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Jack realizes he can't keep up with double-dating, so he sets about a rigorous set of tests to determine which woman is right for him. When he consults his HEART -- a points-based system based on "Hard Equations And Rational Thinking" -- the ladies come up even. So he tosses a dart at a board with their pictures. It lands smack in the middle. Foiled! His selection process is disrupted by Khonani, an aptly named custodian who signed a contract five years ago to take over the 11:30 p.m. janitorial shift at NBC. Jack honors the contract and moves Subhas, the original 11:30 janitor, to 10 p.m. From the resultant strife is born Team Khokho. Viva Khokho!
Meanwhile, Angie tells Tracy to step up his husband game during her pregnancy. After Tracy unsuccessfully sends Kenneth to perform his husbandly duties for him, Tracy gives it the old college try only to somehow end up in a strip club with a sandwich meant for Angie. He takes drastic measures, locking himself into the electric dog collar usually worn by his horse-impregnating Rottweiler, and sending Kenneth to take care of something at Lemon's apartment. But more on that...
... now! After Lemon spots her coworkers socializing beyond 30 Rock, Lemon discovers they've excluded her for years. So she does the sensible thing and hijacks Cerie's bridal shower to prove that, TGS staffers be damned, she's fun! She makes it about five seconds and one Jenna rendition of "Jimmy Crack Corn" into the party before flipping her shit. Her tantrum is interrupted when Kenneth runs in with Tracy's rabid pooch in his wake. The group finally decides to include Lemon -- and by "include" I mean make her their sacrificial lamb. Lemon puts on every mauling-resistant piece of clothing she owns and takes one for the team. It's a win-win for everyone, really.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!30 Rock. Lemon approaches Tracy in the hallway and tells him she saw the other TGS staffers out without them the night before. Flash to Lemon spotting a restaurant window sign that reads "The Buffalo Chicken Shake is Back!" When she looks in the window, she sees everyone else from the show high-fiving each other, Top Gun-style. She wonders to herself, "Nerds?" Then cries to the heavens, "Nerds!" Back at 30 Rock, Tracy says he's known about the staff outings (a.k.a. Thursday Night Thunder) for years. Lemon Stephanie Tanners a "How rude!" Tracy says he couldn't go last night because he had to take Angie to the ER on account of pregnancy complications... "so that trumps your little problem." Lemon agrees and asks how Angie is. Tracy says she and the baby are fine. Lemon offers to do anything she can. And what do you know? Tracy has something in mind: "Could you take care of Angie like a husband until this whole ass-ache blows over?" When she declines, Tracy asks Kenneth if he can assume the husbandly duties. Before you can say "overextended lackey," Kenneth literally runs out the door to do Tracy's bidding. Credits.
Upstairs, Lemon finds Jack still stuck in his dilemma: Avery or Nancy. The night before he nearly called Avery "Nancy" and had to cover it up by saying he has a "Nana fetish." According to Jack, "Avery actually tried to get on board. Later that night, she put some mothballs behind her ears and fed me peppermints." Jack vows to make a decision between his two ladies that day, even though it'll be the hardest decision he's ever made. Lemon goes all Nicholas Sparks on him, saying in a melodramatic affectation that maybe he was missing the love that was standing in front of him all along as she rubs his face delicately with the back of her hand. He recoils in horror as she laughs at her own joke.
He asks her why she's up in his office, anyway. She tells him about being excluded from her co-workers' nights out. He tells her that's to be expected, since she's the boss, adding, "Bosses need to keep their distance from their subordinates." On cue, Kenneth pops his head in to give Jack a minute-by-minute of where he's going for the couple hours and promises to call him to assure him he's safe. His own advice basically invalidated, Jack still screams out that he doesn't care, but Kenneth's already chirped, "I love you!" and scampered off. Lemon chagrins that she thought her co-workers were like family until she saw them last night. Jack invites her to come up and have a drink with him from time to time. She snarks, "Great, that sounds really fun," and impishly mimes pouring herself a drink from Jack's absent bar (see below).
Tracy's dressing room. Tracy's Cheez-Wiz huffing is interrupted when Kenneth calls from Tracy's house. He has a slap mark on his face and says, diplomatically, that things have "deteriorated." Tracy doesn't really care about all that, but Kenneth urges Tracy to come home to quell Angie's wrath. Tracy whines that Kenneth is so much better at "that serving stuff" and wonders why he can't just do it. Kenneth asks if Tracy remembers his vow to love Angie in sickness and in health. Says Tracy, "To be honest, I couldn't really understand anything Rick James was saying." Kenneth looks around anxiously as he begs Tracy one last time to come home. Tracy agrees, welcoming Kenneth to help himself to anything in the fridge while he's on his way home. "And once I'm there," says Tracy, "I'll determine how much to charge you."
