By Lady Lola
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.It's Valentine's Day at 30 Rock, and Lemon resolves to remove herself from the entire equation. She schedules oral surgery so that she won't have to take part in the contrived love fest. And, frankly, her plans don't seem entirely off-base when given the alternatives: Frank is trying to scam a wingman for his date with the rat-faced lady who cleans the urinals. Toofer might just throw himself on that grenade if it means missing a blind date with an "urban." Pete will do the usual -- get wasted in his garage while his wife and kids visit Niagara Falls. Tracy, his wife Angie, and a hot tub full of chili will somehow be entangled. And Jenna thinks she's got a standing date with her stalker (Horatio Sanz). That is, until she doesn't hear from him in advance of the big day. She tracks him down to the chicken shack where he works to find him a changed man, on his meds, no longer instructed by some greater force (his dog Brandon and the electricity shooting from Jenna's head) to watch Jenna sleep and replace the food in her refrigerator with baby doll heads. Jenna takes the rejection badly.
The only person who seems to have plans with possibility is Jack. Still wobbly from his roller coaster romance with Nancy, he's set up three loose (in more ways than one) dates for Valentine's night. Jonathan will call him at various points in the night with a fake appointment, and Jack will give the proverbial thumbs-up or –down on that moment's date. Except a kink arises when he appears on a CNBC show and strikes up a rapport with the anchor (Elizabeth Banks). Jonathan makes the yea-or-nay call while they grab a drink. Jack says "Yea," but the brassy blonde spots his strategy and leaves the date anyway. Not before sending a gift the day ensuring that the game is on. Jack impresses her with another ruse, and they have a one-night stand.
The morning, Blondie begins to blow him off for being a playboy with no hope of commitment. Then someone from Lemon's dentist's office calls. It seems LiLem (™ Tracy Morgan 2010), needed an escort home after her heavily anesthetized anti-Valentine's Day surgery. After she was rebuffed by literally every person at 30 Rock, she decided to go it alone, claiming her boyfriend Astronaut Mike Dexter would pick her up, then make a break for it when the opportunity arose. Just one problem: People on surgery-grade pain killers aren't that good at running away. They are, however, good at hallucinating that their ex-boyfriends have come to save them from a life of lonely trips to the dentist. And seeing Jon Bon Jovi in ficus plants. So good at these things, indeed, that they have to be bailed out by their playboy bosses and his high-powered news anchor date on her walk of shame. And that's pretty much Valentine's Day in a nutshell at 30 Rock. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
30 Rock. Lemon encounters Pete, whose daughter is selling Valentine's cookies. Lemon launches into a tirade about the commercialization of Valentine's Day, yadda yadda yadda, and ends with an entirely inappropriate-for-a-child recap of all her recent Valentine's Day misadventures. No matter, she buys the cookie anyway in honor of the birthday of Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette. Little Evelyn Hornberger is not impressed as Pete drags her away from the crazy lady he told her about. The very same crazy lady who is screaming to anyone who will listen (which would be pretty much nobody), "A happy Anna Howard Shaw Day to all!" Credits.
Upstairs, Lemon helps Jack pick a tie for a CNBC interview that night. She wonders why he's not spending his Valentine's Day with Nancy, but Jack says his romance with her has been too much of a roller coaster. Right now he just wants a fling. As such he has three dates set up around town. At an agreed-upon time, Jonathan will call to interrupt his date. If he's bored, he's got an out. If he's intrigued, he'll loudly announce that he's got important plans and can't be bothered, which will impress the woman enough for her to expose her front-clasp bra to him. At least that's the rough outline of his plan. He asks about Lemon's plans. She has scheduled a painful dental procedure, which will guarantee she'll be doped up enough to enjoy the latest Lifetime movie before passing out with drool dripping down her face. Jack snarks at her vigorous spinster-ness, but she unabashedly owns it.
Downstairs, Kenneth is clipping Tracy's nails when Jenna comes in to ask if she's received any packages. Apparently the holiday of love is a big time of year for her stalker. Except she hasn't received anything. Kenneth foolishly assumes that less stalking would be a good thing, but Jenna sets him straight. Without a loony on her tale, she's practically nothing. Then paranoia sets in as she wonders if her stalker might have moved on.
Writer's room. Lutz asks the others for sex tips in an effort to continue his annual farce that he has a girlfriend named Karen who's coming into town. She's real, he insists! As proof, he offers up her personal website address: www.jdlutz.com/karen/proof. Toofer, in turn, is kvetching with the "urban" (read: black) blind date his cousin's set him up with. Frank tells him to bail on the blind date and come on a double date with the "ugly" sister of his date -- "that load with the messed up teeth who cleans the urinals." Toofer briefly considers acting as the Pauly D of TGS right now, throwing himself on a grenade for his boy. Of course, that makes Frank The Situation. Hmmm... Lemon tells about her hot "oral" action. Before they can get too excited, she clarifies she's getting oral surgery and skipping the holiday on doctor's orders. Cerie interrupts to say the doctor called to ask who's taking her home. Pete tells her it's an insurance thing, which Frank backs up with his own horrifying drugged-out dental anecdote. Lemon asks Pete to pick her up, but he'll be otherwise engaged getting wasted in his garage while his wife takes the kids out of town.