Hey everyone! Today's episode is entitled "Like A Harlot," and if you don't think that that's the most amazingly ridiculous title for an episode of television ever, then you must not be human. Also, www.tvtome.com says that the German translation for this episode is "Termination Ball," which is probably the coolest name for just about anything. I intend to adopt the term into my daily lexicon.
We open with a shot of the CamPound that, surprisingly, does not include that little red Fisher-Price car that's always in front of the house even though no one's ever used it. And then we're in the kitchen, where Annie is preparing food as per usual, and Simon is walking in with a friend who we've never seen before and will never see again after this episode, also as per usual. Annie tells Simon's friend, Kyle, that it's nice to see him again, as if to imply that he is a regular guest at the house even though we all know he isn't. Those Camden kids go through friends like I go through Termination Balls. And I go through a lot of those. Simon tells Annie, who obviously doesn't care, that he and Kyle had a rough day at school and they need to talk. To each other. Alone. Annie does not say that maybe the little brats should go to Simon's room and talk, because Annie has actual things to do in the kitchen and can't just get up and leave because two eleven-year-olds need some private time. Instead, she leaves, although I don't know how she manages to walk away, seeing as she has no backbone.
Simon and Kyle talk about a film they saw in health class that has changed their lives forever. They wish they had never seen it at all. Ah, I know what they're talking about. That scary-ass fire safety video that says that when a fire starts in your home, you have less than a minute to escape alive, and you have to crawl through your house which, by the way, is thick with black smoke. And then the video ends with graphic details about how you'll die if you don't escape within those first sixty seconds. I know my life wasn't the same after I had to watch it. Lots of sleepless nights for my twelve-year-old self. Lots of 'em. Oh, but Simon is talking about something else -- a video that shows how monkeys "court" other monkeys. I don't see what's so bad about watching a boy monkey buy a root beer float for a girl monkey down at the Soda Shoppe -- oh, I see, what Simon really means is that the video featured monkey sex, but since the writers of this show have no idea how real people speak, they made Simon say "court" instead. Kyle says that the video was like "watching restricted cable, with a grown-up watching you to see if you were thinking anything bad." Simon calls it "the Nature Channel -- with attitude." Unless those monkeys were having themselves some raw, kinky sex, which I doubt (well, unless they were bonobo chimps), then it's more like the Nature Channel on a regular weekday, with no attitude added. Simon says that he will not tell his parents about the video, because then they'll talk to him about sex and he's already heard that talk many times. I'll bet he has, too.
Annie comes back into the kitchen, so the boys run over to the fridge and crowd around it stupidly as Mary and Lucy come home. Mary attempts to break the boundaries of clothing ugliness with her big bright orange flannel shirt as she and Lucy say that, with the prom coming up tomorrow, their whole school has "pa-rom fever," and get this -- they're hoping to go to the prom with Matt. Like, as his date. Holy crap, that's like the most pathetic thing I think I've ever, ever, ever heard. That's like "still living with your parents over the age of thirty" pathetic. Lucy and Mary promote fairness in the family by saying that they will flip a coin to see who gets to go to the prom with Matt. Annie doesn't think that Matt will go along with this. Wow, when did Annie become the only person in the house with any sense of reality? Mary's holding a banana, thus adding even more sexual connotations to what was already a squicky scene, as she says that since Matt never talks to them at school, no one will know that they're even related to him, so he won't object to taking them to the prom. That doesn't even make sense.
Mary and Lucy run off together as Simon and Kyle finally exit the fridge with piles of food. As they go to Simon's room, Kyle comments that Mary and Lucy are "foxes." Well, my English grandmother says that foxes, which are always getting into her garden and eating her vegetables and pooping all over the place, are all "horrible vermin," and that she would kill every one of them if she had the chance. So I guess Kyle's right. Speaking of horrible vermin, here comes Ruthie. Diabetics in the viewing audience go into comas as skips into the kitchen while humming cheerfully. She's happy because "Snappy the Stegosaurus -- only the coolest dinosaur in the whole world -- is doing a live show tomorrow in Glenoak!" And Ruthie wants to go see it. Annie tells Ruthie that she'll try to arrange it, but Ruthie shouldn't get her hopes up. And here comes Matt. Annie asks him if he has a prom date yet. Matt says he doesn't, but he's not going anyway because the prom is a "couples" thing. Strange, I thought the only people who said that were losers who couldn't get prom dates. I'm just saying.
