Lucy has to choose between two boys, both of whom are not exactly prizes, and Annie's father comes to visit, causing all kinds of problems. Also, Ruthie has a new pet and lots and lots of death ensues.
We open at the high school, where Lucy just found out that her ex-boyfriend Jimmy Moon broke up with Ashley. She starts reminiscing about her time with Jimmy Moon. She does this in a black-and-white montage complete with a song in French with violins and a piano. I usually reminisce a bit less fancily that, but we can't all be elaborate. Ah, there's the time Jimmy turned around and looked at her with a blank expression on his face. And there's the time when they watched a movie in the CamDen, and he put his arm around her with a blank expression on his face. And there's that time when they almost kissed in the movies with a blank expression on his face. We also see shots of Lucy (in color) making the creepiest smile. It looks like she has no upper lip. Then we get Jimmy breaking up with Lucy because she dyed her hair blonde. She says she'll find someone who likes her as a blonde. He blankly says, "Good luck." I think it would have been really cool if "Cold As Ice" by Foreigner came in now, but it doesn't. The montage ends. Lucy's smile has thankfully disappeared. Suddenly, Rod walks up behind her. Poor Rod. He looks like he could be attractive, but they gave him this woman's short hairstyle from the eighties and a pathetic moustache that looks like a hairy carrot got glued to his face. "Hola Camdens," he says. Because I took Spanish for five years, I know that what he said was "hello Camdens." But wait -- Camdens? Ah yes, there's Matt and Mary there also, because it's really cool when brothers and sisters hang out with each other in high school. "Como estas?" says Rod. I would have put an upside-down question mark in the front of his sentence so it would look more authentico but I don't know how to do that. Rod explains in English that he is "staking out" his "territory." Is he a wolf? Then he asks Lucy if they are seeing each other. Lucy gives him an open mouth of indecision as she looks over at Jimmy Moon, whose locker is conveniently near them. He gives her a blank look. Matt and Mary look at each other. Lucy says she'll think about it. Rod looks confused, then walks over to the water fountain to pee on it so everyone will know that this is his territory. Jimmy gives Lucy a blank smile. I didn't know that was even possible, but there it is. Opening credits time!
We open to people riding bikes. From the camera angle, it looks like they almost got hit by a passing car. It would have been cool if they had. They're wearing helmets, too, because Helmets Are Safe. Here's a postman walking to his mailtruck. He's wearing a safari hat. And now we're in the CamPound, where Lucy is putting all her school stuff down. We hear Annie's voice saying something about being caught by surprise.
Lucy walks into the kitchen where Annie is on the phone. She gesticulates wildly to her mother. I think she's trying to tell her to get off the phone, but I don't read Lucy Sign Language, so I can't be sure. Annie ignores her and continues her phone conversation. She's talking to her father. The surprise is that he's coming to visit. Annie asks if her dad's girlfriend Ginger is coming too, but Anniedad explains that they've broken up. Annie pretends that she's sorry to hear that and asks why. Anniedad says that he made some changes and Ginger wasn't comfortable with them. Changes, eh? I hope they're part of some humorous subplot! No, I don't. Annie says she has to go to the church and help RevCam with a couples counseling session. Stupid Ruthie walks in with a stupid box in her stupid hands. Lucy tells her that she will have to wait in line for Mother, and that line begins after Lucy. Ruthie rudely replies, "So?" Ruthie, I hate you. A lot. Ruthie tells Annie, who is still on the phone, that her friend Ricky had some lizards he had to give away, so she took them. Annie opens the box. Yes, there are lizards in there. Lizards, and some tickertape. The lizards look at the tickertape, then take the phone away from Annie to call their brokers and demand that they sell their tech stocks immediately. Okay, no, they don't. What actually happens is that Annie tells Ruthie that she can't have lizards. Ruthie walks away, no doubt to return the forbidden reptiles to Ricky. Oh wait, I forgot that Ruthie is a disobedient troll. Annie hangs up on her dad, but not before he says that he has a surprise for her. Do you think that it will be hilarious? No, I don't either. Annie is running out the door while Lucy tells her that Jimmy Moon and Ashley broke up and this is her big chance to be with him again. But Rod also wants her. Lucy says that this is "exciting." Annie says something that doesn't look funny written down, and maybe wasn't supposed to be funny, but was: "Rod and Jimmy? Yes, that's very exciting! Two very exciting choices!" Then she gives Lucy all these orders and literally runs out the door. Lucy looks angry that she doesn't get no respect.
