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Kabletown execs, including honcho Hank Hooper, are going to tour, so Jack needs everyone to be normal -- in other words, "Don't be yourselves." But Hank's all about equality and listening to the people at the bottom, even Lutz. He forces Jack to spend a whole day listening to anyone's ideas, including bad ones from . Frank, Pete, Kenneth, Dot Com and Griz. But when Jack's idea for voice activation doesn't work, he blurts out Kenneth's idea about having a black bar at the bottom of the screen to cover up anything dirty. He tells Kenneth what he did, and Kenneth is totally fine with it, which of course makes Jack upset because he just cannot figure out that crazy page. All the execs, of course, love the "BlahBar," causing Jack to trap Kenneth in an elevator and yell at him. He practically forces Kenneth to take something to him or hurt him, then makes him punch him with no retaliation. But his instincts kick in and he takes Kenneth down, and gets no relief. So Jack tells Hank it was Kenneth's idea and then tries to resign. But Hank won't let him, because now he knows Jack's a good guy. Hank makes Jack give Kenneth a hug for this, and then he realizes Hank and Kenneth are the same person. Jack's world is a scary place.
Meanwhile, Avery's hiding her pregnancy on air (thanks to Michael Kors and his latest fashion style, wizard capes), so when she's caught at a baby store with Liz by a competing anchor, Liz pretends she's preggo. The news of course spreads, from Carmen (the anchor, played by Vanessa Minnillo), to Brian Williams, to Frank, to the whole building, basically. Carmen's trying to call Liz's bluff by telling her she's going on a fake news story about pregnant women in their 40's. But, because Jack's job is going so bad -- he doesn't know if he can work at a place where everyone is treated equally -- so Avery really needs the job she and Carmen are competing for. When Carmen ambushes Liz in her office with some interview questions, Liz aces the test until Carmen asks if she's pregnant. Liz says no. Busted! But not quite, because there's a pregnancy photo shoot first. Liz doesn't stop, and instead oils up her belly and scares Carmen away. Avery gets the job, so she and Jack will name the baby after her.
Also caught up in the merger drama are Jenna and Tracy, because Kabletown sent over a basket of stuff for them. There were two computers and fancy watches, so they were happy. But only one ugly gray Kabletown sweatshirt, which they spent the episode fighting over, only because they are needy egomaniacs. They go to Liz for resolution, and she gets to play the pregnancy card to get them to get the hell out and leave the sweatshirt in the garbage. Then Pete brings her double the food since she's eating for two. Dude, this is perfect for Lemon. When Tracy and Jenna learn the truth, they want to punish her, so she gives them the nude-ish pregnancy photos, theirs to keep as punishment. Jack, Jenna and Tracy all marvel at the horrific images.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Inside 30 Rock, Lemon's directing a TGS scene when Jack barges in and interrupts, asking them to "gather up" - everyone, even the robot. He lets them know that Hank Hooper, the owner of Kabletown, will be touring today so he needs them to be their most normal. Lame Tracy joke (he thinks dinosaurs come from "the underwater city of Syronocon). Less lame Jenna joke (when asked to get all her crazy out now, she shrieks at the guy to her about volumizing her hair). Lamest Frank joke (his "armpit thing" is almost touching his "thigh thing.") He reminds them not to be themselves, and then asks Lemon to meet him in his office. She wonders if he needs sex advice, and offers this tip: "Sometimes a woman likes to leave her blazer on." He rightly walks away. Kenneth presents Jenna and Tracy with a gift to the stars from Hank Hooper. They're all fake happy and fake into it, and fake enjoying the fact that there's two of everything in the box: two new Apple computers, two fancy watches. They're praising themselves for not fighting about anything anymore, until they get to the bottom of the box, where there is only one gray Kabletown hoodie. They pull on it until Tracy tells her he wants her to "selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world." She's so happy.
