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NBC's sleeper flop Bitch Hunter offends just about everyone, so the staffers at TGS invite all their moms for a special Mother's Day show. As usual, Colleen is the boldest and best at kicking ass and taking names. She heard through the grapevine that Jack is seeing two women simultaneously and spends much of the episode clucking disapprovingly and mind-fucking Kenneth. Seeing that Jack won't make a decision, she blows the whistle to Avery, who promptly lays down an ultimatum. Jack is furious, but Colleen explains that she's just making sure that someone will be there to take care of playboy Jack after she's gone. Perhaps someone should tend to Kenneth first, though, because Colleen's toyed with him so much, he doesn't remember his own name.
Lemon's mother also spread the message of marriage and stability. Except hers is much grimmer than Lemon hopes. Mrs. Lemon reveals that she was very much in love with a boy named Ed when she was in high school. They humped like bunnies before Ed shipped off to Korea, but when he returned the timing was off. So he took the job he'd been offered at NASA (turns out "Ed" was Lemon's mom's nickname for Buzz Aldrin), and Mrs. Lemon settled for any old Dick. Dick Lemon, that is. Lemon nearly blows her top that not only did her mom pass up the chance to be an astronaut's wife, she also gave up on true love. Determined to find her Mike Dexter, Lemon manages to swing a meet-and-greet with Buzz Aldrin through Jack. But, as we know, Buzz is not only a terrible dancer but also a former raging alcoholic with depression issues. He assures Lemon that her mother missed a lot of bad times by not choosing him. Lemon finds some consolation in this, finally realizing that Mike Dexter is an even more unattainable goal than walking on the moon. She thanks her mom for choosing the right man (and, you know, giving birth to her). In return, Mrs. Lemon begs her to start having babies, stat.
Verna returns for the second half of the "being Jenna's mom" money that Jack promised her some time ago. She doesn't just want it, she needs it, or else she'll be stuck with one high and firm breast, one sagging and floppy breast for the rest of her life. Yep, she got half an augmentation. Always thinking things through that Verna. But collecting the money is harder for her than she could have imagined, as Jenna's less willing to submit to her romper-wearing schemes than she thought. She nearly walks away with one low-hanger until Jack reminds her what's at stake. Verna sucks it up for the sake of her left mammary, and Jenna remains none the wiser.
Tracy might as well have been raised by bar mitzvah-ing werewolves for all he knows about his own mother. He gives such a sketchy description that Pete decides to just hire an actress to play Mrs. Morgan. He finds a perfect candidate in a well-respected but still low-profile Brooklyn actress, but Tracy thinks she's beneath him. They scrap and storm off. After a heart-to-heart with Jenna and a glimpse of the Maroneys' (money-fueled) love, Tracy realizes that he does want a mother, even if she didn't rip her cooch having him. It's a win-win for everyone, really.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Lemon enters Jack's office to get his signature for all the expenses incurred by flying out the TGS staffers' moms for a very special Mother's Day episode. Apparently it's a reparatory measure after NBC re-aired the offensive pilot for Bitch Hunter. Cue more Will Ferrell goodness ("Put the mimosas down, bitch!"). All of this serves to remind Jack that Mother's Day is actually happening, and soon. He freaks out and screams out at Jonathan to get the florist on the phone. But it's too late. Colleen's in his outer office, and she is ready to rub this latest shortcoming in his face pronto. Credits.
Downstairs, Lemon's mom runs across Frank and his mom (the cell phone user-shaming Patti LuPone!), who's bitching that his picture's not on the wall. Frank explains that only the actors' pictures get displayed, but she hands Lemon a picture anyway -- "Here's little Frankie in the bath tub... getting ready for the senior prom." up, Lemon finds her own mother (Anita Gillette) putting down some money at the crafts service table. Lemon tells her the food's free, but Mrs. Lemon insists no meal is ever free and to "remember that time someone buys you an expensive meal." Lemon grumbles that such an event is a rarity. They walk down the corridor when in trucks Verna (Jan Hooks), who foregoes the usual pleasantries in favor of a sexual assault confession (and Scottie Pippen no less!). That's our Verna!
