Mohammed from San Francisco arrives, but his dreds stayed home. Beth A. from L.A. arrives, looking much like as she did during her reunion, with the blonde hair. Jon from L.A. arrives, even though we've seen him, like, ten times already. David from New Orleans stands to David from Seattle. New Orleans David claims that they are both going to strip, and David from Seattle takes off. Ruthie walks in again, like, haven't we already seen her walking in three times? Lars from London walks in. Cynthia wraps up the red carpet portion of the evening, thank God.
In an interview, Puck from San Francisco has really long hair, is holding a guitar, and has a small dog on his lap. Puck expounds upon his theory of the show. Apparently, the show's quality rose from New York to Los Angeles to San Francisco, and then started going downhill with London, and Miami took "a big nosedive." Okay, so he's right, but I was interested to hear what he thought of the recent seasons. ["I'm sure he hasn't been able to afford cable since 1996." -- Wing Chun] I would argue that things picked up with Seattle and haven't looked back since. Puck's little dog growls at the camera. Least responsible dog owner: Jacinda or Puck?
Montage of the opening credits of all nine seasons. John Norris walks into a studio and calls the show "a cultural icon." Oh, John. First of all, the hair. Or should I say the "hair," because that stuff on his head is clearly not of human origin. And then there's the outfit. He's wearing this blue, ribbed v-neck sweater, which isn't bad, but then he's got a J.C. Penney suit coat on over it with padded shoulders that just serves to make him look scrawnier than he is. Cue the montage of various people arriving at their respective houses, from Eric arriving in New York to Nathan and David arriving in Seattle, and everything in between. John Norris voice-overs that the show has "chronicled a generation: black, white, gay, straight, artists, musicians, poets, bike messengers." We see various shots of different seasons to illustrate those points, but they are coming fast and furious now, and I'm sure you can figure it out. Then there's a montage set to music: Teck and Ruthie jumping naked into the pool, Neil getting his tongue bitten off, Cynthia snorkeling, Julie "rapping," Ruthie drinking and drinking and drinking and nearly dying, Lindsay finding out about Suicide Bill, Irene crying, and Pedro taking his temperature.
Time for the Boston montage. It begins with that annoying confessional from the end of the season where Syrus was rapping, and Montana and Elka were wearing bike helmets, and Sean was useless. Puck tells us that he never saw Syrus in the house during the season. Syrus claims that he was "out getting [his] party on," and that we would have done the same thing. Puck then claims that Syrus has "a big old head." And that's it for Boston. Seriously, they only showed that confessional and a quick clip of the roommates having dinner together.
So we move on to Seattle. Various roommates do an air check for the radio station where they worked. Puck claims that the Seattle cast had a cool house and lame people. Back at the photo shoot, New Orleans Matt continues his campaign of annoyance, this time taking out Stephen. Matt claims that the only episode of the Seattle season he saw was when Stephen slapped Irene. Stephen laughs and says they ran the show "fifteen or sixteen times." Or more. Puck is upset that Stephen didn't get kicked out. Join the club. Rebecca says that everyone remembers her as being on the season where the guy slapped the girl. Rebecca wishes that people would get over it. But if they get over that incident, then they will get over her as well. Perhaps she should rethink it. Also, Rebecca's head still looks like an egg.
These montages get more and more lame as they go on. Hawaii is introduced by showing people looking around the house and being amazed. Basically, instead of trying to put together a montage that, I don't know, represented the season in some way, it seems that the editors just looked for footage that supported whatever Puck was spouting off at the time. Puck says that the Hawaii season had "arguably the best house, because it's in Hawaii." Puck continues, "Ruthie? Can I get drunk on TV? Please?" I don't even know what that means. Is he complaining that Ruthie got famous for getting drunk, and anyone can get drunk? I don't know.
What would you think they would show from New Orleans? Julie crying? Julie chasing Matt around? Mardi Gras? No. We get Jamie and Julie mud wrestling. Puck says that he "almost likes it." Well, I'm sure they will all rest better knowing that they have Puck's blessing. Suddenly, all my cats get up and leave the room, hissing and snarling the whole way. Is there a tornado coming? What? Oh, God no! It's David, singing that song. I have some smart cats. Kelley gets a chance to refute Puck's statements, and she tells a story about the first time she met Puck. Apparently, he walked up to her and told her that he just crapped his pants in the elevator. I have no comment on that. What can I say?
