We cut to another part of the Kent home, where someone is putting an angel ornament atop the Christmas tree. "There. She's perfect," Lana says, coming down from a stepladder. It must be at least ten feet tall to get her up there. "Yes, she is," Clark says, staring at Lana. Because she's perfect. Lana, they mean. Right?
Al: Fuck yes, she's perfect.
Miles: She's our Virgin Mary. Without, you know, all the Catholicism.
Al: And a lot hotter. Right, Jesus?
Jesus: Er, yes. But I hope you all understand that these guys are paying me a lot of money to say so. Network TV money. "Fuck you, Judas" money. Happy holidays, folks. I'm going to go celebrate my birthday now. Chuck E. Cheese, here we come!
Clark and Lana kiss, right there in front of all the Christmas tree lights. Clark's flannel fails to catch fire. Lana comes down a few more steps from the ladder to her usual chipmunk height. Lana says it's usually just her and Nell during Christmas. Not Lana's longtime boyfriend from before she was with Clark? They never had a Christmas together? When Lana says "Nell," it sounds so much like "Mel" that even the closed captioning was fooled. I was wondering if the Talon had hired Vic Tayback as a cook at some point and I missed it. Lana says that, with Nell, there's always tinsel and an artificial tree. She thanks Clark for saving her from another plastic, store-bought holiday. Maybe you should just thank your formerly pink wardrobe and stars that Nell even bought you anything, you ungrateful little snipe. She's your aunt and she's doing the best she can, dammit! At least I think she is. I haven't really seen her since Season 1. Frankly, it's news to me that she's still alive. "Welcome," Clark says as Lana climbs up on a platform to kiss him again. Just as their lips are about to engage in unholy TV show mangling, a jolly polyphonic Jingle Bells tune plays. It's coming from Clark's pants. I knew he had jingle balls! They both grin at Clark's cell ringtone. Ah, ringtones. The TV punchline that will continue to be used for, like, five more years, at least. Lana walks away and says something garbled that sounds like "Tell a Merry Christmas, Chloe." He'll do that. Clark answers, and it is indeed his spunky blonde friend. We only hear her voice through the phone as she says, "Clark, I've got a problem. Meet me at The Planet." Dramatic music plays as we cut to Chloe, looking very serious. "I need your help," she says. Uh-oh. Trouble's afoot!
Bright flash. A baby is born. Lana is smiling as Lex holds her head. "Merry Christmas," a nurse says as she brings the swaddled child to Joseph and Mary...er, Lex and Lana. Lex holds the baby in wonder. "Wow," he says. Lana agrees. Lex says she's perfect (the baby, not Lana...for once), and thanks Lana for the amazing Christmas gift. This is almost as good as an iPod Nano. "Well, you did a little bit," Lana says. "Yes, thanks for the hospital-room emasculation there, hon," thinks Lex. "Can't wait to do a "little bit" more in the future. My libido thanks you." "Hi! Hi, li'l girl!" Lana says in a strange Joey Lauren Adams voice. Lana, Lex, and Lana's wayward tooth are all incredibly happy. Until Lana hitches in a rough breath. She starts to struggle to breathe. Her vital signs spike. Lex calls for a nurse. The nurse says that Lana is hemorrhaging and that they need to start a transfusion. Lex asks what's happening. Did she not just tell you? They try to get Lex out of there as they go to work on the Virgin Lana. "Lana!" Lex calls as he's shoved out of the room. They get ready to transfer Lana to the OR.
Commercials. Penguins and polar bears drinking lots of caffeine. I can't imagine that could end well.
Lex at the medical center. He's pacing. A nurse shows up and tells him that Lana's lost a lot of blood. Why aren't the Kents or anyone else here to support Lex? "There's gotta be something that you can do!" Lex cries. The nurse's face doesn't seem to agree.
Lair of Lex. Only it's Papa Luthor's office now. Papa sits bathed in unholy light at a desk as Lex slinks into the room. Lex, standing firmly at the doorway, says, "Dad, I, uh, need some help." Way to show some resolve. Papa Luthor doesn't doubt it. "Why else would you be here on Christmas Eve?" Now, I know Bo's probably not rich, but couldn't Lex have asked his bestest new buddy for some help? Couldn't a state senator pull some strings? Couldn't the Planet, for that matter? A charity car wash? Anything? This show acts like Papa Luthor is the only person who can afford a helicopter ride in all of Kansas. Lex doesn't explain very well. He says that they've started transfusions (but doesn't say for what), and that Lana needs a specialist. Lex mentions a specialist at the Davis Clinic in Metropolis. Papa Luthor looks up from his sleek Alienware laptop and drink to scoff: "Oh, Lex, what a sorry situation you've gotten yourself into." Coldness! Lex doesn't think Papa Luthor understands: "My wife is dying and I need the helijet to save her." Ooh, a helijet. Fancy! Papa understands, but he doesn't care. "I'm talking about Lana!" Lex yells. Lex tries to appeal to Papa Luthor's familial side: "She's the mother of your grandchildren." "How can I have grandchildren? I don't have a son," Papa tells him.