In a scene that I didn't tape because ABC Family decided to start the show early, Matt brews himself some coffee so he can stay up and study for a midterm. Simon asks for some, but Matt says that coffee isn't for kids. And I'll bet Simon is going to listen to this sage advice, thus avoiding a subplot that promises to be both annoying and boring.
In the living room, Annie is repeatedly playing the same two measures of a The Shining-score-esque tune over and over again on the piano. It's probably a famous song that I would know if I was more cultured, but oh well. Anyway, Annie sucks at the piano. Nearby, Lucy is talking to Jordan, her lame thirty-five-year-old boyfriend, on the phone. She loudly argues with Jordan over whether or not he should wear plaid, thus causing Annie to lose her concentration. We are then treated to an extreme close-up on her eyes as she literally shakes in anger, followed by a shot of her hands as she slams them down on the piano. It must be hard going through life both insane and having the maturity of a three-year-old, but Annie does it with a brave clownface. Lucy finally gets the hint and hangs up. Does she say goodbye before she hangs up? No, but this time you can't blame her, seeing as she, like me, is probably scared shitless of Annie. Obstacle to piano-playing perfection tackled effectively, Annie resumes her tickling of the ivories while explaining to Lucy how it's important to keep the phone line open in case there's an emergency and someone needs to reach RevCam. Personally, I can think of at least twenty thousand phone numbers I would call in an emergency before RevCam's. Lucy severely underestimates the seriousness of her situation, and sasses her mentally unstable mother but good with a crack about making her own phone line out of cans and string. Before Annie can remove Lucy's head from the rest of her body with some nearby piano wire, Lucy dashes off, pouting childishly.
Oh, crap -- here comes Ruthie. The little demon sits down on the bench to her mother, who responds with a furious glare. At first I thought that this was supposed to be Annie's normal reaction to Ruthie's presence, but it turns out that she's annoyed because Ruthie is chewing gum with her mouth open. Annie stops playing and grabs a tissue, then places it over Ruthie's nose and mouth. I was hoping that Annie was going to try to suffocate her own child, thus creating a Very Special Episode of 7th Heaven about Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, but my hopes are cruelly dashed when it turns out that Annie just wanted Ruthie to spit her gum into the tissue. Ruthie complains about this, so Annie responds that she can "tell [her] story walking," which is kind of a mean thing for a mom to say to her child, but as long as it gets Ruthie out of the scene, I'm all for it.
As Annie tries desperately to get to the third measure of her song, RevCam enters. He tries to speak, but Annie glares at him with her mouth hanging open and her fingers slamming down on the three keys her song requires. RevCam is an impatient Man of God today, though, so he just starts talking. "I don't want to interrupt," he begins, which isn't true, because if he really didn't want to interrupt her, he wouldn't have. Annie stops playing and tells RevCam that he can go ahead and talk, since she's had her four minutes of practice. Four minutes? It seemed more like forty to me. Stupid show feels like it's already been on forever, and there's almost all of it to go. RevCam has some big news: his "old high-school band" is coming to Glenoak and putting on a concert! Annie waits for the other Payless loafer to drop. It does -- RevCam says that the band will be staying with the Camdens. Annie's face is halfway transformed into her outraged clownface when RevCam quickly adds, "Yet -- they're not staying with us." Annie is in no mood for riddles, so RevCam explains that the band lives in an RV. Ridiculously, Annie doesn't know what an "RV" is, so RevCam tells her that it stands for "recreational vehicle." Annie mouths, "Oh." Eric says that he tried to call Annie to ask her if it was okay, but the line was busy, so he just told the band to come on over. Well, at least he attempted to ask Annie this time. Usually, he just brings stray teenage boys home and surprises her. At this, Annie slams her hands down on the piano and storms out of the room as fast as her big ol' pregnant self can move. You'd think a parent in a single-income household with so many kids to support would treat an expensive musical instrument better.
The Opening Credits Timewaster reveals that Peter Tork of The Monkees fame will be appearing in this episode. Well, that's quite the casting coup! First Ed Begley, Jr., then Phyllis Diller in two different roles, and now The Monkee No One Remembers! How does the 7th Heaven casting department do it? Annie could not look more dissatisfied with the horrible hand life has dealt her as she spreads mayonnaise on her children's school lunch sandwiches. There is no indication that these sandwiches have any other ingredients, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Suddenly Annie's face brightens, and she dashes towards the cabinets. Turns out that the CamRents hide cash in a coffee can up there, which would be about number four on the list of most obvious, and therefore stupid, places to hide emergency cash. I wonder why Mary didn't just borrow from the coffee can when she was having her Season Five financial difficulties instead of stealing from her baby brothers, until I remember that 7th Heaven doesn't have a continuity department, so these things can happen. Annie pulls out a couple of bills and drops them into her children's brown paper lunch bags, grinning with unmitigated joy about being off the school lunch-making hook. An alternate solution to her problem would have been telling a few of her five kids to make their lunches their own damn selves.
Mary stomps into the room wearing a sweater that would probably be cool if it wasn't three sizes too big for her, and tells Annie that she'll be staying after school for a basketball practice being held by her teammate, Diane. Even though no one asked her about Diane, Mary proceeds to tell us that Diane is really into basketball this year, and even practices by herself at night after the school practices. Diane must be a very lonely young lady. Annie tells Mary that there's more to life than basketball. This coming from a woman whose brightest moment of the day came when she figured out that lunches could be purchased at school instead of made by her.
A tired Matt drags himself into the kitchen. He was up studying all night and will be spending today in the library with his study group. I'm impressed with Matt; I never studied this much in college. Simon walks into the room like a zombie and heads directly for the coffeemaker, then pours himself a cup. Annie asks him when he started drinking coffee. He says he's really tired. And why is he tired? Ruthie can explain, even though no one asked or wanted her to. She enters the room and says that Simon was up all night talking. As Simon mouths at her to shut up, which is something I often do, although when I do it, it's usually accompanied by the throwing of various items at my TV set, Ruthie says that she has "dolls that talk less than he does, and the dolls I can lock in the trunk." Ruthie, honey, dolls don't "talk." Are they talking to you? Simon beats a hasty retreat out of the kitchen, and Matt follows him.