John Norris voice-overs that there have been nine seasons and one hundred ninety-one episodes, as well as sixty-six cast members, and that each one of them is remembered for something different. Here's the weirdest thing about this photo shoot. They are doing small group photos in addition to the one with everyone in it. So, sure -- they want to have pictures of each cast, and maybe one with like Sean and Rachel, or people who were on the Challenge together. But some of the groupings make no sense. The one they just showed was London Mike, Kameelah, and Jason. Anyway, some of the cast members tell us how they are remembered. Flora says she is a bitch. New Orleans Matt says he has pretty lips. Okay, first of all, I did not need to be reminded of that whole incident. And second of all, no one but Julie thinks that. Syrus tells us that he's a player. L.A. Irene is the mom. Nathan says he gets asked every day whether he's with Stephanie. Well, maybe if you hadn't talked non-stop during your season about the fact that the two of you would be together forever, you wouldn't get those questions. So, suck it up. L.A. David tells us that people on the street thank him for keeping it real. I'd like to venture a guess that no one has ever approached him on the street and said that, except in his obviously rich fantasy life.
New Orleans Julie, Jon, and Elka are having a "virgin Christian conference." Why wasn't New Orleans Matt invited? Wait, I don't want to know the answer to that question. In an interview, Elka says that she is absolutely "still a virgin." She says it wasn't hard while she was on the show, but it's "harder for [her] now because [she's] very close to Walter, and [they're] engaged." Aw, just do it. Julie cheers their engagement and says it's "such a happy ending." Jon points out that she was following their relationship on television, which she totally wasn't, since she claims that she never saw MTV before going on the show. Elka says she's proud she's come this far and she's not compromising for anything.
Over in another room, there is a mini-conference featuring Kevin, Kameelah, and Neil. I have no idea what the common thread is supposed to be here. Some people on the forums suggested that they are the smart ones, which works, I guess. I'm surprised none of the Seattle academians were invited. Neil says that he's only remembered for getting his tongue bitten off. Kevin admits that's what he remembers. Neil has dark hair here, even though it was blond at the photo shoot, so I have no idea what the chronology is supposed to be. Kameelah asks to see Neil's tongue, but he refuses. Instead, we get a flashback to Neil showing Jacinda his disgusting tongue. Neil points out that it's been six years, and he's got a job and a kid. A kid? Cut to Neil walking into the photo shoot (suddenly blond again) holding an adorable little girl. Neil says his life now has nothing to do with the show. Kevin agrees, saying that if people recognize him for the show, he corrects them, saying that he's the writer of four books and umpteen magazine articles. And while I can see his point, that's kind of a rude thing to say to someone you've just met. ["Kevin? Rude? I don't believe it." -- Wing Chun]
Kelley, Danny, and Becky get their picture taken. See what I mean about the groups? In an interview, Kelley says that no one remembers her from her season because she was barely there. New Orleans Matt's campaign of annoyance continues as he walks up to Eric and Kevin and tells them that when "[he] was twelve, [he] knew you guys like you wouldn't believe." He goes on to show how he imitated Eric on The Grind and did stomach crunches to be abs like Eric's. I think pre-teen Matt was a little too interested in Eric's stomach, if you know what I mean. Kevin and Eric feign polite interest, but Matt is just a dork, and he soon runs away.
Eric and New Orleans Melissa talk to the camera, but instead of showing us the camera they are talking to, we get this weird side perspective, like we are supposed to be watching them cut a promo, but listening to the promo at the same time. I don't know. Anyway, they read some scripted banter, which I'll bet Eric needs, but they should just let Melissa ad lib, because it would be funnier. Melissa makes fun of Eric for hosting The Grind and we see a flashback Eric in all his spandex-clad glory. I think it's his workout tape, though, and not the actual show. Eric returns the favor, reminding everyone of Melissa's striptease in New Orleans. Anyway, the point of all this is to introduce the top five greatest moments in Real World history, as chosen by online fans. Except that the choices weren't all that great to start out with, as we all discussed in the forums. Anyway, Melissa pretends like she's going to reveal one of the moments and Eric "stops" her, and it's all very, very sad.
