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Lemon hopes to run on the treadmill to fit into her bridesmaid dress for Cerie's wedding. Instead, she must run around like a chicken with her head cut off when Tracy announces Grizz's engagement, and it becomes clear that the role of best man is in contention. Tracy childishly insists Grizz choose him, even though Grizz wants Dot Com for it. Tracy finally spills to Lemon that he's taking a bullet for Dot Com, who is in love with Grizz's fiancée. (And wouldn't you guess her name's Feyoncé?) Lemon thinks it's all sorted until Grizz makes her read Tracy and Dot Com a letter expressing his unwavering desire to have Dot Com take on the duties. Seeing Dot Com's anguish, Lemon ultimately gives Grizz a much-needed, Jenna-inspired pep talk about the wonder and weirdness of love (see below). Dot Com is off the hook, but somehow Lemon manages to rope herself into being the "woman of honor" on the same day as she is part of Cerie's wedding party.
Jack has his own bird to deal with -- a peacock named Argus that Don Geiss bequeathed to him in his will. Argus, you see, was there during all of Geiss and Jack's bonding moments on Geiss's veranda. He is the last piece of his mentor that Jack has left. Therefore Jack is damned if the bird will fall ill. He commissions Kenneth to drop all his other duties and tend to the bird. Kenneth swears he hears Argus cluck out the words senpai and kōhai, i.e. Geiss and Jack's Japanese nicknames that translate to "master" and "pupil." Jack deduces that Geiss has implanted his spirit in the bird. They two old friends share a couple glasses of scotch, remember the good times, and Jack finally says a proper goodbye to his role model.
Jenna, meanwhile, finds herself one odd bird of a boyfriend named Paul (Will Forte). Hoping to avoid the dramatics of the past, Lemon and Pete decide to follow Paul to a dive bar and meet his alter ego, 'Gina (sounds like "try-nuh") Baloney. And in case you've never met Jenna, clearly she knows about Paul's nighttime escapades. In fact, she met him at a Jenna Maroney impersonator contest ("...in which I placed fourth," she brags). Yes, my friends, Jenna has succeeded in the heretofore impossible. Bitch is dating herself. It was only a matter of time, I guess. Lemon thinks this development is weird, even for Jenna, and questions 'Gina's motives. She confronts shim, finds that 'Gina is pure of heart, and gives her blessing -- just in time for some Jenna-on-'Gina make out action and a truly disturbing duet of "All By Myself."
Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Lemon moans to Jack that she just got her bridesmaid dress for Cerie's wedding. Apparently Cerie has instituted a built-in weight limit by ordering the dresses in Vietnamese size 2. Lemon vows to beat the dress at its own game and has joined a support group -- or, as Jack calls it, "a suicide cult." Speaking of death, Jack says he got a call from Don Geiss's estate lawyer because Jack's in Geiss's will. Jack is excited at the prospect of having a piece of Geiss's legacy. Lemon is, too, but mainly for the "only on TV" home hospital equipment. Credits.
Studio. Tracy announces Grizz's impending nuptials. Assuming it'll be him, Tracy urges Grizz to announce whom he's chosen as his best man. Grizz says he hasn't chosen yet. Tracy does not take this well and walks off sulking.
Lemon moves on to fret about telling Jenna they can't run a Kardashian-themed skit she's pitched (apparently Jack is BFF with Lamar Odom). When Lemon breaks the news to Jenna, the diva herself is surprisingly cool about it. Then she asks how Pete's son with the broken arm is doing. Lemon immediately knows something is amiss and asks, "Are you soaking your tampons in vodka again?" Jenna spills that she met a guy who's made her really happy. Pete foolishly thinks Jenna's new romance might lighten the load for them a bit, but Lemon knows better than that. She reminds him of Jenna's crazy relationships (and crazier boyfriends, including but not limited to a sniper). She says they've got to put the breaks on this courtship or, like all the others, it'll end up biting them in the ass. Or, in Pete's case, the stomach.
Geiss's will reading. Everyone's in attendance: Cathy, Mrs. Geiss, the mistress, Jack, the secret Canadian family, the secret attic family, et al. Cathy inherits an heirloom pocket watch that she has already destroyed by plunking it in her mouth. And, the moment we've all been waiting for: Jack inherits Geiss's beloved pet peacock Argus. And boy is he a beaut. Jack nearly wells up with the sentiment of it all.