Writers' room. Lemon pointedly asks if any of her staffers did anything fun last night. Frank claims he went to the doctor. When Lemon asks why, he shows her some gross arm situation that "looks like the underside of an octopus." Cerie interrupts to ask if she can talk to Lemon and Jenna in "that office where everyone clips their toenails." By which, of course, she means Lemon's office.
Once inside the toenail vault, Cerie tells them her wedding is back on for May 22 after her fiancé was rescued from the pirates that captured his parents' yacht. She tells them that "the bridesmaids will be you guys, Andy Roddick's wife, some of my Dutch cousins, and Penélope Cruz's hotter sister Monica." Jenna patronizingly pats Lemon's shoulder as she tells her how out of place she'll be. Cerie gets to the point: If she's going to have a work party, it has to be this week since her schedule is filling up. Oh yeah, and they might have to walk down the aisle with some pirates. Lemon sees the opportunity to force herself into her staff's social outings and assumes the responsibility of planner for Cerie's party. And it's going to be tonight. And it's going to be FUN! "So screw both of you, and screw everybody out here," she yells at the writers. "Liz Lemon is having a party! And there ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party, 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory!"
Upstairs, Jack looks at two white boards and gives himself a pep talk: "All right, Donaghy, follow your heart." One of the boards has pictures of Avery and Nancy with a line down the middle. We pan over to the other one, which has the word "HEART" written on it. Turns out "HEART" is an acronym for Jack's points-based system based on "Hard Equations And Rational Thinking." He scribbles all sorts of equations and variables on the board, eventually tabulating each woman's "HEART" value. They're dead even at 489.3 apiece. He spits out, "Damn you, HEART!" The system having failed him, he leaves it to chance, tossing a dart over his shoulder at the board with the ladies' pictures on it. It lands square in the middle.
Jonathan busts in with a "minor janitor problem" and apologizes for letting a Kashmiri into Jack's office. The janitor says he just needs five minutes of Jack's time, to which Jonathan fumes in their foreign tongue, "Five minutes? Popes and princes count their Donaghy time in seconds!" He rushes the janitor out. Jack hurls another dart at the board. It splits through the last one. I think Jack should take up another career. Desperate for distraction, Jack calls to Jonathan that he'll handle the janitor situation because "bosses should stay deeply involved with their subordinates." Jonathan perks up, "Does this mean you're coming to my cabaret?"
Jack dismisses him and welcomes in the janitor. In short, Jack signed a contract five years ago with this janitor, Khonani, promising Khonani that he could take over the 11:30 p.m. janitorial shift. Now Khonani's coming to collect. He wants the money and the prestige, damn it. Jack gives Khonani the 11:30 p.m. shift effectively immediately. On his way out, Khonani asks if he can have Nancy and Avery's pictures for a "special janitor book." Jack says absolutely not.
Tracy's house. Kenneth has now climbed onto the kitchen counter in an attempt to fend off Tracy's Rottweiler, Tracy Senior. "I trained him to hate white people," says Tracy, "because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white." Tracy shows Kenneth Tracy Sr.'s collar for the invisible electric fence Angie had installed. It was the only way they could stop him from running away to cause car wrecks and impregnate neighbors' horses, says Tracy. Takes after daddy! (Well, minus the horse thing.) Tracy says he feels trapped just like the dog. Kenneth assures him he's not trapped, but that Angie just wants a little bit of his time and attention. Presently she'd like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Tracy says, "Nooooo! We're not supposed to do any sex stuff while she's on bed rest." Kenneth makes an awesome TMI face before clarifying that Angie wants an actual sandwich, to eat. Tracy says he's on it. He makes the sandwich and heads toward the bedroom... Flash forward, and he's landed in a strip club, PB&J still in hand.