So we're here at the church, in Eric's Special Counseling Session. RevCam explains that he gathers couples from his church who have been married for a year together so they can talk. RevCam asks for volunteers. No, Robert and Patty don't want to share anything. Neither do Katie and Michael. RevCam asks if they are still living at Michael's mother's house. Way to embarrass them in front of the rest of the group, Eric. Katie nods but looks a little annoyed. RevCam asks if Bonnie has still been breaking sales records. She happily nods in the affirmative, although we all know that she's not really happy, because she works when her husband should be the one supporting the family. RevCam asks her husband, who is too ugly to get a name, if he's finishing med school this year. He says yes. RevCam states that everything is going great. Everyone nods and/or gives a one word answer. Awkward!
We're in Lucy's room, where she's chatting away about Jimmy to her friend. I guess it's her friend, but since they don't have the money to pay for a Lucy Friend this week, not even the voice of one, for all I know she's talking to the operator on the information line. Mary says that Jimmy and Rod can't call if Lucy is on the phone. Lucy says that she is playing "hard to reach" until she figures out which one she wants. Mary looks annoyed. Me too.
Rod's trying to call Lucy, but her line is busy.
Jimmy is trying to call Lucy as he looks at a picture of her. The line is busy. He has no reaction.
Mary walks into the hall. Matt runs after her. It sounds like he calls her "babe." After three rewinds, it still sounds like "babe." I know I'm always calling my brother "hottie," so this is not weird or gross at all. Matt tells Mary to tell Lucy to get back with Jimmy. Mary says that neither Jimmy nor Rod is right for Lucy. Matt says Lucy has to choose one. Simon walks up and asks if anyone wants to place a bet on who Lucy will choose. Guys, get out of your sister's love life. Seriously, it's getting weird. Matt says he won't because Annie and Eric won't like it. Simon points out that they're both busy, and best of all, they're busy together. Shudder. Mary says that doesn't make it okay to gamble on their sister. Matt grabs Simon's arm and says "no betting." Simon says that no money has to be involved; the winner will just get the glory of winning. Ruthie runs out and is all excited that "Lester" is laying eggs. I'm upset because I once had a lizard named Lester when I was ten. I wonder if I was also annoying, loud, and rude. I make a mental note to apologize to anyone who may have had contact with me then, just in case. Simon and Ruthie have a conversation about males not being able to lay eggs. My Frappuccino just ran out, so I'm too upset at the prospect of recapping without my favorite drink to summarize that pointless time filler. Mary and Ruthie leave to watch the Laying of the Eggs. Matt says that he's not betting anything, but he's going with Jimmy. Simon says he's kidding himself. Yes -- about Jimmy, and about so many, many, other things. Ruthie pokes her head out into the hallway and says that she and Simon are betting on Rod. Go away.
Eric and Annie are still in the session. They are talking, but no one else is. Blah blah blah, communication, blah blah. Suddenly, Uglyhusband pipes up and says that Bonnie is a control freak, especially with the money. Bonnie points out that it's her money. Ugly says it's their money. Bonnie says that she earns it and he spends it. He points out that he spends it on medical school. Bonnie does a "talk to the hand" gesture and looks away. Katie says she hates living with Michael's mother. Michael says that she hates his mother. I wish the show were taking place in their house; that would at least be entertaining. Then Michael says something about not abandoning his mom like his dad did, and I don't care about them anymore. Now it's Robert and Patty's turn to have problems. Robert's mad because Patty's pregnant. Patty's mad because Robert didn't go to the sonogram because he was too busy watching cartoons. That sucks for Patty. RevCam says that now they're getting somewhere, but time's up, so, bye everyone! They all walk out mad at each other. They should be mad at themselves for not going to a real marriage counselor with a degree in counseling.