In the living room, Matt asks Simon if he drank his coffee last night, and Simon admits that he did. Matt lectures that coffee has caffeine in it, which can be addictive. Simon is upset that he is addicted to coffee at the tender age of twelve, at which point Drew Barrymore tells him to get over himself. Matt says he doesn't think Simon can be addicted after just a few cups of coffee, but since this episode is about addiction and how it affects every member of the Camden family, you know he's wrong. Simon says that denial is the first sign of addiction, to which Matt asks what the first sign of mental illness is. I think it's when your dolls start to talk to you. Matt tells Simon that if he doesn't drink anymore coffee, he'll be fine. Simon says he's already fiending for his fix and that there's a coffee shop on every corner. Matt rolls his eyes.
Back in the kitchen, Annie gives Mary her lunch bag and tells her to have a nice day. Mary notices that the bag is suspiciously light, looks in, and sees the money. She is so happy that I have to wonder just how terrible Annie's lunches are, since school lunches are traditionally nothing to get excited about. During the last two years of my high school experience, our lunch ladies tried to go on strike, but they couldn't because they weren't unionized, so they went on a quasi-strike instead by making the same lunch every day, and that lunch was stale breadsticks with tomato dipping sauce. On the one hand, that was awesome, but on the other hand, I was one of the people who bought lunch, so it sucked. Eventually, I just gave up and spent my lunch money on ice cream, which was more filling and had more variety. Ruthie and Simon take their lunches, and Matt takes the car keys to drive them to school. Annie hands the last lunch bag to Lucy, but Lucy's not there. Annie rectifies this disturbance in her daily routine by picking up the kitchen phone and screaming into it that Lucy needs to come downstairs. A mere two seconds later, Lucy runs up, grabs her lunch bag, and explains that she was just talking to Jordan. Annie points out that she'll be seeing Jordan in school, but Lucy says that that's twenty minutes away, and "a lot can happen in twenty minutes!" Not on this show.
Annie brings a cup of coffee into RevCam's home office, where he is looking at old pictures of himself like the narcissistic jerk he is. There's one picture in particular of a young Stephen Collins where he looks just like Matt, complete with long greasy hair and a dopey facial expression. RevCam tells Annie he can't believe he hasn't seen his bandmates in twenty years, then wonders what his life would have been like if he had stayed with them, playing concert halls filled with fans. Annie says that he has lots of fans at the church; they just don't throw their underwear at the pulpit when he finishes a sermon. Really? I thought I saw Mrs. Bink do that once. While looking at what seems to be an old yearbook picture of the band, RevCam reveals that the name of his band was "The Flower and Vegetable Show." Annie chooses to make fun of the orange lamé tuxedos the group is wearing in the picture instead of their lamé name. RevCam's a little embarrassed about the bad wardrobe, but I don't see how his current outfit, a prune-colored shirt with a tie of the same shade, is an improvement. RevCam tells Annie that he's going to tell his ex-band to stay in an RV park instead of their driveway, and Annie is very grateful, because, as she says, in her "current" condition, she just can't deal with guests. She means her pregnant condition, not her crazy one. RevCam and Annie kiss chastely, then RevCam kisses her pregnant belly and pats it, which is more attention than those poor twins will get after they're born.
In a scene that is neither interesting nor entertaining, Simon sneaks into the teachers' lounge and steals some coffee, dumping the contents of his giant thermos, milk, all over the floor. A teacher snoozes on a nearby couch the whole time. Public education, ladies and gentlemen!
In the library, Matt tells some doofy guy that he's really tired and still has a lot more studying to do. Doofy says he has something that can help and offers Matt some pills, and if this episode turns out like that Saved By the Bell where Jessie Spano got hooked on caffeine pills, I will be so excited. So excited. And so, so scared. Anyway, Matt Nancy Reagans Doofy's offer until Doofy explains that the pills aren't drugs -- "they're herbs and stuff. One hundred percent natural and legal." Then he pulls a giant bottle of them out of nowhere and gives it to Matt. Wow, that's generous. Danger music plays as Doofy says that the pills are as natural as water, just so we can be absolutely sure that they're really not.
Back at the CamPound, Annie's life has become so empty that she's resorted to cleaning already-clean hall mirrors. RevCam, Simon, and Ruthie enter, and Simon's all hopped up on java. Annie tells her kids to put their lunchboxes back in the kitchen, even though we just saw Simon go to school with a brown paper bag. Sound effects of Ruthie chewing gum play and make me wish I were dead, or at least deaf. Annie grabs a tissue and makes Ruthie deposit her gum into it. RevCam asks Ruthie who's giving her all this gum, as if gum is a) difficult to procure, and b) illegal. Ruthie adorably refuses reveal her gum source, and leaves. Annie calls after her as RevCam shrugs helplessly, and then Lucy is unfortunate enough to enter and thus become the target of Annie's misplaced anger. "Lucy, wait!" Annie demands shrewishly as she storms over to Lucy, stands in front of her menacingly, and then tells her that she got the phone bill today and Lucy's phone usage is "completely out of control!" Strange -- I didn't think local phone calls even showed up on a phone bill, but maybe they do when the calls are to ugly boyfriends. Lucy hugs her Lisa Frank notebook to her chest as she asks Annie to define "out of control."