Clarinet music plays us into the Glenoak Community Church, where RevCam is pretending to look busy by walking around with a book in his hand. Some guy comes in and asks if RevCam has a minute to talk. It turns out he wants to discuss his daughter, "Connie" (does anyone on this show have names that weren't on 1955's "50 Most Popular Names for Boys and Girls" list?), who needs a date to the prom. RevCam doesn't understand how he can help here. Is Connie's dad trying to ask Eric to be his daughter's date to the prom? I'll bet everyone at that gala event will be talking about who's more pathetic -- the guy who brought his sister, or the girl who brought the middle-aged town pastor. It almost makes me wish I could go. Almost. Actually, after a few more minutes of confusion, RevCam finally ascertains that Connie's dad wants Matt to ask Connie to go to the prom. We also learn that Connie's mom died when she was young, and that Dad and Connie don't have a very strong relationship. Hmmm, I smell a Bad Background That Leads To Sin here. You'd think that RevCam would positively jump at the chance to butt into his son's life, but no, he's uncomfortable about asking his son to take Connie to the prom. Hmm, seems like this sense of reality Annie had is contagious. Then Eric says that he thinks that Matt already has a date, and there goes my theory. "No, no!" exclaims Connie's dad, "he doesn't have a date! The whole school's talking about it! According to Connie, Matt Camden is the only other senior without a date for the prom!" Ha ha ha! Matt sucks! RevCam agrees to ask Matt, and says that Connie's dad "certainly [is] plugged into the high school gossip mill," and is that a hint of jealousy I detect in Eric's voice? Connie's dad thanks him and leaves.
Finally, about halfway through the episode, the theme song starts up. Even though Annie's poodle hair is gone, it still lives on in the opening credits. That's unfortunate for everyone.
The Opening Credits Timewaster may be the best one ever. Annie looks at an ad for the Snappy show and then determinedly calls the phone number on it. An answering message picks up and plays annoying clown music as a lady's voice says, "Hi, your call is important to Snappy. Please don't hang up. Your call is important to Snappy. Please don't hang up." This repeats itself over and over again as we see a montage of Annie preparing dinner. She even grates fresh Parmesan cheese. Only wicked families with evil working mothers eat that Kraft Parmesan Cheese in the green can. With the entire dinner made and the answering machine still going, Annie screams into the phone that she can't take it anymore. Ah, sweet justice. After all the times that I've shouted exactly the same thing to my TV set when this show is airing, it's really gratifying to see a Camden feel just like me. Suddenly, a real person picks up. Annie demands tickets to the show. "I'm sorry," the lady says in this great smirky, syrupy-sweet, fake-nice voice, "the Snappy show is sold out." "You mean I've been on hold all this whole time for nothing?" Annie says. "Yes, you have," the lady responds awesomely. Ever persistent, Annie asks if they have standing-room-only tickets. "No, I don't," the lady says. Annie snarls out a thank you, to which the lady says, "No, thank you, and have a Snappy good day," as Annie makes horrid faces at the phone, then presses the "end" button with great hostility. Congratulations, Snappy Show Phone Lady, you have entered my Top Five Best 7th Heaven Characters Ever list at number two, right behind Betty the Evil Smoker.
Ruthie skips into the room just in time to hear the bad news that Snappy tickets are unavailable, as the show has been sold out for the last three weeks. Where did Annie get that three weeks figure from? The Snappy Show Phone Lady didn't say that, and I would know, since I watched her scene fifteen times because it was so awesome. I guess Annie's just lying to her kids again. Ruthie is so upset about missing Snappy that she won't even be placated by the prospect of having her favorite dish, lasagna, for dinner. She says she's too depressed to eat, and leaves. Annie looks sad, but I can't tell if it's because she didn't get the tickets or because her daughter is a spoiled brat.
RevCam comes home and says that he had a bad day at work because of Connie's dad. Oh, get a grip, Eric. You'd think that as a minister, a "bad day" would be more in line with having to visit a parishioner's deathbed than having to ask your son to take some girl to the prom. And you can shut up, too, Simon. I never had a "bad day" in junior high when I got to watch videos. Everyone knows that videos mean no class lectures. Anytime a teacher wheeled the TV cart into the classroom, you knew you were about to have a nice, penalty-free, fifty-minute-long nap. Matt walks in and asks what his parents are talking about, so RevCam asks if he would go to the prom with Connie. Matt doesn't think that's a good idea. RevCam asks if that's because Connie isn't pretty or popular enough. Because we are always most defensive when accused of something we're guilty of, Matt gets all huffy that RevCam thinks he is superficial and shallow, so he says he will take Connie, and when RevCam finds out the real reason why he didn't want to take her, he can't say anything about it. Matt leaves. Annie tells RevCam that he needs to talk to his other son as well; Simon saw "the film" today. She says that even though Simon didn't tell her that he saw the film, she could tell by the way he looked when he came home. "A mother knows," she says. A mother knows when her kid has seen monkeys have sex? Damn, that's specific.
