No Sex, Some Drugs, and a Little Rock and Roll

In a scene that I didn't tape because ABC Family decided to start the show early, Matt brews himself some coffee so he can stay up and study for a midterm. Simon asks for some, but Matt says that coffee isn't for kids. And I'll bet Simon is going to listen to this sage advice, thus avoiding a subplot that promises to be both annoying and boring.

In the living room, Annie is repeatedly playing the same two measures of a The Shining-score-esque tune over and over again on the piano. It's probably a famous song that I would know if I was more cultured, but oh well. Anyway, Annie sucks at the piano. Nearby, Lucy is talking to Jordan, her lame thirty-five-year-old boyfriend, on the phone. She loudly argues with Jordan over whether or not he should wear plaid, thus causing Annie to lose her concentration. We are then treated to an extreme close-up on her eyes as she literally shakes in anger, followed by a shot of her hands as she slams them down on the piano. It must be hard going through life both insane and having the maturity of a three-year-old, but Annie does it with a brave clownface. Lucy finally gets the hint and hangs up. Does she say goodbye before she hangs up? No, but this time you can't blame her, seeing as she, like me, is probably scared shitless of Annie. Obstacle to piano-playing perfection tackled effectively, Annie resumes her tickling of the ivories while explaining to Lucy how it's important to keep the phone line open in case there's an emergency and someone needs to reach RevCam. Personally, I can think of at least twenty thousand phone numbers I would call in an emergency before RevCam's. Lucy severely underestimates the seriousness of her situation, and sasses her mentally unstable mother but good with a crack about making her own phone line out of cans and string. Before Annie can remove Lucy's head from the rest of her body with some nearby piano wire, Lucy dashes off, pouting childishly.

Oh, crap -- here comes Ruthie. The little demon sits down on the bench to her mother, who responds with a furious glare. At first I thought that this was supposed to be Annie's normal reaction to Ruthie's presence, but it turns out that she's annoyed because Ruthie is chewing gum with her mouth open. Annie stops playing and grabs a tissue, then places it over Ruthie's nose and mouth. I was hoping that Annie was going to try to suffocate her own child, thus creating a Very Special Episode of 7th Heaven about Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, but my hopes are cruelly dashed when it turns out that Annie just wanted Ruthie to spit her gum into the tissue. Ruthie complains about this, so Annie responds that she can "tell [her] story walking," which is kind of a mean thing for a mom to say to her child, but as long as it gets Ruthie out of the scene, I'm all for it.

As Annie tries desperately to get to the third measure of her song, RevCam enters. He tries to speak, but Annie glares at him with her mouth hanging open and her fingers slamming down on the three keys her song requires. RevCam is an impatient Man of God today, though, so he just starts talking. "I don't want to interrupt," he begins, which isn't true, because if he really didn't want to interrupt her, he wouldn't have. Annie stops playing and tells RevCam that he can go ahead and talk, since she's had her four minutes of practice. Four minutes? It seemed more like forty to me. Stupid show feels like it's already been on forever, and there's almost all of it to go. RevCam has some big news: his "old high-school band" is coming to Glenoak and putting on a concert! Annie waits for the other Payless loafer to drop. It does -- RevCam says that the band will be staying with the Camdens. Annie's face is halfway transformed into her outraged clownface when RevCam quickly adds, "Yet -- they're not staying with us." Annie is in no mood for riddles, so RevCam explains that the band lives in an RV. Ridiculously, Annie doesn't know what an "RV" is, so RevCam tells her that it stands for "recreational vehicle." Annie mouths, "Oh." Eric says that he tried to call Annie to ask her if it was okay, but the line was busy, so he just told the band to come on over. Well, at least he attempted to ask Annie this time. Usually, he just brings stray teenage boys home and surprises her. At this, Annie slams her hands down on the piano and storms out of the room as fast as her big ol' pregnant self can move. You'd think a parent in a single-income household with so many kids to support would treat an expensive musical instrument better.

The Opening Credits Timewaster reveals that Peter Tork of The Monkees fame will be appearing in this episode. Well, that's quite the casting coup! First Ed Begley, Jr., then Phyllis Diller in two different roles, and now The Monkee No One Remembers! How does the 7th Heaven casting department do it? Annie could not look more dissatisfied with the horrible hand life has dealt her as she spreads mayonnaise on her children's school lunch sandwiches. There is no indication that these sandwiches have any other ingredients, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Suddenly Annie's face brightens, and she dashes towards the cabinets. Turns out that the CamRents hide cash in a coffee can up there, which would be about number four on the list of most obvious, and therefore stupid, places to hide emergency cash. I wonder why Mary didn't just borrow from the coffee can when she was having her Season Five financial difficulties instead of stealing from her baby brothers, until I remember that 7th Heaven doesn't have a continuity department, so these things can happen. Annie pulls out a couple of bills and drops them into her children's brown paper lunch bags, grinning with unmitigated joy about being off the school lunch-making hook. An alternate solution to her problem would have been telling a few of her five kids to make their lunches their own damn selves.