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Lemon encounters the man she believes to be her future husband (dreamy Michael Sheen) at the dentist's office. She lures him back from an afternoon rendezvous by sporting a Jamaican accent that goes rogue -- or perhaps I should say "brogue" since it's Irish. Despite best intentions, the subsequent coffee date is a disaster. Meanwhile, Kenneth loses his wallet and shoots to a fate which can only be described as inevitable -- he must spend the night at 30 Rock (keys were in his wallet). He also falls into donkey spells because he can't refill a prescription. In a serendipitous masterstroke, Lemon's future husband returns Kenneth's wallet, so they decide to give it another go.
Elsewhere, Tracy remembers Operation: EGOT and thus puts on a one-night-only Broadway event. He gets rave reviews, but Jenna informs him the show must run at least eight nights to be eligible for a Tony. Tracy is more of a spontaneous performer and fears he'll never be able to pull off the same show eight times in a row, so he enlists Jenna to school him in the rigors of theatrical life. It's a clash of the titanic egos that results in Tracy reading the phone book on stage -- to great acclaim, naturally.
And Jack gets a tip-off from his reporter lady friend Avery that Pennsylvania media company Kabletown is planning a corporate takeover of NBC. Jack's dreams of one day stepping into Don Geiss's formidable wingtips are dashed. Just as he starts bidding farewell to the company, Avery runs the story with a little personal bias, claiming her sources are saying he's the man to take over. The phone begins ringing, and Jackie is back in the game.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!UWS. Lemon, wearing the same pajamas she loaned to James Franco, sees a "DVD Error" message on her TV screen and pops open the tray to find a waffle in there. She calls Jack to see if he knows anything about it, since he watched over her post-oral surgery. Turns out Lemon was bombed on pains meds, and the waffle was just the tip of the iceberg (see below).
They hang up, and Avery comes into Jack's apartment from her morning jog. She mentions there's a rumor circulating that a company from Philadelphia is angling to buy out NBC, but Jack remains incredulous. Believe it, Jackie Boy. He assures Avery that he's spoken with Don Geiss, and the deal is dead. Avery says she doesn't think Geiss is exactly leading the charge toward the future, prompting Jack to reference his book Geiss Cubes -- so named because it's full of "cubes of knowledge" about the inferiority of women's brains and the superiority of the "negroid musculature." Yep, spearheaded the voyage to tomorrow did that Don Geiss.
30 Rock. Lemon asks where Frank is, because he needs to write some Olympics sketch about (insert purposefully obvious dubbed-after-filming sound over Lemon literally clapping her mouth open and shut) "Lindsey Vonn!" who won the "gold medal for skiing!" Kenneth says Frank overslept and told him to make up an excuse. This being Kenneth, the excuse is the plot of "Jack and the Beanstalk." Lemon cuts him off and begins to call Frank but is distracted when she sees a phone contact labeled "Future Husband." With the help of Jenna, who is used to getting drunk and blacking out, Lemon ascertains that she must have added it when she was doped up from the dentist. She explains to the gang that she did a bunch of stuff she can't remember after her surgery. Kenneth thinks it's super-romantic -- "just like that movie I only saw the first 10 minutes of... Fatal Attraction!" Jenna encourages Lemon to call the mystery man, but Lemon worries that he could be some sort of serial killer, or worse. He could wear a thumb ring! Kenneth tells her his motto: "Everything always works out for the best." To prove his point, he tosses his wallet out the window, knowing it will come back to him. Credits.
Studio. Tracy and Jenna are filming a promo for TGS, which he ruins by coughing through. He thinks they've got it, though, and refuses to do another take on the grounds that he is too big for that stuff now that he is a future Tony award winner. His confidence is at an all-time high because it's Tony eligibility season, and he's booked a venue to put on a one-man show that night. Lemon asks with a cringe if he's prepared anything, and he tells her he's not a nerd and is going to keep it loose.