Back at the CamPound, Eric and Annie enter. Eric asks if he can help with dinner, but Annie says that she just has to put the lasagna in the oven. Eric brings up Annie's dad and Ginger. They wonder what the problem between them is.
Lucy's room. She's still talking, but this time she's in the dark and lying down. Mary is to her, doing a headstand for no reason. I am momentarily impressed by this show of gymnastic skill, then I hope that they both pass out from too much blood to the brain.
Matt comes into the kitchen, where Eric and Annie are making out. Annie asks where her father is and why Matt isn't at the airport picking him up. Matt is more clueless than usual. Annie screams Lucy's name -- first and last. She doesn't provide a middle, however, so I don't think that Lucy's in too much trouble. Or the writers couldn't be bothered to give her a middle name. Up in her room, Lucy freaks and rudely hangs up on her friend. The lighting of the room has suddenly become much brighter, in a show of inconsistency that just cuts the cord holding up my suspended disbelief, causing it to plummet down the ravine of No More Interest In This Show. But that happens about every two minutes anyway. Lucy says that she forgot to tell Matt to pick up Grandpa. Mary says that Lucy is dead, Lucy makes a weird noise, the doorbell rings.
Down in the hall, the entire family runs to answer the door. That is the opposite of what happens when I'm home for break. I've had friends come over, ring the doorbell, and leave thinking no one was home because inside the house we were all fighting with each other over who should get up and not answering the door. I would still rather have my lazy family, though, than the Camdens.
Back on the show, the door opens to Anniedad wearing a very obvious toupee. In a remarkable show of subtlety, the show has chosen to give Anniedad a wig that does not come close to matching his hair color. Shots of everyone in the family being shocked. Happy barks. Ruthie doesn't recognize her own grandfather because she is horrible and stupid. Annie makes a face. Anniedad smiles. The Guitar of Amusement plays us to a commercial. Let me tell you, I laughed about that toupee gag for the whole break. Actually, I didn't.
Morning at the CamPound. Ruthie is asking rude questions about the wig. Simon asks "what the chicks think" about his new hair. The day I ask my grandfather if women find him attractive is...well...never. Anniedad says that they've shown interest. Sure. Simon asks what Ginger thinks. Annie makes a really angry face for no reason, and it scares me. Anniedad says that he and Ginger are "taking a break." Ruthie asks what they're taking a break from. I ask Ruthie to give me a break. Simon tells her that Ginger and Anniedad are over. Then he asks if Anniedad has been getting younger girls with his new look. Again, it's weird that a twelve-year-old cares this much about his grandfather's love life. It would be weird at any age, so don't even think about raising the topic, Matt. Annie sighs angrily. Simon corrects himself and says, "Younger women?" Like that's any better, Simon -- stop asking your grandfather these questions! Annie tells Simon and Ruthie to go get ready for school. Ruthie is disappointed that she won't be able to hear any juicy details. I am relieved.
Ruthie and Simon have a conversation about the lizards that I can't even begin to care about. I pity the lizards because they're close to Ruthie, but that's it. They agree not to get rid of the lizards while they have the eggs. Then Simon does the Dakar television show-style walk into the camera.
Anniedad asks what Annie thinks. Annie says that it's his business if he wants to date younger women. Yes, it is, Annie, thank you. Anniedad says he was talking about the toupee. Annie says it will take some getting used to. Eric enters and addresses Anniedad as "Grandpa." What? Does that mean that Anniedad is not only Annie's dad, but also Eric's grandfather? That would mean that Anniedad is the Colonel's father, and Annie is Eric's mother or his aunt as well as his wife. This is the kind of incest that produces stupid, noisy, annoying children. RevCam says that "Grandpa" just doesn't seem to work for Anniedad with the new toupee. It doesn't work without it either, Eric. While he says this, he puts his hands in front of his face and looks like he's vogueing. Strike a pose. Annie quickly says that she thinks "Grandpa" does suit him, and her face looks like she was sucking several lemons during her off-camera time. Anniedad says he has another surprise. Annie is less than thrilled. Anniedad tells them that he's given them the two burial plots to his and his dead wife's. Annie says a weak "thank you." Eric drinks some brownish orange juice. I add "burial plot" to my birthday list.
