Liars, cheaters, walkie-talkies, and stoner fathers. Someone just shoot me now.
We start with SuperMom and RevCam dressing the twins for a long day of eating, barfing, and crying. Ruthie comes in and wants to know "what kind of fun stuff" SuperMom has planned for Ruthie's day off from school tomorrow. SuperMom replies, "Well, let's see. Tomorrow, you can help me clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, repair the kitchen sink, darn socks, reorganize the linen closet, and go shopping." Ruthie: "Toy shopping?" SuperMom: "Food shopping." Ruthie: "Man, this is gonna be worse than school." Mr. Stupidhead: "Man, this episode is gonna be worse than setting fire to my face and putting it out with an icepick." Ruthie takes her leave, finally, and Mary walks in with an icepack on her lip, which she evidently used to catch a basketball at practice. Annie and the Rev ask how Mary's acceptance speech for her "Local Businessman's Senior All-Sports Award" is coming, and she reports, "Not well, but since Cory and I are sharing the award, maybe she could give the speech." Mary leaves as Lucy enters in a huff. "You have to help me. I don't want to work ["I just want to bang on the drum all day"] in the attendance office tomorrow." Lucy didn't realize that when she volunteered, she was going to be giving up her study hall. Life is rough. After sharing an exasperated glance, Annie and the Rev gather up the babies and leave. Lucy: "You're not gonna help me?" No response. Poor Lucy. She's gonna have to DEAL. Wah.
In the hallway, the parental units bump into Simon and his friend, Lee. Simon wants to know if Lee can stay for dinner. SuperMom: "Sure, just be sure to call your mother to let her know where you are." Lee: "My mom died a long time ago." SuperMom: "I'm sorry. I didn't know." Lee goes on to say that his father works nights as a private investigator with the FBI (which Simon is annoyingly excited about). SuperMom: "Then, who feeds you?" Lee: "Grandma." SuperMom: "Well, call her, then." It is understood, and Simon and Lee go off to look at porn on the Internet or something. Annie says, "I think being a minister is a lot cooler than working for the FBI." RevCam: "That's why I think you're the bomb, baby." Yes, he really said that. You know, I may make fun of them, but I think Annie and Eric kind of rule. I mean, I hope when I'm their age, I still get down like they do. I think that's great. ["Point taken. But if our own father used the phrase 'the bomb,' we'd have to have him committed. I'm just saying." -- Sars]
Cut to Matt and Chickenhead in the library, studying for their American History midterm. Matt is reviewing the honor code, and Chickenhead says, "It's actually quite simple. Don't cheat, and if you see someone else cheat, turn them in." After this, James Potter comes up to the table and says, "Matt, I'm so glad I ran into you. I heard you tutor people for money." Matt: "The midterm is tomorrow." James: "I'm gonna fail." Matt finally agrees to tutor him, and James takes off. Chickenhead throws Matt a concerned look, and Matt says: "What?" Chickenhead: "He cheats." Oh, brother. I need to wash that revelation down with some opening credits. Well, lucky me -- here they are!
And we're back in the kitchen, where Annie is feeding the babies. Ruthie comes in and asks: "Can I have twenty-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents? I just have to have these walkie-talkies I saw on TV! I can call all my friends and they can call me!" SuperMom: "But if you just call your friends on the phone and pretend the phone is a walkie-talkie, it'll cost less. If you use 10-10-321!" Well, all except for that last part. Ruthie exasps, "Parents," and rolls her eyes. Mr. Stupidhead sets fire to yet another Mackenzie Rosman voodoo doll, to no avail.
Nice! We're at Junior High! Fond memories! NOT! Simon sees his friend Lee, and asks him if his dad is working with the FBI again tonight. Lee responds in the affirmative, and Simon invites him over for dinner. Simon: "You're dad works a lot, huh?" Lee: "Well, less than when he worked for NASA." Simon: "NASA!?" Mr. Stupidhead: "NASA!? Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Simon, oblivious to this kids deception, tells Lee that his dad is the shiznit. Simon, you annoy me. Me no like.