Jack's office. He wants Lemon to take Avery shopping "for baby things": a crib, small clothes, a tiny desk with a miniature pen set on it. Luckily, he adds that he doesn't know a lot about babies, but he's sure Avery would enjoy having another woman go with her. Lemon's cool with that, but surprised Avery wouldn't want to take her terrifying best friend. Jack says her sister's institutionalized for nerves (actually, for being a lesbian), and her work friends can't go because she's trying to keep her pregnancy a secret. That would seem tough at eight months along, but Jack pulled some strings with Michael Kors (they own a gay race horse together), and got him to make wizard capes fashionable for ladies this winter. Lemon: "It's my fault for asking!" Jack says the problem is that Avery's up for a new job (financial reporter for NBC Nightly News), and she won't get the job if anyone finds out she's pregnant. Lemon uses this as an opportunity to talk about her one-act play about men getting pregnant, The Seahorses of Warwickshire Abbey, but Jack continues that Avery has to keep her condition under wraps until her contract is signed. Unfortunately, her competition is Carmen Chao of MSNBC. Lemon asks what ethnicity she is anyway, and Jack says no one knows. Cut to a scene of Vanessa Minnillo doing a news report. She speaks perfect Spanish, Chinese (I don't speak it, but I'm assuming based on the name Chao), and Jamaican. Cut back to Jack telling Lemon that if Carmen finds out she'll destroy Avery. Carmen, he says, is very sneaky. "And that's not racist, because I don't know what she is." Lemon invites Jack to a new popcorn place for lunch, but he's going to the executive dining room to meet with Hank Hooper. He can't wait to shake his hand, since you can tell a lot about someone by their handshake. Lemon and Jack shake, and she says he's confident. He, in turn, says she ate dinner in front of the mirror last night. Lemon doesn't even try to deny it: "Carol's away a lot."
Executive dining room. When Jack goes in for that handshake, Hank hugs him. He says he's a hugger, and it's not really a hug unless it lasts ten seconds, with counting and everything. Jack calls him "Sir," and Hank says to just call him Hank. Frank, Lutz, and the boys come in and Jack asks what they're doing here, but Hank says it's okay, because Kabletown is family, so this is no longer the executive dining room; it's the everyone dining room. He welcomes everyone, and they all clap. Except Jack, who's horrified. People are wearing sandals in the executive dining room! Hank tells Jack how happy he is with the work he's done so far. Jack starts catching him up on what he's working on now, but Lutz interrupts and asks if he can sit with them. Hank lets him, and then tells Jack that the guy who came up with the idea for the DVR was a janitor named Carlos, so now Hank makes sure anyone who works here can pitch any idea they have one a month. Tomorrow will be Jack's day to listen to pitches, then report back to Hank, who says "I'll be the guy wearing the Bugs Bunny tie." Lutz wants Jack to wipe the green stuff off his lobster, and Hank encourages him to do it. This is getting way too weird.
Avery, in a wizard cape, baby-shops with Lemon, who's carrying a fake Prada bag, when Carmen Chao comes in and gives Avery a, "Que Sorpresa!?" Avery stiffens and wonders what Carmen's doing here. Carmen says she just loves babies: "their creepy little hands and the way they crawl fast like a rat monster." Then she wonders what Avery is doing here. Lemon pipes up that she's pregnant, and Avery's here with her, helping her decide what kind of baby megaphone (she picks up a breast-pump) to buy. She says that some guy jacked her and now his sperm is growing in her stomach. Carmen: "That's not how babies are made." Avery tries to get them out of there, but Carmen says she's working on a story about single mothers in their 40s, and she wants Lemon to be in it. Lemon agrees, and says Carmen can interview her at the new popcorn place. Carmen says no, they'll do it in Lemon's office, and Lemon's all, "Fine. I'll go to the popcorn place alone, even though all their advertising suggests it is a place for groups of friends to have a good time."