The scene-change guitar sounds like a totally crappy version of The Beatles' "Blackbird" as it plays us into Simon seeing Matt in the hallway, and then running away. Yeah, it's rude of Simon to do that in Matt's face, but can you really blame him? Matt wants to know what's going on, because Simon and Kyle were acting "squirrelly" the whole ride home from school. Matt tells Simon he might as well tell him, because he'll find out soon enough anyway. How sad that this is true. Before Simon has the chance to tell Matt about the film, he guesses and says that Simon is now a man because he saw the monkey sex. The Camdens have the weirdest coming-of-age hallmarks.
Lucy and Mary are entertaining themselves by throwing popcorn into each other's mouths. Sadly, they don't choke and die. Instead, the phone rings. Mary answers, then puts her hand over the receiver and tells Lucy that "it's a guy." Lucy is, like, so excited! Then Mary tells her that "it's a friend of Matt's," and Lucy is so super-excited! Then Mary says that the guy calling her has a younger brother and they want to double-date Mary and Lucy tomorrow night and the two girls scream with joy! Mary plays it cool and says that they'll have to ask their parents, and that the guy shouldn't mention this to Matt because he wouldn't like it. Mary says she'll call him back, hangs up, and then the two nitwits scream again. Lucy asks if they know the guys, to which Mary responds, "No, but who cares? It's a DATE!" Then they scream for yet a third time, which leads into Mary doing a strange combination of the "it's your birthday" and the "shopping cart" dances as the scene fades out. Just when I thought the women on this show couldn't get any more pathetic, something like that happens. And it's girls like this who are responsible for those board games like Dream Phone that ruined my childhood. Every time I won that game, it would only be to get asked out by one of the ugly guys, like dorky Jason or smarmy Alan. Once I got Jason three times in arow. Do you know what that does to a girl's self-esteem?
The day at the CamPound, Annie is dialing and hanging up the phone over and over again as RevCam comes in. Either she's decided to drop all pretense of calling people to talk and is skipping right to the hanging up, or she's trying to call a radio show to win Snappy tickets. "I'm hoping I'll get lucky!" she says. Girl, last time you got lucky, Ruthie came into our lives, so maybe that's not such a good idea. RevCam's all, "Snappy? Oh, I know Snappy!" Annie pooh-poohs this, saying that everyone knows Snappy and that's why she can't get tickets. No, RevCam says, he dated the lady who plays Snappy when he was in high school. Annie's face contorts in jealousy briefly, then untwists as she says that RevCam should call Snappy and beg for tickets. RevCam is hesitant until Ruthie comes downstairs, wearing a solid black cap that looks like it should be in an N.W.A. video. RevCam tells her that he went to school with Snappy. She says something lame like "cool school," and then says that if RevCam doesn't get her Snappy tickets, then she'll sic Ice Cube and D.J. Yella on his honky ass. RevCam says he'll try, but Ruthie shouldn't count on it. I have to say, I really like RevCam and Ruthie's interactions. Annie is always fake and baby-talky with Ruthie, but RevCam never talks down to her; he just phrases certain things a little simpler, much like he talks to Mary. I think it's cute. But what's not cute is when a still-freaked-out Simon comes downstairs, looks at his parents, and then grabs his lunch and runs out the door.
Matt comes downstairs, and RevCam asks if he's asked Connie out yet. Matt says no. It's only been, like, twelve hours, RevCam, and most of them were overnight. RevCam needs to learn patience. And maybe he can also learn how to respect people's privacy while he's at it, since the thing RevCam asks Matt is if he'll tell Eric why he didn't want to go with Connie in the first place. Matt says that RevCam will figure it out soon enough. Not soon enough for me. And here come Lucy and Mary, bounding down the stairs in unison! They greet their parents and then leave. Matt follows. RevCam says that his kids are weird. Annie agrees. The apple and the tree, Annie and RevCam. The apple and the tree. Annie ends the scene by nagging RevCam to call Snappy.
