The pilot episode begins with a super-exciting view of the CamBoudoir in the morning. First we see their dresser, which has a bunch of crappy fake antique-like stuff on top of it. So, are you hooked on this show yet? How about if they treat you to a view of the charming French doors? No? Eventually, they get around to showing the CamBed, where RevCam is just waking up. And he's got a big smile on his face. I hope they're not going where I think they're going with that. Ugh -- I guess they are, since RevCam is reaching for Annie, and I think it's safe to say he's hoping for a little early-morning action. You'd think one look at her dreadful case of bedhead would be a total turn-off, but, amazingly, he's still interested. All right, CamRents, if you're really going to go ahead with this, at least you'll be responsible and send out a good message by using a condom, right? Right?
Fortunately, they've got an even better form of birth control, as Ruthie and her Shirley Temple 'do walk into the room. Nothing better than a reminder of past mistakes to keep you from making future ones, you know? Ruthie jumps into bed and wants to know what everyone's doing. Annie says they were "just getting up." Please, I really can do without an update on what's happening with the old CamSchlong.
to arrive is Simon. His hair actually looks half-decent, but there are plenty more seasons for that to change. Simon is hungry, and apparently he's too stupid to figure out how to fix himself a bowl of cereal, so he's come whining to his mother to be fed. At least when pets do that, they're cute. And they can be forgiven because they don't have opposable thumbs.
With the arrival of Lucy, I realize what's happening here. It's time to introduce all the CamKids, from youngest to oldest. Well, isn't that darling? The only thing missing is little signs around their necks to tell us who everyone is. I'm a little surprised that the CamRents don't at least say each child's name in a contrived fashion as he or she walks in. Before Lucy's even in the room, she perkily asks, "Hey, what's going on?" Her puffy bangs remind me of a particularly fake-looking Barbie doll I once had. After whining that she's hungry, Lucy plops herself on the bed with everyone else. When someone knocks at the bedroom door, she takes it upon herself to order the person to "come in," even though this isn't even her bedroom.
Who's in age? Ah, right -- that would be Mary. She says she was wondering where everyone was. Considering that her siblings have only been in the CamBoudoir for about thirty seconds, she must keep pretty close tabs on them all. It's obvious that she's already displaying an early aptitude for stalking. Good for you, Mary! You just keep up that achieving spirit, okay?
And that leaves Dopey. He walks into the room to wow me with his elaborate Shaun Cassidy hairdon't. Seriously, has this guy's hair ever looked good? Obviously, the seeds of his patriarchal attitude have been sown, since he's already ordering his siblings around, reminding them that Saturday is the day the CamRents sleep late. All the little siblings scurry off obediently while Dopey beams down indulgently at them. He doesn't even roll his eyes when Ruthie turns around and waves cutely while saying goodbye. Say, he's pretty good at this patriarchal stuff already, isn't he? When RevCam thanks him for getting rid of the kids, Dopey comes awfully close to smirking knowingly, but since Dopey is only sixteen or so in this episode, he can't possibly know about sex yet.
The opening credits show far too much hugging, kissing, and smiling, as well as a shot of the loathsome young Ruthie sloppily blowing a kiss at the camera. I also learn that Annie really wasn't experiencing bedhead earlier. No, her hair is always that awful. It's like a cross between Rex Smith and a poodle, and it is not flattering.
Quel horreur! The Opening Credits Timewaster starts off with Eric opening a bottle of wine. Hey, what kind of message is that supposed to be sending out? Everyone knows that drinking even half a glass of an alcoholic beverage is enough to send you on a downward spiral to Buffalo. Annie is wielding a scary-looking chef's knife -- and using it completely ineptly. She's gonna lose a finger if she's not careful. I'm not sure how anyone who's been preparing meals for twenty years or so could be so incompetent with a knife, but Annie is making me cringe here. Thankfully, she puts the knife down when RevCam pours out two glasses of wine. She looks over at him lustfully while Roy Orbison's "You Got It" plays in the background. Apparently what Annie wants is to clink glasses with RevCam in an extremely dorky and contrived manner and then gaze dreamily into his eyes. Hey, to each her own. She dances out of the kitchen with a basket of bread, completely missing every beat of the song. RevCam shuts off the music and follows.