Annie narrows her eyes and is about to strike, but then there's a knock at the door. RevCam, who's standing right to it with nothing better to do, opens the door to reveal three terrible guest stars. The first is a guy wearing a bright blue cowboy shirt with long scraggly sideburns who kind of looks like Terry Gilliam. The second is Peter "Monkee Who Didn't Sing Or Wear Trademark Knit Hats" Tork. The third is some big bald guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a gold hoop earring that is probably supposed to be pirate-esque, but is so large that it comes off more Jennifer Lopez than it does Blackbeard. RevCam hugs each of them in turn, and Sideburns accidentally gets his hand caught in the middle of RevCam and Peter's embrace, which was funny. RevCam cruelly asks Long J.Lo Silver what happened to his hair, then introduces the three losers to Annie and Lucy, making sure once again mention their awful, awful band name. Lucy remarks that she owns the shirt that Peter is wearing. I don't know who should be more embarrassed about that -- Lucy, Peter, or Sears for selling the same shirt in the Men's and Junior Misses departments. Terry says they tried to call and let RevCam know that they were coming, but the line was busy. Annie acts like this is Lucy's fault, but Lucy was just in school all day so I don't see how she could have been responsible for tying up the phone lines. Lucy slinks off as RevCam breaks the news that he's sending his friends off to an RV camp thirty miles out of town. He does this in his usual awkward stuttering style, saying that they would be happier at a place that would better suit their "RV needs," to which Peter looks all confused and mouths "RV needs?" to himself, which was kind of funny. Bald says, "Well, we were looking forward to spending time with our long lost [pause as he forgets his one line] flower, but hey -- what's thirty miles between friends?" He says this sadly, which is sufficient to guilt Annie into letting them park in the driveway. A rip-off of the bridge of Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride" plays as the band runs up to hug Annie, although only Terry is able to get around her gigantic pregnantness. Bald just goes for RevCam instead, while Peter stands around and thinks about how if this were The Monkees, they'd all be performing a catchy pop song while standing in front of a backdrop covered in rainbows right about now.
At a playground, Mary and some girls play two-on-two basketball until Mary gets knocked over by a girl wearing a giant T-shirt with a triangle cut out of the neck to make it extra ugly. The girl gives her a hand up and apologizes, but Mary is still kind of pissed. The girl repeats that she's sorry, and Mary asks her to tone the aggressiveness down -- it's only a practice. The two sit on a bench as the girl says that her dad told her that the harder she practices, the better she'll be. Well, sure, but it's probably not a good idea to knock your teammates over, potentially hurting them. You need them to play, too. The girl reaches for a towel, and a bottle full of pills comes flying out of it. Mary picks them up, a judgmental look all over her face, but the girl quickly says that the pills aren't steroids. They're "natural energy boosters" that her dad buys for her from a health food store. And everyone on the team is doing them! The girl puts two pills into her perfectly manicured hands that a real competitive basketball player would never have for practical reasons alone, and offers them to Mary. As is so often the case, Mary is confused.
In a remarkable display of continuity, the opening shot of the CamPound shows the RV parked in the driveway. It looks kind of like the product of a one-night stand between the Partridge Family bus and the Road Rules RV, with the Road Rules RV drinking a lot during the resulting pregnancy. Inside the house, Ruthie chews gum louder than anyone has ever chewed gum before as she wanders around the house. As Simon comes out of the bathroom, she finds his stolen-coffee-filled thermos. Ruthie sneers that she's going to tell on him for drinking coffee again. Simon fronts like he doesn't care, but when Ruthie goes to tell Annie, he stops her and begs her not to. Ruthie says she won't tell if he pays her. He agrees, then closes the door and tells her that he'll pay her even more if she'll do him a little favor. Then he whispers something to her, which is fine by me -- I don't care what the favor is, so I really don't need to hear it.
Downstairs in the CamDen, Eric and his lame ex-bandmates laugh over some old photos. Suddenly and unfortunately, Bald stands up and begins to sing the chorus of Cream's "Sunshine of Your Love." "I've been waiting so long..." he begins, slightly off-key and off-rhythm. "To be where I'm going..." RevCam joins in, springing from his chair and playing the air guitar. Sigh. "In the sunshine of your lo-o-o-o-ve!" the other two members of the band join in to create a four-part disharmony. RevCam apparently has a lot of pent-up rocking out in his system, since he opens his mouth wider than I ever thought was anatomically possible as he sings. They finish their little impromptu jam session with an a cappella rendition of "Sunshine"'s kick-ass power chords while playing air versions of their respective instruments. Then they add a long and dramatic finish, Neil Young style, and sit down back down on the couch. All except RevCam, who continues to pretend to play the guitar and shake a lot, then stops and pronounces that he's still got it. He doesn't say what "it" is, so let's just assume he meant "the ability to ruin what was once an awesome Cream song." RevCam asks his friends what their biggest venue has been. Bald states that it was halftime at a 76ers game. Peter Tork adds that it was just like when The Who played Madison Square Garden, only "smaller and brighter." And stupider. Sideburns says that when they played their third encore, Bald turned to him and said that they were "livin' the dreeeeeam!" RevCam nods his "I'm better than you" nod as he pretends to look impressed.
Annie busts in holding a coffee carafe, since 7th Heaven always makes sure it gets as much mileage out of its per-show prop expenses as possible, and asks if anyone wants a refill. The band thanks Annie for the dinner she apparently made them -- so much for her not having to go out of her way for the guests -- and she rather graciously tells them that they are welcome. She asks where they live when they're not on the road, and here comes the part where we learn the lesson that following one's dream is wrong as they reveal that they don't have real homes or wives or families. Bald then cracks that no one can blame the overpopulation of the world on them, which leads to an awkward silence as everyone in the room realizes that the overpopulation of the world can be blamed on Eric and Annie. Bald quickly apologizes, and Annie walks away.
Back in the kitchen, Annie comes back in with the coffee carafe as Lucy comes down the stairs and asks Annie when Eric's "weirdo" friends are leaving. Annie tries to blame Lucy for the fact that they're even there, because Lucy was on the phone so often, but I don't really see the connection. Annie then informs Lucy that she needs to spend some time away from the phone, so guess what? She's not allowed to use it all weekend. Annie bitchily says that Lucy can consider it a trial separation, to which Lucy responds that it sounds more like cruel and unusual punishment. Well, not really, Lucy, but thanks for playing, you spoiled brat. Lucy says that maybe Annie should consider getting call waiting or a second phone line, to which Annie does that "unlikely!" laugh that Moms so often do. "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me!" says Lucy. "Call waiting, a second phone line -- that was the Devil talking!" Then she storms away. Annie walks away, too, probably to call the local exorcist to get that Devil removed from her daughter.
