I need the kind of girl that knows.
A girl that likes to wear my clothes.
Someone who always buys me coke.
Someone who laughs at all my jokes.
That's the girl that I want to see
Fall in love with me.
That's the girl that I long to know oh
How I love her so.
I'm looking for a girl who writes me songs
And talks to Jesus all day long.
And the way she does her hair
No one else can compare.
I'll probably meet her at a show
When I look at her I'll know
That she's the perfect one for me
And with her I will always be
The one for me
If you would like to see them for yourself, I found them at www.mxpx.com.
So, let's see what this tells us about Matt, shall we? The first thing I notice is that nearly the entire song is not really discussing the girl, but instead, what the girl will do for the singer. She'll laugh at his jokes, buy him drinks (or possibly drugs, but I'm guessing drinks), write songs for him. Really, the only things she does for herself are her hair and pray. Am I the only one who finds that really, really creepy? And yet, I am entirely not surprised.
Kelley is talking to Matt at the computer desk. She tells him that he needs to go on a date. I want to tell him that he needs to change his sweater, because it's glaring red and yellow is hurting my eyes. It's like he has to make up for his own lack of pigmentation (or personality) with loud, garish clothes. Matt says he doesn't date. Oh, he means by choice. I thought he meant he just can't get a date. Kelley asks if he could maybe just take a girl to dinner, and that it doesn't have to be serious. Matt says he hasn't found anyone that he would like to take to dinner, except his girlfriend. I think he means ex-girlfriend, but it's kind of telling that he didn't use the prefix, isn't it? He's so still hung up on her. In an interview, Matt says that he's only had one girlfriend his whole life, and that he's content with that. Matt tells Kelley that he knew his girlfriend for six months before he even kissed her. Well, I guess that's not so bad. I mean, they could have been just friends for a long time, right? Plus, if you know you're not going to have sex before marriage, why rush things? It's just going to make it more difficult later. Oh, fuck it. I'm all trying to justify what a lame-ass he is. He is lame. LAME! Hooray! I finally found someone to hate this season.
Okay, back to the show. Matt feels that this shows the extent of his pickiness, instead of the extent of his lame-osity. Matt expects "so much" out of his future girlfriend, and he feels that she's so cool right now that she wouldn't have him. Wow, he just described every woman in the world except for Julie. Kelley keeps pressing, asking if he hasn't ever kissed someone just to kiss them. Matt says he's only kissed three girls his whole life, and reminds her that he's a virgin, and then adds that he's "very virgin." What the hell does that mean? Is he trying to tell her that he really hasn't done anything but kiss a girl? Oh, Matt. So sad. So, so sad. Matt says that if he cuddled with some girl on the couch that he didn't "dig," he would want to push her off the couch. Oh my. Someone has some anger management issues. Julie, run away! Run! Away! Matt says that he isn't going to touch some girl he doesn't love. Ooh, the issues are piling up faster than the basket to my couch where I toss the eight zillion Victoria's Secret catalogs I get per day. In an interview, Matt says that he has "super-high expectations" and that his ideal girl is "really rad." Kelley asks what his type is. Matt says he liked some girl they met at 735, and that he likes it when a girl has some spunk. Yeah, it's all the more fun when they actually have a spirit for you to break, right, Matt? Also, and I don't mean to overgeneralize, but I doubt Matt is going to meet his nice Christian straightedge girl in a club. Kelley asks if his ideal girl would dress like him. Matt says, "I love myself so much that what I really want is to marry myself. But since I can't, I'll take a girl who is just like me -- perfect." Well, that's not what he said, but it's what he meant.
Melissa is wearing that goofy green hat seen in a few interviews thus far, but she's not in an interview. She's talking to Julie in the bedroom. Melissa feels that she is "the poster child of every girl out there who opens a magazine and feels ugly because she's not there." Julie busts out a scrapbook she made by tearing pictures out of magazines, and it's supposed to represent what she wants to look like. Dude, that is (and I feel I am overusing this word this week) sad. I mean, there was a time when I was confused and easily manipulated by the mass media into thinking that I needed to somehow remake my body to look like the women in those magazines. But then I turned fourteen! I mean, really. Julie is entering her second decade and she hasn't figured it out yet? Clearly, she is not down with the cause. Melissa is, though, and she's even taken her hat off to tell Julie that her scrapbook is the root of all evil in her mind. In an interview, Melissa says that there is a "white standard of beauty," and that she's not it, but that she does feed into it and it's her problem. See, now that I can relate to. Melissa tells Julie that they have developed a weird bond, based on "ugly girl power." In an interview, Melissa says that once she fully understands happiness and sadness, she can tackle issues of beauty, but she can only handle so much trauma. Melissa tells Julie that so much work needs to be done in her own head, but she's happy it's there and knows it will come out some day. I have no idea what that means.
