Paula claps like a seal and smiles wetly, Simon and Ryan immediately have the first of many heavy moments, causing Randy's automatic Brokeback panic laugh, and the women watch boredly as Simon intones that the men should strive for originality. Boy, is he going to regret that shit. So shall we all. What does Paula want? Both "unique" and "different," you see. Again: be careful what you ask for. Ryan asks Randy to put himself in the shoes of the performers tonight, and he describes the ladies last night as having brought it, dude. He starts yelling about how the guys better similarly bring it, because whatever, whatever, this is stupid, because they're not competing against the women tonight, no matter how you look at it. So instead, I will tell you that my favorite albums this week are "Has A Good Home" by Final Fantasy, and "Thunder Lightning Strike" by The Go! Team. Yes, still. Don't get fresh. I've been listening nonstop to Belinda Carlisle's back catalog for the last month solid so this is actually a Neil Armstrong kind of step toward righting my...
Did I time that out perfectly or what? So we watch the journey of the men, where they audition, get through to Hollywood, sing in groups and alone, sit in the chair, yadda yadda. Ace got the shakes and the high voice, Elliot crossed his fingers cutely, Bucky was a fool, Gedeon believes he can fly, Kevin was twitchy and Paula threatened to "squish" him, Will made a funny face in a group hug, Taylor fucking played his fucking harmonica, Gedeon talked crazy, Elliott cried he was so happy, the end. The camera pans past them all on the stage and they all smile hugely, and Taylor again leans dramatically to the side for no reason. What a character! What an original!
Patrick (Who? I know, right?) chats with Ryan in the Royal Crown room and Ryan's got the ultimate two-buckle metro shoes happening and he's up Patrick's nose about how he needs to "bring it" and how Ryan needs him to "shake that." We flash back to his audition, where he somehow looked ten times better. It's the hair -- they've flat-ironed it like the top of his head, only, lives in 2002. Before, when his hair was like regular people hair and he didn't have the vagrant goatee, he looked much more presentable. Now he looks gawky and a little pervy. I also used to like his voice. At one point, Simon told him that he had a certain "Clay Aiken" to him, "but [was] likeable." That's funny, dude. Not only because "bagging on Clay" is the new "cracking on From Justin To Kelly," but also because it's the first example of many potshots the judges are determined to take at everybody your recappers hated in the past tonight. Like a late Valentine, to those of us at home for it. Patrick is going to sing "Come To My Window," by Melissa Etheridge, and immediately goes to a Nadia place in his one-on-one, telling us of the song that he definitely "connects with the angst and desperation, if you will, of really falling in love and just needing to be to that person." If you will. Patrick wants to help Simon overcome the Clay comparison and "give him something to think about." ["You know I love Pat like crazy, but how exactly is blending the gender lines by singing a song by the world's foremost lesbian rocker in a style reminiscent of Sominex going to make you not like Clay, honey?" -- Joe R] I wish he'd try harder to give any of us anything to think about, because he is powerfully boring for being so very likeable.
Randy calls the whole thing "very unexpected," which, like: how could you know that was going to happen? He says it's a very good song choice, and I can't disagree except for the "song" part of that sentence. He applauds Gedeon's energy, and his Jackie Wilson moves, but notes that this is a singing competition, and there was no singing in that song. "I was absolutely entertained…almost about to jump up!" Paula, of course, "actually did jump up." She calls it a "great surprise" and a "throwback to some great performers," and goes on to say that "It's in [his] soul and beaming out of [him]." Whatever the hell that means. Simon calls it a "warm-up for the Chippendales or something," and Randy awesomely starts yelling for Ryan. This causes Simon to grin cutely and coyly for a second before explaining that it was an analogy. He goes on to say that Gedeon's smile bothers him, but he can't explain why -- just shakes all over with the willies. Ryan comes in and they get into a huge screaming match about which of them loves the Chippendales more, all "You're so gay!" "No, you are the gay one!" "Well, you're gayer than me!" "You macraméed hotpants!" and it's ugly. Things get pretty intense before -- of all people -- Paula gets them back on track. Ryan and Simon are both entirely pissed (at one point Ryan looks about one second from literally drawing a finger across his throat), but Simon chills out first and Ryan is forced to play nice. They laugh about Gedeon's inability to stop smiling, and Ryan fake-smiles along with him. I feel for Ryan, but he was asking for it by bringing the Chippendales thing back up in the first place. I don't like to see all their stuff like that.
Ryan calls Elliott a "rebel" because he doesn't do the whole "may-mee-moh-my-mee" thing like the other guys, and Elliot admits that he sticks to just singing when he's warming up. He looks bad all the time. Tired. I wish I could buy him a spa weekend because there's nothing unfixable about him. He's technically cute, and he's got such a lovely vocal tone. We see him again, in the audition, all the judges leaning around looking satisfied, and then in Hollywood, he reminds us, he was "stuck with one of the [Brittenum] twins." Brief shot of Anthony! And then flashback to Randy telling him he was the best of the whole group. Elliott explains that "If You Really Love Me" by Stevie Wonder is one of his favorite songs in the world, and then says something I find desperately touching, for some reason: "I love to sing it at karaoke back home, I get a lot of requests for it." I can't tell you why that's so sad to me, or why it makes me love him so much, but it's like: big dreams. Like you can picture him, any of them, actually going to karaoke and blowing the roof off and people going, "That was really good!" but it's still karaoke, you know? Just like this show. So anyway, because this is a song that he sings back home, he's representing by singing it here.
