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So Tracy performs his mating dance for Lemon. Do you:
A. Avert your eyes?
B. Cover your eyes entirely?
C. Watch with unblinking eyes to see the train wreck in all its glory?
D. All of the above.
Before that, though, we join Lemon in the midst of her contentious courtship with Future Husband Wesley. After running out of the things to disagree on for the moment, they realize they might be able to unlock the mystery of their one-time, drug-induced attraction by returning to the doctor with a camcorder and a request for more drugs. The doctor refuses to participate in such foolishness but does show them the current inhabitants of the recovery room, a rag-tag set of match-ups with even less in common than Lemon and Wesley, if you can believe it. After a few more run-ins, Wesley determines that he and Lemon are "settling soul mates," destined to grow old and bitter together, but in separate rooms. Lemon finds this a dismal prospect and ultimately gets the confidence to reject Wesley's dreadfully decent proposal thanks to a pep talk from Tracy. [Although he promises to return for sweeps. - Z]
Never mind that Tracy was trying to seduce her after a former nanny wrote an exposé revealing Mr. Jordan for the monogamist he really is. With his party boy image out the window, Tracy's endorsements drop like flies. Even after a poorly received press conference he can't get the people back on his side. So he decides to make love to Lemon and parade her to the press to restore his image. As you'd expect, that plan falls apart quite quickly. When we leave our man, his fate hangs in the balance.
Just as Jack's was last week when word came down that NBC was being acquired by Philly company Kabletown in the wake of Don Geiss's death. This week, Jack is gearing up for battle, certain that he can prove himself at the company by delivering the innovative spirit that Geiss nurtured in him. Trouble is, Kabletown isn't looking to innovate. The lion's share of its profits are in porn parodies bought on the cheap from outside providers. Jack agonizes over his future as a useless drone in a company that places no premium on creativity. But then, at Geiss 's funeral-slash-cryogenic freezing service, Jack has an epiphany in the middle of his own eulogy. The way of the future? Lady porn! Also known as a good-looking guy in the TV who intermittently says any range of stock answers (including "Uh huh," "How annoying," and "She's clearly jealous of you!") and thus delivers men from the tedium of actually being semi-conscious for the old ball-and-chain's yapping. All for just $24.95 a minute! I love how even "porn for women" serves the needs of men. Blergh.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jack welcomes everyone to the NBC employee town hall meeting, including delegates from Tokyo, to discuss the Kabletown deal. Pennsylvanian Lemon and Masshole Jack debate which town is better: Philadelphia or Boston. There are objects hurled and Survivor alumni name-checked. The meeting gets back on track, only to be disrupted by some ribbing towards the guys from the L.A. studio. Jack takes a moment to invite employees to Don Geiss's funeral. He opens the floor to questions, and Jenna takes the opportunity the attention whore her way through a run-addled rendition of "Amazing Grace" for "Dan Goose." Credits.
After the meeting, Jenna asks Lemon about her date with Wesley. In short, it went horribly (again), but she's giving him a third chance anyway because they happened to attend the same showing of Hot Tub Time Machine. She thinks the universe is pushing them together. Jenna says she had "a similar thing with Michael Douglas. But then [she] realized it was just some old lady" from her building.
Jack interrupts that exploration of Jenna's mental process to beckon Lemon to attend to a Tracy situation. One of his old nannies wrote an exposé that blows the whistle on his fidelity to his wife. He thinks it could destroy his career, which is predicated upon his wild and raunchy image. He says losing his endorsements and revenue streams will make Angie "madder than a bat in a suitcase" -- which reminds him to check on his friend Gordon. Yep, you guessed it. Tracy has a bat in a suitcase. Jack and Lemon duck for cover.
That night after Hot Tub Time Machine, Lemon and Wesley are back to their bickering. He says, "By the way your food obsession is not as endearing as you think it is. [Recapper note: OBJECTION!] It's like being in a Cathy cartoon that just won't end." About the time Lemon starts threatening violence, Wesley proposes perhaps they're not meant to be. She still wants to unravel the mystery of what drugs they were on to make one another think they could be forever-mates. Wesley quips, "At least we'll always have Dr. Kaplan's recovery room. It was our Paris." Lemon says it's too bad they can't go back, and Wesley's eyes flicker with an idea.