Back at the party, Cynthia talks to Kevin, who gives her a big hug. A very drunk Rebecca asks Miami Dan to marry her. New Orleans Julie does a confessional with her (actually pretty cute) boyfriend, Josh. Kevin tells Cynthia that he's still single and I think they should just hook up already. Julie and Josh start kissing. Get the hose! Sharon drinks a Cosmopolitan. Flora, Kameelah, and New Orleans Melissa get their freak on. Dan interviews Elka about her engagement. Elka had really long hair in her Christian mini-summit, and now it's shoulder-length. I'm so confused. Anyway, Elka says they got engaged over Christmas in Dublin, and the wedding will probably be summer. I can't believe they've been together five years, and they're waiting a year and a half to get married. And she's still claiming virginity. Kelley and Peter do a confessional where Kelley says they are madly in love, and Peter says that they are talking about marriage. Kelley seems surprised, but excited, to hear this news. Elka reveals to Dan that even though she said she had known Walter for a week when her season began, she had really only known him for three days. Dan makes fun of her for thinking that a week sounds so much better than three days. Someone, possibly Sean, gives Montana a big hug. Where's Rachel? Dan talks to Neil about his little girl, who is named Scarlett and is seventeen months old. Clearly, Neil thinks he is a rock star, because only rock stars give their children names like Scarlett. Neil is once again blond. In the confessional, Josh prompts Julie to start crying, since she always did in confessionals. Heh. Dan asks Neil how his tongue is feeling. Neil replies, "It's much better with this cool, refreshing taste of Pepsi in my mouth." Best line of the reunion.
odd photo grouping: New Orleans Matt, Miami Dan, and L.A. David. Puck belches. In an interview, Puck says that most of the people who do the show see their "fame or their notoriety" fade a season or two later, but that his hasn't faded. I don't know if that's true. I guess it's true that he's the most famous Real World alumnus, but would you rather be famous for being an asshole, or not famous at all? I guess Puck chooses the former when most of us would choose the latter. Puck calls himself "the king of reality TV." Whatever makes him go away the fastest.
Another weird photo grouping: Kaia, Andre, and Kevin. John Norris voice-overs that "the Real World cast members are celebrities, and so are some of their biggest fans." Cut to Leah Remini from King of Queens saying that she loves the show. Kim Coles (most notably from Living Single) says she liked Puck because he was real. David Allen Grier says that Ruthie "deserves a Real World Oscar." Cut to Ruthie stripping on a table. Wyclef Jean says he thought the show was fake at first, but then he found out it was real. We see Heather giving Eric a beating. One of the members of 3LW loved the New Orleans season and loved Melissa. Cut to Melissa drunkenly telling Jamie to grab her buttocks. Leah Remini loves Flora, because she was "a spicy little one," and Dan was "always talking." Cut to Dan calling Melissa a bitch for opening his envelope. David Alan Grier wonders where they find these people. Lil' Kim likes the houses they all lived in. This leads to a montage of all the houses from London on, because the houses before that kind of sucked. Ricki Lake tells us that "you couldn't beat San Francisco" because they had the best cast and the best dynamic in the house. Cut to Pedro telling Puck that he's leaving the house, which we already saw. Wilson Cruz (Rickie from My So-Called Life, among other roles) says that seeing Pedro be out and passionate made him feel more comfortable with who he is. Mandy Moore says something really dumb, and it's really not worth transcribing, because she's just an MTV shill anyway and who cares about her?
Back at the photo shoot, Nathan tells Lindsay that he was backstage at a concert, and Method Man recognized him. Mohammed says that Patti Labelle said she loved him. New Orleans Matt asks Stephen whether Chris Rock made fun of him. Stephen corrects him, saying that Chris Rock "gave [him] props." Matt gives us the quote: "Seattle hasn't seen that much violence since Stephen bitchslapped Irene." Yeah, I don't think that's "props." Matt and Stephen chuckle over hitting people, because I guess that's funny. L.A. Irene says that inmates recognize her more than anyone. She tells Jon that she had Puck in custody once. Puck says that he yelled to her and the other cops told him to shut up.
John Norris tells us that over thirty-five thousand people sent in tapes to be on the tenth season. So now, we're going to hear from some of them about why they applied. A redhead says that when you watch the show, you feel like you know the people. Flashback to New Orleans, and Melissa and Julie discussing black people and BYU. A blonde chick says that she learned about Mormons from the show, and that it opens people's eyes to things they don't encounter in real life. Flashback to New Orleans when Danny and Matt discussed Danny's sexuality. A black girl says that she really admired Kameelah's strength. Flashback to Kameelah telling some guys they are rude for saying "psst psst" to her. Then comes my favorite part. This really stoned-looking girl talks about how Ruthie was an inspiration to her. Ruthie inspired this girl to drink until she had to be taken to the hospital? Flashback to unconscious Ruthie, and Ruthie saying that you have to decide for yourself whether or not to drink.