Ruthie enters the kitchen from a doorway I've never seen before that leads to God knows where. Something that looks like a toilet brush is hanging on the wall inside, which leads me to believe that we're looking at a previously unseen and unmentioned second bathroom in the CamPound. Or it could just be a closet where the Camdens store their spare toilet brushes. I have no idea. All I know is that thinking about its possibilities is more interesting than watching Ruthie steal some coffee for Simon.
Somewhere upstairs, Mary asks Annie if she can go play basketball with Diane. After ascertaining that she won't have to drive or pick Mary up, Annie agrees. Mary leaves, all happy that she has something to do on her weekend, even if it is playing basketball with a druggie. RevCam comes in and says it's amazing how his old friends haven't changed since high school. Because all of RevCam's compliments are backhanded, he adds that the guys still have no real responsibilities or real jobs or real lives. Oh, come on now, they must have some responsibilities. I'm sure they've worked out a weekly rotation for the RV's septic tank emptying. Sewage doesn't just remove itself, you know! And who is RevCam to judge what constitutes a "real" life or not? Annie says that the band seems nice enough to her, as if people without "real lives" aren't usually nice or something. Bitch.
For absolutely no reason, Mary is wandering around her brother's room and looking through his things. She finds the bottle of pills his doofy friend gave him, thus prompting The Guitar Of Doom to play its three notes while a high hat chimes in to add an extra-special sense of danger. Matt comes into the room. Mary hurriedly puts the bottle away and tells him that Annie said he has to drive her to Diane's. Matt asks if she has a ride home from Diane's, and Mary says yes. Matt asks why Mary doesn't have a ride to Diane's if she has one from Diane's. Mary responds that it's because "no one wants to talk to Mom and Dad." While this is no doubt true, it's some strange logic. It works on Matt, though.
Holding some towels, RevCam knocks on the door to the RV. We see a group of people just standing around the RV, but I don't know who they are or why they're there. As one of the bandmates tells RevCam to wait a minute, some old guy just strolls across the Camdens' front yard and onto the sidewalk, joining the other weird random people assembled there. Actually, if you look closely, you can see the old guy's shadow as he stands standing slightly off-camera, waiting for his cue to enter like an idiot. If some old guy was walking all over my lawn and shaking his head disapprovingly like this guy is, I would probably say something to him, but RevCam just ignores it. Jeez, I know that it's church property, and the guy is probably a parishioner whose donations help pay for the place's upkeep, but I really think he's taking a few too many liberties here. We hear some rockin' electric guitar chords, which made me think that the rude crowd on the sidewalk was there because it was late and the band was too loud and keeping them up or something, but when RevCam finally enters the RV, the only instrument that appears to be in use is a lute. An acoustic lute. So basically, I have no idea what was going on with that scene, or why any band not comprised of minstrels would possess a lute. ["Maybe their gig is at Medieval Times." -- Sars]
RevCam gives the guys some towels and sheets, which is nice of him but probably unnecessary, seeing as how the guys live in the RV and all. They should probably have their own towels by now. Nevertheless, the band acts excited as hell to get some fresh linens, until RevCam makes a face and looks around at them. They smile innocently, and RevCam asks them if they're smoking anything illegal in front of this, a church-owned house, in a "small community." Small community, my ass! Glenoak has its own college, hospital, and airport! Comments like that make those of us from legit small communities feel all the more inadequate. The three guys all deny smoking the hash pipe, giggling as they do so, so obviously they must be stoned. RevCam says that his "best friend is a police officer," who tends to visit the house "unannounced" quite frequently. Not frequently enough, I would suspect, for his portrayer to be able to pay his SAG dues. Also, "best friend"? "Unannounced" visits? RevCam is up to his receding hairline in denial here; Sgt. Michaels only comes when Eric summons him, and I would call their relationship more "briber and bribee" than "friends." Eventually, RevCam shuts up and leaves. The bandmates giggle. Either they're stoned or they're actually tween girls wearing old man costumes.
Annie knocks on Simon's door, then rudely enters before anyone invites her in. She seems disturbed by what she sees, but you know, if you're going to walk in on people, you can only blame yourself for what you stumble upon. And what she stumbles on is Simon and Ruthie, together. No, not like that! They're having an innocent tea party. Spotting a perfect tattling opportunity, Ruthie jumps up and tells Annie that she didn't drink any coffee, she just stole it for Simon. Annie starts to yell at him, but then Lucy walks by talking on the forbidden phone, sees Annie, and stops short, her mouth forming a tiny "o" of surprise, which no one does in real life but which I still enjoy seeing when TV and movie people do it. Annie grabs the phone, says goodbye to Jordan, and hangs up. Lucy uses circular logic to explain that she had to call Jordan to tell him that she couldn't call him. Annie scowls, then decides to do some disciplining. She makes Ruthie spit out her gum, takes Simon's thermos, yells at everyone, and leaves. Hey, Annie, maybe Ruthie would stop chewing gum if you actually told her why she isn't allowed to. Maybe you could tell me why Ruthie isn't allowed to chew gum too, since I have no idea.
Over at the all-light, all-night basketball court, Diane and Mary shoot hoops for three seconds, then take a break. Mary says that Diane was right about the pills and she feels like she could play all night. Oh my god, are you kidding me? Mary took the energy pills? Kick ass! Seriously, Brenda, if you make Mary get addicted to those pills like Jessie Spano, I will forgive you for almost all the horrible television atrocities you've committed. Unfortunately, I cannot, and will not, forgive you for the 7th Heaven episode "Tunes" or your decision to cast the Stults brothers. Diane tells Mary that "two pills are better than one, and four pills are better than two," and I'll have to blame the particularly virulent strain of bad-logic-itis Diane must have caught from Mary on that little pearl of wisdom. Mary replies that after only one pill she feels full of energy and her hands are shaking. "You'll get used to that!" Diane shouts encouragingly. Mary says she hopes it wears off before bed, because she's so pumped up that she doesn't know how she'll be able to close her eyes. Diane suggests more practicing to work off the extra energy, and The Guitars Of Disappointment In Mary's Behavior play us to the commercial. Those guitars got a lot more work in the two seasons.