Whoa, that is one ugly decorating scheme the CamRents have in their dining room. I keep expecting Belle Watling and her girls to show up and join the party. Simon is anxious to say the blessing. Annie wants to know why he's in such a hurry, and asks him if he has a date. Ew. Dopey says he hopes not, since he needs the car. Yeah, well, isn't Simon about five years too young to drive anyway? When Simon finally gets around to saying the blessing, he gives a cursory thank you for the food and then launches into his real agenda: "And if there really is a God, God, I know you'll find a way to get me that dog I want. Amen." Everyone laughs as though that were a really cute thing to say. Dopey informs the CamFam that he has a date. Mary uses that as an excuse to start whining about how unfair it is that the CamRents won't let her go out with older guys. Simon pipes up to tell us that "'dog' is 'God' spelled backwards." That's actually pretty funny, and it does remind me of this theory I've been harboring for a while. If I played tapes of 7th Heaven backwards, would I hear some demonic messages from Brenda, in which she advocates stalking one's family members and tells women that they're inferior to men? Come to think of it, I don't even have to play the tapes backwards to hear that. RevCam tells Lucy she's "looking awfully grown-up these days," which causes her to throw a hissyfit and storm off to her room. Hee hee. Wacky, nonsensical Camdens.
After dinner, back in the CamKitchen, we see RevCam walking around with a dishtowel on his shoulder while, off-camera, Annie shouts out, "Ouch! Darn it!" I immediately assume she finally lopped off a finger with the chef's knife, but no -- now she's trying unskillfully to fix the kitchen sink. RevCam tells her she's looking beautiful. She modestly demurs, saying she has grease on her face. It's true -- there's a small smudge of something that looks like eye shadow placed strategically across her cheek so she'll look cute. At least it draws attention away from her hair. She and RevCam make out for a while, and I'm shocked to see that there's actually some open-mouthed kissing involved. While it's certainly not the most erotic scene ever, it's still way better than their passionless, closed-mouthed kisses from later seasons. They both stick their heads under the sink and make out some more -- mm, romantic! -- until Simon walks up and spoils the mood by saying, "You know, a dog is a lot less trouble than a baby." Wow, now I think I know why Simon's dialogue has always been so crappy in seasons four through six: There must be a finite number of funny lines he's allowed to utter during his run on this show -- WB policy, you know -- and apparently Simon used up all of his in the pilot episode.
Upstairs, Ruthie is shuffling around in a pair of oversized slippers with some sort of animal heads on them. I can't see what kind of animals they are, so I'm just going to assume they're wild boars. She sees Lucy doing a headstand; understandably, she wants to know why. Lucy says she is "becoming a woman." Mary told her that doing a headstand would help. Makes sense, right? RevCam ambles by and wants to know what Lucy's doing. Lucy freaks out and runs away to the bathroom, crying. I know it's not very fair to pick on child actors, but this is some of the worst scenery-chewing I've ever seen.
After learning from Ruthie that Lucy is "becoming a woman," RevCam knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Remember me? The guy who bought you anatomically correct dolls by mistake? We've got a history of embarrassing stuff together...not that there's anything to be embarrassed about. By the way, did you start your period yet?" Aw, that's kind of cute -- yet ever so slightly creepy at the same time. I can't blame Lucy for throwing something at the bathroom door and shouting at him to leave. As he's turning to go, he spies Ruthie doing a headstand. He leaves, muttering something to himself.
Simon wants a dog, in case you hadn't figured that out already. He tries to convince Annie to get him one, but she won't.