Back in the land of "Please be normal today," Jenna's admiring herself in the mirror while wearing her new Kabletown sweatshirt. Tracy comes in and fakes nice, but is all, "Good sweatshirt to you. How are you sweatshirting this sweatshirt?" He tells her he wants it back, and she says she can't take this away, like he did with the show and her grandmother's jewelry chest. He wonders if he was supposed to throw up in something of his?! Jenna says he gave her this sweatshirt, and he says he can take it back since he's the star, and if there's only one, the star should have it. He wants to hold it, so she runs off and says he'll never get it.
Kenneth tells Lemon that Carmen Chao called about an interview, and wonders if she's doing an expose on how feminism has led to a happiness crisis among educated women. Lemon says no, and it's nothing; she's going to call Jack and make it go away. Frank comes in wearing a "WET TACOS" hat, and says he was just in the everybody dining room sharing a table with "B-Dubs" (he's with Brian Williams, of course), and guess what B-Dubs told him? Brian Williams: "Okay. Gossip alert. According to my colleague Carmen Chao, our very own Liz Lemon is pregnant." Lemon gasps, and Jack, who's just arrived, asks if that isn't such wonderful news. "Lemon told me this morning. She got jacked, big time."
He pulls her aside and she asks WTHell is going on here. He thanks her for covering for Avery, and now she's part of this. And Carmen Chao is relentless, like a bloodhound, possibly literally since no one knows her genetic background. Lemon asks if she has to do this mom news story with Carmen. Jack says there is no news story; it's just Carmen trying to call Lemon's bluff. Lemon says it's called, because she's telling everyone that there's no way she could be pregnant since she's had her period for the last sixty-one days. She says it with so much satisfaction, but she must be miserable. Jack begs her to please help Avery, whose career has never been more important, since he doesn't know what's happening with this, what with the everyone dining room and memos with emoticons. He doesn't know if he has a future at a place like Kabletown. "I'm Jack Donaghy! Don Geiss gave me this watch for firing a man on his death bed." Lemon asks if he might leave, and Jack says he doesn't know if he can survive here, so he's asking her as a friend to fake being pregnant. Lemon gets upset, because when she invites him to a murder mystery party, he's all, "We're business colleagues," but now they're friends? She doesn
't know why she ever chose him as a friend. Jack: "Let's just be clear about this: I chose you." Lutz barges in and congratulates Lemon, and kisses her stomach. It's so gross. Then he tells Jack they have a pitch meeting later. Jack leaves, one can only assume to go jump off the Top of the Rock.
As instructed, Jack's listening his staff's horrible pitches. Because even when he thinks they're crazy, Jack's a company guy and he follows orders. Frank's is something about kung-fu with a mind-reading black chick sidekick. Pete wants something that switches from porn to basketball immediately for when the kids walk in. Griz and DotCom can't get their slideshow to work. Kenneth proposes making TV more suitable for children, Christians, and the elderly by putting a black bar on the lower half of the screen that keeps you from seeing nudity or soccer. Jack congratulates him on having the worst idea so far. Kenneth is thrilled.
Jenna and Tracy are each in half of the sweatshirt when they three-legged monster into Lemon's office to complain about each other. Pete comes in and tells them to lay off Lemon, who's pregnant. They're both excited and nice about it, even though Tracy's not interested in godfather duties and Jenna is going to need to eat the umbilical cord. They're very sorry for stressing her out, so they leave. She almost stops to tell them the truth, but then realizes the brilliance of everyone thinking she's pregnant, so she takes the sweatshirt and bosses them around some more. Then she tells Pete to get her four egg sandwiches (she is eating for two, after all).