Upstairs, Jack beckons Jonathan in a panic because his phone hasn't been ringing all day. Jonathan takes a flight of fantasy to suggest that maybe they're living I Am Legend. Guess who's Samantha in this scenario. Just guess. Finally, Jack's phone rings. He snatches it up, and it's only Avery. She snarks that he must really be in panic mode to answer his own phone on the first ring, then asks for a comment on the imminent NBC buyout. She tells him there's a secret board meeting this afternoon to push through the deal. Jack insists she's wrong, and she realizes that he's being kept out of the loop. He desperately claims he isn't and hangs up on her. He bids Jonathan to go into his "assistant underworld" and find out where all the board members are. He says it's a matter of life and death. Jonathan requests that he read Oh the Places You'll Go at his funeral. Jack refuses. And Jonathan's off!
Dentist's office. The doctor updates Lemon on her healing progress. After, she mentions meeting someone at his office but being too high to remember it. He does recall another patient in the recovery room and says he and Lemon had quite a laugh together. She asks what he looked like. The doctor gives her a detailed description of... his teeth. He does note that they're quite impressive for an Englishman. Then he refuses to give her any more information on the basis of doctor-patient confidentiality. She says, "Oh come on, you're not really a doctor." He retorts that she must really not be a patient and refuses to give her one of the toys he rewards good patients with. Sorry, Lemon -- no wind-up Batman bath toy for you!
The morning, Jenna stomps into the studio and slams her jacket down on Kenneth's desk. He rises from below it, explaining that he had to sleep at 30 Rock last night because his keys were in his wallet. "It wasn't too bad," he says. "Late at night, these two little twin girls told me they wanted to play with me forever." Of course, Jenna has not heard a word of this because she's been bending herself out of shape reading the rave review for Tracy's one-man show. It's titled "Tracy's Claps-Giving Yay Ha-Rade," which Kenneth in his "I just spent the night on the floor beneath my cubicle" insight recognizes as a fumbling Thanksgiving Day Parade pun -- in March. Ah ever-reaching tabloids! Tracy walks in, victorious from his five-hour performance, and asks Jenna if she'll accept the Tony on his behalf, because June is a busy month seeing as he's starting lifeguarding again. Oh dear, the thought of Tracy saving little swimmers' lives... it's a dreadful notion. At any rate, Jenna informs him that he won't be eligible (nor is she, for "living theatrically in normal life") because he has to perform the show at least eight times. As a spontaneous (read: inconsistent) performer, Tracy fears he won't be able to pull it off. Jenna tells him he better think of something else that starts with 'T' to fulfill his EGOT-ing dreams. Asks Tracy, "Do they give an award for tarantula misplacement?"
Somewhere in the assistant underground, Jonathan downloads Don Geiss's schedule while self-narrating to the tune of Mission: Impossible.
Over in the break room, Lemon enters as Kenneth posts a sign that reads, "Lost: One Wallet. Will Turn Up If It's Meant To Be." He tells her that he realized he had a prescription in his wallet that kept his "donkey spells" in check. Cue the braying. He pops back up, chipper as ever, and Lemon pretends that didn't just happen. She updates him on what she found out during her trip to the dentist. He is captivated by the idea of Lemon meeting up with her future husband, so he says they should resort to a little small-time trickery. Cut to: Lemon in her office, calling up FH (a.k.a. Wesley) as Kenneth watches and giddily claps his hands together. Lemon puts on her best Jamaican accent to pose as the dentist's receptionist. She tells him that he needs to return for some work, wrapping up quickly as her dialect devolves into Irish brogue. FH Wesley agrees to come in, and Lemon bids him adieu: "Cool Runnings, man! Bobsled!" Kenneth excitedly congratulates her, suddenly falling into a donkey spell that was no doubt triggered by the thrill of trickery.
CNBC. Jack pays a visit to Avery just as Brian Williams makes his daily hazing run. Jack tells Avery he saw Geiss's schedule, saying a meeting took place at former NBC CEO Jack Welch's Connecticut address. In exchange for this tidbit, he wants her to report that Geiss is fighting off the buyout. She says she can't stick her head in the sand just because Jack is and suggests he start distancing himself from Geiss. Jack adamantly refuses to bail on his mentor of 30 years, then makes the argument about their relationship, saying she uses people then throws them away. She insists that Geiss is a liability. He says she wouldn't understand and leaves for Connecticut. "I'm going to stand by my man," he says, "which is the song that I sang to Don at his promotion dinner."
