Carrie Underwood! Puppy fat gone, with interest! Good to see Hollywood's not getting to her. She sings this awesome song about this fast-driver lady who hits some black ice and then immediately dedicates her life to Jesus and defensive driving. It's my new favorite!
Brenna goes home and sounds even worse than she did Tuesday, which is funny because usually they sound better. I will miss her as a television personality, but not as a terrible singer, or as a formerly lively person gone lifeless. Heather the Stalker also goes home, still not Mariah Carey, and she mentions goats in some way. Paula laughs at them both for reasons that make sense only to her. And to Simon, who fed her a bunch of nonsense lines apparently before the show so that he could laugh at her on live TV when she repeated them verbatim. It is gorgeous. I'm just glad Katharine's okay. Get with the program, Toots!
Ryan asks all the boys one by one if they made it, like it's not stressful enough, and then sends the albescent David Radford home with his gorgeous mother. I will miss him as an adorable person on TV, but not as a worthless singer or a formerly personality-enhanced performer. We didn't get to see him puke one single time! Sway and Kevin, the two possible home-goers, are subjected to yet more hilarious random talking by Paula, who nearly goes to sleep and then almost crawls under the table and around the studio on her hands and knees, laughing and crying in ragged jags. It's amazing. At one point Ryan actually has to remind the judges that they are live and possibly recording testimony for their eventual competency trials at that very moment. Sway is eliminated, of course, having left the voice I thought I liked somewhere in Hollywood and traded it in for something very uvular and mucosal, like a frog in the back of his throat which in turn contains a frog in its own throat, and so on, and somewhere in there is David Radford, snapping and dimpling terrifically and nearly barfing for ever and ever, amen. We'll miss you, just...not on this show, at all.
And we're live for a full hour. And such an hour! I admit that Wednesday night, I got more and more insanely jealous of Joe R during the hour-of-NAMBLA public service announcement episode. For exactly 24 hours, until this. Now I'm okay!
So Ryan's wearing a complicated black outfit with a white pocket square. The black makes him look more orange than lighter colors do. He tells us that Carrie Underwood is coming, and for some reason I'm looking forward to seeing her. I'm sure that will last about six seconds, but I was like, "Yeah? Carrie?" I guess when a person spends as much time in your living room as she did -- watching each episode multiple times, no less -- you can't help but be kindly disposed toward her. I hope she is happy forever. And that I don't ever have to listen to her sing again in my entire life, because that is not how I roll.
Avril Lavigne's terrifying body double watches as Ryan tells us there were over 42 million votes this week. That is so many votes! Randy's wearing a lovely candy-striped shirt, Paula's doing some kind of Anna Nicole thing and waving to her own face, and Ryan calls Simon "Mr. Cranky himself." I bet that's what he says in the morning as he's bringing in the tray. "And how is Mr. Cranky this morning? I made you crepes." A little paper flower in the OJ. Fuck Simon Cowell for not being grateful for what he has. What could be better than Ryan Seacrest bringing you crepes and calling you "Mr. Cranky"? Paula's out of it and not talking or looking at anything in particular, and Ryan tells Simon not to "start" tonight. I guess due to the fact that Simon asked him last night to please not molest the contestants. Does that really fall under the heading of "attitude"? Because I would have put it under "I will have your ass," and not in the nice way.
Now the group sings "Love The One You're With," which fits the cynical amount of bullcrap going down in the Top 24. I always thought Bo should have done that the night Carrie won. I think the fans would have appreciated that, and it's in his range and vibe. Quickly now: Melissa still dances like a stripper; Taylor still dances like a scary idiot; Heather still has boobs; Brenna still sings and thinks like a duck; Gedeon is still a strange little thing; Paris still sings directly to the camera with little "vote for me" hands in her eyeballs, folded as though in prayer. Bucky hates to dance because of California, Lisa sings into the camera with her eyes wide and then chases it into the audience. Ayla's the only one who's even trying, vocally, wearing a snappy and sexy red dress and ending her line with a cute little fake smile at the end. She sounds great even though she has to move around a lot more than most of the others, due to the choreography. Then Katharine! Rocks! She riffs over the chorus and does a cute little dance with her legs going every which way and is wonderful. Bucky is in hell. Will is at the front of the group, not really registering, and Kellie's cute some more. Kevin is still here? He looks like he wandered in from a studio tour, as usual. Kinnik is also still here, jumping into frame out of nowhere and wearing a really cute outfit, a newsboy, and huge white sneakers. (Andy: "She's the only one that looks famous. Everybody else looks like I went to high school with them." Jacob: "Your high school was not drag queen-friendly." Andy: "Tell me about it." Okay, I admit that I made most of that conversation up.) Will is a good dancer, actually. David Radford is still here? Then there is Mandisa to wrap things up.