Meanwhile, Pete pops into Tracy's dressing room to inform him his mom, much like Tracy himself most of the time, is MIA. Would you believe that the show couldn't find her based on Tracy's detailed information ("Her name might be Cheryl, and she was wearing a red shirt in 1984.") Pete offers to hire an actress to play her. Tracy's game as long as he can "see a list of names -- like when they was looking for John McCain's running mate." He laughs and says he's kidding. Then gets stern, saying that unlike the Palin selection, "This needs to be taken seriously!"
Upstairs, Colleen quickly dispenses of the Mother's Day crap and tells Jack she's here on business. She heard through the grapevine (some ladies at Our Lady of Reluctant integration in Waltham) that Nancy Donovan got divorced and has been gallivanting with a fellow "who pours scotch like a girl." Jack basically tells her to mind her own business and pawns her off on Kenneth, who launches into frenetic clogging-singing routine when she cheekily commands him to entertain her.
Back downstairs, Danny introduces his mom Miho to Lutz. As she is Asian, Lutz off-handedly comments that he didn't know Danny was adopted. Whoops! Miho stomps off cursing that bean-spiller Lutz in Japanese. It's not so happy over in wardrobe either as Jenna introduces Verna to costumer Lee. Verna promptly hits on Lee, who clearly does not swing that way, before pulling out the matching denim rompers she made for her and Jenna to wear on the show ("Jenna's Mom" and "Jenna's Mom's Daughter"). Jenna clacks off, claiming her "friend has to go strangle her anxiety pillow."
After she leaves, Lemon blindly stumbles out of the changing area (and into a sea of brassiere-clad middle-aged ladies!) with her too-small bridesmaid's dress still half over her head. Guess that gym plan didn't work out so well... Mrs. Rossitano spits that it's bad luck for married women to wear a bridesmaid's dress. Lemon informs the ladies that she's not actually married. They can't believe it. Lutz's mom (Lutz in drag) tries to set Lemon up with her son (who "gives excellent back rubs, I can assure you!"), but Lemon politely declines. Colleen joins the gaggle to tell Lemon that feminism has ruined her. More specifically, "It makes smart girls with nice birthing shapes believe in fairy tales." She tells Lemon to stop waiting for her prince because she's pushing 40 and probably already met an okay-enough guy (even if he's not an astronaut named Mike Dexter who becomes King of Monaco). Upon hearing that Lemon's nearly 40, even Lutz's mom dismisses her not being a green enough banana. Oh, snap.
Upstairs, Jack has a clandestine meeting with Verna. He compliments her for holding up her half of their agreement. She's all, "About that..." and says she'll need the second payment installment sooner than later because she already invested in the first half of her boob job. She opens her jacket to reveal one breast dipping belly button-ward high and one that's nearly brushing her chin. Oh, Verna. She even makes Jack feel them, and he agrees that the implant feels like a cantaloupe, while the untouched breast feels like a bag of mushroom soup. Still, he says no dice on the second payment until she fulfills her motherly obligations to Jenna.
Back downstairs, Pete tells Tracy he's found a perfect stand-in for Tracy's bio-mom. She's an actress named Novella Nelson, she's from Brooklyn, and she looks just like Tracy. Tracy says frantically, "That could be anyone! We all look the same to me!" Pete says Tracy might recognize her from her late-night commercials for overall jammies (Pajameralls, in case you're wondering). Tracy had his heart set on Phylicia Rashad or Serena Williams, but Pete says they're too recognizable. He tells Tracy to pipe down because Novella's been in the biz for 40 years, which makes her "good enough for the star of Sherlock Homie."