30 Rock. Kenneth enters Jenna's dressing room to ask if she'll go support Tracy at this show that night. "I don't think so," says Jenna. "If I wanted to see a Black guy make a fool of himself, I'd have sex with K-Fed again." Something tells me Jenna may not have slept with the right K-Fed. Or it might have been another of those drunken evenings she told Lemon about earlier. Kenneth says he's worried about Tracy. And, without his wallet, he doesn't even have his lucky rabbit spine to make things right. Jenna says Tracy has no business being on stage because he's not a real actor. With five hours until curtain, she says it would take the greatest acting coach of all time to pull it off, then screams, "Fine, I'll do it!"
Dentist's office. Lemon arrives and scans the room for her FH as she fills out her entry forms. Not recognizing him immediately, she decides to call his phone to weed him out. The phone rings across the room, and it's dreamboat Prime Minister-reporter-vampire Michael Sheen. He picks up the phone, and Lemon fumbles to snap hers closed. Instead of shrugging off the silence on the other end, he calls her back. Her ring tone sounds like an unholy match between R&B sex music and industrial techno. He walks across the room and asks, "Can you tell me why you come up on my phone as 'Future Wife'?" She invites him to join her for a cup of coffee. Moments later in the coffee shop, they are having the most awkward conversation ever. She insults British teeth, he references bread back. All in all, it's a real two-way charm offensive -- emphasis on "offensive." She tells him she thinks they're getting off on the wrong foot, and they take a strained pause to recollect themselves. Except they both start talking at each other at the same time. More pausing. All FH Wesley can eke out is a mortified, "God!"
Connecticut. A pair of Jacks, Donaghy and Welch, meet up to discuss the buyout. Welch informs Donaghy that Geiss is actually dead, and that it's being kept under wraps until the deal goes through. Donaghy recalls the same tactic was used when Hiram Sheinhardt kicked out in the midst of the RCA deal. Welch offers to go out and get Donaghy some "weakness tissues" in case he needs "to pass some eye water" for his mentor. Donaghy vows to keep it together but insists that Geiss wanted the company intact. Furthermore, he says, "these people are from Philadelphia!" Welch slaps him in the face like Cher in Moonstruck: "Let it go, John! It's over."
30 Rock. Lemon returns from her disaster date to find Kenneth eagerly anticipating the Fatal Attraction-style fireworks. She tells him how awful the date was: "It was so awkward, the waitress gave us separate checks without even asking. And a priest asked us who we'd lost." Kenneth's faith wavers a bit as he tells her that everything has to work out. No, counters Lemon, "Sometimes everything is just the worst." She stamps into her office, where Jack is waiting. He tells her about the acquisition of NBC by Kabletown. Lemon gives a thinly veiled meta shout-out to Comcast, "a fine and generous company." Jack tells her that his childhood dream has died along with Don Geiss. Even as she consoles him for the loss, she wonders if she can still turn in old taxi receipts for reimbursement. She suggests he speak to Avery, but Jack says he thinks it's over between them. Jack self-narrates his tragic fall from power, taking a dramatic pause, which he claims is "the sound of me getting erased from contact lists all around the world." Lemon offers him a hug. He's so soul-crushed he actually takes it, his eyes glistening.
Meanwhile, Kenneth watches as Jenna teaches Tracy the fundamentals of acting over in the studio. He gets absolutely nothing of value from her Shakespearian-inflected seminar, unless you count "no farting" and a rousing round of the echo game. It seems Jenna was thinking Henry Higgins but got Pee-wee Herman instead. To her credit, it's Tracy who actually gives up first and says it's stupid. Jenna passionately defends the craft of acting. Tracy says they'll have to agree to disagree on their respective acting techniques. Whereas she actually has (or at least claims to have) some method, he just acts like himself. And why should he change? He's gotten a pretty good response so far. Jenna divas out and tells him to read the damn phone book for all she cares. After she clomps out, Kenneth asks Tracy, "Do you think you'll be able to repeat your performance?" Tracy responds sonorously, "Your performance!" Even Kenneth appears to fret that reading the phone book might present too much of a challenge.
