House reports to Wilson's office to announce that he 1. detoxed from Vicodin over the course of one night, and 2. did so with the help of Cuddy, who then had sex with him. "I've been clean for almost twenty-four hours now," House says, sounding kind of proud of himself. Wilson is rendered jealous. I mean, "speechless." He finally gets the words to say "wow ... wow! One for each." "That's what she said!" House responds. How long has Wilson had that Ordinary People poster? Wasn't it Vertigo before? Why would he get rid of Vertigo? Maybe he's a huge fan of Mary Tyler Moore playing against type. Wilson stands up -- there's the Vertigo poster! He just moved it to another wall -- and is more impressed/surprised/happy about House being off Vicodin and feeling good than anything else. He also can't believe that Cuddy wasn't on the influence of anything when she slept with House, but House says she was "clean and sober and hot." Since when did he lay on the compliments? I think someone is in LOVE. "This is fantastic. How are you gonna screw it up?" Wilson asks. You know what? Wilson is kind of a crappy friend. He knew House was hallucinating and needed to detox, and then he just let House walk out of the room and do it his own way instead of following him around to make sure he was okay. And then he just goes to work the morning like nothing happened? Weird. House says that he probably won't get the chance to screw anything up, since Cuddy just dumped him. Wilson says that could mean two things: either Cuddy is in love with House and scared, or in the cold, harsh light of day, she realized that she only slept with him because he was vulnerable and they had just gone through an intense experience together. "You think she jumped me out of pity?" House asks. Wilson says no, they had sex without pity. And House needs to talk to Cuddy. Needs to, but probably won't.
Hadley and Taub search Scott's apartment. Hadley gets all philosophical about their patient, saying that if he's two people after his split-brain surgery, then we all have two people inside our heads. "What does that say about identity?" she wonders. "We're making it up as we go along, which I find freeing," Taub says. They're only saying this stuff because it's relevant to the episode's greater themes. Once that's through, they note the tiny size of Scott's bathroom, which really doesn't look all that tiny to me. Sorry we can't all have giant warehouse apartments with fifty-foot ceilings, snobs. They note some fungus on the ceiling from taking steamy showers in such a confined space, and then Taub goes back to his obsession over Cameron and Chase's wedding glitch. Hadley knows all (thanks, most likely, to Foreman telling her) and says "it's always a sad thing when sperm comes between people." Easy for her to say. She's bisexual.
Taub and Hadley arrive at Scott's room to find him dressed and packing his things. Even though he was just barfing blood for reasons still unknown, he wants to leave to get Annie back, as she just called to dump him. Hadley tries to be gentle with Scott while Taub just comes right out and announces that the guy has pancreatic cancer. Hadley quickly reassures Scott that it's in the early stages and therefore has a high survival rate, which isn't really true since Scott said he'd had that sweating symptom for a long time. Also, pancreatic cancer tends to be pretty lethal no matter how early you catch it. Scott screams at them to stop talking while his alien hand picks up a can of deodorant and launches it at the window to make its host body's point. Scott says that his girlfriend dumped him because his hand is mean to her and she thinks that's because Scott has mixed feelings about her. Good thing for Chase that Cameron doesn't have an alien hand, huh? With that, the alien hand unbuttons Scott's shirt, which is really impressive since I couldn't do that with just one hand. I am a two-handed buttoner. Taub says that clearly shows that Scott's right brain wants to stay in the hospital. "My right brain's an ass," Scott moans.