At school, Matt runs up to a woman who looks like a red-headed version of Shana, a.k.a. Chickenhead. Okay, I know I'm giving away the Secret about Connie by saying this, but really, does anyone care? Connie is supposed to be the "school slut," and she's wearing a ribbed, striped T-shirt with longish sleeves, a sweatshirt tied around her waist, and khaki pants. Yeah, her nipples are erect, but I'm not going to hold it against a girl that it's cold outside. Yes, it's sort of stereotypical to say this, but this is not how the school slut dresses. I mean, seriously, I've seen my mother wearing a similar outfit. I know it's difficult to find modern, realistic styles when your choices are limited to the Sears and JC Penney's junior miss department, but come on, 7th Heaven costumers, try a little harder. Put some heart into it. Ask yourselves if you would want your loved ones to wear clothes like these. I think you'll be surprised at the answer. Anyway, Matt lamely asks Connie to the prom, and at first she's against it because she doesn't have a dress or shoes or anything, but finally Matt convinces her by saying that he has "a sister and a mom, and [he's] sure they can put something together." Yes, by virtue of being women, Annie, Mary, and Lucy are instantly endowed with the skills it takes to fashion a homemade prom dress in one afternoon. What a wonderful world the Camdens live in. Unless you're female.
Suddenly, Mary and Lucy, who are apparently joined at the damn hip at home and at school, see Matt and Connie and stop short, trying to act shocked. Matt tells Connie to come to his house after school and maybe his mommy can make her a prom dress. Then he says that he can wear a dress and she can wear a tux, and she laughs. How ironic it is that when Barry Watson tried to start a post-7th Heaven movie career by wearing a dress, no one laughed.
Connie leaves, walking past Mary and Lucy, and we see that Lucy has won herself the coveted Worst Outfit Of The Episode award with her stunning combination of a short grey skirt made of some synthetic material, with all-white sneakers and white athletic socks that are pulled up to mid-calf. Someone needs to take her to the Fashion Termination Ball. Lucy and Mary wonder if Matt just asked Connie to the prom, and if Mom and Dad know about this. Mary says there's no way their parents would let Matt go to the prom with Connie. Surprisingly, Lucy doesn't want to tell them, since she reasons that if Matt goes to the prom with Connie, he won't be able to ruin her and Mary's dates. Mary says that she's been looking everywhere for someone in the senior class named "Kyle" or "Casey," the names of their dates, but has had no luck. Wait a minute -- did she say Kyle? Surely that's just a coincidence.
And then we're at the junior high, where Kyle taps Simon on the shoulder and tells him that he and his brother have dates tonight. Simon wants to know with who, but Kyle says he can't tell. But Simon will find out soon enough, he says. Oh, snap! Mary and Lucy are going to date little boys! This is a plot point that I'm actually looking forward to seeing!
At the CamPound, Annie tries to fill her empty life with mundane household chores, like fixing the latch on the kitchen cabinets. RevCam comes in and says that he has two tickets to the Snappy show. But wait -- Annie thought the three of them would go, and is immediately suspicious that RevCam is trying to keep her from meeting his ex-girlfriend. It's called looking a gift horse in the mouth, Annie. Stop doing it. RevCam, placed in an awkward situation for like the fifth time this episode, stammers a little until Annie pretends that she was just kidding and is really happy that he got the tickets. She shows Eric that she washed Ruthie's pink dress, since pink is Snappy's favorite color. As RevCam leaves, Matt comes in and drops the "I need an instant prom dress" bomb. Annie does not tell him to direct his queries to the magical seamstress's forest cottage. Instead, because she is an agreeable wimp, she says she'll do the best she can. Matt leaves to get a tux and his prom date.
Upstairs, RevCam tells Ruthie that he got her the tickets. She goes to change into the dress and says she'll be back in a "monosecond." Mary and Lucy come in, and Mary -- overjoyed to finally seem, even if she'll never be, smarter than Ruthie -- corrects her by saying that she means "nanosecond." Lucy and Mary then lay compliments on RevCam so that he'll agree to let them have dates over to watch movies. RevCam thwarts their stupid plan when he tells them to ask their mother. Their faces fall. In unison, of course.
Simon enters the house, and tries to sneak around, but RevCam catches him and says that he wants to talk to Simon after the Snappy show. Simon doesn't see a need for this. RevCam creepily says that there's some "new information that [they] should go over together." RevCam, the only parent in the universe who's excited at the prospect of talking to his kids about sex. Ruthie runs downstairs and Annie comes in to see them off to the show. She reminds them to come home soon so they can see Matt and Connie off to the prom. RevCam says that he'll try, but they are invited backstage. Annie puts on her sad clown face and wonders if this is a good idea. RevCam tells her not to be jealous and they leave.