It's time for some exciting high school scenes. And by exciting, I mean "not exciting." Rod and Lucy are walking down the hall. Lucy says she didn't think that Rod was even interested in her until he heard about Jimmy breaking up with Ashley. Rod says his feelings for her are sincere, the break-up just forced his hand. Here comes Jimmy, and he wants a word with Lucy. "Alone," he adds as he blankly looks at Rod. Rod kisses her hand with that awful moustache and calls Lucy his "chica changa cabeza." I could tell you what that means, but then I would be giving away a really funny moment later on. Well, I'd be giving a moment away, anyway. Jimmy asks Lucy if she's dating Rod. Lucy says no, she still can't date. Jimmy asks if she's seeing him. Lucy coyly replies, "Yeah...kind of." Jimmy says that he and Ashley broke up. Lucy pretends she didn't know. Jimmy says he knows she does. Way to get called out, Lucy. Jimmy wants to "analyze what went wrong in [his and Lucy's] relationship." I really hate this kid. He says more stuff about overcoming barriers, but I tune him out. Lucy says she'll think about it. We get a non-reaction shot from Jimmy, who walks away. Lucy smiles like she's just the catch of the year. She walks away, past Matt, who was lurking behind a corner the whole time. That is so creepy.
Mary runs up and asks Matt if he was just spying on Lucy. How big is this school? I have a harder time running into my family in the kitchen, let alone spying on them. Matt says that he was spying on Lucy, and Mary should be spying on her too. Actually, neither of you should be spying on Lucy. That's RevCam's job. Matt doesn't think that Lucy will make the right choice. Mary asks if that choice is Jimmy Moon. As she says this, Rod walks up behind them. Of course. He wants Mary and Matt to know that he deeply cares about Lucy. I don't know why Mary has to know this. She obviously doesn't care. Matt asks if he can be honest. Rod says he hopes so because Matt's dad is a minister. Mary looks away, no longer wanting to be associated with such lameness. Matt tells Rod that he's too mature for Lucy. Rod says that's "radical!" Then the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the cartoon, not the comic book) jump out along with Debbie Gibson and the cast of Dallas, and our transformation to the eighties is complete. Rod says that Lucy is as mature as he is. Matt begs Mary to talk to Lucy and walks away, leaving Mary alone, all alone.
Walking in the church parking lot, Annie says she's upset about her father. Eric agrees, he thinks Anniedad should ask before buying burial plots. But Annie's not talking about burial plots, she's talking about the toupee. She likes the burial plots. Eric says he always thought they would be buried in the Camden Family Graveyard in upstate New York. Don't even try to tell me any Camden is that important that he's got his own graveyard. Camdens have been buried there for hundreds of years, Eric explains. Annie points out that it's only been "a hundred" years, indicating that she has heard of this morbid place and its history before. Who talks about this ever? "It's just a hole in the ground," Eric says, "so what difference does it make anyway?" Annie agrees, then suddenly and without warning Bitch Attacks Eric with "unless by that you mean you don't want to be buried to MY mother and father!" Then she walks away in a huff. Eric watches her, groans, and then runs after her.
