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Jack is on the verge of a perfect day of decision-making and problem-solving -- a sacred event known to the rich and powerful as "Reaganing." He has but two obstacles in the way of him batting 1000. The first is Lemon, who needs a ride to Newark Airport to see Carol. It seems simple enough, until she reveals that she's going to break up with Carol. The plot thickens when it comes out that she's calling it off due to her own sexual dysfunction that stems from a particularly traumatic childhood incident involved roller skates and a Tom Jones poster.
This problem stymies Jack, who escapes the car in bumper-to-bumper traffic caused by none other than Tracy. Jack's confidence is shaken as he sees that Tracy is doing his damndest to botch one line in a commercial he's court-ordered to appear in (as community service) for the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. As he doubts himself, Jack spots a jar of jelly beans (Reagan's favorite) on the craft services table, and deploys them so Tracy's mouth will be moving, thus making him look like he's speaking, while Jack flawlessly delivers the one line in Jordan-speak. With his confidence back, Jack deduces that Lemon's dysfunction with Carol, and other boyfriends, stems from reminders of Tom Jones that have haunted her for years. He thus single-handedly saves her relationship and becomes a legitimate Reaganer.
Back at 30 Rock, Jenna gets a prestigious "Free Ice Cream for Life" card from Carvel. She sends Kenneth to order a cake with her card, but it comes back with a typo, so she tells him to return it. The cashier accidentally refunds Kenneth the cash for the cake that he never paid for and thus a scheme is born. They blather, chintz, repeat about five times before Jenna is found out. Kenneth has promised money to his family and pigs back in Georgia, so they welcome well-known swindler Kelsey Grammer into the fold for one last job. They successfully buy 21 cakes with TGS money, return empty boxes and snag an $800 take between them. While success only augments Jenna and Kelsey's conniving ways, Kenneth realizes their machinations are not without victims and decides to leave his grifter days behind him.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Jack pitches a nightmare of a reality show to an executive friend while Jonathan marvels at his grace, power, and acumen. He grows frantic the minute Lemon arrives because he doesn't want Jack's winning streak to be thwarted. On the contrary, Jack calls her in, assured of his own hot streak. "When you're pitching a perfect game, you don't walk Albert Pujols," he tells her. "And you are the Albert Pujols of having problems." Lemon approaches, wary that she'll mar his record, but he's high off of a wonderful 24 hours including a rollicking session of lovemaking with Avery, for which she wrote him a thank-you note.
Jack thinks that he's entered a magic zone of error-free living called "Reaganing." He tells her, "The only people who have done it are Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and -- no judgment! -- Saddam Hussein." He asks what Lemon wants. She needs a ride to the airport to see Carol, and the Greece-Pakistan soccer game is putting a crimp in her plans. He says it's no problem. He'll drop her off himself and swing by MSNBC afterward. (As a former MSNBC employee who made the transition to 30 Rock, I'll forgive this little sic, but after last week's live show -- which apparently many people other than me enjoyed -- my home girl Tina is on thin ice. Don't get it twisted, Fey.) Says Jack seriously "I need to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut." With that, the ice just thickened significantly. Credits.
Downstairs, Tracy finds Kenneth to inform him he needs to cancel his gig hosting the MTV International Awards. He has been offered a chance to shoot a commercial for The Boys & Girls Club. "I just can't turn down community service," he says, "because if I do, that judge'll make me join the Coast Guard." Jenna doesn't know why she didn't get the offer to host the international awards since her single "Choke Me, Choke Me, Teeheeheeheehee" is a smash hit in Japan. She has, however, gotten a very prestigious "Ice Cream for Life" card from the Carvel Corporation after performing (albeit a bit too seductively) on their Thanksgiving float the year prior. She sends Kenneth to get an ice cream cake for the crew -- mainly so one of the camera guys will stop boring her with anecdotes about his new baby.
Elsewhere, Lemon and Jack wait out the traffic at the Holland Tunnel. Jack notices that she's biting her nails, which either means she's nervous or has recently handled ham. It turns out to be the former as she tells him she's going to break up with Carol. He runs down the list of possible reasons (he saw her eating spaghetti, she developed a fungus in her shower), but she doesn't want to get into it. Jack reminds her that she's not exactly a secretive person and deduces that her problems with Carol might have to do with sex. She admits that she and Carol are indeed having an intimacy problem, specifically a performance issue. Having encountered this difficulty himself ("before Greta VanSusteren got her head transplant") Jack offers to call Carol, but Lemon stops him because the intimacy problem lies with her. At which point the driver elects to roll up the sound-proof barrier. At which point Jack wishes he had a sound-proof barrier.
