Then Angela Martin (28, Chicago), who has auditioned for this show every year since back when it was still called The Kleen-Brite Tooth Polish Amateur Hour, goes through her whole sick sad world again, and it's just as intense as always, but they're not showing us that, that's for people who don't remember her every single year. If you don't, she had a traffic court date at one point, which is tragic, but she's still got dreams. Man, that girl does not allow things to get in the way of her dreams. Including, I guess, traffic laws.
"Just Fine," MJB. And she sings it just fine. Shania stares at her like she just realized we're in America and not Canada like usual. She loves her. Simon says Angela is the reason he does the show: Needs a break, and sings awesome. I like that. Kara makes her cry and Randy makes her yawn, and Simon kids around giving her a no and then giggles infectiously. Angela's very excited about going to California for the one hundredth time since the Gold Rush when she first auditioned for this show, and I'm very happy for her, but also worried because obviously God does not want her to be on this show, which means at some point her bus will be hit with an asteroid, and then what happens to Tyler Grady's face? Or that Mormon?
Eight total on Day One. Angela, a dude in an unfortunate Palestinian scarf, a guy who's like the male version of Kris Allen, boots girl with all the hair, some tall blonde blue-jeans needs-a-haircut cowboy hat hair guy... And some people who I guess are a secret. It's not quality, it's quantity!
Twelve thousand people, twelve thousand chances to feel better about yourself.
A giant man named Curley Newbern (25, Chicago) comes in wearing all white and singing Kate Bush (via Maxwell). This should be stupid... And it is. Randy can't handle it, the reedy lady-voiced nonsense, then Simon cracks up and Kara sort of quietly begs him to stop and Shania keeps her shit together really well, but none of them recognize the song, which was like a huge damn single back in the day, so I... That's the least confusing thing about this.
Shania stares into space for a long time, wearing a hideous godawful Laura Ashley bedskirt as a shirt and thinking: "Don't waste your time, they will be destroyed. So will the Judgery. American Idol is a losing game mankind has played for more than a century. Sadness is what you are. Do not deny it. The universe is a lonely place, a painful place. This is what we can share between us. Period."
More schadenfodder: Chantelle Longlastname (23, Longplacename) who could really use a shrug instead of going sleeveless and should sing better. Kara says she didn't "impress [Kara] much," which is a two-fer of kissing Shania's dumb ass and introducing us to that horrible song that is not a song. It's a list of things that don't impress Shania Twain very much, set to bleeping and blooping and clicking.
It's not quality, it's quantity! More big girls, a cutie in a big red necktie who surprises Shania in some way, adorable chin-beard in earthtones who freaks out Kara's mind, a prancing girl in skirt-over-jeans, a vigorously vivacious homo in pink stripes, lots of hair on a girl, Simon possibly barfing more, angry screaming skinny girl with her arms all over the place that won't go home, some kind of frat stud shouting, helmet hair in an ugly corset with those scary eyes, Shania wearing denim which is the Canada equivalent of linen because of the temperature, a girl who looks like she's crying at all times, a girl who I think actually is crying at all times, some tragic close-ups of Chantelle followed by some more tragic farther-offs of Chantelle.
Then there's John Park (20, Northbrook IL), who is pretty darn hot. He has that swept-bangs look of Metro Station and a very swoopy beginning of his song that soon rights itself. Randy's going to be like, "an Asian guy singing soul!" And then he's going to say that sentence three more times. And each time, the guy will get more Asian and his voice will get sexier, and that's because Randy is magic. But instead of that shit, thankfully, Shania cougars out all the hell over him about his "bottom end" and his lips and his "nice tone down there," which is hot, but the whole time Randy is making a complete fuckface of himself until Kara has to tell him to leave her alone. It's pretty awful but it makes Shania seem much, much cooler. Randy magically makes you cooler by proximity.
Ryan tries to get all of hot John Park's ten hot college friends to group-hug, but instead they run out into the wild blue yonder because they are stoked to dangerous levels. If I sat to Randy Jackson probably I would turn into a surfboard. Or maybe Abigail Breslin. What would you turn into? I think you would turn into Lorenzo Lamas. Or that show Modern Family, maybe, if you sat there for longer. I wonder what Ryan Seacrest was, before he sat to Randy Jackson.
No, I bet he was already pretty awesome.