Andre talks to Jamie and Kelley, telling them that he "hated Real World," and now he can't watch reality television. Kelley asks why, and Andre says that it changed his life and it makes him uncomfortable. I think Andre actually has a good head on his shoulders -- it makes sense to me that people from the first season would be especially uncomfortable with the whole thing. Lindsay PSAs something about making a difference in people's lives by being on the show, like shut up, Muppet. Go hit a tanning bed. This segues into footage from the various casts going on speaking tours around the country, including Lindsay talking about suicide.
This segues into teachers using the show in classrooms. Hey! That's the Hall of Languages at Syracuse University! I went there. Now I know why Jessica gets so excited when they show UCLA during the L.A. season. You know what's funny, though? The part totally didn't take place in the Hall of Languages, but that's the most scenic one on campus. Just a little insider tidbit for you. Also, it was really cold that day, and sleeting out. In case you were wondering.
Cut to my nemesis, Professor Robert Thompson, talking to a group of his students. Why is he my nemesis? Because he gets quoted in every article about television, ever. Seriously, the time you read an article about popular television, and they have an expert quote, see if it's him. Salon even did a story about him. He's ubiquitous. Anyway, he says that the show is something kids hide from their parents, which I don't think is true. Flashback to Julie in New Orleans, dealing with her creepy dad. Professor Thompson says that the show has done something unique in storytelling. Yeah -- totally screwed up any semblance of continuity or sense. Professor Thompson says that the show deals with issues through storytelling. Some girl in his class says that Pedro is the only person with HIV that she knew, even though she realizes that she never really knew him. Another student says that the cast members' reactions were realistic. Professor Thompson says that they talk about the "characters" as friends. Pet peeve: when people refer to the people on this show as "characters," as if it were a sitcom. I'm just saying. Professor Thompson says that his students' political viewpoints were shaped by the show. God, I hope not. I don't have a problem with people's being introduced to certain issues by the show. I think that's pretty realistic, especially for teenagers who don't live in a big city. But to take what the show tells you and use it to make decisions about your own political and social viewpoints? Scary. If I did that, I'd think that people with Lyme disease were crazy, and that it's okay to hit someone as long as you get therapy afterward. I don't think the people on this show should be role models for anyone.
Beth A. tells Mohammed that, when she was on the show, she would lie and say she was going to bed early, and then when the camera crews left, she would sneak out. She would never get away with that today. Mohammed says that he would invite the crew into places like his African dance class, where the crew would get kicked out. Puck says that he farted on a camera guy's head one time.
Now it's time for the Puck segment, and I so don't care. In an interview, Dan says that Puck is great one-on-one, but that when he gets onstage, "The Puck" comes out. At the photo shoot, Puck calls New Orleans Matt a rookie, and Matt says, "You can see yourself to the door." I hate Puck, but I really wish he would punch Matt right now. Instead, he sasses him back. Tough guy. Syrus says that Puck speaks how he feels, and Syrus admires that, but Puck doesn't know when to speak certain ways. At the photo shoot, Kameelah gets into a fight with Puck, and a bunch of people hold them apart. I bet Kameelah would kick Puck's ass.
John Norris voice-overs that there is conflict on the show, but that it has also sparked romance. First up: Janet and Jason hooking up on the Challenge. is Amaya and Colin's "on-again off-again romance during the Hawaii season." We're reminded for about the thousandth time that Pam and Judd are engaged. Then John Norris refers to Sean and Rachel's progeny as "the first all Real World baby." Ew. We see footage of Rachel, Sean and the baby from the 2000 reunion, and an interview from the same era. It's the one where Sean had his arm through Rachel's in the most unnatural pose ever. They discuss letting their daughter watch the show, and it's really boring. Who cares about their kid? I don't care about either of them. Why would I care about the baby? Sean says that Rachel dated "Uncle Puck," and Rachel denies it. Puck says that "Rachel landed herself the ultimate husband" because "he's a lumberjack and he's a lawyer." I have stopped listening when Puck comes on the screen.
Eric and Melissa are back to introduce the #2 greatest moment in Real World history. Stephen says something dumb, and it makes me sick that he is getting so much attention for slapping Irene. Because "The Slap" (to which we've already linked) is the #2 moment. There's some footage from the Reunion 2000 where Stephen apologizes to anyone who's been affected by the negativity in his life. Notice that he's still not accepting the blame.