Mary is wandering around with a basketball while Dopey takes a few puffs off a cigarette. At the time of this episode, of course, Barry Watson was well over the legal age to buy cigarettes in all four states of the union that the Camdens recognize, but I can't say much for his smoking technique. I'm also not too impressed by his suggestion that a blast of Binaca will keep the CamRents from guessing that he's been lighting up. Some of the smoke scent is bound to cling to his lustrous mane of rocker hair. He guesses that Mary wants to talk to him about "a guy." He's close, since Mary says she doesn't have a specific guy in mind, but she does want to talk about kissing. She claims that if she could just kiss a guy, she'd be able to stop thinking about it and would be better able to concentrate on her basketball game. That's an interesting rationalization. Her big problem is that she's taller than all the guys in her class, and she thinks it's weird to kiss a guy shorter than her. Speaking as someone who's fairly tall and has long had a thing for shorter guys, I just have to roll my eyes and tell her to get over herself. As far as the mechanics of kissing go, Mary says, "I don't know where my hands go, or his hands or my face or his face or his lips and my lips, and I don't want it to be awkward." Whew! It couldn't get much more awkward than that sentence -- or this scene, for that matter. Actually, I was wrong. This scene is about to get way more awkward. That would be because Mary is asking her brother to kiss her so she will have some experience. That's right -- she wants to make out with Dopey. And he's her brother. And she wants to make out with him. Dopey's a little taken aback. I mean, wouldn't you be? What's Mary going to do when it comes time for her to learn about sex? Matt should just get a magic marker and draw a face on her basketball and tell her to make out with that.
Back in the CamPound, Annie is blithely informing Eric that her parents are "dropping by." RevCam looks a little perplexed as he questions, "Dropping by? From Arizona?" Hey, at least back in the early episodes, someone recognized that average people don't just buy last-minute tickets and hop on a plane. I'm sorry, they don't. Annie leaves, and RevCam has an exceedingly dull conversation with Simon about why he can't have a dog. It turns out Simon has killed off a whole whack of pets over the past six months, including an ant farm, a couple of goldfish, and some Sea Monkeys. I know back in the fifties you could order a regular monkey or a burro as a "pet" from the back of a magazine. Revolting but true. But in this day and age, does anyone even sell Sea Monkeys anymore? ["Why, yes they do." -- Sars] Simon asks his father what would happen if a homeless dog just wandered into their yard. He argues that taking that dog in would give it a better chance than surviving on the streets. I think that's debatable, but RevCam agrees anyway, adding that Simon is not allowed to go looking for a dog or to "trick" one into coming to the yard. He didn't say anything about prayer, though, and after he leaves, Simon prays for God to send a dog into the yard. Evincing great confidence in the Lord's powers, he says, "I know that You can do this." After flattery like that, how can God refuse?
Over at Incest Fest '96, Mary is still trying to get Dopey to give her a kissing lesson. Okay, but shouldn't they be doing this on the living room couch? And maybe Lucy and Simon can make out on another couch? And maybe the rest of the family can watch them? If they're gonna do this, they should at least do it in proper Camden fashion. At least now Mary's claiming that she's not really going to kiss her brother; she just wants him to show her things like whether she's supposed to touch her victim's face while kissing. Dopey says that it's the man who should touch her face, but he's not a hundred percent sure about that. Hmm, maybe his patriarchal attitude isn't as highly developed as I'd thought. Mary tells Dopey to stand still while she closes her eyes and puckers up. We never get to see where this leads, thank God, since RevCam walks by and breaks the mood. Dopey tries to tell him that "this isn't what it looks like." RevCam replies, "That's a relief," but he doesn't look overly squicked out by it. And he doesn't even stay to watch!