They all pose ridiculously at the end of the song, and Brenna looks like an album cover of amazing. There are still so many of them! It's like this giant herd! Ryan takes us back over the last three hours and two nights: Ace sucked and squealed and was bad but safe forever, Heather was boring as hell and still looked hard, Will was doing something I do not understand although I do love him, Kellie was actually awesome for some reason, Brenna sounded like a duck (but they clip the one part she didn't suck at, which was nice of them) and Simon said she was going home, Simon told Paula to go to hell and it took her ten hours to figure it out and then she got mad and switched chairs. Song choice was a continuing problem: Katharine was utterly boring with Stevie Wonder, while Sway could not pull off "Overjoyed" at all and made me forget why I loved him in the first place. Kinnik sang country and sucked, Bucky sang country and was awesome but I still despise him and his works, Melissa I don't know or care what happened. Taylor has tics but David maybe has more, since we haven't ruled out an actual neurological disorder on Taylor's part. Simon hated them both, David had no confidence, Ayla and Elliott were amazing and blew the roof off for a billion reasons. Paris and Lisa good, but a little boring, but of the two of them, at least Lisa wasn't wearing a Halloween costume of some kind. Gedeon did his thing and made it his own, to the point where I finally get why he's here. Kevin was a fucking joke, Mandisa and Chris needed to not be here but not because they're not good, because they're too good, and this isn't a singing competition. Point being: Mandisa and Chris (and maybe Lisa, who I couldn't give less of a damn about) should be off succeeding, not wasting time. This isn't about music, and anybody who tells you it is, is selling you something. Mostly Coke and Ford automobiles. Someone should give Mandisa and Chris this memo.
Ryan tells Simon how incredibly charming he is, but I don't think he really means it. Then Carrie Underwood shows up, and Ryan tells us her album has sold over 2 million copies, which is great or whatever. She's lost some weight, but still looks really cute. She's put on some age and a whole lot of sophistication, but that's the point of the show. Take a person just like us, and turn them into something magical that will make people scream when anybody sees them. It's Queen For A Day with a flimsy singing excuse. Every year, it helps to remind yourself of this. Some weeks, it's good to remind yourself once a day. Carrie gives Ryan a bunch of canned answers with her customary mix of not-quite-awkwardness/not-quite-cuteness, and it's clear that she's happy to see him. For the single (which is titled "Don't Forget To Remember Me," which is a clue), Carrie cast her mom in the video, and her mom was nervous even though she's been Carrie's mom forever, and Carrie's cute as she asserts that, if her mom said or did anything "dorky," she would go for a Rent-A-Mom in a second. It's canned but cute, and that is a definition for Carrie as well as any other. The song she's about to sing, which is totally awesome, was on the country charts at #1 for six weeks. Of course it was.
Coming back, what Kinnik and Heather are doing is technically holding hands, but it's more of a "touching hands" kind of thing that gives the illusion of holding hands. They look cute and tired. Ryan asks Paula what happened, with their performances, and Paula squeezes her eyes closed, "cutely," and then...speaks. "Simon says because one of them ate pizza and the other one ate salad." She breaks into hysterical laughter. Randy and Simon laugh, but at her. Randy tries to save their collective asses, and blame Simon, that he's always cracking jokes. All I know is, you don't joke about food around Heather Cox, because it's like all she talks or thinks about anyway, which is not good. Heather's eyes bug out at this behavior, and both ladies are confused. Paula babbles and Simon pretends he didn't have anything to do with this, and Ryan's finally all: "You guys realize we're on the air, right? This is one of the most intense moments in their lives?"
