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As Avery's due date approaches, raging hormones cause her to question Jack's closeness with Lemon. Jack explains that they are in the Jack Donaghy Mentor Experience together, but Avery doesn't want to hear it. She demands he set greater boundaries with Lemon. So off Jack goes, looking for a new mentee with just the right amount of DIHC (Drive, Intelligence, Humility, Chaos). Yes, it's pronounced the way you think it is. He looks high and low, ruling out Jonathan for his lack of drive, Jenna for her low intelligence, Tracy for his dearth of humility, and Avery herself for the insufficient amount of chaos in her life. In the end, Avery realizes that Jack and Lemon's weird, semi-dysfunctional relationship will not interfere with hers and Jack's and lets things go back to the way they were.
Even with all that DIHC up in her business, Lemon struggles without Jack's guidance when it comes to another Dick -- her 80-year-old father, who announces during a visit that he's taking a "gentleman's intermission" from her mother. No amount of common sense or costumed intrigue in da club will set Dick straight, so Lemon's return to Jack's (read: Avery's) favor is not a minute too soon. Jack takes the low road, putting the fear of God into Dick by impersonating a juiced up Guido whose girl said Dick hit on her the night before. No sooner does he say, "I'll set you on fire," than Dick promises to go back to his wife in Pennsylvania.
Meanwhile, Tracy and Jenna are both obsessed with death. Well, not so much death as eternal life through the pre-packaged obituaries NBC News prepares for celebrities. While Tracy doesn't think his legacy is strong enough, Jenna is pissed that she doesn't even merit an obituary under NBC standards. Tracy sets about correcting his image, and Jenna sets about constructing hers. Their stories collide in the form of one hapless little hero cat, who saved its elderly owner's life by dialing 911. Tracy thinks he can reform his image by becoming a double hero if he saves the cat's life. Of course, this entails getting a be-ski-masked Kenneth to go after the cat with a hammer, but those are just details. Just seconds before Tracy is to stop Kenneth, he learns that his latest movie, Hard to Watch, is garnering Oscar buzz. He realizes winning an Oscar will be a much easier way to change his obituary headline (and, lest ye forget, take him one step closer to EGOT!) and decides to abort the plan -- without telling Kenneth, of course. We needn't fear for the doomed kitteh, though, because Jenna sees Kenneth menacing hero cat and bonks him over the head with a fire extinguisher, saving the cat and becoming the double hero herself, thus earning her place in the prefab obituary files. When hero cat dials 911 on behalf of poor, concussed Kenneth, everybody wins!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's morning at the Donaghy-Jessup abode. Avery shows Jack a customized Hermes saddle, emblazoned with the letter "C," that she had made for their daughter -- "so she can ride the maid!" Jack wonders if Charlotte is the right name for their daughter, particularly since Lemon didn't approve. Avery thinks Jack needs to set firmer boundaries with Lemon. He argues that she is his mentee, and he does not take the mentoring process, nor the selection of his mentees, lightly: "They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time, the intelligence to understand the challenges they're going to face, the humility to accept my help, and finally a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos -- or the acronym DIHC," pronounced in a way that rhymes with "shtick." He adds, "I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm going to take it wherever I can find it." Avery tells Jack that his mentoring relationship has gone on for four years, and maybe it's time for Lemon to be released in the wild. Then she has a crazy hormone swing and sweeps everything off the breakfast table while hurling a bowl of whipped cream at Jack and howling that everything smells like onions. With that, Jack agrees to institute more boundaries in his relationship with Lemon. Credits.
30 Rock. As Kenneth leads a tour of NBC, he happens upon an editor working on Tracy's video obituary. He immediately drops to his knees in a blind panic and screams to the heavens that he's not done with Tracy. Another page informs him that Tracy isn't actually dead, they just need to update his obit to include his recent submarine DUI. Naturally. Kenneth regains his composure and asks for a copy of the obit so he can show it to Tracy. Then Tracy can see his own funeral just like Tom Sawyer. Nope, not the iconic character of 19th century American literature. Some kid from Stone Mountain that Kenneth and the townspeople accidentally buried alive. After they dug him back up, he tried to kill everyone. Naturally.
Lemon's office. Her father, Dick Lemon, calls and suggests he come to New York for a visit. She's excited about the prospect of seeing both her parents, but her father says her mom won't be coming. She says her parents always travel together, and her dad snaps that he wants to have a little fun by himself. Her mother returns home, and he hangs up the phone abruptly after telling her, "This conversation never happened."