Meanwhile, Tracy is on set for his commercial. The director, whose career he single-handedly ruined during the production of Garfield 3, has conceived of a Touch of Evil-esque single shot format that involves a lot of coordination. More to the point, a lot more coordination than is possessed by Mr. Tracy Jordan. Tracy only has one line yet refuses to be bothered with it. "Scripts just get in the way of my process," he says. "Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get." Maybe they should replace Jack's horrible reality show idea with this day. Eat your heart out, Big Brother live shows!
Back at the studio, Kenneth delivers the cake Jenna asked him to buy. She doesn't approve because they wrote "Jenny" on the cake, and she doesn't want "wheelchair Jenna from Accounting getting all the credit." She tasks Kenneth with picking up a replacement cake, but he takes issue with how wasteful it will be. He comes from a pig farm where times are tough. They've even had to sell off some of their own, whose names are Sally, Julie, and Poppy. Jenna's assumes the names belong to his pigs. Kenneth hesitantly agrees.
Back in the limo, Jack says it's understandable Lemon is hung-up sexually since she's such a prude. Lemon disagrees with him, but he calls to mind all the instances in which she's been grossed out by his allusions to sex. Best one? When Lemon says the word "lovers" bums her out unless it's in between the words "meat" and "pizza." Lemon sarcastically apologizes for being "a real woman and not some oversexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond." Jack thinks Lemon is the greatest challenge he or any potential Reaganer will ever face and vows to "fix" Lemon. She admits she's had this problem a few times before. He tells her to "dive into the sexual abyss" so he can ascertain if this problem has something to do with her past. He pushes until she lashes out and screams at him to "stop asking about the roller skates!" Well that's not awkward at all.
Boys & Girls Club commercial. The director yells action. Glorious music swells as the camera pans across a flurry of activity: A kid spins a basketball on his finger and shoots a two-pointer, girls jump Double Dutch, a boy does a front flip, another whizzes past Tracy on his skateboard. And it's all for naught because Tracy doesn't know his line. Of course that doesn't mean he is any less self-assured in his right to speak freely: "What's my cue? You know what? It doesn't matter. I don't know my line!' The director is frustrated that they're holding up traffic and burning daylight. Tracy insists that they're lucky to be getting paid to make dreams come true, then orders for someone to get him a Jolt Cola, even though they no longer exist.
30 Rock. Kenneth returns with the $23.94 he got from returning "Jenny's" cake. Yes, that's right, the one she didn't have to pay for in the first place. Jenna senses that there is a plan in all this that's bigger than both of them. She decides to relive her years grifting with Verna, and Kenneth is thrilled to be in on anyone else's plans. A few intentionally botched cakes later, they're $95.76 richer.
Limo. Jacks asks Lemon about the roller skates. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat and wonders what is causing the traffic jam. Cut back to Tracy's commercial. Once again, everything happens on cue. It all leads up to Tracy, who smiles broadly and announces with gusto, "I'm sorry, I have an erection! I think it's the sound of the skateboard. We're going again, everybody safely back to one." Back in the limo, Jack insists he's unstoppable and suggests that Lemon pretend she's telling her story to "The Gipper" himself. He does a pitch-perfect accent that is just creepy enough to force Lemon's hand. She tells him of a time when she was nine years old and skating in the house. Long story short, she was preparing to visit the bathroom and tried to take her undies off over her skates. She fell and took down a poster of Tom Jones with her. Her mother found her, assumed the worst, and took away all her posters. She squeaks, "She took away all the people, Jack! Sex makes the people go away!" Jack takes this opportunity to exit the car and check on the traffic. Wise move.
30 Rock. When Kenneth hands Jenna another Carvel refund, she realizes he's not comprehending their scheme and explains it to him. Naturally he objects, but Jenna hands him his cut and explains how much good he can do for his community back home with their take. Kenneth delights at the chance to buy those magic beans from the old hermit in the woods.