Back from school, Lucy and Mary enter their room as the phone rings. Lucy runs to answer it. It's one of her stupid, faceless, nameless friends. Lucy discusses her boyfriend choices. Mary tells her she's not supposed to be on the phone, but is ignored. Lucy keeps talking. Mary tells her she's on phone restriction. Lucy says that Annie and Eric aren't home. Mary looks irritated and says she can't believe Rod thinks she's mature. Lucy gets all excited about this revelation and tells her friend. Lucy then informs us, I mean Mary, that her friend is looking up "mi chica changa cabeza" in the Spanish/English dictionary she fortunately has right to her phone. Mary sarcastically says she can hardly wait to hear what it means. I know, Mary, me neither! This is going to be great! Turns out that it means "my little monkey head." Lucy is disgusted. Mary laughs. I would like to point out that "mi chica changa cabeza" actually means "my girl monkey head." "My little monkey head" would be "mi changa cabezita" or "mi cabeza changa pequeno" or something like that. I am officially smarter than the writers of this show.
Annie and Eric enter the counseling session. Katie and Michael are fighting about leaving his mom's house. Patty wants to know why Robert won't let her tell her own mother that she's pregnant. Robert needs more time. What a loser. Patty's upset because Robert is ruining the happiest time of her life. Then she excuses herself to throw up. Pregnant women are SO FUNNY! Endless laughs abound with irrational, contrary, silly pregnant women! It's Bonnie and Ugly's turn to fight, so Bonnie says he should go help Patty throw up so she can see what she's paying for. Oh, but isn't it someone else's job to help sick people throw up, like the under-appreciated nurses? RevCam orders a time out while Annie glares at everyone. Patty comes back into the room. She doesn't feel like throwing up anymore. I do. RevCam decides that it would a really good idea to have a disagreement with Annie to show the couples how to fight productively. Annie doesn't think that's a good idea and makes a face.
Over at the house, the doorbell rings, and Simon tells no one that he'll get it. Rod is at the door. Simon lets him in. Rod asks Simon if he has facial hair, but Simon says that it's peanut butter. What a slob. But the peanut-butterstache looks better than Rod's. Simon goes to get Lucy, but Rod says he wants to talk to Simon. Simon agrees, and they go up into his room. Ruthie's there, and she tells Simon that the lizard eggs are gone. Lizard Expert Rod says that sometimes lizards eat their eggs. No one looks as horrified about this fact of nature as I do. A friend of mine had mice once, and one had babies, and she could hear them scream as their parents ate them when she went to bed at night. This is how I know that when animals do this, it is a fear response. They sense that they are being threatened, and eat their eggs. Thus it is Ruthie's fault that this happened. And it probably wasn't a fear response so much as a "we can't allow our children to live in a world with this evil curly-haired overlord!" response. Simon kicks Ruthie out so he can have a man-to-man talk with Rod. Ruthie asks where the men are. Hyuk hyuk hyuk slap! Then she leaves. Rod says he thinks that Simon is more supportive of him and Lucy than the rest of the family. Simon says Rod has to "clean up his act" before RevCam lets him date Lucy, and his mother doesn't like a fourteen-year-old with a moustache. Who does?
The doorbell rings, and Ruthie and Matt answer the door. Who could it be? Why, it's Jimmy Moon. Matt says he wants to talk to him. Ruthie makes some smart-ass comment and leaves. Jimmy and Matt walk into the kitchen, where Jimmy speaks in his monotone and I don't care. He doesn't think that Rod is right for Lucy. Matt agrees, but he doesn't think that Jimmy is right for Lucy either because he broke her heart. Jimmy says that he broke up with Lucy because when she dyed her hair blonde it "made [him] uncomfortable with [his] own passions." Why does Jimmy speak like this? Matt tells Jimmy never to mention Lucy and Jimmy's passions in the same sentence ever again. But we can talk about our grandfather's passions and spy on our sister and try to influence her love life, so don't be too upset. Matt says that the break-up was about Jimmy not being able to control Lucy, not about her dying her hair. Whatever. Matt suggests that Jimmy change his image to compete with Rod, quick. I have an idea. Maybe Jimmy could speak like a normal person and actually have facial expressions! Annie could give him lessons.