We cut to Glenoak High, where Mary is telling her friend Cory (the co-recipient of the Local Businessman's Senior All-Sports Award) that she has no idea what to write for her acceptance speech. Cory is baffled as well. Mary's friend -- whose name we never find out in this episode, so I'll call her, I dunno, "PooFace" -- rolls up with another girl, who shakes Cory's hand and says, "Hey, I'm Maggie. I just transferred over from Washington High. I guess I missed you at practice yesterday. You know, you look just like someone I knew at Lincoln Junior High." Cory: "I've never been to Lincoln. I'd better get going." As Cory leaves, Maggie eyes her suspiciously. Uh-oh! Not. Don't care. .
The RevPad. Ruthie is kissing RevCam's big white booty, because she still wants those STUPID walkie-talkies. RevCam: "I think you should get the walkie-talkies you want. But I also think you're old enough to earn the money yourself." Ruthie: "I hope you're not suggesting that allowance thing the other kids do." Shut up, Ruthie, you ungrateful turd. RevCam: "Well, you can take the trash out for three dollars a week. If you really want those walkie-talkies, that's the deal. Take it or leave it." Ruthie: "I'll leave it. There are easier ways to make money than by working." Oh, God. I have a terrible feeling that we're going to be seeing a bit more of Ruthie in this episode. Mr. Stupidhead no like that.
At the school attendance office, we see Lucy organizing envelopes when Mr. Wonderful walks in and says: "I need a hall pass. I'm late." Lucy: "Well, I need an excuse." Wonderbread: "What are my choices?" Lucy: "Well, how about sickness?" Mr. Big Man On Campus: "Sickness sounds good." Lucy: "Are you sick?" Mr. Blonde and Beautiful: "Not anymore." Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Not. This kid is way too smooth to be in high school. But he sure is dreamy!
In Mary's homeroom, PooFace bolts into the classroom and asks Mary if she has "heard the rumor? It's all over school." Oh, no. Please don't. "Cory Conway had a baby when she was fourteen!" Mary: "Cory? Had a baby?" PooFace: "Maggie, the new girl, said there was a Cory Conway who went to her Junior High, and that Cory got pregnant, and dropped out of school to have the baby." Mary: "You've known Maggie for one day and you believe her? Don't get so caught up in rumor fever, okay?" PooFace, as Cory enters behind her: "I think it's totally believable that Cory had a baby." Mr. Stupidhead: "D'oh!" (tm Homer J. Simpson). Cory books outta there, and Mary follows her. PooFace just sits and looks like the bloodthirsty gossip-hound she knows she is.
At the college library, Matt and CheaterBoy2000 are finishing up their study jam session. CB2K: "If I don't know this now, I never will. Thanks for your help." Matt: "I don't know why you're thanking me, I didn't really do anything." As he gives the fuzzy eyeball to a couple of sorority bims across the way, CB2K explains, "I know I have a little trouble focusing on schoolwork." At this, he whips out a large wad of twenties and hands it to Matt, who says: "I think you overpaid me." CB2K: "Maybe you could earn the extra money." Matt: "How?" CheaterBoy: "The only way I'm gonna pass is if someone else takes the test for me." Matt: "Are you asking me to cheat?" CheaterBoy2000: "I prefer 'assist.'" Matt looks troubled, but I'm sure he'll do the right thing.
Back at the house, RevCam is talking to Sergeant Michaels. RevCam: "Do you know a Jeff Patterson? He's a private investigator. His son, Lee, told us he works with the Glenoak Police Department. The Sarge: "The police have detectives for detective work. We don't hire outside help. But I do know a Jeff Patterson. He doesn't work with the police, but he has been arrested by them." Hmm. Seems that Lee was lying about his old man. I wonder why. Maybe a commercial for Three To Tango will help me figure it out. Not. It won't.
We come back in Simon's room, where Ruthie is now bugging him. Ruthie: "There must be something I can do to get you to lend me the money." Simon: "Okay. If you can find someone to mow the lawn for me on Saturday, I'll consider lending you the money." Ruthie: "I'll be back." I think I'm going to cry.
