PROBABLE SIGHTINGS
Casey Abrams: Most likely.
Lauren/Scott: I'm guessing.
Katy Perry: One can only fuckin' hope.
Annie Lennox: Not unless somebody gets AIDS or malaria.
George Strait/Carrie Underwood: Only if tremendously unlucky, but that would be cool.
Lady Gaga: Maybe on a TV screen onstage with the volume turned down low or something similarly annoying.
Taylor Swift: Absolutely not.
Radiohead: No, but anybody who has ever been on a FOX show for sure.
Ray Charles: Not him, the other one.
Jimmy Iovine: Lurking, loving, horking, aging.
Randy Jackson: Yeah, I'm sure he's got a lot of other stuff going on.
Steven Tyler: On his way to his arraignment; pointing out the tender buds of Scotty's partner's burgeoning womanhood.
J. Lo: Like anybody will notice anyway.
Me, Ever Again After Tonight: Not for all the motherfucking Diet Coke in the world. Not if it involved the public censure and whipping of Steven Tyler. Not if Randy Jackson personally apologized for this offense. Not if Ellen came back, not if Kara came back, not if the new Judgery were Kristen Chenoweth, Gwyneth Paltrow, Andy Cohen and Casey Abrams. Not if Simon came back to this sinking ship, not if it would abolish DADT and federally allow gay marriage, not if it meant I get to star in a reality TV show where I live in a house with Sarah Palin and a shirtless Levi Johnston and Mary Louise Parker. Not if Ryan Seacrest himself personally offered to hold my hand for a period not exceeding five minutes and tell me I'm awesome* would I stick around living off the flesh of this bloated, beached, fishy old monster.
*(Although it goes without saying that you could give that a shot if you want. Saying goodbye to Ryan Seacrest feels about as horrible as admitting that Chris Colfer creeps me entirely out.)
It's been fun, and it's been real, but mostly it's been fun because it was never really real. There are tons of talented funny people that can give you a good talking-to about this show, and I have learned this year that telling people why something they love sucks is no fun for anybody, no matter how much you like the people in question. And I do love you guys; and so I will see you tonight for about a million hours. Tickety-tock. Come with me to whatever's .