Annie goes looking for Lucy to comfort her. She finds the girl hiding in the closet. Heh. No, literally -- Lucy is sitting in her closet. Simon is nowhere to be seen. Lucy wants to get her period because all her friends have already started getting theirs. Trust me, Lucy, when you've had to throw away mucho bucks on overpriced tampons for years, you might not be so thrilled. Lucy wonders if she's a freak because "it" hasn't arrived yet. Well, everyone knows Lucy is a freak, but I wouldn't say it's because of that. When Annie tries to reassure her that she will start her period, Lucy asks, "What if I don't?" Hey, Lucy, cheer up. At least then you won't have to spend your entire adult life popping out kid after kid, like your poor mother's doing. Annie tries to quote some Ecclesiastes at her -- or maybe it's the Byrds -- but she messes it up in any case. Needless to say, Lucy is not overly cheered to hear that "to everything there is a season."
Down at the pool hall, RevCam has roped Dopey into playing pool with him. Over dinner, he'd promised the Dopester that they would "talk," though he did offer his son the chance to avoid that nasty situation by challenging him to a game of pool. If Dopey wins, there will be no talk. Unfortunately for Matt, RevCam wins the game. I wonder what would have happened if it had really been RevCam playing the game instead of a double. The only shot I see Stephen Collins actually sink is so easy that even I could do it after numerous half-beers. And I suck at pool.
Maybe if RevCam had challenged Dopey to a game of pocket pool, the hateful conversation would not have to ensue, but it's too late for that now. Eric says he's seen Dopey smoking. He doesn't want Matt to pay for cigarettes out of the allowance he gives him, so he makes him fork over twenty bucks, leaving Dopey broke for his date. Boo-hoo. When Dopey whines about not having any money, RevCam uses the opportunity to harangue him about not having a job. He's nice enough to say he's found Matt one, though he doesn't say what it is. It's kind of weird that Dopey doesn't even ask about it. I mean, what if it's a job picking up after the neighborhood dogs or something? Eric decides to push his luck by asking about Dopey's hair. Matt is quick to head him off at the pass, saying that he refuses to cut his hair. RevCam does a quick save and pretends that Dopey's hair looks really good. That's obviously not true, but at least his hair is clean here.
Aw, it's Sunday, and that means it's time for our first sermon from RevCam. He decides to read from Ecclesiastes, which causes Lucy to freak out yet again as she bolts from the church. Man, she sure is a fragile little thing, isn't she? Annie follows her daughter outside, smiling fakely at various parishioners as she goes.
, we see Annie talking to RevCam after church, explaining why Lucy is upset. She says, "I used the same passage to comfort her about not getting her period. She thought you were about to tell the whole church." Ha! If only he had. That may be too evil to wish even on a fictional television character, but it would have been hilarious. Eric's much too sensitive for that, though. He waxes lyrical about how special menstruation is -- which makes it pretty obvious that he's never had to experience cramps before. When RevCam wonders why Mary was never uptight like this, Annie points out that Lucy is way more sensitive than Mary ever was -- no argument there -- and that, unlike Mary, Lucy probably won't ever ask RevCam to "run out to the drugstore and pick up a big blue box of slender regulars." Eric replies, "Hey, don't take away my dreams." Heh. All jokes aside, it's really pretty cool that they're trying to present menstruation in a positive light here. Frankly, that's way more than I ever would have expected from Brenda.
Lucy is lying on her bed, swearing that she's "never gonna show [her] face in public again." Good idea, Lucy -- at least until you do something about those ugly, puffy bangs. Lucy mentions that a woman used to own the CamPound, and when she died, she left it to the church. Lucy wonders if the woman was insane, and if she is now being possessed by that woman's spirit. I doubt that, but that could explain a hell of a lot about Psycho Annie from season six. Menopause, my ass. To get back to the present, Mary suggests that Lucy has PMS, which cheers the girl up so much that she agrees to go jogging with Mary. Lucy suggests that she bring along some sort of feminine hygiene product, even though, as Mary points out, they'll never be more than "two minutes from the house." Mary humors her and gets a tampon from her dresser. Why doesn't she keep them in the bathroom like everyone else? I'm assuming she won't be inserting them while in the bedroom. Dumb-ass. I'm also wondering how Lucy would know how to go about inserting one if she's never used them before. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, but it is a little complicated the first time. Maybe Mary can just give her a lesson right there on the sidewalk. Sorry, I'm not trying to be vulgar (well, not any more than usual), but this storyline is starting to work my nerves hard.