Elsewhere, Jack avoids talking to Colleen about Nancy Donovan over lunch. Colleen turns the topic to Avery, who she intuited Jack was sleeping with during a rather un-telling elevator exchange. She tells Jack to man up and pick one of his lady loves already. Oh, if we were all as incisive and cutthroat as you, Colleen! Alas, we're not. Jack goes over the whole spiel again about how each woman offers him something unique. One is a key to his past, one inspires him to the look to the future. Colleen tells him to stop foofing about, to which he hisses, "I know it's gay, but it's my gay problem, and I'm handling it!" The waiter approaches them just in time to fully experience the awkwardness. Colleen mocks Jack some more, saying he'll have one of everything on the menu so he doesn't have to choose.
Jenna's dressing room. Verna asks why her rompers been replaced with sleek suits. Jenna tries to approach the topic delicately, but Verna throws a hissy fit that tips Jenna off to the fact that Verna just wants them to wear the rompers as a national, televised advertisement for her sewing skills. Which are apparently not that impressive because when she tries to rip apart Jenna's "fancy clothes" in protest, she can't and must concede that they are quality craftsmanship. "Damn the tiny brown hands that made this!" she curses before storming out.
Meanwhile, Lemon finds her mother tidying up around the office, catching her just in time to save her computer from going in the trash bin. Lemon asks her mother if she's still single because she expects too much. Mrs. Lemon admits Lemon's standards are a bit high but assures her that the perfect guy is out there. Lemon takes comfort that her mother and father found each other. "Oh no," says Mrs. Lemon, "I'm not talking about your father." Cut to a flashback, complete with '50s music, featuring a young Mrs. Lemon (played by cat glasses-wearing Tina Fey) walking arm-in-arm with her first love Ed. "He was my steady at Montclair High. The night before he was shipped off to Korea, I repeatedly lost my virginity to him while Waldo the town perv watched from the bushes." Younger Lemon takes pause from her blissful walk, "Wait, what?!"
The flashback cuts off, and Mrs. Lemon continues on that Ed wanted to get married but when Ed came back he was offered a position at NASA in Houston. For obvious reasons, Lemon's mind is blow that her mother turned down the chance to be an astronaut's wife. But Mrs. Lemon says she was fresh out of secretarial school and was headed off to take a secretary's position at Sterling Cooper. Moreover, she was 26 years old, a veritable Old Maid! "So I settled for a wonderful man, and I have never regretted it," she says, "not even when I watched Ed Aldrin walk on the moon!" Apparently she always called him Ed because their "town had, like, five Buzzes." Lemon flips out that her mom didn't marry Buzz Aldrin and that Laura Linney didn't play her in the HBO original movie Moon Wives.
Outside, Jack finds Verna at the elevator bank. She tells him she's quitting because Jenna doesn't appreciate her enough. Jack reminds her what's at stake (boobs!) and says the decision should be simple: She can leave today walk around with wonkier boobs than Britney Spears, or she can play nice for another day and get her headlights in working order.
Tracy's dressing room. Novella has stopped by for some research QT, but Tracy is snubbing her. He claims she's beneath him and his Guinness World Record for "Most Car Accidents in a Single Year." Moreover, he'd rather be alone on stage than with someone whose resume lists the role of "Black Judge" nine times. She gives just as good as she gets, asking, "And do you think I wanted a fake son who recorded an anti-condom PSA?" Tracy screams that he saved a lot of kids from lame sex. Novella leaves angrily, and Tracy plops down on the couch like a spoiled child.
Meanwhile, Colleen ambushes Avery over in the Hot Box studio. She gives Avery a passive-aggressive piece of advice about emphasizing her ass before explicitly warning her to make her intentions clear to Jack since he might have "other irons in the fire." Attack completed, Colleen continues her reign of terror over Kenneth, who she's taken to calling "Karl" just to screw with him.
Jack finds Lemon in the staff kitchen to ask if she's seen Colleen. She hasn't, but she's still fuming about her mother's teensy weensy confession. She can't believe she had true love and threw it away for inconvenience. Jack reminds her that if her mom had married Buzz Aldrin, she'd never have existed, but Lemon prefers to think that she would have been born as male astronaut Peter Aldrin. Jack offers to introduce Lemon to meet Buzz Aldrin (whom he saw the night before at Rupert Murdoch's Twister party) so she could get a taste of what life would have been like with Buzz as her dad. (Though I say who cares if this ravishing beauty wouldn't have been her mother!)