Boys & Girls Club commercials. It's another perfect take for the kids as we pan across to Tracy, who has taken off his top. He screams out, "Shirt on or off, Sean?" The director yells angri
ly "On!" Tracy responds, "Good note. Back to one." Jack comes upon this scene, and Tracy calls to take a break so he can introduce everyone to Jack. Director Sean begs Jack to fix his problem, and Jack backs away nervously. Daunted by Lemon's problem, he deems himself "the Sisyphus of Reaganing." Tracy takes inspiration from that verbal flourish and insists they do another take.
Before they start rolling, Jack looks at a jar of jelly beans on the craft services table and apologizes to it, symbolically apologizing to Reagan for failing. He starts to tell the director about how Reagan's aides used his favorite jelly beans to help him through his early years with Alzheimer's. Suddenly, Jack is struck by inspiration. He hands over the jar of jelly beans for Tracy to chew so his mouth is moving when Jack mimics his voice and delivers the line: "Boys & Girls Clubs of America -- Be Great!" One problem down, one to go, Jack runs back to the cab to find Lemon.
30 Rock. Kenneth talks on the phone and says consolingly, "Don't you worry, I'm sending money so you can get your operation." Pause. "Now can we put a human on the phone?" He loses his connection and continues filling out the envelope in which he plans to send his family money. His dreams are dashed when Jenna returns to tell him she's been figured out and banned from Carvel ice cream for life. Kenneth grows frantic. His face hardens as he suggests they consider a con that's more long-term. Jenna is at once frightened and turned on, which is pretty much her day-to-day cocktail of emotions if you believe all the Mickey Rourke stories.
They enlist Kelsey Grammer, whose only stipulation is that if anyone gets hurt during the scam, they leave him or her behind to die. With that point agreed upon, they gleefully start researching their hustle. A bit later, they hand Pete a skit they claim Lemon wrote before leaving with Jack. Coincidentally, it's an ice cream eating contest for which they'll need at least 20 cakes. Kelsey happily volunteers to sort the cakes out. He orders 21 cakes for the "Frajer Reunion 2010," then signals to his cohorts as they watch outside. Kenneth gets the invoice from Carvel signed and collects his reimbursement from Pete. Once the typo is spotted, Kelsey returns one of the cakes intact and collects his refund for all of them from the Carvel store, dramatically threatening to throw his tossed salad and scrambled eggs at the cashier. Well, at least now he knows what to do with them. It's a win-win, really.
The moment he leaves, the cashier opens up a second cake box to find it empty, then another, then another. She realizes she's been had, looks up at the sky, pumps her fist, and yells, "FRAAAAAJERRRRRR!" Back at 30 Rock, the Tricks and Treats Trio gloat at their two-time success to the tune of $800.
Elsewhere, Jack finds Lemon on a lonely side street under the bridge. She's convinced that he can't help her, but he tries to assure her that sex is beautiful. Just then, a mangy old hooker walks up to them and offers them all sorts of services running the gamut from dog humping to girl-on-girl and legless lovin'. Jack pays her to leave them alone, so she stumbles off and falls into an open car window. Lemon maintains that sex is horrible. Jack's phone rings. It's Jonathan, congratulating him on a perfect day of Reaganing and telling him about all the presents that have arrived at the office. Jack tells Jonathan to send them all back because he's failed.
Over in Midtown, Kenneth deposits the money for his family in a mail box. On his way back to 30 Rock, he runs into the Carvel cashier, who is throwing her apron away. She says she was fired because Kelsey Grammer scammed her and vows to go back to work "under that bridge." He returns to Jenna's dressing room, where she and Kelsey are still reveling in their $266.67 apiece and are planning the angle. Kenneth tells them he's out because their actions have hurt others. The others take it pretty well, though they will have to rough Kenneth up since he's leaving their "Best Friends Gang."
Newark Airport. Jack urges her not to break it off with Carol because they deserve to love and be loved. He pays her a rare compliment, then urges her to take Carol in an airport bathroom and get it in. She worries she'll never be able to overcome her problem if she couldn't do it in Vegas. Jack puts two and two together and realizes Lemon's problem stems directly from reminders of Tom Jones. She feels tremendously better now that they've isolated the problem. She says Jack's better than Reagan and runs into the terminal chanting, "USA! USA! USA!" Then runs right back out when she realizes Carol's actually at JFK, not Newark. Back into the limo!
