A black SUV thinks energy conservation is for our kids' generation and oil dependence is ancillary to our policy abroad as it pulls into the driveway in front of Jessica's family's house. We learn from Jessica, "Today Jesse's going to be meeting my mom, Mary Lynn; both my brothers, Kyle and Tyler; my dad, Dan; and my grandparents, Nana and Bobo." Uh oh. Clown blood in the family. I wouldn't if I were you, Jesse. "My family is very protective," Jessica pines on. "I think that they might grill him a little." Sitting around the living room now, Jessica's parents grill Jesse a little bit. Wow. It's like she's known them all her life! The somewhat normal mother -- let's call her Mary Lynn on account of it's totally her name -- kicks things off, asking, "In football, do you get a choice of where you want to go? Like, if you want to come on the west coast...?" A leading question, sure, but one that's understandable from a mother who wants to keep her kids close to the nest. The question she's asking, in my estimation, is, "Do you have any choice as to what city you get sent to when you play in the NFL?" That's what you guys think too, right? Watchers of any sports draft will know that the answer to that question is, pretty much, no, but that shouldn't impede her right to ask it. Because I think the question Jesse hears is, "I've been told you're quite the tard, really, and I was hoping you would be able to quickly prove that to us?" And so here is Jesse's response: "Yeah! That's the thing. You kind of live in the city, y'know, where you play. So I got drafted out of Florida to New York City, and I absolutely love the city." So then, no. He had absolutely no choice where he went. But, speaking of this year's football draft, he can go pretty much anywhere he wants now, without all the pesky football holding him back from his dream. And not that I'm badmouthing it or anything? But I think the dude lives in New Jersey.
Jessica's mother brings up the idea of law school, and Jessica quips that she's going to drop out of school "to start working at the local dance club." Her mother doesn't even vaguely smirk, utterly cognizant of the fact that, as the mother of a titty blond girl living in Southern California, her daughter is really never that far from a life on the pole. Her mother continues on, asking whether Jessica has any plans to change law schools, and she responds with a sheepish "Maybe." You mean from a "fake" law school to a "real" one? Because the transfer rate between those two institutions is not, how do you say, very high. Perhaps sensing this, Mary Lynn kicks it to a confessional, where she lets us know, "I absolutely would like Jessica to finish law school. She's very ambitious, and I think she just needs to do this before she makes a commitment to get married." That sentence was spelled with a silent "especially to this guy" tacked on at the end.
Back in the living room, Jesse turns the tables, asking how they felt when Jessica informed them that she would be going on The Bachelor. Mary Lynn cops to having been "surprised," noting, "She was happily in law school," which I have to admit is starting to sounds more like "I was happy she was in law school." Mr. Mary Lynn -- whose pants are worn by not him -- pipes up now that he was "not in favor" of Jessica's decision to appear on the show, at first. He continues on in a non-sequitur kind of way, speeching, "I had a four-page questionnaire about 'Why You Should Date My Daughter.'" Eh? Jesse guffaws, "I'd love to fill it out," before the editing spares him the undoubtedly yelped follow-up, "But spelling is for scientists and fruits." But alas, Jessica's father could not find the document, having neglected to check his computer under the file path, "C:/My Documents/Patriarchal Assertiveness/The Girl/Adolescent Maturity Stunting/noboysinourhouse.doc." So, as an alternative, he was forced to recreate just one question of it, which he removes from his lapel pocket and hands as a love note to Jesse. Jesse opens it up and sounds it out, using his context clues and only slipping over a few elephant words along the way, so clearly the cameras were turned off for a significant amount of time: "Question: Will you respect our daughter, sister, and granddaughter? Answer: Don't tell us. Show us." Jesse's eyes radiate with terror, worrying that he just might not have the physical means to care for three separate people like the note seems to demand, and, in a confessional, he feels the magnitude of Jessica's family and their love for her, as he explains, "I think it's very easy to, kinda, talk the talk. But you have to be able to walk the walk. And show people how you feel." Yes. I think we can all get behind Jesse Palmer and his Sports Idioms Novelty Mug guide to wife hunting. Jesse asks to keep the note so he has something to see to In Touch when his football contract runs out in approximately...now. Jessica's father beams. His handwriting is kinda girly.
Toasts abound at the dinner table, as Jessica sneaks in to have a talk with her mother in the kitchen. Or, as Mary Lynn refers to it, "the food-bearing weigh station on my daughter's hasty way back to law school." Mary Lynn tells Jessica that she's "glowing," and angrily makes some post-dinner coffee as she spits out in one smiley breath, "Not to say you shouldn't fall for him I think he's pretty great I just worry and I don't want you to get hurt." Ah. "Pretty great." The hallmark of all unconditional statements of motherly support. Other thoughtfully considered though quickly discarded Jesse Palmer rallying cries included, "I mean, yeah. Huh. I mean, what's important is that he likes you, y'know?" and "okay, not entirely 'eh.'" She worries that Jessica might not be ready to make a commitment for the rest of her life, telling us in a confessional that she really hopes there's no ring at the end of this, speaking to the benefits of taking a marriage proposal slowly: "It's a lifetime commitment." Sssssh! They'll hear you and the show will be ruined. Jessica hilariously mocks her mother, saying that she's going to quit law school and run off and never call home again. Jesse tells us that she felt Mary Lynn was "skeptical," and we cut to Jesse and Jessica macking on the sidewalk at the end of the night. "I really do feel strongly for Jesse, and I feel in my heart that we're supposed to be together and that this is supposed to work out." The signs are everywhere. Look at how much the dog liked its toy. Kismet. It's just fucking kismet.