So the crowd goes apeshit and the judges follow suit. And rightly so, he got himself back on track. Didn't forget a single word. Paula praises his purity of spirit, Simon applauds his "master class," and the girls in the "mosh pit" scream his name. I can totally see why, what with the raw, animal magnetism he possesses. Ryan asks if it's easier to sing a slow song -- which I love because the implication is that on the fast songs, the words are going by way too fast for David and his short little legs to keep up -- and David says that the slow songs allow him to be more "sensitive." Mmm hmm.
Back from the break, Ryan plugs tomorrow's results show (Pickler! Enjoy it, Clifton.) and then grabs an iPhone from a girl in the crowd and proceeds to shill for it in a manner than even he finds demeaning. Ryan Seacrest thinks this is crass. Wow. He then points to the judges who are all raising their Coke glasses in sell-out solidarity. Michael Johns and his stupid fucking hat are going to sing "A Day In The Life." Why does he so totally gross me out? He's my version of David Cook, I guess. Just Michael and his mic this week, which means that once again his free hand is up to all the corny bullshit it usually is. He totally strains on a high note, then kind of rights his ship, though it's really a rather boring performance. The camera does some 360-spins to try and fool us into getting dizzy off the fumes of John Michael Australia, but I can't imagine too many people are buying it. Randy wants more -- you guessed it -- big notes. Jesus. Paula thinks he was way worse than he was in dress rehearsal and tries to blame it on the ear devices they're wearing. Simon simply thought it was a mess, saying that part of it was that "A Day In The Life" doesn't work at a minute and a half (which is a point that's not always brought up on this show), but part of it was also that Michael was all over the place. Ryan takes the stage and asks Paula to explain the whole earpiece thing to the unwashed masses, but while she does, Michael is forced to admit he's not wearing one. HA! The judges all stumble over each other like they just got out of a clown car, with Simon trying to embarrass Paula and Randy trying not to embarrass Michael and Paula trying to salvage some of her critique. It's a total circus up there. Which means it's the perfect time for Ryan to give Michael the chance to dedicate the song to a friend who died. So I guess that's his thing now. The judges are all, "Wow, we're assholes," then the audience "awws" and runs to their cell phones to text their sympathy votes. That whole affair was awkward.
These 21 commercials straining to remind you that Jim Strugess "took you Across the Universe" last year sound so desperate and sad. Beatles fans! Come see this movie! Kevin Spacey and Kate Bosworth have no drawing power! You're all we've got!
After the break, Ryan's talking crazy talk with the judges, and we still don't care about the stuff Simon whispers to Paula when he's busy not listening to the performances, so moving on. Carly! Still with the mom hair! Sweetheart, just straighten it, for all our sakes. She's singing "Blackbird," which concerns me, but aside from the ridiculous top with the giant fleurchon collar and her hunchy stance, the song sounds quite pretty. It builds to some Randy-friendly notes towards the end, too. We get the briefest glimpse of Carly's husband, Tattoo Face, and he's as beguiling as ever. Seriously, I love him. Not for his tattoo face, you guys, but for his personality. Anyway, Randy loved it, of course, and coins the term "cooliosis" in honor of it. Stop trying to make "cooliosis" happen, Randy. "Yo Factor" didn't happen, so "cooliosis" is never going to happen. Paula says...something I don't understand. Not the first time. Simon hated the song choice (again), and Carly gets into this whole ill-advised lyrical interpretation where the contestants are all blackbirds, and their broken wings are $2 million dollar marketing pushes that go nowhere. Or something like that. Okay, Carly, here's your to-do list: 1) Straighten that hair; 2) Burn that top; 3) Stop talking about blackbirds. She acknowledges that it's corny, and Simon gets very funny about how he's uncomfortable with the idea of judging a bunch of broken birds. Weirdly, against all odds, I think Carly brought Simon around to her side there. Ryan comes up and we see that Carly's gotten a number 7 (as in Season 7) tattooed onto her finger. The degree to which Carly sees this show as her last chance in life makes me very uncomfortable.
Jason Castro is dressed like a total nerd and will be singing "Michelle," as in "Michelle ma belle," or if you're Jason, "Michelle, my bell," because dude, it sounds just like English! No instruments for Jason tonight, except for the French that he wields between his lèvres. I have no idea what I'm watching here. He's just so doofy and corny and weird and he's singing French and making dorky hand gestures and looking straight into that camera with that Zach Braff face he makes, and he's completely adorable of course, but I also now think he's touched in the head because what the hell is going on here? It's like he's singing in a gondola while his pet monkey plays a concertina. Randy thought Jason was a little too subdued "this time." Yeah, as opposed to the bouncing off the walls he's done every other week. I believe the word you're looking for, Randy, is "gaywad." Paula actually makes some sense, saying Jason gets a little "uncomfortable" away from his guitar. Seriously, if this week has shown us anything, it's that the instruments, now that they've been introduced, are pretty necessary for Jason and Brooke. And, I will say it again, Michael Johns. Just put something in your hands, man, you don't have to really play it. Simon finally -- FINALLY -- says the obvious, which is that Beatles Week II was a dumbfuck idea because all it's doing is pissing on the memory of Beatles Week I, which was pretty awesome. Simon adds, however, that viewers with eyeballs and functioning hormones will save Jason's bacon this week.