In the kitchen, SuperMom is folding laundry (something new and different). RevCam strolls in points at the pile of clothes, and asks, "Matt's?" SuperMom: "How come kids always want to leave the house but their laundry wants to stay?" Lucy walks in, and SuperMom asks how the attendance office was, to which Lucy replies, "Fabulous, fun, fantastic!" Hmm. Looks like Mr. Wonderful's wily charms suited Lucy's fancy. How nice. Young love. Not. Ruthie comes in, and RevCam pitches his "allowance thing" again. Ruthie: "No way. I have a plan, and it's a lot easier than taking the trash out for the rest of my life." Oh, yeah. Trash can be rough. Not, you spoiled little demon-spawn! SuperMom: "She has a plan. Should we be concerned?" RevCam: "Not concerned. Afraid. Very afraid." Word. I'm very afraid.
Time for the big midterm. CheaterBoy sits down to Matt, who says, "Move away from me!" CB2K: "Relax, Camden, I've made other plans." CheaterBoy2000 shares a look with the kid in front of him, and the test begins. Matt and Chickenhead look each other's way, and Professor Valentine says, "Face down, Mr. Camden!" Whatever. !
Cut to Mary, outside Cory's house. Mary approaches the little girl who is playing outside, and the girl says, "My name is Bernadette. What's yours?" Mary: "Mary." Cory comes out and tells Bernadette to go inside. After she does, Cory tells Mary that "Maggie wasn't lying. The rumors are true. And now that you've seen it, you can go." She turns to go inside, but Mary stops her. Mary asks how she hid her child for so many years, and Cory explains how hard it was. She couldn't have people over, she couldn't date. Cory: "But, you know what's harder than motherhood? Your friends talking and whispering behind your back. I'm graduating magna cum laude, I play on a championship basketball team, and I've been accepted to three Ivy League colleges. But now, all anyone cares about is that when I was fourteen, I had a baby." They cry and hug and sniffle as Mr. Stupidhead makes a mad dash for the bathroom so he can hurl.
Back at the house, Lucy answers the front door and finds Mr. Wonderful on the threshold. Mr. Wonderful wants to know if Lucy has a date for the "Fall Fling" dance, and Lucy replies in the negative. Mr. Wonderful: "Well, now you do." Lucy: "I thought you were dating Courtney Weber." Mr. Wonderful: "We broke up." Lucy: "Well, I guess you got yourself a date." Mr. Wonderful says "great," and gives Lucy a little peck on the cheek. She closes the door and squeaks like a mouse. I don't know about this guy.
Back to campus, where the midterm has just ended. Matt is about to talk to Chickenhead when Professor Valentine tells him, "We need to talk." Matt: "Is there a problem?" The Prof: "Several students approached me to report that after I left the classroom, they thought that something was going on between you, James Potter, and another student." Matt: "You know me, I don't cheat." Professor Valentine: "I'm afraid that's not going to be good enough." Oh, come on. It's Matt. Matt Camden. Whatever. I think Professor Valentine has an attitude problem.
Back at the house, Lee has just arrived and is headed upstairs when he drops his bag on the ground, spilling its contents. RevCam goes over to help, and Lee says nervously, "That's okay, I think I've got it." But RevCam has already retrieved the little bag filled with green stuff that fell from Lee's bag. RevCam: "Is this marijuana?" I think you know the answer to that one, big boy. Everyone looks shifty-eyed as we go to commercial.
Back at Casa Camden, we see Lee and Simon exchanging awkward glances up in Simon's room. Lee says, "What I am about to tell you, you can't tell anyone else. The pot belongs to my father." Simon: "I really do want to believe you." After this, we watch Lee and Simon sit in silence, both twitching uncomfortably.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Annie packs the bong while Eric -- oh, wait, they're just sitting solemnly. Matt enters, and asks what's wrong. RevCam: "We'll tell you later." SuperMom then asks Matt about how his midterm went, and he tells them the whole story about CheaterBoy2K and how CB2K won't even get in trouble because his father is a big contributor to the school. "Could be worse," Matt continues. "According to the honor code I signed, Professor Valentine could have flunked me on the spot."
Up in the Dynamic Duo's room, Lucy is trying on clothes to wear to the "Fall Fling" dance. She apparently has nothing to wear. Ruthie overhears Lucy saying just that, and tells her that if she mows the lawn for Simon, she will get Mary to lend her her new sweater. Lucy: "What are you up to?" Mr. Stupidhead: " Do you really care?" Anyway, Lucy agrees, because "that sweater would look fabulous with my khaki miniskirt." Fabulous? Miniskirt? Yeah, Luce. You'll knock 'em dead with your outrageous attire. Not. Khaki miniskirt. Oh, yeah -- Ruthie, shut up.