Annie waddle-walks into the living room, where she compulsive-disorderly rearranges the couch cushions as Mary and Lucy come in. They ask if she wants help, which immediately alerts Annie that they want something, since no one in this rude-ass family ever offers help or compliments unless he or she has an ulterior motive. Mary and Lucy ask if two guys from school can come over and watch a movie. They say that because they've never met the guys before, they want to have a date at the CamPound instead of going out. That way, if "anything happens," their parents will be in the room. I have visions of Annie and RevCam spying on their daughters through eyeholes in family portraits on the living room wall, hoping desperately to catch some steamy couch make-out scenes.
Matt and Connie come in. Connie holds up a small brown paper bag containing her underwear and says that this is all she has for the prom. Matt quotes from Star Wars, and does George Lucas even care about preserving his franchise's good name anymore? Annie demands that her daughter-slaves and Connie get to work, then stops on the way out of the living room to admire the green velvet curtains. And if you think that this isn't followed by her ripping the curtains off the wall and a musical montage of measuring and dress making, then you're probably watching a different show. There are two odd things about this montage: first is that the music played is ska music, which seems too modern and alternative for this show's soundtrack, and second is that when Annie measures Connie's bust, she takes a second to look into Connie's eyes and smile. Hand-held camera shots of Annie sewing and Mary and Lucy applying make-up do little to add spontaneity to the scene, although the shot of Annie sewing in fast-motion while we see the sun going down through the window shade was kind of cool. Throughout the entire thing, they keep cutting back to Matt napping in his bed, not doing anything to help. That just disgusts me.
Matt puts on his tux and waits at the bottom of the stairs for Connie to come down. Simon walks up and wants to know where all the little women in the house are, because he's hungry. Annie comes downstairs as Ruthie enters the house with a hilarious purple stain on her dress and demands to know why Annie didn't tell her that Snappy wasn't a real dinosaur. Annie does not respond with, "Because you'd have to be a pretty stupid little girl to think that a dinosaur made out of cheap fabric, with a visible zipper going down its back, whose mouth doesn't really move when it speaks, is real." Instead, she looks upset as Ruthie continues her tirade with, "What's -- Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny? How many years have you been lying to me? Am I really six?" Okay, CamRents, I think the cat is out of the bag. Time to tell her that she's adopted. Ruthie storms upstairs, stopping only to blame Snappy's portrayer for Ruthie spilling grape juice all over herself. Come on now, Ruthie. We all know that the Snappy lady took one look at your wannabe cute self and threw grape juice from the caterer's table at you to make you go away. I mean, that's what I would do. RevCam acknowledges that taking Ruthie backstage to meet Snappy was a bad idea, but he invited his ex-girlfriend to stop by the CamPound and try to talk to Ruthie later. I bet she takes one look at the place and thanks God that she didn't end up with Eric.
Violins Of Suspense play as Connie comes downstairs. Matt says she looks great, and I'll agree that she does look nice except for that black furry trim around her chest. Actually, she looks much better than Matt, who, despite not having to have his clothes made at home, unwisely chose a tuxedo with an Old West-style bow tie. You know, the kind with the really long ends? Yeah, he's wearing one of those. RevCam turns into my English grandfather when he tells Connie that she "really [does] look quite stunning." The CamRents take some pictures, and Matt and Connie leave for dinner.
RevCam wonders why Matt hesitated about going to the prom with Connie. Simon, Mary, and Lucy laugh. Simon says that, now that he's seen the film, he "knows things." Ah, so watching monkeys have sex automatically activates one's internal whore detector? Mary tries to find words to explain Connie to her parents, but can't think of any because she's stupid. Lucy says that there's a "biblical word" for women like Connie. She's "the high school harlot." I took a class about the Bible only last semester, and I don't recall the term "high school harlot" in there anywhere. Maybe it's in the New Testament. Anyway, "harlot"? I don't even think I can even reference my English grandparents here, because I'm pretty sure they're too young for it. RevCam and Annie exchange glances of horror as Annie makes a mental note to take a shower to get those harlot cooties off of her and then disinfect the house. Then, to add insult to injury, Ruthie comes downstairs and announces that she doesn't believe in God anymore. Okay, that was funny, especially when the CamRents respond by bowing their heads in sadness. The doorbell rings, and Mary and Lucy run to answer the door as Simon says that tonight is probably not ideal for the sex talk.
Mary and Lucy answer the door to reveal...Kyle, and what appears to be his twin brother. Aw, they're wearing cute little suits and they brought matching bouquets of flowers! Lucy and Mary are totally bummed that their dates are little boys. Simon laughs as a Blues Guitar Of Whoops! I Think We Just Broke The Statutory Rape Law plays.
