It's time to meet, Kyle, age twenty-two. He is originally from Lake Bluff, Illinois, and is now a senior at Princeton. We see a lot of footage of Kyle doing jock-type activities as he tells us that a lot of people think he's cocky before they meet him, but really he's a nice guy. Kyle also uses the phrase "wax my own car," which won points with me for originality. On his audition tape, Kyle dances like *NSYNC. Oh, no. That just brings up New Orleans Matt for me. Kyle claims that he hasn't hooked up with many girls, or had one-night stands, and he feels like he's missing out. Mike gives Kyle an eight, and makes a stupid joke about sex. Coral gives him a seven because he's "an educated man," although she doesn't know how he expects to hook up when he does that dance. Coral is cracking me up.
Kerri, age twenty-two, is from New Orleans, and has been drinking since she was fifteen. Or maybe thirteen. And this is impressive how, exactly? Kerri also never goes to bed at the same time, and sometimes she doesn't even sleep. Oh my God! Call the police! Send out the men with the butterfly nets! She's both criminal and insane! Not sleeping? Unheard of! I hate her. She's dating five different men, but she claims that she doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. Kerri thinks that she hides her sensitive side. See, she's got sad fucking clown syndrome, so she's a perfect cast member. Mike gives her a nine and makes a stupid (not to mention out of date) Austin Powers joke. Coral gives Kerri an eight, because she would be fun to go out with.
Chris is twenty-four years old, and he's gay. Apparently, that's the most important thing about him, because it's the first thing we learn. Chris is super-cute. His mother outed him to the family at Thanksgiving dinner. Before he told his mom about his sexual orientation, he turned to drugs as a way of escaping, but now he's sober. And he likes to play pool. Mike gives Chris a six, for reasons too stupid to repeat. Coral gives Chris an eight because he's been through a lot, and thus should be interesting. True. He also might be too mature to hang out with this crowd. I'm sure that I'm going to regret committing that opinion to print. And now we've met all of the roommates. So is it over?
Yeah, hardly. Mike and Coral welcome us back. Whereas before, they were merely sitting side by side, now Mike has his hand on Coral's leg, and she has her hand on his arm. What's up with that? Anyway, they have some guidelines for the new roommates to follow to be the perfect roommate. Mike introduces Rule #10 by saying that while hygiene is important, it's a solo activity. Coral reads the rule: "Shower alone. Can't you do anything by yourself?" Then we see a clip of Mike asking Rachel if she wants to shower with him, and lots of footage of the infamous Miami shower threesome. I miss Sarah. They also didn't show the part where Flora broke the window, which was the funniest thing from that season. Except maybe when Joe had to put sugar on the dog's penis. Coral says that she's sure the Chicago cast will avoid making that mistake, and of course we cut to footage of the Chicago cast showering together. I'm not sure if it was one occasion or multiple occasions, but there were up to four people in the shower at once. Interesting.
The rule is about proper attire. Coral reads Rule #6: "Do us all a favor and keep your clothes on!" Amen, sister. Of course, we start off with Teck and Ruthie jumping naked into the swimming pool in Hawaii. Then, we see Mike skinny-dipping in Miami. In New Orleans, Melissa delivers her classic confessional about having "a Mormon on the left and a naked gay man on the right. What am I supposed to do with that?" I miss Melissa. She could always be counted on to give good quotes. Coral tells us that she saw Adam's penis in Morocco. And in Chicago, Aneesa thinks that clothing is optional. That's one good thing about filming in a northern city in the winter -- there was not a lot of nudity in the last season. And thank God. Mike tells Coral that he doesn't agree with this rule, because he likes to see naked women. Coral laughs and tells Mike to shut up, but nicely. What is going on between these two?
When we return from the break, Mike is doing The Miz. I refuse to recap anything he says. If he made up his own wrestling persona, I might find it amusing, but he just does a bad Rock impersonation, and it's annoying. He reverts to his regular voice to say that romantic involvement between roommates is frowned upon. Coral reads Rule #5: "No hooking up with your roommates. Somebody always ends up crying." Of course, the first footage shown is Colin and Amaya. I have to imagine that they both cringe when they watch this now. I mean, I cringed when I watched it then, but it only gets worse with age. Kind of like cheese. Unless it's that super-fancy cheese that is supposed to be old. You know what I mean. Anyway. In San Francisco, Rachel says that she regrets kissing Puck. During the Tenth Anniversary Special, Sean and Rachel discuss how their daughter would think it was gross that Rachel dated Uncle Puck. Man, I feel bad for that kid. In New Orleans, Julie tries (and tries, and tries) to kiss Matt, and then she really does kiss Jamie. Actually, there was a lot of kissing in New Orleans. And then in New York, Lori and Kevin kiss, and then Kevin disses her. Hard. In Chicago, apparently they all think that the other roommates are hot.