Ruthie delivers some lines to RevCam that a writer mistakenly thought would be adorable; then Simon does the same. Okay, maybe we could just get back to Lucy's storyline after all.
Mary and Lucy are jogging when they come across Jeff, a hunky friend of Dopey's for whom Mary is obviously hot. Jeff says he didn't know Lucy liked to run. Lucy looks like a startled deer for a second -- or at least what a startled deer would look like if it had dreadful puffy bangs -- but she does a quick save and says she likes to run. She also starts stretching in this weird half-squat, making me think Mary's going to have to tell her that they're not having the tampon-insertion lesson until after she talks to Jeff. Mary's just asking Jeff to come over and help her practice her foul shot when Lucy accidentally pulls the tampon out of her shorts pocket. Jeff is about to reach down and pick it up, but then he realizes what it is and hesitates. As I'm sure you can guess, this causes Lucy to massively freak out and run away. Mary's unfazed, though, and in a rare moment of self-possession, she picks up the tampon and calmly asks Jeff if he's coming over later. He smiles winsomely and agrees.
Uh-oh -- it looks like we're going to see another cutesy scene with Simon, Ruthie, and RevCam. I dread that so much that I'm actually grateful when Dopey interrupts. He's on his way to his new job, which RevCam finally explains to him. He'll be helping a parishioner, Mrs. Bink, with some errands, and in return, Dopey gets to drive her old Mustang. While Eric's explaining all this, Dopey grabs a carton of milk and starts drinking from it. RevCam grabs it from him and empties the rest of the milk into a glass, which he hands to Dopey. After Dopey downs that, he casually walks over to the fridge and starts drinking from a fresh carton of milk. Honestly, you have to wonder how his parents ever got him toilet-trained. Matt suggests that the CamRents need to have a little chat with Mary about "men and women and stuff." I can only hope that convo takes place off-camera.
Mary has caught up with Lucy and cheered her up somewhat, even though the younger girl is still embarrassed about the tampon incident. Mary changes the subject and starts talking about how cute Jeff is. Lucy says he's not her type; she prefers Prince Charles. Hey, at least Prince Charles isn't embarrassed by talking about tampons, so there's something.
Even though he should be heading off to his job by now, Dopey has something more important to do. That's right -- he has to share his opinion with his parents on whether Mary should be allowed to date or not. He and RevCam come down firmly on the "no" side, while Annie disagrees. When Dopey starts to get agitated that she's expressing an opinion that differs from his, she cuts the conversation short, offering to drop him off at Mrs. Bink's. She reminds him that her parents are coming to visit tonight, so she wants him home for dinner. He says that's no problem, since he likes his grandparents. RevCam wants to know why all the kids love Annie's parents better than his. Hey, Eric, I don't! The Colonel grates my nerves sometimes, but he and his wife together are fabulously snarky towards you and your irritating family.
Simon treats Ruthie like a dog, getting her to sit and bark. It's really not as kinky as it sounds.
Just as Dopey's heading out the door, Jeff comes by to tell him that he'll be visiting with Mary this evening. Dopey tells him he can't. I guess Matt's forgetting that, in the CamVerse, having a penis only gives you carte blanche to boss females around, not other guys. Lucy and Mary choose this moment to arrive back at the house. Bet you can't guess what Lucy does when she sees Jeff. That's right -- she runs off crying. I've lost count of how many times she's done this during the episode, but it still cracks me up every time. As Mary walks by, Dopey loudly says that Jeff is busy tonight. Jeff looks confused as he says, "I am?" Mary glares at Dopey as she walks toward the house, and tells him to mind his own business.