Back in Tracy's dressing room, Jenna comes to complain about what a disaster the Mother's Day special is turning into, no thanks to Verna. Her trials and tribulations show Tracy that things aren't so bad with Novella. They both acknowledge that nobody's perfect and that parents -- real or fake -- are with you for the long haul. It's quite a delightful heart-to-heart. Luckily Tracy only got a button stuck in one ear and was able to hear the whole thing.
Upstairs, Jack finds a seething Avery in his office. She gets straight to the point and asks if he's with another woman. Jack says they both know how the other feels, so why don't they just skip the denying and the screaming and go straight to make-up sex. She concedes they never had a conversation about exclusivity, even though she understood it to be implied. Jack is all too ready to accept her "apology," but she's not buying it. She tells him to figure things out (i.e. choose her) before they can move forward.
Buzz Aldrin's Crash Pad. Lemon arrives and mentions her mother. Buzz remembers her instantly. Lemon wonders what her mom missed out on by not marrying Buzz. After a little screaming at the moon to go back where it came from until night time, Buzz tells her Mrs. Lemon didn't miss out on much -- just years of drinking, depression, and cheating, plus one particularly unsavory incident involving a gun in his jean shorts at the Aerospace Museum. Buzz admits that he would have only put Lemon's mother through Hell if she'd stuck by him. At this, Lemon realizes once and for all that Mike Dexter is but an unreachable figment of her imagination. To make up for disappointing her, Buzz offers to yell at the moon with her. One highlight: "I walked on your face!"
Back at 30 Rock, Verna -- in the Jenna-sanctioned blazer/jeans combo -- finds Jenna in makeup to say that she's willing to sacrifice the national exposure for rompers. In turn, Jenna takes off her styling cape to reveal that she's wearing the romper. Verna wonders who's paying Jenna to wear the ugly thing. Jenna says she's wearing the romper for the same reason her mom put on the stylish duds -- because she loves her. They embrace as Verna says she loves Jenna, too. Unfortunately, the embrace is made slightly uncomfortable when Jenna gets an up-close and personal experience of Verna's unfinished augmentation. Verna fibs that her chest feels weird because she loves Jenna so much. Mmmmhmmmm...
Mrs. Lemon's '50s music starts playing again as the camera pans over to show Tracy looking sadly at Jenna and Verna from out in the hall. Novella emerges from a dressing room behind him. He turns around and says, "You look beautiful... mom." She thanks him as her son. He jokes that he's ready for his sex talk, and they hug, too.
Lemon walks past this scene on the way to find her mom snapping a picture of the TGS sign. Lemon tells her mom she was right to settle. Mrs. Lemon thanks her for the acknowledgment, then pleads with her to settle down and have her own family "before [her] hereditary dementia sets in."
Down the corridor, Jack tracks down Colleen to chew her out for tattling on him to Avery. Colleen tells him that he can do many things well, but love isn't one of them. He snaps that he wonders where that came from, so she pulls the ultimate trump card. She says she won't be around for long, and that he'll fritter away his days with Avery and Nancy until they're gone, too. "And where will I be?" she asks. "I'll be circling the globe in my coffin rocket!" Colleen tells Jack she's done disapproving and just wants to make sure someone will look out for him. He asks for her advice for the first time in his life, and for the first time in her life, she can't give it to him. Kenneth interrupts the dramatic moment to let Jack know he's still keeping track of Colleen and that "Karl will not let you down." Then he realizes that "Karl" doesn't sound right and scampers off in a tizzy over what his actual name is. Point, Colleen.
Bonus! The TGS moms bless us with a special rendition of that old classic ditty "Don't Get to Bed with a Frown." up: A special Mother's Day edition of Bitch Hunter. And just as Will Ferrell doesn't even give us a kicker joke, I haven't bothered to transcribe any this week, guys. Sorry but mothers just aren't that funny apparently. Mothers-in-law, now that's a different story.
Browse our verbal dictionary to keep up with 30 Rock's lingo.
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