Jenna's dressing room. Lemon asks Jenna for advice about party supplies. Jenna assures her no one really cares about her little party before getting paged to rehearsal. As she leaves, Lemon phone buzzes. It's Jack, asking for the phone number of Subhas, the current 11:30 p.m. janitor. Apparently, Lemon called him frequently for home toilet situations. She squeaks, "It's not that, we're dating!" but Jack doesn't care. He just wants to give Subhas the bad news. Lemon wonders what of Avery and Nancy. Jack tells her that he's prioritizing the janitorial emergency for the moment. Lemon returns to Subhas, wondering why Jack would give away his shift if he's doing a good job still. Jack says, "Honestly, these immigrants have a tough life, no healthcare, and I kind of just thought he'd die before it became a thing." Lemon calls Jack out for avoiding his real problems with this little diversion. Jack orders her to give him the phone number, which she naturally knows by heart.
Jack hangs up the phone. Khonani is sitting patiently in his office. Jack tells him they're going to have to handle this transition with Subhas very carefully. Khonani assures Jack that Subhas will want to leave so he can nurture his hobbies: "He collects classic car--" he coughs, "cardboard. Classic cardboard."
Tracy returns to his house in a tizzy that Kenneth failed to keep him from the strip club. He bemoans the fact that he can't change his ways. As he gets more and more worked up, his phone buzzes. It's Lemon telling him to unleash himself for her party tonight. He tells her he can't come because he has to take care of Angie. She begs him to change his mind so that she can prove to her co-workers she's not sour and boring and that she's worthy of being including. Tracy's frenzy is obviously catching. Lemon gets agitated enough to shriek out in German, "This party must go perfectly! They will regret disliking me!"
Tracy warns her about letting her party get out of hand. "Parties are like Frisbees," he warns her. "If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry!" He warns further warns her not to throw her party for vengeance: "It'll turn on you -- like your wife... after your kid has fallen into a quarry." Sounds like someone has some personal experience here. And that someone is not Lemon. She exasperatedly tells Tracy she doesn't need him and is going to have a great party with or without him. She hangs up with a face that suggests she knows that outcome is not possible.
On the other side, Tracy frets that a party needs saving, and he's the only one who can do it. Furthermore, he worries that his body will heed the call of a busted-ass party even if his mind knows he needs to attend to his pregnant wife. He reaches a solution: He will wear Tracy Sr.'s electric collar. It's the only way.
30 Rock. Jack is negotiating the terms of Khonani's move to 11:30 with Subhas. It gets ugly quick, so Jack diplomatically suggests they "reinvent the way people think about their nightly trash removal." He thinks if Subhas moves to 10:00 p.m., everyone will get what they want and he'll look like a genius and a hero. He even coins a term for this situation: Innoventing.
Tracy's house. The collar is officially on. Kenneth wonders how Tracy will stop himself from simply taking it off. Tracy tells him to pour glue in the lock, which is how his children keep him out of the liquor cabinet. Kenneth obliges and offers to stick around to make sure Tracy doesn't get into any hijinks. Tracy refuses, saying Kenneth needs to attend Lemon's party in his place. He takes off his "TJ" bling necklace and anoints Kenneth his rightful replacement. Kenneth starts out the door, but Tracy stops him, saying he doesn't "walk that well." Kenneth staggers out with a more Tracy-appropriate walk, which translates to my eyes as partial stroke victim. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, I guess.
Jack's office. He stares at the pictures of Avery and Nancy as Khonani mills around. Jack asks how things are going, and Khonani angrily says Subhas emptied all of the trash during his shift, so now there is no trash left for him. Jack thinks quick, suggesting Khonani and Subhas share 11:30. "No," says Khonani firmly, "I wouldn't do that to 11:30." He tells Jack to make a decision. This brings up all of Jack's issues with his double-dipping dating. He says, "Don't you think I know what it's like to have two amazing people who both want the same thing? I do! And with Nancy and Avery, I'm the thing, Khonani. I'm the trash shift." Khonani empathizes that it's a tough situation but says it won't be possible to make everyone happy. One person's heart will be broken, but Jack must choose regardless. Jack bites the bullet and tells Khonani he's sticking with Subhas. Khonani takes it well, assuring Jack not to worry because "I have a job at Fox--" he coughs. "--woods. Foxwoods Casino." As he makes his way out, Jack tells him to get that cough checked out.