Over in Tracy's dressing room, he is discouraged to see his obituary and realize what a sad, expletive-laden legacy he will leave behind. He thinks the world will see him as some idiot millionaire. Jenna, who only heard these last two words, chimes in to ask if they're talking about Mark Cuban ("That guy ran me over with a jet ski"). Tracy stomps off, leaving Kenneth to clarify that he showed Tracy his obituary. Jenna assumes Tracy is dying and pretends to be reluctant but is really jumping at the chance to sing at his funeral. Kenneth corrects her, explaining NBC's policy of preparing celebrity obits in advance. Jenna gets excited about this prospect, hoping they show footage of that time she got caught shop lifting because her arms looked fantastic.
Jack's office. Lemon enters and starts to consult him on her father's visit, but he cuts her off and informs her about their new boundaries on discussing personal matters. He informs her that their relationship is confusing to Avery. Lemon laughs that she can understand how Avery might be threatened by her "sessuality." Jack explains that Avery is a little on edge after having gained some boob weight that causes her to fall over at random, but he still thinks Avery might have a point that he and Lemon are too involved in each other's intimate affairs. Lemon huffily says she'll solve her own problem, then makes for the door -- only she can't get it open to make the dramatic exit she would have liked.
Downstairs, Jenna is distraught that she doesn't have an obit prepared and has been passed over for that bitch Kim Jong-il. You and me both, girl.
Back upstairs, Jack informs Jonathan that he is considering him to be his mentee. Jonathan nearly dissolves into a puddle with elation until Jack tells him he doesn't think Jonathan has enough drive. Jack brandishes a knife and tells Jonathan he has instructed his lawyer to bestow the honor upon Jonathan only if he reports to the lawyer with his pinky. Jonathan balks, offering to cut off his own pinky instead. Test failed. Jack informs Jonathan that "Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to stay alive," which he handily has embroidered on a throw pillow nearby.
Lemon's apartment. Ragged Dick shows up with no glasses on his face, wearing an Ed Hardy shirt that "a very hip, Latino-sounding blur at Mervin's" told him looked great. Oh, the dreaded Gosselin Effect. You can smell it a mile away, its hints of Drakkar Noir, Bud Light, and fizzling notoriety. Lemon asks what's going on, so Dick tells her that he has decided to take a break from her mother after 45 years. She refuses to let him stay with her while he's taking his "Gentleman's Intermission" from marriage, so she hands him his bag and tells him to go back home to her mother. Instead, he says he's going to meet up with an old army buddy, widower Gary -- "Tonight we're doing a push-up, and tomorrow we're going to a bar called Swingles." Lemon watches him blindly stumble his way out of her apartment and toward Gary's, where he will sleep on the extra bed from when Gary's recently deceased wife was in hospice care. Such are the glorious thrills of the single life!
Later, Lemon decides to call Avery, then chickens out at the last minute and starts speaking in German. Avery, who also embraces the lingua Germanica, sees Lemon's name on the caller ID and shoots down her ruse. Lemon's all, "Hey girl!" Lemon says she knows she shouldn't be calling, but she really needs Jack to help her with daddy issues. (See what I did there?) Avery coldly tells her it's inappropriate and hangs up.
30 Rock. Kenneth is in the studio adjusting a spotlight on Tracy. It's his "sadness spotlight," and he's still bereft that his life has added up to nothing positive. Coming upon this bottomless pit of chaos, Jack realizes that Tracy may just be the perfect new mentee for him. For his first piece of advice, Jack tells Tracy to better his obit by changing his public image like Prince Hal, whom Tracy played (badly) on stage in Central Park last summer. Tracy immediately believes he just had this idea himself, and when Jack tries to offer his help to Tracy any time, Tracy tells him he needs no help. "I'm Tracy Jordan," he says with the confidence of the truly ignorant, "when I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world." Kenneth beams proudly, and Jack says ruefully that Tracy failed the test of humility. Kenneth says he'd love Jack as his own mentor, but unfortunately he already has one. He looks over at a disgruntled custodian, who screams back, "Stop calling me!"
Writers' kitchen. Lemon asks Pete WWJTMTD: "What Would Jack Tell Me To Do?" She and Cerie (welcome back, little bird!) agree that Dick Lemon must look like a pathetic old loser trying to pick up chicks at 80. Pete in a delusion feat of wish-fulfillment would rather see him as brave and heroic.
Jack's office. Jenna bursts in and demands to know why Tracy has a prefab obit and she doesn't. Jack runs down Tracy's dubious list of accomplishments for her and says she hasn't done as much as he has. She vows to make her own obituary so that everyone at NBC News can see how wrong they are. With that, Jack concludes that she cannot be his mentee on the grounds that she's failed the test of intelligence.