Bonus! Another clip reel of Lemon's most notorious sexual misadventures. It's as good a lead-in to the jokes as any. Jenna asks, "How was the sex?" Lemon answers, "Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect! ... I have been sexually rejected by not one but two guys who later went on to clown college. ... And one time at summer camp, I kissed a girl on a dare, but then she drowned! ... He was the first dead guy I ever kissed. ... Standing up? What? How does that even work?" Then there are some exchanges with Jack in which he touches on her Achilles' Heel words -- "pleasure" and "climax." Groans Lemon, "Aaaaaah." And away we go!
Reality's New Highs Is Coincidentally It's New Low
Jack: Listen, Greg, I've got the big reality show -- we put a bunch of people on plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals that the pilot is a six-year-old boy. We call it Child Hell Flight!
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Jonathan [eavesdropping as Lemon approaches]: Get out of here! He is pitching a no-hitter.
Lemon: What?
Jonathan: Starting at 4 p.m. yesterday, when Mr. Donaghy coined the word "innoventually," he has been flawless.
Lemon: So why do I have to leave?
Jonathan: Because you have so many unsolvable problems. Like your mouth -- it looks like somebody kicked a hole in a bag of flour!
WHAT AH YOU WEARINNNNNNNNNG?!?!?!?!
Jack: You know your little problem makes sense, Lemon. You have more sexual hang-ups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried.
Lemon: What?
Jack: That was written by a computer program we're working on to replace you.
And Who Knows How Fudgie the Whale Would React
Kenneth: Here's your money back, ma'am. Boy, they sure are making a lot of mistakes over there today.
Jenna: Do you really not understand what we're doing?
Kenneth: Of course I do, we're standing here talking, adding brick after brick to our friendship castle so it someday reaches the sky!
Jenna: With Carvel, Kenneth. We're conning them. I'm ordering messed up cakes and getting them free with my card, then you're returning them for cash. We're selling back free cakes.
Kenneth: But Ms. Maroney, that's wrong. And illegal! If Cookie Puss knew, he'd tear us apart with his fangs.
Scam I Am
Kelsey Grammer: Kenneth, we have a new con -- we're going to go down to Florida, open up a medical supply store, then get some Social Security numbers.
Jenna: Through seduction!
Kenneth: I'm sorry, sir-ma'am, I'm out.
Kelsey Grammer: What? Why?
Kenneth: Because Ms. Maroney was wrong. People did get hurt by our actions. And, yes, my family could use a couple hundred more dollars. But it's not right.
Kelsey Grammer: A couple hundred dollars? I think I could help you out. But first I'm gonna need 50 to get started. [Kenneth reaches for his wallet.]
Jenna: Kelsey, no. I'm proud of you, Kenneth. You've got a good heart. I hope you get into a car accident some day so I can have it.
Fight or Flight
Lemon: Well, it's been a pretty rough day, but at least we're in Newark now.
Jack: What are you going to do about Carol?
Lemon: I'm going to break up with him, let him off the hook.
Jack: That would be a mistake. Yes, you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs, but you deserve someone like Carol in your life, and he deserves you because -- and I'm only going to say this once a decade -- you're great. You're Liz Lemon, damn it. In certain lights, you're an eight -- using East Coast, over-35 standards, excluding Miami.
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Lemon: Thanks, Jack.
It's Not Unusual
Jack: Now go in there and grab Carol. You take him to one of those unisex bathrooms, pull down that baby diaper changing thing, and go to town on him!
Lemon: I'll try, but if I couldn't get it done in Vegas after a Penn & Teller show, I don't know how it's gonna happen here.
Jack: Wait a minute. You had your problem with Carol in Las Vegas?
Lemon: So?
Jack: The Tom Jones Poster. Tom Jones plays Vegas all the time. He has billboards everywhere.
Lemon: No kidding, there was one right outside our... hotel room window. Oh my God!
Jack: Think back to your college boyfriend. Was there any...?
Lemon: Yes! When this happened with Joel, "What's New Pussycat?" was playing on the bus we were on-- I mean the room we were in. And when it happened with Dennis he had just gotten a perm!
Jack: Tom Jones is the trigger. He makes you remember your mother taking the people away.
Lemon: Does this mean I'm fixed?
Jack: Oh, God no. You've got years of therapy ahead of you -- probably electroshock. But this is a breakthrough, Lemon. And a big one.
Lemon: Jack Donaghy, in my book, you're better than Reagan.
Jack: I appreciate that, Lemon, but if you ever speak ill of Reagan again, I will smack those teeth straight.
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