Julie, Matt, and Melissa are in the car. Julie is driving. Melissa is sitting in back and Matt is lying with his head in her lap. Matt says that the last seven girls he told to look at his website all wanted to "chill," and I'm guessing he means that in the Teck Money sense of the word. Julie channels me for a minute and says, "You have got to be joking me." Matt says that his "webpage is on fire" and that he doesn't get phone calls like David, but he gets girls signing his guestbook instead. Now I feel dirty because I've looked at his site before. In an interview, Matt explains about his website for those who haven't seen it, explaining that it contains pictures of him and his daily journal, and that it's a little chunk of him that's not accessible when he first meets someone. Melissa jokes that she's worried about what will happen to him when the computer crashes. In an interview, Melissa says that Matt really believes that the woman who will be the love of his life will fall into his lap some day. Melissa asks Matt about Kelley from 735 (hereafter referred to as 735Kelley to avoid confusion). Matt says that he liked her, and wonders if he should call. To Julie's credit, she doesn't go insane with jealousy and run the car off the road. Melissa says, with much eye-rolling, that he can't call her yet, because she has to check out his website first. Ha! Score one for Melissa. Matt says that she signed his guestbook three times already, and now it's his turn, and he's contemplating his move. Julie calls him the "biggest cyberdork [she's] ever heard of." Matt retorts that the name is "cyber pimp" so "step off." Here's Matt's problem. He tries to crack jokes, but he has no sense of sarcasm or delivery or emotion of any kind, so it seems like he's serious when he's really not. I truly believe that was supposed to be a joke, but he said it so deadpan that I could see it being misunderstood as serious, kind of like when he said drag queens were like scary clowns. Also, on behalf of everyone who has a personal website, I would like to say that Matt is a cyberdork, and if he really thinks that women are going to be so impressed by his website that they will want to date him, he is sadly mistaken. I mean, it's a decent site, but it's not that great.
Matt has two girls over to the house, and one of them is 735Kelley. We never do get to find out the other chick's name. 735Kelley has bleached blonde hair and dark circles drawn around her eyes. I'm guessing she's trying to get more camera time by doing her makeup like a raccoon, hoping that Matt likes raccoons, because of the coat. In an interview, Julie says, "Wow, Matt's not asexual." Ha! Julie with the funny. The music keeps repeating, "There's something wrong with this picture," and for a minute, I think that 735Kelley is going to turn out to be a man or something. Julie and Melissa are giggling about Matt's guests. Jamie checks out the guests and then giggles with the girls (or like a girl, if you prefer). I have to admit to rewinding the shot where Jamie lifts up his shirt, exposing his stomach. I know, it's so wrong. I can't help it. If you cut off his head, he's not bad looking. Anyway, Matt impresses 735Kelley but showing her his closet, and then introduces her to Julie, Melissa and Jamie.
In an interview, Julie says she asked Jamie if the guests were cute. Jamie does a little song-and-dance routine. I think he is referring to the guests, but I don't get it. Is he trying to say they look like clowns? I swear, this show needs a study guide or something, because I don't understand half of what they do and say. It couldn't possibly be the manipulative editing and crappy continuity, could it? In an interview, Julie is all impressed that Jamie was able to pull a quote from a five-year-old movie (Clueless) and say that the girls are "full-on Monets," meaning that from far away they look good, but close-up, they are a "big old mess." Then again, the movie was rated PG-13, and that means Julie probably isn't allowed to watch it yet. 735Kelley gives Matt her e-mail address. In an interview, Matt is wearing that raccoon coat again, and says that he and 735Kelley have "similar styles" and a similar way of carrying themselves, and that "in a worldly sense," she's probably his type. What does "in a worldly sense" mean? I really need that Real World dictionary. The other girl reappears as they prepare to leave the house. Matt mumbles something about "a side hug" and tries to grab 735Kelley, even though he doesn't like to touch girls because of the cooties. She nearly walks out the door, but sees him just in time and gives him a hug, making sure to keep her good profile to the camera. Matt says awkwardly, "I stepped on your toes." Then he walks outside with her and gets another hug, during which he says, "I like your hair." He is so scared of women, isn't he? I mean, it's obvious. Matt adds that her hair is comforting because it's like looking in a mirror. No, he's not narcissistic at all.
