Episode Report Card DeAnn Welker: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Pregnancy Scare
By DeAnn Welker | Season 5 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.03.2011
"When are you due?" "April 20th, Hitler's birthday."
"What's your pediatrician's name?" "Dr. Rufus T. Barleysheath."
"Where was the baby conceived?" "In my vagina."
"What names are you considering?" "Rufus T. Barleysheath."
"How are you feeling?" "Oh, achy and nauseous, but I'm hanging in there."
"Are you pregnant?" "Noooo! ... Way that I'm not."
Carmen sends her cameraman away and tells Lemon she doesn't know why she's doing this for Avery. "She's a blond. Don't you know there's a war going on?" She wonders if she's actually doing it for Avery's old-man husband, who's Lemon's boss, isn't he? Lemon says that Jack means nothing to her and then overly dramatically says, "Shoot him in the throat and let the dogs eat him. I don't care." Carmen wonders what's wrong with Lemon (don't we all?), and Lemon says almost everything, but let's get back to the interview. Carmen says they're done with that and she'd like to take sexy pregnancy photos of her with a bare stomach. Lemon's not backing down: "Let's take some pictures."
Jack's office. Hank and a bunch of other execs are there (Hank is, indeed, the one with the Bugs Bunny tie). Jack presents the men with BlaBar. Two people's heads show with a bed in the background, while a bar below is filled with a "Kernel's Popcorn Place" ad. The people say, "You're really sexing me right now," etc., but they just look like they're standing next to each other. The execs, of course, love it. They all clap and chant, "Jack! Jack! Jack!" Which sends Jack into a dither.
He catches Kenneth in the elevator later. When Kenneth starts to tell Jack a story ("One time, I saw a turtle...") Jack cuts in and asks who the hell he thinks he is. Then he pulls the elevator stop and tells him that this isn't how the world works: Bosses steal, and employees use it for leverage. He asks if Kenneth wants money, or a promotion, or into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny then you eat the bunny. Kenneth wonders, "Isn't that just Easter?" But Kenneth doesn't want anything. He's just happy to spend all day here, helping his work family. Jack realizes he now works for a man who thinks like Kenneth. Scary! Kenneth asks if Hank also solves mazes by starting from the end. Jack tells Kenneth to leverage this now, blackmail him, demand to sleep with Avery, hit him in the face. But Kenneth says best friends don't do that. Jack orders him to hit him, with no retaliation, and if he doesn't, he'll be fired. Kenneth tries not to, but Jack makes him. Then Jack does retaliate, by grabbing Kenneth and putting him in a chokehold until he passes out. Then Jack damns his own krav maga training and lightning reflexes. He leans over the passed-out Kenneth and begs for release from the "hillbilly Circe."
Lemon's totally into her "pregnancy" shoot, dancing around in her bra, calling herself "life" with the "glory of motherhood." She says Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking. Carmen tells her to just admit she's not pregnant, but Liz grabs some baby oil, so Carmen and her cameraman "Run!" Which amusingly doesn't stop Lemon from spreading on the oil and pooching up her tummy.
Jack's office. Hank stops by to say goodbye before heading back to Philadelphia on his own bus with a pool table in it (he doesn't fly). He tells Jack they can drive it to Branson together sometime and take in a Yakov Smirnoff show -- "Doesn't Russia sound like a crazy place?" Jack agrees, but says he'd like Hank to meet someone before he goes. He points out Kenneth, who's standing right next to him. Hank tells Kenneth he didn't see him standing there: "You do not have a lot of charisma." Jack says Kenneth is the one who came up with the BlaBar idea. He apologizes for misleading Hank, and offers his letter of resignation. He says this is obviously not a good fit, but if Hank calls security to let him out, he should know that Jack has several pistols hidden on him. Hank laughs and says that no one's quitting. He's impressed Jack told him, what with his reputation as a shark. He says at Kabletown they're not sharks; they're more like whatever the friendliest fish is. He wasn't sure Jack was going to fit in, but this move tells him they're going to be just fine. Hank tells Kenneth that Jack should give him something for that idea, and Jack thanks him for that, and tells Kenneth "quid pro quo." Kenneth says he doesn't want anything, but Hank asks him about a hug. Kenneth does want that from Jack, so they hug. But Kenneth tells him it has to go on for ten seconds. Hank couldn't agree more, and acknowledges the "good huggin'" going on there.
Later, Lemon and Jack are watching Avery announce her new job as financial reporter. She asks Carmen about her new assignment, covering hurricanes. Oh, and Avery's out as a preggo. Jack shuts off the TV (with a real remote; this is Lemon's office, after all) and thanks Lemon. He says he owes her, so she tells him about a toilet pillow she's had her eye on. But he says that, actually, he and Avery want the baby's middle name to be Elizabeth, after Lemon. She tells him that's so gayballs. Then Tracy and Jenna come in to see if Lemon needs anything. She says she's actually not pregnant and was just pretending, to help Jack. Tracy: "Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real! It takes the same amount of time!" Jenna points out that Lemon lied to them and ordered them around like "a couple of normals." Tracy says she'll be punished for this, and asks for his nunchucks back. Lemon would rather call it even if she gives them leverage in the form of the naked "pregnancy" pictures of herself, to keep. Tracy and Jenna are horrified, and Jack can't believe she took her pants off.
Tag: Lutz is making a pitch about a channel that's just the sounds of people having a party so you can put it on when you call your parents. Some guy says his TV is a sunset. Lemon offers up a button you push on your remote to buy anything you see on TV -- like if you're watching Sex and the City and you just have to have Mr. Big's spaghetti. Jenna suggests executing someone live on TV, and points at the guy next to her. Brian Williams says he pulls off his mask, and is a lizard person too. Blackout. End of episode. ...And blackout. End of episode. Perfect ending.