Hank's checking in on Jack's progress on co-worker pitch day; Jack's not crazy about the results so Hank tells him about eating at an Indian restaurant, which seems like it's supposed to be a joke, but I don't get it. Anyway, Jack tells Hank he appreciates that he has his way of doing things, but Jack has his way, too. He says he's a "six sigma black belt ultra with the groin branding to prove it." Hank wonders if Six Sigma is the name of a rock band. Jack would like to share his own idea instead, hoping it will convince Hank that employee pitch day could be better spent drinking brandy and looking out the window. Hank appreciates Jack putting it on the line, so Jack makes his pitch: What if you didn't need a remote control, but could control the TV with just your voice? Brilliant! Jack says, "Television on. Channel NBC." It's Richard Belzer and Ice-T on Law & Order: SVU. Hank thinks it's pretty amazing. Until Ice-T says the word "off" and the TV shuts off. Jack turns it back on, and Belzer says "mute." It mutes. Jack unmutes it. Ice-T says "high volume" and the volume goes way up. Jack turns it back down. Then Belzer says "delete everything that's on my DVR" and it does that too. Hank tells Jack this doesn't seem to work, so he'd like to jump to employee ideas. Jack says he has another idea, but he steals Kenneth's about black bar at the bottom of the screen. Hank loves it, because he doesn't think children should see racy content such as soccer or a woman stuffing a turkey. He thinks it's a family idea, and they could sell ads in the black bar. Jack names it BlaBar (according to the captions). Hank hugs him and says he'll go far. Jack, who's still standing in front of the TV, says "crap" and it flips to Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Nicely done.
Jack finds Kenneth in the hall and confessed that he told Hank about the black bar concept, but that he presented it as his own idea. Kenneth thinks that's wonderful, and wants to move on to the topic. Jack tells Kenneth that he has him over a barrel and needs to do something about it, but Kenneth doesn't want to. Jack tells him that bosses always steal from employees, but the employees get something in return. Kenneth says Jack didn't steal anything from him, because best friends can't steal from each other. So not true, but then again, they're not best friends and Kenneth is a nutball. Kenneth tells Jack to stop being a Silly Simon, and leaves him standing sadly in the hallway. Jack yells after him that it doesn't work this way. "You're the one being a Silly Simon!" Tell him, Jack.
Carmen and a camera guy are in Lemon's office to do that interview about the single mothers in their 40s when Lemon shows up. Carmen says she thought she'd just ambush Lemon, and hopes she's not unprepared. Lemon lies that she's not at all, duh. Carmen grills her, rapid-fire:
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"When are you due?" "April 20th, Hitler's birthday."
"What's your pediatrician's name?" "Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath."
"Where was the baby conceived?" "In my vagina."
"What names are you considering?" "Rufus T. Barleysheath."
"How are you feeling?" "Oh, achy and nauseous, but I'm hanging in there."
"Are you pregnant?" "Noooo! ... Way that I'm not."
Carmen sends her cameraman away and tells Lemon she doesn't know why she's doing this for Avery. "She's a blond. Don't you know there's a war going on?" She wonders if she's actually doing it for Avery's old-man husband, who's Lemon's boss, isn't he? Lemon says that Jack means nothing to her and then overly dramatically says, "Shoot him in the throat and let the dogs eat him. I don't care." Carmen wonders what's wrong with Lemon (don't we all?), and Lemon says almost everything, but let's get back to the interview. Carmen says they're done with that and she'd like to take sexy pregnancy photos of her with a bare stomach. Lemon's not backing down: "Let's take some pictures."
Jack's office. Hank and a bunch of other execs are there (Hank is, indeed, the one with the Bugs Bunny tie). Jack presents the men with BlaBar. Two people's heads show with a bed in the background, while a bar below is filled with a "Kernel's Popcorn Place" ad. The people say, "You're really sexing me right now," etc., but they just look like they're standing to each other. The execs, of course, love it. They all clap and chant, "Jack! Jack! Jack!" Which sends Jack into a dither.