Lucy is still talking about her choices on the phone. I'll tell you, she either has supportive friends or friends with no lives of their own, to be able to talk to them about this all the time. I vote for the latter! Mary is on the bed with Ruthie, who tells her that both boys are in the house. They laugh about this; I don't. Mary tells Lucy that Rod and Jimmy are in the house. Lucy rudely hangs up on her friend, who has just spent the afternoon talking to her about her problems. Ruthie tells Lucy where she can find Jimmy and Rod, and Lucy makes a weird noise and runs away. Mary and Ruthie laugh. I assume that they're laughing at a tear in Lucy's pants or something we don't get to see, because what just happened wasn't funny. By the way, where is Anniedad during all this? I haven't seen him in a half hour. Maybe he's out picking up young girls.
In the counseling session, RevCam and Annie are having it out about the burial plots. Annie yells that Eric is insulting her family, which I'll bet he was, and runs out of the room. I notice that she is wearing black pantyhose under a grey skirt with a blue sweater. Annie has no fashion sense, ever. Then a member from each of the couples follows her. Those who remain look annoyed at RevCam and his piss-poor counseling abilities.
Lucy has lined Jimmy and Rod up in front of the door. She tells them she'll make her decision soon. We see that all the Camden kids and Anniedad are all listening at the top of the stairs like a bunch of nosy, immature, busybodying, and generally shitty family members. Lucy kicks the two out. The rest of the fam make their decisions. Anniedad, Matt, and Ruthie are for Jimmy, while Mary, Simon, and Ruthie are for Rod. Everyone looks at Ruthie, all confused because she voted twice. She says something "cute," and there's a commercial. As the scene fades out, I notice that everyone looks depressed. And rightfully so.
Night at the Camden house. RevCam is typing on his laptop. There is a knock at his door, and Annie says there is someone here to see him. She sounds pissed. Michael comes in and looks scared. He apologizes for walking out of the session. He wants to move out, but he doesn't know how to tell his mom. RevCam suggests talking to her with his wife. Michael says that he doesn't even want to bring it up because of how his dad left her. They talk about how deadbeats cause problems for everyone. RevCam gives Michael some psychobabble about fighting and bigger issues and then tells Michael to talk to Katie.
In the kitchen, Annie is making a face in an extreme close-up. Scary! A knock at the door. It's Bonnie. She wants to talk to Annie. Why, Bonnie, why?! Annie offers her some tea, and they chat about medical school. Bonnie says that it's not the money that she cares about -- she thinks that once Ugly becomes a doctor he'll dump her for a patient. She thinks that if Ugly doesn't need her financial support, he won't need her. Bonnie, you have some insecurity issues you really need to deal with. Away from my television screen, please. With one sentence, Annie gets Bonnie to admit to herself that her fear is irrational. Then Annie turns to one of Lucy's anorexic friends and tells her that she's not fat and the girl is magically cured! There is a knock on the front door. Anniedad answers the door like this: "HI, I'mAnnie'sfathercomein!" Then Robert enters and waits for the Rev in the living room. Anniedad asks him what his problem is, because he is rude like the rest of his family. Robert says it's not really a problem. Anniedad guesses that he's the one with the pregnant wife. I think it's highly inappropriate that RevCam discusses his counselees with anyone. But then Anniedad says that he wasn't told "everything," whatever that means, so I guess it's only slightly inappropriate. Anniedad tells Robert about his dead wife, and how he's glad that he has Annie or else he'd be all alone. That's a pretty selfish reason to have children, but whatever. Robert decides to go home. He is intercepted by the Rev, who asks if Robert wanted help. Robert says that Anniedad has solved all his problems and leaves. Have you ever tried the Rodeo Burger from Burger King? It is delicious. I'm eating one right now. Oh, yeah, the show. Anniedad, dispenser of all wisdom, tells RevCam that it's better to be married than right. Annie walks over and says she's going to bed and asks if RevCam is coming up soon. RevCam doesn't get the hint, unlike me. I throw up my Rodeo Burger, because the thought of those two having make-up sex is gross.