Annie spies on her children from the kitchen window. Simon and Ruthie are playing hacky-sack with RevCam's lame band, and they all totally suck at it. Never one to pass up a chance to spy and cast aspersions on others, RevCam wanders in and snidely remarks that his band can't be used to so much fresh air and natural light. Meanwhile, Ruthie kicks a hacky-sack directly into Simon's face, almost hitting him with her foot as well. Evil demon-child! Annie asks RevCam why his children are playing with his band instead of him. He hems and haws and finally says, "They were burning incense in the RV last night. You know what that means, don't you?" That you have trust issues, perhaps? Annie does not know what it means, but you have to remember that she also didn't know what an "RV" was, so obviously she's an idiot. Also, writers -- way to totally forget how Annie admitted to smoking pot in the first season. RevCam leaves to bring a mug of (what else?) coffee up to Matt.
Because no character can leave a scene on this show without another one taking his or her place, Ruthie comes in from the yard and says that RevCam's friends play "a mean game of hacky." Not as mean as your game, Ruthie, what with the trying to kick Simon in the face and all. Also, don't think I didn't notice how you called "hacky-sack" "hacky" in order to look cool. I just chose to overlook it. Suddenly, Ruthie asks the question every parent dreads: "Who is Keith Moon?" Well, you would think it was that kind of question based on the way Annie's face falls as she carefully chooses the words with which to answer her youngest daughter. Ruthie says that she thinks Keith Moon is going to come over later and play. All these references to The Who remind me that I could be watching the much better show they play the theme song of. Sigh. Annie explains to Ruthie that Keith Moon can't come over because he died of a drug overdose. She does not mention that the drugs he overdosed on were anti-alcohol pills, which he was taking because he was trying to get clean. Ruthie says that, from the way RevCam's "flower friends were talking about him," she thought they were expecting him. ["Maybe they meant Jimmy Moon?" -- Sars] Shut up, RevCam's flower friends. And shut up, Ruthie.
Ruthie leaves so Lucy can enter. Annie has a few things she wants to talk to her about, like the pager she found, probably when she was doing her hourly search of her children's' rooms. "Where did this come from?" Annie demands angrily, holding it up. Oh, Lucy. Beepers are so 1992. Lucy tries to deny that the beeper is hers, then admits that the beeper is Jordan's and that he lent it to her. Annie says that her "no-phone" rule was meant to include to "all forms of wireless communication, including beepers." At this point, I started thinking about how cool it would be if the beeper had gone off, and prompting Julie from the original Real World: New York to pop in and ask Lucy if she sold drugs, offending Lucy for the rest of the episode. That doesn't happen, though. Instead, Lucy asks how her mom learned to be so cruel. I would kind of like to know that as well. Annie responds, "It's in the Mommy Manual between 'crafts' and 'cuddling.'" And three pages from "banishing your children to the extremely unfinished garage apartment." Annie rapidly switches to her happy personality and goes to hug Lucy, who ducks to avoid the embrace and runs out of the room. Ruthie comes back in and asks if Jimi Hendrix is dead. Annie says he is. Ruthie wonders if Rev's band knows anyone who's still alive. Well, they know you, Ruthie, and you're still alive, so let us all hope that your theory is correct and you die soon.
RevCam comes into Matt's room with the coffee. He sees that his son is sleeping, so he puts the coffee on his bedside table and tries to tiptoe away. Alas, being RevCam, he cannot resist the urge to snoop through Matt's things, whereupon he finds the bottle of pills Matt's friend gave him. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS STUFF?!" RevCam shouts. Matt wakes up, looking about as confused as you'd expect someone who just got woken up by mild-mannered yelling to look, and RevCam repeats himself. As Matt begins to explain, Mary walks up to the doorway and eavesdrops. God, I hate this stupid, nosy family. Matt doesn't understand what Eric's so upset about, since the pills are made from "herbs and stuff." That must have been on the list of ingredients or something, because he's like the third person to describe them as such. RevCam says that not everything that's natural is good for you, and bad things like cocaine, heroin, and morphine all come from plants. Yeah, RevCam, I'll bet you were singing a different tune about that morphine when you were recovering from your open-heart surgery. In fact, I do believe you spent that entire episode impersonating Elvis. Sure, you weren't under the influence of painkillers at all then, you damn hypocrite.
Matt points out that the bottle is still sealed, proving that he hasn't even taken any of those pills, so RevCam can stop lecturing him. RevCam does not stop. Instead, he PSAs that the pills contain ephedrine, "which is just a chemical process away from being methamphetamine." Whoa, seriously? Cool. I mean, not cool. Bad, very bad. Don't do drugs, kids! Matt doesn't understand why the pills are being sold in a health food store if they're so bad for you. "Because ephedrine is classified as a food, not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be," RevCam spits angrily, adding that thirteen states have made ephedrine products illegal, and I'm always impressed at RevCam's ability to recall factoids like that. He should be on infomercials selling memory-enhancement systems, not preaching for pennies. When RevCam says that ephedrine has been known to kill people, Mary can stand outside snooping no longer, and enters the room to dramatically tell Eric that she took pills just like those that she got from Diane, who got them from her father. Instead of sitting Mary down and talking to her in a reasonable tone about her experimentation with legal drugs, why it was a bad idea, and how he hopes it won't happen again, RevCam says that he's going to talk to Diane's father, because nothing Mary does is her fault. RevCam tells his son to throw the pills out and tosses them to him, like, throw them out yourself, you lazy bastard. You're standing right to the trash.