After the commercial, RevCam frets about the state of his oldest son's virginity while Annie says, "Stop worrying! We spent the whole afternoon with Connie. If she's really what Lucy says she is then they ought to give her an Oscar, because all I saw was a shy, nervous, scared girl. She's not a -- she's just -- she's just Connie!" As if the fact that Annie now knows that Connie sleeps around means that Connie must also satisfy her preconceived ideas of what whores are like. And now RevCam and Annie reveal what horrible people they really are when they talk about Eric's ex-girlfriend, who apparently came over during the commercial break. He says he remembers that he broke up with her because of her "baby-talk." Then he launches into an impression of her that sounds less like "baby-talk" than it does "unfortunate woman with a speech impediment who you'd think a Man of God wouldn't be picking on behind her back." Annie tells him to "gwab the pizza! Wet's go!" They laugh and laugh like the jerks they are as they walk to the dining room.
And finally, we get to see Snappy. Besides having that speech impediment, the lady who plays Snappy seems to also have been stricken with a compulsion to always wear her ginormous Snappy costume. This is the only explanation I can think of for why she wears that impractical and bulky thing for the rest of the show. She asks Ruthie what she learned today. "Question authority," Ruthie responds brattily. Girl doesn't know that Santa Claus is fake, but she knows the word "authority"? How consistent. Snappy takes off her dinosaur head and tosses it behind her when the pizza comes, proclaiming pizza to be a "Snappy good time!" Then she says they should all say a blessing first, to which Ruthie asks, "To who?" Annie, RevCam, and Snappy are crestfallen. Blessing finished, Simon decides to ruin everyone's appetite by saying that after dinner, maybe Kyle can show everyone his one chest hair. Lucy looks upset, probably because her date isn't the one with the chest hair.
Matt's senior prom guarantees to be the cheesiest one I've ever seen, as it takes place in the school gymnasium. Connie steers Matt over to a bench behind some bushes and tries to make out with him, but he tries to protect himself from her slatternly ways by telling her that they shouldn't kiss if they haven't even danced first. Connie says that when they go into the prom, everyone will be talking about them, and how Matt is with her for only one reason, so why don't they just fool around? Matt says he doesn't even know Connie yet. That hasn't stopped him before. Connie says that they should get to know each other. Matt agrees, and his first getting-to-know-you question is, "What's it like growing up in a house with only one parent and no brothers or sisters?" You rude, inappropriate git. Then we hear about how Connie's dad never talks about sex with her and is overprotective, and that's why she's the school slut. She gives guys what they want so they'll like her. Matt wonders if she's had any luck finding a guy who does like her for that. Then he goes John Gray on us with his theory of how men and women can interact successfully. He says that guys like to be the pursuers because of their old hunter-gatherer instincts, while women's nurturing instinct makes them want to be pursued. I would be outraged at these gross, clock-setting-back-on-women's-liberation generalizations, but I think Matt might be admitting to the possibility of evolution, so my hopefulness and my anger cancel each other out, leaving me merely indifferent. Matt says that in every relationship there must be a giver and a taker, and that Connie has to make him "dig deep" and "sacrifice." I guess this is why the CamRents have such a "functional" relationship. Because Annie, being a nurturing woman, is a nagging shrew who only provides love after certain conditions have been met, and RevCam, being a manly hunter-gatherer, gets off on that. Matt says that if Connie makes him dance, that would be a sacrifice, because he hates to dance. Connie says okay and stands up, but Matt manfully grabs her arm and tugs her back down to the bench to kiss her, thus showing her that they will kiss only when he wants to. Then he asks her to make him be a gentleman. Connie is confused and asks if this means that Matt's not ruling out..."dancing?" Matt says, "Not ruling it out at all!" The commercial break heightens the suspense of whether or not Matt will lose his precious virginity by doing some horizontal dancing with Connie, the wicked dirty trollop.
RevCam paces the kitchen nervously while Annie does the dishes. He's worried about how late it is and how Matt isn't home. Annie says that she's worried, too, but doesn't want to consider the what-ifs. RevCam pretends to help by picking up a dish, but Annie tells him that she'll do it while RevCam goes upstairs to help Snappy entertain Ruthie. RevCam says he won't go up there, and then he makes fun of poor Snappy's speech impediment again.