Tracy's house. Kenneth calls to remind Tracy that Angie needs her blood pressure medication. The one snag? It's in the her car outside of the invisible fence perimeter. Tracy faces an unforeseen dilemma: Risk electrocuting himself and going bananas, or fail to attend to his wife's needs? Kenneth offers to come back and fetch the medicine for him, but Tracy says it's something he has to do. Kenneth assures him he's a good husband. Suddenly he hears a low growl in the background. It appears Tracy Sr. has followed him from the house and is now playing a game of predator and prey. Tracy suggests Kenneth cut off a finger and toss it in the river to throw Tracy Sr. off his scent. Kenneth opts out of that plan, instead hopping on his bike and pedaling furiously.
Lemon's party. Jenna compliments Lemon on replicating the vibe of the "post-coital suite at the NBA All-Star game." Lemon hops on the karaoke mic and suggest someone should say a few words. Jenna takes this to mean her as she swipes the mic to sing a bit of "Jimmy Crack Corn." Lemon snatches the mic back and welcomes people to her party. She says the karaoke machine is ready to go. At this, Frank and Lutz high five, triggering flashbacks in Lemon. She flips out on them, calling them out for excluding her from Thursday Night Thunder for years. She bitches about how she thought she had a family at work but has instead just spent money to impress them enough to invite her to their stupid bar nights. She demands they go around the room and individually apologize to her. Cerie, mind you, has been in the same frozen position the entire time. Just as Frank begins to declare this to be the worst party every, Kenneth busts in with Tracy Sr. hot on his trail.
Tracy's house. Just as Tracy is strolling closer to the car and thinking maybe the collar doesn't work on people, he gets the shock of his life. He crawls and lurches through the pain to retrieve Angie's medicine. As he grabs it, he realizes he's now free to do whatever he wants: "Like go to Lemon's party... or one of those places where you skydive off a huge fan." He thinks better of it and starts back to the house. He wonders if maybe the collar doesn't work on the other side. Then, zap! Yep, it does. He begins to bargain to the heavens to end the pain, yowling, "Oh God, if you deliver me from this, I promise every day of my life, I'll go to--" Suddenly, the pain stops. He gets up and brushes himself off, finishing, "Pizza Hut. I'll go to Pizza Hut!"
Lemon's. Everyone has fled into one room. Kenneth breathlessly tries to explain, but Pete cuts him off to point out that Lemon has corralled them into the one room without a fire escape. Everyone starts yelling at her, at which point Jenna mentions that Cerie didn't even come but sent a cardboard cutout in her place. Hence the stillness. Pete tells everyone to shut up so they can figure out what to do. He helplessly looks over at showrunner Lemon, and everyone else's gazes follow. She thinks it's a fine time to suddenly be part of the group. The guys explain to her that this is exactly why they like her -- she's good at solving problems, just not at being fun. Toofer tells her she's like the mom in this family. Lutz adds they need her "to make the monsters go away." Lemon tells them everything's going to be all right before fashioning herself an anti-mauling suit out of, among other things, a football helmet, a puffy jacket, and the jammies James Franco wore. She steps outside to face down the rabid dog while everyone else runs out the door. Pete stops to tell her it was a good party. Tracy Sr. drags her across the floor as she yells, "Everybody take some cupcakes!"
Bonus! Jenna offers Subhas her headshot in case he wants to put it his special book. He flatly rejects her, "You're not book!" Jack tells her that "wanting to be book is not book." Jenna walks off to console herself as Lemon approaches. She reminds him he's got a love triangle to address, proposing a "Top Gun high five for courage." Responds Jack, "Only because you look like you need it so badly." Lemon's fine with that, and they five it out.
You know what is "book?" Jokes.
Tracy Morgan Etiquette Rule #348
Lemon: Hey, did you know that everyone here went out last night without us?
Tracy: Yeah, "Thursday Night Thunder," that's been going on for years.
Lemon: You know about it? How come I've never been invited. Don't you think that's a little bit rude?
Tracy: Well I yelled "Baba Booey" at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not.
Dame, She Looks Good!
Jack: Oh, wow. I haven't seen your brow that furrowed since you saw a picture of Helen Mirren in a bikini.
Lemon: How is it possible? Is she a wizard?
Lemon Lightens the Mood
Jack: This can't go on. I'm making a decision about Nancy and Avery today. I'm going in the bunker, no distractions. I had Jonathan remove the bar and my collection of 18th century French erotica... I've had to make some tough calls over the years: Switching Sheinhardt wig production to 100% Chinese cadaver hair, turning down Dick Cheney's offer to become King of Iraq, selecting the brand-new logo for NBC [Cue NBC chimes as Jack holds up a picture of the NBC peacock pimped out, urban-stylez, with a new logo]: "It's fresh!" But this Nancy-Avery thing is the toughest decision I've ever had to make.
