By DeAnn Welker
Remember how this show jumped ahead five years at the end of last season? That's just about all you need to know as this season begins, since it's sort of like starting all over.
First up, we have Susan in the hospital having Mike's baby, while Lila Dash (who?) was giving birth to a daughter in delivery room B. And then Susan and Lila's paths continue to cross over the years: as they leave the hospital, at the veterinarian's office, in the bleachers at a baseball game, in the park. But they never met. Until one night when Susan took Mike out for their anniversary and Susan Delfino and Lila Dash "finally ran into each other." As in, car crash. Oh, Mary Alice. So clever with the voiceovers.
Then we see a bloody Lila with her face on the steering wheel. And Mike thrown from the car, also bloody. Susan's ear-piercing "Miiiiiike!" takes us into condensed credits.
We're back with Mary Alice, taking us through a much quicker version of everyone else's past five years: Mrs. McCluskey looking at a photo of a much younger version of herself. Lynette with cancer bandana and naughty tweens turns into cancer-free Lynette with her two teens. Bree the caterer becomes Bree the successful catering business owner. Gaby the sexpot becomes Gaby the slightly overweight mother of two chubby girls.
We get a terrible sequence in which Gaby tries to buy a princess dress for her daughter (who is four and a half, for those keeping track), but nothing fits. The rude saleswoman tells Gaby they don't make anything bigger, because they don't make princess dresses for girls over seven. She should try the costume shop and look for a Mrs. Shrek dress. Which, come now: I know plenty of eight-year-olds who have been princesses. Gaby really needs to stop shopping where they discriminate against the non-anorexic. I'm just saying. Also, she should punch that lady in the face. At least Gaby does call the woman out, blaming the store. And then you hear the dress rip, and Gaby changes her tune: Just ring it up.
Bree's apparently Martha Stewart now (wasn't she always?), with Andrew as business manager. She's being photographed baking pies for her cookbook, but the photographer wants her to express surprise at her perfect pie. Bree: "Well, that's no surprise. My pies are always perfect." At least some things haven't changed in the past five years. She's very difficult, and the photographer is an ass who keeps calling her "Sweetie." She takes a break and tells Andrew to tell the ass that if he calls her "Sweetie" again she will take his camera and photograph his colon. She storms off. Andrew: "You got that, right?" Heh.
Mike and MJ come downstairs, and she tells MJ to have fun with his daddy and his dinosaur book. Mike tells her to have a good weekend, and asks if she's doing anything special. She tells him she's sort of started seeing someone and might do something with him. Mike, always the gentleman, says, "Good for you."
Susan goes to a drawer and pulls out a picture of her little family (Susan, Mike, MJ) as Mary Alice starts talking about how quickly life goes by, and how we're left to ask ourselves "How could he have left me?" (Susan) "When did my beauty start to fade?" (Gaby) "Why has my friend changed?" (Bree, looking at Katherine) "Was I the best mother I could have been?" (Lynette). But some people understand how quickly time passes, which is why they're so determined to get what they want before it's too late. This one is Dave, lying awake in bed to a sleeping Edie. His phone rings and he picks it up and walks out of the room.
"Dr. Heller. I've been meaning to call you." The doctor on the other end says he was getting concerned. "You're required to check in once a month. It was a condition of your release." Dave says that was a year ago, but the meds are working so well he kind of forgot about him. The doctor says, "Dave. Once a month. Not optional." Dave says he gets it, but that the doctor seriously doesn't need to worry about him. He's great. And he'll talk to him again in a month. The doctor then turns on a monitor at his desk, and sees Dave being interviewed in what looks like an empty room. Dave asks what are the magic words he needs to say to get out of here. Doctor says he's been there a month and doesn't seem any closer to coming to terms with his rage. Dave says he's come to terms with it and likes it just the way it is. Dr. Heller says the charges were dropped because he agreed to put himself into a doctor's care, and that he won't release him until he sees some real progress. He needs to be sure Dave's not a danger to himself or others. Dave says he's never been a danger to himself "and, as far as the others are concerned, there's only one person who should be worried." Cut to Dave picking up the paper in his purple robe, looking down Wisteria Lane. Okay, so who is the person? I am sure you will all be much better at speculating than I am, so I won't even try yet.
week: Lies. Secrets. Betrayals. And the Dave mystery gets even juicier. Well, one would hope.
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