Lucy is telling off Matt and Simon. She doesn't want everyone getting in her business when she has such a hard choice to make. Simon says that Rod is the best choice. Matt says that Jimmy is better because he may be dull, but at least he isn't weird. Simon says that he would pick weird over dull any day. Lucy asks them where they got the idea that Rod is weird and Jimmy is dull. Matt answers, "Reality." Well, except that I would call them both dull. And everyone else on the show. That's my reality. ["And Matt is both dull and weird, so I don't know who he thinks he's talking to." -- Sars] Simon says his money's on Rod. Matt says that his is on Jimmy. Lucy goes ballistic at the thought that they are placing bets on "the greatest decision [she's] ever had to make in [her] life." It's no big decision for me to call Lucy the most pathetic person ever. Matt points out that they're not using real money, they're using Monopoly money. This makes Lucy even angrier, and she lets out a grunt of frustration and leaves the room.
Out in the hall, Lucy is sulking. Annie walks up to her and pretends to be concerned about the Rod and Jimmy question. Lucy suddenly goes off on Annie and tells her that this is all her fault because Lucy isn't allowed to use the phone and her parents weren't home to keep her brothers away from her potential boyfriends. Annie sighs and says she has to go to bed. She leaves Lucy with something about Lucy not having trouble making up her mind if one of them was "the guy."
We're back in Ruthie's room with those goddamn lizards. Mary's there too, because she has no life. They open the box and say "ew" in unison for no good reason. They discuss the possibility that the male lizard (named "Lizzie") ate Lester's eggs. Ruthie thinks that RevCam should talk to them. Mary points out that they're lizards. I point out that Ruthie is one too, and that never stopped RevCam before. Mary ruffles Ruthie's hair and leaves. Ruthie decides to counsel her lizards herself. That's neither cute nor humorous.
Now we're back to Lucy, who is pacing around her room. Does anyone actually do that? Mary enters, and Lucy runs to hug her in a way that doesn't look staged or unnatural at all. Lucy tells Mary that she is the only one who can help her decide between Rod and Jimmy. Mary tells her to dump them both. I start to think that Mary is the smartest person in that house, until she starts saying how great it is to not have a boyfriend because you don't have to wait by the phone all the time, always look good, and tell some guy where you are and what you're doing all the time. Then I realize that Mary is as pathetic as her sister. Lucy points out that Mary never does any of those things when she does have a boyfriend, and Mary says that this shows that she can be herself AND have a boyfriend. Wow, congratulations to Mary for having healthy relationships. Lucy doesn't care about all this; she just wants to know which guy to pick. Then she rubs Mary's nose in the fact that she has two guys to choose from, unlike Mary, who has zero. Then she walks out looking all snotty. Then she walks back in and tells us she forgot where she was going. Mary laughs at her. I don't.
Rod is standing in front of a mirror with shaving cream and a razor. I am more excited than I really should be at the prospect of no longer seeing his awful moustache.
Jimmy is looking blankly at a bottle of purple hair dye.
RevCam walks into his bedroom, turns the light off, and stubs his toe like a loser. Then he carries on about it like an even bigger one. Annie turns on a light, and RevCam sits in bed holding his stupid toe. He apologizes and says he'll be buried wherever she wants. Annie says it's fine with her if he wants to be buried with his family. Eric asks her why it's fine with her all of a sudden. Annie starts to cry as she says that she's changed her mind. Annie asks Eric if he said anything to her dad about his toupee. He says no, and she says she'll talk to him later. They kiss, and Annie cries some more about missing her mother. Every time Annie cries about her mother, it sends me on a guilt trip about not calling my mom enough. I call her during the commercial break.