Downstairs, Jack and Lemon have an awkward conversation, owing to the fact that they have nothing business-oriented to discuss really. Lemon walks away, and Jack watches her from afar, whispering lovingly, "Shoulders back, Lemon. You're not welcoming people to Castle Frankenstein.'
That night, Dick Lemon hits up da club with his friend Gary. Lemon takes for granted the fact that neither of them can see worth a damn and so shows up with dark glasses and hair to the sky. Dick immediately hits on her. She introduces herself as Dorothy Michaels. Nice. Dick tells her that he and Gary are FBI -- "Female Body Inspectors." He starts to compliment her ass, but she cuts him off and reveals herself to be his daughter. A guy mistakenly thinks she's trying to hit on her own father and announces it disgustedly to the whole club. Instead of clearing up the situation, Dick lets everyone gang up on her before suggesting he and Gary "hit that bar with the cool rainbow flags."
Elsewhere, Jenna records her obituary: "A three-time Cable Ace award nominee and a two-time Tony... Shalhoub sex partner, Jenna Maroney is dead at... 32." There's even a little ditty that likens Jenna to the passing of wind.
Meanwhile, Tracy and Kenneth are struggling as they brainstorm how to change Tracy's image. As Tracy wonders why it's so hard to change how the world thinks of him overnight, a segment comes on the Today show about a heroic cat that saved its owner's life by dialing 911. Tracy devises a plan to save the cat's life so he can be a "double hero."
Upstairs, Jack has called Avery into his office to advise her on her interview with John Boehner (Tip: Miniature golf pencils make small hands look bigger!). She quickly catches on that he's trying to mentor her and tells him to back off. She wonders if it's really this hard to find a new mentee. He says that Lemon is in a class of her own and that everyone of the junior executive generation isn't up to snuff. In walks a walking, talking example of everything I hate about people my age. See below.
Studio. Samurai sword-wielding Tracy meets up Kenneth, who for his part has a ski mask and a hammer. Kenneth heads off to get that darn cat, and Tracy promises to catch up to him before any actual violence occurs. Of course, instead, he gets distracted by Anne Curry on the television touting some Oscar buzz for his latest movie, Hard To Watch. Tracy realizes he doesn't have to do anything if he can win an Oscar: "Then my obituary will read 'Oscar winner' instead of 'children's soccer heckler,'" he says hopefully. He sheaths his Samurai sword and goes about his day, saying, "I think I'm forgetting something." A flash of horror crosses his face: "I left Tracy Jr. in Atlantic City!"
Meanwhile, Kenneth has reached the hero cat and sets Tracy's ill-conceived plan in action. He screams that he wants to kill the cat, looking around desperately for Tracy to come stop him. Instead, Jenna shows up shouting, "Killing cats is wrong -- unless it's for a hat!" She clocks Kenneth on the head with a fire extinguisher and is hailed as a double hero by all, including the Page who earlier deemed her not important enough for pre-obit. Jenna triumphantly flings down the extinguisher, pronouncing, "And tell people in lieu of flowers, they can pour jewels into my open coffin!" During the swell of applause, Kenneth croaks out that he's very injured. Unfazed by the attempted assault, hero cat leaps to a desk and calls 911 on his behalf.
Jack's office. Avery calls Lemon in to tell her that her weird, vague mentor-mentee relationship with Jack can continue as before. She leaves, telling Lemon she's briefed Jack on her problems with her father. Jack takes Lemon's phone to call Dick and nip this irrational problem with some good, old-fashioned fear. When Dick answers, he puts on a thick Jersey-by-way-of-Queens accent and plays a juicehead who vacillates between being pissed at Dick for trying to steal his girl, then being pissed that Dick doesn't think she's good enough when he denies everything. He lays it on thick, threatening to bring his three brothers over and kick Dick's ass. Dick hangs up in fear. Jack gives it a few seconds and calls back as the juicehead, a corrupt fireman juicehead at that, saying he's going to set Dick on fire and not investigate it. Dick promises no such action will be necessary, as he is returning to Philadelphia that day. Juicehead Jack ends the conversation on a brotherly note, saying Dick should cherish and honor his marriage. The subject of grandkids comes up, and Jack takes the chance to throw in a jibe at Lemon before hanging up and saying, "Go Necks!" Lemon takes back her phone and immediately shows Jack a weird growth on her leg. Just like olden times!