A child's record player plays a Barney-esque song while Snappy and Ruthie dance around it. Upon completion, Ruthie says that that was about as much fun as she's allowed to have, which is as true as it is sad. Ruthie tries to get Snappy to leave by saying it's her bedtime, but Snappy won't be deterred. I laugh and laugh at the idea of Ruthie being plagued by someone actually more annoying than her, and thus seeing how we all feel whenever she's on screen. Snappy says that she knows how important it is that kids learn stuff, and that's why she does live shows and make tapes and books. Ruthie asks if Snappy's portrayer is making lots of money through educating children. Now, wait just a gosh-darned minute! If this show is trying to suggest that Mr. Rogers did children's shows just because he was making money and not because he cared about children, then everyone involved in putting this sentiment on the screen can die and go to hell. Snappy agrees that she should be going, and asks Ruthie if she's still mad at her. Ruthie says she's not mad at anyone, but we see that she is crossing her fingers behind her back. And if you think that Ruthie thanked Snappy for taking so much time out of her busy schedule to play with her, then, again, you must be watching a different show. After Snappy leaves, Ruthie throws her Snappy stuffed animal in the trash and says she still doesn't believe in God.
Mary and Lucy sit on the couch with their little boy dates, like, why haven't they just said that this isn't going to happen and shown them the door yet? That's what I would do if I were ever stupid enough to accidentally date a little boy. Simon is seated on a nearby chair with Happy, watching the scene with just a little too much glee. Kyle and Casey try to put their arms around Mary and Lucy in unison. I don't know why Lucy and Mary find them so objectionable; you'd think they would jump -- in unison -- at the chance to be with a pair of guys who do everything at the same time. Kyle and Casey try to make conversation, with little success.
Snappy gives Eric a big ol' dinosaur hug as Annie clears her throat jealously. Snappy disengages herself from Eric and runs over to Annie to give her a hug as well, calling her "Ewic's wittle wife." Damn, that's patronizing. Snappy says that "when children's dreams are shattered, the whole world weeps. Some would even say that that's how oceans were formed." And for saying that, Snappy, you officially suck. Doesn't matter how much you annoy Ruthie now -- you suck forever. Annie wonders if scientists would agree with Snappy's assessment of the formation of our planet's largest bodies of water. Whoa, was that yet another reference to the possibility of human evolution? I'm feeling a little encouraged here! Maybe Brenda's finally ready to enter the sixties! Snappy leaves Annie her business card, which she just happens to have in her dinosaur suit hand, and leaves. Poor Snappy is barely three feet away from the house when Annie tells RevCam to go upstairs and see if Snappy did Ruthie any permanent damage. Then she walks into The Den Of Pedophilia and asks if anyone wants ice cream. Kyle and Casey jump up and say they do, then realize that they're not being very mature and sit back down, calmly stating that ice cream would be lovely. Annie asks Simon to help her in the kitchen, to which Mary and Lucy immediately offer their services instead. Annie cruelly says that they need to stay and entertain their dates, like, what kind of lesson is she even trying to teach them? Don't date children? I think they already know that one.
Mary tells Kyle that it's not cool that he tricked them into dating him and his brother. He says that he never tricked her -- he called and said he was her brother's friend, and he is Simon's friend. If she assumed he was Matt's friend, that's her fault, not his. He looks pretty pleased with himself, as Lucy glares at Mary for being so damn stupid that she didn't realize that the kid she was talking to on the phone hadn't hit puberty yet.
Post-prom, Matt and Connie sit on the steps outside the high school. Connie and Matt say that they had fun, and then agree that it's too early to go home, and then they smooch as the scene fades out. I am so nervous about Matt losing his virginity. Stay strong, Matt! Promise Keep!
RevCam and Ruthie talk in her bedroom as ABC Family uses the bottom left corner of my television screen to remind me to watch Dance Fever. Well, that was funnier than any of the intentional jokes on this show. RevCam tells Ruthie that he didn't know that Ruthie was under the impression that Snappy was a real dinosaur. Ruthie says she isn't anymore, and even worse, Snappy is her dad's old girlfriend and she talks in a baby voice. You know, Snappy probably skipped her speech therapy appointment just to see you, Ruthie, and you repay her by mocking her speech impediment? That's pretty harsh. RevCam psychobabbles on about how babies prefer to be spoken to in baby-talk, but no one cares, so he asks Ruthie about her newfound atheism. He lays on the guilt: "It kind of gets me right in the heart, because God is so real to me." Ah, so the mystery of RevCam's heart problems are solved: it was all Ruthie's non-believing fault. Also, if God is so real to RevCam, you'd think that he would actually talk about Him more. Or at least have, like, one picture of Jesus somewhere in the house. Ruthie says that you can't see God. RevCam launches into a sort-of sweet speech about how you can't see wind, pain, or happiness, but you can see their results in waving trees, tears, and smiles, so you know they're real. Ruthie cares not for such poetry; she just wants to know if something bad will happen to her if she doesn't believe in God, and if something good will happen to her if she does. And therefore Ruthie shows us how religion becomes the opiate of the masses. RevCam says that he believes in God, and that both good and bad things have happened to him. I would say more bad things than good, seeing as how he's married to Annie and all of his kids suck. RevCam says that believing in God helps him get through the bad things, and then he can enjoy the good things. For example, it was bad that Ruthie went backstage to see Snappy, but it lead to the conversation they're having right now, which is good. Then he notices that his rude-ass daughter fell asleep while he was talking. RevCam puts her doll to her head and sighs. By the way, Ruthie's doll? African-American. I wonder what the prop department is trying to tell us there.