After my mother assures me that she doesn't have any terminal illnesses, I return to the show. It's the morning at the Camden house. Annie and Anniedad talk about Anniemom for a while. Annie asks if she can ask Anniedad something about the toupee, and he gets all pissy about calling it a "hairpiece." It's made out of natural human hair -- as opposed to the unnatural kind, I guess. Annie asks if Ginger likes it. Anniedad says no, and that Ginger can take a hike if she doesn't want to run her hands through his nasty, nasty, fake natural hair. He says that Anniemom would have loved the new hair. Annie says maybe. I say that no woman would like it ever, not even those "younger girls." Annie asks if Anniedad got the toupee to scare Ginger away. He says "maybe," then "could be," then "yes." Annie just sits there with the usual nasty glare on her face. Anniedad rips off the toupee. Annie gets up to hug her father as the Guitar of Solving Problems plays. Annie asks about the burial plots. He says they came before the toupee, and he got them to show Ginger that he didn't want to marry her so she would dump him. Anniedad is an asshole. The whole time he is telling Annie this, she is removing the toupee tape from his head. The way she does so reminds me of gorillas in the zoo that eat bugs off of each other. Then she strokes his head, which is something I would never do to my father. Anyway, instead of dumping Anniedad, Ginger just said she wanted to be buried with her first husband too. Anniedad then bought the toupee, and then Ginger dumped him. Annie says that Anniedad should be happy, and he will live longer if he is. Then she cries again. This woman is so depressed. She tells Anniedad to call Ginger when he gets home, and he agrees. Happy grabs the toupee and lies down to it. I guess that's symbolic.
Simon and Ruthie are in the bathroom, staring at the flushing toilet. They walk out, and RevCam spots them. He asks what's in the box they're carrying. Simon says that it was two lizards. Ruthie says they flushed the last one, but not to worry because they said a prayer first. I would worry that the toilet wouldn't be able to handle a large dead lizard and would clog. Ruthie and Simon explain that Lester ate Lizzie and then died. As nasty as that sounds, something similar happened to my lizard. RevCam responds to all this with a rather girly "ewww" and his best Robert Wagner impression. Then he walks away. Ruthie and Simon shrug. I'm just glad that the stupid lizard subplot is finally over.
RevCam walks into the kitchen and tells Annie to move it to the counseling session. Annie says that she talked to her dad, and everything is okay now. RevCam asks how she feels about Anniedad with Ginger. She says that she wants her dad to be happy, but she just needs some more time to get used to the idea of her dad with a girlfriend. She says that the Rev was right about Anniedad trying to drive Ginger away. I don't remember RevCam ever mentioning that. Then he asks about the plots. Annie says that they have plenty of time to think about it. Then a car drives into the kitchen, hitting RevCam and instantly killing him. Annie cries out that she should have made the decision about burial plots a little sooner. No, actually, they make out and the camera pans over to Lucy, who is listening to the whole thing. That's creepy.
At the church, Annie and RevCam walk through the door with their arms around each other. Inside the counseling room are all the couples, who are now all affectionate and stuff. Ugly asks how things are going with RevCam and Annie, because he is nosy. RevCam says that they've discussed their differences and have reached "an impasse." Ugly asks where they're being buried, because he's nosy and morbid and very possibly a lost Camden cousin. RevCam tells him not to start trouble. Then RevCam asks all the couples how they're all doing, and everyone is doing great. Do you care how? No, you don't.
Matt and Mary are walking down the high-school hall together, of course. People must think they're dating at this point. I hope Mary can be herself with her new boyfriend! They walk up to their sister, who is talking to Jimmy and Rod. The boys turn to the camera, and we see that Rod has shaved and Jimmy has a streak of purple in his hair. Lucy looks all surprised, as if she just noticed this, even though we saw her standing in front of them before. Lucy tells Jimmy that she isn't ready to be with him, but she likes the purple hair because it shows that Jimmy can take risks. Lucy tells Rod, who thinks that he's going to get a new girlfriend, that she wants to give him time to like her without Jimmy trying to get her too. And she wants to give herself a chance to figure out who she is and identity blah blah blah. Rod and Jimmy both look annoyed as Lucy tells them that she hopes they can all be friends. Then she leaves, with her brother and sister following behind her. Rod and Jimmy bitch about women.
Matt tells Lucy she handled herself great. Mary says she's proud of her. I don't think she handled that "great" at all; she kept two guys hanging for like three days. That's not really fair. Then Matt says that "[their] little Lucy is growing up" as he puts an arm around Mary and they walk away incestuously.