30 Rock. Grizz interrupts as Lemon tries to pour herself into the bridesmaid dress. He says he hopes his engagement isn't too awkward given their "sexual past," then asks Lemon to break the news to Tracy that Grizz has tapped Dot Com to be his best man. Grizz appreciates how in sync they are, saying "We really were the Sam and Diane of this place!"
Studio. Jenna skips in to introduce her new boyfriend Paul (Will Forte) to Lemon and Pete. Lemon probes for the basic info on Paul. Jenna attempts to obscure information about Paul at every turn, but it's pretty clear he works for some sort of financial institution. Why she doesn't want anyone to know this is still TBD. Lemon notices as much, and Pete speculates that Paul is an "already married cat strangler." Stay tuned!
Lemon heads up to Jack's office and is startled by Argus. Jack explains about the bird (or, as Lemon calls it, "Ack! Living dinosaur!"), saying Geiss actually had Argus long before he owned NBC. Lemon thinks it's a weird gift and eyes the bird anxious as Jack reminisces about the many fond memories Argus with privy to between Jack and Geiss. He says Geiss and he had nicknames for each other. Lemon interjects, "Like we might some day, 'J-Town?'" Jack ignores the overture, elaborating that he and Geiss went on a trip to Japan and were inspired (by the movie Rising Sun) to call each other senpai and kōhai, or "master" and "pupil." Jack says Argus is all that remains of his senpai. Lemon starts express her sympathy for Jack's loss, but the bird wallops her across the face. Jack grows quiet and uneasy, telling Lemon that Argus has marked her and must think she's his wife. Jack tells her to get out ASAP. As she flees, Argus spreads his magnificent feathers out.
Downstairs a bit later, Lemon and Grizz tread carefully into Tracy's dressing room. A too smiley Lemon tells Tracy she has a great idea: He can be the singer at Grizz's wedding. Tracy sees her enthusiasm and raises her one serious hissy fit. He dresses down Grizz -- "I've known you since you were six feet tall!" -- and says he knows they're trying to manipulate him out of being best man. He screams at Grizz, "It's because of you I'm having a tantrum, now pick up that table and smash it for me!" Grizz dutifully obliges.
Lemon escapes the outburst, only to walk into Jenna's dressing room and find Paul in there alone, fondling Jenna's gold jewelry. Lemon skulks back outside and finds Pete to tell him that Paul's weirdness is escalating. To wit, Paul creepily slits open Jenna's door to look at them through it, then slowly closes it back. Point taken. Lemon says she and Pete need to step up their break-up game, so they make a plan to follow Paul CIA-style that night after work.
Jack's office. Kenneth enters and admires the "swamp eagle." Jack fears that a Geiss-less Argus isn't adjusting well to this new environment. He won't even "eat any of the peacock food [Jack] got him at the crazy rich person store." Jack wonders what to do. Kenneth sniffs out the situation (literally) and notes that Argus has recently taken a mate. When Jack confirms that it's Lemon, Kenneth wishes the bird good luck. Then, as they walk out, he tells Jack that Argus is quite old and probably doesn't have long to live. Jack bids Kenneth to put all of his Page duties on hold to ensure Argus's welfare.
Downstairs, Lemon confronts Tracy about his antics with Grizz and tells him to grow up. Tracy admits that he doesn't actually want to be best man, he just wants to protect Dot Com, who's in love with Grizz's fiancée, Feyoncé. Lemon is impressed that Tracy is actually using his "infantile selfishness" for good. "You think that's impressive?" he asks. "Watch me stand on one foot!" Oh, Tracy, stick to your day job. The two of them argue over who will convince Grizz to pick Tracy to be his best man, so of course it falls to Lemon, who is now fretting that she'll never fit into her bridesmaid dress.
Tracy walks off, and Pete appears in the shadows wearing his stalking fedora and signals her to follow him. They reach a bar, and Pete's on his bajillionth beer when Lemon begins to wonder if they lost Paul. On cue, the night's featured performer, 'Gina (sounds like "try-nuh") Baloney sings about her muffin top. Yep, Paul's a Jenna impersonator. Lemon orders five more cranberry juices for her trouble -- and perhaps for her 'gina baloney.