Sergeant Michaels arrives downstairs with some information on Lee's father. Apparently, he was busted for possession a couple of years back. Now he and Lee live with Lee's grandmother, who holds two jobs to support them. Lee's mother, who forfeited custody of him when he was only five, pops up every once in a while at a methadone or rehab clinic. RevCam: "This is worse than I thought, let's go talk to the father. I'll get Lee." I gotta say, that really does suck for Lee.
Up in the master bedroom, Mary is scoping a pair of SuperMom's earrings. Ruthie comes in, and tells Mary that she can "get Mom to lend you those earrings for your awards ceremony." Mary: "What would I have to do in return?" Ruthie: "Lend Lucy your new sweater." "If I say 'yes,' will you leave me alone?" Mary asks. Word. Ruthie: "Yes." Woo hoo! "Well, then, yes. Lucy can borrow my sweater," Mary says. When will this end?
At the 7th Heaven version of the Peach Pit, Matt and Chickenhead bump into CheaterBoy, who acts belligerent when Matt approaches him. He cracks wise about RevCam, and Matt almost punches him. Fortunately, Chickenhead is there to tell Matt, "He's not worth it." Matt: "My dad taught me that if you have a problem, go to the source." Whatever. They're outta there and, thank God, so are we.
Back at the Camden house, Lucy is answering the phone. Once again, it's Mr. Wonderful. But this time he has a totally different agenda. Mr. Wonderful: "Quarter grades are out week, and you can't get into Harvard with Cs in biology. So, I need access to the school's computers to change my grades, which, because of your new job in the attendance office, you can help me out. My mom is calling me, but can we talk about the details tomorrow?" Lucy: "But I --" Dial tone. You sure can pick 'em, Luce.
Cut to Lee, RevCam, and Sergeant Michael at Lee's house, where his grandmother is doing laundry in the garage. After a brief introduction, RevCam tells Grandma (who kind of looks like a sumo wrestler) that "Lee had a baggie of marijuana in his backpack." Mr. Peterson, a surly and shaggy looking man, comes out and asks, "What's going on out here?" Grandma: "They found drugs on Lee." Mr. Pothead: "Did you tell them they were my drugs? My son's a liar. Aren't you, Lee?" Acting a little paranoid there, sir? Have you been, I dunno, smoking pot? RevCam jumps in: "Look, I'm the minister at Glenoak Community Church, and if --" Pothead cuts him off: "That's very nice, but you should mind your own business, and leave me and my son and my mother alone!" At this, he grabs his family and goes inside, leaving RevCam and the Sarge looking thoughtful and concerned. I can't believe there is still a television show that treats pot like a narcotic. Time for a word from the sponsors.
Up in the master bedroom, Ruthie tells SuperMom, "I overheard Mary telling Lucy that she wanted to wear grandma's sparkle earrings to the awards ceremony today. It would mean the world to her." Annie finds Mary in the hall, and says "just the Camden I was looking for. I thought you might like to wear grandma's earrings to the ceremony." Mary looks less than psyched. SuperMom: "What is it?" Mary: "Cory just called. They are taking away her half of the award because they found out she has a baby. That to give her an award endorses teen pregnancy. I'm not going. I don't want their stupid award." Say word. That is pretty ridiculous.
Downstairs, Lee has arrived and is looking pretty somber. RevCam: "What's wrong, Lee?" Lee: "I lied last night; the marijuana belongs to my dad." Simon, who has just come down, says, "You came to the right place." Lee: "You're still my friend? But I lied to you." Simon: "You only have to do two things to be my friend. Don't lie anymore, and stay away from drugs." Lee: "I think I can do that." Mr. Stupidhead: "I need a drink. Or maybe a bongload or two."
RevCam calls Sergeant Michaels, and explains that Lee is at his house. RevCam: "We know the pot is Mr. Peterson's. What he needs is a little shove in the right direction, and a little motivation to straighten up his life." The Sarge: "Are you the shove or the motivation?" RevCam: "The motivation." The Sarge: "I guess that makes me the shove." Yeah, you guys rock super-hard.
Ahem.
