the Camden 'rents seem like the sanest adults in town. Right there on the porch, with both his parents watching, Clueless Andrew asks Lucy out on another date. Lucy declines and runs to her car. Smart girl, that Lucy.
Mary and Simon get home, and Annie starts to leave for the hospital -- without Julie! Har-de-har-har. Julie wanders into the kitchen and says it's too late anyway. She groans in pain. Maybe it's a delayed reaction to that whole "meowch" exchange with Ruthie before.
Oh, good, more commercials.
We're back at the health food restaurant with RevCam and Hank. Dopey rushes in to tell them that Julie's having her baby back at the Camden Compound. RevCam wants to know why Dopey didn't just call them at the restaurant instead of coming over in person. Matt had forgotten the name of the restaurant he just ate at. See, he really does have the IQ of dust.
Ew, it's Ruthie again! She's pouring milk into a bowl. Lucy comes into the kitchen and says, "Mary left the car half in the street. What's going on?" Mary and Simon wander in and everyone informs Lucy that Aunt Julie's having her baby upstairs. They all stop to stare at Ruthie, who says, "What? I like my milk in a bowl." Honestly, this is no weirder than anything else that comes out of her mouth.
Annie is feeding Julie something from a bowl. Julie wants Hank to be there so she can hit him for knocking her up. Yup, I think it's safe to say they've shoehorned all the major childbirth clichés into this week's episode. Annie comforts Julie some more, and Hank and RevCam arrive. Julie orders Hank to leave. He sits down on the bed with her instead. Annie tactfully says she and RevCam will wait in the hallway, but RevCam won't budge. Either he's being protective of his sister or he just wants to interfere some more. Finally, Annie gets him to leave. Julie says she's been acting so crazy because she's scared. She's scared of a lot of things, but mostly of "how bad [she] must look right now." Ugh -- can I wait outside with Annie and RevCam, please?
On second thought, can I wait downstairs instead? Annie and RevCam are saying "I love you" to each other, and I'd rather not have to watch. The doorbell rings. It's a neighbour and her son, Billy. Billy's looking for his kitten. Annie calls Ruthie downstairs and ask her if she knows anything about the kitten, who chooses this moment to meow from Ruthie's knapsack. Ruthie tries to blame it on Aunt Julie. Bet you didn't think they could milk that pathetic joke any more! Annie makes Ruthie give the cat back, the neighbour slips Ruthie a twenty, and that's enough about that.
Julie gives birth.
The kids are in the kitchen, and Lucy is complaining about her date. Dopey says, "Welcome to our world," just to reinforce the idea that because Lucy drove on her date, she is now a man. Deena calls Simon and forgives him, so now Simon wants a ride to Deena's place. Mary comments that they haven't heard any screaming for a while. Just then RevCam and Annie start shouting for joy upstairs. Ruthie comes down to inform the rest of the kids that Aunt Julie had her baby, but Ruthie doesn't know what gender it is. Ruthie offers to buy ice cream for everyone, so they all just up and leave, without telling their parents or waiting to see if the baby is okay. On the way out, Mary asks Simon what she should do with Diane's phone number, and Simon tells her to burn it. That oughtta teach that pushy Diane that girls shouldn't make the first move!
Annie and RevCam come into the kitchen to tell the kids the big news on the gender of Julie's baby, except they keep looking around the empty kitchen for what seems like an eternity. Come on, the kitchen ain't that big. RevCam says he's "excited enough for everybody," and there's a pointless exchange about how he and Annie are now uncle and aunt for the first time. Kissy kissy.
Hank and Julie are basking in postpartum bliss with their baby. It's a girl, in case you care. They try to come up with names. Hank suggests "Julie." Julie doesn't like the sound of "Julie Jr.," which doesn't even make any sense, seeing as how women don't even use the "Jr." suffix. They settle on an amalgamation of the names "Eric" and "Annie." Meet Erica. Kissy kissy.
The paramedics arrive. They apologize for taking so long but they had the wrong address. Wacky! Annie asks Eric how he's doing and he dredges up the dumb ol' Challenge Mantra again. They decide to buy a new bed. Kissy kissy!
In upcoming November Sweeps episodes, Mary may be facing jail time and Simon gets caught making lewd hand gestures. I can't wait to see which of these topics gets treated more seriously.