30 Rock, day. Lemon fills Jack in on the 'Gina Baloney situation, but he's too preoccupied with making Argus immortal courtesy of Kenneth's backwoods remedies. Lemon bites the bullet, suggesting that perhaps Jack is so obsessed with keeping the peacock alive because he never properly acknowledged Geiss's death. Jack insists he did go through all five stages of grief. Cue slow-mo pantomime sequence set to dramatic music in which the fifth stage of grief is "Shoving Down Emotions and Proceeding as if Everything's Fine." Kenneth interrupts to tell Jack that Argus is sleeping. Jack runs off frantic that some random peacock part might be filling with mucus as they speak. Lemon tells Kenneth none of Jack's stress is about the peacock. She says she has a plan to help Jack and charges Kenneth to take the lead because she's "stretched pretty thin." Kenneth interjects, "Well, not New York thin," and merits a slap from Lemon. He agrees to do the bidding of Lemon, a.k.a. "Mrs. Argus."
Before Lemon can catch a breath, Grizz approaches with a morose face. He hands her an envelope labeled "My Feelings" and asks her to read the contents aloud to Tracy and Dot Com. She agrees, spinning the tale of how Grizz and Dot Com have known each other since they both attended Above the Beanstalk, a summer camp for giants, then asks the others on Grizz's behalf to respect his decision to tap Dot Com as best man. She finishes reading, "'I will always be your--' oh no, no, I'm white. I can't read that word... '--friend from the neighborhood. -Grizz'" Dot Com makes a big show of how he is honored and "no one is getting hurt... no one at all." Lemon tip-toes off as the three guy
s stare each other down.
She makes her way into the kitchen to find Jenna. She digs to find out whether Jenna's privy to Paul's moonlighting gig. Unsurprisingly, Jenna is aware. In fact, that's how she and Paul met -- at a Jenna Maroney impersonator contest, in which Jenna was not a judge but a participant. Lemon scrunches up into what Jenna calls her "judgmental badger face" and says this is weird even for Jenna. Jenna tells her they won't be speaking until Lemon gets on board. Pete pops out from behind a wall and rubs it in Lemon's judgmental badger face that she's in trouble.
Upstairs, Argus is still awake, but Kenneth is confused. He knows all the peafowl calls by heart (and we get a taste of some), but he's never heard one say "senpai and kōhai." An astonished Jack quickly jumps to the conclusion that Geiss's soul has transplanted itself into Argus. He wonders aloud if such a thing is possible. Kenneth sagely says, "Sir, I think that there's a lot about this world that we don't understand -- like the afterlife... or how bread turns into toast."
Downstairs, Lemon acts surprised as Dot Com reiterates his Feyoncé-loving conundrum to Lemon. He asks her to sort things out. She reluctantly agrees, then receives a sneaky call from Kenneth in which everyone is codenamed "Badger." Not sure where that's going, but I'm sure we'll know soon enough.
Lemon walks out into the hall and sees Jenna. She catches up to her only to find that it's actually 'Gina. Lemon confronts shim about its motives. 'Gina insists, "I am the luckiest shman in the world" and that (s)he "would never tuck my penis again if Jenna asked." You see, while 'Gina gets the pleasure of listening to Jenna's musical voice as she rants at her cleaning lady, (s)he doesn't understand what Jenna gets out of their little romance. Lemon finally sees the light, acknowledging that 'Gina is a perfect companion for Jenna because "she finally gets to love herself." As proof, Jenna creeps up to them and excitedly asks what they're talking about. Her, of course. Lemon gives the happy couple her blessing and starts to leave the two lovebirds alone. Unfortunately, she doesn't get out in time to miss Jenna and 'Gina playing tonsil hockey, and Jenna grabbing 'Gina's boobs. Ladies and gentleman, the world's first I-sexual.
Upstairs, a tousled Jack fortifies himself with scotch before asking Geiss's spirit, via Argus, to give him a sign. The bird hops off its perch toward the liquor cart. Jack takes that as a sign Geiss wants a drink, so he pours the bird a double. As the bird dips its head and clucks obliviously, Jack addresses his senpai. He says Geiss was like a father to him and that he wants to live his life to make him proud. "I just wish you could be here to watch me do it," he sighs. Argus paternally touches his plumage to Jack's knee, and with that Jack may have finally addressed his underlying bereavement.