Out in the corridor, Lemon runs into FH Wesley. Turns out he's the "wallet angel" who's come to deliver Kenneth from his donkey spells. The excitement of getting his wallet back and proving his theory that everything does work out gets Kenneth so worked up that he has one more donkey spell for the road. Lemon shouts over the braying that this may be a sign that she and FH Wesley should give it another shot. They settle on dinner that evening. "Perfect," says Wesley. "Do you like Tex-Mex?" Can you guess the one type of cuisine Lemon doesn't enjoy? She dejectedly tells him she'll see him at the restaurant.
Upstairs, Jack watches Avery's program. She announces the buyout has gone through, then tags on that she's learned of a likely frontrunner to steer the ship forward. She says her sources have all pointed to Jack for his "programming experience, business savvy, and piercing blue eyes of a Siberian husky." Jack's many phones begin to ring immediately. Avery wraps up her segment by quoting Jack's promise to celebrate by "buying [his] lady friend that necklace she pointed out and then cooking her a Western omelet." Jack adds that he's going to braid her hair. They smile deviously, as if looking at each other through the broadcast, then Jack takes a victorious swig of Scotch as he walks out of his office, Jonathan manning the phones behind him.
Bonus: Tracy reads the phone book on stage. Jenna beams proudly, and the audience cheers. Somewhere between Igor Klossett and Jessica Takahama, you'll find the jokes...
Shtickin' & Waffles
Lemon: When you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my DVD player?
Jack: You did. You watched it for an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, then you turned it off.
Lemon: Yikes. Thanks for babysitting me.
Jack: I did my best, but you were pretty far gone. You kept trying to order home massages off of Craigslist.
Lemon: Good thing you were here.
Gruff Voice Outside Lemon's Door: Somebody order a massage?
Lemon [Large Marge-esque voice]: You're too late! I already killed her!
Jack: Well-played, Lemon.
Modern Journalism
Jack: I'm sorry. You're calling me as a source? How are you going to explain your unnamed executive to your producer?
Avery: I'll tell him it's a guy I'm having sex with. It's a 24-hour news cycle around here, Jack. We really don't have time to do it right anymore.
Cheese Nipped in the Bud
Dentist: Well you're healing very nicely. You may continue to experience sensitivity for a few more days.
Lemon: When can I start eating hard cheeses again, doctor?
Dentist: I've had this pamphlet printed up. It was expensive, but I'm really tired of discussing this with you. [Hands her pamphlet entitled "Hard Cheeses and Your Root Canal, Liz"]
Tricks are for Kenneths
Lemon: I went to the dentist yesterday, and I actually found out about my mystery guy.
Kenneth: Annnnnnnd?
Lemon: And I now know that he is English and that he made me laugh.
Kenneth: That's wonderful. Even if he does come from a country that's nothing more than the dried husk America came out of. So are you going to call him?
Lemon: And say what? That "you're my future husband?" I'd like to at least to know what this guy looks like before I put myself out there.
Kenneth: Then we need to find a way for you to see him -- through trickery! We all know deceit is okay if it's done for love, like when Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest, or when Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him!
Friendly Fire
Brian Williams: Hey CNBC, Nightly News rules! [Throws a Nerf football down at Avery's feet like he made a touchdown.]
Avery: Go break a story, Williams!
Brian Williams: Nightly rules!
Jack Plait
Jack: Avery, I have some information for you, but in exchange I need you to do something for me.
Avery: Okay, I told you last night: No. Why would you even want to braid my hair?
Jack: Because it's romantic and I'm really good at it.
Stupid Is As Stupid Acts
Tracy: This is stupid.
Jenna: This is not stupid. These are the building blocks of the craft of acting, something I have dedicated my life to ever since my very first job as "Baby Stuck in Well" in a commercial for well guards -- "Well guards. Guard your well. Well."
Kenneth: I remember that commercial! You were a fat baby!
Watch this episode here, discuss it in our forums, then see who we think are the best and worst 30 Rock guest stars!