She goes into the living room and sees RevCam reading the paper. She asks if she can have part of the paper. What she could want it for is beyond me, since this is the girl who, five years later, doesn't even know what PBS is. Maybe she just wants to make fun paper hats to cheer Lucy up some more. RevCam tells Mary that he and Annie have decided that it's okay for her to date guys who are a year or two older than her. You'd think this would make her happy, but instead she just says she hates Matt. Then she takes a page out of Lucy's book and storms off. RevCam's bewildered. Me too.
Annie drops Dopey off at Mrs. Bink's and drives away. Matt lopes up to the front door and knocks. He gives Mrs. Bink literally two and a half seconds to open the door before he starts impatiently knocking some more. Give the poor woman a break, Dopey. There's no way she could make it to the door in that time unless she were standing two feet away from it. When she does open the door, Dopey is taken aback to see that she's toting around an oxygen machine and breathing through an oxygen mask. She takes it off long enough to belligerently ask why he's taken so long to get there. Then she goes into a prolonged coughing fit. If you ask me, it's kind of rude of Dopey to keep staring at her, but maybe he's mistaken the oxygen machine for a vacuum cleaner or something.
After a commercial break, Dopey has recovered himself sufficiently to enter Mrs. Bink's house. She's still coughing away as she asks him to help find her cigarettes. Dopey stands around looking foolish, as he asks, "Did you say you lost a lung?" He's plenty freaked now, and when she asks him for one of his cigarettes, he doesn't know what to say. We see him driving Mrs. Bink around while she keeps asking him to stop for smokes. When he refuses, she calls him a hypocrite.
Back in the CamPound, Mary is sitting outside the bathroom door. Ruthie walks up. When Ruthie asks, "What are you doing?" Mary shushes her. What is she doing anyway? Listening to someone take a leak? Suddenly, Lucy shouts out, "Yes!" Oh, I know we'll all want to celebrate the joyous day that Lucy got her period. At least, Mary and Ruthie do. They're all holding hands and jumping up and down joyfully in the hallway, even though Ruthie doesn't really know what's going on. She'll understand it all much better in a few years -- say, during the third or fourth anniversary celebration of Lucy's first period.
When RevCam comes along, Mary wants Lucy to "tell him." She gives her sister a rough shove toward RevCam; Lucy almost stumbles and falls, which makes me laugh. When she's recovered her balance, she just stands in front of RevCam shyly, while he stares at her ugly butterfly t-shirt. I wonder if there's supposed to be some stupid symbolism about Lucy leaving the cocoon and turning into a butterfly. Nah, it's probably just another fashion mistake on the part of the wardrobe crew. Finally, Eric says, "Let me just ask -- are congratulations in order here?" Lucy nods, so RevCam congratulates her, which is actually pretty sweet. He goes from sweet to annoying, though, when he suggests that Lucy go out to dinner with Annie and Mary to celebrate. Great idea! Maybe they can have the waitress take their picture while they explain to her what they're celebrating. If they're lucky, Lucy might even score a free dessert out of it. I'm sure the women will go to one of those chain restaurants where all the servers gather round and sing a happy clapping song when it's your birthday. All they have to do here is alter the words a bit, and everyone in the restaurant will be able to share in the happy occasion of Lucy's first period. Lucy totally makes RevCam's day when she asks him to go to the drugstore for her. Considering that if you ask my dad to go to the store and pick up a cabbage, he'll probably come back with an iceberg lettuce, I'm not sure how Lucy expects Eric to get her anything even approximating what she needs. Let's wish him luck on his mission anyway.