Mary yells at Diane over the phone for giving her potentially deadly pills. Diane says that she's been taking them for six months and she's fine. Ugly, but fine. I'm sorry, that was mean of me. Mary says she doesn't feel fine, and begins to rattle off a list of health problems she got last night from the pills. Might I remind you that she was excited about these things and how they could help her game less than twenty-four hours ago. Matt enters Mary's bedroom, so she hangs up on Diane to talk to him. What's funny is that we then see Diane hanging up the phone, then shrugging, getting up, and walking away, all unconcerned that Mary is mad at her. Matt asks Mary if she's okay, then says that Diane must be "some friend" to give Mary those pills. Mary fires back that the reason she took them in the first place was that she saw them in her big brother's room, so she figured they must be safe. Yeah, great research, Mary. "I don't think you're perfect, but I did think that you'd never do anything really stupid. So when I saw those pills in your room it was like an endorsement." Matt actually looks ashamed of himself when she says this, instead of reminding her that she's sixteen and thus perfectly capable of making her own stupid decisions. Then he apologizes, and Mary actually has the nerve to not forgive him even though he really did nothing wrong.
Meanwhile, Simon is trying to form an addiction support group with Lucy and Ruthie. He propose that they should be "support buddies," and help each other fight the urge to give into their respective addictions and provide encouragement. Lucy asks if this means that when she needs to call her support buddy, she'll be able to use the phone. Now, let's think about this one: the support group consists entirely of people residing entirely within one house, a house that, as you've so often pointed out in this episode, has only one phone line. So, no, you won't be using the phone to contact your support buddy. Simon says as much, and Lucy, unwilling to join a club that doesn't offer phone benefits, leaves. Ruthie brattily says that there's no reason for her to join Simon's group because she has no intention of giving up gum-chewing. Then she leaves. Simon walks up to Happy and asks the dog to be his buddy, which was neither cute nor funny, although it was probably supposed to be. RevCam's stupid friends walk up and volunteer to join Simon's club, and Simon tells them what kind of club it is. In his bright pink mock turtleneck, Peter Tork agrees with Bald that the band is "very familiar" with that type of club. Perhaps, Peter Tork, you should consider joining a club for men wearing ugly women's clothing. Its founding member is Phil Keoghan, so at least you'll be in good company.
As Annie chops vegetables in the kitchen like a good little housewife, Eric's ex-band walks in and asks where Eric is. Annie says he had urgent business, but will be back in time for their show tonight. The band says that they know RevCam's "not into" hanging out with them. Annie asserts that this is not the case, but it's obvious that she's lying, so Peter Tork changes the subject. Stupidly, he changes it to her piano playing. Sideburns asks if she wants to "jam" with them at their show. Annie is totally excited to have the chance to jam with such a huge act like The Flower and Vegetable Show on a stage that's probably the back room of Pete's Pizza, but is hesitant, because she's only had seven lessons. The band exchanges looks. Annie realizes that they thought she was much more experienced, and says that she can wait until the time they come to town. Peter Tork says that they will "figure something out." Annie is so happy that she gives them all giant sandwiches.
Meanwhile, RevCam is on his "urgent business," which is tattling on Diane to her short, stocky father. Diane's dad lets RevCam into his house, which is his first mistake, and says he knows why RevCam is there. He makes another crucial error by telling Eric that he's overreacting about the pills; he takes them himself, although seeing as how he's obviously not the athletic or the studying type, I can't imagine why. Diane's dad is about to start talking about how he bought them from a health store and they're made of "herbs and stuff," but RevCam launches into what is essentially the same PSA we heard him deliver in Matt's room. There is a funny part when Diane's dad opens his mouth to say something, but Eric won't let him talk, and Diane's dad looks annoyed. Apparently RevCam did some reading up between the time he talked to Matt and now, because he has even more ephedrine statistics to yammer on about in his William Shatner way of speaking about Difficult Subjects: "According to the FDA, in the past five years, [pause] three dozen deaths [beat] have been attributedtoephedrine-related supplements. [pause] A lot of those people [pause, sigh] were young, healthy kids whoneverthoughtthat [pause] they were taking something that could kill them or [pause] leave them with permanent disabilities. It's just [sigh, reflective glance downwards] too bad that [pause] people had to die before anyonenoticedhowbad this stuff is." Diane's dad makes a second brave effort to get a word in edgewise, only to once again be struck down by the mighty force of self-righteousness that is Eric Camden as the Reverend lists ephedrine's side effects: "Heart attack, stroke, angina, heart arrhythmias." And yes, despite the fact that I'm too old to, I find it funny when RevCam says "angina." Because, you know, it sounds like "vagina."
Unbelievably, RevCam still isn't finished talking about ephedrine. He whips out a pamphlet that I guess he got from the local anti-ephedrine stand on the way to Diane's house and reads more boring information off the back of it, like how mixing ephedrine with soda or coffee increases the risk "of suffering ill effects. That is, if you call 'dying' an ill effect." And who wouldn't? Diane's dad finally gets a chance to speak, and points out that aspirin and ibuprofen can also cause health problems, but then ruins whatever good points he made there by adding that chocolate has a side effect of making some people break out in hives, which is an allergic reaction, not a side effect, you moron. Diane's dad says that he will be sure to check out ephedrine, although he won't promise that he or Diane will stop taking it. He thanks RevCam for coming over and ushers him out the door, where they run into Diane, who apologizes to Eric for giving Mary the pills. Eric thanks her for the apology, and leaves. Diane's dad shuts the door right after him and says that he was afraid that if he didn't say something to appease RevCam, the guy would never have left them alone. As he says this, we see RevCam standing outside the house through a large living room window, blatantly looking in on them. Diane's dad asks her if she's feeling okay, and she says she's feeling great. Then she sees RevCam looking at her through the window and screams in terror as her dad calls the police. Well, no, but it would be been incredible if that happened. As it was, that scene was so boring that I had to take some ephedrine myself to stay awake.
