“ Oh, I see, what Simon really means is that the video featured monkey sex, but since the writers of this show have no idea how real people speak, they made Simon say 'court' instead. ”
Hey everyone! Today's episode is entitled "Like A Harlot," and if you don't think that that's the most amazingly ridiculous title for an episode of television ever, then you must not be human. Also, www.tvtome.com says that the German translation for this episode is "Termination Ball," which is probably the coolest name for just about anything. I intend to adopt the term into my daily lexicon.
We open with a shot of the CamPound that, surprisingly, does not include that little red Fisher-Price car that's always in front of the house even though no one's ever used it. And then we're in the kitchen, where Annie is preparing food as per usual, and Simon is walking in with a friend who we've never seen before and will never see again after this episode, also as per usual. Annie tells Simon's friend, Kyle, that it's nice to see him again, as if to imply that he is a regular guest at the house even though we all know he isn't. Those Camden kids go through friends like I go through Termination Balls. And I go through a lot of those. Simon tells Annie, who obviously doesn't care, that he and Kyle had a rough day at school and they need to talk. To each other. Alone. Annie does not say that maybe the little brats should go to Simon's room and talk, because Annie has actual things to do in the kitchen and can't just get up and leave because two eleven-year-olds need some private time. Instead, she leaves, although I don't know how she manages to walk away, seeing as she has no backbone.
Simon and Kyle talk about a film they saw in health class that has changed their lives forever. They wish they had never seen it at all. Ah, I know what they're talking about. That scary-ass fire safety video that says that when a fire starts in your home, you have less than a minute to escape alive, and you have to crawl through your house which, by the way, is thick with black smoke. And then the video ends with graphic details about how you'll die if you don't escape within those first sixty seconds. I know my life wasn't the same after I had to watch it. Lots of sleepless nights for my twelve-year-old self. Lots of 'em. Oh, but Simon is talking about something else -- a video that shows how monkeys "court" other monkeys. I don't see what's so bad about watching a boy monkey buy a root beer float for a girl monkey down at the Soda Shoppe -- oh, I see, what Simon really means is that the video featured monkey sex, but since the writers of this show have no idea how real people speak, they made Simon say "court" instead. Kyle says that the video was like "watching restricted cable, with a grown-up watching you to see if you were thinking anything bad." Simon calls it "the Nature Channel -- with attitude." Unless those monkeys were having themselves some raw, kinky sex, which I doubt (well, unless they were bonobo chimps), then it's more like the Nature Channel on a regular weekday, with no attitude added. Simon says that he will not tell his parents about the video, because then they'll talk to him about sex and he's already heard that talk many times. I'll bet he has, too.
Like a Harlot
“ It's girls like this who are responsible for those board games like Dream Phone that ruined my childhood. Every time I won that game, it would only be to get asked out by one of the ugly guys, like dorky Jason or smarmy Alan. Once I got Jason three times in arow. Do you know what that does to a girl's self-esteem? ”
The scene-change guitar sounds like a totally crappy version of The Beatles' "Blackbird" as it plays us into Simon seeing Matt in the hallway, and then running away. Yeah, it's rude of Simon to do that in Matt's face, but can you really blame him? Matt wants to know what's going on, because Simon and Kyle were acting "squirrelly" the whole ride home from school. Matt tells Simon he might as well tell him, because he'll find out soon enough anyway. How sad that this is true. Before Simon has the chance to tell Matt about the film, he guesses and says that Simon is now a man because he saw the monkey sex. The Camdens have the weirdest coming-of-age hallmarks.
Lucy and Mary are entertaining themselves by throwing popcorn into each other's mouths. Sadly, they don't choke and die. Instead, the phone rings. Mary answers, then puts her hand over the receiver and tells Lucy that "it's a guy." Lucy is, like, so excited! Then Mary tells her that "it's a friend of Matt's," and Lucy is so super-excited! Then Mary says that the guy calling her has a younger brother and they want to double-date Mary and Lucy tomorrow night and the two girls scream with joy! Mary plays it cool and says that they'll have to ask their parents, and that the guy shouldn't mention this to Matt because he wouldn't like it. Mary says she'll call him back, hangs up, and then the two nitwits scream again. Lucy asks if they know the guys, to which Mary responds, "No, but who cares? It's a DATE!" Then they scream for yet a third time, which leads into Mary doing a strange combination of the "it's your birthday" and the "shopping cart" dances as the scene fades out. Just when I thought the women on this show couldn't get any more pathetic, something like that happens. And it's girls like this who are responsible for those board games like Dream Phone that ruined my childhood. Every time I won that game, it would only be to get asked out by one of the ugly guys, like dorky Jason or smarmy Alan. Once I got Jason three times in arow. Do you know what that does to a girl's self-esteem?
The day at the CamPound, Annie is dialing and hanging up the phone over and over again as RevCam comes in. Either she's decided to drop all pretense of calling people to talk and is skipping right to the hanging up, or she's trying to call a radio show to win Snappy tickets. "I'm hoping I'll get lucky!" she says. Girl, last time you got lucky, Ruthie came into our lives, so maybe that's not such a good idea. RevCam's all, "Snappy? Oh, I know Snappy!" Annie pooh-poohs this, saying that everyone knows Snappy and that's why she can't get tickets. No, RevCam says, he dated the lady who plays Snappy when he was in high school. Annie's face contorts in jealousy briefly, then untwists as she says that RevCam should call Snappy and beg for tickets. RevCam is hesitant until Ruthie comes downstairs, wearing a solid black cap that looks like it should be in an N.W.A. video. RevCam tells her that he went to school with Snappy. She says something lame like "cool school," and then says that if RevCam doesn't get her Snappy tickets, then she'll sic Ice Cube and D.J. Yella on his honky ass. RevCam says he'll try, but Ruthie shouldn't count on it. I have to say, I really like RevCam and Ruthie's interactions. Annie is always fake and baby-talky with Ruthie, but RevCam never talks down to her; he just phrases certain things a little simpler, much like he talks to Mary. I think it's cute. But what's not cute is when a still-freaked-out Simon comes downstairs, looks at his parents, and then grabs his lunch and runs out the door.