Score one for Ryan Seacrest. I love it when he keeps the show together. It's like thatDawson's Creek where fuckin' Andie McPhee saved everybody from a tornado or whatever. What was it? A hurricane? I remember Drue was there, and there was a whole bullshit Shakespearian thing going on with Joey thinking she was a bad-ass, and Drue's mom was being a bitch to Andie, all "you are completely crazy and you can't go to college" and then they all nearly died and Andie was like, "Drue, you sweep, I'll fix the phone, Mrs. Drue, stop being a bitch and get me some napkins" and all of Capeside was like, "Oh, snap, McPhee's got it together," and then I don't know what happened. She went back to sucking ass, I think. Anyway, that's not really what happens here, but it's one that I often think of, in situations like this. (My favorite one from the Andie Era, besides the talking to her dead brother and scaring the hell out of Pacey one, of course, is the one where Andie takes some E and ends up spazzing out in the moonwalk, and nobody can tell, and if you turn it off before the end, you can pretend she died. I love Meredith Monroe, I do, but my God, Andie McPhee.) So finally Ryan gets Paula back on track, and she tells Kinnik that she has incredible vocals, but picked a song that didn't suit her. In fact, what she picked was a song that was not a song, so the vocals never had a chance to matter. Paula tells Heather, then, what they told her last night: if you sing a Mariah song, either bring it, or change it up. No other options. Simon asks if he's supposed to predict who's leaving based on vocals, and Ryan just says, "Based on your opinion." His opinion is that Heather is leaving, and that opinion is correct. Of course. Heather had the second-lowest number of votes. Gedeon stares creepily into the camera for a long, long time, and realizes he should look away at the last second.
Kevin and Sway stand there, after David's sing-out, and Kevin looks horrified by life. Sway is just being very silent. Ryan asks them what went through their mind during the commercial break, and the obvious is answer is "fuck fuck fuck," but Kevin just says he doesn't want it to be the end of the road, and Sway's going kind of David, just vague and repeating things over and over. Ryan's like, what was the Dawg Pound saying to you during the break, and Sway goes, "I don't know. Nothing." It's touching.
Ryan stupidly asks Paula if she has any advice, because she loves them so much. Paula, who has already proven herself unworthy of talking tonight, starts laughing hysterically. ["This is when my stomach about hit the floor. Not again!" -- Joe R] Kevin and Sway stand, flat-footed. "Simon, what did you tell me?" She's laughing and pawing at him, as usual. "Paula, it's a live show," Simon says, but it's clear that A) he's loving it, and B) this is all an elaborate joke he's playing on Ryan, Paula, you, and me, but mostly, and undeservedly, on the contestants themselves. I love Simon, but I blame him for this. "Simon gave me advice he said that on The X Factor he always" -- Simon's laughing aloud at this point -- "refers to a fortune cookie and says that a moth who finds the melon" -- she almost loses control, with the laughing, staring into space, staring at nothing; Randy's trying to help her out, all three of them have completely lost track of the two tiny boys onstage who are terrified, it's possible all three of them are drunk -- "finds the cornflake always finds the melon." Simon gives a "Who, me?" shrug and asks, "What?" Ryan says to the boys, and to the camera, that this segment has become a bad idea. Randy, feeling Ryan's disapproval -- and when did Randy deputize Ryan? Joe, that was your watch, no? ["Yes. Clearly, Randy has proven himself unworthy to be Classroom Helper for the week." -- Joe R] -- starts talking about "Simon's back in third grade tonight," but really he's just kissing Ryan's authoritative ass, because it's a world gone mad. Simon scoffs: "Why am I getting blamed for this?" And Ryan responds, "I don't know. Let's act like adults." I love Ryan Seacrest more than I have ever loved him, at this moment in time.
He reminds the judges that they are being assholes and that these children are about to have their actual, literal most important moments, ever. "In your opinion, Mr. Cowell," Ryan begins, and you can hear Paula's wheezing hysteria just off to the side, "who's leaving us tonight?" Simon gets it together, finally ("Right."), because to have Ryan put you in the same group of malcontents and fuckers-around as Paula Abdul is a sharp slap in the face with the trout of reality. "This time it will not be vocals. Sway, you will be leaving." Kevin's sad about that, because he is sweet. Ryan clarifies that this means that Sway had the second lowest number of votes. Kevin's face drops, he hugs Sway, and then he stares nausea in the face some more. Sway smiles, Kat's distracted, Mandisa has a migraine or is sad, Paula crawls all over Simon grinning madly.