Ryan fake-laughs about how "emotions are running high" and then admits to feeling "a bit plain" sitting to Ace on the couch in the Red Room. Back in the auditions, Ace had some very straight hair -- which contributed muchly to the Scott Petersen thing -- and he looks much better in Hollywood and now. Back in Hollywood, he looked very much like he was in pain, and sounded very whiny in the brief clip we see, but Simon loved him, because he is going to win. Ace tells us he loves "Father Figure" by George Michael, and I didn't hear the rest at first because I was screaming and disturbed. It's like the creepiest song ever. But what he said was that it's an "amazing pop ballad with deep R&B soulful roots" and one that he's loved ever since he was a kid. I'm fairly certain that this will suck.
It starts out with the clap and kick drum gospel breakdown part, and then he sings. This is...there is a grossness. There is no reason this should be acceptable. The song starts, and I feel like they should turn down the lights because he's making sex faces and it's weird with the lights so bright. Also, his hair is doing a weird Lewis Carroll thing on one side. He has all these feelings and strong emotions and from one very specific angle he looks exactly like the not-really-attractive Anson Mount. Then something happens, and his voice is really good, and I like it. There's a way in which he's doing this where you can actually ignore the grossness of the song, and the intense staring into the camera, and all the bullshit that's happening right now. I think it has to do with Ace actually being the boy version of Lisa Tucker, like this performance-bot that just turns it on and off with ease, so right now he's performing this song, and doing what it takes, and then he can go back to being a normal guy. At the end of the song, he stares into the camera for a long time. We shouldn't even have to recap his performances this season: "Ace Young turns in another show-winning performance and eventually becomes the American Idol."
Randy tells him he definitely is a star, and is good with the cameras and "working the room," and again hits the Constantine button, I guess so we won't get confused. "We had some performers on, in the last couple years, that thought they were working the room, and the girls..." Simon starts giggling. "That whole thing, but they just were faking it, dude! They see you really got it going on! Plus, the most important thing: you can really sing! Oh my God! Check it, right? Star, and can sing. I'm loving you!" Randy is so great sometimes. I wonder who else he's talking about? Justin maybe? I don't...I suddenly don't remember anybody that's ever been on this show. Where's my phone? Cut to Ace's repulsive brother in the audience, looking like Jared Leto with his dirty teeth and fratting his tongue out. ("I think Ace is hot, but my self-esteem issues and/or gaydar are telling me that I cannot have him. Wait, he has a vastly less-attractive brother with poor hygiene? What a hottie!") Paula talks drunkenly about how we can't vote yet, but that her girlfriends -- and guy friends! -- are going to be voting like bagels for him. She pulls her eyes wide open with her fingers for a second, then almost falls asleep on the desk. Something chemical just kicked in. Could be pharmaceutical, could be hormonal. Simon says that two of the guys have out-sung him, but that Ace's "X Factor" will set him apart, once he eases up on the nerves. He's still shaking, by the way. Simon congratulates him on his "brilliant choice of song," and for a while I was like, "Huh?" but now I guess I agree. It certainly puts him in an edgier category than any of the other songs, and also signifies that the show itself is removing a few minor limits on what can and cannot go on. I'm pleased with it on that level. Plus it was awesome. Simon assures him he'll "sail to the round," and that it was "really, really good."
Ryan asks if he knew how he was, per Simon, doing onstage. Ace says he felt good, but that he had his "girls" behind him, indicating the Kitty Pound, and the awesome band playing and the backup singers. Ryan asks him -- as he's sure all of voting America would surely request -- to do the staring into the camera some more. He obliges with a friendly, un-self-conscious stare into the camera. It's not the "eye-fuck," as Constantine's predations were so charmingly christened, so it's not septic, but it's just...I don't see the problem. There's no problem. Hand me my phone! No, kidding, I just -- he's a nice kid, and a nice-looking kid, and clearly doesn't have a lot invested in the fact that he's gorgeous, because it's nothing that spectacular to have that handed to you. So there's no desperation behind it, just "it seems to produce a positive effect when I make my face go like this," and so he does it, and it produces the desired effect. Ryan laughs, Simon laughs, Ace giggles and has a million teeth.
Simon reminds Taylor how he said in the beginning that he didn't think Taylor should make the Finals, but then admits -- having taken a big old whiff of Taylor's fan base -- that he was wrong. Paula hugs him, he hates it, Taylor spazzes out. "You're interesting, and we've had some absolute horrors in the competition over the years." He says that he likes Taylor because he's "just into the singing," because he "absolutely love[s] it." I think what Taylor's into is Taylor, but I do admit that he loves singing. "I've had more positive feedback on you than anyone else so far, just from people who watch the show." Bingo. Ryan comes onstage and Hicks yells some stupid nonsense at Ryan and tells him that "if music's in your heart, you feel it, play it, sing it, perform it -- bust your buns doing it, and that's what it's all about." The crowd goes absolutely shitbird nuts at this, for some reason, setting off another chain reaction inside Taylor Hicks, who screams some more. ["'Buns'? Cram it, Hicks, for serious." -- Sars] Ryan admits, to his chagrin and mine, that he's completely lost control of the situation and has no idea what's even going on at this point, as everybody's screaming and acting a mess, so he just jumps around with Taylor Hicks, doing a very good impression of Taylor Hicks, which is not that hard for anybody who has seen either of the After School Specials where Helen Hunt does PCP, or what they call "angel dust" out there on the street.
Now there's an original. Tomorrow: Results! Who will stay and who will go? week: Same crap, only I get the girls, Joe gets the guys, and I do the results show. And after that, everything settles down for the last round of quadliminations, and we get our Top 12! Yeah!