Back to Campus, where CheaterBoy2000 is just entering the classroom, where Matt is already seated. CB2K: "I got a message to meet you here." Matt got the same message, apparently. CheaterBoy, Sr., Class of '61, enters and tells his son to sit down. CBSr.: "I spoke to Matt last night, and he told a very interesting story." CB2K: "He's lying." CBSr.: "Shut up, ass-neck!" No, not really. He says, "I'm sorry." CB2K: "It's okay, I'm sure Matt was pretty convincing." Heh heh. CBSr.: "No. I'm sorry for every one of your problems that I've solved. I'm sorry for giving you too much, too soon. I'm sorry for giving you everything, but really, nothing. Before it's too late, you need to figure out how to get through life on your own two feet. Someday, you'll thank me for this." Hey, that's what Chickenhead's dad said a few weeks ago. Anyway, CheaterBoy, Sr. (well, I guess he's "Anti-CheaterBoy," now) apologizes to Matt and leaves. Phew. I'm glad that's out of the way. Oh, and CheaterBoy? Haw haw, you suck! Who's gonna get you out of this one?
Back in the halls of Degrassi, Joey Jeremiah is telling Caitlin about Zit Remedy's gig at the -- oh, oops. My bad. It's actually Lucy, at her locker, and -- cue Bert Parks and the strains of "heeeeeere he is, Miiiiiister Wonderful"! He asks Lucy, "When would be a good time to do that computer thing we talked about?" Lucy: "How 'bout -- never! When you asked me to break into the school's computers, I kinda woke up and realized you were using me." Mr. Wonderful: "But I still think you're pretty." Seriously. Lucy: "Aw. I think you're pretty, too." He bats his eyes, hopefully. "Pretty sleazy." Lucy 1, Wonderbread 0. Right on!
The family is all outside the auditorium, waiting for the awards ceremony to begin. Lucy tells Mary that she doesn't need to borrow her sweater after all, and tells Ruthie that she isn't going to mow the lawn. Simon: "No lawn-mowing, no loan." Word, Big S. Ruthie: "Which means no walkie-talkies." That's right. ["I'd settle for 'no talkies,' but whatever." -- Sars] Now shut up. The Camdens then head into the auditorium.
Cut to Mary on the stage, receiving her award. She says, "I'd really like to thank the Local Businessman's Association for this honor, but I can't." Here we go. Mary then goes on about how the recipient of the award is viewed as a role model, and she think Cory deserves the award as much as she does, if not more so, for "finishing high school, with honors, while raising a baby. Even though she's not a role model for the Local Businessman's Association, she is for me." Cory and her mother and daughter come out on stage, Mary hands her the award, and of course the Camdens are the first to give them both a standing ovation, while the rest of the audience makes oh-Jesus-we're-doing-the-standing-thing? faces.
And -- it's -- INTERVENTION TIME! Yay! NOT! Sergeant Michaels has just entered the Camden living room, where Lee and Grandma are sitting. With him is Pothead, who says, "Okay. What's goin' on?" RevCam: "This is an intervention, Jeff." Pothead: "I'm outta here." He turns to leave, but The Sarge stops him by saying, "You can listen to your family or go to jail. The choice is yours." So Pothead sits down and says, "Look, I don't know what my son told you, but I don't smoke pot." Lee: "Dad, stop lying! You smoke marijuana! I took your pot from you because I was afraid you would smoke it, and do something stupid." Like what -- watch TV and eat chips? Giggle? Fall asleep? Anyway, Grandma wants to throw in her two cents: "If you don't make me a promise, right now, that you'll take the steps to clean up you're life, then I'll get custody of Lee and you'll never see us again. And I don't want to do that. I just can't sit by and watch my grandson turn to drugs the way you did." Lee: "I already lost a mother. I don't want to lose you, too." Pothead admits he has a problem, and agrees to clean up his act. Through teary eyes and trembling lip, he says: "I don't want to lose my son." Niagara Falls all around. Lee, Grandma, and Pothead all embrace and cry. Annie takes RevCam aside, and with misty eyes asks him: "Does this mean you're back to work?" RevCam: "I guess it does." Annie: "How does it feel?" RevCam: "Good. It feels good." They kiss, and we go to black.
So, what did we learn today? Pro-active teenage mothers rock, while pot, cheating, and walkie-talkies suck.
Oh, and for the last time, shut up, Ruthie.