The day, Kenneth brings a stack of books into Jack's office. Just as Kenneth once read all about "the dangers of reading," Jack is studying up on Kabletown. Jack has a wistful moment reminiscing about all those great things GE brought to life -- and all the bad things it brought to China's rivers -- but realizes he must move forward now that he won't be able to carry out Don Geiss's great plans for GE. He doesn't know much about what's in store for the company (Kenneth in particular worries about Page age limits), but he has a meeting to pick the brain of an old colleague who defected to Kabletown. He thinks knowing a few insider tips will put him a head above the others when it comes to taking NBC forward.
Kaplan's office. Wesley has brought a video camera (or, as the Brits call it, a "film pod"), and Lemon is trying to convince the good doctor to get them stoned and film them so they can figure out what drew them to each other initially. The doctor's a bit offended by this experiment, so Wesley says the love between them could be the stuff of Notting Hill (see below) if they could just go back under for a bit. The doctor saves them time, and himself anesthesia, by showing them the patients currently bonding in the recovery room. It's a magical place where love knows no race, age, or sexual orientation (witness the older black postal worker and her geeky new bf, or the butch lesbian stroking the face of a Hasidic Jew). He closes the door on that shit show -- and on Lemon and Wesley's relationship. They delete each other's numbers and bid adieu.
30 Rock. Word of the nanny's tell-all has reached the media. Franks holds up a newspaper (headline: "Old Faithful") and expresses his disappointment with Tracy. Jenna gives Tracy a few tips at media relations from her own past. Specifically, deny deny deny. Tracy said he's tried, but his announcement that he's leaving show biz to spend more time with his stripper didn't fly. Dot Com breaks the news that Tracy's been dropped by another of his sponsors. Tracy walks off fretfully, and Jenna and Dot Com mourn his swift implosion.
Jack's office. Dave Hess from Kabletown gives Jack the rundown on NBC's new owner. In a nutshell, Jack doesn't have to do anything because the company has a channel scheme that pays for itself. Namely, all channels between 500 and 600 are pay-per-view porn parodies. This month's moneymakers, so to speak, include many, many ass-tastic riffs on 2010 Oscar nominees. Apparently these cinematic gems generate 91% of Kabletown's profits. Jack asks why they're buying NBC then. Hess explains that the purchase constitutes a "charitable donation for tax purposes." Heh. He adds that Jack will look great standing behind Kabletown's CEO at press conferences. This notion rubs Jack, who considers himself an industry innovator, the wrong way. Hess tells him to go with the flow and admit defeat. Jack wearily quotes the poignant words of Hans Gruber from Die Hard.
Downstairs, Lemon flags a cab to take her home. She doesn't even get her seat belt on before it's rear-ended by another. She hears someone yell, "Bloody Hell!" from inside and braces herself for another unplanned meet-up with Wesley. When the passenger gets out, indeed it's not him. Then a cyclist smashes into the back of the Englishman's cab. Guess who! Wesley calls her a witch, then tells her he thinks he knows why they keep being thrown together like this: They're destined to settle for each other. Even Lemon balks at such a dismal fate. Wesley pooh-poohs romantic love and offers her a separate bedroom in which they can grow old in close-ish proximity. Lemon walks away.
The day in Jack's office, Lemon calls on her grumpy mentor for relationship advice. At Jack's urging, Lemon abridges the speech she had planned about her childhood/adulthood/Oprah-inspired quandaries and gets to the point: Is she meant to settle? In his uncharacteristic funk, Jack opines that perhaps everyone is meant to settle. He cites his disillusionment with Kabletown's indecent proposal. Jack knows he'll be useless in a company that places no value on innovation. He walks out abruptly to "bury Don Geiss, America, and hope."