RevCam continues on to the attic, where Simon is sitting in front of a window with a pair of binoculars. Considering future stalking plots, this is either funny or very, very frightening. I vote for funny, especially when RevCam tries to distract him by asking if he wants to go get ice cream -- the sixth-season Camden code phrase for stalking. There's some boring chitchat about how Simon really, really wants a dog to wander into the yard, but I stopped caring about that -- well, pretty much the first time Simon mentioned it.
Mary's in the bathroom, getting all prettied up for her date with Jeff, when Dopey knocks on the door. He tries to tell her that she can't date his friends. To her credit, Mary basically tells him to blow it out his shorts. My favorite part is when she shoves him. Hard. ["And can I just ask why Dopey wouldn't rather have one of his friends take care of Mary-kissing duty so that he doesn't get stuck with it? Duh, Dopester." -- Sars]
The phone rings, distracting RevCam from his delightful Robert Frost book. Mrs. Bink is calling to tell him that his plan to scare Dopey has worked. In the background, a delivery is carting away the oxygen machine, and Mrs. Bink's cough has magically disappeared. So, the whole thing was a set-up to frighten Dopey out of smoking. Too bad there will never be another plot as clever on this show again. ["Mrs. Bink, however, does get a return engagement. Eileen Brennan was such a foxy bad-ass in The Sting; it's sad to see her reduced to guest shots on 7H. Anyway." -- Sars]
RevCam tries to get back into his lovely Robert Frost book, but before it can put him to sleep, he hears barking outside. As he rushes down the stairs, Annie rushes toward him. She's anxious to explain that she went to the pound, but she "was just going to look." RevCam points out that the pound is not a good place just to look. For once, he's absolutely right about something.
Simon finally notices that there is a dog in his yard. He rushes downstairs screaming about miracles and how now he knows there really is a God. Annie tries to explain that this dog is only here on a trial basis, but you can tell from RevCam's facial expression that he knows he's beaten.
He doesn't take losing very well, as we can tell later when he's trying to get Annie to talk to him in the kitchen. She's all chipper and Betty Crocker-ish while frosting a chocolate cake. Annie asks him if he's angry, and RevCam replies, "No, not really 'angry.' I wouldn't say 'angry.'" There is a genuinely funny moment when he angrily hacks apart a pea pod with a paring knife while saying this. Annie informs him that the dog was scheduled to be put to sleep in twenty-four hours. Now RevCam knows he's really beaten, so he might as well just accept it gracefully. He does a fairly good job of it, though he's a little too passive-aggressive for my taste.
There is a knock at the door, and both Dopey and Mary race to answer it. Mary gets there first and is thrilled to see Jeff. Dopey is not so happy; I can't say I care one way or another. Jeff has brought Mary the romantic offering of a basketball. She accepts it happily and trots off to shoot baskets. When Jeff asks Dopey if he'll be joining them, Matt tells him not to do something stupid and slams the door in his face. The irony of Dopey telling someone else not to do anything stupid is certainly not lost on me.
RevCam walks in, and Dopey tells him about Jeff and Mary before stomping off. Maybe he just doesn't want to hear Annie's annoying tuneless whistling. RevCam shares the news about Mary and Jeff with his wife, and he seems disappointed when she takes it all in stride, stating that, at sixteen, Jeff is only two years older than Mary. Eric tries to argue that Jeff is "an old sixteen," but since we already saw that he's scared to pick up a tampon off the ground, I'm not sure that argument washes with me.
Outside, Jeff does a crappy Harlem Globetrotters impersonation while Mary stands around looking impressed. It's too bad I can't say the same thing for myself. When he passes Mary the ball, she tries to wow him, twirling it on her index finger. She even does a decent job of making a foul shot. I must say, I'm surprised. I never imagined that Jessica Biel actually had any talents. Mary challenges Jeff to a game of one-on-one.
Dopey watches from inside the house. That's right: The trademark Camden spying was present right from the very first episode. And lo and behold -- here comes RevCam to join in the fun. Big surprise there.