He catches Kenneth in the elevator later. When Kenneth starts to tell Jack a story ("One time, I saw a turtle...") Jack cuts in and asks who the hell he thinks he is. Then he pulls the elevator stop and tells him that this isn't how the world works: Bosses steal, and employees use it for leverage. He asks if Kenneth wants money, or a promotion, or into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny then you eat the bunny. Kenneth wonders, "Isn't that just Easter?" But Kenneth doesn't want anything. He's just happy to spend all day here, helping his work family. Jack realizes he now works for a man who thinks like Kenneth. Scary! Kenneth asks if Hank also solves mazes by starting from the end. Jack tells Kenneth to leverage this now, blackmail him, demand to sleep with Avery, hit him in the face. But Kenneth says best friends don't do that. Jack orders him to hit him, with no retaliation, and if he doesn't, he'll be fired. Kenneth tries not to, but Jack makes him. Then Jack does retaliate, by grabbing Kenneth and putting him in a chokehold until he passes out. Then Jack damns his own krav maga training and lightning reflexes. He leans over the passed-out Kenneth and begs for release from the "hillbilly Circe."
Lemon's totally into her "pregnancy" shoot, dancing around in her bra, calling herself "life" with the "glory of motherhood." She says Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking. Carmen tells her to just admit she's not pregnant, but Liz grabs some baby oil, so Carmen and her cameraman "Run!" Which amusingly doesn't stop Lemon from spreading on the oil and pooching up her tummy.
Jack's office. Hank stops by to say goodbye before heading back to Philadelphia on his own bus with a pool table in it (he doesn't fly). He tells Jack they can drive it to Branson together sometime and take in a Yakov Smirnoff show -- "Doesn't Russia sound like a crazy place?" Jack agrees, but says he'd like Hank to meet someone before he goes. He points out Kenneth, who's standing right to him. Hank tells Kenneth he didn't see him standing there: "You do not have a lot of charisma." Jack says Kenneth is the one who came up with the BlaBar idea. He apologizes for misleading Hank, and offers his letter of resignation. He says this is obviously not a good fit, but if Hank calls security to let him out, he should know that Jack has several pistols hidden on him. Hank laughs and says that no one's quitting. He's impressed Jack told him, what with his reputation as a shark. He says at Kabletown they're not sharks; they're more like whatever the friendliest fish is. He wasn't sure Jack was going to fit in, but this move tells him they're going to be just fine. Hank tells Kenneth that Jack should give him something for that idea, and Jack thanks him for that, and tells Kenneth "quid pro quo." Kenneth says he doesn't want anything, but Hank asks him about a hug. Kenneth does want that from Jack, so they hug. But Kenneth tells him it has to go on for ten seconds. Hank couldn't agree more, and acknowledges the "good huggin'" going on there.
Later, Lemon and Jack are watching Avery announce her new job as financial reporter. She asks Carmen about her new assignment, covering hurricanes. Oh, and Avery's out as a preggo. Jack shuts off the TV (with a real remote; this is Lemon's office, after all) and thanks Lemon. He says he owes her, so she tells him about a toilet pillow she's had her eye on. But he says that, actually, he and Avery want the baby's middle name to be Elizabeth, after Lemon. She tells him that's so gayballs. Then Tracy and Jenna come in to see if Lemon needs anything. She says she's actually not pregnant and was just pretending, to help Jack. Tracy: "Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real! It takes the same amount of time!" Jenna points out that Lemon lied to them and ordered them around like "a couple of normals." Tracy says she'll be punished for this, and asks for his nunchucks back. Lemon would rather call it even if she gives them leverage in the form of the naked "pregnancy" pictures of herself, to keep. Tracy and Jenna are horrified, and Jack can't believe she took her pants off.
Tag: Lutz is making a pitch about a channel that's just the sounds of people having a party so you can put it on when you call your parents. Some guy says his TV is a sunset. Lemon offers up a button you push on your remote to buy anything you see on TV -- like if you're watching Sex and the City and you just have to have Mr. Big's spaghetti. Jenna suggests executing someone live on TV, and points at the guy to her. Brian Williams says he pulls off his mask, and is a lizard person too. Blackout. End of episode. ...And blackout. End of episode. Perfect ending.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, wonders if this show is getting less funny, or if it's just her. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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