Downstairs, Tracy's stress has heightened now that women have come forward to say that didn't sleep with him and others have leaked his lovey-dovey voicemails to Angie. Apparently the wifey has instructed him to get some on the side before their family is ripped apart. Jenna wishes she could help but fears losing her own endorsement with Nascar. Tracy worries that no one will sleep with him now that he's been outed as monogamous. Jenna assures him there must be one skank out there who'll take one for Team Jordan. Cut to Lemon's office, where Tracy tries to seduce her with a platter of succulent fruit and some sort of shimmy mating dance. She has not even begun to wrap her mind around what is happening before Tracy loses his nerve, apologizes for the lovemaking that will never be, and crumples onto her couch. Lemon tells him to be grateful for all the good things in his life. She just has a Sims family that keeps getting murdered. Tracy assures her that she, too, will have a family one day because she's "an amazing, strong, intelligent woman like Hillary... from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." Lemon thanks him for the pep talk, only to have him try to foist a fish-lipped kiss on her. She flees.
Geiss's funeral. With organ accompaniment by Kenneth! Jack tells a story about how Geiss introduced him to a glamorous world of hookers, private planes, and untapped markets. It was Geiss himself who invented the night light when he realized lights could burn while people slept, then it was Geiss, too, who launched an aggressive marketing campaign warning children of the monsters under their beds. As the speech goes on, no one
takes the lessons of Geiss more to heart than Jack himself. He realizes he can get himself out of the conundrum he's currently in by finding new customers. He excuses himself and runs from the church to execute his amazing new business idea. The crowd claps, Kenneth starts up his organ music once more, and Kathy "What Can't That Girl Do?" Geiss launches into a trumpet rendition of "Ave Maria" as she stands in front of her father's cryogenic chamber. Did I mention it features a true-to-scale bust of Geiss that looks like they literally poured cement on his rigor mortise-d body?
30 Rock. Jack has called together the Kabletown executives to pitch his idea -- porn for women. The execs are dubious, so he explains that it's not so much bump-and-grind as gaze-and-nod, a whole channel of dreamboat men hanging on their every word. The execs get a little skittish when Jack suggests they produce this content themselves. He sees this new market as a call to action and goes into full politician-thumb mode as he riffs on America's modern consumerist mentality. Slow clap from all the old white guys.
Downstairs, Lemon and Wesley run into each other yet again. This time on purpose as Lemon knew Wesley would attend a "White Wines of Scotland" tasting. Wesley asks if she's on board for becoming Mrs. Snipes. Lemon takes off running into her speech about self-worth and such, then comes to a grinding halt when she realizes her Future Husband's name is Wesley Snipes. Apparently it's a sensitive subject for the pale Englishman who thinks he should have dibs on the name by virtue of being... well... a pale Englishman. He wraps up his rant by telling Lemon to go discuss the name with the black actor Wesley Snipes. She cuts off the conversation and starts walking away. He screams out to her that she's got two months to change her mind. So he'll see her in May for sweeps -- or "Spring cleaning" as we newfangled Americans call it.
Bonus: Lemon flips through the channels until she comes across the Beta version of porn for women. She sits transfixed, happily rendering the $24.95 for this handsome fellow's services. Bom-chicka-bow-JOKES...
No Brotherly Love for Beantown
Jack: This is an exciting time for NBC -- not Seinfeld, Friends, ER exciting, more like 3-D episodes of Merlin exciting, but I believe that this is a great opportunity for all of us because Kabletown is a great company. Even if it is from... Philadelphia.
Lemon [hurls snowball at Jack]: Go Eagles!
Jack: How did you even get a snowball?
Lemon: Philly rules! Cheese steaks! Bobby Clark! Will Smith! Your town sucks!
Jack: You do not want this argument, Lemon. Boston is the greatest city in the world. Boston Tea Party. Boston Cream Pie. Boston Rob Mariano. Birthplace of Benjamin Franklin.
Lemon: Yeah, then he looked around, realized it sucked, and moved to Philadelphia!
Jack throws something at Lemon.
Lemon: Ugh, did you just whip a battery at me?