Back from the commercial break, Annie pretends to rock out in front of her mirror while seeing what some different, yet equally heinous, outfits look like on her. Ruthie wanders in and asks her if Jim Morrison died from a drug overdose. He did. What about Jerry Garcia? Annie responds that he did as well. God, Annie, do a little fact-checking before you speak, please. Jerry Garcia died of a heart attack, which, although it was probably the result of years of drug abuse, was not directly caused by a drug overdose. I hope his estate sues 7th Heaven for this. When she finishes telling Ruthie that Janis Joplin also died from a drug overdose, Annie asks her why she's asking. Ruthie says that Simon told her that Morrison, Garcia, and Joplin died from their addictions, and they all started with one cup of coffee. A cup of coffee with heroin in it, maybe. Point apparently made, Ruthie leaves as RevCam enters, followed by Mary, who's asking about Diane. RevCam says that her father said he would look into the dangers of ephedrine, "but I got the feeling her father would have said anything just to get me to leave." Yeah, RevCam, I'll bet you get that feeling a lot. Mary says that she wants to talk to Diane, and RevCam thinks this is a good idea. Because everything is about her, Annie is worried that Mary will miss her jam session, but Mary assures her that she won't, and leaves. RevCam is confused, so Annie explains that she is going to be jamming with RevCam's ex-band tonight, although she doesn't know what instrument she'll be jamming on, nor does she care, as it's always been a fantasy of hers to play with a rock and roll band, even if it is called The Flower and Vegetable Show and is terrible. RevCam, who seems to think that he should be able to hurt his friends' feelings by avoiding them but still have their friendship when he can get something from it, wonders why they didn't ask him to play with them.
Simon sits on the kitchen island. "Hello, my name is Simon and I'm a coffaholic," he says to nobody. Matt walks by and pours some coffee into a mug, hands the mug to Simon, and orders him to drink it. Simon does, then immediately spits it out. Simon says it tastes terrible and asks what Matt just gave him. Matt says it was coffee, and asks if Simon wants some more. "No, never!" says Simon, and Matt congratulates him on conquering his addiction. Somehow I doubt Matt's little addiction-curing home remedy would work in any other circumstance. Frankly, I'm still not quite sure why it even worked here. Did Matt pee in it beforehand or something, and that's why it tasted so bad? Like in that old episode of Sally Jessy Raphael, which I think took place during her short red hair period, where the topic was "OUTRAGEOUS videos" and they showed a guy whose roommate woke up extra-early every morning for the sole purpose of peeing in the guy's coffee, and the guy was suspicious, so he set up this whole motion-activated video camera thing and got the coffee-peeing roommate on tape, and this led me to believe that the root of the two roommates' problems with each other was that they were both crazy. I mean, waking up early to pee in someone's coffee, and being so paranoid that it was happening so as to purchase and then set up an elaborate camera system to prove it? And then taking it onto the talk-show circuit? Oh, but I digress...
Ruthie bounds into the kitchen, where she is greeted by Simon, who tells her that he is no longer addicted to coffee. Ruthie says this is good, because his teeth were turning yellow and his breath was smelling worse than usual, as if her teeth are beautiful pearls and her breath smells like roses. Then she asks Matt for gum, at which Simon does a little revenge tattling and says that she isn't allowed to chew gum. Matt gives Ruthie some gum from his shirt pocket, where it's probably become sweaty and linty and gross, and asks her if she knows what makes gum so chewy. Ruthie does not. Matt says this is good, since if she knew, she probably wouldn't like gum anymore. Ruthie asks him what it is, so he whispers something inaudible to her. Ruthie is grossed out and decides never to chew gum again. What did Matt say to her? We never know, but this awful storyline is over, so I'm happy. Ruthie and Simon leave, only to be replaced by RevCam, who asks Matt what's going on. Matt responds that he was just "righting a couple of wrongs," all proud of himself. RevCam says he and Annie figured out that Matt was the one who introduced Simon to coffee and was supplying Ruthie with the gum. RevCam half-lectures that Matt's siblings look up to him, even when he doesn't know they're doing it. Matt says that this can be a pain in the butt. Not as much as having to watch them and their subplots. Matt turns to leave, then turns back and asks RevCam if the kids looking up to him will ever change. RevCam says it won't. Matt says that being an adult is not so great after all. Then he apologizes to RevCam about the pills. RevCam says it's okay. That last part was kind of sweet. Corny, but sweet.
Lucy storms into the CamBoudoir, whining that she can't make it through the weekend without her phone as Annie walks out of the closet holding her very own Gold Dust Woman robe. Except, unlike Stevie Nicks's cool yet slightly ridiculous one, Annie's is faux leopard print and, of course, hideously ugly. Lucy tells her mom that she's been punished enough, and, surprisingly, her mother agrees. Annie announces that with the twins on the way, she and her husband have decided that it's time to get a second phone line. Again, I don't understand how one thing leads to the other. It's not like newborn babies are going to use the phone. Lucy doesn't question the logic, however, choosing instead to cheer and imagine what life has in store for her now that she can talk to Jordan without fear of punishment or her dad's lame friends showing up unannounced. She asks Annie what the new phone number is, to which Annie turns back into her usual abusive self and teasingly says that she and RevCam are "never going to tell [her]." Okay, but if that's the case, then why even have the second phone line? So Annie can call RevCam in his RevLair from another room in the house? Just get an intercom system.
RevCam knocks on the door to The RV of Lame, then barges in without waiting for an answer. Sideburns hurriedly puts out a cigarette he was smoking, but it's too late! RevCam spots it and is upset because he came over to apologize to them for being such a rude ass, but now he sees that he was right about them, because they're smoking...cigarettes? Peter Tork says that they've tried to quit, but it's "soooo addictive." I rapidly spring off the couch in order to avoid being bludgeoned by three falling theme anvils. Whew, that was a close one! RevCam feels like a total ass now, as he should, because he misjudged his friends. Peter tells him not to apologize, as "a lot of people think we do drugs." Wait, were we supposed to care about whether or not they were ding drugs this whole time? I forgot. Bald says that "the only thing we really get high on is making music." "YEAH!" Peter Tork shouts while punching the air like a loser. RevCam reiterates that he came to the RV to apologize, but Peter Tork says that RevCam doesn't have to apologize for not hanging out with them. "We're comfortable with rejection," Sideburns says, "on many levels." I'm sure what that means, but it sounds pretty sad. RevCam says that he had a vision of what their rock and roll lifestyle was, and Bald says that it's okay that RevCam is disappointed with them, because they've "disappointed a lot of people." In the end, both RevCam and his ex-band decide that they are happy with their respective lifestyles, and then they invite him to play with them at the concert. I guess he'd better get some practicing time in.