Downstairs, Annie spoons leftover ice cream BACK INTO the Ben and Jerry's carton. If you're so poor that you have to do that, why are you buying tiny cartons of Ben and Jerry's in the first place? And of course, the Camdens' flavor of choice is vanilla. RevCam comes down and asks where everyone is. Annie replies that Kyle and Casey's mom picked them up, and Mary, Lucy, and Simon went to bed. RevCam wonders if they should wait up for Matt. Annie asks if he wants one scoop of ice cream or two, then scoops the nasty half-eaten goo back into the bowl that someone else already used.
Matt and Connie make out in his rockin' station wagon. Connie says she thinks they've done enough, and Matt backs off. Ah ha ha ha ha! Even the school slut rejects your ass, Matt Camden! Connie is surprised that Matt isn't trying to get her to do more, but he says he's man enough to hear the word "no." Connie then loses any cool points she may have accumulated by saying that maybe they should just take a short break and "reconsider."
RevCam walks into the living room with a bowl of ice cream. Annie tells him that that is his third bowl. So that's, like, what, three cartons of Ben and Jerry's? Unless Ben and Jerry's has some kind of deal where they give ministers unlimited free ice cream, I think we can safely say that the church collection plate sponsored tonight's ice cream feeding frenzy. Annie says that RevCam gaining ten pounds won't bring Matt back any faster. RevCam says he thought Annie liked him "with a little meat on [his] bones." I don't even want to think about that. Annie says that she was lying then, which shouldn't surprise anyone since she lies all the time. Sufficiently discouraged, RevCam puts the ice cream down. Whatever, man. You suffered through Annie's poodle hair period; she can suffer through your overweight one.
Simon, Lucy, and Mary peek around the corner of the stairs into the kitchen as Pink Panther-esque music plays. They grab some cold pizza that was just sitting on the countertop waiting to spoil, since Annie's apparently never heard of a marvelous new invention called "refrigeration." RevCam turns the lights on, delighted to have caught his kids awake so he can lecture them. He tells Lucy and Mary not to make anymore dates with strangers. Lucy asks if this means that she's allowed to date now, to which RevCam responds that she is, once she gives the CamRents proof of good judgment. Too bad the continuity department never kept that rule going. Then we wouldn't have had to suffer through all of Lucy's craptastical boyfriends/fiancés or her robo-husband. Before Simon can get away, RevCam tells him it's time for their talk. RevCam asks him what prompted his little friends to ask Mary and Lucy out, to which Simon responds that the monkey sex film is making everyone act weird. He says that the film "ruined everything," because it had no romance, feelings, or love, just monkeys doin' it and a singing zookeeper. Are they trying to say that sex education in schools is wrong? Damn you, Brenda Hampton. And what kind of ridiculous sex ed curriculum includes a video of monkey sex that includes a singing zookeeper? And this is coming from someone whose school's sex education program consisted of two showings of Captain Condom's Video Adventures. Simon says he didn't need to see the video because he already knows enough about sex. RevCam says that other kids aren't lucky enough to have horny parents. Simon says that he's lucky to have Matt to ask, because Matt "knows everything." Ha ha ha ha ha! RevCam eats a slice of pizza. Someone's hungry tonight. Pot munchies or excessive worry? You be the judge.
Matt and Connie interrupt her father from his couch nap. He says she looks just like her mother in her prom get-up. That's sweet. Connie and Dad resolve their problems while the camera focuses on Matt, who is standing between them, because this scene is all about him. He kisses Connie good night, says he had a great time, and leaves. Connie's dad puts his arm around her. I think everything's gonna be all right.
RevCam and Annie snore on the couch as Matt comes in. He turns the light off, waking them up. They ask about the prom, and he says he had a really nice time and thanks them both for everything as he walks upstairs. Annie says that they can "get it out of him tomorrow." RevCam looks at his watch and says that it's tomorrow already. They goofily run upstairs to interrogate Matt on whether or not he had sex. It turns out that he totally did. Monkey.