L.A. Executive: Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry, can we get back to the meeting?
Jack: Of course. My apologies to our friends from the great city of... [chuckles] Los Angeles.
Everyone laughs at L.A.
L.A. Executive: Hey, stop laughing! L.A. rules. Michael Bay. Freeways. Legoland.
Jack clicks off TV.
Master of the Universe, Indeed
Jack: Before I take your questions, I'd like to say a few words about Don Geiss. The world has lost a giant. He built GE into the greatest company on Earth, and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe. For those of you wishing to pay your respects, there will be an Episcopal cryogenic freezing service open to all Six Sigma Black Belts and higher.
Tracy: That's the craziest thing I ever heard -- Episcopal!
Whoopsy Daisies!
Jenna: So how was your second date with Wesley?
Lemon: You know that scene in Notting Hill where they have the romantic date in the garden?
Jenna: Yeah.
Lemon: Well I would have rather watched that terrible movie five times than hung out with Wesley.
The Reverse Tiger
Jack: We have a Tracy problem.
Lemon: Okay. Escaped exotic animal, or did he swallow another firecracker?
Tracy: I wish! Our old nanny wrote a tell-all book about me.
Lemon: Oh no!
Tracy: It's bad. I just got the call from a friend at Little Brown.
Lemon: The publishing house?
Tracy: No, the premiere talent agency for black dwarves.
Jack: Tracy, we need to start doing damage control on this, what does she reveal in the book?
Tracy: Everything! My addiction to prescription glasses. My Attention Deficit Disor-- Jack, your shoes are shiny! And worst of all, she revealed the fact that I've never cheated on my wife!
Lemon: Okay, well that's not true.
Jack: Actually, it is true. Tracy shared that with me last year.
Lemon: What? What about the strip clubs and the disgusting stories? Your Ben & Jerry's flavor is called "Adulteraisin."
Not Out of the Woods Yet
Frank: Say it ain't so, Tra. What about the Seattle Seahawks cheerleader? That one kinda thick Rockette? That blind woman in the business class bathroom on the Acela? Were those all lies, too?
Tracy: But Frank, I still party. I'm still terrible at my job!
Frank: I looked up to you! Now I hate you.
Jenna: Tracy, I know what you're going through. I got a lot of flack after I ate the pig that played Babe. I learned you have to go on the offensive, start denying this stuff.
Tracy: I did, J-Mo. I held a press conference this morning. But it's like a black Barbie doll in Arizona -- nobody's buyin' it.
Dot Com: Well we just lost another one, Tra. I just got off the phone with the people from Horny Goat Weed. They're dropping you as their spokesman.
Tracy: But John Edwards and I were supposed to ride on that Cinco de Mayo float!
Dot Com: Yet another black superstar taken down by his personal life.
Jenna: Just like my favorite golfer -- O.J. Simpson.
SSM: Romance for the Defeatist Era
Lemon: Settling soul mates? That is grim. And I've played Monopoly alone.
Wesley: I know it's not ideal, but we both benefit. I could open jars and kill bugs for you. And you could make me look less gay at work functions.
Rife with Lem-anigans
Lemon: Okay, mentor time. I need a pep talk!
Jack: Lemon, I'm not in the mood to solve your lady problems or listen to a story about whatever escapee from the island of misfit toys you're currently dating.
Lemon: No, this is Liz relationship emergency. It's a Liz-aster!
Porn: Parody or Parity?
Dave Hess: Jack, women hate porn. Almost as much as men hate going to outlet malls.
Jack: Yes, women hate porn. Our porn. But women do have one insatiable need -- to jabber. And it doesn't matter if you have a headache, or you're not in the mood, or you're about to go to Don Geiss's funeral. They barge right into your office and start complaining about a boyfriend or a co-worker, and you're supposed to sit there and nod and tell them they're right. And the more you give it to them, the more they want it.
Dave Hess: I tell ya, sometime's my wife'll be blatherin' on about something, and I'll think, "I'm more than just a pair of ears, you know? I'm a person. Who thinks about sex every seven seconds!"
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