Ryan presents the rundown from last night: Michael Johns was good. Ish. I guess I must truly, irredeemably hate him, because that performance kind of did nothing for me. Ramiele went and picked a good song for immeasurably dumb reasons and got shown the hell up for it. Tellingly, however, we only get a clip of Paula's praise for the performance. Hmm. Carly and Syesha continued to follow Randy's "Belt, bitch!" directives. Chikezie touched the crowd with his hands while Jason touched them with his emotions, people. David Archuleta got Up With Epcot and Simon found it all too cutesy. No one ever said that man was not a fickle bitch. We see David backstage insisting that he chose that dumb-ass song himself and not his Scary Stage Dad like Simon seemed to be suggesting. Brooke started to go for some Tori Amos deconstruction of "Every Breath You Take" but didn't have the stomach for it. Kristy Lee Cook actually did have the stomach to make the most bald-faced plea for votes yet with "God Bless The U.S.A." And then David Cook did that thing he does that drives people crazy, in all directions, and once again was one of the very few people this season who I look forward to seeing.
But who's going home? Same deal as last week: couches for the safe ones, stools for the Bottom Three. First out is Chikezie, and while you think Ryan won't send the first person out to the stools like that, you don't know the trickery of one Ryan Seacrest, because Chikezie: Bottom Three. Brooke is safe, and once again she goes to the wrong spot on the couch, though this time she corrects herself before Ryan has another OCD fit. Carly is out -- and I should note that they've finally got her looking good on a night when it won't mean anything votes-wise -- and she and Ryan have an awfully interesting misconception they need to clear up. A word to everybody who pretty much thought it was set in stone that Carly was pregnant: she's not. She gets kind of excuse-y about it, saying that the rumors weighed a lot on her mind last night, but she quickly redeems herself by joking that she was wearing a whole lotta Spanx last night to make sure she looked extra slim. Ryan asks Paula if she's familiar with the Spanx, and Paula, partially off-mic, says that Simon is. Dude, Paula, if we coulda heard that, it would have KILLED. I admit: I am a sucker for a good Spanx joke. Anyway, Carly is safe and she's thrilled, and she runs over to Brooke and tackles her with a big, screaming hug. I love her.
Kimberly Locke! Okay, so I didn't watch the second season of this show when it first ran, but that "8th World Wonder" song was a total guilty pleasure of mine, and watching Idol Rewind, I can tell she probably would have been my favorite. I also probably would have hated Simon Cowell to this day if I'd watched that season because oooooh, he was so mean to her! Anyway, she was on the show, got a killer makeover, almost won except people had lost their minds about Ruben and Clay that year (glad that's passed), had one lonely radio hit (which production totally effs up so we barely get to hear it), opened a restaurant, lost a bunch of weight, and from the sounds of it she went and recorded some kind of gay disco anthem. Way to go, Kim! So she performs for everyone, and it's a lovely, if boring, ballad. I guess it would've been too much to hope for the gay disco anthem. Kim's newly svelte self is poured into what I can only describe as her dress for the Inaugural Ball. I guess she just wants to be ready in case she gets the call. Anyway: yay, Kim Locke!
Oh, I should mention that the New York affiliate here apparently thinks there's a huge controversy over David Cook, even though he's said the words "Chris Cornell" like a billion times already. Go back to demonizing prostitutes, will you please?
Idol Gives Back update: it's still going to happen. Consider yourselves up to speed.
More results! Ryan calls out...Ramiele. Okay, all at once there are about six or seven things in play here. One being that, same as last week, they need to get through the whole group before they fill that last spot in the Bottom Three. On the other hand, Ramiele sang first this week, which has been a total curse. On the other other hand, the Ann Wilson Good Luck Charm has been so reliable it's even saved Kady Malloy. In the end, the Heart boon holds true, and Ramiele is safe. Dude, this girl could be trouble.
So finally we're down to Kristy Lee and Jason Castro, and it becomes immediately clear that she's safe and he's Bottom Three. For about a billion reasons, the most obvious being the fact that if Jason weren't Bottom Three, he'd have been called twenty minutes ago. Indeed, that's the case, as Kristy Lee's mind-bogglingly cynical ploy had paid off and she's full-on safe. Even she's like, "Dude, sorry. I was out of options." Jason, for his part, manages to walk the "no worries" walk and essentially backs up the whole stoner image he's projecting. Ryan tells him to stick around at center stage and calls Syesha and Chikezie over. Randy and Paula object to these three being up for the booting, but Simon plays his "I told you so card" and blames crappy song choice for all three. Jason says he's not surprised to be here, as he figured out the same thing I did once it was down to him and Kristy Lee. Ryan's suspenseful silence just makes Jason babble all the more. Ryan lets him go on, and it's pretty funny, and then Ryan cuts him off to tell him he's safe. Hee hee. Okay, Ryan, you get that one.