Matt and David are eating dinner somewhere. Matt tells David that Melissa is wigging out. David says that he's noticed that Melissa is quieter. Matt says she laughs at her problems, and she's tired of the laughter. Then Matt says some other stuff, but really, who cares?
Kelley tells Melissa that if she leaves, it will ruin the house. There's that anthropomorphic house again. For those of you who haven't read my Hawaii recaps (and what are you waiting for?), it really bugs me when people on the show refer to "the house," when they really mean "the roommates." And they do it all the time. Melissa says that she feels like leaving every day, and that every day something happens and she has to analyze again who she is, and she's tired of it. I really think that Kelley wants to say, "So leave already! Quit talking about it and go!" Because by this point, it's clear that Melissa has no intention of leaving, but she wants everyone to fawn over her. If she really wanted to leave, she would be out the door. In an interview, Kelley says that Melissa started out being a "firecracker" who didn't take any crap, but now she has gone down to being "a walking open wound." They show a shot of Melissa, who does look very tired and sad. Julie asks what Melissa is tired of, and Melissa says it's the living situation, and talking about deep stuff all the time. Julie asks her to go to lunch with them, and Melissa says she needs to put on her makeup, because she can't be having "an ugly and nasty day."
Julie and Melissa are putting makeup on in the bathroom. Julie says that none of their earlier conversation made "rationale" to her until they sat down on the steps. Funny, that's about where it all fell apart for me. Julie says she can't "function in anger." Melissa says that is the only way she knows how to function, and that she works in happiness or anger, but no in between. In an interview, Melissa says it helps to know that she can talk to Julie about anything. Except God, of course. Or Mormonism. Julie comments that their makeup is symbolic because it covers up what's important. Shut up, Julie.
735Kelley is over visiting Matt. Tonight, she is wearing a black bandanna on her head and a T-shirt with a small Playboy bunny on the chest, with jeans. Matt charms her by talking about goats. He really knows how to sweet-talk a girl, eh? In an interview, Matt says he likes to get to know a girl as friends before asking her out. The two lovebirds play pool. 735Kelley says that she's an only child, so she didn't learn how to share. Matt says he has five siblings that he loves, and they are his best friends. They hug again, and 735Kelley drives away into the not. In an interview, Matt says that she's really hot but he doesn't know. So from that scene, I got that Matt likes her, but he's not sure what the potential is for long-term.
Matt and Julie are in the kitchen. Matt says that Julie should tell him to "leave the floozies alone." Shut up, Matt. Since when it is Julie's job to screen your dates! Maybe I'm just projecting because I know it always pissed me off when a boy I liked wanted to talk to me about his girl issues, and I'm assuming Julie feels the same way. Julie says that she doesn't have to tell him anything, but that if she wanted to, she could have told him in the beginning that 735Kelley wasn't his type of girl. This is where I am confused again. What sin did 735Kelley commit, besides being interested in Matt? Is it because she had a Playboy bunny on her shirt? Because she's an only child? I don't get it. In an interview, Julie says that she didn't know that was Matt's kind of girl, but it answers a lot of questions. Basically, she's saying that 735Kelley was a bimbo, and she's not, so that's why Matt doesn't like her. Maybe Matt passed on his judgmental duties to Julie this week, while he was busy riding his bike and being a cyber pimp. Julie points out to Matt that it's his life, not hers. Matt says that as his friend, she should look out for him. Julie says that she doesn't think he's an idiot, and that he can figure things out. I actually thought Julie handled that rather well.
week, it's Mardi Gras and Danny is out of control. Whoo!
Over the credits, Kelley and Matt talk about heat-seeking butts in dance clubs. You really don't want to know.