House is studying Cuddy's coffee cup when Cameron walks in for some advice. She claims it's because she works best when bouncing her ideas off of someone, a technique she learned from House, but she obviously didn't also learn that House is not the person to go to when you need a sounding board, especially if it's about a personal issue. Sigh. Cameron barrels ahead, saying that she can end her relationship with Chase and things will be awkward at PPTH, end her relationship and find a job somewhere else, or "try making him angry," House suggests. That wasn't what Cameron had in mind. She says her third option is to actually talk to Chase, although she doesn't know what good that'll do since her feelings haven't changed. How is talking the last option listed? Cameron sucks at relationships. House says there's nothing Cameron can do to both save her relationship and keep the frozen sperm. She says she has normal doubts and shouldn't be punished for preparing for the worst -- "I don't expect my condo to burn down, but I have fire insurance," she says. Yeah, but that fire insurance didn't come out of your Poor Dead Husband's penis, so it's a little bit different. Taub walks in to report that Scott is trying to leave PPTH. On his way out, House asks Cameron if she'd go homeless if her condo rules didn't let her buy insurance. Good point, although I'd probably just live somewhere else. I don't care how nice or cheap the condo is -- I do not want to deal with some weirdo insurance-hating homeowner's association.
They do the latter back at the meeting room. Hadley's Cushing's suggestion is good enough for House to order them to test for it, even though we all know it can't be Cushing's because we've had that on this show before.
While Taub and Hadley get to work on Scott (Foreman apparently is off on another coffee break), Annie returns. She doesn't seem very open to a reconciliation, though, saying "you hit me." Scott apologizes, but it's not enough. Annie says she's only here to talk to Scott's doctors because she had a thought. Scott's alien hand has always been a factor in their relationship, but up until the time it struck her it was also playful and fun with its activities. And right before it slapped her, it angrily tossed the can of deodorant she brought. "Could it mean something?" she asks. Taub starts to say no, then asks Scott how often he uses his deodorant. Sweaty Scott says he uses it a few times a day, and it's "special heavy-duty stuff." Uh oh. Hadley takes a look at it and says something this strong sprayed in a room as small as Scott's bathroom might be a factor after all. She and Taub run off to do some research, but not before noticing that the alien hand is tenderly stroking Annie's face. "Somebody's grateful," Taub says. "We'll just leave the three of you alone," Hadley says. Way to make fun of your patient's brain problems, Hadley.
House goes to Wilson's office with Cuddy's coffee cup in hand. He wonders why there's no lipstick on the rim. Cuddy was wearing lipstick when she drank from it, and he knows that she buys lipstick that is crappy enough to smear all over House's face. It should be on the cup, too. Wilson would rather know why House is getting all logical and mechanical about something emotional and human. House says he's just looking for an answer to a question. Wilson says House can either have all the answers or he can be with Cuddy. House chooses the latter and throws the cup away. "What do I do?" he asks. Wilson's advice is to make Cuddy angry in order to somehow facilitate the communication they need to have to move forward. House says he's already tried that, but Wilson says he hasn't, really. He's been pulling his punches with poop and pirates. "Go terrorize her," Wilson says. Cuddy, you might want to reconsider your friendship with Wilson.
Chase finds Cameron in the locker room. He asks Cameron if she wants to destroy the sperm. Stop pushing your luck, Chase. Cameron says she wants to be with Chase more than she wants her sperm. Chase asks Cameron when, if ever, she'll be ready to destroy it -- five, ten years down the line? After they have children? It doesn't appear so. "You don't have doubts. You just don't want to kill the only thing left of someone you loved," Chase says, and Cameron bursts into tears. Uh, what? This doesn't make sense. Frozen sperm is a terrible memento. She couldn't have kept his old sweatshirt or something? And why couldn't Cameron just say the real reason in the first place? Chase would have been much more understanding. Plus, how much did she really love her Poor Dead Husband if she fell in love with his best friend over PoDeHu's deathbed and married him out of pity in the first place? Chase says she doesn't have to kill the sperm after all, and Cameron says she never canceled their wedding plans. She says she has a hard time giving things up. Thirty years from now, she'll be sitting in a room full of cobwebs in a tattered old wedding dress with a rotting wedding cake beside her, just like Miss Havisham except Miss Havisham didn't have a little freezer full of sperm by her side.