Bonus! Lemon reacts to the various names Jack might give his daughter. She is appalled by Claire, snarks that she'll visit Joanne on the farm with her wife, thinks Jacqueline would equal "a little Jack, but with boobs," thinks Daphne Donaghy is a Dorky name, Kylie is fit for a girl who strips her way through community college, and concludes that Christina is no good because she'd be nicknamed Tina, a name notoriously given to judgmental bitches. And now that we're through with the name-calling, how about some more traditional yuk-yuks?
Lemon's Thriving Social Life
Lemon [answers phone]: Hello.
Dick Lemon: Hey Liz! It's your father, Dick Lemon.
Lemon: Dad, you don't have to say your name every time.
Dick Lemon: Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. It lets people know your race even when they can't see you. Anyway, got a busy week?
Lemon: Not really. I was going to take this class called "Cooking for One," but the teacher killed himself.
Dick Lemon: Well how about a visit?
Lemon: Really? That'd be great. With you and Mom here, the doormen will have to eat their words about me never having friends over.
The Things Tracy Left Behind
Lester Holt [voice-over<>]: Tracy Jordan, star of the Fat Bitch movies, was also voted "Worst Representation of a Black Man" nine years in a row. Perhaps best known for his FCC fines and giving the Queen parvo--
Tracy: This is terrible. When I'm dead, that's what I leave behind? That's how my grandkids will remember me as they fly around in their jet packs?
Kenneth: Well, it's not fair out of context. Her Highness was sending signals.
The Bottom of the Bucket List
Jenna: What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Jenna Maroney. I played "Arts & Literature" in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit
Page: I know who you are, Miss Maroney, but you're not on the list. They only make obits for people they think are... you know, important.
Jenna: Like who? Kim Jong-il? I never heard of her!
Google Me, Bitch!
Jack: What's wrong, Tra? Why are you sitting in your sadness spotlight?
Tracy: I've seen my NBC News obituary, Jackie D. I look like a fool in it.
Jack: Well certainly you can't be surprised that there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there? Don't you ever Google yourself?
Tracy: Sure, I Google myself all the time -- like when Angie's not in the mood, or I'm alone in a hotel.
Jack: Tracy, you do know that "Googling" yourself means looking yourself up on the Internet?
Tracy: I did not know that.
Jenna Does Death
Jenna: Jack, why does Tracy have a news obit, and I don't?
Jack: Huh. I never thought of you for the Donaghy Mentoring Experience, but you are an unceasing onslaught of dysfunction.
Jenna: Dr. Drew called me "unfixable!"
Jack: Let's think this through. You don't have an obit because you haven't done as much as Tracy has. His movies gross millions, his comedy albums go platinum, and he owns the world's only giraffe basketball team -- The New York Necks. So, your problem--
Jenna: My problem? NBC News has the problem.
Jack: Oh, I don't think that's right.
Jenna: And you know what? I'm going to make my own obituary and show them how wrong they are.
Jack: Then I'm afraid you're on your own, Jenna. You have failed the test of intelligence.
Jenna: Oh really? Well so are you!
Add Some Skinny Jeans, and You Have My Generation
Avery: Is it really that difficult to find someone new to mentor?
Jack: It's impossible. I would never say this to her face, but Lemon is above average. She's got just the right amount of DIHC for me. [Avery's eyes bug out.]
Jack: I hear it, and I don't care! I've cast a wide net, but even the junior executives here... There's something wrong with this generation.
Junior Executive [walks in with floppy hair and eyes glued to his Blackberry]: Hey, Jack! Sorry I'm late. B-t-dubs, I gotta leave for my ironic kickball league in about 10. Also, I'm not interested in this position unless I'm gonna be constantly praised. And I won't cut my hair.
That About Sums It Up
Lemon [to Jack]: You wanted to see me?
Jack: Uh, no, Lemon.
Avery [from the shadows]: I did.
Lemon [spins around startled]: Albino ninja!
Avery: Look, I never should have interfered with, um... whatever this is.
Lemon: Work husband-slash-uncle.
Jack: Coworker-slash-little brother.
Avery: Right, well, she's not ready to move on.
Lemon: It's true. I'm wearing a Duane Reade bag as underwear today.
Avery: All right, and for whatever reason he needs you, too.
Jack: It's a symbiotic relationship. I'm a great white shark, Lemon, and you are a remora, clinging to me with your suction cup head. I give you a free ride and, in exchange, you eat my parasites.
Avery: I'm going to leave you two alone.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then check out our guide to the show's best and worst guest stars!
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