Upstairs, Simon is giving his new dog the grand tour. She looks notably underwhelmed. Ruthie has obviously set her cuteness level to eleven as she comes in and asks if the dog knows any tricks. She helpfully offers to show him her own tricks, which consist of sitting, barking, lying down, and rolling over. Golly, with talents like that, I can see great things in Ruthie's future. The dog -- who hasn't been given a name yet -- demonstrates an ability to do the very same tricks. While that's somewhat impressive in a dog, I can't work up too much admiration for Ruthie, no matter how much she asks for it.
After Jeff leaves, Dopey perkily asks Mary how her date went. She says, "Shut up. I saw you watching us," which makes me laugh. He pretends he's being nice by telling her he doesn't want her to get hurt by Jeff, but you know the real reason is that he just wants to control her. Hey, who knows? Maybe he's even regretting that he didn't take her up on her earlier offer to make out with him. He makes her promise not to kiss Jeff for at least thirty days. That's so annoying, especially when he says that after the thirty-day period, he will re-evaluate whether or not she will be allowed to kiss Jeff. Maybe he should take this time to "re-evaluate" some things about himself -- like whether he really needs to have his head so far up his ass.
In the CamKitchen, Annie is putting a tray of cookies into the oven, only she can't even do that right. The blobs of cookie dough on the tray are so huge that by the time they melt in the oven, this is going to be one gigantic, rectangular cookie. Despite that, RevCam hugs her and thanks her for cooking for the family "nearly every night of the week." I almost fall off my chair when I hear Annie say, "Will you stop -- I am not going to have sex with you while my parents are here." I have to rewind the tape a couple times because I can't believe they're actually using the s-word, and not some crappy euphemism like "adult relations." I can't believe this show became more conservative as time went on. Annie and Eric gossip a bit about Mary and Jeff, but they're interrupted by Lucy, who comes down and beamingly reminds RevCam not to forget to pick up her feminine hygiene products. Can't she just borrow something from Mary or Annie? At least this gives us the opportunity to hear RevCam use the word "tampons." And he actually says the word "tampons," not changing it to "womanly things" or something.
After dinner, there's some scintillating conversation about how bad the speakers are in the Camden station wagon. When Annie's mom, June, offers to buy a new CD player for the CamWagon, Annie laughs and says, "Mom, it can wait." June replies, "Sure it can. But why not do it now." And she's not laughing. She and Annie stare into each other's eyes silently for about ten minutes so that we will all be able to guess that June is going to die soon. Despite how obvious that fact may be to everyone else, Matt doesn't have a clue. Annie sends him off to check on the other kids, leaving her and RevCam alone with her parents. June announces that she has acute leukemia, and that there is very little hope for survival. She's not going to seek much treatment for her condition, since she'd rather spend her last days with her family instead of in a hospital. I might care more if I hadn't just met this character two minutes ago, but it's a sad scene anyway, and everyone does a good job with it.
Outside, we learn that Ruthie has named the dog Happy. Dopey sends her to the kitchen to get Happy a cookie. Way to make your dog fat, loser. When Ruthie leaves, Dopey asks Simon if he can keep a secret. I have my doubts, but Simon says he can. Matt tells him that Happy is going to have puppies. Why, Dopey's not even an orderly yet! How could he know? Happy licks Simon's face obsessively. I hope someone's remembered to de-worm her. On second thought, I really hope nothing of the sort.
While the CamRents and Annie's parents sit in the dining room, seriously bummed out, the kids frolic merrily in the yard. Then they all flop down in a big pile and start gatoring. At least that's what I think they're doing -- it's hard to tell since this entire episode seems to have been filmed with a smear of Vaseline and an old t-shirt over the camera lens. The adults come out to laugh at the antics of the kids. It's a pretty poignant moment -- as long as you hit the mute button on your TV to drown out the soaring, tuneless background "music." And if you try not to think about the fact that this pilot episode is the best the show will ever be.