By M. Giant
Okay, you guys need to know that I had my eyes checked today, and my pupils are still dilated. Everything is all distorted and out of focus for me. Yes, it makes it harder to type, but I'm hoping that seeing the world the way a Big Brother contestant sees it will actually be an advantage for this weecap.
So it's been a full two weeks since the last actual eviction, which means we've been watching the same nine idiots this whole time. I'm looking forward to having one less to deal with after tonight. You hear me, Julie? Don't go pulling any fast ones.
Wow, my eyes are still more screwed up than I thought -- no, wait, that's really Julie's outfit. She welcomes us to Day 42, and brings us up to speed on the basics of the current situation: basically, everyone is equally full of shit.
Natalie DRs angrily about what a hypocrite James is, and it's hard to disagree with her. After the Veto ceremony, Natalie slides over to comfort Matt, but he wants to be alone to sulk. Natalie's crying too, after hanging on the disco ball for five hours for nothing. Ah, who among us hasn't been there?
Matt goes out to the yard to confront James one-on-one, and James sticks to his story that his motivation was that Matt and Natalie are playing as an alliance, even though Matt insists that the alliance is one-way. Matt even turns on the waterworks, claiming to hate himself for letting his mom down. At the time, James seems sympathetic, but he's pretty bitchy about Matt's pathetic-ness in the privacy of the DR.
Matt goes back inside, and Natalie tries to latch onto him again, and he pushes her away again. So he can cry some more.
Ryan gets assurances from Joshuah and Sheila that they'll vote to keep him. "When I make a decision, it's a decision," Sheila boasts to Ryan. It's looking like a 5-1- vote to ditch Matt, with Natalie the one, obviously.
Out by the pool table, Matt talks to Adam, who not only promises to vote to keep Matt, but also encourages him to campaign for himself. So Matt gets the genius idea of going after pity votes from the women in the house. Because Matt knows women, and knows that playing on their sympathies is how you get them to do what you want.
Surprisingly, his first target is Chelsia, to whom he whines that he's going to have spend his birthday in sequester. Chelsia DRs that Matt's pathetic, and it was all she could do to not laugh in his face. It's a similar situation with Sharon, and with Sheila. Matt starts getting frustrated at not getting anywhere.
The day, out in the yard, Matt appropriately wears his Simpatico por El Diablo T-shirt as he complains to those same three women that he's never done anything to any of them, whereas Ryan yelled at Chelsia, took $10,000 from Sheila in a PoV competition, backdoored Chelsia's partner James, and nominated Sharon for eviction. Sure enough, he's won over Sheila. Because when she makes a decision, it's a decision. Not the final decision, mind you, but a decision. That's three votes to keep Matt, with James as the tiebreaker.
So Sheila takes it upon herself to go up to the HoH room and make a case to James that Matt should stay. She relays Matt's whole case, adding that Ryan will be dangerous if he sticks around. She keeps hectoring him, asking him what he's going to do if it's a tie, but all James knows at this point is that he doesn't know.
What the fuck is this!?! Why are there Donatos on my screen, Julie? Goddammit. She says we'll be checking in with Evel Dick and Danielle later tonight. Oh, OK, I can look forward to skipping that.
Time for some DR sound bites about the nominees: Joshuah says that he's in a secret alliance with Ryan, who he thinks should stay. Adam feels like he can trust Matt, so that's how he's voting. And obviously Natalie wants Matt in the house, because without him she will be helpless on every imaginable level. Plus she's still got several days' worth of massages coming.
It's time for a viewscreen conversation, which Julie starts by calling out James for going back on his word. James admits it, and Natalie points out that James is a hypocrite. James just laughs, because it's not like anyone can do anything about it. At least not until there's a new HoH in about ten minutes. Julie addresses Adam, Ryan and Matt, and this is when they learn that the production is calling them "Bible Buddies," which cracks everyone up. Well, it's not like there hearing a lot of new jokes in there. I just heard one yesterday. This guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating." And the guy says, "Why?" And the doctor says, "Because I'm trying to do an examination!"
Julie moves on to the subject of the "mystery houseguest" from last week, and asks how many of them thought Allison would be the person in the box. Sheila, Josh, and Natalie raise their hands. So Julie plays them a clip from last week, letting them know that Alex was the one who would have come back. With James sitting right there. Julie asks if knowing that would have caused them to vote to boot James for good. Sheila, Ryan, Josh, and Natalie raise their hands. Julie notes that it would have been a tie. Yes, I believe I covered that in Sunday's weecap, how a sad, ill-conceived "twist" ended up fizzling because the producers tried to complicate things and ended up outsmarting themselves. Do keep up, Julie.
Outside, Matt tells Julie that he was "wrongfully accused." Julie asks Matt why he didn't try to campaign harder with James, and Matt says it wouldn't have done any good. She asks Matt how he really feels about Natalie, and he says they'll be friends for life, but there won't be a relationship between the two of them. Given Natalie's crazy-eyed routine over the last few weeks, I'm not sure how both of those statements can be true.
Time for the taped farewells. James lectures Matt about being a nice guy, but his "attitude comes off crappy sometimes." That DR camera is behind a mirror, isn't it? I don't know why I just thought of that. Sheila talks about his relationship with Natalie, and says she doesn't want to say goodbye. Drama queen. Ryan says he'll miss Matt, and thinks they had the strongest bond of anyone in the house. Natalie is still in denial, insisting that Matt might be her soulmate after all. Matt looks like he would run away from the monitor if he weren't too busy trying not to cry. To soften the blow, Julie tells him he'll be the first jury member, which doesn't seem to make him feel much better. He starts to get up to go, but she makes him stay put for some reason. Don't be sending him back in there, lady!
OK, he's gone when we get back from the ads. I guess she was just showing off her power. Anyway, it's time for the HoH competition. It's got a thoroughly irrelevant "medieval" theme that I'm not even going to bother trying to understand, let alone explain. The way the game will work is that houseguests will have to go up against each other one-on-one to try and answer questions about things said by evicted houseguests in the DR room. But she assures them that the quotes will be totally innocuous and not give away any house secrets. Well, sure, we'd hate for anything interesting to happen here.
Joshuah and Chelsia go up against each other first as the result of a random drawing. Joshuah buzzes in on the first question, but gets it wrong, so Chelsia gets to pick the pair to compete: Natalie and Sheila. The quote is an obvious reference to Allison and Sheila's faux-lesbian strategy of what seems like months ago, but Sheila just stands there like a moron and it's Natalie who gets it right. She is completely failing to have any kind of satisfactory breakdown here. Natalie picks Chelsia to go against Sharon. Sharon loses, and Chelsia pits Adam against Natalie. Adam buzzes in a half-second before Natalie, so she's out. The only remaining pair, Ryan and Chelsia, step up, and Chelsia wins the third round in a row. But in the final round Adam beats her, simply by buzzing in before the question is even finishes and making what looks like a wild guess. So Adam is HoH. So much for his low-profile strategy. We'll see how the hooded warrior fares when all eyes are on him.