Or not, as we immediately cut to The Flower and Vegetable Show -- live in concert! Playing on the Glenoak Public Access channel this Tuesday at 2 AM. And the band is playing at Pete's Pizza, although they're in the front instead of in the back room. And put your hands over your ears, all classic rock fans and pretty much any music fans in general, because they're butchering "Sunshine of Your Love" again. It appears to be the only song this band will play. You'd think that after being together for such a long time, they would have more than one song in their catalogue, and if they were going to go with only one song, it would at least be an original. Anyway, the band guys rock out with RevCam, who subjects us all to his wide-open mouth again while he sings wimpily. But what's this? I hear the irritating tings of a triangle! That would be Annie, who's getting her jam time in as lead triangle player. She performs this task as she does most other things, looking like a maniac and wearing her Determined Open-Mouthed Clownface. As I pay closer attention to the lyrics, I realize that this song is one that a small-town reverend probably shouldn't be performing for his flock. Unless by "my dawn surprise," Cream meant "the blessings of our Lord Jesus." Which I doubt.
As the band rocks out, Ruthie dances like she's at Woodstock and Simon says he now knows what Mick Jagger's kids feel like. Not really, Simon. Peter Tork's kids, perhaps, but not Jagger's. As people dance around the kids, thus giving the illusion that this performance is good, Matt says he's glad that they took separate cars, and Lucy sarcastically says it's too bad she didn't bring her lighter for the encore. Dude, Lucy has a lighter? Do her parents know? Simon wonders what's up with Ruthie, and Lucy says they should blame it on the Spice Girls. Huh? What? How? The three non-dancing Camden kids then salute girl power with peace signs. This was probably Brenda Hampton's subtle way of telling us that "girl power," and by extension women's liberation, is bad. As Ruthie continues to dance, we see Matt in the background pumping his fist in the air and cheering, which is a dramatic attitude change from what we just saw, but whatever. Sideburns sings something about staying with his darling until his "seeds are dried up," and I hope he's referring to flower or vegetable seeds and not...you know. Because this is supposed to be a family show. As RevCam attempts to devour the microphone and probably half of Glenoak with his mouth, Annie holds her triangle up high and bangs on it with an insane look on her face behind him. Eat your heart out, Tracy Partridge!
Meanwhile, Diane is playing basketball by herself. How sad for her. She takes a seat to gobble down some pills and washes them down with...is that soda? Oh no! RevCam said that soda INCREASES the risk of angina! Dun dun dunnnnn. Mary walks up and asks Diane if she listened to anything RevCam said. Diane says that her dad knows what he's talking about too, and she's fine. With fake tears in her eyes, Mary says, "You know, I came to talk to you tonight because I thought I could get you to do the right thing and stop taking those pills, but now I realize that I can't make you do something that you don't want to do!" "Good," says Diane. Ha ha! In your sanctimonious face, Mary! Mary says she doesn't want to be friends with Diane, and starts to walk away. You'd think that Diane would be relieved that she no longer has to hang out with Mary, but instead she tells Mary that she'll quit taking the pills as soon as the basketball season ends, as long as Mary stops bugging her about them. Mary agrees. Diane celebrates the restored friendship by practically fellating her bottle of orange soda as she guzzles it, gulping loudly. Diane and Mary decide to go see the rest of The Flower and Vegetable Show, as soon as they play a game of twenty-one. Guys, they're already halfway through their one song over there -- I don't think you have time to dilly-dally. Their game ends abruptly as Diane finally Learns Her Lesson by getting angina and collapsing. Mary looks upset, but she shouldn't be. After all, now she doesn't have to go to that terrible concert.
Inside the CamVan, RevCam and Annie wonder why Mary didn't make it to the show. They quickly push their eldest daughter to the back of their closed minds, however, as they discuss how much fun they had. RevCam says that Annie made the triangle "whale, baby! Whale!" Come on now, RevCam! Annie may be grossly pregnant with twins, but she's not a whale! A manatee, maybe. RevCam and Annie notice some sirens up ahead, so they pull over to investigate. Another reason to hate the Camdens: they're rubberneckers. RevCam and Annie get out of the van running. What a coincidence -- Mary's there. She's understandably upset about what just happened. Jessica Biel actually does a good job delivering her lines here, which just about gave me angina myself, I was so shocked. RevCam walks over to the ambulance and starts asking the EMTs what's going on, which I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to tell him, as Diane is wheeled into the ambulance. Her father watches, upset, then looks up and sees RevCam. Diane's dad mouths something to him here, which is probably "I'm sorry" but would have been more satisfying and realistic if it was "fuck you." Then he climbs into the ambulance and RevCam walks back to Mary and Annie.
Mary asks RevCam if Diane will be okay, and he says, "Yeah, but Diane had a massive heart attack." That doesn't sound "okay" at all! Mary's question is if Diane will be able to play basketball again, and why is something that unimportant even being brought up at a time like this? RevCam says that they don't know the future holds for Diane and her mad basketball skillz. And just to rub in the fact that this was all Diane's dad's fault, we see a shot of him bending over his daughter inside the ambulance, while we see the CamRents through its windows hugging their live, non-heart-attack-having child. The show ends with the ambulance driving away. Um, except that it's driving further into the park. I watched it in slow motion, and the ambulance quite clearly drives into a dark wooded area. Maybe that's a short cut or something, but driving through rough terrain can't be a good idea when one of the passengers is suffering from a massive heart attack. Mary watches and cries some more. Whatever.