Back downstairs, Lemon finds Grizz sitting on the stage with his head in his hand. She tells him it doesn't matter who's his best man because "love is weird..." (cut to shots of Jenna and 'Gina in flagrante) "and sometimes gross." She tells Grizz to focus on the love he shares with Feyoncé, to cherish it, and maybe not leave it alone with Dot Com. A few minute later, she's corralled the guys to announce that she'll be serving as Grizz's "woman of honor" and will be speechifying in a dashiki. Did we mention that Grizz is getting married on the same day as Cerie? And a third person that I've forgotten. Recapper, you suck!
Bonus! Jenna serenades a mirror to the tune of, appropriately, "All By Myself." The mirror's reflection is -- you guessed it -- 'Gina. The camera pans up to reveal the shman in all its glory, dressed identically to Jenna. They come together to hog the power notes equally, stopping only for a repulsively wide-mouthed kiss. You guys might have to Hulu this one because I'm not sure words can do it justice. And I'm not sure they should, frankly. Until then, you know the drill...
Inheritance Tact
Jack: I just received a call from Don Geiss's estate lawyer. Apparently I've been named in his will.
Lemon: I know this is a difficult time for you, but word of advice -- if the will says you have to spend the night at a haunted house, you better hope that everybody else there is black guys and sluts.
Jack: I just want something to remember the man by -- his pen or his tie clip... maybe that boyhood sled he held so dear. I believe he called it... "Sleddy." Something that I can then pass on to my protegé.
Lemon: Any chance it's one of those bendy hospital beds?
Jack: Maybe! He did have three.
Lemon: He was such an amazing man!
Death at the Nuptial
Lemon: Another wedding?
Pete: Life is like TV. Testing tells us that people like weddings, births, and episodes where a character dies.
Lemon: Dumb.
Guy in Background: My heart! [Crashes to ground.]
Tracy's Momma Jokes
Tracy: I thought Grizz might want to take this time to announce who's gonna be his best man.
Grizz: Ummm, I haven't decided yet.
Tracy [mockingly]: "Ummm, I haven't decided yet." You sound like my mother talking to the Planned Parenthood lady! Seriously, which one of your rich and famous friends with Hepatitis B are you going to pick?
Grizz: Let's not do this in front of everybody.
Tracy [double mocking]: Let's not do this in front of everybody? You sound like my mother being pulled on-stage at a 2 Live Crew concert! Damn, my mother had problems.
Geiss Cubes
Lemon: What a weird gift.
Jack: Not at all. When Don was first taking me under his wing, he and I would sit on the veranda of his home in Connecticut, talking about business, politics, how to avoid getting paper cuts while making love on a pile of money... and our friend Argus would strut proudly through the garden. We three peacocks felt like we owned the world.
Dream Bally
Lemon: Paul is getting weirder. We have got to step it up.
Pete: You know what we should do? We should follow him! I don't care how long it takes.
Lemon: What's going on? Your kids have a play tonight?
Pete [dejectedly]: Oklahoma. They couldn't find cowboy hats big enough for my kids' heads, so they're just wearing turbans.
Lemon: It's on. When Paul leaves, we follow him CIA-style. And afterwards I go to the gym. [Everyone within earshot laughs heartily.] Words are the first step on the road to deeds!
Smack Talk
Lemon: Hey, dummy! What are you doing to Grizz?
Tracy: Whoa, you watch your mouth before I show you the back of my hand. [He reveals the back of his, which has a sign on it that reads, "Please be nice to me."]
Lemon: You gotta grow up about this best man thing.
Tracy: Liz Lemon, I don't even wanna be best man. Why would I? Show up on time? Not lose the ring? Keep my shirt on through dinner? Pshhhhhh.
Experimentation for All, I Say!
Lemon: Jack, I just found out that Jenna is dating a guy who does a drag show -- as her.
Jack: Lemon, what is with this food layout? Kenneth says he needs some sumac bark and shrub yellow root to make a poultice for Argus.
Lemon: How is your thing weirder than mine?
Jack: I am not letting that bird die. For God's sake, if we can put an ear on a mouse's back, we can certainly make a peacock immortal.
Jenna-tation Is the Sincerest Form of Flattery
Lemon: Hey, Jenna, so nice to meet Paul. Interesting guy. How much do you know about him?
Jenna: Well, I lost a toe ring in him, so I'd say a lot.
Lemon: No, I mean what he does at night. And what he wears there. And who he's being?
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Jenna: So you know about Paul's act?
Lemon: What, you know about Paul's act?
Jenna: How do you think we met? Paul won a Jenna Maroney impersonator contest -- in which I came in fourth.
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