Lemon: Well I'm glad you're taking it seriously. Although [takes on melodramatic soap opera voice], sometimes when you try so hard to find love, you can't see that it's been standing in front of you the whole time. [Rubs Jack's face with the back of her hand.]
Jack: Oh, good God, Lemon!
Lemon: Hahahaha.
Don't Shoot the Parcell
Tracy [picks up the phone]: This better be important, I'm in a meeting.
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan! The situation here has... deteriorated.
Tracy: Great update, Ken. Thanks for checking in, talk to you later!
Kenneth: Actually, sir, I think you should come home. Mrs. Jordan said she's going to turn her rings around if she sees me again.
Meta, Score!
Jack: So what can I do for you?
Khonani: It has been a week sir, and I have heard nothing from you, sir. Have you forgotten our agreement? About me taking over 11:30?
Jack: I'm sorry, what?
Khonani: Five years ago, I threatened to quit unless you got me out of the late-night shift.
Jack: Wow. Other than some notable recent exceptions, NBC never guarantees employment terms five years in advance.
Khonani: I have a contract. [Rips a piece of paper with writing on it off an office paper towel roll.]
Jack: That is my signature.
Khonani: You signed it on April 22, 2005.
Jack: Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.
Khonani: Well, I want the earlier shift. It's better pay and more prestigious. Ever since I am a little boy, I am dreaming of hosting "The Tonight Shift."
Jack: Okay, calm down, Khonani. I understand that I made you a promise, and we're going to honor it. Because this is NBC -- Biggest Loser network.
"Let's Get Sephardic"?
Lemon: Hey, Jenna. If I'm expecting about 20 people tonight, how much ice should I get?
Jenna: Oh, you don't want to mess with that stuff, Liz. Ice has caused a lot of ODs in the porn community. [Lemon shoot her a confused look.] Oh, you mean frozen water? I don't know.
Lemon: Well I just don't want to forget anything.
Jenna: Don't worry. No one's expecting a lot.
Lemon: No! Tonight is going to be different. There's gonna be booze and a karaoke machine and that Black Eyed Peas song they wrote for Bar Mitzvahs!
Tracy's Trials and Strip-ulations
Tracy: Ken! Why did you let me go to a strip club?!
Kenneth: I tried to stop you, sir, but you threw your dog at me.
Tracy: This is bad, because I can't change! I'm like a chameleon -- always a lizard!
But Was He Wearing This?
Tracy [picks up phone in a frenzy]: This better be a meeting, 'cause I'm important!
Lemon: Tracy, it's Liz. I want you to know that at my party tonight, you are off the leash. I want to see the behavior that got you kicked out of the Inaugural Ball.
Tracy: I can't, LL. First of all, the Secret Service never gave me back my T-shirt cannon. And second of all, I gotta stay home and take care of Angie.
Lemon: What? No! Come on, you have to come. I need you. This party has to be off the hook.
Tracy: People don't say that anymore! They say "Surf Party USA."
Trifecta Complete
Tracy [picks up phone]: This better be meatmant, I'm importing.
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, it's Kenneth Parcell -- from work... and friendship!
That Jenna, Always Seeing the Bright Side
Lemon: You think I don't know what that is? I know about Thursday Night Thunder, and I know that I'm not invited!
Pete: Uh-oh.
Lemon: I deserve to be loved!
Frank: Oh no, she's going wide...
Lemon: I am a proud single woman!
Lutz: When did it become about this?
Pete: Go out the window! Save yourselves!
Lemon: I may not have a real family, but I thought at least I had one at work. Which is not what I wanted for myself, by the way. You think when I was a kid I dreamed of someday spending $1,200 on a karaoke machine to impress a bunch of pasty losers?
Jenna: And a professional singer who's beautiful but doesn't know it!
Could There Be a Better Concluding Thought?
Pete: Everybody shut up! We need to figure out what we're going to do. [All eyes drift to Lemon.]
Lemon: Oh, really? Now I'm a part of the group? Now you like me because you're in trouble, and you need someone to bail you out?
Toofer: Yes, that's exactly why we like you!
Frank: We love you. You solve our problems. That's what you're good at! So what if you're not fun at parties?
Jenna: Yeah! You know who's fun at parties? Paris Hilton, Andy Dick, Tracy... and they're all gonna burn in Hell!
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